


The Unbearable Weight of Leaves

by Andil



Series: Weight of Love [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Slow Romance, Transgender, gaanaru - Freeform, narugaa - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2018-11-19 06:13:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 49
Words: 269,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11307378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andil/pseuds/Andil
Summary: Naruto arrives in Suna, but he is hardly in the clear.  His heath slowly regains, but he is faced with the hard truth of his situation.  Gaara in turn must adjust to his new life, with the addition of Naruto and must deal with the possibility of a new family.The continuation of the slow romance of NarutoxGaara in The Unbearable Weight of Sand.Set after Boruto





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Took me a little longer than I intended to get this done, but here it is!  I haven't finished the cover yet, so might make a generic one while I work at my drawing.  (I haven't drawn people in years, turns out I'm a bit rusty, oops)  Wasn't completely sure where to pick it back up so just picked a random moment and went with it lol.  I know I need to work on my website, redisign it a bit to cover my new objectives for writing.  I will be posting my drawings, and tidbits of stuff there when it is ready, so keep an eye out for the 'link' when it is ready. :D
> 
> On a more serious note, I had some feedback which said the story had a some spots which dragged on, if you know any sections where this was prevalent, let me know.  Since I will be rewriting this eventually to bring it into Inak, I want to know what areas to focus on.  (I decided on the serial's title now too- Crystal Wish :D So, after the end of Inheritants, this will be what I will be working on.  Will likely do a prelude book just to cover the background differences- or have one as the first chapter in each serial.  Which do you guys think would be better?)
> 
> Anyway, thank you all again for reading, and as always reviews and comments serve to inspire.

 

** Naruto **

I found myself staring at the ceiling.  I was bored.  Seriously, super freaking bored.  Honestly, what did the idiot think I was going to do in here all by myself?  Read?  He knew better than that.  I groaned and half rolled out of the bed.  I probably should have brought Hinata with me.  Or at least Boruto, then I would have something to entertain myself with. 

Oh yeah, please Naruto, stay with me.  Don't waste your money on the hotel which has more entrainment than a half empty bookshelf and a marker.  A marker.  I wonder if he would notice if I drew in those precious damned books of his.  I picked it up off of the bedside stand and stalked the bookshelf.  Which book shall I deface?  I narrowed my eyes as I crouched in front of it, scanning the various titles.  I tapped the little thing against my knee.  Which one would piss him off more - Etiquette for social standards in Suna or ... I quirked my brow at the next title.  Well, a little odd for Gaara, so maybe somebody left it here?  That had to be what happened.

Marriage formalities and Circumstance.  Like Gaara was into that sort of thing.  He wouldn't be, he was too... _Gaara_.  I would have noticed if he had.  Unless he had it from when Temari married into Konoha by latching onto one of my best friends.  Another connection to Gaara.  I sighed.  Marriage formalities and Circumstance it was.  I picked the tiny book up and tossed it over to the bed with the marker.  All this thinking about Gaara made me dang hungry, and of course, Suna didn't freaking have ramen.  Weirdos. 

I worked my way down seventy five flights of stairs to reach the kitchen.  Why did this place have to have so many floors anyway?  This is why I got a place that was only two levels.  Easy.  One flight of stairs, and most everything in arms reach.  Convenient.  Unlike this hell hole Gaara lived in.  I hated this place.  But it was Gaara's.  And he half smiled at me when he told me to stay.  I couldn't say no to that.  Yet...

He fucking left me alone with his creepy ass brother.  Alone.  With the creeper and his annoying creepy puppets.  Gee, thanks no brows.  I tossed open his refrigerator and groaned at it.  Gizzards, tongue, heart, liver... Didn't the guy ever stock real food?  Couldn't he have taken a night off and actually talked to me or something?  He'd been acting pretty weird ever since I had him over to watch Boruto.  I mean, I did kind of get a little angry when I woke up to a house which no longer looked like I lived there, but dang.  He didn't have to avoid me for so long.  It had been two years already, he should get a freaking grip.

I turned to the cupboard.  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  I groaned.

"Problem with our pantry, idiot?"

I groaned at the voice and slowly shut the door.  "Nope.  Just going to go back upstairs and fucking starve."

"Wow, you are just as over dramatic as he is, what is it with you people?"

"How am I supposed to know?  I've barely laid eyes on the guy in the past couple of years, you tell me."

Kankuro put his hands up,fingers splayed to either side of his chest.  "Not my issue.  Backing away." Which he did, and disappeared down the stairs.  Jerk.

He could have at least stayed and talked to me.  I frowned at the thought.  I must really be bored if I wanted to talk to him.  Heck, before I married Hinata, he threatened death on me every time I seen him, now he was just... Weird.  Why did everyone I know end up a little weird?  It was me, probably.

Bored.  I sighed at the lack of edible food and headed back up to my room.  Bored, bored, bored.  Maybe I really would draw in that stupid book of Gaara's.  He probably wouldn't even notice.  I could draw something disgusting and horrifying.  Maybe it would get a rise out of the guy.  Or a frown.  Anything.  I was really getting sick of his stupid 'nothing phases me I'm made of porcelain and my expression never changes' face.  Bastard.  I opened the door and flopped down on the bed and opened the tiny little book.  Suna customs, blah blah blah, Necklace blah blah.  Wow, this thing was boring.  Knowing how boring Gaara was most of the time, he probably read it for leisure.  I didn't get him at times.  I drew a little frog on the top of a picture of a wedding cake.  I snickered at it.  A frog wedding cake topper.  I wonder if he would ever look at it, and follow through with someone.  He always took things far too seriously sometimes.  Most of the time.  All of the time.

I closed up the book and groaned.  Even doodling in one of Gaara's books wasn't helping.  Maybe I should sleep.  I looked down at the marker.  _Or_...  I smiled to myself.  I could do something else.  I gave a small laugh, stood and brought my hands to my chest.  Clones, the best distraction to eternal boredom.  I heard a few pop into existence and we all shared a knowing look.  Yes, this was totally going to happen.  The clone closest to my left I directed onto his hands and knees.  The one who stood next to him climbed onto his back, also in similar fashion.  The clone to the other side of me climbed him and held out his hands.  I grabbed hold of them and was hoisted up.  This place was far too tall for it's own good, the ceilings in every floor were vaulted, which made more stairs in the long run.  But, a four man tower made it so I could reach the ceiling with ease.  An unsteady ease which caused the three other mes to groan under the weight.  However, I was able to do my deed and popped open the marker.  I started the small swirl and was about to continue on to make the rest of the shape for the Konoha leaf.

"Might I ask what you are up to?"

The gravelly voice which sounded from below me startled my clones and with a quick panic I dispelled them.  I fell hard onto the floor and grabbed my head as the rush of memory flooded my senses for a moment.  I groaned and looked up at him.  Gaara stood over me, his arms crossed.  He wore only his black undergarments and a frown.  A frown.  A swallowed, suddenly nervous.  "Hey Gaara, what brings you here?" Wow, let's be obvious.

He stared at me, his frown deepened, causing my stomach to twist uncomfortably.  "I live here." Serious, confused.

I pocketed the marker in hopes he hadn't noticed in spite of me being blatant in my previous display.  I maneuvered so I was sitting cross legged on the floor.  "So... Want to talk, play a game, train a little, go do something?"  Seriously Gaara, I'm bored.

His arms unfolded as his eyes scanned the room and landed on the bed.  He walked past me and grabbed the little book I defaced.  I felt my heart speed up.  "Um, about that-"

"You enjoy reading about traditional Suna marriage practices?"  His eyes shifted back to me, his expression carefully left blank.  It came back.  That damned look, the one I barely was able to wipe off of his damned face since he rearranged my house.

I frowned at him.  "Maybe, what's it to ya?" My voice was a bit harsher than I intended it to be.  At least he was talking to me, I should be freaking grateful.

He pocketed the book and walked past me again, then stilled.  "Interested in marrying someone from Suna?  There would be no other reason to have an interest." He turned his head slightly, and his expression moved away from his porcelain blank.  Instead, there was a small glint to his eye, a slight twist to the corner of his mouth.

I stared, just a little too long at his mouth, and cleared my throat.  "No, why would... Why would I want to-" I couldn't finish the sentence.  I was married already, even he had to know it was an odd question.  Hinata was pregnant with our second child.  Why would I want to-  I felt my cheeks heat up.  Why was the question getting to me so damned much.

"I see." His lips finished their upwards twitch and landed into a full blown smile.  Well, as much as a smile as Gaara ever got without looking like he was about to kill something.  It felt as though my heart would stop, and my breath left in an instant.  My face felt even hotter.  He turned without another word and headed towards the door.

"I swear, it's nothing like that!" I yelled it at him as he continued to retreat from me.

He softly closed the door behind him.  _What the hell was that_?  I sighed, moved out my legs and fell back on the floor.  I stared at the small spiral on the ceiling.  If he had noticed, he hadn't said anything.

But honestly, what was with him?

Or better yet, me?

*                 *                 *

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

What the hell?  I opened my eyes and tried to gauge my surroundings.  The room was bare except for me and the random machines I seemed to be attached to.  I tried to move, but found I was fully bound.  My arms, my legs, my hands.  I couldn't move beyond my head.  I jerked at my restraints, but after only a couple tries I felt completely drained.  Drained, and aching, every move sent a quick wave of pain from whatever place I moved.  Weird.  What was wrong with me?  I never took long to recoup from anything, and I've been through hell.  And... I felt...

I felt weird.  Seriously, what the _hell_?  Where was I even at?  I scanned the room again and found myself staring at something odd on the ceiling.  A small, tiny spiral ending in a shaky line.  I knew the spiral well, I was the one to put it there.  Last night I think.  So... I was at Gaara's then?  But where was everything?  And why did I feel so dang sore?  I froze as an odd ticklish sensation passed through my abdomen, then it did it again.  "The hell?"  What was that?  I gasped as the movement in my abdomen became more prominent.  It felt as though something just rolled around inside of my body, and honestly, the feeling freaked me out a little.

Was this why I was tied up in a bed in Gaara's house?  I pulled at my restraints again, annoyed to the fact even my fingers were wrapped so I couldn't make a clone to better observe the situation.  I heard movement behind the door and I stilled and forced my eyes to close.  If they came in and thought I was awake, they wouldn't talk.  If they thought I was still unconscious however, maybe I could find out what was going on.  Sure enough, I heard the door squeak open.

"Only stay long enough for vitals and the bath.  He doesn't like anyone in here longer than necessary, you got it?" Kankuro?  I wanted to open my eyes to see if I was right, but I didn't want to blow my cover, not yet.

"Yes sir." A girl's voice, she sounded young.  Wait.  Did he say _bath_?  Why would they let some random _girl_ bathe me? 

What did Hinata have to say about this?  Did she know I was here?  Was she ok, Boruto?  The heart monitor sped up slightly and I breathed through my nose. _Calm down, Naruto, you idiot, you will blow your cover_.

"Did she wake up just now?" _She_?

Footsteps, a cold hand at my neck.  It took everything I had not to flinch at the intrusion to my skin.  "No.  I will check her vitals to make sure it was some sort of fluke.  Perhaps she had a nightmare?"

Kankuro, or at least I was still assuming it was Kankuro, scoffed.  "She has plenty to have nightmares about, I would believe it." There was a sigh.  "She wakes up though, let me know.  He likes to be here when she does."

"Yes sir." With the soft words the door clicked shut.

Great.  I was alone in a room with some young girl who not only seemed to think I was a damn girl, but who was going to bathe me.  Damn, she would freak when she noticed I wasn't some girl.  What sort of illusion did they cast in order for her to not even notice right away, it's not like I was some kind of feminine guy.  Like Gaara, now he I could see get passed off as a damned girl.  But me?  _Hardly_.  I heard the monitor speed up again as I pictured Gaara as a girl in my mind.  Well, that was brilliant.  Sure, just picture the guy as a pretty girl.  Married Naruto, you are freaking _married_.  Even if he were a girl, it wouldn't have changed anything, he was Gaara.  Gaara and love, love like _that_ , didn't belong in the same sentence.

"You are awake, aren't you?" The words were breathed in my ear, barely a whisper.

I opened my eyes and turned my head to look at her.   She seemed plain, light brown hair, brown eyes, a bit petite.  "You knew, didn't you?"

She smiled and nodded.  "I did."

"So why didn't you rat me out?"

I felt something lift off of my chest, my hips and legs, then finally my arms.  "I will let you sit up if you promise not to look at yourself or ask any questions."

I frowned at her.  "Why?"

"Not allowed to say, but I was hired as your long term nurse, and how am I supposed to serve you if I know absolutely nothing about you?  My employer says nothing beyond- 'Make sure Naruto is in good health'" She blanked out her face and held up a single finger as she spoke the last bit, trying to lower her voice to mimic Gaara.  Who else would have a deep voice and be so expressionless?

"Partners in crime then, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess so.  I will be fired, possibly maimed if he found out I was keeping this to myself."

I scoffed.  Yes, she was talking about Gaara.  So, he must be keeping me holed up in his house for safekeeping then.  Not that it would be weird, I would probably do the same to him if he got injured while near Konoha.  Though, it would be nice to have some idea of why I was holed up in his house and feeling as though I fell out of a ten story building.  Not to mention, an explanation of the constant rumbling in my abdomen.  It almost felt as though something was inside me, moving around.  My eyes widened, my concern over it growing.  Maybe it was why I was here after all.  "I think there is something living inside me."

Her eyes widened.  "I..." She laughed.  Not a simple, quiet laugh, but a whole hearted, deep guffaw. 

"What is so damned funny?  There is something wrong with me, and there is something moving around inside me!"

She stifled her laugh and pressed a hand to my mouth.  "Shh!" She took a deep breath, "We will get in trouble."

I glared at her and went to push her hand away from my mouth, but found I could barely move my arms, even without the restraints.  So I bit her.

"Ow!" She pulled her hand back and shook it.  "Hey."

"Your fault for covering my mouth." I snickered, then sighed.  "Something happened to me, I know you probably can't say what, but... Will I be alright?  Am I getting better, I don't remember anything past the time I put that on the ceiling.  I looked back up at it, knowing I didn't have enough energy to point.  In fact, it felt as though I were getting tired, really, really tired.

"The little spiral?"

I hummed, then yawned.  "Hey, you know, I don't think I need to sit up, alright?  I think... I think I'm just..." Tired.  The feeling was overwhelming, my body slowly began to feel numb.  "Going to go back to..." I didn't finish the sentence, allowing my eyes to drift shut, giving into the numb.

*                 *                 *

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

I woke to what sounded like a heart monitor.  Was I in some sort of hospital?  What happened to me?  The last thing I remembered... Was... What was the last thing I remembered anyway?  I concentrated on it, did everything I could to try and jog some sort of memory.  Hokage, I was Hokage, but... I... I groaned.  Why couldn't I remember?  I think I missed Himawari's birthday again.  How old was she now?  Ten?  No... That wasn't right.

I opened my eyes to the view of a ceiling.  Not the hospital's ceiling though, I was intimately familiar with it, and this was _not_ it.  I looked around and spied a tiny spiral on the ceiling, one which ended in a weird wiggly line.  I smiled at the memory.  I had done that, it was from the night Gaara first taken a liking to teasing me.  Some weird line about marriage.  The guy was seriously weird, but he wouldn't be Gaara if he wasn't.  So... I was in Gaara's house.  Why would I be here?  I moved my head to find a girl dipping some cloth into what looked like a bowl of water.  She seemed a bit plain.  Light brown hair, petite, and when she looked over with wide eyes, her eyes were also brown.  Who was she?  "Hey, do you know what's going on?"

"You're awake." She sounded surprised.

"Yeah, last I checked." Kinda obvious, if you asked me.

Her hand hit a button on the wall.  "I was caught last time, while I was redoing your constraints.  Sorry, no more partners in crime." She gave a small smile.

I frowned at her.  Partners in crime?  For what?  "How do you know me?"

Her smile faltered.  "Right, I keep forgetting, heh."

Wait, did she say constraints?  I went to move my arms and found they were tied down, a small wave of pain ebbed from where I tried to move.  "Hey, why am I tied down?"

She held up her hands, opened the door and backed out of the room.  "Not saying a word." The door clicked shut.

What the hell?  Didn't I at least deserve some kind of explanation?  I pulled at the constraints again.  Why was I tied down anyway?  More importantly, why did I ache so badly?  There was an odd fluttering in my stomach and I whimpered from the feeling.  It almost hurt, as though something was stretching around in me.  Another movement and it felt as though something poked my ribcage.  What the hell?  "Hey!" I yelled out.  I wanted someone to acknowledge me, tell me what was going on with me.  I tried moving my arms again.  They separated all of my fingers too.  No clones for a quick assessment on my predicament.  "Anyone there?"

"Keep your mouth shut." A familiar voice and I looked to see who it was.  Kankuro? He was standing at the door, his face was in a light grimace.

"Why should I?" I bit out the words.  Seriously, did they think I would just lay here without some sort of explanation of what was going on?

He groaned.  "Of course you have to wake up during a preparatory meeting Gaara can't get out of easily.  Sure Gaara, I'll go keep Naruto company while you figure out a way to excuse yourself.  Sure, it won't be a damn problem."

I stared at him.  "I think he's lost it."

"Big words coming from _you_." He emphasized the last word then finished coming into the room and shut the door behind him.  He walked up beside me and sighed.  "And you don't even know.  Not even allowed to tell you, so ask away, my lips are sealed."

"Why? Why can't you tell me what's wrong with me?  Why I'm here, why I'm tied down?  Can you at least tell me how Hinata and the kids are doing?"

His eyes widened.  "Kids?"  He leaned over the bed, one hand rested near my head.  "Tell me, how old are they?" His words were rushed, almost desperate sounding.

Well, that is a weird question and weirder reaction.  I frowned at him.  "Why are you being weird?  Don't you hate me or something?"

"Just answer the damn question fox boy." There was the puppet idiot I knew and loved.

How old were....  It was something I had been thinking about before I noticed the girl.  Their ages had slipped my mind, but...  I looked back over to the spiral on the ceiling.  Think.  I could remember.  _Right_!  How did I forget so easily?  "Twelve and fourteen, why are you _asking_ me anyway?"

"Twelve and... _Shit_.  Of all the damn days to get stuck in a meeting." He turned and started pressing the button on the wall the girl before him had done.  Except he kept pressing it, over and over again.  "Get your damned ass in here you moron." Push, push, push.

I watched him, completely confused, my brows furrowed and I tugged at my confines again.  "What is so important about my kids being twelve and fourteen?" I gasped as another weird movement happened in my stomach.  "And I think something is in me."

His finger stayed on the button this time and he slowly looked over my way.  "Huh?"

"Something moved, in my stomach, it keeps moving." Another move, another gasp.  "There!  It did it again."

He didn't even look shocked in the slightest, instead he kept his finger pressed firmly on the button while he stared at me.

It was what was wrong with me, wasn't it?  Something burrowed into my body and they were trying to figure out a way to get it out.  What a way to go.  A parasite.  I groaned.  "How did it happen anyway?"

His eyes widened and he looked away from me, and I swear I seen a slight redness to his cheeks.  "Don't get me wrong, man, but this something I would prefer not to think about, let alone answer." Push, push, push, push.  "Come on."

It must have been something horrible, if he didn't even want to think about it.  What had it been?  Some worm or leech type thing which- Nope, I wasn't even going to try thinking about it.  I shuddered involuntarily from the notion of something crawling into my body and nesting there.

The door slammed open and I looked over to the cause of it.  Gaara stood, his Kazekage robes on, his lips thin set into a firm frown.  "What is so important, _Kankuro_ , you interrupted my meeting with the Mizukage's advisor?  I cannot afford to look suspicious."

"Naruto's kids are twelve and fourteen, and there is something moving in him." Why were my kid's ages so damn important to them exactly?

"Twelve and..." His face softened and his cool gaze shifted towards me.  "Is this true, Naruto?"

I frowned at him.  "What is so damned special about their ages?  Will somebody just tell me what the hells going on already?"  I jerked at my constraints.

Gaara's face blanked and he turned to his brother.  "Tell the advisor the meeting has been moved until tomorrow.  Tell him my wi - my guest is in need of my presence.  Give him my regards and ask if there is anything I can do to make it up to him."

Kankuro nodded and left quickly.  Gaara took a deep breath once the door was closed and the room enveloped in silence.  His eyes never left me, his steady gaze forcing me to shift as much as I was able until I finally looked up to the ceiling.  "I drew on your ceiling, I'm sorry."

There was an odd sounding snort and I looked over to see a grimace on his face.  He covered it with his hand then walked over to where I was.  His hand left his mouth, his eyes drifted shut and a long breath left through his nose.  When he was done, his face resumed its usual blank.  "I know."

I frowned at him.  "Why did you leave it then?"

He averted his eyes.  "Because you drew on my ceiling." Though his face showed nothing, there was a weight in the statement which was not lost on me.

I swallowed, my throat feeling dry.  I pushed down the slight flutter my heart made and I decided not to respond.  This time, I averted my eyes.  I didn't want to go near the implications the statement made, no matter my personal issues with him.  _Issues_.  Issues which were entirely one sided and impossible.  I sighed.  I heard a soft hissing sound, then I felt pressure on my abdomen.  I gasped, a shock of relief spread out from the pressure, my hands twitched and I felt myself relax from it.  I turned my head to see Gaara half glaring at my stomach.  "What-"

"You feel movement?" He interrupted, his eyes unmoving from his target.

"Yeah, at least I think I did.  There some kind of parasite in there or something?"

He blinked and he looked up to me, eyes wide.  "Parasite?" He looked back to where he had been.  "Could be called that, yes.  It is not a bad one though, you shouldn't worry."

"How can I not worry about a _parasite_?"

He frowned.  "Parasite could be a bad word for it."

"You think?" Almost to make itself known, said parasite decided to move again.  I gasped.  "There, it did it again."

His hand pressed harder on me, another movement.  This time it was him who gasped.  "It moved.  I could feel it, Naruto, I could feel it." He gave a quick breathy sigh followed by a soft smile.  His eyes seemed to glow as he looked back at me.

I'm not sure why, but my eyes suddenly started to water with the look he gave me, as though there was some amazing secret I wasn't privy to.  I looked away from him, not knowing why I felt this way, why I wasn't allowed to know what was going on, or why Gaara seemed so damned happy about being able to feel some damned parasite living inside my body.

"I wish... I wish I could share this with you, but..." I shifted my eyes back to him, his smile fading as quickly as it came.  His eyes hooded and a shadow passed over his features.  Whatever had made him happy was gone.  The weight of his hand left my stomach.

My heart twisted.  Even if he seemed to enjoy my suffering, his touch, his smile, it was comforting.  I wanted it back.  I wanted...

I wanted...

"Will you lay here with me?  Just for a while." I bit at my bottom lip.  What was I asking?  _Why_ was I asking?  Had I not resolved to never allow myself such closeness with him, to ever let on to-

To what?  No.  It was better not to think of it.  He was one of my best friends, it was normal to want to have someone near when unwell.  He wouldn't look into it, he wouldn't question me.  My thoughts.  My-

"Alright."

Huh?  I couldn't bring myself to look at him, but felt my restraints being removed.  "Really?"

"If you would like me to, I acquiesce.  Just don't move."

My breath caught in my throat.  Gaara agreed, Gaara would be touching me.  Willingly touching me.  There must be something seriously wrong with me if he was willing to do such a thing.  I felt arms snake beneath my body and then I was shifted, feeling as though I was dead weight for him.  I wouldn't be able to move if I wanted to.  I did, but I also wanted to please him for some reason.  He picked me up with ease, my arms dragged on the bed as he moved me over, then gently was put back onto the bed.  I decided to watch him.  Watch as he removed his formal robes, his hat until the dark underclothes were revealed.  He stiffened a moment as he looked down to the bed.  "You... You are sure you would like me to lay by your side, Naruto?"

My eyes widened.  Was he having second thoughts?  I was pushing him, wasn't I?  "I..." I trailed off, not wanting to lie about wanting him near me.  "You don't have to, if you don't want." Better.  My eyes wandered back to the spiral on the ceiling.  Being moved, the way my heart wanted to twist inside my chest, it was all so tiring.  I wasn't sure I could really be great company anyway.  Maybe it would be better if he left.

I felt myself shift slightly as a weight fell the bed.  My breath hitched.  I couldn't look, though I knew what was happening.  Gaara.  _In_ _bed_.  With _me_.  Even if it was only because I was ill with some unknown disease or ailment, he was still here.  _With_ _me_.

 _a_ A deep heat erupted inside my hand, soft, extremely soft skin touched mine.  I looked then, my eyes meeting teal directly, inches from my own.  "You're holding my-"

"Rest, Naruto." His voice was deep, gravelly.  This close, so very close I could almost feel the vibration of it, the heat of his breath.

I turned back away from him, feeling my face heat up and hoping he hadn't noticed.  I wanted to feel him here, next to me.  I wanted to stay awake and try to talk to him, just relish the feel of his hand in mine.  I had felt his skin once, many years ago.  In a handshake.  A handshake which plagued my memory.  The heat of his hand, the softness of his skin, the slack, yet firm grip.  It had sent a shockwave up my arm, one which travelled through my arm, down my spine and settled firmly in my heart.  My hand twitched in his.  It was happening again.  The shockwave, the one which firmly placed his hand around my heart like a vice grip.

My eyes grew heavy and I sighed.  I would fall asleep soon.  I would lose his touch, his presence.  The vice which connected his hand to my heart would fade. Yet... This time, I wasn't so sure I wanted it to.

*                 *                 *

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

I woke to what sounded like a heart monitor.  Was I in some sort of hospital?  What happened to me?  The last thing I remembered... Was... What was the last thing I remembered anyway?  I concentrated on it, did everything I could to try and jog some sort of memory.  I felt a twitch in my hand and I became acutely aware the twitch was from fingers.  Heat.  Soft.  The heat travelled up my side, solid, breathing.  I turned my head and found myself staring into familiar, pupilless and beautiful teal eyes.  Gaara?  I wanted to ask him what he was doing, but my voice wouldn't cooperate.  He was laying next to me, he was touching me, he was holding me hand.

I felt a quick squeeze.  "Go back to sleep, everything is alright."

I was tired.  Gaara was here, holding my hand.  Laying next to me.  It confused me.  I wanted to ask why.  I wanted to know why I could hear a heart monitor.  I wanted to ask why I felt so heavy, as though I had been run over by something.  I wanted to ask-

"Shh, just relax.  Don't think."

Don't think? I inhaled quickly through my nose as I felt his thumb rub softly against the back of my hand, causing a small delightful shiver.  Alright, thinking was overrated anyway.  I wasn't about to question him.  All that matters is he was there, willingly, and holding me.  _Gaara_ was holding me.  What sort of strange heaven was this?  I closed my eyes and allowed the sensation to be everything.

Don't be a dream, please, _don't be a dream_.


	2. Ice Cream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to get this done.  I had a few days of 'blahhh' where I just stared at the screen and mustered out around 100 words.  Finally got through it and was able to write this today.  (yay, progress!)  Hopefully days like that won't happen too often.  Might be because the fourth of july was sort of my 'valentines day' substitute, then my birthday is coming just one week later and I was hoping to be fully published by then.  Oh well, I'm kinda close though.  I do plan on having the first one out by the end of the year, that counts, doesn't it?
> 
> Song of the day! James Blake - Retrograde  This has actually been on my play list a while, but I seen the lyrics for the first time today and realized not only did it have a cool sound for my work music, but actually fit into both of my stories lyric wise.  Who knew?
> 
> As always, reviews/comments serve to inspire :D

 

 

 

** Gaara **

"What I am asking for is to simply step up the patrols near Konoha's border.  I understand this is a most sensitive matter for you, but even you must acknowledge the rising dangers from this threat.  Until the reason behind the attack is found out, all nations should be in high alert."

I sighed.  I hadn't yet released the information about the attack on my wife and the missing prisoner.  It would have been in my debrief with his assistant yesterday but I had more... _Important_ things to do.  "It was by my order my best remain inside of Suna.  We have already been attacked.  We are currently searching for more background information on the man who they released out of my high security prison."

His eyes widened.  "Do you think these were the same people?"

"I will not rule out the possibility." The fact the target seemed to be my wife only made me more suspicious of this.  The pencil I was holding snapped in half.  I shifted my eyes to the destroyed wood and used my sand to resharpen the new end.  I looked up to see the odd look he gave me and decided to explain myself.  "I nearly lost something precious to me during the attack."  I found myself frowning at him.  There was something about his eyes, the angle of his glasses which always made it look as though he was a little bored to me.

Almost as though on cue, there were footsteps coming down from the stairs.  Why would Kankuro- I looked up and nearly had a heart attack.  _Shit_.  "Hey, Gaara, Chojuro?" A normal looking Naruto was standing in the doorway.  "I am not even going to ask why in the hell I'm in your house, but I am seriously hungry.  I don't know if you got anything like this in Suna, but do you have ice cream?" He scratched the back of his head.  "Or better yet, hot sauce pickle ice cream.  That would be _perfect_." He made a fist with one hand and hit the other.

I groaned as Chojuro stood abruptly, knocking his chair over.  "What is the meaning of this?"

I gathered my sand and shot it out, killing the clone swiftly.  I stood and headed to the doorway.  "Naruto keeps forgetting she is supposed to be dead."  I paused there and sighed.  I spared a glance behind me.  "I believe you will desire an explanation for this?"

"Yes." I heard him follow and I started up the stairs. 

I went up quietly, not trusting my voice as I climbed the many, many stairs of my house.  This place, it would be unsuitable to raising a baby.  I would have to remedy this once the time came.

"Why do you live in a tower, Gaara?  Part of your daily training regimen?" His voice was sour behind me. 

I groaned.  "I built it up to avoid the lower levels when I was fifteen, I was not thinking of the long term annoyance of it." I widened my eyes.  Why had I told him such a personal thing?  Was it because I needed to check on Naruto, and therefore would have to divulge my secret to another Kage lest I start a war over hiding the Hokage?

He chuckled.  "Had I known getting you to talk beyond politics only required you to climb stairs, I may have held our meetings at our temples."

I stopped on the stairs and shot the sharp toothed man a glare.  "I despise stairs, such a thing might start a war."  Joke.  Lighten the mood.  I hoped I pulled it off.  This produced a deeper chuckle and I decided it was in my best interest to ignore it and continue up to Naruto's floor.  I wasn't sure how to follow a joke, let alone one which produced the desired results.  Soon, I found myself in the hall which separated Shinki's and Naruto's rooms.  I took a deep breath.  My secret, my precious wife, my precious child, would become the knowledge of another.  But first...

I knocked.  Something crashed and I heard footsteps, then the door opened revealing a small, horrified looking girl.  "L-Lord Kazekage?"

I crossed my arms.  "What have you been doing precisely?  It is your job to watch her, yet a clone somehow slipped past and interrupted my meeting with the Mizukage.  Do you realize the severity of this?"  I kept my lips thin and my eyes narrowed. 

"Y-yes sir." Her eyes darted off to the side and seen Chojuro standing behind me, and her eyes widened.  She continued stammering and I scooted her out of the way with my sand.  The reason for my joke.  To make the man show his teeth, something intimidating for those who didn't know him. 

I moved inside the room and eyed my wife.  Still connected to the ivs and heart monitor.  What had she asked for?  Hot sauce and pickle ice cream?  It sounded horrendous, but I would have to see if I could figure out a way to have it made.

There was a soft gasp which sounded next to me.  "Is that?"

"Yes.  Chojuro, I would like you to meet my wife."

*                 *                 *

It had taken some time to fill him in on the basics.  Naruto was a woman, Naruto was my wife, Naruto was pregnant with my child, and no longer had access to her normal chakra network, therefore possibly removing her ability to be a Kage level ninja, let alone possibly removing any possibility to be a working ninja ever again.  He had hissed at the information.  Not being able to be a ninja was like taking away someones skin and the air they breathed.  I knew it would be hard for her, but it was a bridge I would deal with once reached.  I had more important things to worry about first.  Such as getting both her and our child past delivery.  If she couldn't fight, which I secretly hoped for in spite of the depression I knew would follow, I would help her find something to do.  I knew she wouldn't want to spend all of her time with the baby.

Or, maybe she would, become the lovely housewife of the Kazekage and I could come home to her smiling face and-

"Gaara."

I blinked.  "Yes?"

He stared at me, then sighed.  "You didn't catch a word I just said, did you?"

I kept my face as blank as possible and chose not to answer knowing my silence would answer just as effectively.  I turned my head towards the window, to the bright light and the blowing sand. 

"Do you know how it happened?  Why Naruto turned into a woman?"

I stayed silent.  I knew it had something to do with Hinata.  Though, the exact circumstance which caused the change, I was not sure.  I knew it was something I would have to ask once she was well enough to remember.  "Her memory is catching up.  I hope to ask her soon."

He hummed.  "I see.  The attack, you mentioned you believed it could be the same people.  Why?"

"The target was Naruto, and the release of the prisoner.  I do not know if they meant to specifically kill Naruto, or if they wanted to keep me busy enough to release the prisoner.  Either way, it seems suspicious.  The level of the ones sent were specifically chosen to be able to deal with my abilities, and it concerns me they were able to not only infiltrate Suna without notice, but also knew the exact location I was keeping my wife.  After the attack I brought her here, since a secret location did not serve it's purpose."

"You are concerned about Naruto making through the birth."

My eyes shifted back to him.  I had mentioned the possibility of losing her during the process, though it was not something I wanted to acknowledge.  I kept silent.  To speak of my worry would be admitting to weakness.  Weakness was not something to show to a rival Kage, no matter how good the terms of our relationship.

"I will send my best midwives, Gaara.  Now I know, I cannot sit idly by and allow for Naruto to die.  If it happens, and I knew all it could have taken was a few more hands in the delivery room, I could never forgive myself."

I stiffened, my eyes widened.  "You... You would do this?" My heart lept to my throat.  Kimiko was still recovering, and Sakura had already returned to Konoha to avoid suspicion.  It was hard enough to keep Temari without being questioned.  I had already missed Naruto's funeral, and this simple fact already garnered me much disdain.  I could hardly ask for them to send their medical ninja, not without revealing some of what had happened, and I was simply not ready to announce my marriage yet.  _Marriage_.  The word still felt foreign to me.

"We all owe Naruto a great deal, if this is what gives him peace, then I will back both of you."

My fingers twitched and I clenched my jaw.  "Thank you." They were the only fitting words I could think of.  I had the backing of the Mizukage.  Perhaps I would invite him to my marriage announcement when it came time for it.  I just needed to get them through this.  Just a couple more months and...  "Do you know anything about ice cream?"

His face fell, then he erupted into a hearty laugh.

I did not see what was so funny about my question.

*                 *                 *

"Temari, you need to go with me." I stood in front of her, my arms crossed, hoping the seriousness of the situation would sink in.

"You aren't going to go, I know you won't.  Why even try?"

I groaned.  "How else am I going to convince him to make it?"

She frowned at me.  "Convince who to make what?"

I unfolded my arms, went to my desk and picked up my gourd.  "Never mind, I don't need you at all."

"Come on." She half pleaded as she rushed over to me and grabbed my shoulder.

I shot her a glare and pushed her hand off of me.  "You honestly thought I would go into the underground market without good reason?  I cannot even bring myself to go into the regular market, let alone the massive one under my feet.  Unfortunately for me, the only ice-cream manufacturer in Suna is located there, and I haven't been convincing enough on the phone."

She snorted.  " _You_ called someone?"

"Naruto wanted ice-cream." Why was this such a big deal?

She laughed.  I still wasn't sure why everyone thought the situation was so funny.  Naruto wanted hot sauce pickle ice cream, and I was going to move the world in order to get it for her.

Simple.  Factual.  Not a damn joke.  "This is not funny, Temari, I need to get her the ice cream she wants.  It is the first thing she has asked for from me."

"Does she even know she asked for it?" One side of her lips twitched upwards and she folded her arms together.

My face blanked.  What if I had it made for her, and she no longer thought it sounded good?  I sighed and put my gourd back down.  "No."

She sighed.  "What kind of ice cream did you ask for anyway?"

I sunk into the couch in the center of the living room.  I hated this room, yet I found myself in this room more than ever since I put Naruto in my guest room.  "Pickle and hot sauce."

She fell onto the couch next to me, her body ghosting next to mine in an almost touch.  I shot her a sideways glance warning her away from any disturbance to my person.  She tilted her head in acknowledgement and she scooted away slightly.  I allowed myself to relax once I felt safe she wouldn't attempt some frivolous attempt at comfort.  "To be fair, you are a terrible person to talk to on the phone.  Between your lack of phone skills and the flavor request, I highly doubt he thought you to actually be the Kazekage.  Not to mention, you have never, as in _never_ , attempted to do any business with anyone located in the underground market."

I sighed.  She had a point.  I did sort of just breathe in the device for a minute before the man on the other end demanded to know what I had wanted.  "If Naruto asks for ice cream again, you will go with me."

She watched me silently for a few minutes before leaning back into the couch, looking up to the ceiling.  "You're serious, aren't you?"

"You expected me to be joking, Temari?"

"You?  Not really, you aren't very good at it."  She took a deep breath.  "If you feel it's important, Gaara, I will go with you.  I wouldn't leave your first shopping experience to be a bad one anyway, which if you went alone, it would be." She snickered.

"You have no confidence in me."

"It isn't about confidence, I just know how you are."

I frowned at her and forced myself back on the couch.  I wasn't good at 'relaxing' as she called it.  Just leaning back into something soft and let my muscles ease to the point of rest.  I disliked doing it without being in my rest state, my sand swirling safely around me as my own personal alarm system.  I looked over to her to find her eyes fixed on me, her brow furrowed.

"You make sitting back and relaxing look like torture." She shifted, her leg brought up under her so she could face me.  "Why are you so tense?  Naruto is safe, she is getting better and before you know it, you can start building a life with her.  You have my word on it." She smiled at me.

I looked away from her.  "I have no reason to relax, Temari.  I am trying not to think of anything, but I..." I trailed off.  I hadn't told anyone what happened with Kimiko.  I hadn't told anyone I watched Naruto die, I hadn't told anyone I had tried to save our baby to no avail, I hadn't told anyone I killed everyone in my grief.  "The attack-"

"Gaara, you don't have to tell me."

I shook my head.  "No, I do.  I need to say it, I need you to understand."  I sat back up, my back aching from the way I had been leaned back onto the couch already.  I took a deep breath.  "I seen Kimiko's face.  I met her once, when I was young."

I heard her shift next to me.  "Back when?" She didn't finish the question, but I knew what she meant.  Back when I was insane.  A monster and embracing it.

I nodded.  "I killed two people in front of her.  I was going to kill her too, but... I couldn't"  I shifted my eyes to her.  "They called her a monster, I didn't understand.  She promised me something odd I didn't understand either.  She touched me.  All of it was confusing to me.  I looked for her afterwards.  She promised I could kill her after she did something for me.  I didn't know what, I didn't understand beyond her promise to return."  I folded my arms and focused my eyes in front of me.  I didn't want to see her reaction to what I would say next.  To get the burden from my chest.  Something I needed to confide, something I could never tell to most.  I had attained a carefully constructed trust, and if they knew what I was still capable of, I would lose it.

"If you don't want to continue, it's-"

I rose my hand and the sand in the room rushed towards me and I used it to encircle us.  What I was about to say was not something for prying ears.  This was something between me and Kimiko, something nobody else needed to know, especially Shinki, Kankuro or Naruto.  Kankuro because he had a bad tendency to randomly spill my secrets.  The thought reminded me I needed to destroy my old house before he told anyone of the horror inside it, not that he would do it intentionally, but, he was Kankuro.

"Gaara?" Her voice hitched with what I took as something between fear and concern.

Fear.  Even _they_ would show it on occasion.  I was alright with this, no matter how much I disliked it.  I didn't blame her, not really.  I did, after all, kill a friend of hers once in front of her, as well as one of her instructors, so the fear wasn't unwarranted.  She was acutely aware of what I was capable of, and she still gave me a chance, in spite of her fear of me.  It diminished over the years, but especially after I nearly killed Kankuro a few weeks ago, she also knew I wasn't always the most stable of people.  I sighed.  "I do not have the desire for others to listen in on what I'm about to say." I waited a moment, ready for questions, for her to tell me I didn't need to go on, but was greeted only with the sound of her breathing.  I took a deep breath.  "Very well." I wondered if I had hoped she would stop me, keep me from letting go of the secret I held. 

"I didn't understand why they would call her a monster until the attack.  I hadn't realized it was her, she had stayed hidden all those years beneath the clothes and visors.  That day, Kankuro came to convince me to go to the meeting, promised me it would be short."

"You threw him out of the room, he complained about it for hours."

"I took his advise.  The first time, I went to the meeting.  It lasted hours past his promise."

"You're not making any sense.  What do you mean the first time?"

I stayed silent.  I tensed, my throat felt as though it would close in on itself.  I didn't want to remember it, but it was there, plaguing my thoughts and memories.  It still felt fresh, _real_.  Every time I closed my eyes I was afraid this was all some hopeful dream and I would wake back up in the desert, alone and stained in blood.  I gasped for air, the memory flooding my mind and I worked to push it down.  Not yet.  I hadn't confessed yet.  The loss, the madness.  The blood.  So much blood.  I trembled, and I wished it was just from the horror of it.  "There was an explosion, it shook the entire tower.  Temari, I looked out the window and seen the hospital up in smoke.  I crushed the window and jumped out of it.  I rushed there and I was too late.  You, Sakura, Kankuro... You all were dead.  I rushed in to Naruto, only to be seconds late.  I watched... He had a sword Temari."  My voice squeaked, the memory of him standing over her, the way she convulsed beneath the blade still fresh in my mind.  It had been two months.  A mere two months since the attack.

"I don't-"

"I tried to save the baby, I tried but-"

"Gaara, you aren't making sense." Her voice rose, there was a sharpness to the tone.

"It didn't matter, I lost everything, I was alone, Temari.  Everything, in the blink of an eye was gone.  I could feel it.  It was so prominent then, life.  Hearts beating, breathing.  I couldn't take it.  Not when Naruto, my child, my siblings were gone.  How dare they mock me, how-"

"None of this happened, I'm here, So is Kankuro.  Naruto is fine, recovering-"

"No, I'm not done.  Let me..."  I felt a hand on my leg and I shoved it off of me.  "No, I need to say it.  Don't try to comfort me, it doesn't matter."

"You don't-"

"I do." I spit out the words.  I had to say it.  I had to cleanse my mind, had to release the knowledge of what I was capable of.  "I ended it, the heartbeats.  The breathing.  All at once, I ended it.  Shinki tried to stop me, but I reacted before thinking.  I destroyed everything, I left, I meant to continue it.  I wanted to end it all.  Just kill until something ended me.  Temari, I am capable of-"

"Who would have blamed you?  If someone truly removed the only things keeping you from going bat shit crazy, what would they expect.  All of us know.  We knew who you were.  We knew what you were capable of as a child and your power has only grown since then.  It was the decision of the council to encourage your shift in perspective.  They know the threat you still pose, it was why they wanted you to have a family so badly.  To give you reasons to live beyond Naruto.  It wasn't exactly in their game plan you make said family _with_ Naruto."

I clenched my hands into tight fists.  "I can still feel it.  Holding her as she died, of slicing her open to save the baby, of the baby losing it's life within my hands.  But, everything reset.  Then again.  And again.  Until I was able to stop them.  So many times, I watched her die, so many times they ended me while I tried to save her.  Turns out what makes Kimiko a monster, is showing people their future."  I took a thin, shaky breath.  "She didn't show me the last one, she saved me.  She must have seen it, it must have been why she tried to get to me, but every time I let her come my way she only got in the way and we all died, so I had to tie her down with my sand, it was better this way."

Silence.  Then, "It is how you knew where they all were.  Everyone assumed it was because you laced the hospital with sand."

"Only just before the attack.  Then, measured strikes when I already knew the outcome of every one of them.  They were trained to kill me.  They knew my weaknesses.  They knew where she would be.  They were after Naruto, they were prepared to kill me to get to her if need be, and I don't know why.  Why?  When we don't even know she will make it through her pregnancy, why would they-" I was pulled in by arms and I found myself pressed firmly against Temari's chest.  I struggled a moment, still not wanting to have contact, but decided to let it be and allowed it of her. 

"We will figure it out.  We will.  Trust in us, let us protect you for once, let us-" Her voice broke and I felt her shoulders shudder.  Her hands tightened on me, but I didn't feel the need to return her hug. 

I simply resisted the urge to push her off of me.  For now, it would be enough.  I didn't want to remember.  It made me ache, in ways I couldn't describe, my chest, my stomach, it made me want to scream.  But it was like a hyper realistic dream.  Unfathomable, yet there, playing at the edges of my conscious mind.  I knew what it felt like to lose Naruto, and it was something I never wanted to experience again.  "What sort of ice cream flavors did you pursue when you were pregnant?" It was better to think about ice cream.

*                 *                 *

I found myself staring at Naruto again.  The Mizukage had left, Temari had barely spoke to me after our conversation and Kankuro was off keeping Shinki busy.  I should be trying to connect with him, trying to make sure he still knew no matter the situation with Naruto, with the new baby, he would always be my son.

Yet.  I couldn't say anything to him.  I didn't know where to begin.  Didn't know how to explain.  Didn't know how to be what he needed.  It frightened me, more than I would admit.  Father.  I brought him in initially to get the council off my back, but the child fascinated me.  I tried to shape him into the person I could never be.  Passionate, caring, calculating.  Mostly caring.  I tried to care, care more than I did, but most everything I did was based in my own selfish desires.  Be the person Naruto would be proud of, be like Naruto, do what Naruto would do, Please Naruto.  Protect Naruto.  It was only my own good fortune the war had been a threat to multiple nations and Naruto's well being centered on the power being in our favor.

If it had not been for this, I would never have been able to convince the other nations to go to war simply to protect Naruto from the people who had in turn killed me before.  With the looming threat, it had been relatively easy to get them to agree under the ruse of protecting the world.  While it was a benefit, yes, I hardly cared.  I never corrected the other Kage about the fight no longer being about saving Naruto.  For me, it was all which existed.  I would die easily if I knew she would live.

My Naruto.  My sweet, bright Naruto.  Could I really be a decent husband and father?  I still had trouble with Shinki, was afraid I would undo the good I had done before she came here.  My stomach twisted at the thought.  I had no idea how to do either thing, let alone do it well.  I still looked at myself as a failure where Shinki was concerned.  He wouldn't be where he was if it weren't for Kankuro.  I still couldn't look at him without seeing the scared child who couldn't control his sand.

I sighed and moved closer to her.  My hand ghosted over her cheek, hovering dangerously close without actually touching it.  The marks there.  From here it was obvious they were indented into her cheeks.  This child, I might have to make some odd claims concerning it.  Naruto's other children carried a variation of the mark.  This child would likely carry one as well.  How would I explain it without revealing the identity of it's mother?  It.  As though the child were a thing, not a living being.  It.  What was it anyway?  A boy?  I at least had some experience with boys.  Girls on the other hand...

I knew nothing about them.  Strange, unpredictable and annoying creatures by trade.  The only ones I kept close company with were Temari, Matsuri and Kimiko.  All of which confused and annoyed me.  I sighed and removed the sand from my fingers.  Just... Just a small touch.  She wouldn't remember anyway.  I too a breath and brought my fingers down to remove the distance between us.  With a quick intake of air through my nose my fingers touched her heated cheek, a pulse of sensation rushed up through my fingers, through my arm, down my shoulder and settled firmly inside my chest.  I swallowed.  Touch.  It was such a strange feeling.  The heat, the softness of her skin.  I wanted to feel.  I wanted to.... I moved my fingers.  It felt as though I was violating her somehow, touching those odd marks on her cheeks.  I focused on them, the feel of them as my fingers crept to the edge of the first mark.

The feeling was unremarkable.  Barely noticeable on my fingertips as they brushed over them, the indents in the skin felt similar to the way her fingers felt from the top, enough to know there was a change, but smooth and soft.  My finger didn't catch on them, there was no roughness to them.  It wasn't as noticeable as my own mark, the one carved into my forehead.  There, the skin was raised, always red, aggravated.  A scar.  This...

This was simply Naruto.  I wasn't sure what I had expected from it.  I felt an odd tickle on the bottom of my hand and I snatched it away from her face.  Her eyes were open, fixed on me.  Her lashes, this is what had tickled the bottom of my hand.  I held my hand to me, my hand clasped around where the lashes touched me.  I...  I didn't dislike the feeling.  Our eyes locked and we stared in silence at each other for a while.  Eventually, her eyes moved up to the ceiling and I assumed she had once again noticed the spiral there.  The stupid spiral.  When I first noticed it, I had been annoyed.  I had been working, but had insisted Naruto stay with me.  Before he was Hokage.  After he had been married.  After I realized what Hinata had to do with him in order to make Boruto, and the one she had been carrying.  Twice.  They had to have done _that_ at least twice.  It made it hard to look at him back then.  I had been... angry?

I still wasn't sure why.  The thought of the act itself made me feel sick to my stomach, so why it angered me at the time was something I tried not to deal with, and eventually decided to take it out on him once I realized insinuating such a distasteful relationship between us made him falter.  It was a sick pleasure of mine to make the man squirm.

I never realized it was because Naruto wanted-

"I feel weird, Gaara."

I blinked at her.  Her.  My wife.  I still wasn't sure how I was going to pull this off.  _If_ I could.  Would I be able to do... _That_ , with her?  I sighed.  "In what way?" Pretend to be clueless.  Of course she would feel different, she was pregnant, and a woman.  I imagine such a change would feel weird to anyone experiencing it.

Her face scrunched up.  "I don't know.  Just, weird, ya know?" She was sounding better, her voice came stronger every time she woke lately.

"I don't know.  Where do you feel this weirdness at?" My mouth went dry.  What was I asking?

Her eyes widened and she looked at me.  "I'd rather not say." There was a slight shift.

I felt the heat rise in my abdomen and I looked away.  Honestly, what _was_ I asking?  "You should go back to sleep."  Such things shouldn't be thought of.  Not when she was in this predicament.  I looked up to the spiral.  Proof.  I left it there as proof Naruto lived, and existed, and was in my house.  Here.  Now here she was again.

Here she would always be.  I frowned.  No.  Not here, this place, I needed to be elsewhere.  For her.  For the baby.  The stairs would be too much for either of them.

"No." The word sounded choked and when I looked back down from the spiral I noticed something odd.  She was crying.  _Crying_?

Without thinking I wiped away the tears which started to roll down her cheeks.  Wet.  Her cheeks shouldn't be wet.  "What is it?  Why are you crying?"

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Gaara.  I didn't mean for it to happen, I didn't mean-" More tears as she choked on the last word. 

"For what to happen?" My stomach twisted.  Was she referring to-

"You never promised me, promise me.  You have to promise me you won't do it again, I can't... I can't lose you again, I can't-" Another soft sob left her.

Do what again?  My eyes widened.  The cave.  Did she remember what happened then?  I had repeated my promise to her when she woke back up, after she started to heal.  Before... Before she 'fixed' what had happened.  I darted out my tongue to wet the edge of my lips.  "I already promised."

She let out a shaky breath.  "How did I get inside your house?  What happened after... Is this why I feel different?"

Well... "Yes, partly." Entirely.  I swallowed.  I wanted to ask.  I wanted to know what she did.  Exactly.  From her.  Not Hinata, or Sakura or anyone else.  Even if she didn't remember ever telling me, I needed to know.  I didn't want to know.  I shouldn't ask.  "How did it happen.  I know it was because of you."

She stiffened, her heart rate sped up.  Her fingers twitched.  "I... I made a wish."

She remembered.  I decided to sit down, not sure I was ready for what she had truly wished for.  "A wish?" _Stop_ _asking_.  Why couldn't I just leave it for now?

"For you.  I wished... I wished..." She closed her eyes tight to the point small creases emerged at the edges.  "I wanted it to happen.  I'm an idiot.  Wasn't thinking about the sand, wasn't thinking it would happen, but it did.  I'm sorry.  I'm really sorry..." As she spoke her voice became breathy, and as she reached the last 'sorry' she let out a long sigh and I realized she fell asleep again.

*                 *                 *

I didn't know what to think.  I didn't know what to feel.  She had nearly committed suicide by wishing for the impossible.  I wasn't sure if I should be angry or grateful for it.  If she hadn't made the wish, she wouldn't be in the predicament she was in.  She would be a man and still be Hokage.  Yet she was here, a woman, my wife and carrying _my_ child.  She wasn't out of the woods yet, but I would do everything in my power to make sure she would survive.  Make sure our child would survive.

She wished for me?  Specifically for me to do _that_ to her?  How detailed was this wish of hers?  I wondered if my body would ever have reacted to her if it weren't for the wish.

Maybe.  _Probably_.  I did have a strange lifelong obsession with her.  Now she was mine.  I should be grateful.  But I was angry.  I groaned.  Why had I asked?  What made me think I needed to know?  What made me think I could _handle_ it?

My thoughts were interrupted by a gasp and Naruto jerked against her confines.  She gasped for breath then her eyes locked onto me.  "Gaara, I... I'm so sorry, please, I..."  Tears started to form in her eyes.

I would be happy once she was past this part of her memory.  She shouldn't have to relive it again.  Ever.  There was too much pain.  Too much...  I grabbed hold of her hand, not wanting to deal with the surge of emotion as I thought of everything.  The wish, what happened after, her transformation, the time before she came here, losing her, worrying if I could ever be able to be good enough for her and- "I know, be still.  You are safe, don't worry.  I know."

"You... You know?" Her eyes widened.

"Yes.  It is alright, I am fine.  I won't leave you.  I will never leave you, relax, it is fine."

"It's... But, I need to tell you-"

"Just relax.  I have a question for you though." I squeezed her hand.  Change the subject.  Don't think.  Don't feel.  I wasn't ready for it.  I wasn't ready for any of it.

"You do?" It was hard to think of Naruto beyond what she was now.  Woman, beautiful, _mine_.  Her voice changed some.  Feminine, light.

I didn't want to think about it.  "What are your thoughts on ice cream?"

Her face blanked, then a small smile formed.  "I love ice cream."  A pause, "I could really go for some right about now.  Do they make sauerkraut ice cream?  Some of that if they do with some cranberry sauce sounds _amazing_."

I smiled at her.

It was better to think about ice cream.


	3. Memory Returns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't have another day off until Wednesday, but I am still hoping to have another chapter out by then.  *fingers crossed*  I'm not sure why, but this chapter felt a little clunky to me, but I can't pinpoint why.  Maybe I'm in my head about it too much? I won't annoy you all with a long note this time hehe. Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and as always, reviews/comments serve to inspire.

 

 

** Naruto **

I stared at the spiral, unable to move.  How I ended up in Gaara's guest room tied to a bed hooked up to an IV and a heart rate monitor, I had no idea, but the thought made my stomach twist.  Because I knew one thing for sure.  I was in Suna.  Not only was I in Suna, but I was in Gaara's house.  Which probably meant Gaara seen me.  Gaara _seen_ me.  There weren't any disguises or clones or baggy clothes to hide my condition anymore.  I couldn't just blame this on being sick.  How long had I been here?  The last thing I remembered was explosions, being carried and... Pain.  Like something had been ripped out of me, then this.  This tiny spiral I drew on Gaara's ceiling out of boredom a ton of years ago.  I sighed.  So much for me telling him in my own way.  No more, _Hey Gaara, I'm pregnant! It's yours!_ Which to this point was the only thing I could think of on how to break the news to him.  I wanted to move.  I wanted to make sure she was alright.  She felt heavier to me. 

How long had it been?  I struggled against my confines.  They used to do this kind of shit to me when I was a kid, what reason could they possibly have to tie me up now?  I didn't exactly have the energy I used to.  I froze.  The pain.  I felt sore, but it was mostly gone, just a slight soreness remained.  _Gaara_.  Gaara must have been around.  It was the only possible explanation.  How much did he know?  _How much_?  Why did they do this?  I was supposed to find a way to get here myself, I was supposed to be the one to tell him.  Everything.  About the wish.  About me.  About how I felt about him.  About my divorce.  About becoming a woman.  About my pregnancy.  About our daughter.  I wanted to know she was ok, I wanted to know Gaara was ok, I wanted to know if Konoha made it through the attack, I wanted to know if Hinata and the kids made it. 

Did they know I was here?  Did Konoha?  Who attacked anyway?  I struggled against the confines and looked around the room.  Why was it so damned bare in here?  There used to at least be something to look at.  A few pictures, a dresser, a nightstand, a bookshelf.  But no.  Nothing.  I was in a room with a simple spiral on the ceiling and me and all this damned medical equipment.  Was it all really necessary?  Talk about an overkill. 

I felt fine.

I felt ok. 

I sighed.  More that I felt like death warmed over, but I wasn't in much pain anymore.  It was _something_.  More than I could hope for.  Hope.  The theory had been right then.  Gaara could help.  With Gaara, I might actually live through this.  I might be able to see her grow up.  Watch her first steps.  Hear her first words.  See her smile.

 _See_ her.

I heard the door open, but I didn't look to see who it was.  The only person I cared about seeing was Gaara, and I wasn't sure I could actually deal with him yet.  I wasn't ready.  Not yet.  Maybe never.  But I needed him, needed him like the air I breathed.  I stared at the spiral.  The one thing in the room which let me know exactly where I was.

"You're awake."

"Kankuro." I kept my eyes on the ceiling.  "Coming to spy on me?"

"Only because your nurse thinks she needs sleep and Gaara had to do a damned meeting."

I snorted.  "Yeah.  Always like him to be holed up in that tower of his.  Not like I have room to talk though, I was worse than he was while I was Hokage."

"He's downstairs."

I turned my head to look at him then.  "Downstairs?"

He sighed.  "He is taking all of his meetings here until...  Well, just until."

I frowned at him.  He was taking meetings here?  Downstairs?  The only place suitable for that would be...  "Why would he do that to himself?" For me?  I wasn't worth it, not for _that_.  Of all the stupid things...

He came up and leaned on the bed.  "Stop asking questions when I am not supposed to answer anything."  His face paint was in thick lines, outlining his features, but he wore the traditional black undergarments instead of his full uniform.

"Why?" I studied his face as his eyes narrowed into a slight glare.  I could see thier father in him more than the others.  His face was more chiseled and masculine.  Unlike Gaara, very unlike Gaara.  "Gaara looks nothing like you."

His eyes widened and he moved away from my bed.  "We look enough alike, even if _you_ don't see it.  I wear the paint to define my face, otherwise it would be more noticeable."

"Tsch, I wasn't trying to upset you, dang Kankuro, stop being such a damn girl."

He growled at me.  "You're one to talk, blondie." He gasped as soon as the words left his mouth and his hand went to cover it.  "Shit."

I stared at him.  What?  Was my issue some kind of taboo subject or something?  Then, the irony of my own statement hit me.  Here I was telling him to stop being a girl, and I willingly let myself turn into one.  One miss Naruto Uzumaki, at your service.  I snickered at the thought.  Then, I outright laughed.  "Man, you should see your face."

"Why in the hell are you laughing?" He was back at my bed, a crease between his brows and lips thin.

"Because you're right.  I really can't be one to talk, can I?"

His face went blank.  Not exactly a reaction I expected from him.  "Explain yourself, you idiot.  What do you mean?"

I stared at him.  Was he being serious.  I would pass a hand over me if I could only fucking move.  Kinda obvious.  I mean, I was already showing when the attack happened, so I could only imagine my predicament was only more obvious now.  "Don't get me wrong here, but it's kinda obvious isn't it?"

"What is?"

I narrowed my eyes at him.  "Either you are blind, or you're messing with me and I am not entirely sure what one to go with.  Take a good look at me puppet boy, what do you see?"

"I know what is going on with you, you idiot, I am just confirming _you_ do." He went up to the wall and I followed him with my eyes.  A button?  That was new.

"Why wouldn't I know?  You have no idea how much it fucking hurts to turn into a damned girl." 

His fingers went to the button and he started to press it.  Frantically pressed it.  Push, push, push, push.  "Damn it all Gaara, get your ass up here.  Why is always when he is in a meeting when something major happens?  Kankuro, watch Naruto while I'm in a meeting, it will only be a few hours.  Kankuro, don't worry, nothing will happen again, stop whining."

I stared at him.  Gaara?  He was calling Gaara up?  I swallowed.  I didn't want to.  Not yet.  "Don't.  Not yet."

He turned to me.  "Don't what?"

"Gaara."

We locked eyes and he frowned.  "I already called him, and if you're afraid of telling him, he already knows."

I looked back up to the ceiling and looked at the spiral.  "How is he?"  I willed myself to be tired.  I was, but I wanted to go back to sleep.  Not face him.  Not yet.  I had no idea what to say.  What could I say?  There was no way I could make this better, to make it go away.  I didn't want to make it go away, and I was ashamed of it.  I was carrying his child, our daughter, and he already knew.  I wasn't the one to tell him.  I wasn't the one.  I was supposed to be.  It was supposed to be _me_. 

"You can ask him yourself, I'm not a go between, so don't even start."  He pressed the button a few times then went to the door.  He opened it then paused there.  He sighed.  "This is something between you and him.  I'm not getting involved more than I already have been, so you just have to deal with it."  He looked as though he would say something else, but thought better of it and he left the room, shutting the door behind him.

The beeping of the heart monitor sped up.  Deep breaths.  I could do this.  I wasn't ready.  I couldn't face him.  Not after what I had done.  I looked up at the ceiling, then closed my eyes.  Hell with it.  I wasn't going to deal with this.  Not yet.  I should have played dumb, then Kankuro wouldn't have called for Gaara and I wouldn't be panicking about it.   Keep my eyes closed, let my exhaustion take me.  Let it...

The door opened.  Stay calm.  Don't let on I'm awake.  Even breaths.  Keep my eyes closed.  "Kankuro?" Gaara's husky voice travelled over me and I fought the shiver in my body it created.  Thankfully, it also served to relax me, and I felt as though I was floating for a moment.  I heard footsteps, then after a moment of silence, a deep warmth exploded into my hand, fingers entwined in mine.  He was holding my hand?  Skin, I could feel his skin...

True exhaustion crept over me like a blanket, starting from the warmth in my hand.  This warmth spread quickly up my arm, taking away my dull ache and I sighed from the relief of it.  The theory of Gaara being able to take away my pain was right.  I wonder if they told him.  If this is why he was willingly touching me.  With his skin.  His _skin_.  The one and only time I had ever felt it before was when we shook hands all those years ago, and _then_.  But that had been a different sort of warmth, one I guilted him into without thought. 

I focused on my breath, the warmth, the oddly soothing beeps which reminded me I was still alive, until...

*                 *                 *

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

Alive.  The first thought which crossed my mind when I woke up.  My hand twitched.  Cold.  My warmth was gone.  I had fallen asleep, maybe he left.  I hadn't even been able to tell Temari Gaara was my baby's father.  He would know though, just by looking at me, just with the knowledge of what we had done. 

What I had forced him to do.  I took advantage of him, I fulfilled my stupid wish, my secret fantasy.  I ruined what we had and forced it to go on.  I didn't want to force a life he didn't want on him.  I wanted to find a way to tell him so he wouldn't be obligated to me or our child if he didn't want it.  Yet...

Here I was.  In Suna.  In his house.  His _house_.  How long had I been out?  I would have to ask in order to know, but it would mean talking to him.  Him.  I wasn't ready.  I should have consulted him on everything, but I knew I couldn't.  I opened my eyes and looked at the spiral on the ceiling.  I sighed and turned my head to the door.  And flinched.  I found my eyes locked onto the expressionless, cross armed porcelain figure of Gaara who seemed to be staring at me with unblinking eyes.  Why did he have to be so damned creepy?  I didn't even hear him breathing.  Maybe he was onto me.  Maybe he knew if he moved I wouldn't have woke up.  I sighed and looked up to the ceiling again.  "Hey Gaara." I cleared my throat.  My voice felt high, almost similar to when a bubble formed in my throat and it changed my voice a little until it went away.  I knew it wouldn't.  It was different, even from the last I remembered.  Well, other than my annoying conversation with Kankuro a little while ago.  Damn, I even _sound_ like a girl now.  Great.  Couldn't even keep my voice.

Calm the hell down, Naruto, you _chose_ this.  Baby, Gaara, worth it.  It would be worth it.  It had to be.  I swallowed.  He hadn't responded to me yet, and my nervousness showed in the beeping of the heart rate monitor.  It would be nice not to have something attached to me so I could hide my emotions better.  No matter how wide I would smile, the beeping would show it.  There was no hiding the fact I was nervous about something.  I felt the bed tilt slightly and I gasped.  It had to be him.  He must have come closer.  Enough to lean on the bed.  I took a deep breath.  He wouldn't let me avoid him.  It wasn't as though I could move, he had me fucking tied to the bed.  Was it really all that necessary?  Now I was here, I wasn't just going to go run off or anything, I wasn't that crude, damn.

"Naruto." His voice was deep and the low tone sent a shiver through my spine.  "Is there something you wish to tell me?"

 _Wish_.  Great choice of words there, buddy.  Nope.  I had nothing to say.  Absolutely nothing.  I made the mistake of turning my head towards him.  Close.  He was too close.  His face hovered near mine, enough so I could feel his breath on my skin.  It was warm and smelled of... Tea?  My eyes wandered his face, looking everywhere but his eyes.  His expression hadn't changed.  Even this close, he looked as though he was made of porcelain.  I wondered if I touched his face, if it would be cool and smooth. 

I knew better though, the sand he covered himself in tended to feel like sandpaper, rough, uninviting yet...  I found myself studying his lips. With a slight lean, I could kiss him.  Remove the top layer of my skin, but I could do it.  It would shock the hell out of him, wouldn't it?

Yet.  _Beep.  Beep.  Beep.  Beep.  Beep._   With the sound of the beeping speeding up he moved back and I cursed the machine.  Why, I wasn't sure, but I felt the loss of his breath.  Kiss.  Had I really just been thinking of kissing him?  Man, I seriously am hopeless.  _Hey Gaara, I turned into a girl for you and got pregnant, now kiss me.  Never mind you're the most untouchable person I've ever met, and I practically raped you._ I groaned.  Sure, great idea, Naruto.  Great damned idea.  Just keep forcing myself on him until he either kills me or gives in, what a plan.  Just because I lost my damned mind and fell for him didn't mean he wanted the same.  Awkward.  Change the subject.  Talk.  Do _something_.  "Why am I all tied up?" Maybe not the best something.

He was back to sitting next to me, his arms crossed, his expression just as unreadable.  "You are avoiding my question."

Shiver.  Damn, when did I get so sensitive to his voice anyway?  "So are you." My body felt heavy, I could tell, even with me tied up I wouldn't exactly be able to go anywhere, even if I tried.  I wasn't stupid enough to make a clone, it could harm me, or more importantly, the baby.  My worry for her renewed.  Now I thought of it, I realized I hadn't felt her move since I woke up, even though it felt as though my abdomen was weighted somehow it could have been a trick of my mind.  Was she ok?  Had she been harmed in the attack?  I struggled against the confines where my arms were held down.  I wanted to feel her.  I wanted to make sure.  I had to know. _Was she ok_?  She needed to be ok.

Hands held my arms down.  "Relax."

Something in my snapped with this simple word.  " _Relax_?  How can I?  I'm fucking tied to a bed, I can barely move, I'm in Suna earlier than I thought I would be and I am pretty sure you already have figured out what in the hell is going on with me.  So tell me why in the hell I should damn well relax?  I wasn't fucking ready to talk yet.  I don't know how to face you, I asked Kankuro not to push the damn button, but he fucking did anyway.  I don't know what to say, I don't know how to handle this, I don't know how to fix-" My voice broke, my sudden rant ended with the broken sentence.

His eyes barely widened with my words.  For a while, I didn't think he would respond or acknowledge what I said, but when I was about to break the silence he spoke.  "You remember Kankuro?"

I stared at him.  Out of everything I just said, it was my mention of Kankuro he picked out?  After that long to think about everything?  "Why wouldn't I?"

He tilted his head slightly.  "You remember Kankuro."  A statement.  A dumb one.  I think Gaara lost his damned mind.

Maybe this was too much for him too?  "I think I kinda established that, Gaara.  What the hell?  You're not making any damn sense."

He leaned up and I felt the straps on my arms loosen.  I watched him as more of the straps loosened, then he sat back down.  This time, his back was hunched, his arms on his knees.  It was like he was carrying a weight, and his eyes shifted away from me, a stray strand of hair fell forwards and covered his face.  His face was still blank, but the shadow was heavy, the posture...  I couldn't.  I couldn't look at him while he was like this.  I tested my arm, and while it felt heavy, I could move it.  I used the arm on the opposite side of my body, the one Gaara wouldn't so easily see to feel for her.  Our daughter.  _His_ daughter.  The one I forced into his life.  My fingers reached the raised flesh which covered her as she grew inside me and... Bigger.

Without thinking my other hand travelled to the same place.  She was so much bigger.  She shouldn't have grown this much.  She...  "How long?  How long have I been here?" I turned my head to him.  How close was I now?  I should have had four months left.  I almost had made it to five months, but her growth was impossible.  I thought I shown before, but it felt as though my entire stomach was now made of baby.  I pressed slightly, wondering if I could force her to move.  It was such a weird feeling before.  I wanted to feel it again.  Movement.  Proof she was there.  Alive.  Safe.  Then, a tickle started somewhere beneath my fingers, then I flinched as I felt a strange rumble, and my hand moved.  I smiled and sighed.  She was alive in there.  Thank goodness.

I relaxed again, letting my hands fall back down to the bed.  I swallowed and looked back over to Gaara, who was still hunched over, but his eyes were now back on me.  Silent.  Calculating.  A sigh.  "Two months."

Numb.  I felt as though I were falling.  No.  It couldn't be.  My hand went back to her.  Two months.  Which left only two months left.  Two measly months to prepare.  To prepare him.  Prepare him for her.  For me.  Just in case.  I needed to make sure he would take care of her in case...

 _In case_.  I couldn't bring myself to finish the though.  But not now.  Not yet.  It would be too soon, too much for him now.  But _soon_.  The world blurred and I blinked the forming moisture from my eyes.  I didn't want to think about it.  Two months.  Two months and she would be here.  Two months and we would be parents.  His first, my third, but the first this way.  First.  Maybe only.  Two months.  Two months before I might-

"What are your thoughts on ice cream?"

I froze.  _What_?  I stared at him, he was back to his usual posture, his arms folded, a serious look on his face.  I laughed.  I laughed so hard it hurt.  There was something about the off the wall question, and the way he looked as he asked it.  I wheezed and ended in a small snort.  "Ice cream, huh?"  I felt the weight of my previous thoughts settle deep inside my chest, but I forced myself to smile.  Change the subject.  Lighten the mood.  Don't think about what was going on.  So, I thought about ice cream.  The delicious, sweet cold treat.  The way it would cool me off, the shock of cold to my tongue.  Sour.  I wanted something sour.  What was sour?  Lime, and... "Lime and chocolate would be really good, ya know?"

He blinked, then nodded.  "This might be easier."

I frowned at him.  "Easier than what?"

He stood.  "It doesn't matter."  He turned from me and my breath caught in my throat.  He was leaving.  Why was he leaving?  Just because I wasn't ready to talk to him didn't mean I wanted him to leave.

"Wait."

He paused and looked over his shoulder, his brow twitched upwards.  "I'll be back."

The door echoed when it shut.  I'm not sure why, but there was something about the way he had looked at me, when his shoulders had hunched over, which left me with a bad feeling.

I just hoped I was wrong.  I hoped I would have another chance to explain.

My stomach grumbled and I sighed.  Scratch that.  I hoped he would bring me the ice cream.


	4. Crash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I managed to get this one out, phew.  It was a hard one to write because to me it felt raw, and I hope I was able to portray the emotion associated with this.  And... The return of a certain person!  Thing.  Creature.  Anyway, I hope you enjoy!
> 
> I know it is a little shorter than I usually do, but with the overlapping time frames I don't want to get too advanced between perspectives, and I'm trying to figure out the best places to switch.
> 
> As always, comments/reviews serve to inspire.

 

 

** Gaara **

"Damn it Gaara, you are going to have to ask her yourself when she wakes up, I'm not doing it.  She was fucking awake when I left, so she is probably faking it."

I frowned at him.  After a couple minutes of  holding onto Naruto's hand I tested the thought and picked her hand up by the wrist.  "No, she was limp." I ignored the odd look he sent my way.  "She won't remember."

"Something big.  Not going to explain past that, no matter your threats, so don't even try."

I studied him a moment.  "Dinner?"

He groaned.  "No.  Bribery won't work either.  Tempting though." He rubbed his chin.  "No, definitely won't work."

I sighed.  "Tell Baki I will see him tomorrow.  The meeting is postponed until I talk with my wife." My voice squeaked on the word.  It was still hard.  Hard to process.  Wife.  I had a wife, and my wife was Naruto.  How would she react when she found out we were married?  She had no choice in the matter.  Then again, it seems she left me with no choice about it either.  It occurred to me the secret she kept was the fact she _knew_ what would happen between us.  In a way, it was flattering she wanted to be with me so badly she let it happen.  She _let_ it happen.  There was a painful lurch in my chest.  I turned from my brother before the pain I felt from the thought showed on my face.  He didn't stop me as I silently left the kitchen and made my way back up to her.  My Naruto.

Mine.  It didn't matter what she thought about our marriage.  She let this thing happen between us, gave me the opening to take her.  I wouldn't let her go so easily.  Not like her ex wife.  I wouldn't allow it.  She was mine.  _Mine_.  I tried to clear my mind as I made my way into her room, the soft sounds of the monitor reassuring me she was still alive.  Nothing else mattered.  Just this beeping sound.  The one which meant she was still with me.  I didn't care about what she had done, or how she would take the news about us, or- Another painful lurch in my chest.  I pressed my hand over my heart and grabbed the fabric of my robes.  At least, I wanted not to care.  For me, she was the most important thing in my life.  No matter what happened this fact would not change.  I love her too much.  I _love_ her.  Watching the blade twist inside of her, feeling her life leave wretched my heart from my chest.  More painful than my death.  Numbing.  I would not lose her again. 

I formed the sand into a chair beneath me and I sat down, arms crossed and I watched her.  I would stay until she woke up.  Find out what was so important my brother interrupted my meeting with Baki.  It had been an important one.  I was detailing new delegations so I could spend more time at home.  With her.  With our...  My eyes strayed to the rise in her abdomen.  Child.  Our child.  I clenched my jaw.  Once Kimiko woke up I would have to give the order.  One I didn't want to say, but had to.  Naruto first.  _Always_ Naruto first.  I couldn't tell _her_ my decision though.  Not after everything she put herself through for the child.

Her hand twitched.  My attention snapped to her fully and I watched her face.  She was waking up.  I stayed still.  If Kankuro was correct, she might have fallen asleep while pretending to sleep.  If this was true, she might not wake up if she heard me.  What had she remembered?  What would it be she didn't want to see me?  Her lashes fluttered open and after a moment she sighed and turned her head towards me.  I carefully kept my face blank as she noticed me, made obvious by the full body flinch the moment our eyes met.  She met my gaze then sighed and looked back up to the ceiling.  "Hey Gaara." She cleared her throat.

I felt the painful lurch in my chest again.  The beeping of the heart rate monitor sped up.  Kankuro had been correct.  She didn't want to talk to me.  I allowed her the silence.  Minutes passed, and for once it was me who could no longer take the silence.  It was wrong.  Naruto being so quiet was wrong.  For the past two day she had woken in a panic, apologizing profusely.  Last night, she woke with a start, then blushed profusely when she looked at me.  Then, today, I simply got the silent treatment.  Maybe she realized she was turning into a woman, maybe she remembered she was pregnant.  Maybe, she remembered she was no longer married to Hinata.

I stood up and leaned on the bed.  I brought my head down towards hers.  If I got close enough, she wouldn't ignore me.  I wouldn't allow it.  "Naruto."  I half whispered her name.  "Is there something you wish to tell me?" I chose my words carefully.  Hint to her I knew what happened.  Mostly.  She tended to be a blubbering mess when she woke up the past couple of days, but I could make out enough she made a wish to have me ravish her but conveniently forgot about the sand.  Then, last night...  The apology she made after she blushed at me.  It was wrong.  But...  I bit my tongue so as not to react to the painful lurch my heart made.  I wished it would stop.  I shouldn't be so concerned about something so trivial as to being taken advantage of.  I had let her.  It was just as much my fault.  I didn't have to let her through my sand.  I didn't have to continue, once I realized what was happening.  But...

I found myself staring into her bright blue eyes.  My breath hitched.  I let myself get too close.  Her eyes travelled my face, then seemed to settle somewhere lower.  Was she avoiding my gaze?  Couldn't she even look at me?  _Beep.  Beep.  Beep.  Beep.  Beep._   The sound sped up and I realized my thoughts were true.  Avoiding me.  Nervous.  She didn't want me here.  I swallowed down the lump forming in my throat and sat back down.

"Why am I all tied up?"

I almost didn't stop the groan before she turned her head to look at me.  She wouldn't get away with changing the subject.  "You are avoiding my question."

"So are you."

Her question wasn't important to me.  I wasn't avoiding it, it was more habit to keep her from freaking out about the baby.  She had seen her body once before she remembered.  It was a very, _very_ long day when it happened.  Ever since, we had kept her tied up entirely.  No need to put her through extra stress.  It was easier to deal with the discomfort of being tied down than to deal with her realizing not only she was now a woman, but an extremely pregnant one.  Seven months.  The baby was quite obvious now.  Without warning her eyes widened and she lurched, her arms struggled frantically against the ties and a soft whimper escaped her lips.  Panic.  She was panicking. 

I lunged forward, grabbed her arms and firmly held them down.  I didn't want her hurting herself, or our child.  "Relax."

Her head snapped at me and anger flashed through her features.  " _Relax_?  How can I?  I'm fucking tied to a bed, I can barely move, I'm in Suna earlier than I thought I would be and I am pretty sure you already have figured out what in the hell is going on with me.  So tell me why in the hell I should damn well relax?  I wasn't fucking ready to talk yet.  I don't know how to face you, I asked Kankuro not to push the damn button, but he fucking did anyway.  I don't know what to say, I don't know how to handle this, I don't know how to fix-" Her voice broke and she fell silent.

I stared at her, unable to move.  I tried processing what she said.  She...  The lies she...  Avoiding me.  Kankuro?  "You remember Kankuro?"  Coherent thought.  I needed to think.

Her face blanked.  "Why wouldn't I?"

I tilted my head at her, still keeping my face carefully blank in spite of the inner turmoil and confusion of my thoughts.  "You remember Kankuro."

"I think I kinda established that, Gaara.  What the hell?  You're not making any damn sense."

No.  I probably wouldn't.  She didn't remember her episodes.  The time between.  But... She remembered now.  She remembered the last time she was awake.  Was she back?  Was this the time she would keep her memory?  Without thinking I moved to undo her binds.  If she remembered the baby, there was no point in keeping her tied down.  I could make her promise not to make clones.  I removed the spacers between her fingers and sat back down.

With the motion it felt as the world fell onto my shoulders.  I crumpled inwards and caught my own weight with my knees.  _Fix._   I hadn't thought about it.  _Fix._   Her one word began to echo inside of my mind.  What have I done?  There was no way out for her.  She was mine.  She was trapped with me.  Mine.  _Fix._   Fix what?  There was nothing to fix between us, which left only herself.  Was she regretting it?  Me? The baby?  How angry will she be when she finds out I had married her while she was still more or less comatose?  The lurching pain in my chest grew and I tried not to panic.  What choice did she have in all this?  She made a mistake by wishing for me.  She was too kind, too bright to allow a life to die and gave up everything for the child.  It wasn't for me, but for the child.  _Fix._   With my one decision I had doomed her to a life with me.  She lost everything.  There was no way for her to fix it.

"How long?  How long have I been here?"

I refused to look up.  I refused to see her face as she realized how much the baby had grown.

 _Relax._   How could I have been so stupid?  I hadn't been able to relax since the attack, how could I ever expect her to?  I heard her sigh and I forced myself to look at her.  I nearly choked when I seen the smile on her face, her hands on the child.  _Her_ child.  I know she had gone to Temari, but had she really planned on telling me, or was she safeguarding in case she- Her hands fell down heavily to her sides and the tension seemed to leave her shoulders.

I sighed.  No.  I wasn't going to think about it.  "Two months." She deserved an answer.  I didn't want to say it.  Perhaps I should have given her more time to adjust.  To remember.  To recover.

To find out about my betrayal.  Would she hate me for it?  I couldn't tell her.

I wasn't ready.

I couldn't.

Not now.

I began to tremble as her hands slowly reached back up her stomach and I forced myself to sit upright.  This wasn't the time to have a panic attack.  Naruto gained her memory back.  This was the moment I had been preparing myself for.  I wanted this.

I folded my arms tightly against my chest, tightening them in an attempt to hide the tremble.  I breathed in through my nose and stole a glance at the spiral on the ceiling.  Calm down.  Breathe deep.  Slowly, the tremble faded. 

It was easier to think about ice cream.  "What are your thoughts on ice cream?"  Change the subject.  Hide the pain.  Don't let her see.  _Never_ let her see.

She stiffened and looked over to me.  Her eyes were wide, confused.  Then, she laughed.  A deep, full laugh which brightened her.  I still wasn't sure what everyone found so funny about ice cream.  She gave a slight wheeze which ended in a half laugh, half snort.  "Ice cream, huh?"  She smiled, but this one was forced.  Mask.  She was humoring me, and the weight grew within my chest.  "Lime and chocolate would be really good, ya know?"

I blinked at her.  Lime?  Chocolate?  These seemed like ordinary flavors compared to the ones she had mentioned before.  "This might be easier."  I think I could convince the man to make it for me this time.

She frowned.  "Easier than what?"

The pain spread, knocking the wind from my lungs.  I stood, not sure how much longer I could hide this feeling.  Keep my mask.  "It doesn't matter."  She didn't need to know about her episodes.   Not yet.  She needed to sleep.  To recover.  Build her energy.  I turned from her and let out a long silent breath.

Away.  I needed to get away.  The need was sudden and it took everything in my power not to just bolt from the room.  Be confident.  Don't show it.  Don't let her witness this.  I felt my heart begin to race.  I lost my breath, I could barely feel my legs.

Panic.  I needed out.  I needed away.  I couldn't do this.

 _I can't do this._ I was to the door when her voice came.

"Wait." Soft.  Weak.  There was a twist in my heart at the broken sound of the singular word.

I swallowed.  Don't look.  She might see.  Don't let her see.  I looked over my shoulder, my brow twitched, threatening to drop my carefully constructed mask.  "I'll be back."  I quickly turned from her and left, closing the door behind me.  The sound of the door echoed through my body, jolting me.  Away.

I needed...

I had to...  _I can't breathe._  

My feet took me up the few flights of stairs to my room.  Alone.  I was alone here.  I shut the door, sealed it with sand.  Then, I crumpled to the ground, my legs no longer able to hold me.  The emotions I tried to bury for the past two months rushed me.  My back against the wall, I drew my legs in and I buried my head in my hands.  I still couldn't breathe.

Instead of breath, I gave a broken sob, one which reverberated through my entire body.  What was I doing?  What had I done?  Why was this happening to us?

I wasn't ready for this.  I wasn't ready for _any_ of this.  Not her.  Not the baby.  Not the future.  Not the possibility of Naruto dying.  Not marriage.  Not the implications marriage entailed.  There had been no choice.  No options.  No ways out.  This was the card dealt to us, and I wasn't ready.  I didn't know if I could do it.  None of it.  I wasn't good at anything like this.  I was good at politics.  I was good at rules and speeches.  I was good at representing strength.  I was good at protecting my people.  I was good at killing.

I was not good at reading people.  I was not good at being a father.  I didn't even know where to begin at being a husband.  I didn't know how to love.  How to express it.  How to make someone happy.

I just...

I just didn't...

I hugged my knees, the tears falling down my face, absorbing into my sand.  I couldn't stop.  I couldn't stop crying.  So I let them fall.

_Fix._

There was no such thing.

*                 *                 *

I stared out the window.  I hadn't moved from this spot in my room in three days.  I was numb.  I had cried until the tears would no longer flow from my eyes.  Then, after my body had cramped from its location on the floor I had forced myself to the chair at my desk.  I think people had come by, but I couldn't remember for sure.  There might have been voices at my door.  I wasn't paying attention to them.  It was everything I could do just to breathe.  Air in.  Air out.  Beyond the numb, the pain in my chest faded into a dull constant ache.  One I didn't want to acknowledge.  The acidic pain my stomach started to produce on the second day was also fading.  Hungry.  But I couldn't move.  I couldn't talk.

I didn't want to see her.  I didn't want to tell her what I had done.  What I had condemned her to.  Who I condemned her to.  What sort of idiot was I to think she would want to spend her life with me?

Not that I would ever rescind my decision, but the sheer possessiveness I felt towards her made it even harder to face her.  How was I supposed to admit to her I didn't care what she thought of me?  Though, I wasn't sure I could handle her telling me her true thoughts on it.  Mine.  She was mine and I would keep her.  I would make sure she would live.  I would drain the cities money if need be in order to achieve this.  Nothing mattered to me beyond her.

Her.  I wondered how she would handle it.  How she would take it once she fully processed there would be no going back.  I wondered how she would handle the loss of the use of her chakra.

These thoughts, the thoughts about not being able to handle anything to do with Naruto and the baby, the thoughts about what would happen after the baby was born and the possibility of Naruto not making it replayed continuously in my mind.  Over and over again like a broken record.

I should be running Suna.  Assigning missions, making sure everything was running smooth and tracking down the attackers and figuring out what purpose they had in trying to kill _my_ Naruto.

"Well, aren't we depressed?"

My eyes shifted towards the voice and found myself staring at... Myself.  Perhaps I should have forced myself to eat something after all.  I was hallucinating.  I blinked at the illusion, hoping it would go away, but it stayed firmly rooted to the floor.  Wonderful.

"Two whole months, and you only now freak out about what is happening?  It is clear as day what you are thinking.  Naruto is too dumb to realize it though.  You abandoned her, didn't you?"

Naruto isn't dumb.  A little.  No, definitely not dumb.  I wanted to chastise the illusion for daring to insult her, but my voice wouldn't work.

"Yes, for three days.  She's been down there.  All alone, confused as to why you just ran off like this." The voice was far too sweet.  Far too amused.  My imagination was a sordid thing if it came up with _this_.  My illusion came closer to me.  "You went through with it didn't you?  I can almost feel your regret from here.  How wonderful, she is going to flip out when she finds out about it.  Don't you think so?"

I leaned back as it drew nearer, it's face now only inches from mine and I could feel it's breath on my cheek.

Breath?  Illusions didn't have breath.  I tentatively moved a hand between us and tested it, and it pushed against solid flesh.  Real.  Not an illusion.  "Figure it out?" The breath began to have a scent.  _Naruto._   "Gaara?" My name was spoken in a whisper and the scent became almost overwhelming.

I breathed it in.  Naruto.  This scent was purely Naruto.  Which meant only one thing.  I bit my tongue and cleared my throat and said the only thing which came to mind.  "How did you get in here?"

It may not have been the best first question to ask, but I hadn't eaten in three days.

He leaned back, his smile turned up slightly more on the left into a smirk.  "Does it really matter?" He gave a laugh which sent a shiver down my spine.  A slow, sadistic type of laugh.  I wasn't sure I wanted to know.


	5. Panic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 4th of July!  Or, if you aren't in america, then Happy Unbirthday!  Because, unbirthdays are amazing, yeah?
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter, and as always comments/reviews serve to inspire :D

 

 

** Naruto **

It had been a while before the unease I felt while Gaara left the room returned.  Then grew.  Slowly grew inside me until, after what felt like hours, I was still _alone_.  It wouldn't have been so bad if I had been left with something to do.  Or if I could actually move more than a few inches at a time before my body wanted to give out on me.  Instead, I found myself feeling up my stomach.  Taking in every new inch it had grown.  Wondering how big she was now.  "What am I going to call you, hm?"

There was a movement beneath my hand and I gave a half laugh at the feeling.  "Hey there.  It's been a while, huh?  I'm sorry, little one.  I'm here now." I caressed the skin over her, wondering if she could feel it, if she would be comforted by it.  How much was she aware of in there?  She was getting so big.  In just two short months, she would be here, and if everything went well, I would be able to hold her in my arms.

I really wanted some damned ice cream.  Or picture books.  Both ice cream and picture books.  Maybe she would be more like Gaara, her _father_.  "Do you think you will like books, little one?  I think you might, with how much I want to read to you.  I don't like reading, so it's kinda weird, ya know?" Another movement.

Might have been coincidence, but I decided to take it as an answer.  As though she understood what I said.  I turned my head towards the door.  How long had it been anyway?  I frowned at the door, willing it to open and show an ice cream toting Gaara.  Yet, I knew it wouldn't.  There was something in the way he looked at me.  The posture he held before he left and I knew.  He wasn't coming back.  Not yet.  Not after my rant, after I had thought about it, after I calmed down I realized he might have even been telling himself to relax.

I sighed and rubbed the baby.  She was so damned big now.  If she got much bigger I think I might pop.  "You don't think your dad's mad at me do you?" Twist.  _Yes, idiot._ I smiled at the thought.  Dad.  Father.  Gaara was her father.  I felt a small tickle in my chest from it.  Fix.  I knew I couldn't fix what I had done to him.  I was making him a father without his consent.  I had forced him into this position.  I might make him a single father if I didn't just fucking relax.  Though, with him missing and this knot which was growing in my stomach telling me he wasn't coming back, the liar, it was hard to get myself to calm down.  Breathe.  Everything was going to be fine.  Gaara had to know he was my only hope to live through this.  Even I knew it.  They would have told him, right?

My eyes widened.  What if he didn't know?  How exactly did I end up in Suna?  Was it an assumption?  Had they found me after the attack comatose and pregnant, and after hearing the news Gaara just put the pieces together and had me transferred here?  I groaned as I felt something punch up to my ribs.  "Ouch."  I rubbed her.  Then I laughed.  Moody.  "Maybe you will be just like him, huh?"  I took a deep breath.  How did the story go again?  I couldn't remember but one thing.  "You know, I love you to the moon and back.  I am sure your dad will love you just as much, hm?" Dad.  Gaara was her _dad_.

Gaara... A warmth grew in my chest.  If he didn't hate me for doing this to him, maybe I could make him happy?  He deserved to be happy, didn't he?  I shifted in the bed, turning on my side to let the bed support the baby.  I rested my hand on her, the position letting me keep my hand there without much effort.  I smiled down at her.  I wanted to see her.  I really, _really_ wanted to see her.

At least, I was in the place where I might be able to do just that.  The thoughts of a future with him filled my mind.  There, I pictured him as he made sand balls for a tiny girl with a wide smile and the image lulled me to sleep.

*                 *                 *

I stared at the door.  I was still alone.  The empty feeling of the room was becoming overwhelming.  _Open._   Come back.  "I'm sorry." I spoke it to the door.  I hadn't had time to take in my situation before.  I was fine now.  I needed to talk to him.  Tell him I'm sorry.  Tell him about the wish.  Tell him-

I heard movement.  My heart raced.  Had he come back?  I held my breath as the handle to the door turned.  Be Gaara, please, just be Gaara.  I groaned as the person entered the room.  It was Temari.  Wait.  _Temari_.  "Temari!"

She nearly jumped at her name.  "Naruto, you're awake."

"Yeah." I attempted to return to my back and found I was starting to hurt again.  " _Damn_ it."

She half jogged to me.  "Here, let me help." Hands went under me and moved me to my back with hardly any effort.  "Maybe I should get some pillows, let you sit up?" She paused, then her eyes widened.  "Wait, how were you on your side?"

"Gaara untied me, then he left."

She stood there, staring at me until it felt uncomfortable.

I shifted under the weight of it.  "Hey, why are you looking at me like that, don't be so damn weird, ok?"

"When did he leave?  Why did he untie you, you haven't made any clones have you?" She spoke quickly, almost panicked.

What the hell?  Why was everyone being so confusing?  "I don't know, I fell asleep after he left.  He fucking promised me ice cream, but he wasn't like himself.  I ranted at him about not being ready to see him, because damn it I just woke up.  In fucking Suna.  You bastards brought me here, and I reacted, now he is fucking the hell mad at me.  I mean, what the hell?  Damn it Temari, I wish I hadn't reacted in front of him."

She leaned on the bed.  "You fell asleep?  You're sure?  You remember him, you remember-"

"I remember Konoha getting attacked, a crazy amount of pain, then waking to Kankuro calling Gaara in.  I was out two months?  Did he take it ok?  I kind of freaked out on him, so I don't know how he is doing.  How much does he know?  Did anyone tell him about my wish?  About his touch helping me?"

She smiled and let out a sigh.  "You're _back_ , thank goodness."

I frowned at her.  "What do you mean, I'm back?  What is with you guys being so cryptic and shit?"

"Does it matter?  It took longer than anyone thought for you to pull all the way through, this is a good thing, our reactions."

I sighed.  "Guess not, it's just confusing."  I rubbed the baby.  "Those pillows would be nice though, and something to do.  It is seriously boring just laying here, ya know?"

"Yeah, no problem." She turned and left, an odd spring to her step. 

Back.  Why did I have the odd feeling this wasn't the first time I woke up?  The way they all reacted to me, questioning my memory...  Oh damn.  I didn't tell him...  What if I told him about the wish already?  How much did he know?  If I wasn't in my right mind... If I didn't have some sort of filter...  I groaned.  Did I confess to him?  About my fantasy of him, about still wanting him?  Damn, what if the last time I woke up I had stared just as blatantly at those luscious lips of his.  Pale, perfect.  Like the rest of him.

There was something wrong with me.  Here I was, half dead after a two month coma and all I could think about was ravishing him.  While I was pregnant, very pregnant.  It wasn't my fault though, he was just so... Perfect and porcelain.  Knowing there was a piece of him growing inside me didn't help any either.  I sighed when the door opened again and I seen Temari emerge buried in a heap of pillows.

Well, she said she would be bringing me pillows.  A bit of an overkill though.  "Don't get me wrong, but why so many pillows?"

She dropped them in a heap on the floor next to the bed and gave me a large, toothy smile.  "Just want to make sure I got the best ones.  I gathered them from the other guest room, Shinki's room and Kankuro's.  I am sure they won't mind at all letting you use their pillows.  I'm sure of it."

I stared at her.  Huh?  "Really, you don't have to-"

"Just shut up and let me pamper you will you?" She grabbed me by the shoulders and sat me up.  I tried to help, but I couldn't even manage this one tiny thing.  I could barely move.  I really was useless, wasn't I?

"I'm sorry." I felt pillows being shoved behind my back.

"I said shut up."

I looked over to her and realized she was angry about something.  Her face was set into a stern expression, her lips thin.  Her hands hands left my back and my weight fell to the soft pillows behind me.  I gave a contented sigh, whatever she used was comfortable, maybe it was just being in a different position after laying in bed for what I assumed to be two months, but it was heaven.  "Thank you."

I felt the bed move and I realized she sat down next to me.  She grabbed hold of my hands and squeezed them.  I furrowed my brows at her.  "What all did Gaara tell you?"

"I was out for two months." I paused, "And he asked my thoughts about ice cream."

She sighed.  "Him and the damned ice cream.  I honestly think he is considering buying the manufacture." She shifted and squeezed my hands again.  I could feel the pain slowly ebb away from her touch.  It was nothing like the relief I felt when Gaara touched me, but this helped.

"Why would he do that?"

"You." She bit her lip and looked away.  "You've been asking for it almost every day lately."

Every day?  So I was right about waking up before.  "I don't remember.  Is this why you look like you're about to tell me someone died?"

Her eyes widened and her head snapped back in my direction.  "What?  No, it's just-" She bit her lip again, and the grip she had on my hands became painful.  What was with these people and their death grips?

"Hey, Temari?"

She gave a small hum.

"I can't feel my fingers."

She dropped my hand, then began to wring hers together.  "Naruto, there is something I have to tell you." Her voice cracked and she kept her eyes on her hands.  Avoiding my gaze.

I swallowed.  Had something bad happened?  Were they wrong about me having a possibility of living through the birth?  Was there something wrong with the baby?  With Gaara?  Was that why he seemed so... Down?  "What is it?  Tell me." The words were barely a whisper, my fear of the possibilities of what she could tell me running through my mind.

"Just because I know Gaara didn't say it, and he might not be able to without... And it might be better for you to react to it when he isn't here and..." She trailed off and took a deep breath.  Her hands stopped wringing together and dropped to her dress.  She gripped the fabric, her entire body tensing, but she remained silent.

Her nervousness was palpable and it began to make me feel the same.  "Hey, Temari, if I'm dying or something, just tell me, I can't take this."

She scoffed softly and brought her eyes up to look at me.  They glistened, and she forced a smile on.  "You aren't dying, and I doubt Gaara would allow it."

"Like he would have a choice?" Death.  The thought crashed into my mind as I reminded myself of the reality it could happen.

" _Don't_." The word was stern and the look on her face changed to one closer to anger.  "You are not going to die, so stop thinking about it.  We already almost lost you, we can't-" Her voice broke and she fully turned her head.  "Just don't.  We are going to do everything we can to make sure you make it through this."

Almost lost me?  My stomach twisted.  "Is she alright?  Has anything happened to-"

"No." Her hand went to my arm.  "She is fine, amazing actually.  In perfect health according to your nurse." This time a real smile formed on her lips.  "He doesn't know yet.  What she is.  I hoped you could tell him."

Relief.  She was ok.  "So, I have something left to tell him myself."  I sighed.  This was not how everything was supposed to happen.  Then again, none of this was supposed to happen.  Gaara.  The baby.  Me going all freaking girl, my loss of Hinata and our family.  Konoha.  I ignored the dull ache forming in my chest.  "You're stalling."

Her eyes widened and she gave me a curt nod.  "I was."  She moved to grab my hands.  "Naruto, I need you to listen to me.  I know none of this is how you expected to tell him about you and the baby.  I know you wanted to find a way around the laws here, the council."

My breath caught in my throat.  The laws.  With Gaara being the Kazekage and without any children by blood they...  I hadn't thought about it.  "The council knows I'm here."  Truth.  I was in Suna.  In _his_ house.  As a woman.  Pregnant.  With _his_ child.  "I really am hopeless, aren't I?  He didn't have a choice, I... When?  When will it happen?"  Marriage.  I was hoping for a way around it.  Give him a way out if he decided he didn't want us.  I could have left him be, I could have-

"It won't."

My brain froze.  "Huh?  If it isn't going to happen, then why are you so freaked out?"

"Because it's done."

Done?  What was done?  "What do you mean?"

"Naruto." She squeezed.  "I only mean your marriage to my brother isn't coming up.  It already happened.  Not long after you arrived."  More words.

I couldn't hear any more.  I was, already.  Married.  To Gaara.  I was... He was... He... _Oh gods_.  I fought for breath as the air left my lungs.  "How?  I wasn't even awake.  Is that even... I mean, Gaara, was he..."  I tried to figure out what I was asking but my mind was blank.  I could feel my body begin to tremble and I could feel the baby move inside me.  I took a deep breath.  Damn, that felt weird.  I was upsetting her.  Calm down.  _Think_.

Everything would be ok.  It had to be.  Breathe.  "How did it happen?" This seemed the largest concern.  Was it his choice?  Did they force his hand?  I met her gaze as I concentrated on breathing, staying calm.  She was settling down in me.  Calm.  Remain calm.  Breathe.

"Kankuro said he gave the go ahead, and within hours the council signed the necessary paperwork."

I blinked.  "Was _he_ even there when it happened?"

She shook her head.  "He wouldn't leave you."

My vision blurred.  "Not exactly a picture perfect wedding, was it?" I scoffed.  "Damn."  I couldn't even give him a happy memory when it came to us being... Married.  We were married.  We were fucking _married_.  I was...  I was his wife.  His fucking wife.  An odd emotion twisted in my stomach.  Gaara... "Gaara's my _husband_."  It was weird to say it aloud.  My husband... Mine.  He's _mine_.  My heart raced. 

Temari gave me a funny look.  "That wasn't how I expected you to react." She frowned at me.

"What do you mean?"

"It's the first time I've seen you smile like that since you first came to me."

I brought my hand up to my lips and laughed.  Figures.  The very thought of Gaara being mine made me smile like an idiot.  I sighed.  "I love him.  Even though I didn't want to force him to be tied to me, I'm in love with him.  Temari, I'm _in love_ with him." I pulled my hands away from her.  A lump began to form in my throat as the events from when I woke up replayed in my head.  "Oh damn."  I buried my face in my hands.  Fix.  I told him... I groaned.  I dropped my hands back down to the bed, my arms already aching from the movement up to my face.  "Damn, _damn_.  Where is he?  I think I said something stupid.  I... I need to see him.  _Please_?" Tired.  I was seriously tired.

This was getting to be far too much to think about.  "And can you bring me some picture books?  For the baby." My words were beginning to slur.  I closed my eyes.  So tired.  So very tired.  If she answered me, I didn't catch what she said before I fell asleep.

*                 *                 *

When I woke up, I still felt horrendously tired.  I wanted to go back to sleep.  But I didn't want to go back to sleep.  I was alone in the room now, but what if Gaara came back when I was asleep and I didn't know?  I didn't want to take the chance.  I needed to explain what I meant by not being able to fix anything.  He wouldn't leave me?  Had he been so worried about my condition?  What happened anyway?  I had been doing fine.  Then, wham! I wake up months later in Suna. 

I sighed when I noticed a small stack of children's books next to me on the bed.  On top of the books was a small note with one word.  'Sorry'.  Temari had come and gone, and from the note, Gaara was probably not coming.  I crumpled up the small piece of paper and slowly shuffled through the books when I landed on a peculiar one.  One that made me smile.  There was a little girl on the cover peeking out from behind her mother with crazy red hair and glasses.  I slid it out from the stack and began to flip through the pages and found myself laughing at it.  Perfect.  I rubbed the skin on my stomach which stretched over my little girl.  "How about this one?  Think you might have red hair like her?  I hope you do." I smiled down at her then rested the book on the ledge she formed there.  Kinda convenient and I silently apologized for using her like a table, but I just didn't have the strength to hold up the little book.  I read through it, laughing in places.  How mysterious the little girl seemed, how ordinary of everything else.  I giggled to myself.  Mysterious Myriam and the Big Move. 

"Ready to hear it little one?" I smiled and read through the story, emphasizing all the ordinarys in the book.  "At dinner they ate a simple, easy to recognize meal on plain, _ordinary_ round white plates.  There were no jokes or gags or pranks.  There were no loud noises, bands or food fights..." I continued on continuing to emphasize the words.  By the end, the tiredness I felt was unbearable, and against my will, I fell back to sleep.

*                 *                 *

The book had been set off to the side, along with the rest.  Someone had been here.  I shifted and seen another note, left where the book had been over the baby. 

_Naruto, Gaara is locked up in his room.  He hasn't said a word and nobody can get in.  Don't worry, I am sure he will calm down and see you soon.  Later, Kankuro_

I stared at it then sighed.  How long had it been?  I had no idea, but it felt like forever. 

"Have pleasant dreams, sleeping beauty?"

I froze at the voice.  _Hell no_.  Of any living creature which could have come to ruin my day, this was the worst possible creature.  "Fuck off and disappear."

He laughed at me and came into view from behind me.  "Aw, and here I was all looking forward to seeing your pretty face, Other.  How long has it been?  Two months?" He smiled a twisted smile.  "You were kind of out of it though, so I doubt you remember.  You are welcome by the way.  And congratulations.  I imagine the lovely man of our dreams is the father?"

I glared at him.  He might have _his_ face, but he was most definitely not him.  "You bastard, what in the hell did you do?"

He gave a light hum and sat at the edge of the bed, just far enough away from me so I couldn't deck him without moving.  Jerk.  "Don't be so grumpy Other, you make it sound as if I'm evil."  His hand found it's way to my stomach and I jerked as it neared her.

"Don't _touch_ her." I narrowed my eyes as his hand paused there and I swatted it away the moment I could reach him.

He frowned at me.  A deceptive look on _that_ face.  A face which didn't belong to one such as him.  "What do you honestly think I am going to do?  This is _his_ child, no matter my thoughts on you, even you know I would never do anything to hurt _him_."

I jerked my legs when his hands grabbed hold of me and he began to rub them.  "What in the hell are you doing then?" I glared at him.  The lech was annoying, and I knew I wasn't even safe from his disgusting habits.

He looked up at me with those teal eyes, something dark flashed through them and I heard a small 'pompf'.  "Just having a little fun." 

Hands, hands everywhere.  They grabbed at my arms, at my legs, my forehead.  They held me down, they caressed me.  _Beep.  Beep.  Beep.  Beep.  Beep._ The monitor sped up as Gaaruto clones grasped hold of me and held me in place.  What was he up to?  What was he doing?  I struggled against him, all of him.

"Calm down my lovely Other.  You have become quite the catch like this.  Have you noticed yet?"  He moved up me, shifting his weight onto the bed fully until his legs straddled me just below the bulge of my stomach.  "You should have made this wish so much sooner.  What fun we could have had back then."  He licked his lips and his hand slowly travelled up my body.  He leaned down, his stomach barely touching mine.

"Get.  Off.  Me." I spat the words at him.

He snickered and bent his head down, clones firmly grasped my head so I couldn't move it and the disgusting feel of his lips descended onto my own.  Fingers dipped into my mouth from both sides, forcing it open and I choked as the taste of my own tongue met mine.  I screamed into his mouth, tears forming as he forced the kiss.  Bastard.

Finally, after what seemed an eternity he pulled away from me.  I coughed and gasped for air.  He laughed.  "Aw, poor Other.  It's been a while, hasn't it?  Haven't been able to overpower you like this in some years.  As wonderful as it would be to take advantage of you in this state, I think he would kill me."

I struggled against the clones.  "Why are you doing this?"

He shrugged.  "Memories.  Seems you've gotten yourself married, and pissed off your new lovely husband.  Think I might go pay him a visit."

"I'll fucking kill you!"

He 'tsk'ed me and opened the door.  "You do, and we both die.  Enjoy my clones, lovely." He laughed, and the door closed.

What the hell?

What the _hell_.


	6. Gaaruto Returns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!  Everything feels like it is finally coming together.  I hope you like the new chapter, I will try to get the next one out soon.  I work every other day for a little while (Though I likely won't do anything for this on Tuesday because Birthday, woo!)  So, I hope to squeeze out a couple extra chapters next week.  Can't seem to work on Inheritants much because all I want to do is write on this lol
> 
> Anyway, as always, reviews/comments serve to inspire.
> 
> Thank you all for reading :D

 

** Gaara **

I somehow found myself faced with the implausible reality which was Gaaruto.  I think this is what the thing called itself, though I disliked the name.  It implied far too much for my liking and I still didn't know _how_ exactly the thing made it past my sand barrier.  The sand barrier, which from what I could tell, was very much still intact.  Yet, I felt this thing.  It was real.  Or, I truly had lost my mind, which also may have been a possibility.

"Tell me, what do you know?  Of Naruto, why Other is here, do you know?" The jovial nature of his voice annoyed me, the voice which sounded far too like my Naruto's. 

"Why are you here." A question, but not.  It was an accusation more than a question.  Did it not promise me to help from the inside? 

"You abandoned Other the moment she regained her memory.  Shame on you, sir." He laughed.  "Oh, the look on her face.  She has become quite beautiful, hasn't she?  So supple.  Not like that disgusting wife Other had.  Who needs more than what your hands can hold?"

I stared at it.  What?  What was he talking about?  More than what?

His face blanked a moment, and I realized how disconcerting the look was when it was directed towards me, on _my own face_.  He tilted his head, a strange sort of free moving mirror.  "No.  You wouldn't understand it, would you?  Too innocent for your own good.  I should show you.  Yes, I should."

The shiver returned with the smile which followed.  One I recognized.  Predatory, sadistic.  One I held when seeking blood, when I indulged in the ending of life.  The kind of smile which should never be seen by others.  Yet my mouth and my brain didn't seem to cooperate in unison.  "I'm not innocent." I should have told him to go to hell and get out.  Something less... _Innocent_.  Yet... I was morbidly curious to what this creature would show me.  As long as it didn't touch me.  It was not Naruto, no matter it's connection to her.  It was very much not Naruto.  Nothing like her at all.  _This_ , this was insane, disturbed and possibly sadistic.  Nothing like her at all.

It sighed.  "Not in some ways, I agree, but in _this_ way..." He trailed off and soon a new clone stood next to him.

My mind froze.  I was hungry. And.  Naruto.

Pretty.  Naked.  Naruto.  My face began to heat, the strange tingle began to form in my abdomen and I found myself staring at her.  Not Naruto.  Not Naruto.

Pretty.  Damn it.  Why couldn't I move?  What was wrong with me?

"Naruto made a wish... Did you know?"

I nodded dumbly.  To be with me.  I couldn't move my eyes.  This wasn't the illusion from the cave.  It was... Indecent.  Perfect.  _Current_.  Without the baby, the way Naruto looked without...

"Do you know all of it?  Did you know the wish was specific?  Do you know what she wanted most, out of everything she could have wished for?"

My mouth was dry.  I'm disgusting.  Staring at a naked clone of my wife.  My perfect, beautiful wife.  Short hair, small, pert breasts, a slight curve to her hips.  I felt myself begin to tremble at the sight of her and I swallowed.  I should...

"No, I don't think you do... Let me show you, what the wish was for.  The thing she desired most, the one thing I know she still wants..." His hands moved to my wife's naked body. 

She gasped, her back arched and soon they were against the wall, his mouth crushed to hers, his hands everywhere on her body.  There was a deep moan and her legs rose around him, his body holding her up.  His hands slid lower, down her body, then up her legs and-

I growled as a deep anger began to rise inside my gut.  _Mine_.  I didn't give a damn if he looked like me.  I didn't care if this version of my wife was not real.  I wouldn't allow anyone to touch her.  She was _mine_.  My sand shot forwards and pierced the clone, popping it successfully.  I hovered my sand around him dangerously.  "Don't _ever_ touch her." I neared him, my eyes narrowed.

He smiled, then laughed.  "Can't have you, or my lovely Other.  So jealous." He tilted his head, an obvious mockery.

"I dislike you." The sand around the clone twitched.  Can't kill it.  Don't kill it.  It would harm _her_.

"I dislike Naruto, so it's fair." He walked up to me, a wide smile on his face.  "Don't think I am so stupid to actually be in the room while doing this either.  Maybe you should tell her.  What you feel?  Before my other clones decide to defile her.  She is quite beautiful now, isn't she?"

Other?

Other clones?  I froze.  What was he saying?  Clone.  This disgusting thing wasn't even the real clone?  I growled at it.  I would have some fun then.  "If you have harmed her..."

"You would what?"

"As long as I don't kill you, I can do what I want."  I took pleasure in the way the color drained from his face and I stepped forward.  "Don't think I am so stupid as to not know how to torture without ending it in death." I leaned in.  Out of the two of us, I was the more sadistic, the one who was most tainted.  I could play his game.  I whispered into his ear.  "Did you know, I once kept a boy for a full month before killing him?  The screams he made, I can still hear them.  He begged me at the end, he wanted to die.  For week, he begged for it, I could make you beg.  Would you like it?  To beg?" I moved my sand carefully.  A serious wound would pop it.  No, I needed to leave an impression.  A warning he could heed and understand.  Naruto was _mine_.  No man, or clone, even one of Naruto's would ever touch a beautiful hair on her head. 

I moved the sand until it formed a tiny needle, I slid it into his body from the back. I pressed it in deep into his body and I made sure it wouldn't hit any organs, nothing vital.  The whimper which followed made me shiver.  This was wrong.  I couldn't.  I pulled the sand out of it's body and it fell forward on me.  He sounded too much like Naruto.  I wouldn't let on about my hesitation. 

He grasped at my sides as he tried to keep himself upright.  "Let her know.  Just... Just let her know." His voice was strained.  He sighed. _Pompf._  

Gone.  I was alone.  Naruto.

I needed to get to Naruto.  Other clones.  What were they doing to her?  I quickly removed my sand barrier at the door and rushed down the stairs.  I found myself at her door and slammed it open and froze at the peculiar sight.  I growled at them. Six clones, all holding down my wife, my precious Naruto and she looked completely frightened.  Forget my earlier thought.  I didn't _care_ what voice that bastard had, I was going to torture him indefinitely.  I raised my hand and willed my sand forward.  I made a singular spike, quickly bludgeoning the creatures which looked far too much like me.  There was a chorus of popped clones and I found myself alone in the room.  With Naruto.  With my wife.  My wife who did not yet know she was my wife.  My wife.  _Mine_.

Instead of being intelligible, however, I stood there, my arm still raised and staring at her.  She in turn merely stared at me.  Slowly, I lowered my arm.  Without the immediate threat, my resolve began to fade.  I didn't know what to say.  What _could_ I say?  The pain in my chest began to form again.  I wasn't ready to face her yet.  How could I face her?  I turned.

"Don't!" Her voice cracked with the word.  It was high pitched, fast, desperate.

It forced me to stop.  My shoulders stiffened.  Is this what the creature was after?  To get me down here?  I looked over my shoulder at her.  "Naruto." The pain in my voice was too obvious.  Too revealing.  I wasn't able to hide it yet.  I didn't want her to see me like this.

"Please stay, we need to talk."

I turned my head away.  Did we really need to talk yet?

"Damn it Gaara, please?"

I sighed, my fingers twitched at my sides.  I wanted nothing more than to go back up to my room and try to ignore everything going on.  But.

But.

I couldn't.  Not with her like this.  If I left, I would hurt her.  More than I already had.  I clenched my hands into fists and clenched my jaw.  I needed to stay.  I needed to face this.  I wasn't ready.  I didn't want to.  But it needed to be done.  She couldn't escape her situation.  She was stuck in it, faced with it in every waking moment.  She was a woman, she was pregnant, she was in Suna and without her knowing it, married to me.  She didn't have the luxury of walking away from it, to lock herself away so she didn't have to deal with it.

What had I done?  I left her alone in here with no resolve.  What if she thought I didn't _want_ her?  The baby?  My heart twisted in my chest.  I could at least give her this much.  The knowledge I wanted her here.  I needed her here.  I took a deep breath and used my sand to form a chair next to her bed.

 _Turn around_.  I can do this.  I can face her.  I can... I took a deep breath in through my nose.  My emotions were uncontrollable.  _Run.  Stay.  Hold her.  Keep her away.  Kiss...._ No.  I couldn't.  The image of the idiot before who wore my face, pressing it against hers flashed through my mind.  Lips, tongues tangled.  Shared breath, full contact.  Skin to skin.  The thought, it was indecent, almost as much as the thoughts which would randomly show within my mind from our shared experience, the uncomfortable tingle in my abdomen would come.  Like now.  How could I face her with this thought?  This impossible thought.  It felt wrong.  It was nearly unbearable to hold her hand.  The feeling of her skin on my own, the heat would travel up my spine.  I sighed.  Turn around.  I need to turn around.

But what if my thoughts were right?  Fix.  The words from a few days ago, I wasn't sure I could bare their explanation.  Not if...

"Gaara, just sit down, will you?" Her voice was darker, annoyed.

I forced my body to turn and I raked over her with my eyes.  She was thin, too thin, especially for being with child.  There were bruised on her arms and at the edges of her mouth, her lips slightly swollen.  "He hurt you." I spit out the words.  The creature was disgusting, if I ever saw it again...

"Could have been worse.  How did you know?  He only left a minute ago." She frowned at me, a furrow formed on her brow.  "You... You haven't been watching me all this time have you?"

I blinked and tilted my head.  Keep my face blank.  Don't let her see.  I wasn't ready.  "He was up in my room for a while."

"A while?  How?" She groaned.  "Never mind, he's a damn bastard.  He probably wasn't even here.  Jerk."

"Not here?  He said he wasn't stupid enough to come in person." 

She scoffed and looked up at the ceiling.  "Not the first time, ya know?  Last time he escaped before the Hinata incident, he made me go on a wild goose chase.  Took me over a month to find him in spite of the havoc he caused.  He turned himself into Hinata that time.  Tricked me, the bastard.  Then, after the incident with Hinata, I took precautions to keep him from doing any more damage but..." She trailed off then sighed.  "I hope he wasn't too difficult to handle.  Since you came so quickly, I guess he didn't molest you?"

Tricked?  "What do you mean tricked you?"

She kept her eyes trained on the ceiling and stayed silent.

I wasn't sure I wanted to know.  "He didn't do much." _Made me watch him try and reenact your wish_.  "Naruto, your wish.  What was it exactly?"  Was it messing with me, or did it want me to know?

Her head swung my way, her eyes wide.  "I... How did you..."

"You told me." Clarify.  I took a deep breath, "You mentioned the wish a few times.  You would wake up in a panic and apologize profusely.  Then, a few moments ago, the thing showed me what it was."

Naruto's face went red.  Very red.  "Oh."  She turned back to the ceiling and swallowed.  " _Oh_."  Her hands went to the bump on her stomach and her fingers traced over it lightly.  I could hear the monitor speed up and her hands stopped their movement.  "At first, I thought it was all some stupid joke.  A wish jutsu?  I mean, how weird, right?  Then, Hinata was all weird, and..." She trailed off.  She stayed silent and I was inclined to simply let the words be.  For too long, it seemed. 

When it seemed she was silent for longer than I expected, I realized she had fallen asleep.  I sighed and neared the bed.  "Naruto, forgive me?" I knew she couldn't hear me, but I felt the need to apologize anyway.  For my absence.  For my fears.  For my unreadiness.  For... Everything.  I moved the sand away from my hand and entwined it into hers.  Soon, I watched as the bruises began to fade, the faint swelling to her lips disappear.  That thing kissed her.  My wife.  Before I ever had the nerve to do it myself.  I brushed my fingers upon my own lips and shivered.  Kiss.  Could I?  Without my sand to protect me, would the sensation be too much?

*                 *                 *

I was beyond hungry.  With me downstairs and once again in my constant vigil over Naruto my stomach made itself known.  The problem was I didn't want to move.  Or eat.  I didn't know what I wanted.  I wasn't hungry.  But I was starving so badly I felt physically ill.  I needed to stay here, protect her from whatever was out there.  Namely assassins and that idiot who dared _kiss_ her.

 _Mine_.  I was not going to share her, she belonged to me.  In the past few hours since she fell asleep I made the resolve to conquer my own body.  I would make her mine.  After the baby, I would claim her as my own.  Lay claim to my wife body and soul, as it should be for any regular couple.  Except we were hardly any regular couple.  She had been a man only a few months prior and I had a serious aversion to being touched.  We were married, but neither of us had been present when it became legal.  I sighed.  I could conquer it for her, couldn't I?  I could learn to not only tolerate her touch, but perhaps seek it?  The feel of her hand had slowly become intoxicating to me.  The heat, the pulse it would send up through my shoulder.  The odd way my body reacted to her ever since we...

Since we...

I stared at the bump on her abdomen.  Since we made that.  The little creature growing inside of her, stealing her life away.  The thing I helped create.  The thing which was innocent and needed protecting.  Thing.  Baby.  Little person.  What was it?  Without thinking my hand went to it and pushed aside the fabric of the blanket.  I was tempted to lift the gown up, to touch the skin over the child directly but...

It seemed wrong.  If Naruto caught me, what would she think?  I bit the inside of my cheek, letting the small sharp pain clear my senses.  Child.  This child... _This child_.  I pressed my hand over it and pressed slightly.  Move.  Come on little one, move.  Soon, it responded to my touch and I felt a small fluttering just below Naruto's skin.  My heart jumped at the movement.  It moved.

It moved!  Could it think yet?  Did it dream?  This little being growing inside of my wife, this tiny person, I wanted to know.  What would it look like?  I hoped it took after Naruto, if it did then-

"Gaara?"

I withdrew my hand quickly.  I had been caught.  My shoulders tensed.  I set my jaw.  Wipe the expression from my face, don't let her see.  See what?  What was I afraid of?  Wouldn't she be happy if I were excited for the tiny thing?  Or would she-

"I didn't mean for it to happen.  I thought I could stop it, but... And then I wanted to fix it somehow and I just made it worse and... I'm sorry, Gaara."

I stared at her.  What?  "Naruto?"

She sighed.  "I _forced_ you to be with me.  I never wanted to hurt you, my stupid selfish wish, and I dragged you down with me.  I can't fix that.  I can't ever _fix_ that.  You didn't have a choice, and-"

"Naruto." I stressed her name.  Fix.  This is what she wanted to fix?  It wasn't...  "It's fine." I squeezed her hand, the soft yet slightly calloused skin rough against my fingers.  My fingers which rarely touched anything.  I wondered what I felt like to her.  With my sand.  Without it.  What sort of sensation would it be to her?  Yet...  I had something of my own to confess.  I wasn't sure I could.  I looked away from her, the guilt of it returning.  She may have made the wish, but Naruto was always mine.  An impossible wish never to come true, ignored.  How could I be mad she had made it?  Her wish was for _me_ , no matter the context.

"I know."  She smiled at me and her thumb rubbed against the back of my hand sending a residual shock up my spine. 

My breath hitched at it and the obstinate tingle returned to my abdomen.  "You know?"  I disliked the revealing way my voice cracked.

She hummed.  "Is it wrong to be happy about it?  I hope they didn't force you to.  I just didn't want you to feel as though you had to."

"Had to?"  I had the feeling she knew, but I didn't want to outright say it, just in case we were speaking of different things.  This conversation.  The one I had been dreading, it was going remarkably easy.

"Marry me." The words were whispered, and my stomach twisted.  It almost sounded like a request. _Marry me_.

"I..." The pain in my chest was back.  She deserved more than this.  More than a signing of a paper by third parties.  More than just a name.  A name...  "I..." I had no idea what to say to her.  _Marry me.  Fix._   Everything was too much.  Naruto was my wife.  I was her husband and we... We should...  I should...

I should _what_?  I had no idea of how to be this word.  I had never even become involved with another, never dated, never attempted connections beyond politics and my small family and Naruto.  I had no time to prepare, to research, to write out the possibilities, to work out the things I should do, what might be expected of me, how to be this husband person to Naruto.  One she could be happy for.  One she wouldn't regret.  I seen the frown begin to etch onto her lips and realized my silence might give the wrong impression.  My hand twitched in hers.  "If I did not desire it, they would not have forced it, even with the circumstances." My voice was gravelly, but I hoped my meaning came through clearly.  I wanted to marry her.  She was mine.  I made her _mine_.  "You are... Happy for it?" I chose the words carefully from what she had mentioned before.

Her eyes widened to my statement, only for a moment, then she smiled.  "Yeah.  Am I weird for it?"

"No." I moved my other hand to cover hers.  Talking.

"Hey, you mind getting us something to eat? I'm starved."  Her eyes began to droop a little.

"I can get us something to eat, yes." I watched as her eyes closed further.

"Great.  That's just... Great... Gaara, I'm so..." She trailed off, her eyes finished closing and her breathing steadied.  Asleep.  Again.

We were talking.  After all this time, we were finally talking.

And in less than two months now, I knew I could lose it.  Lose her.  Lose the baby.

The thought tore at my heart.  A pain deeper than anything, one I had experienced briefly in the vision Kimiko had given me.

It was something I desperately didn't want to think about.

Something I needed to prevent.


	7. Worry

** Naruto **

If it weren't for the soft warmth in my hand, the changing pressure and the slight movement which indicated fingers, I would think the man holding my hand was either a figment of my imagination or a dream.  My eyes were closed, but I knew who was there.  Gaara.  My husband.  It still seemed so weird, surreal.  Wrong, in a way considering the fact only a couple months ago I was a man, a husband with a wife of my own.  Me, a wife.  So fucking weird.  I nearly laughed at the thought.  Me, the number one hyperactive ninja, now the first lady of Suna.  I did snicker at this.

"Naruto?" His voice was soft, for him.  There was a light shiver his voice sent down my spine, the deep gravelly sound was increasingly unnerving to me.

I kept my eyes closed for a moment, letting myself daydream.  Pretending I wasn't sick, pretending nothing was wrong.  I didn't want to see his worry, or his overly black face.  The blank look he gave was just as revealing to me, I knew he was hiding it, his worry.  I wanted to reassure him, but I knew I couldn't.  I wasn't ready to face him, not with this.  Not the possibility of him being a widower, being a single father.  I couldn't think about the possibility of losing her.  Not my precious baby girl, I couldn't...

I opened my eyes and smiled at him.  Damn, he was beautiful though.  Even with that damned blank expression, his skin was like porcelain, pure, pale.  His bright hazel, pupil-less eyes made brighter by the rings around them.  I studied this face, this beautiful face.  Even if it were for a short time, this face belonged to the one person I wanted to spend my days with.  All of them, no matter how many more there were left for me.  My heart clenched, and I heard the change in the monitor.  I sighed, annoyed by the machine, the way I couldn't hide my own damn heart rate.  "Hey."  For once I didn't know what to say.  I licked my lips as I continued to stare at him.

He remained silent, his gaze unchanging, blank.  Porcelain.  Perfect.  Why did he have to be so damned perfect?  After a long silence, he broke our gaze and his eyes moved down my body and settled on... The baby?  Maybe?  I wasn't sure, but I swear I caught him feeling for her a few days ago.  If he had, he hadn't  made another attempt since.  Since our initial talk, with him letting me know he knew about my wish and him learning I knew we were married he had barely said a word.  It wasn't needed, and I'm sure he was at just as much a loss as I was.

Wife.  Like I really knew anything about being a damn wife.  Hell, I was never even a descent husband, but Hinata always freaked me out a little.  I never had a close example of how to be.  What was I supposed to do?  Hinata was quiet, attentive and left me alone while she took care of our children.  Caring, perfect, allowed me my absence without question.

I was terrible to her in return.

I wanted to be better for _him_ , and I doubted I could be as great a wife as Hinata had been.  I wasn't sure I could leave him be, let him stay away, let him... Wallow I guess.

Then I might not even have much longer to be clingy.  Why did I feel so clingy?  Would the desire last?

Would I freak out again once I had the baby and had him to myself?  Would I...

"Naruto."  He spoke my name again.

I smiled again and hummed at him, hoping my worry wasn't apparent.

"We need to name you."

Huh? "What do you mean?"  I had a name, why would he want to do that?

His hand slipped out of mine and he frowned.  "I cannot present you to the people of Suna as Naruto, they would easily figure out who you are, even without the Uzumaki attached."

My eyes widened.  I hadn't thought of that.  I... I wasn't an Uzumaki anymore.  Naruto Uzumaki.  Me.  My _name_.  Now, not only did I have to drop the Uzumaki, I would have to drop my first name as well?  _Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep._   That gods be damned heart monitor decided to betray me again.

"You didn't think of this." His voice was low, too low.

Damn it.  "No."  It was pointless to lie to him.  Not with this stupid lie detector connected to me.

He looked away from me.  "Here, with me, you shall always be Naruto."  He paused.  "You can pick it, your name, if you want."

Pick my own name?  Simple, _Naruto_.  It's my name, will always be my name.  I sighed.  I wanted to argue.  It probably didn't even matter.  I might be his wife, but would the people of Suna ever even see me?  Would I be anything more than 'the dead wife and mother of the Kazekage's daughter'?  I felt sick.  I couldn't stop thinking about it, the possibility.  I didn't want... I couldn't...  Hell, it didn't matter.  My name.  What they called me, I didn't really fucking care.  I felt numb.  Hope.  I wanted it, I did, but... This, all this was more than I had bargained for.  I was worse off than I thought I would ever be.  If I didn't make some miracle recovery in the next month or so then- "What is my last name now anyway?" Don't think.  Don't think.  _Don't think_.

"Last name?"

"I'm not Uzumaki, you said it yourself."

A moment of silence, a slight tilt of his head.  "You are part of the Kazekage family.  People here do not hold honorifics unless they have a specific professional achievement.  My prowess with sand earned me the title early in life.  I think I was seven when I received it." His monotonous tone made the seriousness more profound.  I was... A nothing.  I would have no identity here beyond 'Kazekage's wife' then? 

I sighed.  "I get it.  No family or clan name for me then."

"I apologize for this, Naruto."  He took a breath.  "I think my family removed their family name when they laid claim to the title here.  This was generations ago, there is no record of what the name may have been."

I stared at him a moment.  There was something hidden in this statement.  "You've looked?"

His shoulders barely moved in a shrug, no words in answer.  His eyes moved away from me, towards the door.  He was thinking about leaving again.  He had been doing it more and more often.  "I once wondered why we were only known as the family of the Kazekage while the rest of our ninja and people had family groups.  There are some groups simply known as 'of Suna' but many have family groups, though some change it upon the entrance of status.  I held tightly onto my honorific as something to set myself apart from my siblings and my father, but now I find the Kazekage title to be fitting for me."

I had nothing to say to this, his sudden confession had taken me by surprise.  Kazekage.  His title.  He wanted to share it with me, as his wife.  Wife, _me_.  So fucking weird.  If I managed to live through all this shit, I had no idea if I would ever quite get used to it.  "Hey, how about you pick it.  My name.  Make it seem local or something." I surprised myself with the words, the casualness of it.  Was I really going to give up even this aspect of control in my life?

 _Yes_.  Why not?  Hadn't I taken his freedom of choice from him as well?  It was the least I could freaking do.  Besides, I was curious.  What would he think was pretty?  What would he think a worthy name would be for the wife of the Kazekage?  It was perhaps this one thought which made me say it.  The thought was fleeting, but prominent.

His eyes slid back towards me.  "Name my own wife?" His voice lightened and his face lit, just a little.  But it lightened, I _seen_ it.  A tiny, pure smile graced his pale lips.  "Perhaps I shall."  He looked back to the door.  He still wanted to leave.

"You got something to do or something Gaara?  Kinda obvious you want to leave, tsch." I narrowed my eyes at him.

His body stiffened, but he didn't look back to me.  "I did not mean to be so obvious."

I frowned at him, though he couldn't see my disappointment.  "Then go." I didn't mean for it to sound as harsh as it came out.

He flinched at my voice, but didn't respond to me.  He simply stood and left the room.  Silently.  Without looking at me.  The only thing left was the resounding sound of the door clicking shut.  Great.  Piss off the guy who only came down because my idiot clone showed up.

Speaking of idiot clones, where the hell was he anyway?  If he wasn't here, and he wasn't with Gaara, where had he fucking gone?  I groaned.  I seriously hoped he was over whatever the hell had gotten into him in Konoha.  Suna was larger, there were more people to cause complete chaos if he decided to go all out.  Yet...

I think he was smart enough not to piss off Gaara.  Which made me wonder what he might be up to.  I sighed.  Great.  Not only did I have to worry about what the lech was doing, but what Gaara was running away from. Or to.  What the hell.  Couldn't he just tell me what was on his mind?  Didn't we get past all this shit of him running away from me?

Sure Naruto, you're one to freaking talk, you hid from the guy for five months while you were freaking out about turning into a damn girl and getting pregnant with his baby.  So what if he wanted to hide for a little bit?  Who cared?  Stop being a damn hypocrite.

Except.

I was running out of time.

Running out of time to be with him.  To experience him, to have him, to- My vision blurred.  " _Shit_." My mind was going there again.

Death.  I could die.  In less than two months, I could be dead and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  To make it better.  To prepare _him_.  Why?  Why couldn't this just be easy?  Why couldn't I have this?  Him, the baby, the chance at making him the family he so deserved to have? 

More importantly, why couldn't _he_ have this?  Why did he always lose out, why him?  Why always the fuck _him_?  He had to know.  The possibility of me dying.  He had to know.  I needed to have this.  Moments.  I wanted these moments.  Not just for me, but for him.  What if I died before we ever even kissed?  I knew him well enough he wouldn't just go and get remarried.  I was probably it for him.  His one chance at experiencing something like a relationship.  I wanted him to experience everything he could.  Less than two months to fit in as much as my body could allow.  I could fix him dinner if I could just get my body healed enough to move.  I could kiss him, I could lay with him, just to hold him.  Tell him I love him.  Tell him-

My thoughts were taken over by a pain which ebbed up through my chest, to my throat and ended in a deep sob.  Damn it.  None of this was fair.

Why....

Why couldn't I....

I pulled my hands to my face and buried it, allowing the pain I felt to come in tears.  He wasn't here to see it. 

I wouldn't let him see it.

Not this.

 _Never this_.

*                 *                 *

I felt numb.  Temari came and left.  Kankuro came and left.  Some girl, who I assumed was my nurse considering she felt around on my stomach while she was in the room came and left.  I either slept, or stared at the swirl on the ceiling.  I wasn't in the mood.  I didn't want to talk.  Not to anyone.  I couldn't get the pain to go away, I didn't know how to make it stop.  It wasn't a physical pain, but one deep inside my chest.  The one which was a constant reminder I was going to lose everything.  That Gaara was going to lose everything. 

I was going to die.  I could feel it.  Hopeless.  Everything was pointless.  I existed only to house this tiny being growing inside me.  I would leave to make room for her in this world.  While it scared the hell out of me, I didn't _want_ to die, hell I really didn't want to, but she deserved it.  This little thing.  This little girl.  Gaara's baby, his daughter, _our_ daughter deserved life.  If it meant mine had be given in order for her to live, then it must be the price I paid.

I didn't however, have to be happy about it.  So I stayed there.  Staring at the spiral.  Listening to the soothing beeps of my heart, reminding me I was not yet dead.  Sleeping when I did neither of these things.  If Gaara had come in I didn't know it.  I didn't feel the heat of his hand.  I didn't hear his voice.  He was not there.  I was alone.  Again, I was alone.

Numb.

Couldn't I have just a little time?  A little time to pretend to be normal?  Could we not lay in the same bed?  Could he not hold me, could I not comfort him, could we not be excited for our daughter, could we not shop for her, to hold hands, to decorate her room, to fuss over names, to kiss... To kiss?  To feel his lips on mine.  His beautiful, perfect pale lips.  Were they as soft as I imagined, or would they be rough like his sand?  Would he be gentle, or rough?  Both?  I wanted him to kiss me.  I deserved to be kissed by him before I die.

I was going to die.  This was the form my thoughts circled.  Desire, depression, hope, hopeless.  How long had it been since he left me?  Why had he left?  I don't think it was malicious.  I don't think he meant to be gone as long as he had.  But, why had he left?  Did he need more time to process me, the baby?

I wanted to know.  I couldn't ask.  I couldn't bring myself to even talk to Temari when she was in here and I had a descent relationship with her.  At least, I think we have a descent relationship.  I sighed.  I shouldn't do what I was thinking of doing.

I really shouldn't...

But...

I sighed and brought my hand up to my chest.  I was going to die anyway, so what the hell?  I concentrated my chakra in my hand.  Cross my fingers, just like.. and then... _Pompf._   My vision blurred, I barely made out the sight of myself before my vision went.

*                 *                 *

I woke with a gasp, a flood of memory shooting through my mind. 

I stood next to my own bed and nearly fell over from the exhaustion.  "Damn.  Even like this I'm still so damn weak.  Sure, this will be so damned easy Naruto.  Let's fucking make a clone to go spy on our husband, _easy_.  Tsch.  Whatever."  I groaned, took a deep breath and forced myself on my feet.  Weak.  Even as a clone, I was _weak_.  Great.  This was going to be so damned easy.  He was going to see me from a damned mile like this.  Hell with it.  I already was here, might as well go for it.  I pushed myself away from the bed and stumbled to the door.  My legs could barely hold my own weight and the annoyance from not being able to stand without the help of a wall or door handle was starting to get to me.  I took a deep breath and turned the handle I was using for balance and fell through the door the moment it opened.  I landed on the ground with a light thud and groaned.  Graceful. 

"I do hope you realize Father is going to kill you when he sees you." A slightly dark, monotonous voice sounded from above me and I stiffened.  Wrong monotonous voice.  Related, however. 

I looked up to the boy standing above me and gave my best smile.  "Hey!  How you doin' Shinki?"

He stared at me, a frown on his face.  He wasn't wearing his usual face makeup and to be honest I don't think I had seen him without it since he'd been a tiny shit.  "You aren't even a real person, so I refuse to answer your question."

My smile fell.  Wonderful, kid was going to be a smart-ass.  "Will ya help me up anyway?"

"He is just going to kill you." He folded his arms.

"At least I will know where he is when I die then.  Just help me up."  I raised up my arm and wiggled my fingers.

He sighed.  "Whatever, I don't even care."  He leaned down and I was hoisted easily to my feet.

"Woah, man you've gotten strong." I worked at balancing myself and half fell on him.

"You've gotten light." He grabbed me by the shoulders and pried me away from him.  "Grab the railing.  Father is downstairs, I'm not going to be part of this." He let me go, held up his hand and disappeared into his room.

Smooth, Naruto.  _Maybe you should think next time_.  This kid is Gaara's son.  His son, and I'm married to Gaara, so therefore he's my son now?  I sighed.  Great.  I looked down at my body and realized I made myself as I was now, to a degree.  I was in a hospital gown, and while I didn't have my baby bump in this form, I still was pretty damn girly.  I've gotten light huh?  Just how much of my mass had I lost anyway?  I looked over to the staircase to my left.  Downstairs.  I groaned.  Why did Gaara have to live in a fucking tower anyway?  "Thanks, kid." I said it to the air, in case he somehow heard me, and took a deep breath.  Down the dang stairs then.  I leaned on the railing and moved towards it.  The benefit though of being in this sort of building, every hall was equipped with a full railing.  Yay for me, I had something to hold onto to keep myself from killing myself before I found my prey. 

Yes, this is what I was brought to be.  A hunter.  My husband was my prey, and I would stalk and find my prey even if it meant my sure death.  I wondered how it would come, the thoughts of the many ways of sandy death etched into my mind as my legs tried to buckle beneath me with every descent of stair.  Concentrate.  Move.  Don't fall.  Keep moving.  I had to know what happened to Gaara.  Was he just working, or was he avoiding me again?  How long had it even been?  I hadn't even seen Temari in a while.  What was going on?  What was he up to?  I just needed...

I needed him.  I wanted to see him.  Even if it were through me, my memory would end back up in me, and I would remember.  I would know.  It was worth the phantom pain of death, worth getting him angry just to _know_.  Concentrate.  Move.  Don't fall.  Another hallway.  The next floor would be the hardest.  I would have to go around the entire room in order to hold onto the counter top, or I would have to chance making a run towards the table.

Stairs.  More damn stairs.  Seriously, why did he have to live here?  I sighed and made my way down, trying to keep my mind occupied so I could keep my concentration on my feet.  It really wouldn't be all that great to fall down and pop before I reached Gaara.  Step, stair, step.  What would I say to him once I found him?  Pretend to be an angry housewife and put my hands on my hips, scold him for being away for so long?  What a sight that would be.  I snickered.  Just for the fun of it, I just might.

Kitchen.  Damn, this thing was huge.  I scanned the room, annoyed the fridge was the closest thing to the door, and noticed part of the counter was missing.  Missing?  What the hell happened there?  I groaned.  This removed the counter as being my brace.  I stared at the table halfway across the room.  I could do this.  I could make it.  I could... I lunged forwards, letting go of the railing.  My legs threatened to give out, but I managed to keep them moving.  How, I wasn't sure.  Just a bit further... I half landed on the table.  "Made it!"  I half laughed at the accomplishment and realized how sad my life had become.  Simply making it to a table had become a victory.  Oh well, small steps I guess.

I stared at the staircase beyond the table.  Halfway across the room.  This one would be trickier.  I could make it and not kill myself in the process, couldn't I?  It was just... A few feet... I could... I took a deep breath and pushed myself forward.  I half tripped on my feet, but managed to grab hold of the railing.  I did it!  I made it to the stairs.  With a soft sigh I moved my leg to the first stair, but underestimated the amount of time I needed to rest before moving.  My leg gave out from beneath me and I found myself falling.  " _Shit_."  Either I would be in for a world of pain, or would simply pop before I reached the bottom.  Everything spun, pain erupted through my shoulders, my back, my legs and arms as I covered my head, hoping to make it down the stairs in one piece.  Soon, there was a deep, jarring pain which shot up through my spine and I realized I had made it to the bottom.  I groaned and opened my eyes.  I gasped when I did.  "Sensei?" No way.  No freaking way.  Kakashi was here?  Why didn't anyone say he was here?  And Gaara he-

" _Clone_." Gaara bit the word out and I barely had time to react as sand pierced through my chest, and everything darkened.

My back arched as a sharp pain shot from my chest then through my back, and faded as the memory of being killed ended the vision.  I groaned at the residual pain from being killed and falling down the stairs.  So, _Kakashi_ was here?  Why would he be here? 

I didn't have time to think about it as the door slammed open and I found myself face to face with a very angry looking Gaara.  Sand spun around his feet and his expression for once reflected his emotion.  _Shit_.  I pissed him off.  I seriously pissed him off.  "Hey, Gaara, let's talk about this." I couldn't keep the fear out of my voice.  What did I think he was going to do?  He wouldn't kill me, would he?  I'm his wife, I'm still pregnant, he wouldn't do that, would he?

He growled at me.  "A _clone_ , Naruto?  Are you _trying_ to kill yourself?"  The sand crept up his legs and flowed agitating around him.

I swallowed.  Shit.  Shit, shit, _shit_.  "You were gone."  Reason.  I had a reason.

"A week, only a _week_.  After the Hokage left, I would have been back." His voice began to raise, his anger flowing into his tone.

Seriously?  He had been gone a freaking week?  A month and a half now?  Was this all I had left with him?  "How was I supposed to know that?" My voice raised to meet his.  "You never mentioned it, you just fucking left me!"

"I have work I need to do, I am the _Kazekage_ , I can't just sit in here catering to you."  The sand started to whip around him furiously, up to his chest now.

"You could have at least _mentioned_ it, you fucking bastard!"

"It did not concern you."

"I am your damn _wife_ , how does it not concern me?"  I gave an exasperated groan, all my worries flooding my mind.  Month and a half.  Six weeks.  Death.  Baby.  Losing time.  "Why can't you at least start acting like it?  We should have some time together, we should pick out names, do couple stuff, you could at least _kiss me_ before I fucking die in a few damn weeks!"  I regretted the words the moment they left my mouth.  I widened my eyes, not meaning to express my thoughts on my own demise.

The sand snapped forward and there was a loud boom just behind my head as it smashed the wall behind me.  Sand was everywhere and I felt my body pulled forward and I realized he was there, holding onto my hospital gown.  I could see the muscle in his jaw jump, his eyes narrow.  "You.  Are.  _Not_.  Going.  To.  Die." He bit the words out, his grip tightening on me towards the end.

I whimpered and pushed against him, but before I could connect I fell back to the bed and I was thankful for all the pillows Temari had piled onto it.  With a grand swirl of sand he was gone.

Well, this went well.

I groaned.  " _Shit_."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, another breakdown of communication, but it's the one thing neither of them wanted to fully confront and Naruto forced the issue out into the open.  I will try to get the next chapter out tomorrow since I have the day off (Yay, time off!) Though I work all day today, so I am going to be half dead when I get home hehe.
> 
> As always, reviews/comments always serve to inspire, I do appreciate all of you <3


	8. Breakdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is out a day later than I expected it to due to an unfortunate power outage.  (yay, windstorms...)  Anyway I won't take up too much with this not so I hope you like the chapter, decided to take it a little further than I initially intended to.
> 
> As always, reviews/comments serve to inspire.

 

 

** Gaara **

I refused to move my hand from hers, the warmth of her skin became a constant comfort, a reminder she was here, with me, alive.  Very much alive.  I was going to keep her this way.  She slept more than she was awake, and with the increasing visits from members of the council, I knew I would have to attend to my job soon before they became too irritated with me for keeping vigil on my sickly wife.  Before long, the door opened behind me and Kankuro handed me a document.  I decided it was better not to look at him, lest I be reminded of what he had been doing the other day.  My stomach twisted.  It was better not to think of it. 

"From Konoha.  You have a day, Gaara." He sighed.  "I get it, I do get it, but you can't spend the next month locked in here.  You've been gone for over a week, you need to attend to-"

"I know, Kankuro."  I stopped him from continuing.  A letter from Konoha.  I took the paper from him and glanced through it, then removed my hand from Naruto's to get a better look at the paper Kankuro had given me.  "The Hokage is coming to Suna."

"Yeah, I know."

"He is already on his way."

"He's already here, Gaara."

I frowned at him.  "Why was I not made aware of this sooner?  This letter is requesting Temari return back with the Hokage, I am not done with her yet."

"Maybe you should take this up with the Hokage, _not_ me.  Also, don't go complaining at me when you won't even look at me."

I sighed and ignored the second part of his statement.  "Yes, I should."  I handed him back the letter.  "Once I feel I am able, I will join the Hokage.  Within the day?  I have much to discuss with him, but I do not want to explain it to Naruto."

"Have you asked her about the naming ceremony yet?"

I remained silent, allowing it to be my answer.  Naming ceremony.  I wasn't ready to discuss it with her yet.  Maybe not ever, no matter how pressing the matter was, and it was- indeed- a very pressing matter.  I couldn't very well present her as Naruto, it would be way too obvious.  While some of my people I would describe as daft, I highly doubted they were quite to the point of seeing a blonde haired hyperactive woman named Naruto and not be able to put the equation together.  Blonde.  Naruto.  Hyper. Able to get away with almost anything in front of crazy ruler of Suna.  Sort of obvious.  Change her name, hide her facial marks and maybe dye her hair, I might be able to keep my secret and they would chalk it up to 'she must remind him of Naruto'.  It was plausible.  Possible.

A hurdle to pass.  One which would only be significant once she made it past childbirth, but her name would be plastered all over the child's records once it was born.  Maybe I could have her name changed without her knowing?

"You're going to have to get over yourself.  You and I both know there is a ton of shit that needs to be done around here before you know what happens."

I raised my brow at him.  "The child."

"Yeah, that."  He averted his eyes from me.

"This is why I need Temari here, you are useless to me."

He groaned.  "I can't help it, everything has gotten to be so damned wrong around here.  Like, where did that damned clone go after-"

"No." I narrowed my eyes at him.  After I discovered what precisely that damned nuisance had been up to while I was torturing it, with my own eyes, I really hadn't wanted to discuss the creature.  I shuddered at the memory.  No.  Simply, purely, no.

"How is it my fault the shit wore off?"

"We are not discussing this."

"Damn it Gaara, you haven't barely talked to me beyond business since-"

"We are _not_ going to be discussing this."  I set my jaw and sent him my coldest glare.  He still had a visible wound from when I found them, and to be honest I didn't care where the thing ran off to afterwards as long as it was _away_.

He groaned.  "You might have seen it, but I have to live with the memory of actually fucking-"

"Do not even attempt to finish that sentence." I lowered my voice dangerously, threading the threat of death into my tone.  He should be thankful I hadn't killed him for it.  Yet.  Might if he keeps reminding me about it.  As it was, I couldn't get the image of the thing arched up underneath him and moaning like a banshee out of my mind.

"Damn it Gaara, he fucking looks like you!  You really think I would knowingly-"

"This does not help."

"And Naruto's a woman now."

I stiffened.  "Does this matter?  Clone, Kankuro, is a copy.  Naruto's body, Naruto.  No matter what it looks like."  I glared at him, my anger beginning to resurface.  I had gone once while Naruto slept after we had talked and heard a strange sound from his room and-  I shuddered.  Kankuro.  That thing.  A tangle of skin, and limbs and noises and-  _Mine_.  Naruto was purely, simply mine.  I didn't like the fact he knew intricately what my Naruto felt like on the inside, no matter the body type.

"We need to talk about this."

"We do not." I turned from him.

He sighed.  "I'm sorry, alright?  He changed his appearance, and damn Gaara, he was so-"

" _Tell the Hokage I will see him later_."  I felt the sand agitate at my feet.  Too much more of this, I would not hold myself accountable for what I would do.

"Fine.  But we aren't done." The door slammed shut behind him and I flinched, hoping it wouldn't wake her.  I slipped my hand back into hers.  So much needed to be done.  So much I had to prepare for.  The mountain of work between Suna and the things I needed to do for my wife was becoming nearly overwhelming.  The naming ceremony.  Getting as many nurses, doctors and midwives as possible for the delivery of our child to help ensure both would have a descent shot at living afterwards.  The best.  The most trustworthy.  It meant deals and exchanges and promises and favors to the others I did not want to make such bargains for.

Suna might not like me for it.  Frankly, I didn't care.  Naruto came first, would always come first and it was better for everyone in this place if she lived.

Konoha had become an important ally over the years and now more than ever I needed this alliance.  Not only did they have some of the best medical ninja, but their plant life was vital to my plans.  I needed to have this meeting with the Hokage, and it must be done soon.  But, the last time I had left this room...  I groaned.  No.  I did not want to picture _that_ in my head. 

 _Ever_.

I swallowed down the anger I felt towards Kankuro and that _thing_ for daring touch each other, let alone fornicate.  So he did do such things with men.  It was possible.  It didn't matter, and they didn't need to prove to me it was a possibility in Naruto's old body and the fact Naruto could have enjoyed such things. 

Thankfully, as if to remind me I needed better things to think about I heard a small, muffled laugh come from my supposedly unconscious wife.  "Naruto?" I kept my voice low.  Perhaps she would talk to me this time.  I carefully trained my face from emotion.  She didn't need to see my frustration, my anger and worry.  All the emotions I felt, I wasn't ready to fully deal with.  I would deal with it all once everything was done and she was alive and I could hold the tiny thing growing inside of her.  My fingers twitched at this particular thought, me, holding the child she had created for me, from me, from her.  Ours. 

She opened her eyes and smiled at me.  Forced.  Mostly forced, soon it widened as I watched her eyes dance around my face.  Her features fell, only for the briefest of moments and the heart monitor changed rhythm before she regained her smile.  What was she thinking about to cause such a change?  She sighed  "Hey."

I felt my stomach twist as her tongue darted out from her lips to wet them.  She didn't want to talk.  I didn't know what to say.  There was plenty to say, I just hadn't gained the nerve to say any of it yet.  I let my eyes wander down her body to where the little one grew.  Plenty to say.  Things such as: Do you know what the baby will be?  Have you thought of names?  What color should it's room be, and no not orange.  I need to change your name, do you want to have any specific one?  Don't worry, I will not let you die.

I will _never_ let you die.  I looked back up to her face and noticed her smile had gone and a slight crease in her brow had formed.  "Naruto."

The fake smile returned and she hummed softly.

 _You look worried_.  My heart raced.  I didn't want to talk about what she might be worried about.  Something else.   _Anything_ else.  "We need to name you." I didn't want to talk about this either, I inwardly damned my own tongue for the slip.

"What do you mean?"  The fake smile slipped away and my speeding heart fell.

I removed my hand from hers.  Too late.  I needed to go through with it.  I let my lips show my disquiet and I quickly explained the name situation to her.  I watched, my heart increasingly heavy as her eyes widened, a look of sheer panic crossing her face.  The monitor sped up to mimic the look on her face.

"You didn't think of this." The weight of the words fell on my own chest.  I didn't want to talk about this.  Hadn't I taken too much from her already?  She seemed fine with the marriage, but her name?  I don't even think she thought about the loss of her surname.  Why would she?  Before me, she was the husband, the name giver, not the wife, the name taker.  I didn't even have this to give her.  Not really.

"No." Her voice squeaked out the word.

I couldn't face her anymore.  Not with this.  I wanted to make it better.  For her situation to end, for her to get healthy, get back to herself.  Yet, here I was, stripping yet another identifier away from her.  "Here with me, you shall always be Naruto."  Make it better, give her options.  "You can pick it, your name, if you want."

I didn't think she would respond when all I heard was silence.  Then, "What is my last name now anyway?"

I looked back at her, surprised by the question.  "Last name?"

"I'm not Uzumaki, you said it yourself."

How would I explain this to her?  I thought I had, at some point prior, but maybe I hadn't?  I rattled off the basic complexity Suna honorifics without thought, the lack of surnames and how my family had none at all.

She sighed.  "I get it.  No family or clan name for me then."

The words hit me like knives.  I couldn't even give her this small thing.  "I apologize for this, Naruto."  I took a deep breath.  I remembered spending many nights going through the libraries of Suna and every official building hunting for dockets explaining a family history beyond the common knowledge.  Yet, beyond the first Kazekage, there was nothing.  Our family just appeared, nameless, powerful.  "I think my family removed their family name when they laid claim to the title here.  This was generations ago, there is no record of what the name may have been."

"You've looked?"

I gave her a slight shrug, not wanting to admit to how many hours I had spent digging for answers about my own lineage.  I looked towards the door.  I was beginning to feel antsy.  I needed to leave, prepare for the birth of our child, prepare for the naming ceremony, speak with Kakashi.  Perhaps he would lend me Sakura for the birth?  Maybe I should explain myself some.  Keep her occupied.  "I once wondered why we were only known as the family of the Kazekage while the rest of our ninja and people had family groups.  There are some groups simply known as 'of Suna' but many have family groups, though some change it upon the entrance of status.  I held tightly onto my honorific as something to set myself apart from my siblings and my father, but now I find the Kazekage title to be fitting for me."  Too much talking.  I needed to leave.  I needed to speak to the Hokage.  I needed to-

"Hey, how about you pick it.  My name.  Make it seem local or something."

I felt my own heart speed up.  Had I heard her correctly?  Pick her name?  Me?  What good would I be at such a thing?  I looked to her as I contemplated the idea.  "Name my own wife?" I wanted to say it aloud.  To her.  Wife.  You, Naruto, are my wife.  My lips twitched upward as I thought it.  Name Naruto?  "Perhaps I shall." I felt the incessant heat begin once more in my abdomen and I forced my eyes back on the door before my thoughts wandered in a direction I preferred them not to.

"You got something to do or something Gaara? Kinda obvious you want to leave, tsch."

I felt my muscled contract against the annoyed tone in her voice.  Caught.  Yet, I didn't want to tell her Kakashi was here.  Why he was here.  What we would discuss.  What things I needed to prepare for.  For her.  The baby.  The naming ceremony.  "I did not mean to be so obvious."

"Then go." Her voice sounded dull.

I flinched at the tone and I realized how callous my words may have seemed to her.  I wanted to turn around.  Comfort her.  Reassure her I meant nothing by needing to do my job.  Tell her everything was fine.  Tell her I would not leave.  If I turned around, if I looked at her face which I knew must hold a tinge of disappointment, I knew I would do just this.  Stay.  Ignore my duties.  Keep her company, hold her hand, never let go.  But...

If I did not leave, I couldn't ensure she had the best care.  The best chance.  So I stood.  This small amount of time would be worth it if I were successful in making her live.  This knowledge propelled me forward, towards the door.  I knew this wouldn't be some small excursion for food or necessity.  I wouldn't return within minutes before she noticed.  I would be gone a while, and if I looked back, if I stopped moving, I would lose my resolve.

This was for her.  My Naruto.  My wife.  To make sure she would live.  I needed her to live.

 _She needed to live_.  I needed...  Without thought I closed the door behind me.  If she were to live, I had to attend to these matters.  Keep my position.  Petition for extra help.  For her, I needed to...  I walked forwards and away from the air my lungs desperately needed in order to breathe.  My legs faltered and my sand rushed up to catch me in a soft cradle.  I clawed at it with my nails, I had to keep moving.  I had to finish this task.  I had to keep her alive.

I must keep her alive.  For me, for Suna.  Without her, there would be no air.  There would be no blood in my veins, there would be no light, no happiness.  She would live.  She had to.  I was running out of time to ensure it, and I needed her to rest.  Please, _rest_.  By willpower alone I was dragged back up to my feet by the soft tendrils of sand which surrounded me.

Move forward.

Keep moving.

Keep Naruto alive.

*                 *                 *

"I can't help but think you seem distracted."  I cringed at the man's annoyingly jovial voice, slightly muffled by the cloth over his mouth.

"You haven't put down your book in four days." Retort.  Joke?  Might be, at the moment I didn't necessarily care.

"I could if I wanted to though.  It is at such a wonderful part here, I just can't seem to bring myself to stop reading it." He waved the little thing and pointed at it.

I raised my brow at him.  How childish.  This person was Naruto's mentor?  No wonder she was so... Naruto.  "I believe you've been on the same page since yesterday." I lowered my voice, hoping he took the hint I was not amused by his distraction.  His distraction was far less detrimental than my own.  A week.  He had been here for a week, and I hadn't had enough time to do anything beyond a small talk with Temari, demanding she spend at least one day with me before she was dragged back to her husbands annoying village.

The equally annoying man in front of me merely hummed.  Then, with a quick flip of his thumb, he arrived at a new page.  "I've been memorizing it, but since you're sensitive about it, maybe I will read something new."  His eyes floated down to the page.

I couldn't.  I just couldn't take this anymore.  I'd been ignored for far too long, and anything he talked about was entirely pointless and didn't do anything towards laws, or treaties, or trade agreements or most importantly Naruto.  I stood up and slammed my hand on the table. "Will you put it down?  You still haven't agreed or disagreed on allowing use of some of your high medical ninja in a month when-"  My voice broke at the word, unable to communicate what was intended to be there.  When Naruto might die.  I couldn't say it.  I refused to allow it to happen.  I didn't know what I could do to prevent it.  Helpless.

He sat still, never even flinched at my outburst.  "Ah, there it is.  The distraction."  He folded the top corner of the page, then deposited it upon the table in front of him.  The way his eyes wrinkled in the corners indicated he was hiding a smile beneath his mask.  "How is my former student, anyway?"

I leaned in further, hoping my glare somehow could inflict a physical wound.  If I attacked this man with sand, I would not have any chance at getting his medics and it would defeat the purpose of spending an entire damned week away from my precious wife.

The wrinkles at the corners of his eyes smoothed and he took on a more serious air.  "Sit down, before you do something you regret, Lord Kazekage."

I forced myself to do exactly this.  My nerves felt as though though they would jump directly out of my skin.  "It has been a week, Lord Hokage."

"I am aware."  He pulled the sleeve up to his and revealed the mark which allowed the communication between those who shared it about Naruto's condition.

I sighed.  I had been avoiding any direct correlation to Naruto, merely sidestepping the reasons I needed to have his help.  I relaxed back into my chair.  So this was why he had been stalling.  "You could have mentioned this sooner."

"It was the first time you nearly slipped.  So I tested to see if I could even slightly mention him, and I was able.  No pain, no sudden memory loss, which means you also have the mark.  The medical nin, they are for him, aren't they?"

I gave a small nod.  "Yes, they are for _her_."  I needed to correct him.  Naruto was a woman.  My wife.  My her.

He sighed.  "Her,then.  I am not sure this is a change I'm going to get used to."

I felt a twist in my chest.  "She's dying, Kakashi.  I need your help to keep it from happening.  I cannot bear for history to repeat itself, not with her."  I said it.  The unbearable word, the one I avoided at all cost.

"I will send Sakura and her apprentice here, two weeks before she is due, Gaara.  Naruto is important to me as well.  He..." He cleared his throat.  "She deserves to be happy, and if it's here with you, then she has my full support."

I gave a small sigh of relief.  "Thank you."  Finally, what I needed from this meeting.  I leaned forward, the matter I had been waiting to discuss back on my mind in a rush.  Naming Ceremony.  Temari.  "Tomorrow I plan on having Naruto's Naming Ceremony.  I would like it if you could be present.  I will also need the morning with Temari, there are some... personal affairs I must get in order before she returns to Konoha."

He gave me a nod and I gave him a small smile.  "This matter is settled on, then.  Now these distractions have been covered, we should move on.  The trade agreement from article 7-426b has some small issues I would like to amend."

We quickly went through the matters both of us were supposed to discuss during the meeting.  Small amendments to existing agreements, new agreements and finally a new one which gave a small, direct trade of stone quarry in exchange for the transfer of plants to Suna.  It was at the end of this meeting I heard an odd sound coming from my kitchen, a small banging sound, then a grunt.  Our conversation ended with both of us looking towards the stairs when after another small grunt there was an audible 'shit', then the sound of a person tumbling down the stairs.  Soon, this person became visible and all I seen was a blur of hospital gown and blonde hair. 

My heart immediately jumped into my throat.  Naruto.  Had she come looking for me?  Soon, she heaped onto the floor at the end of the stairs with a groan.  She opened her eyes and looked directly at us.  "Sensei?"

Not Naruto.  My concern ebbed away into anger.  Clone.  She had made a clone.  When it could kill her, hurt the baby, drain away what energy she had left and she- I stood.  " _Clone_." I barely could say the word, informing the man next to me so he wouldn't stop me from killing this fake.  I despised them, these clones of hers. She hadn't made one since she regained her memory, so why would she now?  I flipped out my hand and sent a thin tendril of sand towards it, thin, hard, sharp.  I pierced it's chest quickly, running the thin sand blade through her entire body.  Kill it, go to her.  The room filled with the sound of a dispelled clone and I looked over my shoulder.  "Excuse me." I didn't wait for his answer and half jumped up the stairs.

Was she trying to die?  Didn't she realize she needed every ounce of chakra she had in her body in order to make it through the birth of our child?  Didn't she want to stay with me?  Watch it grow?  What if the child died in the process of her doing this?  What could she be thinking?  I finally reached her door.  I shoved it open, not caring how loud the sound it made when it hit the wall.  The moment I seen here there, laying in the bed looking so damned innocent, I felt my anger boil over into my sand.  It agitated at my feet.  She _wasn't_ thinking.  She needed to think.  I would not lose her due to some idiotic thoughtless-

"Hey, Gaara, let's talk about this." Her eyes were wide, almost frightened. 

Frightened?  She was afraid of me now?  I growled at her.  Then so be it.  I wasn't in the mood.  "A _clone_ , Naruto?  Are you _trying_ to kill yourself?" The anger I felt continued to feed into my sand.  A burning, blinding sensation.  One I was familiar with.  One I had trouble controlling. 

Lash out, protect, harm.  The sand crawled up my legs in a protective shell, the agitating sand at my feet gathered together to form tendrils of sand which moved upwards with the rising shell, ready to attack.  Anger.  Stress, automatic reaction.

"You were gone."

Pain, in my chest.  I ignored it.  "A week, only a _week_.  After the Hokage left, I would have been back." With every word I noticed my voice getting louder until I nearly shouted at her.  I knew I should have had someone tell her.  My fault.  I should have-

"How was I supposed to know that?" Her voice raised at me, ending in a shout.  "You never mentioned it, you just fucking left me!"

Reason left me, replaced only by anger.  "I have work I need to do, I am the _Kazekage_ , I can't just sit in here catering to you." The sand was up to my chest now, soon, it would engulf me and lash out at whatever came near.

"You could have at least mentioned it, you fucking bastard!"

"It did not concern you." The sooner she realized she had no control or position the better it would be for both of us.

"I am your damn _wife_ , how does it not concern me?" She gave a guttural groan.  "Why can't you at least start acting like it?  We should have some time together, we should pick out names, do couple stuff, you could at least _kiss_ me before I fucking die in a few damn weeks!"

The pain in my chest broke open and encased me, pain mixed with anger, fear mixed with pain.  She widened her eyes as the sand reacted to my emotion and shot forward.  I barely had time to move my own arm, directing it away from her head and it smashed into the wall behind her, hard.  I continued my motion and grabbed hold of her by her hospital gown, my fist shaking in the material.  I pulled her towards me, wanting her to feel my point as well as hear it.  I clenched my jaw and narrowed my eyes.  I wasn't going to all this trouble to ensure her life for her to simply give up on me.  Not now.  "You." I tried to speak, but couldn't fully open my mouth, so continued through my clenched teeth.  "Are.  _Not_.  Going.  To.  Die."  I tried to emphasize the 'not', and I realized with every word I had twisted the fabric of her gown deeper into my fist.

She whimpered at me, and I felt her move to get away, but I let go before she could.  Away.  I had to get away from her.  Before I hurt her, before... I used my own sand to remove me from her room, then up the stairs to my own quarters where the sand finished it's encasement of me.  Surrounded, safely away from her I allowed the feral scream to leave my throat.  I collapsed inside my cocoon, the sand soft on my knees.  I grabbed at the fabric above my heart.  She couldn't give up.  I wouldn't let her give up.  She needed to fight.  She had to fight, she had to live, I needed her, the baby would need her, She had to-

I felt the fabric rip and I let it go, burying my face in my hands, allowing the pain to escape me, the wet of tears seeping into the sand of my face and fingers, the sounds of sobs echoing in the sand I encased myself in, the anger fading, leaving me only with pain, regret and worry.

*                 *                 *

I felt numb, my entire room was covered in a layer of sand, books and papers everywhere.  My room had never been such a mess before.  It didn't matter though.  Not when Naruto could lose her life.  Not when Naruto didn't seem to care about losing her life.  I needed to see Kimiko.  Let her know my wishes about keeping Naruto alive over the child.  It was not a good choice, but I couldn't lose her.  Naruto wouldn't be happy about it, but I didn't care.  She would get over it, eventually, if it came to the unthinkable.  It wasn't the fact I didn't want the child.  Far from it.  I wanted the child, desperately, but her... I needed her more.

I picked up the book closest to me and smiled.  This book.  I flipped through the pages to the one I had marked, years ago.  A wedding cake, a simple one meant for the traditional weddings which were held here in Suna, but with a badly drawn frog on the top.  Naruto thought I hadn't noticed it, but once again, against my better judgement and Kankuro's insistence it was because of my personal obsession, I had marked the page instead of ordering a new copy.  My fingers traced across the slight indent of the paper where she had drawn.  How had we come to this place?

This place, where Naruto was my wife, _my wife_ , and here, with me?  Carrying my own child, _me_?  What had I done in this life to have deserved something so beautiful, perfect?  Naruto was everything I had ever wanted, ever desired.  I had been complacent in knowing she was happy elsewhere, because she was happy.  Yet, she made a wish for me, of all people.  Because, she felt she needed me in order to be happy.  _Me_ , of all people.  I hugged the little book to my chest.  Yet, I had gone and yelled at her.  But, I was angry.  I was hurting.  I didn't want her to give up, I didn't want to lose her. 

It bothered her as well, and I knew she had a point, no matter how much I wanted to deny it.  It was half the reason why I wanted to do the naming ceremony.  In case.  I told myself it was because she might not have enough energy to see our child's naming, and wanted her to have the experience so she would know.  It was more than just about having a different name than Naruto on our child's documents.  What I didn't want to admit, was in the back of my mind was the fact she might not live through the birth, and I wanted to give her an idea what it would be like.  The naming ceremony.

She wanted more from me.  To experience me, to experience a kiss with me.  My grip tightened on the book.  Could I manage it?  In such a small time frame, could I get myself to the point of withstanding such an intimate touch from her?  I brought my fingers to my lips.  Kiss.  How would I go about such a thing?  I knew the fundamentals, but how was it truly done?

"Gaara?" Temari.

I jerked my hand away from my mouth and looked up to her.  "Temari."

She sighed.  "I would ask what happened, but whatever happened, fix it?  I can tell from the state of the room, it wasn't much better on your end."

I blinked at her.  Better?  "What do you mean?"

"Naruto is currently freaking out down there, but I wasn't able to decipher much beyond a trail of sand and a giant hole in the wall behind the bed.  What the hell, Gaara?  Were you meaning to scare the hell out of her, or was it an accident?"

I stared at her.  She was freaking out?  My stomach turned slightly, knowing I had been the cause of her disquiet.  "I meant to scare her, yes." I knew it was true.  At the moment, I had meant to scare the will to live into her.  "She isn't allowed to die."

She knelt down next to me and pried the book I was holding onto.  "This old thing?  Gaara, what are you planning?"

I tilted my head at her.  Planning?  Naming Naruto.  Then, figuring out how to kiss her.  Figuring out how to make sure she would live.  Then... Then what?  My eyes wandered down to the book.  Marriage.  I was already married to Naruto.  _Marry me._   The words echoed in my head and I widened my eyes.  I could do this.  Give her something to look forward to.  Something to live for, if she wanted.  "Temari, after the ceremony, I want you to take me to the underground market.  There is something I need to get."

Her eyes widened.  "You're serious."  She looked back down at the book.  "You are sure you want-"

"Yes." The answer was breathy, but I knew this is what I wanted.  "I think I'm ready.  For the ceremony.  I only need Baki there, one member of the council is all which is required for the ceremony here.  Twenty minutes, then we will meet downstairs.  I will bring Naruto."

She handed me back my book.  "What will her name be?"

I looked away from her.  Why was I in such a rush when I hadn't even figured it out yet?  "You will see."  Bluff.  What did I just do?

She shrugged and headed out of the room.  "You might want to get down there soon, calm her down first?  I'm not sure twenty minutes is long enough."

"It will be enough."  Panic.  What was I doing?  Why was I rushing this?  Shouldn't I think more on what to name my own damn wife?  Not just pull some random name out of thin air?  I kept my face carefully blank, not wanting to let on I had made a mistake in the time frame.  I hadn't thought about what to name her, in this past week, not one thought even though I had scheduled the ceremony for today, then I just upped it by a few hours.

Just because I wanted to go to the underground market early.  Was this something just to get done with?  Was this not important?  I stayed quiet as Temari left me alone in my sand filled room.  I let out a shaky breath.  What was I going to do?  This wasn't just some trivial ceremony, some thing to be waved off as unimportant.  It was a naming ceremony.  My wife's naming ceremony.  One where I was supposed to be picking the name.  In twenty minutes.  I couldn't just postpone it.  Not when I already made it known my desire to do it so quickly.

I scanned the room for books.  Something, I needed something for a name.  Something beautiful, something bright, something hopeful.  Something perfect, something Naruto could be proud to have as a name.  It would be hers, her Suna name.  It would be official.  _Permanent_.  And I had given myself twenty minutes to come up with it.  Less than, actually, if one included the fact this twenty minutes included me going to Naruto, calming her down and then carefully transferring her to the downstairs make shift meeting room.  _Brilliant, Gaara, you are simply brilliant_.  I groaned as I climbed to my feet and floated as many books my way as possible.  Name, name, name, I needed a suitable name.  I tossed aside book after book, hunting through different kanji.  I froze.  I had it.  Something beautiful.  Something hopeful.  Something which would connect her with me.  I had the three meanings already, I just needed to order the symbols and sounds until they made something she would like.  I could do this.  I could pull this off.  Couldn't I?  I smiled to myself.  I knew.  I knew what I would name her.  Hope.  Sand.  Beautiful.  In this order, it would be perfect.  I had wasted precious minutes figuring out something I could feel was right from the beginning.  It was so simple, so very simple.  I bounded out the door, a light lilt to my step as I made my down the stairs, the many, many stairs. 

This needed to change.  Naruto's clone had taken a near deadly spill down these steps.  What if it were really her?  What if our child fell like this?  I had caught Shinki once when he was little and banned him to his room for nearly a month afterwards for his own protection.  I would not do this again.  Not with them.  I paused outside of Naruto's door and twisted the other way.  Shinki.

He should be there for this.  I raised my hand and gave a slight wince as the jarring motion of knocking upon his door travelled down my arm, the back of my knuckles hitting the wooden blockade.

Soon, I heard movement and my son appeared in a small crack at the door.  He looked up at me, sighed and went to close the door.  I quickly put my hand in the way, keeping it from shutting.  "Father."  His voice was low, annoyed.

This was the exact moment I realized I had barely spoken to him since Naruto had come here.  Since I killed him with my own hands, since-  "Shinki."  I kept my voice low, as soft as I could manage considering the natural gravel my voice always retained.

His eyes shifted away from me and I seen his fingers flex on the door.  "What do you want?"

"Naruto's naming ceremony is going to be held downstairs in roughly ten minutes, I would like it if you were there."

"Would you?" His voice was sharp and I flinched at them.  I had been making progress with him before all this, now it would seem I had some damage to fix.

How?  I should talk to Kankuro, see how to go about it.  Maybe he would... Maybe I could... I sighed.  "Yes, would you come?"

He shrugged, his face blank.  Maybe I had spent too much time around him, maybe I hadn't.  I knew I needed to speak with him soon, clear the air, explain... Everything, the best I could considering this stupid mark on my arm.  "Fine, I'll come."  He turned away from the door and I let him be. 

It would be best to leave him be, at least he would be there, during the ceremony.  It was all I could ask for, in the end.  I turned back to the other side of the hall and moved my hand to the doorknob.  Open the door, wasting time, I needed to do this.  I twisted my hand and pushed the door open with a deep breath.  My eyes automatically fell on her, her puffy red eyes, her hands hovering over the baby.  I listened to the beeps, their soothing sound reminding me she was still alive.  I quietly entered the room and noticed the large hole in the wall behind her head, a touch of light streaming in through the hole.  I frowned at it.  Had I been so angry to have done such a thing?  The blaring answer had been dug deep behind her head.  I had been close.  Far too close to harming her.  I swallowed.  "Naruto."  My throat felt dry and I swallowed again.

Her eyes left the ceiling and settled on me.  Her face scrunched up at the sight of me, and she began to cry.

"Naruto?"  I rushed to her, my hand hovered over her face, not sure of how to comfort her.  I clenched the hand into a fist and forced it to my side.  Me.  I was the one to make these tears come.  My fault.  Me.  "I'm sorry, Naruto.  I didn't mean to hurt you."

She snorted and grabbed my shirt, bunching it into her hand.  "Damn it, I'm the one who is fucking sorry.  For everything, for taking it out on you, for... Everything."

I leaned forwards and turned off the machines, then unhooked her from them.  "You have nothing to be sorry for."

"Gaara?" Her eyes were wide, bright and wet from falling tears.

I soaked the ones left, the ones which lingered with the sand on my fingers.  "Shh, we will be late."  I slipped my arms underneath her.  I could move her with my sand, but this, this was far too personal.  I lifted her up, annoyed with how light she felt and cradled her to my chest.  "Give me today, after this I need some time with Temari, then I will be back.  I give you my word.  After this, after today, I shall not leave you for more than a few hours until the baby comes."

I felt her lean into me, her hand grabbed at my chest, pulled the fabric.  I heard a muffled 'thank you' and I moved down the stairs.  This ceremony, it didn't matter to me.  Her name was trivial.  This body, this warm creature in my arms, the one who housed my child, my own little living being I had created within her was all that mattered.  Downstairs, I idly noted the people who attended.  My siblings, my son, the Hokage and Baki.  I didn't listen to the words, didn't pay attention to the movement, simply waited for my cue. 

Instead, I watched her.  Watched her face, her expression as she watched the ceremony, the smile it brought to her face.  The look of wonder on her reddened eyes.  Her.  She was all that mattered to me.  This one life.  This one person.  Her, the life inside her.  I felt the warmth of her spread into my chest.  In this moment, what was to come, the worry left my mind.  She was happy, I could see it.

" _Gaara_ , the name."  Voice, who it belonged to I wasn't sure.  Name. 

Yes, the name.  Why we were here.  She looked up at me as everyone waited.  I looked deep within her eyes, my wife.  My precious wife.   I felt my lips twitch upwards.  My wife, "Kisarei."  I whispered it to her, not caring who else heard me.  This name, I could learn to love this name.

I listened to the words then.  Baki spoke them, the official announcement.  "With the naming now recognized by the council of Suna, I proclaim this woman, Kisarei, the wife of the fifth Kazekage of Suna, a citizen."

I felt my heart stop beating when she mouthed the name to me, ending the unspoken word with a wide smile, one I knew could light the world with it's brightness.  This woman, my Naruto.  My wife.

My hope, my sand, my beautiful _Kisarei_.


	9. Necklace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long, but my birthday week ended up being very busy.  O.o  First, my mom claimed me on my birthday, then my dad took me out on my next day off, then my ex insisted on taking me out yesterday.  (Slightly awkward, but I really have no social life so it wouldn't make sense not to keep him as a friend no matter how annoyed I am with him)
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter, just a light fluffy one, but an important one :D
> 
> As always, reviews/comments serve to inspire.

 

 

** Gaara **

My entire body was tense, every muscle in my body refused to move, every fiber of my being screamed at me to simply turn around and go back the way I came.  This was wrong.  Terribly wrong.  Why did I need to be doing this?  Was it really so important to go in there?

"You don't have to do this, you could always use Mom's, it's still downstairs in their room, if I rememb-"

" _No_." I glared at Temari for the implied suggestion.  "I buried _his_ living quarters in sand years ago, everything left is either crushed or shall remain relics."

"You know as much as I do you could _un_ bury it if you wanted.  You would still refuse it, even though it belonged to her?"

I gritted my teeth.  I didn't desire this line of questioning, it was too... Personal.  Even from her.  "Especially because it belonged to her."

She frowned at me.  "I don't get it, Gaara, why-"

"Drop it Temari." The memory, the knowledge of what I was fighting against reminded me why I was here.  A promise.  I had today, then I would glue myself to my wife until... _Until_.  I left the word as a singular thought.  It meant so much.  Open ended, purposely open.  I wanted it this way.  Needed it to be this way.  I moved my eyes back to the large archway which led to the long line of doors which led down beneath the city.  The area of Suna I personally had never been.  To spare them, all of them of the reality of my existence.  It was easy being the stoic and enigmatic protector, the one they seen from a distance.  Inhuman.  A phantom, one they never had to see in person except on the occasions they came to me personally.  I didn't even see most of my own ninja in person.

Yet, I found myself surprised when they would come on celebrations, when they seen me for my return to the living, my return to Suna after I had died.  They had surprised me with a recurring holiday on this same day every year, celebrating the return of me to them.

Yet.

I was not sure I could handle walking directly amongst them.  The market I had tried taking Hinata to was far less populated than this.  This was the heart of Suna itself.  The direct access to most buildings, shops and apartment complexes, some of which could not be accessed from any other entrance.  The underground, the very breath of life this city had and I had never seen it with my own eyes.

"Don't get me wrong, but you have been standing in this exact spot for over an hour.  I'm only here a few more hours myself, so if you're going to do this, you should probably just get it over with."

"You will be back in a month."

"You are going to stand here that long?" Her voice dropped with annoyance.

I shifted my eyes back to her and sighed.  No matter how much I willed my limbs to move, they simply did not obey me.  This place was wrong, this place wasn't allowed, this place needed to be avoided.  Yet... "Help me.  I cannot move."

She didn't hesitate to plant her hands firmly on my back and push me firmly forwards.  "Walk."

I did, to keep up with her steady pressure.  One step, another.  Almost there.  _Turn around, run away, don't get near._  My heart pounded in my chest.  I could just order one and have it sent.  Naruto.  This was for her.  I could do this.  Temari moved around me and opened the door.  We made it under the arch, close enough to reveal the escalator to the underground.  The underground.  Where the common citizens of Suna spent most of their lives, the place they could feel safe, even from the likes of myself.  I would ruin this trust by breaking through this barrier.  I stayed planted firmly to the spot.

For Naruto, for Naruto, for Naruto.  Still, my body stayed stiff and did not move.  _Turn around, what am I thinking?  I can't go down there, I can't-_ My breath began to hitch and my heart sped up even faster.  _Get away.  Don't go down there.  They hate you.  Avoid the stares._

 _Monster._ I was still a monster, my own memory proved it to me.  Monster, Gaara, monster.  Me.  Stay away.

A hand latched onto the fabric of my sleeve and before I could stop it I found myself hurled forwards and falling downwards.  I was forced to cushion my fall at the bottom with sand and I looked back up to my traitorous sister who was calmly riding down the escalator as though nothing had happened.  "Do you have a death wish, Temari?  I could have killed you just then."  Truth, had I not been so distracted with a near panic attack, I very well could have lashed out at her without thought, bludgeoned her with my sand with a mortal wound which couldn't be fixed soon enough for her to live. 

She didn't answer me until she reached the bottom, a light smirk on her lips.  "Well I'm still alive and it worked to get you down here, didn't it?" She quickly brushed past me, not waiting for an answer, opening the door and letting the sounds of the crowd beyond seep through into the breezeway.

I swallowed, staring past her into the mass of moving people, moving though the sandstone walls with ease.  Similar to ants who had jobs to do.  No thought, simply movement.  Daily life, purposeful.  I had a purpose, an important one.  How long before they would notice me there?  Would they scatter?  Yell out derivatives, or attack?

"Come on, I took us to an entrance which isn't far from where you want to go.  The faster we get going, the faster you can get back home to your wife, so stop dawdling." Her irritation was becoming obvious, her fingers twitched on the door, her eyebrow wavered and her lip was slightly down turned.

I sighed.  She was correct, though I would not say such a thing aloud, lest she pester me incessantly with the fact until she left with the Hokage.  Perhaps her leaving for a small while would relieve me of the headache she had started to cause since she had arrived just two months ago, though I barely talked to her until recently,when I felt more secure about my wife's well-being.  For now.  Less then two months left, just a mere 6 weeks before the projected day of reckoning, when two lives would hang in the balance for-

"Gaara." Her voice sounded strained, deeper than usual.

I pulled my sand up from beneath me and gathered it back into the shape of a small gourd, hanging the little thing from the holster at my hip.  I was glad in this moment for my sand armor as it wicked away the moisture from my skin and hid the blush I was sure had crept upon my face due to the heat within my cheeks.  My eyes widened as I thought about it, a memory came, one of Kankuro telling me something about not being able to have a suitable relationship while constantly wearing it.  Not wanting to reveal this particular thought I took a deep breath and forced my feet forward, toward the unforgiving beast better known as the Suna underground market.

I held my breath as I passed through the door, expecting... Something.  What, I was not sure, but I had only imagined all sorts of unmistakable horrors.  Ever since I started to make lists, the horrors which laid beyond the archways into the underground had made it's way into my mind so many times, I had entire binder filled with the possibilities.  Possibilities where I would somehow end up getting ousted as Kazekage, possibilities where I would get taunted, or silently judged for my past misdeeds.  Possibilities where I would accidentally kill someone or scare a child so badly it died.  None of the possibilities I had meticulously devised came near what happened next.

The truth about the underground which I had never thought possible.

Being completely ignored and unnoticed.  Didn't they know who I was?  Did they not care?  Me, their Kazekage, the born and raised personal weapon of Suna?  I was a monster, a murderer, someone who could kill every person in these tunnels in a breath, yet they didn't even notice my presence.

I was almost offended.  I might have been more obstinate about it had I not come for a specific reason, one Temari was grabbing my sleeve over and pulling me into the mass of uncaring bodies going about their busy lives.  With every light bump, every light brush of a person to my own body I felt my own skin rile back in disgust.  Don't touch me.

Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't _touch_ me.  "Hurry up Temari."  Too many people.  Too crowded.  Too close.

She looked over her shoulder and smiled at me.  "Almost there."

I grunted in reply and merely allowed her to drag me through the unknowing masses.  I had never seen so many people crowded into such a small space in my life.  I knew we had a lot of people here, but I hadn't realized how many of them came down here all at once.  I hissed as another person brushed against my arm.  How could they stand this?  Soon, thankfully, I was dragged into a small door within the sandstone halls and found myself in a small quaint shop laminated with only the soft light of dim candles.  I shuddered once I was safe inside, the door closed to the insanity just beyond it's barrier.  Though the people who had bumped into me only touched clothing or sand, I had the intense desire to scrub myself of their heated touched, rid myself of the reminder of their existence, their unwanted closeness and contact.  I flexed my hand and rubbed my arm against the cloth of my shirt in reflex to it.

"See, that wasn't so bad, was it?" Her voice was too cheerful for what had just transpired.

I sent her a pointed glare and she dared laugh at me.  "After this, I shall never venture down here again." I kept my voice low, allowing as much grit to enter it as I spoke making my voice closer to a growl than anything.  I let my eyes wander during my annoyance.  This shop, deep within the heart of Suna, had a reputation for a reason.  It had been here for generations, selling traditional items unique to our little space in the world.  Handmade relics, still made carefully with attention to detail.  Things such as gilded lanterns, rugs, ceramics and what I personally had come for- jewelry.  Traditional, painstakingly made beaded jewelry.

I found my target on the far wall while Temari wandered the shop looking at trinkets and souvenirs to take back to Konoha and my heart began to race, a nervousness settling in.  Was I doing the right thing?  We were already-

"Lord Kazekage?" An older man approached, his hands wringing on a dirty apron hung loose around his neck.  He fidgeted, his eyes darted back and forth between me and my sister.  Apprehensive.  Nervous.  Afraid.

I found myself feeling like a child again and found myself wanting to bolt for the door.  Fear _.  Monster.  Stay away.  Kill it._ I cleared my throat.  I was Kazekage, I should be able to enter a simple shop if I so desired.  Shouldn't I?  "Yes." I damned myself when my voice broke with the word.  What sort of leader was I?  Fearless against anyone who would attack, yet petrified of the very people he protected.

The man gave a small bow.  "Forgive me, my lord.  I had no idea I was to be expecting such an esteemed guest.  Is there something I could help you with?" The man masked his apprehension with a smile, his tone light and jovial.  I noticed his hands still wringing in his apron.

I sighed and looked back to the wall of jewelry.  "I have been told your shop is the best in traditional Suna fare."  I folded my arms, forcing my face to become blank, indifferent.  "I've heard the things you carry are still made with the attention to detail and standards they were before it became a ninja village."

This time, the old man beamed, his hands left his apron.  "Yes, you have heard correctly.  To think, even the Kazekage knows of my little shop.  Is there something you are after?  I have many wares, lanterns to decorate, rugs-"

"I am in need of a necklace."

"A necklace?" He frowned, then the man's eyes widened.  "A necklace." He emphasized the word, now understanding the importance of what I was asking.  "Please, come with me." A light smile replaced the look of shock.

I nodded and followed, sending a small glare towards my sister as she gave me a bright smile and a thumbs up as I went into the man's small consultation room.  It was a quaint room, even more quaint and fanciful than the shop itself.  He motioned towards a chair next to the wall and disappeared into yet another door. and I followed his implied direction.  I crossed my legs and folded my arms back up once seated and waited for the man to return.  There were few decorations on the walls, a simple rug in the middle of the floor, hardly a comparison to what was being sold beyond the door to this small room in the shop.  There were pictures next to the desk I sat across from.  Pictures of family.  Children, parents, grandparents, siblings.  Most from within this very shop.

The man returned and I couldn't stop my curiosity.  "This shop, it has been handed down to you?"

He placed a few boxes on the desk and gave a hum.  "Could say I inherited it.  Had to prove myself first, show I could handle the job of keeping it to standard."

I tilted my head at him.  Inherited it.  Sort of like... "Like becoming Kazekage." I said it aloud without meaning to.  Inherited.  I had to prove I could do it, even after my siblings refused the position, knowing I had a desire to take it.

I heard a soft chuckle come from the man.  "Not exactly, but it is familial, if it is what you meant, Lord Kazekage."

I decided not to answer him, slightly embarrassed of my own words.  Instead, I studied the boxes he brought in.  These must be what I was after.  The necklaces.  My stomach lept to my throat.  I was doing this.  It was too late to back down now, lest I kill this man who had witnessed me back out of it.  I would like to do neither thing, honestly, so I stayed in the chair, my muscles slowly tensing at the prospect.  This was for her.  My wife.  It was likely an odd thing to do after the marriage had already happened, but I couldn't help but have the desire to prove I desired her in my life.  I wanted this.  I wanted her.  I took a deep breath through my nose.  My people didn't know of her yet.  My marriage.  I would have to share this news with them.

After the baby.  After I got her through this, kept her alive.  I wanted to give her something to live for, to look forward to.  I wanted to give _me_ something to look forward to.  Was I being too selfish?  What if she didn't like it, what if she were appalled by the very idea, what if-

The man moved the boxes out on the table and began to slide the lids off of them, one at a time.  "I hope I am not being presumptuous in thinking these are the type of necklaces you desired to see?"

I stared at the necklaces he had unveiled.  Each box, a different necklace.  Each a fully different style, but the type was evident in them.  I nodded, studying the intricate carving of the beads, the way they were laced together with string and metal.  I frowned.  There was another reason I had chosen this shop.  While I didn't desire my mother's necklace for Naruto, this had been the shop it had been made.  A connection without having to directly involve the past.  Yet, I did not see the style of her necklace amongst the ones shown.  Hers had been simple, almost too simple for the wife of the Kazekage.  They may have been married before my father had taken the position though, it was a fact I never asked of my siblings.  "You are missing something." I wasn't sure if I wanted something similar to hers, but it almost felt wrong not to even have it presented to me.

"You would like to see it as well?  I know what you are speaking of, and I thought, because you were here instead of simply using it, you would like something different from hers."

I raised my eyes to the old man and tilted my head at him as I thought on his words.  "No.  It would be unnecessary.  I just thought it odd the style was missing." I lowered my eyes back to the styles.  They ranged from simple, almost as simple as what my mother had worn, to the highly elaborate.  Weighty, bright and in your face sort of necklace which was more of a declaration of wealth than a declaration of love.

"Once you decide on a style you like, I will bring out the variations we carry."

I nodded silently and studied them.  Simple.  A weave of beads which laid within a single strand, thin, intricate, ending in the carved stone which made the necklace significant.  For Naruto, I thought it to be too simple, to spite the small chain she wore about her neck for so many years.  Always hidden, but precious, and no longer around her neck.  The next step up carried a simpler version of the elaborate necklace, the same sort of strand, but with little spiky offshoots of gems and beads.  Beautiful and elegant, something I would likely go for if it were for anyone other than Naruto.  The style wouldn't suit her.  She was beautiful, yes, but I also knew once she was well again, she would be anything but elegant.  But the next one.  I pulled the box up to inspect it closer.  This one was more like a cord, three thin strands of intricately carved beads similar to the simplest of the necklaces but weaved in a way which reminded me of something far more personal.  My fingers hovered over it, simple, yet... "This reminds me of a handfasting cord."

The man hummed.  "It is meant to.  During the ceremony, this particular necklace is removed and used as the part of the ceremony.  Once done, she can wear it as a constant reminder instead of boxing it away.  Personally, this is my favorite style."

I nodded in agreement.  The stone was secured not only with the setting, but also the cord in this one.  The attraction was the cord.  A constant reminder of what it was used for.  I could feel my face heat up as I thought of Naruto in this style of necklace, the cord hung from her neck and after the ceremony, if she chose to...  "This one."

The man left the box in front of me and slid the lids to the other boxes into place.  He silently stood and left me alone with my style choice.  Now, to fine tune the color and setting.  While I waited for the man to return my heart settled firmly inside my throat and I tried to swallow it back down into my chest.  This was it.  I was doing this.  I had already picked the type.  Now, to pick the exact one I would present to her.  It felt as though every vein in my body wanted to escape and my breath caught in my throat.  I couldn't breathe.  What if I chose wrong, what if she hated it, what if she didn't even like the idea of it.  We were already married, why would she want to go through something like this, why would she want to go through something like this with _me_?  My heart raced and I focused on the stone in front of me.  Calm down.  Breathe.  Everything was fine.  Concentrate.  Don't _panic_.

I clenched my hands into fists as the man reentered the room, hoping he wouldn't notice anything amiss with me.  I didn't want to show a common citizen their stoic and emotionless leader battled with frequent panic attacks.  Thankfully he seemed unaware, or at least was used to people freaking out over the prospect these little trinkets represented.  Divorce wasn't common in Suna, even more unheard of in high families, and unthinkable for people in my status.  Yet, we were already married.  It didn't matter, this trinket, not legally.  But personally it made every difference.  This would not be forced, it would be entirely by choice.  I needed to show her I wanted this, with her, _forever_.  Show her she was mine, and in turn I was hers.  She had the power to destroy me from my very core, but then, she always had the power to do it.  Ever since we were children, she had this power over me and it was a closely guarded secret only known by my family and anyone with a working brain who could decipher my reasons for going to war.

I sighed and leaned forward, eager to see my options.  Not only would this be the necklace she would wear for the rest of her life, but it would also represent our handfasting cord, so long as she accepted it. 

The man smiled at me.  "Do not worry, my lord, I am sure she will love whichever one you choose.  I can always tell the ones who are truly invested, and the ones done on obligation.  Congratulations, Lord Kazekage, I can see you are invested in her, though it is likely an arranged marriage."  He moved a small toolbox he had brought with the new boxes under the table.

I looked up at him, my eyes widened in shock.  I thought I had been careful about hiding my emotions, yet he seen through my mask.

He chuckled.  "I've been doing this many years, even without seeing your expression, I can tell.  The way you choose and especially the style you have chosen reveals your emotions as much as any facial expression ever could.  I won't tell, don't you worry." 

"Tell?"

"The fact our statue of a Kazekage has deep emotional ties." With this he began to slide the lids off the new boxes he brought in and I was distracted from what he was said by the array of options.

All of them were beautiful, and I studied them carefully.  The one I chose had to be perfect, had to be something which suited Naruto, had to be something loud, beautiful, rebellious.  Different.  Bright.  Yet...  None of them seemed to carry this personality, none of them were perfect.  I frowned at them.  The style would be right, but the colors, the beads, the stones they were all wrong.  None of them would work.  I felt my shoulders slump slightly.  "Are these your entire stock?"

"These are the ones already made, yes."

I tilted my head at the man, feeling the implied meaning of the statement.  "May I custom order one then?"

He hummed his response and began to slide the lids back onto the boxes.  He gathered them up and flashed me a sly smile.  He tapped the side of his temple.  "Choices are stronger than expressions."  He picked up the small toolbox he had set down under the table earlier.  He unlocked it, then began sliding out small trays.  Trays with small beads, cords and metal.  Then, a tray of engagement stones.  Each one carved with precision, each with the carving of the rare Suna rose, a triple petalled rose which always bloomed in the shape of a ball, the petals entwined.  "These roses, do you know the significance of them?"

"Yes."

"We start with the rose, then work our way out since this is our focal point." He moved the tray in front of me so I could choose more easily.

I studied them carefully.  The stones used all varied in types and combinations.  Many were simple stones carved in one piece, then others which were somehow spliced together, and there, near the bottom, I found it.  The perfect stone.  One which screamed 'Naruto' in every sense.  I pointed at it.  "What sort of stone is this?"

He smiled at me.  "The center is an elongated, smoothed orange fire opal." He pulled on a white cloth glove and picked it up carefully.  "See, here in the center, how it catches light?" He twisted it and between the spaced petals I could see glimmers of blue and green catch the light within the deep orange stone.  I nodded.  "Then, with a custom setting I placed the petals." He pointed at the base of the petals where I could see hints of a dark metal.  "These are made of orange selenite." The petals were almost a milky orange in color, placed in a way which made it obvious what it was, but spaced enough to see the beautiful opal beneath.  Loud.  Bright.  Brilliant.  Possibly a little obnoxious.

"It must be this one."

He took out a small tray from within his desk and placed the stone inside.  "Excellent choice, my lord.  Now, for the beads of the cord.  Traditionally, each cord will be a separate color, even if the color is close to the same.  Would you like a traditional cord, or the newer same color cord I have in the displays?"

Tri-color, like a handfasting cord.  "Traditional." 

He moved the second tray to me, each little box with an individual carved bead.  "These are the ones I have the stone for.  All custom orders are carved upon request.  It will take three week, and when the stone is chosen, it becomes final."

"Three weeks?" I flicked my eyes up to him.  It would only leave three weeks until her due date.  I would have to make it perfect.  Every detail, every last moment leading up to it.  Three weeks to woo her so she would say yes.  Three weeks before...  "Very well."  I said it before he answered and studied the little beads in front of me.  Without thought, I picked out three quite easily.

"Moonstone." He picked up the milky translucent bead, "Blue jade." The dark almost glowing blue one.  "Hematite." The silvery looking stone which reminded me of metal.  In a way, I wanted to recreate her usual uniform in necklace form.  Black, blue, white, orange.  A combination I would need to keep away from her normal attire, but could indulge in this one form.  He slid a cover on the small tray and wrote some notes directly on top of the box.  "Because you are the Kazekage, I will have a twenty percent discount." He scribbled some things on a piece of paper and slid it towards me.  "If you find the price worth it."

The price didn't matter for me.  It was high, yes, but this was for Naruto, and I had the money for it.  "Why the discount?  Simply because I am the Kazekage shouldn't mean I automatically should expect such a privilege."

The man laughed.  A hearty, robust and full bodied laugh.  "You misinterpret my reasons.  All of Suna will see this necklace once you go public and what better advertising than to have one of my own designs gracing the beautiful neck of the Kazekage's own wife?  This, my lord, is an advertising discount.  I need to be able to give my grandchildren a lucrative business to inherit, don't you agree?"

I looked back down at the paper.  For the discount, it would mean my Naruto would be on display for all of Suna to see.  In a way, I wanted to keep her for myself, my own eyes, but...  I felt something warm spread through my chest at the thought of standing next to her during one of my speeches.  All of Suna seeing her, associating her with me, seeing her wearing the symbol of her connection to me, holding onto a tiny being she had created.  I swallowed.  He was right, it would be good advertising.  "Yes."  I stood and thought about having to return in three weeks and felt sick.  "Can you have it delivered upon completion?"

"Of course."

I breathed a sigh a relief.  "Then, we have a deal.  I shall have the funds ready for you this afternoon.  I will send a messenger with it, please send a receipt in return."

"Yes lord Kazekage." He took a small bow and I turned to head back out. 

I groaned after I left the shop, faced once more with the ridiculous crowds of the underground market.  Temari grabbed hold of my arm and once again headed back through the masses.  "Never again, Temari.  Never again."  These words left my mouth, yet I knew.  If Naruto asked it of me, I would return.

If Naruto asked me anything, I would likely oblige, eventually.

For Naruto.

Always for Naruto.


	10. Secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to have this short and sweet Naruto chapter here.  Considering she is still bed-bound there isn't a whole lot going on with her at the moment, so just sticking to the important bits.  Next up- Gaara's version at wooing a girl.
> 
> Comments/reviews always serve to inspire, and thank you for all of them so far.  Each one makes my day :D

 

 

** Naruto **

I stared at the ceiling, unable to wipe the stupid grin from my face.  _Kisarei_.  So, this would be my official name, the name my own husband had given to me.  If I managed to live, this is the name Suna and the world would know me by.  "Kisarei."  I said it aloud, wanting to hear it, wanting to get used to it.  I could live, couldn't I?  Maybe.  If I did, then I would need to get used to this name.  "Hi, I am Kisarei, wife of the fifth Kazekage." I snorted as I said it.  The words sounded so damned formal.  The lead position in Konoha was nothing like it was here.  Here, the Kazekage was an inherited position full of ceremony and traditions.  Formal and precise, a figurehead of the people, but with enough power to fight and defend for their people if it came down to it.  In my studies, I noticed Gaara's... _my_ father in law had worked at making it closer to the other villages, connect with the people, make it less formal.  He had built a house, a small one, among his people, married a common ninja and walked the streets without airs. 

When Gaara took over though, he brought it back.  I asked him about it, when I had first come across the comparison.  All he told me was 'etiquette is something good to focus upon'.  I smiled as I remembered the naming ceremony.  Did all Suna citizens have to go through such a thing?  What a beautiful tradition.  Not just a scribble on a paper, or a utterance of a name for others to carry on in place of a parent.  My smile fell at this thought and my vision blurred.  I raised my arm up to my eyes, hiding my tears.  There was nobody else around, but it was habit.  Breathe deep, laugh it off, everything was fine.  The sting in my eyes lessened and I lowered my arm.

I screamed.  "What the fucking hell?" I glared at the hooded intruder who had startled me.  "I close my eyes for a god damned minute and you sneak in like some kind of pervert, the hell?"

He visibly cringed at the word, and refused to meet my eyes.  "Hey, you holding up ok." A deep redness formed on his cheeks, so deep it was visible from the shadows of his hood and I watched as his hands moved as though they were moving puppet strings.

I narrowed my eyes at him.  "You hiding something from me?" I sat up as much as I could force myself to.  "You are being obvious about it."

"What?  I'm not, I mean, why would I..." He groaned and walked up to me.  "Listen here, I'm only here to make sure you are fucking alright, so are you?"

"Oh yeah, wonderful." I rolled my eyes at him.  I can barely move, I am a fucking girl, my name was just legally changed and I could totally die giving birth to your niece.  "Ask me again in two months and I will give you a less sarcastic answer."  Because if he _could_ ask me in two months, it would have meant I lived.  No matter my real condition at the point he asked, I would consider it a win.

He sighed and pulled a chair up to my bed.  He kept his eyes trained on the floor, his shoulders slumped to the point of being barely noticeable.  "You know, he will never let you die.  He would sooner do a full human sacrifice of all of Suna before letting you go.  So you can just stop with all the death talk, alright?"

"He might not have a choice in it.  My body's been tearing itself apart since the first day, slowly at first.  When I went to Temari's, I ran out of the sedative.  That shit let me move though, without it I was just bound to the fucking bed.  Couldn't even blink my damned eyes without wanting to just end myself it hurt so fucking bad."  I spread my hand out over my daughter.  The skin was getting tighter there.  Soon, she would be out in the world, taking her first breaths of air.  Seeing light and hearing sound.  She would be so overwhelmed by it all she would cry, and maybe, just maybe I could hold her, comfort her. 

"Do you still..." He didn't finish the words, still unable to look at me.  His voice was soft, as though embarrassed by something.

Shit.  I know this reaction, I've seen it before.  I groaned.  First, answer the question, then confront what likely happened and tell him everything was ok.  Poor thing, another victim.  "Not really.  The pain is almost entirely gone now.  I'm just tired, ya know?  I lose energy in minutes.  I can kinda sit up now though, I think that's progress.  It's just kinda weird not to heal in minutes.  Used to escape the infirmary all the time because of it." I ended it with a laugh, remembering the panic I caused the first few times I did it, then the resulting 'tie him to the bed!' once they realized my escape tactics.  There was a twist in my stomach as I remembered the cause of my healing.  My mother, the Uzumaki in me.  For both of us, for Gaara, for me, I didn't want to repeat history.  I wanted to teach her, read to her, I wanted to protect her, keep her safe, comfort her.  Hug her.  Be there when she came back home, welcome her. 

"Stop being such a girl, Naruto."

I snorted.  "Yeah, kinda late for that, isn't it?" I cleared my throat.  "Listen, I'm sorry about him, alright?"

He stiffened.  "Sorry about who?" His voice was tight.  I nailed it.

"Gaaruto.  He slept with you, didn't he?"

He looked up at me then and pushed his hood down.  "How did you-"

"I know the look." I shifted on the bed.  "Bothered me the first few times, I mean, the guy has my damned body.  _Had_ my body.  The benefit of all this is being able to separate myself more from that guy.  Annoys the hell out of me.  We used to be friends, back when I first made him.  He hates me now though."

He swallowed.  "Gaara walked in on us."  He lowered his cloak and I seen a large bandage wrapped around his torso.  "Just wanted to warn you."

"How long ago?" If it were recent he might break his promise to come back to me today.  I wanted him to come back to me.  I needed him to.  I wanted to tell him about her, tell him he was going to have a daughter.  Have time with him, precious time he could hold onto in case-

"Over a week ago."

I sighed a breath of relief.  He hadn't even let on about it.  Unless... "Is that why he left for so long?"

"No.  The Hokage came and he wanted to address some things regarding... Well, you."

I hummed.  "He's asking for medical ninja, isn't he?"

He just shrugged.  "This is so damned weird.  I mean, the guy sounded just like you, well the way you used to sound, and _damn_.  He had Gaara's face, then he didn't have his face...  I let him in my room, not even thinking it was anyone other than Gaara, then suddenly, this smell... This damned amazing smell and... Then this woman was there, blonde hair with teal eyes and..."

"I really don't need the details."

"But he switched back mid way, and I was too far gone to stop until-"

I glared at him.  I really didn't want to picture him with my damn clone.  "Kankuro, I really don't need details here.  I know what the guy does, he did it to Kiba, Choji, Tenten and Shizune the first round through as revenge.  Then around twenty random people in Konoha.  Freaking pervert.  Why I locked the guy up, and now he is out wreaking havoc on Suna."  The first time was the hardest, then after about the tenth person I found who had indecent memories of my body, I sort of got used to the weirdness of Gaaruto.

"What in the hell did you do to him that made him hate you?"

I shrugged.  "No idea.  Can't remember, and the idiot won't tell me beyond 'You brought it on yourself, lovely Other.'  So damned creepy.  He used to be nice.  _Nice_."

He hummed and his eyes glazed over a little. 

Oh god, he wasn't.  "You're fucking fantasizing about him, aren't you?"

He coughed and I groaned.  Disgusting.  "I can't help it!  The guy is amazing in the sack, damn it."  He leaned back into the chair with a groan.  "I just wish I could stop thinking about it.  Damn." He frowned a little and looked up at me.  After a moment, a small half smile spread on his lips.  "If you are half as good in the sack as he was, Gaara is one hell of a lucky man."

The last thing I remembered was using every ounce of strength in my body to throw a pillow at the bastard.

.*.               .*.       .*.

When I woke I was alone.  Thankfully, very alone.  I sighed.  So the annoying thing slept with Kankuro, probably because it didn't have any luck with Gaara.  I smiled at this, since the reason I locked him up in the first place was the idle threat of him sleeping with Gaara.  Score one for Naruto original, I actually did get to sleep with the guy and damn it was freaking amazing.  I didn't remember too much from it, just feeling.  Skin, pleasure, desperation.  Hell, all the times I had been with Hinata had never measured up to it and the guy barely even moved.  Had I ever even been able to get her off?  Ever?

I stared up at the spiral on the ceiling.  I honestly can't even remember.  Wow, I was a terrible lover.  Where in the hell did Gaaruto get his prowess anyway?  It sure as hell didn't come from me.  Not to leave that much of an impression.  I groaned as I thought back on all the times Kiba threw that little tidbit in my face in spite of not knowing he still existed inside my mind and I didn't actually remember any of it.  Way too graphic, and damn it I wasn't that kind of guy anyway.

Girl.  "Naruto Uzumaki, seventh Hokage of Konoha, deceased." I said it out loud, letting the fact settle in deeper.  Dead.  Naruto Uzumaki was dead.  This was someone I would never be again, even if I did survive and the thought made me sick.  With one wish, one decision I had thrown everything I ever worked for away as though it were nothing.  My position.  My village.  My family.  I felt her move in me and I rubbed my abdomen in an attempt to comfort her.  How much was she aware of?  Could she sense my emotions?  "Shh, little one.  Mama's here." I choked on the words.  Mom.  Me.  Woman.  Kisarei.  Kisarei of Suna.  I let out a shaky breath.  It was going to be hard getting used to the change.  I had been Naruto Uzumaki for thirty five years.  Guy's guy, crude and hyperactive ninja turned Hokage and absentee father and husband.  Now what?  A guy's girl, crude and hyperactive konoichi turned attentive wife and mother.  I snickered, but wondered how much I would even be able to do if I did manage to survive. 

There was something in the back of my mind which scared the hell out of me.  One I tried not to think about.  One I didn't want to tell anyone about because I was probably just being paranoid.  The more time went by, the more I thought about it.  At first it was simply an unease.  Then, it was more about me trying to live and the thought left.  My seal, it had pulsed so often when I first was pregnant, then I seen him, briefly before I woke up here months later.  Kurama.  Gone.  My seal no longer pulsed.  I couldn't feel his heat.  I couldn't even feel his presence.  It was this fact which scared me the most.  Why couldn't I feel him anymore?  Even before I knew what he was I could feel him.  Almost like this unending heat and anger which ebbed out from my navel and spread outward always threatening to posses me.  Later, when I broke the seal and we became friends, the feel of him there always made it feel as though I weren't alone.  Now, all I could feel was _her_.  I rubbed her again, hoping my own worry didn't get through to her.  How big was she now?  I hadn't read far enough in the books to be able to compare.

If Kurama weakened during all this, and I gave birth... If he died during birth, so would I.  I couldn't live without him, he couldn't live without me.  We were sort of a package deal.  The only thing was he would eventually come back while I would stay dead.  Not exactly ideal circumstances.  I closed my eyes and focused on him.  "Come on, answer me damn you."  Nothing.  Still nothing.  Yet, I knew he had to be there.  Somewhere.  He had done something to me, and I had no idea what.  "What did you do to me, you big stupid fox?" Silence.  No room, no giant fox, nothing.  Not even a pulse or heat from my stomach where he should be.  I flexed my hand over my navel and realized my own child now resided there.  Had my own mother been afraid of my birth and what it would mean for the seal? 

I dropped my hand and tried clearing my mind.  This is why I wanted Gaara.  When Gaara was here I could focus on him no matter how silent and awkward he was being.  It let me think, let me obsess and dream and desire and I really just wanted him here.  I shifted in bed and looked back up to the spiral.  "Kisarei, you are a woman now, get fucking used to it." Kisarei.  "Kisarei, Kisarei, Kisarei." A smile found it's way back to me.  Gaara picked it, this name.  Whispered it directly to me during the ceremony.  I would have to build up the nerve to tell him my other decision.  It was a hard one, one I wasn't sure even I was ready for.  Why I was practicing the name.  I had decided it while he was gone, after he shoved hope down my throat before disappearing on me.

If I lived, _when_ I lived through this, I was going to destroy what I was.  Give up my old name.  Let it die like my clone.  My heart clenched at the thought.  I would no longer be an Uzumaki, _was_ no longer an Uzumaki.  Naruto was another life, another me.  I would never be him again and I don't know if I would ever want to be.  I still wasn't sure I was fully ready to give him up though.  The life he had made.  Give up my manhood.  I hadn't even had enough nerve to feel down there yet.  Was there any of that life left there, or was I already completely woman?  It was all so freaking weird.  Going to the bathroom was weird, felt weird and I didn't want to know.  I didn't even want to contemplate what would happen inevitably in the next month or so. 

Birth.  Hell no.  Didn't want to think about it, didn't want to do it.  Couldn't they just jutsu the precious little thing out of me somehow?  I shuddered.  I looked it up once, before Boruto was born.  The entire process scared the hell out of me and to be honest, I was a little glad I hadn't been present while she did her thing with him.  Now, I was the person who was going to be doing, and I would murder Gaara if he wasn't there.

I was a terrible husband.  Would Hinata get married again?  If she did, I hope it was to someone better than me.  Someone who could be her everything.  Someone who could truly love her back.  I tried, but without my permission, I had already given it away without even realizing it.  To Gaara.  Always to Gaara.  I felt a warmth spread through my chest as I thought about it.  Married.  To Gaara.  Gaara's own little child was growing inside of me.  Gaara's daughter.  It might not have been what I ever imagined.  Turning into a girl, bedding my best friend, getting pregnant then marrying him was never even a possibility on my radar.  Yet, here I was, doing exactly that.

I tickled at my stomach and giggled as I felt a small ticklish rumble from within.  "Please, just let me hold you."  I settled back onto the pillows, exhaustion once again setting in.  Napping wouldn't hurt.  I was waiting for him to come back anyway.

"Soon, my sweet one, we will tell your Daddy what you are, ok?  He is going to love you.  I know it." I rubbed her and she settled back down.  I hoped to dream.  Dream of what my life could be as Kisarei, mother to the children of the fifth Kazekage.  Children, now wouldn't _that_ be something?  I hummed some sort of unidentifiable tune until my voice gave out and I fell back to sleep.


	11. 11 Ways to Woo a Lady Days 1-6

 

 

** Gaara **

I found myself in my personal library in the Kazekage tower after receiving the receipt for my Naruto's engagement necklace.  She was angry at me, though I wasn't sure by how much if I just kept my promise to stay with her after Temari left me to fend for myself for the next month. 

"Why are we in here again?" Temari shifted on her feet with a sigh.

"I need something." I flipped through the books on the next shelf, hoping to find something to help me out.  "You will be leaving and I do not know how to approach... Things." I settled on the word, unsure how to describe precisely what I desired.

"Things?  As in your wife?"

I sighed and gave up on the shelf I was looking through.  I faced her and gave a short nod before moving on to the next bookcase.  There had to be something to help me through this idea of wooing her.  Make her only have eyes for me, make her say yes at my proposal.  I stiffened.  Proposal.  I needed to plan it out, make it special, memorable.  Something beyond anything she had experienced.  "Temari, I do not understand romance.  What are couple things?  She wants me to do couple things with her." I tilted my head at her, willing her to give me a precise answer.

"Couple things?  You trying to seduce her or something?"

Crude.  Both of my siblings were crude.  So was my wife.  I would need to protect this child from all three of them.  My heart lurched.  Child, I would be a father soon.  I biological father.  Me.  I took a deep breath through my nose.  Maybe.  If everything managed to go well.  Before I went back to Naruto, I would have to hunt down Kimiko and tell her my wishes.  I didn't want to confront her about what happened.  I wanted to put it behind me.  I couldn't be angry at her, if it hadn't been for her Naruto, my family and all of Suna would have been dead.  I owed her beyond anything I knew I could do, yet I needed this one small, last thing from her.

Save Naruto.  Save her at all costs.  I grabbed at the fabric over my heart, then let go as soon as I realized I had done it.  I shifted my eyes away from my sister, hoping she wouldn't see, or at least not comment on it.

"So, you want something that'll endear her to you more than she already is?"

I hummed and flipped through a few more books.

"She'll say yes, even without all this."

"I must ensure the outcome.  If she desires me to do couple things, I desire to oblige her.  I might not be... She might not... I simply desire to do this before the child comes."

A small book was thrust under my nose.  More like a pamphlet than a book, it was thin and folded into three quarters.  "This.  Use this."

I raised my brow at it.  "Eleven ways to woo a lady.  Why eleven?"

She shrugged.  "Trust me on it, this will work perfect for her.  Just do everything it says and she will be putty in your hands."

I picked up the little pamphlet and studied it carefully.  I flipped it open, then closed it again.  "How will this make her say yes?  I don't understand."

"Just trust me.  After all of it is done, show it to her and she will melt and do anything you want." She slapped my shoulder, hissed and shook her hand.  "You and your damned sand armor."  She paused.  "You... You are going to show her, aren't you?  Your condition?"

I stiffened, remembering the other thing I had been thinking about.  "Kankuro mentioned it some time ago." My voice was strained as I spoke the words.  "Eleven things.  One thing per day?  On the twelfth day I could show her the pamphlet and I could... I might build enough nerve by then."

She snorted.  "You are going to drag that out for eleven days?" She held up her hands.  "To each their own.  But... You are being serious.  About showing her?"

"She is my wife.  If she is to say yes, on her own, she should know of it.  Shouldn't she?"

"Gaara."

I shifted my eyes away from the little pamphlet and settled my gaze onto my sister.  "Do you think she will be alright, with seeing me as I am?  Without the sand."  The little thing began to wrinkle in my grip and I forced my hands to soften.  Nerves.  Even from this far away from the important moment.  Away from Naruto. 

She averted her eyes away from me.  "It's Naruto."

It wasn't an answer.  I also knew what she meant.  My wife was highly unpredictable, so trying to figure out if she would be alright with the reveal, there was no real way of knowing.  "Kimiko says it is still quite obvious.  She checked it a year ago.  Says it will always be..." I trailed off, not even liking to remember what lay beneath my sand armor myself.  The constant reminder of what happened to me.  "I worked to hide it from her.  Specifically from her.  She doesn't like to remember, I do not blame her.  There is no way around it with it, she will remember when she sees it." I swallowed, a dryness forming in my mouth.

She met my statement with silence.  She shifted her weight then looked away.  "I remember it.  I remember the tests, the treatments.  The balms and exercises.  Did none of it help?  Not even a little?" She looked at me, tears threatening to fall and I couldn't look at her.

They had tried so hard to erase it from me.  My condition.  I took a deep breath.  "You desire to see it."

"Yes." The word was barely audible, breathy.  I heard her breath hitch after the word, as though waiting for repercussion.

I sighed.  "Very well." I untucked my shirt from my pants and pulled the back of it up, just enough so she could see what I was to show her.  I clutched the fabric tightly in my hands.  Move the sand, all I had to do was move it.  With every ounce of my will I shifted the substance from me until I felt the cool air beyond tickle the exposed skin I revealed.

"It... It's a little better.  Not so obvious."

I flashed her a small glare over my shoulder and yanked the granules back into place.  Her lips were thin and she looked paler than she had when I turned from her.  "Lies do not suit you, Temari."

She sighed.  "It's better than when it first showed up." She corrected.

"This is true at least.  My doctor told me it will never fully go away.  To think of it like a scar or a permanent tattoo." I groaned at the thought as I tucked my shirt back into my pants, enjoying the extra cover.  I tucked the pamphlet into my pants and folded my arms.

"You are alive, Gaara.  What you hide beneath your sand, it doesn't mean anything."

"It proves I was dead Temari." I lowered my voice.  "For nearly a day, I was dead.  Not just comatose but flat out dead.  It was not a pleasant experience, one I would prefer to keep to myself." I took a deep breath once I realized my voice gained an edge.  "I apologize."

"I need to head back." She turned from me.  "Just... Trust her.  I'm sure she will accept it.  You are alive, after all.  Isn't this what matters most?" With the words she left me alone.

I relaxed.  One month.  I had one month before she came back.  I let out one long, slow breath through pursed lips, allowing it to calm me.  Eleven days.  Eleven days, then I would show her my biggest secret.  Then, I would simply spend time with her until the necklace was ready, then I would propose.  A smile formed on my lips and I brushed them with my fingers.  I had an idea.  I would wait to tell her, overwhelm her with it, kiss her, then propose. 

I would kiss her.  I had to kiss her.  I _needed_ to kiss her.  Before the baby, before I could lose her.  Before...  I needed to see Kimiko.  I rushed out of the tower and headed to the hospital.  I didn't want to see Temari off.  Besides, she would likely see my wife before she left, and I had just a few more things to do before I went back.  I entered the hospital and went directly to my room, happy the repairs had already been made to the facility since the attack.  I smirked as I passed the nurses station, at the way they scrambled as I passed by them.  Their reaction never became old for me, their panicked actions at my arrival.  I sat on the couch there and waited for her.  It was only a couple minutes before the door handle turned.

Then stopped mid turn.  I heard a sigh just beyond the door and then it slowly opened.  Kimiko came through the door, once again in her full garb with visor.  "Lord Kazekage."

"I see you have recovered well."

She closed the door and sat across from me in a chair.  "Yes."

When she came near, I could smell something oddly familiar and I frowned at her.  Naruto.  She smelled like Naruto.  "You have been near the clone."

She visibly tensed, then nodded.  "Yes."

My stomach twisted.  I honestly didn't need him to be tainting the doctor I needed to save his original.  "You haven't slept with him, I hope."

She laughed, and relaxed.  "Of course not.  He is simply staying at my apartment."

I tilted my head at her, slightly perplexed.  "Why?"

She pulled off her visor and lowered her mask.  Her eyes whirled in the odd way they did, and a smile graced her lips.  "He wanted to tell me something important regarding your wife.  I am taking certain precautions to negate it."

I stood, my heart in my throat.  What did that idiotic letch know I didn't?  "What has he told you?"

She stayed still with the same smile on her lips.  "Please, Lord Kazekage, I cannot say.  I need to do a full exam before I believe his words anyway.  I imagine you came for a reason?"

"You lied to me for years." The words left before I could stop them.  I sighed.  "I looked for you.  Waited.  Yet, you were here, close to me all these years, why?"

Her smile fell.  "To be there when they attacked.  If I were anyone else, I would never have been close enough to you to get you through it.  You would have kept your promise to kill me, before it was time."  She leaned back, her strange eyes trained on me.  "I do not believe this is why you are here either.  Gaara, you will tell me what you want."

I swallowed, my hands  formed fists upon my knees.  "I need you to save her, Kimiko.  I cannot lose her.  At all costs, even if it means less attention for the child, save her first."

"I already planned on this, but I will take note of your preference."

I stiffened and looked up at her sharply.  "I thought it was custom to save the child first."

She smirked.  "You, my lord, are predictable when it comes to your new wife." She pointed at her eyes.  "Besides, I touched you again, during the attack.  I already know."

My eyes widened.  "You know, you know if she will be alright?"

She shook her head.  "Not entirely.  It depends on things going just right."  She leaned forward, her lips thinned and a light wrinkle formed between her brows.  "I need you to know I will do everything in my power to keep her alive.  You have my word on this, try not to worry about it for now." She poked my knee with a gloved hand.  "And enjoy your time with her.  I am sure your proposal will be a success." She winked at me and pulled up her visor and mask.

"How did you-" I didn't finish the question, reminded once again of the way this girl creeped me out, even as a child.  Now she no longer had to hide it, she had returned to being just as creepy as before.  _Unsettling_.  I shifted around her to the door, not wanting to prolong the visit, not wanting to remember what had happened from the last time I had seen her.  The memory of Naruto limp, cold and stiffening in my arms still far too fresh on my mind.  I paused there, my hand on the handle, half way out of the room.  I couldn't bring myself to look back at her, so I stayed there, silent a moment.  "Kimiko.  Thank you."  I didn't stay to see if she would respond or even accept the thanks I needed to give her.  Did she even know what she had done for me?  For my wife and child?  I didn't know and it was something I knew I would never ask.

.*.               .*.               .*.

I stood outside my wife's door holding onto the laced sandals I had picked up on my way back home.  I took a deep breath and frowned at the closed door.  This was absurd.  How in the world could this possible make my wife melt by the end of all of this?  I had no idea.  Temari told me to trust her, but to be honest, I wasn't sure I could.  She was leaving, therefore I would have a good two weeks of cool down before she came back after all this went wrong.  I took a deep breath.  It was too late.  I already ordered the cupcakes, sun lotion, unsharpened pencils, milk and child's alphabet board.  I was already all in, and these sandals would start my eleven days of wooing my lovely wife. 

I held the offensive things up.  Orange, her favorite color.  They were simply hideous and almost completely pointless.  Why would sandals have laces on them?  But I needed them for the first days item to be complete.  Such strange romantic customs.  She better appreciate this.

I hoped she appreciated this.  If she didn't, I would feed Temari's liver to Kankuro to gain vengeance upon them both.  Temari for messing with me, and Kankuro for violating my wife's annoying and male clone who seemed to enjoy the more lewd areas of life.  Disgusting.  With a deep breath and shudder, I pushed the mental image of my own brother bouncing above a clone with my own face on it out of my mind.  He was lucky I let him live.

I was going to order a lifetime supply of the thing he said kept him from sleeping with it as well.  Pheromone blockers, I believe they were called.  With a slight wince I opened the door to my wife's room.  here went nothing.  Or something.  Here went whatever it was I was about to do.

The door swung open softly and I stepped through.  My heart did a small flip in my chest when I laid eyes upon my wife.  She was sitting up in bed with the help with a mountain of pillows, a large bright grin plastered on her whiskered face.  "Beautiful..." I whispered the word, keeping my voice low so she couldn't hear.  She was nearly glowing as she waved to me.

"Gaara, you came!"

I frowned at her obvious assumption.  "You thought I would not?"

Unfortunately my words made the bright smile fade from existence.

My stomach fell as a slight panic began to form.  Fix it, make her happy.  "I've brought something." I kept my voice light as I made my way to her bed.  "If the size is wrong, I can have new ones ordered.  I did not take the time to measure earlier." Do not let on this is something new and I had no idea what it was I was doing.  This was common.  This was romance.  Couple things, traditions I needed to learn no matter how little sense they made.

She eyed the sandals I carried with curiosity.  "Sandals Gaara?"

"They are orange." I held one up to prove the point.

"Yeah, I see that." A slight furrow of her brow made me go down to put them on her feet. 

I pushed the blankets up and began to slide the first one on.  Large.  They were too large.  "I will order you new ones, for when you will need to use them."  I sighed, but continued to slide them onto her feet.  She wouldn't be standing any time soon anyway, it would do for now.  They were close enough to at least stay on her feet without easily slipping off.

She shifted slightly.  "So... What are you doing exactly?"

I paused and looked up to her.  "I am putting these on your feet."  Obvious question deserved an obvious answer.  I tied up the first one tightly, but not so tight it would harm her.  I readied the next.

"Um, don't get me wrong but... Why?"

I stopped my motion of putting the second sandal on, it laying halfway up her foot.  "So I can tie them."

Her mouth opened and closed a moment and ended with another, "Why?"

I shifted my eyes back down to the sandal and finished putting it on her foot, then also tied it so it would be secure.  I thought back on the pamphlet so I knew to word it correctly.  I took a small breath and looked back up to my wife.  I tilted my head so I could gauge her reaction, hoping I had performed the odd tradition correctly.  "So you will not fall." 

She blinked a few times, opened her mouth, shut it and leaned back onto the pillows.  Then, she snorted and began to laugh.  "Thanks, Gaara.  I needed new shoes anyway, yeah?" She flashed me a bright smile with the words.

I breathed a sigh of relief.  I had done it correctly.  Step one of eleven complete.  I smiled back at her, the best I could.  Now what?  "Would you like ice-cream?" I had to finish the deal with the ice cream maker yet.  I had started the process during my week away from her, and was able to get a confirmation at more common special orders.  Without letting on about my wife and her condition, it was hard to explain why I needed it.

She lit up at the offer.  "You bet, I'm dying of hunger here." She winced at her own words and moved her head to look back up to the spiral.

Death.  It was what started this.  It was something I knew we needed to talk about, but not now.  I slipped my hand into hers, carefully removing my sand from the skin there.  "What flavor would you like?"

It was always better to talk about ice-cream.

.*.               .*.               .*.

Today, I decided I would pass the time with cards while I waited on my cupcakes to be delivered.  Day two of eleven.  I wasn't sure this one would go over as well as the previous day's task.  I didn't think it was meant to be done for pregnant women, and I had a feeling I would be feeding her the sweet treats in spite of the instructions making today an inevitable failure in the tradition spelled out in the small pamphlet.  Tomorrows task would be better, and even I could see the romantic side of the task.  This one seemed almost cruel, but who was I to argue with a list?  I sighed and placed another card on the sand table hovering over Naruto.

"Hey, where's your head at?  I'm starting to think you are purposely trying to lose." She played a card and I winced as she moved her peg further on the board.

I was being obvious, and it would be stupid to lie.  "My mind is elsewhere."

She frowned.  I disliked her frowns.  "Where is it then?"

I averted my eyes.  "Elsewhere." The cupcakes, the tasks coming up, the unmasking of my condition, the things I would do in order to deliver the perfect proposal.  None of which I could tell her, lest ruin the surprise.

She groaned but didn't respond or question me further, thankfully.  I would not have answered her, even if she had asked and this small fact I knew would upset her.  I didn't like upsetting her.  I wanted her to smile, smile because of me.  Be happy.  Live.  Be a mother, be my wife and I could spoil her as much as I was able.  This was what I desired.  Her.  A family with her, coming home to her, making her smile.  Holding her in my arms, letting her in, letting her touch.  I swallowed and moved my eyes toward the door.  They were late.  I wanted the cupcakes.  They were her favorite flavor, and I would feed them to her if she so desired, once I failed the day's objective. 

This one I didn't understand more than the rest of the tasks within the pamphlet, but I would not go against it.  I did however go into this one knowing this would be a complete and likely disastrous failure.  Which was why I ordered something I knew she would like.  Because I would cave, and let her have her sweets.  Because she was my wife, and more importantly, she was _Naruto_.

"Are you wanting to leave again?  You keep fucking looking at the damn door."

I stiffened.  _Obvious_.  I couldn't tell her.  "No, I promised to stay, and I will." I brought my eyes back to her and held her hand tightly when I felt her go to move it.  "I want to stay, Naruto."

If I had reconnected the machine, I was sure I would have heard the skip in her heart.  Her cheeks reddened and her eyes widened slightly before she averted them from me.  "Fine, alright then.  Whatever."

I felt my lips twitch upward at her words.  This relationship with her would be an interesting one.  She was so very stubborn.  I would break her though.  Bit by bit, I will make her look at me, make her want me.  Make her need me, in every way.  I will posses her, mind body and soul.  And it started with the shoes, and will continue with the cupcakes.  If they ever arrived.  I was starting to get annoyed.  I played another card and realized too late I lost the game with the simple move, the card on the discard pile the one I already knew she needed to make up the difference and move her peg to the end.

She snorted and did exactly what I assumed she would.  "I don't give a shit if you threw it or not, I fucking won."

I raised a brow at her as she did a small victory dance from her position on the bed.  There was a knock on the door and my nerves threatened to escape my skin.  I was about to piss off my very irritable wife.  The door opened and Shinki came in with half a dozen cupcakes.  Or five cupcakes.  "There is one missing."

He shrugged.  "Don't get it yourself, risk giving payment for delivery." He shoved them at me, gave a half wave to Naruto and slipped out of the room.  "Not dealing with this, just not dealing with it." He muttered before shutting the door.  I really did need to talk to him soon.  After I successfully wooed my lovely wife, of course.

I set the cupcakes halfway across the room on a small tray which was used when food was brought for her.  I sat back down, ignoring the bright orange colored sugary confection. 

"Cupcakes?"

I nearly winced at the bright eyed stare at the cupcakes I had delivered.  I considered myself lucky my wife had no energy to retaliate for what I was about to say.  I took a deep breath.  I could do this.  It was tradition.  It was the second thing in my list of things I must do to woo my Naruto.  "Yes."

She worried her lip in her teeth a moment, waiting for me to move the game from the table, instead I merely shuffled the cards and reset the pegs.  Shuffle, pretend nothing is strange with this.  I tensed as I waited for the question I knew would come.

"Well, aren't you going to give me one?  Cupcakes sound amazing."

I started to deal the cards.  "No."  Stay calm, don't give in, not yet.  I needed to finish it, no matter how successful the task would be in the end.

"Gaara." Her voice sounded dark.

I refused to look up and hummed in response.

"Why." It was more of a demand than a question.

"Because you are already too sweet."  I paused in my deal, my body stiffened, waiting for her reaction.

"Gaara."

I hummed, knowing I would likely be feeding her the treat soon.

"Give me a fucking cupcake."

I raised my hand up and reached out with my sand to bring the mostly intact tray of sweets to me.  I picked one out and held it up for her, expecting she would take it from my hands.

But she did not.  Instead, her lips twisted into a strange looking grin.  "Bring it closer."

I sighed, not sure what she was up to.  I did what she asked anyway to spite my unease.  Without warning she grabbed my wrist and my hand was at her mouth, my heart leaping instantaneously to to my throat.  "Wait, what are you-" She leaned forward and began eating the confection directly from my hand until it was gone.  I sat stiff in my chair, eyes wide as she ate.  Her grip was hot on my wrist, even though most of it was still covered in my armor.  She was so hot.  I could feel her.  It was nearly too much for me, yet I could not bring myself to move.  I stayed still, my breath hitching in my throat as her breath ghosted across my bare fingers.  Her face was so close to my hand, my very naked and unprotected hand.  I regretted not replacing my sand from holding her hand earlier as she grew dangerously close to my bare skin.  Her eyes fixated on my fingers and her grip on my wrist tightened.  "Naruto?"

She looked up at me with those brilliant eyes of hers and for a brief moment they seemed to darken.  Then, without breaking her contact with my eyes her tongue darted out and removed the stray frosting still residing on my fingers.  I gasped at the odd sensation of heat and wet and Naruto.  Naruto.  Her soft, very warm, very wet tongue, on me.  Me.  A jolt of sensation crawled up my arm, down my chest and settled deep into my abdomen.  My eyes widened.  Not again, not here, not now.  I jerked my hand away from her and quickly wrapped myself back into my sand.  Safe from sensation, safe from heat.  I held my hand to my chest as though it were burned, the odd feel of her tongue still lingering there on my finger in an odd happy little tingle.

She licked her lips and leaned back onto her pillow mountain.  "Serves you right for withholding my cupcake.  Jerk." She gave a small huff.  "Damn, always so tired..." She trailed off and soon her breath evened.  I leaned over the bed cautiously after taking care of the game.  Asleep.  Fast asleep.

I slumped down in my chair.  Nine more days of this.  I hoped the rest went better.

I swallowed and looked down at my hand.  My traitorous hand which had sent a strange thrill down to...

I needed to talk to Kankuro or Shinki.  Maybe they would know how to fix this.

.*.               .*.               .*.

Day three.  This would be more fun than the last two.  It seemed strange yet, but this one at least had a romantic edge to it.  I still didn't understand how tying shoes and teasing people with unreachable cupcakes was romantic, but then I didn't understand romance all that well in the first place.  I had tried to talk Temari out of marrying Shikamaru when I first found out about them.  It was an odd pairing.  Difficult.  What had been so special about him for her to give up so much of her life here in Suna, where I still needed her?

Now, I at least understood enough to make sense of it.  If she felt for him a small fraction of what I felt for my Naruto, then I could at least understand.  She was sleeping still, my wife.  It was perfect.  I gathered the supplies I needed to finish the third task, this time excited for what I was about to do.  I turned off every light and machine.  I sealed the door.  I placed a small, glowing blanket over her and waited anxiously for her to wake so I could deliver the third task.

I paced the floor in the darkness, the only light coming from the blanket on her.  Tomorrow before I came I would talk to Kankuro.  I wanted him to help me set up the next day's task, along with asking him about the other thing.  The more personal problem I had.  The one which hadn't left completely since Naruto had eaten frosting from my bare fingers.  If I could not stand even this simple touch, how was I ever going to kiss her?

I needed to practice.  Without my sand.  I had to develop an immunity to the touch.  I smiled at myself and heard a small movement from my wife's direction.  I felt my heart pound in my chest.  It was time.  "Good morning, Naruto."

"Why are the lights out?"

I pulled up a chair and caught the impression of where her eyes were in the dim light the blanket provided.  "Because who needs light, when you hold such brightness?"

She groaned, but said nothing else.  I smiled at my success.  The lights stayed off for the rest of the day as she filled it with idle chatter.  I was content so sit and listen in the dark, revelling in the sound of her voice.

.*.               .*.               .*.

"Kankuro, did you get the paint like I asked?"

He sighed and held the bucket up.  "I really don't even want to ask why you want to pain the room gray."

"Everything but the spiral."

"You make no fucking sense, Gaara."

I shrugged.  I didn't care if he thought I was being absurd about it.  "There are no clouds in Suna."

"I know."

"I need a gray sky." I walked past him and opened the door to her room.  "We have to do this by flashlight, I do not want to wake her with this."

He groaned and entered the room.  "Of all the crazy shit you've had me do, this has got to be the weirdest."

"That thing from the other day you took pleasure in had my face on it."

He paled at my words and brushed past me in a rush.  "Alright, alright, I get it.  Damn, no need to be all weird about it."

It took nearly an hours to paint the room, even with using my sand as extra painting hands.  I made a circular outline, leaving the small spiral on the ceiling.  I couldn't paint over it, it was... Too special to me.  Besides, I caught her looking up at it more often than even she would admit to.  I gathered the supplies and went into the hallway, shutting the door and allowing the substance to dry. 

"So, what are you up to anyway?"  He set his bucket down and frowned at me.  "I know you well enough there has to be a real reason behind all this, and you have been acting... Weird the past couple days."

I sighed and handed him the pamphlet I had folded into my pants.  "Temari said to follow these, and Naruto would say yes to my proposal."

He looked through the little thing and raised his brows at it.  "What a bitch." He cleared his throat and handed it back to me.  "Weird thing is, probably will work." He shook his head and sighed.  "You both are freaks, you know that?"

I frowned at him and looked at the pamphlet.  "Aren't these traditional ways to woo a woman?"

He smiled at me and smacked my shoulder.  "'Course it is, Gaara.  Don't you worry about it, you will have her at your mercy by the time you're done."

I folded it back up and returned it to my pants.  "I do hope you are correct."  I paused, remembering my other problem.  "Kankuro, before the attack, I went to see Kimiko about a... problem.  I asked Hinata about it, but I didn't get any solution to it."  I tilted my head, hoping to finally get an answer to my problem.  "Tell me, what does it mean to use self medication to relieve it?"

He stared at me, took a step back and held up his hand.  "This one, I refuse to answer.  Not this one, _never_."  He stressed the last word, a tinge of panic in his voice.

I was going to stop him from leaving when I realized we weren't alone in the hallway.  I allowed my brother his leave as I caught the eyes of my son.  "Shinki."  He heard my problem, even as embarrassing as it was, maybe he could...

"If you even _try_ to ask me, I will never speak to you again.  How about you ask your new wife, I am sure she would know." With that, Shinki slammed his door in my face.

I frowned at the door.  The problem had to be more embarrassing than the solution, so why was everyone skirting it?  I sighed.  When I showed Naruto my other, more obvious and permanent condition, perhaps I would ask her.  I went back into the room feeling a little dejected and noticed she was awake.  Staring at me with a very odd look on her face. 

"The room is gray."

I shut the door.  "Yes."

"Why is the room gray?"

I pulled the chair up to the bed.  "No wonder for all of the blue went to your eyes."  I used my sand to bring me the pack of cards I left on the small stand.

She stared at me as I made a table to play cards on.  "The room was white."

"Yes."  I clenched my jaw.  This task didn't work in Suna.  Without a blue sky comparison, it made no sense at all.  A complete failure.  "Cards?"  Pretend I hadn't done anything out of the ordinary, continue on with the day.

Tomorrow would be better.  It had to be.

.*.               .*.               .*.

I held the pack of pencils in my hand, waiting for her to notice them.  This one felt more personal, with our situation.  Soon, she did notice them.  And groaned.

I frowned at her.  "Is there something wrong?"

"Why do you have a pack of pencils?" She raised her brow at me.

I held them up.  "For you."

She watched me for a moment then gave an exasperated sigh.  "Alright, go for it.  Why you giving them to me?"

"They are unsharpened." I handed them to her.

She took them with a slight hesitation.  "Yeah, so?"

"Because there is no point to life without you."

I should have known this one was a mistake.  Her eyes instantly filled with tears and she doubled over, sobbing.

I was failing.  Failing miserably.  My heart twisted painfully in my chest at her reaction and I worked at fixing it.  If she said no at the end, I wouldn't blame her.

No, I would blame Temari.

Then feed her liver to Kankuro.

Because damn them both for letting me make Naruto cry like this.

.*.               .*.               .*.

Day six and Naruto stared at me incredulously as I held the sun lotion in my hands.  "If you put that damned shit on me, I will never fucking tell you what the baby is, then if I survive, I will run for it because you forced me to put chemicals on my body while I was inside, damn it.  It's fucking unnecessary."

I frowned at her, then looked down at the bottle.  Wait.  What did... "You know what the baby is?" My eyes were wide with the question.  She knew?  Was it a boy?  A girl?  I leaned forward, wanting to hear.

"Bottle first." She held out her hand, a stern frown set on her lips.

I sighed and handed the prop over.

She tucked it under her mass of pillows.  "Alright, what's it for?"  She crossed her arms over the lump, lightly resting them on the baby.

I kept my eyes on it.  "What is it?"

"First, your answer."

I tilted my head.  "To keep you from burning, because you are hot." In a way, it was true.  Though, I didn't understand why heat had anything to do with romance, or why I needed the lotion in the first place.

She laughed.  "Why do I get the feeling, you don't even understand this one entirely?"  She sighed and leaned back.  "Whatever.  How much longer are you going to be at this?"

"Five more."

She groaned.

"What is it?  The baby?" I flexed my hand, keeping it from wandering to where it lay inside of her.

"I'll tell you in six days." Her voice was monotonous with a slight gravel.

I was getting to be annoyed with these stupid romantic traditions.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting closer!  Only three more chapters before the delivery scene!  *Squeal!*  I am beyond ready to get it there.  There was just so much to get in before the baby though, I hope you liked this!  Can you guess what it was Temari gave Gaara to enact?  Poor Naruto hehehe.
> 
> Anyway, reviews/comments always serve to inspire :D


	12. 11 Ways to Woo a Lady Days 7-9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to get this chapter out.  Just to get you something to read so you guys don't have to wait another day for the chapter, I decided to split it up.  Turns out, I don't write as much when I have to work a full 40 hr week of all morning shifts, so it's probably a good thing I work part time normally lol.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy the chapter, there will be another one tomorrow (Or later today since for me it is already after midnight)
> 
> As always, reviews/comments serve to inspire.

 

** Naruto **

I woke up with a slight sense of dread.  I had no idea what Gaara was up to today, but if he tried rubbing any more strange chemicals on my body while I was pregnant, I was going to throttle him.  Alright, maybe a little harsh, it was suntan lotion not exactly strange, but what the hell?  I'm confined to a bed, inside a room.  A very gray room.  I sighed.  Well, it was at least different from the stark white it had been, but couldn't he have picked a more interesting color?  He wasn't here yet, and since he wasn't I had the feeling he would be bringing something to carry out the day's weirdness.  After today, four more days of weird and then I would tell him. 

I rubbed the skin over my daughter with a sigh.  "Hey, just to warn you little one, your Dad's a bit weird." I giggled when she moved enough for me to feel it with my hand.  "Yeah, you already know, don't you?"  I rubbed her, enjoying the feel of her movement.  It was so weird, sometimes painful now, but always amazing.

What was my strange husband going to do today?  I smirked.  Husband.  Gaara, my husband.  So weird, yet just thinking it made my chest tingle with warmth and my stomach gained butterflies.  I'm so freaking weird.  I rubbed her again.  "Your mom, she is weird too." I laughed at it and relaxed on my pillows.  I could handle whatever he did, as long as he didn't keep me from having cupcakes again.  The bastard thought he could actually get away with it.  I looked over to the door.  At any moment, the red haired porcelain skinned beauty would be walking through it with some weird prop and some cheesy pick up line.  What was he up to anyway?  I kept reminding myself he was at least trying.  This within itself was what I wanted.  Time, and I was getting time with him.  It was just... Getting weird.

The door finally opened, and there he was, in his complete and porcelain, straight faced beauty.  Damn, but a man shouldn't look so freaking pretty.  He was holding a cup of milk and pulled a chair up to him with sand.  The stuff was like a third limb, he used it so much.  I hadn't realized how much he used it on day to day things until I was here, with him in my room like this.  Half the time, he didn't even have to look for what he was grabbing for, he just _knew_ somehow.  It was cool.  Creepy, yeah, but pretty damn cool.  After I got over my initial 'he's going to kill me with the stuff' phobia, I was able to really appreciate the unique way he used it.  How he fought with it, how he...

"Milk." A statement, soft and monotonous.  He held the cup up to me, his face completely unreadable.

I sighed.  Milk.  Whatever weird thing he had planned for today, had to do with milk.  How wonderful.  I took the glass from him, and in spite of whatever he had planned for it, I really, really just wanted to drink it.  Before he could stop me, I downed it, savoring the way the cold slid down my throat and settled deep inside, coating me.  I gave a satisfied 'Ah' and handed him back the glass.  "Thanks."  Maybe it wasn't part of the day's whatever it was.  I smiled at him warily.  If this wasn't his thing, it meant it would be coming later.  I didn't exactly want to think about what weirdness he would spring on me all day.

He moved the glass over to the small table on the other side of the room, left only as a gathering spot of random things Gaara brought into to the room since he formed a table over me every time I needed to eat, or play cards, or other things.  He averted his eyes from me and took a deep breath.  "You must drink a lot of milk."

I frowned.  Maybe I was wrong.  "Not really."

He shifted in his chair and I seen a small muscle in his jaw move.  I wanted to reach out and touch it, but I knew to spite it's smooth porcelain look his skin felt like freaking sand paper, and I wasn't in the mood to lose a layer of skin today.  "You must." His voice hitched slightly with the words, his eyes glued to the blank, gray wall.

I groaned.  Yup, definitely part of whatever he was up to.  Might as well go with it.  "Why?"

He cleared his throat and kept his eyes trained on the wall.  Soon, I heard a slight cracking sound, and a slight line began to form on his face.  My eyes widened at it and my stomach twisted.  "Are you-"

"Because you have a good body." His voice was strained with the quickly spoken words.  The cracking became louder and more lines appeared on his face, the lines deepening in appearance.

Oh.  Oh my god, he's _blushing_.  I smiled at him, a wide smile followed by a small laugh.  "Priceless, my god Gaara, you're fucking priceless." I relaxed into the pillows behind me and let myself laugh.  He just embarrassed himself, with something as simple as a pick up line.  At least, it seemed like a pick up line.  Was this what he was up to?  Enacting pick up lines?  He was so freaking innocent it was ridiculous.  I was sure he had no idea what he was doing after this one.  He would never say half these things unless he was prompted to do it.  Hell with it, no matter how annoying his actions were, whoever was responsible for this shit was going to get a giant thank you.  I would treat them to ramen.  Heck, I would learn to bake and make them their own damn cupcakes if I had to.

I heard more of the cracking, then a small gasp.  His eyes widened and he stood so fast the chair fell over.  "Excuse my absence." He fled from the room, the cracks steadily crawling down his arms and neck.

"Gaara?"  I flinched slightly from the slamming of the door behind him.  I wasn't sure why he left in such a huff beyond being embarrassed.  It's why his face cracked, wasn't it?  I smirked at the door, silently wanting to embarrass him on purpose just to gauge the reaction.  I didn't see him again for the rest of the day.

I didn't care.  I saw him blush, or what I at least assumed was the equivalent to a blush.  I laughed at the memory of the odd look on his face as the cracks deepened on his skin, threatening to expose it.  Gaara was trying, no matter his personal cost.  This fact alone was enough for me.

.*.               .*.               .*.

When I woke next, I found at the foot of my bed a giant, self-standing whiteboard.  I frowned at it when I realized the culprit of the strange object was not in the room with the item.  I shifted in my bed, something which was beginning to get easier for me as every day passed.  I was thankful for this.  If I was able to get enough strength in the next month, I might be able to pull through.  See my daughter with my own eyes, hold her with my own arms.

Jump my damned fickle husband.  He probably wouldn't even kiss me before she came out of me, so if I miraculously made it through, I was going to do it.  Sand or not.  Fuck his ideals and personal space issues.  If I managed to live through it, I would happily have a face full of sand.

"You have been getting plenty of sleep?" I flinched at the voice which was soft and feminine. 

I turned my head to see a... person.  I think it was a person.  "You have more clothes on than Shino."

I had no idea if this person thing cared.  I could barely see it's face, but from the voice I was going to assume this was a woman.  Maybe.  I've been wrong before.  Instead, the person turned and began to grab at my blankets.

I slapped her gloved hand away.  I decided this person was a woman.  "Name, reason and explanation before I let you get near me."

A sigh.  Her visored head turned to me so I could see... The shine in her visor.  How damned annoying.  "I am a doctor, the only one the Kazekage trusts with his own healthcare.  I am here to check on his child as well as administer a shot to his wife.  You are his wife, aren't you?"

The only word I comprehended of this was 'shot'.  "What do you mean a shot?"

She reached into a fold of her garment and pulled a small needle with a vial attached.  She held it up slightly.  "A shot."

"I mean, why do I need a shot?" I tried to scoot away from her on the bed.  Gaara never mentioned me getting a shot before, he would have known and approved of it, wouldn't he have?  But if he did, where was he?

She moved to push the chair next to the bed.  Gaara's chair.  "He does not know I am here.  He would want an explanation, one I cannot give." She sat down and removed one of her gloves and held out a pale hand.  "Arm."

"Why do I need the shot, and if he doesn't know, why in the hell should I trust you?"

She lowered her hand and stilled.  A minute or two went by and she reached up, grabbed her visor and pulled it down.  Her eyes were weird, swirling, pale.  As though I were looking into a whirlwind of clouds.  "My name is Kimiko, your husband, Lord Gaara Sabaku once spared my life as a child." She leaned forward.  "You should understand the significance of this.  He never spared anyone's life.  Not before you.  I owe him my existence.  If it means I help him keep the thing he can finally find happiness with, then I shall do it.  Do you understand?"

"I... Why would he have...?" The meaning of her words slowly sunk in.  _Before_ me.  Gaara, before me, was an insane bastard.  _Thousands_.  I gave a small shudder as I thought about what might have been if I hadn't knocked some sense into the guy.  If I hadn't seen the pain hiding behind the crazy.

"Someone called me a monster, instead of him." Her voice carried the same emotionless monotone Gaara always spoke with.

Monster.  "I'm not a big fan of that term."

"Neither was he." She held out her hand again.  "I have worked through different scenarios, and having this in your system is the only one I see with a possibility."

I sighed and moved my arm so she could easily reach it.  I looked up to the spiral, hoping she didn't just want to off me earlier than I would likely die because of some weird crush or something.  I felt something tighten around my arm.  "Possibility of what?"

"Where you can see your daughter grow up."

I hissed as a sharp pain erupted near the crook of my elbow, then a searing heat seemed to spread from the place she injected me.  I tried to move my arm, but she held me tight.  "You trying to kill me or something lady?"  I looked up to her, but her face was completely blank, her eyes almost fully white as they swirled.

"No."

I tried to move my arm again, whimpering as the pain continued to spread.  "What in the hell did you do to me?"

"She is going to be beautiful, Kisarei, your daughter." She looked away from me.  "The pain, it will fade soon.  Chakra from anyone besides the family of your daughter causes you pain, so forgive me on this."

Chakra?  "You injected me with chakra?"

"Not exactly." She stood then and replaced her glove.  "It was a catalyst, to make you immune to my own chakra.  So you will be able to receive it during the birth without placing you into more danger than you already are."

Bit by bit I processed what she told me.  "How do you know?  About my daughter."

She turned from me.  "I seen her."

She was damn creepy, but my heart twisted.  "What will she look like?" My voice pitched on the question.

She turned to me, replaced her visor and shook her head.  "No, to tell you is to lose hope of you seeing her yourself.  Will yourself to live, Lady Kisarei.  For them both, will yourself to live."

I could only stare after her as she quietly left the room, leaving me alone and in pain.  Though, this pain was tolerable compared to what I had felt during my main transition.  This was more a dull, fading ache.  Fading being key.  A catalyst?  What did it even mean?  I rubbed my arm where I received the shot.  Bruising.  How was I going to explain this to Gaara without getting his doctor in trouble?

On cue, the door opened, revealing the porcelain skinned man.  I smiled at him, causing him to hesitate a moment before continuing in.  He frowned at the chair, then sat down in it.  I kept my hand on the crook of my arm hoping he wouldn't notice, but his eyes gravitated to it in seconds.  "Who was here?" He grabbed hold of my arm and easily brushed my hand away.  His frown deepened at seeing the bruise. "What happened." I winced as his grip tightened on my arm.

"She said her name was Kimiko.  She's kinda weird, yeah?"

He dropped my arm and sighed.  "Yes, she is." He trained his face back to his usual, blank expression and his eyes drifted to the board at the end of the bed.  An odd look crossed his features so quick I barely had time to notice.  Had I even blinked, I would have missed it.  Pain?

I ignored the odd prop and instead focused on him.  "You alright?"

"I trust her.  I trust her with everything which matters to me." With this he stood and gripped the board.  He gave a small sigh.  "I cannot explain today.  Forgive me, I hope you understand."

Whether he meant today's odd task or the woman, I wasn't sure.  "What's to forgive?"

The odd look once again passed over his features.  Was he hiding something, or was he just... A painful twist in my chest reminded me about the possibility I would die soon.  That he knew I could.  Without another word, he twisted the board around and the other side was covered with letters.  I stared at it a moment before reading through it.  There had to be something here.  A-b-c-d-e-f-g-h-j-k-l-m-n-o-p-q-r-s-t-u-i-v-w-x-y-z.

I blinked at it.  He didn't.  I read it over again, and yes, he very well _did_.  He rearranged the alphabet to put u and i together.  I snickered at it.  This man.  This man was so damned _beautiful_.  You and I, together.  Yes, as long as he wanted me, I would stay for as long as this stupid body of mine allowed it.  I smiled dumbly at the board.  He was trying, even if he didn't understand what he was doing.  As stupid and cheesy as it all was, it very well might have been the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me.  Ever.  I felt tears well up in my eyes, my vision blurring slightly as I stared at the silly thing.  Just before we started dating, when I decided Hinata would be the person I would invest myself in, she made me a scarf.  She was so damned weird back then.  Still was, probably would always be and-

Why was I thinking about Hinata at a time like this?  I used the back of my hands to wipe the tears away from my eyes.  Gaara was standing at the foot of my bed, a slight look of panic set on his face.  Yet, his entire body was rigid, as though he were afraid to move.  "Gaara?"

"I... I've done something wrong." His eyes downcast and the rigid posture changed just enough for his shoulders to slump.

Somehow, this caused more tears.  After all this effort, he thought he was failing at... whatever it was he was trying to do.  After all this was over, I would ask him what it was all about.  I raised my hand up to wipe my tears away again, not sure why I was crying in the first place and was stopped.  I gasped at the rough feel of his still sand covered hands at my wrists.  I looked into his eyes and found myself wondering how he could even see out of them.  I didn't get it.  He moved one of his hands to the corner of my eye and I felt the wetness move away from my skin.  "How do you even see?"

He froze, then tilted his head.  "I never have given this any thought."  He gave a minute shrug then dabbed at my other eye.  "I find it unimportant." He let me go and looked down at his hand as though it were the most fascinating thing on the planet.  "I made you cry."

My heart dropped.  Oh.  He was looking at my tears.  "I'm not sad, Gaara.  Stop being so hard on yourself.  I'm supposed to be emotional, aren't I?" I pointed at my large belly where our daughter lay.

He frowned and shifted his eyes back to me.  "I do not understand entirely, but I will concede.  For now."  He sat down next to me and pulled the sand back from his hand.  Soon, the heat of his hand, the softness of his skin was on mine.

I hummed at the sensation, my favorite part of all this was touching him.   _Him_ , not his sand.  His steady heat seeped into my hand and travelled through my body, making every ache and pain go away leaving only the constant tired I felt these days.  Tired was better than pain.  I studied him as he held my hand.  He wasn't looking at me, but towards my stomach, a furrow on his brow.

Worried.  I could tell.  I wanted to say something, comfort him.  Tell him everything would be alright, but I didn't even know that myself.  I wanted to tell him I would live, and I would be here.  I wanted to tell him he wouldn't have to raise her alone, tell him we both would live through this.  I swallowed.  No.  I couldn't.  Because it was still very possible I could die.  I closed my eyes, happy I wasn't connected to the all revealing monitor and worked at trying to fall asleep, not ready to fully talk to him about it yet.

Not yet.  I know I would need to.  But not yet.

.*.               .*.               .*.

I gasped as I was woken with a harsh shake of my body.  I glared at the red haired man who was waking me.  "What the damn hell?"

"You are awake." Blank face.

I groaned.  "I wasn't." Would prefer to still not be.

He handed me a jewel adorned sleeping mask.  I stared at the thing.  Entirely encrusted with tiny gems, each one caught the light and glimmered, creating a thousand tiny rainbows around the room.  "A sleeping mask."

"Are these things real?" I studied it.  What was the point of so much wealth poured into something as mundane as a sleeping mask?

"It had to be as beautiful as your rest makes you."  The steady, gravel tone to his voice paired with his blank faced look only made his statement feel more serious.

"Don't get me wrong, but this thing is prettier than I'll ever be." These pick up lines were getting to be too much.

His eyes narrowed and sand covered fingers brushed lightly against my chin.  He leaned in and my eyes gravitated towards his pale lips.  I willed him to kiss me, just to lean down and brush them against my own.  Sand or not, I didn't care.  Instead, he hovered there, his breath tickling my cheek as he spoke.  "You may not see it, but you are the most beautiful thing in all of Suna.  Not even this mask can compare." With this, he let go of my chin, turned and walked away.

I was speechless as he opened the door and left me alone with the day's gift.  I gripped it firmly in my hand.  A heat rose within my cheeks and I gave a small nervous laugh as my heart sped up in my chest.  His cold intensity, it could burn me alive if I weren't careful.

Man, I better fucking live through this.  I took a deep breath and willed my heart to stop fluttering in my chest.  I love him.  I love him so damn much.  In a way, his words were almost better than a kiss.  I wondered what such a touch would be like with him.  Those cold pale lips on mine.  If he put as much intensity into a kiss as he did with that statement, I could die.

I knew I had some weird smile on my lips, and I didn't care.  I slipped the mask on my head and settled into my pillows.  Damn, he could wake me up like that any day.

.*.               .*.      .         .*.

For once, I felt rested when I woke next.  Maybe this mask thing had something to it after all.  I gave a small sigh as I stretched the thing over my head.  Then I screamed.  I stared at my intruder as though he grew a second head.  It took me a second to recognize who it was considering I had never seen the kid without his makeup past the age of seven.  "What is it with you people and the hovering?"

Shinki stood over me, uncomfortably close, his eyes narrowed and completely unfazed by my scream.  Freaking creepy.  He leaned away from me, sat down then folded his arms.  He gave a small shrug and looked away from me.  "Uncle told me to bring you dinner."

"Kankuro?"

Another small shrug accompanied only by silence.

I sighed.  "You gonna say why?" My stomach felt as though it dropped to my knees as a sense of dread began to set in.

"Said we should talk."

"Should we?" I swallowed.  It would be pointless if I died.  If I lived, I could try and figure out what to do about him.  Right?

"No." His eyes shifted back to me.  He uncrossed his arms and leaned forward, placing his weight on his arms which now draped over his thighs.  He sighed.  "However, it was ordered of me."  His gaze pierced through me in their intensity.

I couldn't keep it, I moved my head so I could look at my little spiral Gaara left on the ceiling for me.  Why he left it, I wasn't sure, but I was thankful for it.  "Alright, shoot then." I swallowed again.  The look he had been giving me was hardly a friendly one, and I could only imagine what he thought about all of this.  I had barely spared the kid a thought, how he would feel, but that look he had...

"You are not my mother, nor will you ever be, _Uncle_ _Naruto_." His voice was cold, precise and as sharp as knives.

Well, the tone alone was enough to say he didn't exactly approve of all this.  I bit at my lower lip.  Mother.  Me, mother.  It sounded so weird, so wrong.  Even for me, after all these months trying to come to terms with the fact I was going to give birth it sounded wrong.  I was a man.  A guy's guy.  A guy who would be a mother soon.  I couldn't say anything.  What was I supposed to say?  I wasn't entirely ready to be my daughter's mother, though I desperately wanted her.  I know I wasn't ready to start now, with Gaara's son.  It was something I figured I would deal with if I woke up the day after the baby was born so I just didn't put a ton of thought into it.

"I don't fully understand all of... Of this." He emphasized the last word as though it were a hiss.  "Look at me, I deserve your attention, don't I?"

I closed my eyes, took a small breath through my nose and turned my head to him.  I wasn't ready to face him yet.  It was one thing to have the support of Gaara's siblings, it was another entirely to get the approval of his only son.  I hadn't considered Gaara's thoughts on any of this, and I knew his son was an afterthought.  I didn't want to admit it to him.  Hell.  My own damn kids ended up being somewhat of an afterthought in all this.  Did they even know I was alive?  I should ask.  I didn't want to remind Gaara I have another family.  Outside Suna.  With Hinata.  It felt like a lifetime ago.

"Stop spacing out.  Now I'm here, I want to know.  I get Father, he's had an obsession with you for longer than I've been alive.  I get it.  Him, I get."  He shifted his weight and he leaned on the bed, his beady little eyes dissecting me only from a foot away now.

Unconsciously I leaned away from him and regretted it the moment I noticed what I did.  It was amazing how different he was from Boruto.  He was calm, calculating and sometimes sarcastic.  The kid always made me a little uncomfortable, but he reminded me of Gaara.  Also, of Kankuro.  He was like a blend of them, in spite of being adopted.

"Do I make you nervous, Uncle?" He smirked.  "In that case, I'm staying right here while I continue.  Sounds nice, doesn't it?"

Not really, how about you just sit back down? "It's fine." Liar.

He scoffed then stood.  His face blanked entirely, a mirror of his father's.  Then, he sat down on the bed, his arms crossed.  "What I don't like is you never gave him a choice.  He would have chose you, had you asked him.  I know him well enough to understand this.  Why didn't you ask?"

I groaned into a sigh.  This conversation was going to happen.  Now.  Whether I was ready for it or not.  "I wanted to." I didn't know how much of my situation I could really tell him, but I hoped I could figure out a nice middle ground.  Unlike his uncle, I was sure rambling wouldn't deter him from getting a real answer from me. 

He sat and kept his eyes glued to me as he seemed to contemplate his next question.  It really was amazing, how much like his father he was.  "How?"

I blanched.  This was the one question I didn't want to answer.  "How what?"

His trained face lost it's blank and he gained the oddest look I had ever seen on the kid's face I'd ever seen.  "Everything.  How _everything_.  How did you even get pregnant, how did you get my Father to- no I don't need to know this one.  Just how."

He was having trouble with my... girl.  I was having trouble with it myself.  How would I explain without getting into detail?  Keep it simple.  I could do that.  I think.  "I made a wish.  It came true."  My voice sounded more hoarse than I intended it to.

"You made a wish."

I nodded.

He frowned.  "For what?"

I swallowed, staying quiet while I thought of a less crude answer than 'to be ravished by your father'.  I settled on something similar, but less telling.  "I wished to be with your father."

His eyes glided over to my stomach, then back to me.  "That... Is disgusting."  I made a mental not the kid was not as innocent as his father.  "And you wished to be a girl for it to happen?  You know, guys can-"

"I know."  I glared at him.  "The wish was an accident."

"So you really didn't want to be with him."

I gave an exasperated sigh.  "Yes, I did.  I meant I didn't mean to make the wish for it to actually _happen_." I felt the heat rise in my cheeks.  Me.  With _him_.  A flash of a memory, of him inside me, of heated breath and-  I cleared my throat and looked away from him.  Even this one moment was more.  More than I ever felt with her.  With anyone.  And I was thinking of it, while talking to his _son_.  I'm disgusting.

"You love him?" He seemed unfazed by my obvious thought process.

I nodded, not sure I could speak normally with the thoughts I had running through my mind.

"How long."

Damn, this kid was going to be good at interrogation.  "How long I've been in love with him?"  He remained silent and I knew I was correct.  Gaara.  Beautiful, stoic and porcelain Gaara.  How long indeed.  Since before he died.  I thought about it for a while now.  I still hadn't pinpointed the exact moment.  For me, a major turning point had been that handshake between us.  Yet, I remember how much it hurt.  To hold his cold hardened body in my arms.  My heart clenched at the memory.  Alive.  He's alive.  Breathe. 

But when, _exactly_?  "I'm not sure."  It was the truth.  I didn't love him when I first met him, that's for sure.  Half way through the fight, I knew I had to save him.  When I realized the pain he felt was the same as mine, I knew I had to do everything I could to save him.  Even if it meant killing him, along with me in the process.  The next time I seen the guy was when I was in the hospital after I failed to drag Sasuke back.  I was sure I didn't love him then, either.  Did I?  He merely entered the room, stared at me a while, I returned the stare, and he left without another word.  A silent, but mutual understanding of what happened.  He knew what I felt in the moment.  I knew he understood, and it was enough.  Back then, it was simply enough to have someone who understood.

"Not sure as in recently, or not sure as in -I cannot remember a time I've not been in love with him?"

"Lemme think." Where was the shift?  After that, I seen him occasionally, but mostly in passing.  I gave him the nickname no brows because, well, obvious.  Same as bushy brows, bug boy and all the others.  Just what I did back then.  I was kind of a creep.  Still am, since I still use most of those nicknames.  Used to use them.  Would I ever see any of them again?  No, idiot, don't think about this shit.  _Clear your mind_.  So when?  The assassination attempt was the next time I really spent any time with him.  It pissed me off.  Just stand back, let them do what they needed to.  Jerks.  I still had trouble believing they would go to such a damned extreme to kill him.  Wait.  That was before Sasuke left, why didn't I remember he... My eyes widened.  I _knew_.  I knew the exact place I fell for him, even if I didn't know at the time.  It confused me, so I buried it.  Chalked it off as admiration and never thought about it again.  Until he fought without Shukaku, when he could have used him.  Here, with him protecting Matsuri.  I remember, I felt something change.  A pang of some sort.  I wanted to stay longer than I was supposed to.  I wanted to talk his ear off.  Damn.  That was a long time ago.  "I was twelve.  Kinda gradual, ya know.  I hated him, at first.  Then, I connected to him, more than anyone.  After they tried killing him, on our first official mission together, we bonded more.  I told him about my dream of being Hokage.  Told him being Kazekage might change things for him too.  Make people want to support him instead of them trying to off him all the time, ya know." I sighed and noticed his eyes go wide.  "I couldn't get him out of my head.  It only got worse as time went on.  By the time I went to go train, he was so stuck in my mind, I made a clone that looked just like him.  Made him permanent so it wouldn't just keep showing up every time I made one."

"Gaaruto?"

I tensed.  "You know him?  He didn't..." He wouldn't have.  He... He just wouldn't have, would he?

"No.  He's weird though.  Asked me where my uncle was a while back, pointed him to his room."

"Eeew." I said it before I could stop the sound from exiting my mouth.  Just before he seduced Kankuro then.  So damned wrong.  I sighed.  "To be honest, I wonder if I figured it out once.  I have this chunk of my memory just missing when it comes to him.  Gaaruto.  He won't tell me why."

Silence.  It stretched on until I shifted, uncomfortable with his unmoving stare.  "Twelve?"

I gave a small nod.

"Why didn't you do anything about it then?"

I almost laughed at the question.  "He's a guy.  He is Gaara and I still have a little trouble telling the difference between loving ramen, and loving people.  I always figured, Gaara equals best friend.  Just cause I would get weird thoughts about him, only meant I was a little weird."

His face scrunched with that one.  He looked back to my stomach.  "Do you know what it is?"

"Yup.  I can tell you if you promise not to tell your dad.  I want to tell him.  It's the only thing I'll be able to tell myself."

"I can promise."

I smiled at him.  Maybe it would be alright with him after all.  "A girl."

A slight furrow formed on his brow.  "A sister then." His voice was almost dark.  Hesitant.

Or maybe it wouldn't be.

He never said another word.  For a while he just kept his eyes on me, then for a while he sat back in the chair and looked up to my spiral.  Then, he simply got up from the chair and hesitated half way to the door.  He pulled something from his pocket, placed something on the table across the room and left.  The door clicked softly behind him, leaving me only to stare after him.  What was I going to do about him?

Also, what the hell did he leave me on the table?  I groaned.  "Perfect."  What a way to make an impression.


	13. 11 Ways to Woo a Lady Days 9-12

 

 

# Naruto

After the incident with Shinki, I was beyond ready for the next day of weird to begin.  I didn't want to think about it, I didn't want to stress about it.  Two days of this left.  Then, I would tell Gaara he was going to have a daughter.  A little girl.  I wonder what his reaction will be.  Would he smile one of his rare, beautiful smiles?  Maybe he would simply nod and stare at my abdomen for a while.  Maybe he would just sit there and stare and not let on he never wanted a girl in the first place.  I sighed.  I was over thinking this.  Probably because I was left alone in the room with nothing to do.  Again.  I read through everything left for me, and all I could see was a bump in the table across the room.

I was fixated on it.  What in the hell was it?  I shifted in my bed and sat fully up.  Maybe I could get there.  I was almost to the point I could move now.  What was a few steps anyway?  I was just being a damned wimp.  I forced my legs over the bed and tried to ignore the slight wave of nausea the movement caused.  I leaned forward.  I could do this.  It was just a few feet there, then a few feet back.  I could do this.  Come on Naruto you weak idiot, stop being such a damn girl.  I winced.  Wimp, I corrected the word in my head.  No getting around the girl part. 

Focus.  I placed my hands to either side of me, willing my weight to transfer to my legs, but they felt like pudding and barely moved enough to do much of anything.  Damn it.  I shifted forward a bit further.  Then again.  I could move.  I had to.  I needed my strength back.  I looked down, noticing by sitting up it made my stomach look even larger.  I rubbed it, trying to ignore the fatigue setting into my arms and legs created by just sitting up and draping my legs over the bed.  "Want to see what your brother left?" I smiled when I felt a movement beneath my hand.  Could be coincidence, but I took it as an answer.  I moved my hands back down to the bed, and gripped the sides of it.  Just a few feet. 

With a deep breath, I shoved myself from the bed, took a single step and my legs gave out entirely, buckling from beneath me and I crumpled to the ground in a twisted heap.  I was barely able to shift in time not to land on my own daughter.  "Ow, god damn it, this fucking sucks." I said it to the gods.  Whoever might listen that had any power.  Was all I'm allowed to have is a simple glimpse of what happiness could be?  I winced and moved to my side, curling my legs up to my chest as much as I could considering my stomach constraints.  Would I ever walk again?  I'm so worthless.  Gaara deserved someone stronger than me, someone who could at least go to the bathroom without the help of a nurse. It had become so everyday anymore.  Yet.

I want to live.  I want to have this.  I want to walk.  I want to hold her, I want to hold him, I want to feel Kurama again, I want to just be me.  I didn't feel like myself anymore.  My body had given out without my permission.  This child, I was doing it for this child.  For Gaara.  The possibility of being with him.  Really being with him, and it felt like the possibility was being ripped from my arms.  Just out of reach.  This wasn't just for me, was it?  Couldn't I stay around and try and make him happy?  Couldn't the world allow this one small thing for him?  Wasn't he allowed to be happy?

I couldn't feel my limbs anymore and a small numbness set it as I laid on the cool hard floor of my room.  I sighed through the tears I hadn't realized I had cried.  I licked the salty moisture from my lips and closed my eyes.  There would be no getting up by myself.  He would know.  He would lecture me about being reckless, but what I dreaded most would be seeing his disappointment.  Or lack of it.

I should have stayed in bed.

.*.               .*.               .*.

What I noticed first when I woke up was the fact I was comfortable.  Way too comfortable for being on the floor. _I'm found out_.  I opened my eyes with apprehension, knowing I would be lectured about not taking care of myself.  Hell, he went crazy over a stupid clone.  So me trying to walk by myself, falling into a heap on the floor and falling asleep there would likely make him go nuts.  I locked eyes with him as soon as I opened mine.  His eyes seemed too bright.  Too calm.  Too not angry. "Gaara?"

"If you ever attempt such a thing again, I will personally remove your legs." His eyes were still bright, but his voice was dark and serious.

There we go, the Gaara I know and love.  I sighed while I watched an odd smile rise to his lips as he studied me.  "Why are you so happy about it?"

The smile disappeared so fast I almost thought I imagined it in the first place.  "If you ever attempt such a thing again." He stressed the word with a narrowing of his eyes, leaving the sentence to finish there, the threat unspoken yet palpable.

My heart twisted and I gave a silent nod.  Not what he was smiling about, obviously.  I looked to the table and found Shinki's object missing.  Had he come back to retrieve it?  No, I doubted he would have left me on the floor.  _You will never be my mother_.  I didn't want to be, but I wanted to at least get along with the kid.  I sighed, maybe he did come back and get it, laughing about my predicament.  Nah, I doubt he would be so vindictive, just because he wasn't happy about his Uncle Naruto going girl and having his dad's baby.  I frowned as the words put themselves together inside my mind and I realized how terrible the entire sentence sounded when put together in such a way.  No wonder the kid looked at me the way he did.  I'm such a damn freak.

Gaara shifted, letting me out of the thoughts I didn't want to continue with.  I studied him instead.  His arms were crossed and a stern look settled on his face.  A stern look which consisted of barely narrowed eyes and a slight furrow between his smooth skinned brows.  My fingers twitched with the desire to touch him there and smooth the wrinkle out.  I was the cause of the wrinkle and I hated it.

"Why?" His lips barely moved with the whisper, but it was almost loud within the silence which had followed his previous statement.

"I wanted to see what Shinki left." It was dumb.  I knew it, and it was not the entire reason I did it.  I looked away from him and gave the rest of my reason.  "I should at least be able to fucking stand on my own."

"Vulgar." A simple word, one I was sure he meant to end the conversation with. 

I heard the door open and I turned my head, hoping he hadn't left me again.  Instead, it was something unexpected.  A floating ball of sand, a large one.  It came towards us and I noticed the odd lopsided smile returned to Gaara's pretty lips.  Damn I wanted to touch him.  I licked my lips and noticed his eyes widen ever so slightly at the gesture then darted to the ball of sand.  Butterflies erupted in my stomach.  Was he thinking about kissing me as well?

He held out his hand and the ball landed gently in his hand.  Without turning back to me he spoke.  "It took me a little while to figure out how I would do this one.  Flowers are not always common here, so to find something artificial was particularly difficult for me."

I watched in awe as the ball slowly disintegrated, wisps of sand falling away from the carefully constructed orb.  It fell, then swirled around his form.  His eyes slid over to me and with a twitch of his lip the sand began to dance.  It was the best description I could attribute to what happened next.  The sand swooped upwards in a jerk, then floated in a giant cloud just above my head.  It floated in a small swarm of grains moving in slow motion.  They flowed smoothly in the air imitating a real cloud and forcing my attention away from Gaara and to the display above of me.  Soon, the clouds were swirling, almost violent, into something which reminded me of a flock of starlings.  Then, the ball rose up, the sand it was made of still ebbing out into the cloud, making the cloud grow larger.  Once the ball was no longer a ball, but a long tube instead, the cloud dissipated into thin ribbons of condensed sand.  They caught an invisible wind and began to flow and twist around the bed, then back up to the tube.  One by one the small ribbon strands tied around the tube until each ribbon was successfully attached and stretched out like a fan.  They began to spin around the tube, drawing tighter, and tighter until all the sand surrounded the tube in a swirling mass.  Once they settled onto the tube it lowered to me, hovered in front of me, then stopped.

"Hold out your hand."

His gravelly voice startled me back into the present and I did as I was told.  The sand drifted into my hand and what was left of the tube above the ribbons began to drift away.  I gasped at what was beneath.  I understood the ribbons now, they served as a vase for what lay beneath the sand.  Flowers.  Brilliant white lilies wrapped together with a red silk ribbon tied in a bow.  "You brought me flowers?" I tore my eyes away from them to watch the man who brought them.

He hummed, then the odd little smile returned.  He reached inside his shirt and pulled out another flower.  A different flower, one which was bulkier and smooth.  When he went to hand it over there was a small hollow rattling sound and my heart caught in my throat.  Was it.. Could it really be a rattle?  His eyes moved down to the item and his smile widened, as wide as I'd ever seen him smile, anyway. "After looking without success, I decided to ask my son about making me a flower from wood.  He did not respond, nor did he open the door when I asked him through it." 

He held the rattle out to me and I took it, the soft rattling sound making my stomach twist.  "This is what he left?"

He hummed.  "I was surprised." 

I felt my own smile start.  I gave it a small shake.  My smile widened with the hollow melody it created.  My daughter's first rattle, carved by her own brother.  It was perfect.  "Thank him for me?"

He stayed silent.  Then, he tilted his head.  "You should."

My smile fell.  "I don't think that's a good idea."  He merely hummed.  His eyes still stayed on me, as though there was something else he wanted to say.  Before long, his silence was deafening. "What?"

"The flowers." His face no longer held the smile, instead he looked quite serious.

I looked at the flowers in my hands, all of them.  The rattle and the bouquet wrapped in a sand vase.  I knew he was still holding it, as the weight was impossibly light for what it was.  Then, I remembered.  This.  This was his weird thing for the day.  I smiled.  I didn't care what he said, this was an amazing day.  "They are beautiful." I meant it, I didn't care if it had something to do with beauty again.

"My heart, my mind, they are yours until the last one wilts."

My eyes filled with tears.  _I love you._   "Gaara." I held them all to my chest.  I want to stay.  I want to live.  I love him, I don't want to leave, not yet.

Not yet.

I felt arms around me and I sobbed.  A full heave to my chest, the dark of hopeless came back and settled into my heart.  "I'm not... I'm not ready to-" I couldn't finish the sentence, instead I buried my head into his hardened chest, allowing all my pain, all my fears out from my eyes and the guttural sobs I could no longer hold back.  His grip tightened and I felt his fingers lace into my hair.  I cried.  I cried until there were no more tears.  I cried until there was no more energy, until I could no longer breathe, no longer feel.  I was numb.

I slept, his arms still tight around me.

.*.               .*.               .*.

I felt drained when I woke, my back slightly sore.  I could hear a heart beat and it took me a minute to realize I was still in Gaara's arms.  Our position had changed sometime after I fell asleep, I was somewhat on my side now, my ear pressed to his chest and his hand, his _hand_ , brushing softly at my scalp.  I felt my tears return so I stayed silent, not wanting to start crying again.  Not wanting to voice the one thing I did not want to say.  Not to him.  I was afraid.  It was something I didn't want to admit to myself.  I had come to terms with death years ago.  The possibility of it every time I fought since my first mission when I hindered my teammates.  I was not weak.  I would not be a nuisance.  I would accept my fate and do my best to live to fulfill my dreams.  Dreams I no longer wanted once they came into reach.  I did achieve them though, every last one.  Now, there was this.  This possible.  This thing, just beyond my reach.

"You're awake." The words were soft, but rumbled deep within his chest and I hummed into the fabric which covered his protective shell.

I gasped as sand wrapped around me and I found myself alone on the bed.  I looked up at him wide eyed, trying to convey my dislike at the loss of him without words.

"Your eyes are still red." He sat down and folded his arms.  His face held nothing to decipher and the room fell quiet.  "It has been a full day."

A full day?  I swallowed.  I lost another one.  A whole other day.

"Naruto." His eyes drifted away from me and a small frown formed.  He did not wait to respond.  "They say, nothing lasts forever." His words were strained and with the last one his eyes moved back to me.  His eyes narrowed slightly, he leaned forwards and grabbed my hand with both of his.  "Be this Nothing."

The tears I had previously tried to contained were instant.  "Can't.  I can't."  My voice cracked as I tried to pry myself away from him.

He only held me tighter, his hands becoming painful on mine.  Without a sound he was over me, my hands raised above my head and his face hovered just over mine.  His breath was heated, yet calm.  "I know." His voice emanated pain, causing my own breath to catch in my throat.  "I need you to fight.  Just _fight_."

His forehead fell to mine, intimate, personal.  I wanted to.  I would put everything I had into living.  I closed my eyes, and allowed myself to feel him.  His touch.  The painful grip on my hands, the stretch of my arms as he held them up over my head.  The rough feel of the sand on my forehead, his moist breath which tickled my face.  I felt hollow.  I couldn't even walk, how could I try to promise my own life?  It would be a lie, a devastating one if I didn't come through.  I didn't want to talk about it.  I couldn't talk about it.

 _I had to_.  "If I die-"  I hissed as the grip tightened.

He stayed where he was, but his breath stopped.  There was a slight tremble to his forehead.

I knew I had to finish this.  Say what I needed.  "If I die, and the baby lives.  I need you to promise me.  Promise me you will live and you will love it.  Please.  I don't... I don't want to think.  I don't..." I trailed off.

There was an uncomfortable moment of breath, of touch, of heat, of pain.  "You are the only thing which keeps my mind at peace." His whisper was like a swift razor blade aimed directly to my heart.  It pierced through my skin and settled deep within my chest, ending with a painful twist.

"You don't need me to live."

"You're wrong." His words were without hesitation, rushed.  He let me go, leaned back and held onto my face.  I winced, but was surprised at the gentle touch, the softness of skin on mine.  He looked into my eyes, a glisten to his own. 

 _I don't want to hurt him_.  If I died, it would hurt him.  It could destroy him, I could see it in his eyes.  The look in them twisted the blade further in my chest.  I want to live, let me live.  Please, let me _live_.

"I've ordered they save you first."

My mind blanked.  First?  Then, a horrible nausea came and I gave a dry heave.  No.  Please.  "You can't."

He stayed silent and removed himself from the bed.  The shadow on his face made me realize it was not an easy decision.

I looked up to the spiral.  I had no choice.  "I'll fight, ok?  Just... _Just_." I couldn't say it.  I couldn't plead.  Love her. 

Just _love_ her.

"I'll try." The words were barely audible, broken.  I didn't look as I heard the door open, then close.

I buried my head in my hands and cried, this time because I knew how much I could hurt him.  Hell with what I wanted, what I was afraid to lose.  What I was afraid I couldn't have.  If I were to die, it would end for him.  Everything, his one thing he wanted.  His chance at a family, it would go with me.

When my tears dried and the familiar numb returned I allowed my eyes to settle on the intricate glass vase across the room.  It looked like the ribbons from the day before, with bright white lilies.

And a little flower shaped rattle tied to it with a bright red ribbon.

.*.               .*.               .*.

There was a soft, warm touch to my cheek.  I felt drained, but lighter somehow.  My eyes drifted open to meet bright teal.  "It is a new day."

"I'm sorry."

His hand retracted as though he were burned and he sat on the chair behind him.  "As am I."

"Not your fault." Mine.  Always mine.  I chose this, I was the one who made you have to deal with this.

He tilted his head at me.  "I am taking you to my room today."

The words dragged me out of my own dark spiral.  An odd tickle started in my stomach then the baby moved.  I grabbed her and willed her to still.  "I can't walk."

"I know." He moved his hand and sand began to gather around me.  "I will walk for you."

It formed around my legs, under my body and under my arms.  It raised me from my bed then solidified into a chair.  "Why are we going to your room?"

He flinched at the question, then stood.  "I have things I desire to share with you." He frowned.  "Things I should share with you.  Before." The word and the meaning was left open.  Open, obvious.  Before the baby.  Before I possibly died.

I nodded, and he turned.  The chair I was in gently moved forward and it followed him.  Through hallways, up flights of stairs.  Two more flights, then he stopped.  "Gaara?"

"You've never seen it." He looked back towards me as the door opened.

I gasped at the view beyond him.  Large, open and spacious.  It was lined in bookcases, and as I floated into the room I could see a table, desk and a large bed off to the side.  "Don't get me wrong, but I always imagined your room would be a study or something."

He merely hummed and moved me to the bed.  The sand fell away from me, but he left some behind my back so I could sit upright without effort.  He watched me in silence.  A long, very long, silent stare.  An odd look passed through his face, twisting his features, then his face was once again trained back into his usual blank expression.  His fingers twitched at his sides.  Sand rustled around the pristine room then settled back down.

What was he thinking? I licked my lips and swallowed.  Then blushed when his eyes widened at my movement.  He turned away from me and sighed.  "Gaara, what did you need to tell me?"

Silence.  Always silence with him.  He cleared his throat, rounded the bed and sat down next to me, his back to me.  There was a slight, visible tremble in his shoulders and he gripped the bed.  "I've never been on this."

What?  "Is it new?"  Silence.  This man was confusing the hell out of me.

His head jerked to the side and he reached out.  A small folded paper was moved from the desk and it floated to me and landed softly in my lap.  His head returned to it's previous position and he was once again stiff, silent and trembling.

I sighed and picked up the pamphlet.  11 ways to woo a lady.  I snickered at it.  Eleven.  Eleven days.  So this is what he had been using.  I opened it up and nearly lost it.  This, this was ridiculous.

  1. _Tie her shoes so she cannot fall for another man._
  2. _Take away her sweets, because she is far too sweet already._
  3. _"Who needs the sun when the brightest thing in the universe stands here next to me?"_
  4. _"No wonder the sky is gray, all the blue was taken by your eyes."_



They continued on like this and I smiled into the little pamphlet.  Once I was done, I held it to my chest.  He did all this in an honest attempt to woo me?  A warmth spread inside my chest.  My love for him only seemed to grow.  How could I have been so blind not to see it before?  This, this was deeper than anything I could ever feel for Hinata.  I craved him, truly craved him.  I wanted to be engulfed by his intensity, burned alive with his touch.  "Gaara, I-"

"It's not something to tell, it is something to show." His voice cracked and his grip tightened on the bed.  He took in a shaky breath.

"If you aren't ready, you don't have to.  There's plenty of time to-"

"Time?" He looked over his shoulder, his eyes narrow.  "Isn't this the one thing we are short on?  Do you think I am unaware what can happen, do you realize this was something I planned on putting off?" He stood from the bed, a grimace forming. 

"I-"

"No, for once, I will speak.  I will rant if I must.  This was something I've kept from you, for years.  Successfully I have kept it only to myself, my siblings and a few doctors who have examined me.  It was something I never meant to share, but now.  With you, with _us_ , I lose the reason to hide it.  Do I have the time to wait until I am ready?  There is a month, Naruto.  A _month_." His voice hitched with the word, pain etched directly into it.  Another shaky breath, then he turned from me, sitting back down on the bed.  "Just see.  I need you to see."

His hands went to his black over shirt and he pulled it upwards and over his head.  Pale.  So beautiful, pale and perfect.  Beneath his sand, it must be soft.  Years without exposure, years without being touched.  I stared at his skin, his perfect sand covered skin.  I wanted to lean into him, brush my hands against it, dig under it's recesses until I reached the tender skin beneath his shell.  I had barely gained a glimpse of this perfection in the cave, and he became angry with me.  Yet.

Yet why did he take off his shirt?  "Hey, what exactly are you doing?"

His head lowered and his hand gripped at the side of the bed.

"Gaara?"

"I'm not."

Not?  "Not what?"

"Perfect." The word was strained, tight. 

Something in my stomach twisted.  Not perfect?  "As a person?  Well, yeah, nobody is are they?"

Silence.  Again with the silence.  There was a small shudder to Gaara's shoulders, then a soft explosion of sand erupted from him.  Sand flew everywhere, it agitated in front of me, on the floor, hovered over our heads.  Wait.  Sand.  From where?  I brought my eyes back to him and gasped.  The perfect, porcelain skin was gone.  The pale beauty I had always associated with Gaara was gone.  Instead, in front of me was a softly defined back.  One which was speckled with thousands of freckles, and _something else._   What this something else was, I wasn't exactly sure.  Dark marks littered his back, discoloring the skin and faded out into freckled pale.  They started at his shoulders, ebbing up to the back of his neck.  I followed them down and noticed they disappeared into the waistband of his pants.  Not perfect.

Gaara.  This was Gaara, what he was beneath all the sand.  I wanted... I wanted to touch the marks, see if they were a danger to him.  I reached forwards and brushed my fingers against his heated skin.  I ignored the quick inhale of air, the fluttering of muscles beneath my hand.  _Soft._   I pressed firmer and I lost the feel of the soft skin.

He jerked away from me with a whimper and looked back at me with a scowl.  And a blush.  His face was deep red, light freckles littered his face, only made obvious by the reddening of his skin.  _His skin_.  This was him, my Gaara, as he was.  "Do.  Not.  Touch." His voice sounded rushed, nervous.  Pitched.  Aroused.

"You're sensitive." I licked my lips and his face reddened to an even darker hue.  I smiled.  My thoughts, vulgar.  I couldn't help it.  He was beautiful.  Perfect.  I wanted to taint him.  My fingers itched to travel this perfectly imperfect body.  To see what sounds it could make.  To see what colors showed on this living skin.

Damn, there is something wrong with me.

Maybe Gaaruto got it from me after all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  I hope you enjoyed this chapter and hopefully I was able to convey the emotion well behind everything.  I even teared up a bit while writing it, and for me this is saying something.
> 
> I managed to finish this before work, and even went through it for once so I am also hoping there aren't too many mistakes I missed.  It's early and I am honestly not a morning person whatsoever.  *Zombie*
> 
> As always, reviews/comments serve to inspire.  <3


	14. Day 12

 

  **Gaara**

I watched her sleep.  The dawn had broached the sky hours ago, yet I could not bring myself to wake her.  Not yet.  Not when my stomach still felt so twisted from the words from before.  If she dies, I would crumble.  I knew it, my sanity would be lost.  I had proof from the vision I received from Kimiko.  If the child would live, in this state, would I be a better father than my own had been?  I could give no promises.  There was no way to know how I could handle this situation without the aid of Kimiko, and I would be damned to try and put myself through another vision which included my wife's death.

Vulgar.  This entire situation is even making my thoughts wrong.  I sighed and leaned forward.  Her eyes were still puffy from the past two days.  She shed so many tears.  It wasn't fair.  I hadn't given thought to what she must be dealing with.  I hovered my hand over the child growing inside of her.  What was this little thing?  If I touched, she would wake.  I wanted to touch.  See if I could get it to move.  It would be alright on it's own, wouldn't it?  Babies are born without complications every day.  I didn't want to raise it by myself.  Not when I knew the child would share something in common with it's mother.  Children tended to do such things, resemble their parents in some way.  I was told I resembled my mother the most.  I received her narrow face, the red tint to my hair from my father but with her lighter tone.  Along with things which were entirely my own.  Such as my lack of body hair and my constantly active kekkei genkai.  I really hoped this child didn't inherit either of those traits from me. 

I retracted my hand but kept watching the bump.  _My_ child.  It felt so surreal and under any other circumstances I would already be working at spoiling said child with everything I could think of.  I had done the same with Shinki when I first received him.  The memory of Kankuro yelling at me for over stuffing the child's room with toys brought a smile to my face.  He had been so small back then, so very vulnerable.  I remember him standing in the middle of the same room he occupies now, completely surrounded by stuffed animals, toys and a bed of his very own.  He stood frozen, then sat off in a corner by himself. 

I remember how helpless I felt at his reaction.  I didn't know what to do with him then.  I still didn't.  I sighed.  How could I do this on my own?  I wanted to be better, without her, how could I be?  I looked up to my wife's face. She looked the same to me.  Softer, but the same.  Too thin though.  She was still losing weight, but not to the extent she had when she was when she kept making the clones before here memory returned.  I swallowed.  Today was the day.  Today I would show her the part of myself I hid from the world so it would never travel back to her.  I would lose my perfect, a strange concept but one I held onto tightly when it concerned her.  To pursue a relationship with her, she would need to eventually see it.  If I were to surprise her with it, _when_ she recovered from having the baby, I could potentially lose her.  What if it disgusted her?  What if it only brought back bad memories for her? 

Kankuro hated it for this exact reason.  I was still in my early twenties the last time he seen it and he put a robe on me the moment he did.  _If you go without your sand, will you at least put something on?  You know I don't want to remember how you got it._   It was as though it were his own burden to carry.  All I needed to do was visit the cemetery to remember the exact price my ability to move came at.  The mark was one I considered a scar.  I had very few from the times things managed to penetrate my defenses, but death, within itself held the most obvious of them.  Once I explained it, would she want to stay?  Could she bare to see it?  If not, I could not propose.  For to propose meant...

My heart thudded loudly in my chest.  It meant I would pursue a deeper relation with my wife.  An increasingly familiar warmth began to pool in my abdomen and I shifted uncomfortably in my chair.  Could I do this?  Remove my sand after so many years of hiding?  Hiding specifically from her?  I took a deep breath.  There was only one way to know.  I shifted and hovered my hand over her face.  It was amazing how much more beautiful she had become even in the short amount of time she had been here.  She was still changing.  How much more?  The nurses mentioned there was hardly any proof of her previous... State.  Soon, the transformation would be complete and her body would be able to recoup from everything.  Her face had become so soft, so very feminine.  Her eyelashes were longer, her lips just a little fuller.  Kiss.

I needed to prepare myself for this.  I was still unready, but I was running out of time.  It was why I needed to do this.  Why I needed to propose before the child came.  Why I must kiss her before I was ready to.  The warmth deepened and I lowered my hand to her face.  Warm, soft.  I almost did it yesterday.  Kissed her.  I was desperate, I wanted her to know how much I needed to keep her with me.  I needed her to fight.  I didn't want such a feeling to be our first kiss.  Full of pain.  I wanted it to be perfect.  Something beyond anything she had experienced.  It would be hard to manage considering my extreme... lack... of any sort of relation experience.  I traced over her whisker marks, the indents within her skin.  They were like scars in a way.  Would the child carry these as well?

Would all of our children?  The thought surprised me, and I was overcome with a sense of guilt the moment I seen the blue of her eyes on me.  Why was I thinking about having more children with her when the first hadn't even been born yet?  When we still had no real guarantee she would live beyond this.  "It is a new day." I couldn't very well say what I was thinking.  You live through this, I will personally take it upon myself to repopulate Suna with our children. 

"I'm sorry." A whisper of words, a knife to my heart.

I quickly retracted my hand from her.  A remembered reason I should not be thinking what I was.  "As am I." Not for yesterday, but for now.

"Not your fault."

I tilted my head as I considered her.  If she knew what I had been thinking just then, she might have been angry at me.  Images of a house full of children played inside my guilt ridden mind. My own little secret, this odd little desire of mine.  "I'm taking you to my room today."

Her eyes widened and her hands grabbed the skin over the baby.  It was hard to resist the urge to touch.  "I can't walk."

My chest gave a little heave and I swallowed the threat of a laugh.  "I know." I covered the movement with words.  Don't be obvious.  Why was I in such a good mood?  I wasn't sure.  Maybe it was the thought of planting children inside of my Naruto.  Lots of them.  Planting... I moved my hand and gathered my sand around her to keep my mind from wandering to th process required for such a feat to be accomplished.  "I will walk for you."  It was a pointless thought, one only to reconciled if I were to get her to say 'yes' when I proposed, then she lived through our first child's birth.  First.  First of many, as long as these conditions were met.  Control myself.  What was wrong with me?  I lifted her off the bed and solidified the sand around her body to resemble a legless chair.  Something comfortable, something which would cause her no stress.

"Why are we going to your room?"

I flinched at her words.  The other obstacle and a reminder once again to why I shouldn't be thinking the way I was.  "I have things I desire to share with you." I frowned.  This wasn't correct.  It would be better to never have to share this particular thing with her.  I decided to correct myself.  "Things I should share with you.  Before."  Before the baby.  Before the proposal.  Before.  She nodded silently and I turned from her.  I left the room and trekked up the awful amount of stairs to my personal quarters carefully pulling her along with me.  I hate stairs.  They annoy me.  I should have moved after Shinki had nearly cracked his head open when he fell down a flight for the first time, but no.  I just had to stay because the proximity it gave to my office at the Kazekage tower.  I paused at my door.  This was it.  When I opened this door, there would be no turning back.  Once she seen it, there would be no retrieving the perfect image she attributed to my skin.  Porcelain.  I heard her say it before.  Today, this image would shatter.

"Gaara?"

A reason for why I stopped.  "You've never seen it."  Not entirely a lie, but not the reason.  I looked to her and opened the door.  I was, however, a little curious what she thought of it.  Not many came here.  My siblings, Shinki and now her.

There was a small gasp.  I studied her face, but it was unrevealing.  I wasn't sure if it was a 'wow, look at this superb room, perfectly decorated and placed' sort of gasp or a 'how could you live like this?  This room is needs desperate rearranging.' sort of gasp.  I moved her ahead of me and followed her in.  She moved her head to take in her surroundings.  "Don't get me wrong, but I always imagined your room would be a study or something."

I hummed at her words.  So it was more of an 'I expected your room to be desolate and bare and it isn't.' sort of gasp.  I moved her to my bed, recreating her pillow tower with sand so she could sit comfortably there.  I placed her in the middle, but to where I could sit on the side.  So I could show her.  So I could show her without having to see her face.  I wasn't sure I could bare to see the disappointment which I knew would be there when the sand fell away from my skin.  Once I had her fully settled in I took in the sight of her there.

On my bed.  On.  My.  Bed.  The heat in my abdomen intensified at the sight.  Bed.  I had no reason to use a bed, the only reason for it being in my room was for my siblings and son to sleep over while I worked.  Was the only reason.  I had never been in it myself.  Never even sat on it myself.  Yet, within minutes I would be sitting on my bed, with my wife, in my room in my bed.  Alone.  There was a deep flare of sensation below my abdomen and I felt my face twist up.  My fingers twitched and I felt my sand move in response to my discomfort.  I was dangerously close to making my sand heat up to the point of cracking again and I forced my mind to blank.  Control myself.  Don't let this strange condition distract from what I needed to do.  I would have to ask her how to control this, ask her what self medication meant so I could exist without constant fear of flare ups.  I focused on my breath and the sensation settled down into a bearable discomfort.  The sand settled down soon after.  It wouldn't do to ruin my room with another outburst after I had barely managed to clean it enough for this after my last unfortunate episode.  I still hadn't seen my little book.  Naruto's little book.  The baby's?  The last one made more sense.

Pink wet tongue, wetting lips, hot lips, Naruto.  To kiss her, I would need to... I widened my eyes as my thoughts began to head back into an area which made my nether bits pulse uncomfortably under my sand armor.  Her face began to redden and I turned from her before I continued to think on it and forget why I had come here in the first place.  I sighed at the loss of terrible thought, terrible distraction.  The loss of the sight of my beautiful wife.  _My_ beautiful wife.  Soon, I would place my own lips upon hers, claim them entirely as my own.  Forbid any others this sensation, and oh, what would it feel like?

"Gaara, what did you need to tell me?"

My stomach twisted.  I was stalling.  I didn't want to show her.  Never wanted to show her.  Couldn't we have a fine and descent marriage without her ever seeing the skin on my back?  Perhaps.  But then, I could not propose.  I could not expect her to lay with me for-

I rounded the bed before I thought more.  Clear my mind.  What was I thinking?  All this because she was in my bed?  It was indecent.  She was pregnant.  She was ill.  Touch still scared me half to death, even from her.  I kept my back to her, then sank down onto the mattress, a little surprised at how much it dipped down under my weight.  Comfortable.  Why did I have such a comfortable bed when it rarely was used?  Stalling.  Speak.  Tell her.  Warn her.  Can lose her.  My stomach twisted.  I was wrong.  I'm not ready for this.  I can't.  I won't show her.  I had to get away.  There was a slight acid which rose in my throat and I began to feel weak.  I began to feel a slight shake in my arms and I grabbed the edge of the bed tightly to steady myself.  Panic attack.  Again.  This was getting out of hand.  "I've never been on this." It was something.

"Is it new?"

I couldn't answer.  This conversation would be pointless.  So what to say then?  Could I say anything?  I doubted I could.  The pamphlet.  Yes, this would be a good distraction while I gathered enough nerve to do what needed to be done.  I eyed my desk from the corner of my eye.  There.  I turned my head quickly, shot out my hand and reached out to the little fold of paper which contained the odd mating rituals of human kind.  Did everyone have to do these when courting their spouses?  It simply was unnecessary.  Wasn't it?  I pulled it into her lap and returned my hand to the side of the bed and my head back to the previous position.  I tried to relax, but my muscles refused to obey me.  I remained stiff, trembling on the side of the bed. 

I heard a sigh and the sound of paper, soon followed by muffled laughter.    The silence, and the sound of crinkling paper.  If this was going to happen, it would happen now.  "Gaara, I-"

"It's not something to tell, it is something to show." I was annoyed at the way my own voice betrayed my emotion by cracking mid sentence.  Years of training and careful control destroyed by a single person.  I gripped the bed tighter and took in a shaky breath.  Soon she would know.  Soon, I would tell her what it came from.  Ruining her mental image of me was bad enough, but for her to know what it came from scared me more.  She would know how long I've hidden it from her.  Specifically from her.

"If you aren't ready, you don't have to.  There's plenty of time to-"

"Time?" Anger quickly replaced the nerves and I turned to look over my shoulder, my eyes narrow to convey my annoyance at this particular statement.  _Time_.  She spoke as though we had it.  "Isn't this the one thing we are short on?  Do you think I am unaware what can happen, do you realize this was something I planned on putting off?"  I stood and fully turned to her.  I scrunched my face, not caring I was wearing my emotions.  I didn't mean to admit the last part, but she was going to listen to _me_ this time.  I would tell her, and I grasped at the courage my anger lent me.

"I-"

"No, for once, I will speak.  I will rant if I must.  This was something I've kept from you, for years.  Successfully I have kept it only to myself, my siblings and a few doctors who have examined me.  It was something I never meant to share, but now.  With you, with _us_ , I lose the reason to hide it.  Do I have the time to wait until I am ready?  There is a month, Naruto." The one word felt like knives in my heart, a painful weight settled in and refused to budge.  "A _month._ " My voice hitched at the stressed word.  A month, and she could leave me.  Forever, and I would be alone.  I couldn't bare it.  I took in a breath to spite my lungs which craved to be empty.  Now.  It had to be now.  Before this anger faded away again and the nerved returned.  I turned from her and returned to my previous position on the bed.  "Just see.  I need you to see."  There was only a slight hesitation before I grabbed my shirt and pulled it over my head.  The point of this was to show her my skin.  My real skin.  There was no time for modesty or nerves.

"Hey, what exactly are you doing?"

The last bit of resolve I had faded away into oblivion with those words.  I lowered my head, remembering when I had heard her say it.  Him, back then.  It was not too long after the war ended, before Hinata.  He had come to Suna on a small mission and had made a point to come see me.  The words were spoken to another, but I had caught them.  After I left the room after the visit, I went back to give him a scroll to take to the Hokage.  It might have simply been an excuse to see my friend one last time before he left my village, but it was here I caught the words.  _What do you mean my skin's rough and nasty?  Hey, we all don't have your Kazekage's fortune of having perfect porcelain skin.  I mean, come on.  It is kinda ridiculous how perfect it is.  Even after the war there was only some left over dirt on it._   The conversation continued and I had been glued to the spot while I eavesdropped on them.  Needless to say, the scroll ended up delivered via pigeon.

"Gaara?"

"I'm not."

"Not what?"

"Perfect." My throat tightened with the word.  I knew what I said would confuse her.  I never mentioned I knew what she thought of my skin.

"As as person?  Well, yeah, nobody is are they?" Yes, confused.

Now.  It had to be now.  I prepared her as much as was possible.  I gathered my will.  Prepared myself for the air I knew would touch my skin.  It had been years since I fully removed my sand by will.  I shuddered at the prospect.  Sensation.  In my condition, with this annoying heat and discomfort in my abdomen, would the air be too much?  Stalling.  I breathed in air through my nose.  _Now_.  With every ounce of my will I pushed the sand away from me, all at once.  Cool air assaulted my bare skin and the sand agitated, wanting to come back to it's place over my skin as the outer shell it was made to be. 

There was a small gasp behind me and my stomach fell.  I felt sick.  Was she disgusted?  She must be disgusted by the dark disfiguration of my skin.  I waited a small eternity for her to study my disgusting skin.  The scar, the mark of death.

Sensation shot through my back, my muscles contracted around the sudden heat and I gasped.  The sensation was intense and travelled directly into my abdomen and the previous discomfort intensified.  I jerked away from her errant fingers.  I turned to shoot her a look to show my irritation with what she had done.  "Do.  Not.  Touch."  I couldn't keep the need from my voice.  Need for what, I wasn't sure.  I needed to ask about this self medication Kimiko talked to me about, this was becoming problematic for me.  Especially around her.

"You're sensitive."

My eyes gravitated to the tongue which darted out to once again wet her lips.  I felt the heat in my face deepen.  She was doing this on purpose.  An odd darkness seemed to shadow her features a moment as a crooked smile formed.  I could not chance another touch.  Not in this state, it would be embarrassing.  Without any movement the sand crashed back onto my body.  I hissed at the feel of it, my skin's sensitivity almost too much to bear. 

Her smile faded away into a frown.  "But you have freckles."

The sand around my face hardened and cracked from the heat beneath it.  "Yes." This was the one thing she latched onto?

"I wanted to count them."

I groaned at the dead serious expression she had on her face.  "You may find it an impossible task." I was covered in them.  Enough to make up for my lack of hair and most were barely visible and really would make for a difficult task unless she took a magnifying glass to me and... I pushed the image of her hand all over me as she tried to count them.  This was simply not a good thing to think of.  Considering.  I swallowed.

The smile returned.  "Try me."

I wasn't sure if I liked the tone in her voice or not.  It seemed dangerous, and I wasn't ready to explore what it meant.  My eyes returned to her lips.  Kiss.  What would it feel like?  A simple touch to my back was too much sensation for me to handle.  I would have to be the one to control it.  I could escape it easier if it became too much.  I would practice first.  List all the possible ways I could do it.  Devise a way which would be satisfying to her while still holding onto my own fragile dignity.  What would she taste like?  It always confused me on why people seemed to do this sort of action voluntarily.  Did they not just taste the food the person had eaten beforehand?  In a way it was a disgusting prospect, yet the gesture seemed so very intimate.

She gave a small laugh followed by a sigh.  She relaxed back onto the sand behind her.  "What exactly were you showing me anyway?"

I stared at her.  Did she not see?  The dark discoloration to my skin from where I once lay on the ground. 

"Don't look at me so damn weird, Gaara.  I am pretty sure you meant those birthmark looking things on your back, but the skin's still smooth.  Why were you so afraid to show me?"

She... Was okay with them?  "I'm not perfect." My mind wasn't working correctly.  Kiss.  Lips.  That odd, devilish look she had on her face only moments before only fueled the thought removing heat in my abdomen.  To say my curiosity about kissing was growing may be a slight understatement.  I could feel myself tremble as my thoughts continued to blur and become distracted.  Here, on my bed she was most beautiful.  It was where she belonged, on my bed, with me.  She was mine.  I would make her mine.  First, with a kiss, then-  I hissed at the painful surge below, in the area I tried not to think about.  More cracking, more sensation, more.

I needed.  I wanted to- What?  I wanted her to touch me again.  My eyes widened at the revelation and realized she had been talking.  "Gaara, answer me damn it, are you alright?" Her eyes were wild, worried.  They were bright, glistening with concern. 

I did not want to admit to her what my problem was, but then how would I ever think clearly again?  I want to think clearly.  I want to function without the fear of... This.  I cleared my throat.  I might as well get it over with.  "I have been having problems with controlling my reactions to you."

Her face went blank, an odd look to her.  "Reactions?"

I found my eyes settled on her lips, my own body continuing to disobey my desire to calm down.  "Since you, I've not been able to stop... I haven't been able to..." I stumbled on the words, trying to figure out a descent way to phrase it for her.  Why did it feel so much harder to tell her?  Perhaps because she was the cause?  I was not sure.  "I've found myself in an uncomfortable situation.  I've found my desire to kill has risen, and... I went to see my doctor."

"The one who visited me?" Her face was still unreadable.  What was she thinking?

I nodded slowly, still trying to gauge her reaction.  "She told me I would need to self medicate.  Do you understand what this is?"

She hummed, then raised her hands up and placed them folded behind her head.  Her face was still blank and unreadable.  My stomach twisted as I wondered what she could be thinking.  Was it the situation, or did she finally react to what was on my back?  "So, lemme get this right." Her hands dropped back down and a small smile formed.  "The thing you told me before didn't work, now works when you think of me and it won't stop?"

I felt the next crack which run across the left side of my face.  I winced at the pinch and nodded to her question. 

"And you need to self medicate and you don't understand what it means?"

Another nod.

The alarming smile from earlier returned.  "Gotcha.  I can help.  You're bothered now, huh?" I refused to answer.  With the silence I gave she patted the bed next to her.  "Come here, sit."

My body obeyed without thought.  The idea of quenching this discomfort, this painful and annoying condition was enough for me to do what she wanted.  Finally, someone who would tell me what I needed to do in order to accomplish what I needed to make this go away.  "You will tell me what it means?"

"Better, I'll demonstrate."  Her body went rigid as I sat next to her, added sand to the backrest to expand it to include myself.  "You really have no idea?  Honestly?"

I tilted my head at her.  "I never had any reason to explore this part of the human condition.  How do people stand it?"

She gave a hearty laugh.  "Self medication.  Other people and then they just deal with the frustration of not being able to relieve it when neither option is viable."  She sighed.  "I honestly thought you weren't being entirely serious."

I carefully removed the expression from my face.  "Why would I attempt to joke about something so serious?"

"You?  Probably not.  But then, you are Gaara, and I never know what to expect with you.  You are kinda weird, ya know?"

I frowned until I felt her hand on my arm.  Even through the sand, her touch was heated, hers.  I gasped at the feel of it, the direct connection every part of my skin seemed to have made straight to my abdomen and to my groin.  I needed this to end.  "I have never considered myself as weird."  I wanted to keep myself focused.  There were more important things to discuss.  Such as my back, and more importantly the baby.

"You really are sensitive."

I jerked as sensation shot upwards from my thigh and I swatted her hand away.  "What are you doing?" The words were rushed, more panicked than I wanted them to sound.  The sensation threatened to remove my coherent thought and I swallowed to try and calm the rising nerves.

"Figuring out how to demonstrate this.  I don't think I have the _ability_ to show you myself."

"The ability?"

She groaned and looked away from me.  I was more than a little grateful for the loss of their intensity.  "I mean, I haven't exactly checked, but from how weird it even feels to take a piss, I don't think I have a dick.  Understand that?"

"Vulgar." I choked the word out at the blatant explanation of what she was thinking.  I looked away from her.  I didn't want to think of before.  Before she.  Before wife.  Before pregnant.  When she was him, and him was out of my reach.

"Self medication is vulgar, Gaara.  Whether you want to admit it or not, it is highly vulgar."

I snapped my eyes back to her and noticed she was once again watching me.  "Vulgar?"

"Very."

I swallowed.  Perhaps this was why they all acted like I was insane when I asked.  "I asked Hinata what it meant.  Kankuro, almost Shinki."

"You asked..." Her eyes widened, followed by a wide smile.  "Gaara, you're amazing." A squeeze to my thigh.  "I love you.  I love you so damned much it almost hurts."

She. 

She what?  "You...?"  I wanted to be sure my ears did not deceive me.  Love.  Could she truly love me.  Not just the child?  Did she truly want me, to be with me? 

Her eyes widened, then a softer smile came.  A genuine, pure smile.  "Yeah.  I love you."

Without thinking my hand drifted up to my forehead, to my scar.

Her hand left my thigh and grabbed hold of my hand, gently pulling my fingers away from my scar.  "I have loved you for longer than I will ever admit.  Loved you more than my own life, love you more than the air, than the people of Konoha.  I love you enough to throw it away, Gaara.  All for this.  Not just this." She rubbed her hand over where the baby grew. 

"This?" My words were barely there.  It felts as though the world had frozen.  There was just her, and me, and the baby and these words.  This day, it was becoming too much.  Full of sensation, full of want, full of heat and confusion and Naruto is pretty.  Her hands were hot and I wanted them. I wanted to touch them.  I wanted them on my skin, I wanted this heat to burn me alive until I was nothing but to become a heap of sensation melted against her never to exist again beyond her.

I needed to clear my mind before I did something indecent. 

"Let me help you." She shifted until she was on her side. 

Air became unnecessary as heat exploded into my chest, down my abdomen.  When this heat cupped over my sand shield at the culprit of my incoherent and heated thoughts I let go of a whimper.  My resolve turned into need, this heat.  It was unbearable.  Painful.  "I can't."

"I can show you.  Remove your shield, Gaara." 

I couldn't tare my eyes from hers, and I willed the heat away, embarrassment at what she asked allowing some of my dignity to return.  "I _can't_." 

Her hand travelled upwards on my abdomen, then stopped near my navel.  "Now, do as I say Gaara.  Grab hold of yourself there, where you are swollen.  It might shock you, but you need to follow what I say."

"Vulgar." Indecent.  Wrong.  Can't.

"It is supposed to be." Her voice was soft and so very feminine.

I swallowed and nodded, happy she at least had not broken contact with my own eyes.  I couldn't do what she asked.  It would be too much.  So, self medication meant to wrap my own hand around the painful and sensitive area?  I shifted slightly to give the illusion I was to follow her direction.  Her hand was still heated and very much on my abdomen.  Her touch, I could still feel it from where she touched my back.  If I were to remove the sand from beneath her fingers, the heat would gather enough to clear my mind.  Without exposing my more sensitive areas.  Without actually having to do something more vulgar than what I was already planning on.   In order to feel the sensation I still had no idea how to explain.  With her, touching me as it happened.   Also, I would hear the rest of what I needed to do to prevent this occurrence in the future.

And I would feel her.   Why was I craving this so much, her touch, her heat, her presence, her.  Her.  This rising need to have her with me, if I lost her, I would crumble.  Even more than before.  I needed her.  I needed to-

"Move your hand, massage your skin, let yourself feel." Her voice was darker, sultry.

Her voice alone made me groan.  I held her gaze.  Soon.  I would remove the sand from beneath her hand and I would feel her heat upon my skin.  I was prepared for the lingering heat, the afterthought, the need which only rose with every new touch of her.  Her hand began to move.  Slowly, her thumb moved slowly in a rubbing caress.  It sent small shocks down towards my groin.  _Naruto_.  Her name consumed me.  My Naruto was touching me, so close to, so close to- My breath caught in my throat.  The only existence was her.  Her hand.  Me, this sensation, this breath, my own heartbeat.  The brilliant blue so close to my own eyes.  The sand parted beneath her hand and I arched into the heat of skin upon skin.

Heat. Soft heat, movement, surprise, a sound I did not recognize coming from my own throat.  I gasped for breath as the heat went directly to the pained area in my groin.  My mind stopped, the world became light.  I trembled, I shuddered.  I floated off the bed and my mind went into a complete blank as I felt the explosion of sensation I was now recognizing as the complete to the condition.  My entire body felt lighter, every nerve felt alive, yet calm.  I looked up to the ceiling and groaned as the hand I had allowed for my release travelled down to feel I had not followed directions.

"Or, I could just fucking touch some random spot on your body and you will be good.  Damn."

I couldn't look at her.  I pulled the sand back up over the exposed skin near my navel.  My stomach twisted in the realization she had put her hands down my pants in order to reach it.  I had been so out of it I never even noticed I still had clothes on my bottom half, and now, with my mind slowly returning, I realized I also did not have my top on either.  I crooked a finger and pulled it towards me from the side of the bed and pulled it on, my modesty returning.

"At least you don't fall asleep after now."

I tensed, then forced myself to relax.  I didn't want to think about what happened after.  My dream, almost killing her, then her running from me.  "It is the fourth time." My voice was hoarse.

"You did this once without me around?"

This made me look at her, my brows furrowed.  My question was on my face and I left it unspoken.

"Well, the first and second time should have been in the cave, yeah?"

I nodded.

"Then this.  If there was a fourth, I did not witness it."

My face cracked.  Then my neck.  My chest. 

Her face twisted.  "Was I asleep or something?"

"Something." The memory of me looking up to her shocked face after falling from the last release flooded my mind.

She stared at me.  "I kinda want to know now.  Tell me."

"I thought about us sharing a bed." I didn't want to explain.

"Like this?"

I felt the pinch of new cracks forming in my sand.  "You witnessed it."  Before she died.  Before the attack.  When I was learning to accept her. 

"Oh." Her voice was lower and she looked away from me.  "From the times I woke up and don't remember."

I couldn't say anything.  The last time, it was an accident, and I was still learning what this all was.  I didn't understand it yet, I still didn't entirely, but I wanted to.  My eyes drifted down to the child she carried.  This feeling, this sensation, it was what led to the creation of this little being, I was sure of it.  I swallowed.  To create many children would require me to be... With her I would feel...

Then...

I pushed myself from the bed and paced the room.  Even afterwards, my mind was not clear.  Perhaps it was her proximity to my person?  The fact she was in my own personal albeit unused bed?  I took a deep breath.

Clear my mind.

There were other things to address.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I intended this to have everything from day twelve, but it is already past the 6,000 word mark and it just screamed 'end me here!' so I did.  I wanted to fully explain the mark on his back, but Gaara ended up a little... distracted and it didn't come out right by adding it into this yet.  It will come in the next chapter, I promise. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this one!  As always, reviews/comments serve to inspire.


	15. Of Puppets and Preparations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting so close!  I am so excited to write the next couple chapters, though I have a little more research to go before I can write the chapter after the next one.  I've been asking some of my coworkers and I am getting a clearer idea of how everything will go down in the chapter, so hopefully I can pull it off well. 
> 
> As always comments/reviews serve to inspire.  :D
> 
> Also, if you want to check out my new(ish)  blog it is at somethingnifty net add a dot in the middle there ;) (I know some of these sites don't allow urls)  I will be posting random stuff in there including my artwork which will eventually include random scenes from this as well as my other stories.

 

 

** Gaara **

I swear I hadn't paced long enough for Naruto to fall asleep.  Fast asleep.  Poke her in the shoulder and pat her face sort of deep sleep.  I frowned at her.  I successfully cleared my mind, but at the cost of Naruto's consciousness and knowing her, lately, I wouldn't talk to her again until sometime tomorrow.  Sleep was good.  Sleep was healing.  Naruto needed as much sleep and help to prepare her for the coming child so she could live through it.

It annoyed me, no matter how much I told myself the previous sentences.  I wanted her awake, I wanted to talk to her, I wanted to hold her hand, I wanted to explain my back, I wanted her to tell me what she was having, I wanted exact and precise details about how she had come to love me, when it happened and how in the world had I never noticed said emotion in her until this precise moment? 

I wanted to tell her.  Tell her I love her.  With every fiber within my body and beyond, tell her she was my reason for breath, my example at how people should be, the light in my dark, the reason within my torment.  I would tell her, I had to, but when?  I wanted it to be the most memorable moment.  One which she would remember until we both grew old and ended up in our own high end man made oasis in the middle of the desert like the honored siblings had done.  Sit and fish for koi, cultivate plants and simply be.  Their simple existence was self contained and relaxed.  Would I ever be comfortable in such a state?  Would I ever be able to bring myself into retirement?

Why was I thinking these things when my wife was snoring audibly from my own bed when she should be... In my bed.  I swallowed.  Maybe I would leave her there.  We were married, and it was not customary to have marital relations with one's wife when they were both heavily pregnant and ill.  I am sure the council would look past this.  I stiffened.  Was I treating this like I was proposing for the first time?  As though my wife were not already married to me, and with the proof of the consummation of said relationship deeply seated within her body.  Yet, we were not married at the time of consummation and it would be required, I am sure.  I swallowed.  Maybe I was trying to conjure a reason to share a bed with my wife in the future.  My fingers traced over the warmth on my abdomen, where her fingers had been just a little while before.  I felt my lips curl upwards at the memory.  Maybe I would be fine in this marriage. 

So long as she lived.  So long as the baby lived.  I wanted them.  Both of them.  I needed them, I could feel the need rise every time I took note of how much her stomach would grow.  Every time I would see her flinch and press a hand there, calming the child within.  I wanted to touch it.  I wanted to feel it move.  This little life.  Our child.  Mine.

Mine. 

I think too much.  I hovered over her and brought my hand to her shoulder.  I pushed it, making her body shake a little.  "Naruto."  Another push.  Nothing but a snore as a response.  I frowned.  Maybe the new name would work.  I leaned down so my mouth was near her ear.  "Kisarei." Still nothing.

I took back to pacing.  Then, I took to sitting next to her.  Then I sat on the bed and held her hand for a while.  Then I rearranged my bookshelves.  I groaned.  How long had it been since she fell asleep?  I peeked out my window and seen daylight.  Had it been a day yet?  She usually would wake after a day of rest.  I took back to pacing, then after roughly eighty four paces from the bed to my bookshelves and back I returned to her side.  I grabbed her hand this time and wiggled it.  "Naruto.  It's been a day."  Nothing.  How was I supposed to hold an important conversation without her conscious and participating actively?  I leaned over her and lowered my face close to her.  Kiss.  I read in a story once, a man had woken a princess with a kiss.  Would it work?  I wonder.  I moved closer, keeping my eyes on hers.  Her lashes grew.  I could feel her breath on my face and my heart twisted in my chest.

I would try it another day.  After our first official kiss.  This would be wrong.  I should not use an unwakeable Naruto for kissing practice for when she woke up and could remember it.  Instead, I brought my hand to her face.  I removed the sand from my fingers so I would not scratch her skin.  They hesitated over her skin for only a moment before my own determination brought my fingers down.  I started at her forehead and moved down, tracing her jawline, studied the rise and fall of her her cheeks, where the bones connected beneath the surface.  I concentrated on every detail, every little line, every small crease in her forehead, every deep mark on her cheek, the exact placement of her lips and their size.  I kept my hand there longer than I should have, memorizing every surface.  I was grateful she was such a deep sleeper, otherwise I would have been caught in my exploration of her.  I stepped away from her once I had her memorized to my liking and headed down to her old room.

Yes.  She would stay in my room for now on.  There wasn't an excuse for having her separated from me beyond my own modesty.  I did not use my bed, never have.  I had no need to.  I shut the door behind me, and stared at the empty bed.  The equipment would need to be moved, but there was little else to be moved beyond this.  Just the ribbon planter I had made with the slowly dying lilies and the rattle my son had made for the baby.  I reached out for it and the sand untied it from the vase and brought the little thing to my hands.  I gave it a small shake and the hollow melodic sound created a deep warmth within my chest.  I studied it, the marks where his hands had used a chisel upon the wood.  My son made this.  For the child.  My fingers traced over its smoothed out and polished surface.  He hadn't painted it, but it was still perfect, because he had made it.  Without this, the day would have been failed and the complex traditions would have been entirely ruined.

Somehow, it worked.  My Naruto loves me, she told me herself.  With her own voice, from her own lips.

Lips.  I came here for a reason, and it wasn't to admire my son's handiwork.  I gave another quick shake of the little rattle and moved it back to the vase where it belonged for now.  I turned back to the bed.  Practice.  I would need practice if I were to kiss Naruto during the proposal.  The necklace would be ready in less than a week, and I didn't want to procrastinate on delivering it.  Which meant planning, list making and getting ready.  I took a deep breath.  I could do this.  All I had to do was prepare myself for the act itself.  Numb myself to the sensation so all I would need to bear was the heat and perhaps I would not embarrass myself in front of my wife.  Again.  I disliked not being entirely in control of myself and I found it was becoming harder to do so around her.

I raised up my arms, gathered my sand and concentrated it upon the bed.  Bit by bit it condensed into a solid form, a semblance of a human being.  Now, here is where it began to get tricky.  I stepped closer to it as I began to mold it's features into a more shapely form.  Creating my own form was a simple process.  I knew my own contours, knew how I should look in order to pull of an exact copy.  Which sand I would have to pull forward to achieve the look of human skin, the red of my hair, the color of my clothes and the scar on my forehead.  I practiced it until one was mistaken for my own body.  Impaled, drenched in water and left to decay on the street.  It had been a great success for me.  A nightmare for the ones I used it on just to test.  I could kill twice as many people by using it, let it soak in the blood and return it to me.

I shivered.  My clones were not like Naruto's.  They didn't have an independent mind.  They were nothing more than a puppet, controlled from a distance.  Where was my mind heading?  I needed to concentrate, before she woke in my room, in my bed.  Alone.  To rummage through anything I might have left near the bed where she could get her little hands on it.  Little.  She was still shrinking.  Not by much, but I noticed in her hands.  Every day a little thinner.  Her fingers slimmed, her nails narrowed.

I had better things to do than think about soaking myself in the blood my sand clone would gather for me.  My hands hesitated over the legs.  I forgot to measure them.  So I made them a bit generic.  The legs were unimportant in a kiss anyway.  Next, was her stomach.  I touched the sand and pulled it out from the form, molded it carefully in her image.  I hadn't touched her there in a while, but I created what I remembered in my mind's eye.  Then, I created her breasts, her shoulders, her arms, then finally - her face.  Here, I concentrated most.  The recently made outlines of her jaw, the placement of her jaw and where it met with her skull.  The angle of her cheekbones, how the skin covered the bones, the far too thin, yet soft feminine way her face was now shaped.  I placed her whiskers, the small creases in her forehead.  Worry lines.  I wanted to smooth them away, take all of them away from her.

Yet, if a kiss would make her happy, I was determined I would give her one.  I pulled on the colors within the sand.  Her skin was tanner than my own.  Her hair a yellow blonde, a light pink to her lips.  The azure blue of her eyes.  I stared at it.  I twitched a finger and it smiled at me.  Another twitch and it opened it's mouth.  I leaned forward and began to work on the inside of it's mouth.  Teeth, not perfectly white, but close.  A reddish tone to her tongue.  I leaned back.  I had it move it's head left to right, up and down, then had it lean back onto the pillows.  I sighed.  Not Naruto, but it would do for practice.

A kiss was two people pressing lips together.  It was an odd gesture, but one Naruto craved and I wanted to oblige.  Besides, the idea was forming a deep curiosity.  I want to know what it would feel like to have her lips on mine, to share breath.  I want to know what she tasted like.  I stared at my puppet and groaned.  Sand to sand.  Only for me to get used to the sensation.  To figure out how I should approach it.  I wanted to be the one to kiss her.  She took the lead when we... When she...

When the baby was made.  I wanted to lead this.  Even though I didn't have any idea about what in the world I was doing.  I moved to the bed and sat next to it.  It was just a kiss. 

My first kiss was going to be with a puppet.  I groaned.  It would be better to not think about it.  I pushed my head to the puppets.  Our lips locked and we stared at each other.  Pressure, steady and firm.  I wasn't sure what the fuss was about.  What was so special about this?

"My life just keeps getting weirder.  Not even sure I want to ask why you are kissing a sand puppet."

The fake Naruto disintegrated in less than a second.  I looked over to my son who was grimacing from the doorway.  "Shinki." I choked on his name, embarrassed.

"Where is?" He didn't say the name.

"In my bed."

His face twisted more.  "And you are here kissing sand?"

I kept silent, allowing it to be my answer.

He came up to me and flopped into the chair next to the bed.  "You need to tilt your head.  The way you were sitting there nose to nose with it would just be damn awkward."  He leaned forward, leaning his elbows on his knees.  Then he sat back up and run his fingers through his hair.  "I don't know what you want from me."

I removed the expression from my face.  I didn't know what he meant, so I concentrated on the first thing.  "A kiss is done with a tilted head?"

He groaned.  "I am _not_ going to elaborate to my own father how these things work." He crossed his arms and settled back into the chair.  "Especially when it concerns him.  Her.  Whatever Uncle Naruto is at the moment." He shifted, but kept his position this time.

I tilted my head in inquiry.  "Her.  She is my wife now."

"I know."

"I don't recall asking you for anything beyond the artificial flower."

"You didn't ask anything out of me." He shifted his eyes away from me.

"Then why did-"

"An expression." He stressed the word.

I frowned at him.  "I don't understand.  There is nothing I need you to do.  Naruto is here, she is now married to me and soon, there will be a new life."

He shifted again, still not looking at me.  The muscles in his arms flexed, then he stood up.  He walked to the door without a word and grabbed for the handle.

"Shinki, wait." I pushed on the door with my sand.  There was something wrong.  I needed to talk to him.

"Let me open the door."

"There is something bothering you."

His head swivelled back to me, his eyes wide.  "You are the most oblivious person I know.  Of course something is bothering me.  My uncle is now my mother somehow, pregnant with a sibling, a sibling I was _never_ supposed to have.  This also is a ridiculous concept within itself considering Uncle Naruto is my uncle." He stressed the word.  "As in he shouldn't be able to get pregnant."  He turned back towards the door.  "It was just us.  It was always just supposed to be us.  Wasn't I enough for you?  Why..."

I felt my stomach drop.  I should have talked to him sooner.  "Shinki, I-"

"Let me go.  I don't want to do this." His knuckles went white as his grip tightened further.

I removed the sand and he left in a rush.  Numb.  I felt numb.  Everything was wrong.  Everything.  Why could nothing be simple for me?  Why couldn't I understand?  Why was it so difficult for me, why did I have to be so different, why did I always hurt the ones I cared about most?

I killed him once.  The image would always be there in my mind.  The knowledge I was capable of it.  My son, my precious son.

I dragged myself back to my room.  My legs were heavy.  I had to concentrate to ensure I was breathing.  I failed my son.  I entered without looking up.  I wanted to rest.  I wanted to touch her.  I wanted her presence, her ability to calm me.  I heard her voice, but I didn't listen.  I moved the sand around her on the bed and crawled in.  Today, I was using it.  I didn't care about the implications, or the rumors, or modesty, or worry, or future or.

I laid back, pulled her to my chest.  I heard my name, but I didn't care.  I held onto her.  I needed this.  Her.  This moment.  This time.  I couldn't-

I would never-

My eyelids drooped and I felt the sand begin to circle me.  Naruto.  I breathed her in, the weight of her life on me.  I could feel her heartbeat through the sand.  This close, I knew she was alive.  This close, I could feel the weight of the child within.  This close, I knew this is what was meant for us.

I only could hope my son would come to understand why.

.*.               .*.               .*.

For a moment, I couldn't remember why Naruto was plastered to my chest.  Staring at me, her hand dangerously wandering my body.  "What are you doing?"

"Since I was stuck in your arms I decided to keep myself busy." I held my breath as the hand wandered down from my side.

"Unnecessary." I picked her hand off of my hip and placed it back to her own, ignoring the small protest she gave.  I used my sand to gently place her back into position and sat up.  I crossed my legs, elated my bed was large enough for me to do this with while another person was laying in it.

"You could have left me there, ya know." Her bottom lip jutted out and her eyes squinted.

If I left her there, her hand would have continued, and this was something I didn't want to contemplate.  "I think my son is angry at me."

Her eyes opened back up and the jutted lip became an honest frown.  "Nah, you shouldn't worry about it." She shifted and brushed her hand on the baby.  "Pretty sure it's me he's mad at.  Just talk to him or something when he's ready.  Even I get why he's out of it." She gave a small laugh.  "Kinda regretting having the kid call me uncle."

"You spoke to him."

She hummed.  She looked up to the ceiling and I followed her eyes.  There was nothing there.  It felt... Wrong, somehow.

"You will stay here from now on.  I will have the equipment transferred."

There was a movement next to me, then everything stilled.  "You want me to stay here?"

I shifted only my eyes in her direction.  "It is my preference, so it will happen."

She gave a slow nod, then gave a small gasp.  Her fingers splayed out on her large abdomen.  "Moved."

The baby.  It moved.  Enough to make her gasp.  My fingers twitched and I fully lowered my head to watch her stomach.  Maybe it would move enough to see?  She gave a broken laugh and her hand rubbed the stretched skin beneath her gown.  I couldn't see.  I wanted to feel.  I wanted to-  I moved my hand before I lost my nerve, spread out my fingers and placed it firmly on her.  I felt a swift bump to my hand and I retracted it.  I frowned at Naruto.  "I think it kicked me."

My heart twisted as tears formed in her eyes.  Maybe I shouldn't have touched, maybe I shouldn't have- Her hand grabbed mine and placed it back.  "Feel.  She's just excited to feel you."

There was another bump to my hand, then an odd ripple.  This was the baby.  Very alive, my child.  Wait.  "She?" I looked up to her.  My lips began to turn upwards of their own volition as she nodded.

"Yeah, we are having a girl, a daughter.  She is your daughter, Gaara." She gave a breathy sigh.  "I've been wanting to say it for so long.  The one thing I could tell you myself."

 _Daughter._   A fluttering tingle erupted my stomach and my hand flexed over the skin which separated me from my tiny child.  What was this feeling?  Another ripple then a whimper came from my wife.

"Damn, that hurts.  She kicks you and punches my freaking ribs.  Think she is going to be a feisty one." Her face changed from elated to sad to fake smile so quickly I could barely catch it.

Reminder.  I pulled my hand away from her abdomen, from our child, our _daughter_.  I tried not to look, but my eyes kept sliding down to Naruto's swollen belly, then back to her face as I fought to contain the odd feeling inside me.

"So, what is it about the mark on your back that made you want to hide it from me?"

I found out a single sentence was enough to remove the tingly sensation in my stomach.  I took a deep breath.  "An explanation?" I held up one of my hands, palm up and began to remove the sand from it.  Craving.  I craved it, her hand, her touch.  It was becoming an impossible thing to resist this one simple thing.  Nearly a year ago the idea of me willingly holding Naruto's hand would have been...  I froze.  I would have welcomed it, who was I trying to fool?  With a sigh I pulled her hand to mine with my sand and encased us both in it.  I would not allow her to pull away.  This time, this touch, this warmth, it was for my own comfort.  "I imagine you recall the fact I was kidnapped and murdered by the Akatsuki."

I nearly winced at the glare she sent me with the statement.  "I would prefer not to."

I squeezed her hand.  For once, I understood.  I watched her die, I held her in my arms as her body went cold and rigid.  I held our child, our daughter as she too followed her mother into death.  The cold, lonely place of death.  Maybe it would be better for her, she was born to be more than a tool.  If I were to die again, would I be so lonely?  Would it be different?  "I know." I couldn't look at her.  Not with what the reality of the mark.

"Gaara, what is it?  Why are you so afraid to tell me?  Is it something you got when you were attacked?"

"Yes and no."  She groaned and I felt the tug at my hand.  I hardened the sand.  I closed my eyes and concentrated on the warmth within my hand.  Mine.  To spite everything, she was here, with me.  She was _mine_.  The very fact I was even alive was against all realms of logic.  I needed to hold onto the hope she too would overcome this obstacle.  "I was dead long enough for rigor mortis to set in.  It took days before the stiffness went away."

"I remember.  I helped you up after you refused the others."

I squeezed her hand again.  I could do this.  I forced myself to look at her and met her eyes.  "I was gone long enough for blood to pool in my back where it was closest to the ground.  Everyone thought the deep bruising of the skin would fade.  At first, I covered them up so I wouldn't remember.  Then, after a few months, it began to be apparent they may never go away.  After a few years, I only hid them to save others from being reminded of my death and the most important one to let forget was always you.  The marks are a constant reminder.  A discoloration of the skin because the blood in my body rested there too long before I came back to life."

This time, it was her who squeezed my hand.  "Gaara." She ended my name with a whisper.  I searched her face with any signs of disgust or anger but found none.  Instead, she wore a smile, but her eyes indicated she was sad.  I wasn't sure what she was feeling.  "This warmth in your hand, the way your chest moves as you take in breath, they all remind me of your life.  The marks on your back, maybe they should just be seen as a reminder to this.  How precious your breath, your warmth is because, for one terrible day, it was gone."

I tilted my head at her, her acceptance of my strange condition.  Her reasoning to be grateful for it.

I need to kiss my wife.

.*.               .*.               .*.

I stood outside my son's door with my knuckles raised and hovering near the wood.  I wanted him to help me with something, but I was sure he would just slam the door in my face the moment I asked.  If he opened it.  Or, he would make a door out of his own sand if I forced my way through and demand his audience.  So, instead I stood as still as a statue, my hand hovered precariously and inch from my son's bedroom door and willed him to somehow know I was standing there desiring his attention.  I glared at it, boring a hole inside of the wood with my eyes.  Or, I wanted it to burst into flames with my heated gaze.

Figure of speech, Shinki told me this.  A fancy way to lie, because none of these figures of speech ever made any sort of sense.  None of them.  Now, I wanted something from him, and I am sure it was still not the meaning to 'what do you want from me'.  I frowned at the door.  Shinki's my son, I should not be afraid of parenting the boy.  I pulled back my knuckles then shot them forward, intending to rap on the door, yet, I stopped a mere inch from it.  I sighed.  I could mask my words to get a world at war to agree to protect my Naruto, but I could not knock on my own son's door because I was afraid he he would slam it in my face.  I am pathetic.

The door opened.  "I swear, if you stare any louder I will go deaf."

I lowered my hands to look at him.  A frown was etched onto his face and he leaned against the opened door.  "Shinki."

"You actually want something from me now." He raised on of his eyebrows and a small smirk replaced his frown.

"How did you-"

"You are very predictable.  What is it?"

"You are going to have a sister."  He rolled his eyes and went to shut the door but I caught it with my hand.  "I want you to help me shop."

He froze.  His eyes widened and he half laughed.  "You go and have some kid and you want me to help you buy things for it?"

I stared at him.  "Well, yes.  Other things as well." Was this not what I just said?  I frowned.

He groaned.  "Fine, I'll go, but only because you are..." He trailed off, frowned and continued.  "You."  He went to shut the door again, but my hand was still on it.  "I need to get ready.  I'm not going out like this."

I let the door go and it closed shut.  I went downstairs and paced next to the door.  Shopping.  I hated doing it and I didn't want to go alone.  I couldn't have Naruto go with me considering her condition and the tiny fact the world thought she was dead.  And a man.  It would be an interesting story to tell a curious shopkeeper if they pried into it.  I could tell them.  Watch their shock, then crush them if they made any remarks.  At all.  Then, she would get mad at me for killing some random guy who was curious about us and I simply didn't have the desire to deal with it.  I wrote down the possible scenarios, and this outcome happened far more often than I was comfortable with.  I also couldn't ask Kankuro lest I subjugate myself to his antics and quips about my relationship with a woman who was just a few months ago my very male best friend.  My male best friend who's clone my brother had intimate relations with and I was not going to deal with suggestions on how to help make my proposal more romantic due to his experience with the male version of my wife.

"So what all are you after anyway?" Shinki appeared next to me without a sound indicating his presence before he spoke.

"I am unsure." I tilted my head and studied his face paint.  It mimicked my design I painted on my gourd.  Mine. My son.  It was his choice to do it and I was elated when I seen he had.  The fact he still did it amazed me, after all these years.  Kankuro changed his designs every couple years if not more.  Puppetmaster's prerogative.  This is what I've been told anyway.

"Do you know where we are going?"

I kept my gaze steady and my voice silent.  How was I supposed to know these things?  He was four when he came into my care and I always sent people out for supplies then.

"No, of course not."  He gave a small sigh and pushed past me.  "Come on, I have an idea that doesn't involve going to the markets."

I followed him out of the house and into the streets of Suna.  The heat travelled through the sand to my skin and I concentrated on the moving form of my son.  It did not take long before he entered a building and motioned me to follow.  The inside was small yet the purpose of the place was obvious.  There were a few shelves of items for infants, six bassinet displays, a shelf of little books and a wall of toys, bottles and blankets.  "How did you know of this place?"

He shrugged.  "I'm going to have a sister." His voice was low, angry sounding.

I wasn't sure if he was angry about the child, or excited considering he took the time to both find this place as well as make a rattle for her.  I sighed and left his answer be.  I wandered the shop, trying to figure out what I needed.  What would I need?  How did one take care of an infant child?  What was required?  What were the bottles for, did it eat food or did it just drink water until some time when it somehow deemed itself able to eat along with the larger people around it?  How long before it would talk, what was required in order to teach it such things?  Shinki was already broken in.  He ate, used the bathroom and ate, this was simply... Confusing.

I felt a finger press between my brow and I found myself face to face with my son.  "You're getting confused."

I blinked at him and pulled the muscles in my forehead in an attempt to erase the wrinkle which must have shown up to tattle on my emotions.  "I am not sure what to do.  What does a baby need?"  I watched Boruto for a night, but the tiny thing slept almost the entire time.  Mostly.  I recall shutting him in a bubble for a little bit because he cried, but then he stopped.  I still am not sure why.  I sighed.

He turned from me and poked a bell.  Soon, a woman came out from a door behind the counter and her jaw nearly fell off of her face the moment she comprehended who was in her shop.  "Lord... Lord Kazekage." She bowed.  "I was not expecting you." Her face was panicked, her eyes darted from me and my son to the door.  She was mentally preparing an escape route.

Wonderful.  Even now, after all these years my people still mentally prepared themselves for the worst with me.  "I was not expecting to come." My eyes drifted over to my son and she followed the invisible line.

"He is kind of young to be having children, isn't he?"

I heard him choke and I smiled.  "Not for him."

The woman frowned at me.  "Then, you know someone who is having a child?"  Her face began to relax as she spoke.  "I have some things which would make nice baby shower gifts."

Baby shower?  "People shower with babies?"

" _Father_." There was a hard jab to my side.  "What the nice lady wants to know is what your needs are."

"I don't know what my needs are."

He groaned.  "There are days I'm amazed I made it past the age of four." He approached her and leaned on the counter.  His face was a mimicry of my own, completely blank, serious.  "Alright, here is what will happen.  My father, the Kazekage, was married in secret.  Follow this word, secret.  Which means you will help out, and never speak a word of it.  There is going to be a new baby soon and he never has had to deal with one and has no idea what he needs, and his wife also is pretty clueless.  Now, what I need you to do is gather everything needed for a new child, as well as a few books and toys, and send them to the Kazekage residence.  Send an invoice, before the delivery if you desire payment beforehand with a detailed list of what is being sent."

I stared at my son while he told the shopkeeper what he expected of her.  She merely nodded and pointed to the bassinets.  "You will need one of those.  You might want to choose which one yourself." Her voice was small and her eyes were wide.  Shock, I'm sure.

I nodded and neared them.  Different colors and styles, though thankfully not many.  I found myself staring at an overly elaborate one.  One shoved full of as many pink and purple ruffles as could possibly fit within lace and silk.  A small silk covered hood in white, a ribbon tied around the outside which ended in a large bow.  It was ridiculous.  It was girly.  It screamed 'princess' in a very obvious and spectacular way.  "I desire this one."

I ignored the groan from my son.

I didn't say another word until we were walking down the street towards... Somewhere.  I didn't know where I was going again, but I was sure if I kept walking I would figure it out.

"What are you planning on now?"

I kept walking.  He followed me silently until I found myself at an indoor park.  A few cacti and desert plants were littered within the place which was much more comfortable than sitting in the direct desert sun.  I sat on a bench, letting out a breath as I did.  I focused my attention on a nearby cactus as I heard him follow suit.  "I am going to propose to her."

He didn't say anything.  He didn't groan, or sigh or protest.  He stayed silent which was more unnerving than him protesting. 

"Do I have your permission?" The question surprised me, but I found they held truth in them.  I love Naruto, but I also wanted us all to be a family.  I was already married to her, but I still wanted him to be ok with it.

"Isn't it a bit late to be asking me?" His voice was barely a whisper.  Hurt.  I think he is hurt.

"I'm sorry."

He gave a small sigh.  "You can't take her out.  Not yet.  Do something nice, like cook for her.  Your cooking always beats out anything I can get at a restaurant anyway."

"Cook for her?" I looked up at him and I found he was smiling at me.

He nodded.  "I'm hording in on dinner by the way.  Maybe you should show her your puppets, like you used to show me when I was little.  Dessert too.  I deserve a dessert for this."

"Are you sure this is for Naruto and not yourself?"

"It's for me, but I'm sure she'll go for it.  I mean, she can't have changed too much." He shifted and the smile fell.  "I'm sorry.  About yesterday, I didn't mean-"

"You don't like the idea of Naruto being your mother?" I challenged him.  I knew what he meant, and I knew he meant what he had said. Even though I didn't fully understand every aspect, I knew he accused me of choosing her and the child over him.  "You will always be my son, Shinki.  No matter what happens or how many children we might have."

"I don't need to know what you are planning on doing with him."

"Her."

" _Her_ then.  It's weird.  Uncle Naruto is my uncle.  Was.  It's a lot to try and get used to, but I will try."  Try.  This is what I told Naruto about her request. 

"I can work with try." I frowned.  "I am not sure I am ready for this yet."

"Me either." His smile returned.  "We can figure it out together, right?"

I nodded, the weight which settled on my chest lifting up with my returned smile.


	16. Proposal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yatta!  I managed to actually finish this thing.  7600 words in a single day in order to do it, so hopefully it comes across the way I wanted it to.  Won't keep you long with the note, but as always, reviews/comments serve to inspire :D

 

 

** Naruto **

I woke to the sounds of loud scraping, bangs and things banging against each other.  I groaned, not yet ready to wake up, but the noise was constant, yet intermittent and every time I felt like I could get back to sleep -  Bang!  Something else sounded to keep my mind from going back to rest.  I opened my eyes to the ceiling and stared at the spiral there.  I smiled at it, the way it circled around itself, then the way it- wait. 

I blinked my eyes to bring myself out of my half asleep daze to look around the room.  What the hell was going on?  This was Gaara's room, why was there a spiral on the ceiling and- I flinched.  Dark teal eyes, narrower than his father's, stared at me only inches away from my face.  There was no expression on his face and I realized things were being moved around the room with dark looking sand.  He wasn't as quiet in moving things as his father, it would seem.  "Seriously, you people are creepy."

"You made a noise and I thought you were waking up." He stayed where he was, inches from my face, expressionless.

"So you hover?  Your dad does the same thing."

He shrugged and finally moved back a bit.  "Family trait."

I stared at him.  Family trait?  "And you think that's normal?" If I made it through this, how many times would I wake up to a ton of silent eyes staring at me?

"Uncle Kankuro says I cried the first time Father did it to me." His voice was monotonous, dull.  Matter of fact.

"So you want to make me cry then?"

"You didn't." He tilted his head in a perfect mimicry of his father.

"You didn't deny it." I narrowed my eyes at him in accusation.

He shifted his eyes away from me and moved his arm.  "The delivery came today.  Father had a meeting so asked me to bring things up.  Decided on revenge while I was at it."  A bookcase on the opposite wall was swallowed in dark sand and unceremoniously moved to the middle of the room while something else was put in its place.

"Revenge?"

"My father has a habit of rearranging rooms without permission.  This is the first time I have been unattended here."

"I'm here."

One side of his lips lifted up into a smirk.  " _Unattended_." To emphasize his meaning he flipped his wrist and something else moved to the other side of the room  "Besides, you likely will want to be on my good side, even if you could do anything about my vengeance I doubt you would actually stop me anyway."

I groaned and worked at sitting up, realizing Gaara must have stopped concentrating on my sand pillow in order for me to be flat on my back and able to stare at the ceiling.  Speaking of ceilings... "Why is my spiral on the ceiling here?"

Shinki looked up and frowned.  "I have no idea."  He lowered his eyes to me.  "Your spiral?"

"Yeah, i'm the one who drew it.  I got bored one day, cloned myself and drew it on the ceiling down in the guest room.  Surprised he left it there after all this time, a little more surprised it is here over his bed.  When did it happen?"

"I don't know." He turned from me and walked to the door.  "My father is a strange man, then again so are you.  Or, you were.  Whatever."  He lifted up his arms after shoving the door open and several large packages floated in on dark metallic sand.  "It's bad enough I had to go shopping with him, now to be stuck with the moving..." The packages thumped onto the floor as the sand dissipated.  "And I can't even ask you for help either." He groaned and started to open the boxes.

"What is this stuff anyway?"

He didn't say anything, just continued to open the boxes until all of them were open save for one.  He picked it up and sat it next to my bed.  "For tomorrow, don't open it.  Father will be cross if you open it." His voice was back to a monotone and I watched him return to the boxes in the center of the room.  Bit by bit he emptied the contents, and with every item, I felt my stomach drop.

"He took you shopping for the baby." I tried to keep the hurt out of my voice.

"Not like you can go." His eyes shifted to me, his face still blank.  "He only picked out the bassinet anyway." He shoved his thumb over his shoulder towards the door.  "Waiting until these are unpacked until I bring it in."

My vision began to blur.  I couldn't even shop for her so I could to give her something specifically from me.  If I died, she would have nothing from me.

"Hey, wait- Don't cry.  Oh come on." He stuttered a little and grabbed a sheet out of one of the boxes and thew it at me.

It was a little baby sheet for the bassinet.  It was so small.  Pink.  With little flowers and hearts embroidered on it.  My heart twisted and I held it to my chest, crumpled within my hands, the tears coming faster.

"You were supposed to use it to wipe them _away_ , not use it as fuel for them." He groaned and grabbed at my hands.  "Come on Uncle, lighten up.  I can get a book if you want so you can pick something out.  Just stop, alright?"

His words didn't help, only made me cry more.  I wanted to stop, but the tears just kept coming, the weight in my chest growing with every word.  Gaara's son.  _Uncle_.  Why had I told him to call me that?  Because I was a man and Gaara was a man and I was married and Gaara didn't seem to have a sexual bone in his body no matter my errant thoughts on him, that's why.  Now, here I was, married to his father and somehow supposed to pull of being a parental figure in this kid's life if I managed to keep my heart beating three weeks from now.  "It's only three weeks."

I heard him inhale through his nose, then felt the bed dip down next to me.  "I'm not ready to share him."

I wiped at my eyes to get a better view of him.  He was sitting on the bed near me yet facing away.  His voice was low and I barely caught what he said, but it was there.  I smiled at his words, and I remembered back when Gaara pulled me aside all those years ago, after he adopted the boy.  "When he adopted you, he thought he made a mistake."

He stiffened.  "Jerk."

I groaned.  I'm not good at making points.  "Hear me out on this.  If you didn't know he thought it, then you don't know why he did."

The stiffness left his shoulders and he turned to look at me.  There was a definitive frown on his lips, his eyes cold.  "Isn't it enough to know he thought I was a mistake?"

I blinked at him a few times for his interpretation of what I said, and realized there wasn't really another way to take it without the full story.  I groaned.  Oh.  "Shinki, you are probably the single best accomplishment in his list of accomplishments to date."

"Until your daughter is born." His eyes drifted to where she was in my abdomen.

My heart dropped.  "You're his son, nothing can-"

"Not by blood." He interrupted with rushed nearly silent words. "When she is born, I'm going to lose him.  She will be his, _really_ his." His voice sounded tight and his voice broke on the last word.  "I'm just some kid he picked up at an orphanage because I had the ability to move sand in order to avoid getting a wife." His eyes moved back to me and narrowed.  "Now with you, with her, there is no real reason to keep me around.  All these years preparing to take over for him, all this time I tried to prove myself to be worthy to be part of his family, all my efforts they will-" He turned his head away sharply as his voice cut off.  His head bowed down and his shoulders hunched.

I let him be for a moment.  I could tell he was crying, and with Gaara as his father I was sure he believed emotion to be a weakness.  I wanted to comfort him, but I knew acknowledging his tears would only make it worse.  Instead, I decided to tell him the story.  I felt guilty for making him feel this way, it was my fault but I didn't regret my decision to keep her, to attempt a relationship with Gaara.  Of pushing myself into Shinki's life whether he wanted me or not.  "The first meeting after he adopted you was when I learned of it.  He pulled me aside after all of it, insisted on advise because Boruto was three at the time so I had at least some experience at the whole parenting thing.  He thought he made a mistake by taking you in and wanted to know what to do."

"I think you already mentioned it." He didn't turn to look at me, but his annoyance sounded in the bitter tone in his voice.

I didn't pay attention to his words and continued.  I might only have a few weeks left, and I wanted him to be able to have a decent relationship with his sister.  It was selfish, but I wanted her to have a good life.  A family.  It was more than I ever had, and if it was one with healthy relationships, it would be more than Gaara ever had either.  "He thought you deserved more than he could give.  He was afraid he would ruin you somehow."  _Naruto, all the creature does is cry for it's mother.  I've made a mistake.  I've made a terrible mistake._   Gaara's voice rang through my mind.  I remembered because he looked and sounded so panicked.  A rare occurrence for him.

"What do you mean, ruin me?" He turned just enough for me to see the side of his face.

"You wanted your mother and it was something he knew he couldn't give you.  He told me toys and servants didn't make you happy and he couldn't get you to stop crying.  Thing is, I got it.  I still get it.  Your dad spent most of his life separating himself from his parents, while people like us want the connection.  I wasn't the best dad, you know.  I had nothing to go on, no idea how to pull off being a parent."

"So what advise did you give him?" He turned fully to me, his eyes red but his face carefully left blank.

I smiled at him.  "I didn't, not really.  How could I?  I just told him to keep wanting you and you would eventually come around.  Hell, I had to force people to want me.  Bugged the hell out of them until they would even know I was there.  I was kicked out of the orphanage when I was eight.  You know that?  Told me I was a waste of fucking space and money." I scoffed.  "Bastards." I looked up to the out of place spiral and smiled at it.  I remembered the old man coming for me one night.  Taught me how to cook an egg and put me in a tiny room in a rundown apartment building so I would be out of the weather.  "Your dad didn't even notice me for a while.  Not interested.  It's what he said when I asked if he wanted to know my name."  I laughed.  "Funny how things work out, isn't it?"

He didn't say anything, just continued to sit on the edge of the bed and started to move things around again.  Bit by bit Gaara's room turned into a fully stocked and elaborate nursery.  Then then door opened and Shinki lifted himself off of the bed.  He moved his arms out and something else came in.  Pink ruffles and white silk and bows adorned the small, expensive looking bassinet and I couldn't help but laugh at it.  "He was determined on this, sorry."

I smiled at it, warmth lifting the weight in my chest some.  "Promise me something."

He hummed as he worked at finding the perfect place for the atrocity of pink ruffles.

"Help him with her, you know, in case."

"In case?" He looked over to me, then downcast his eyes.  "Oh." He shrugged.  "Fine, I'll promise, but you will be fine."

I looked back up to the spiral.  I'll be fine.  Maybe if I told myself this enough it would be true.

"You should go back to sleep.  I'll be back in the morning to help you with the box." He placed the bassinet near the bed to the point it would be difficult for Gaara to get on the other side if he chose to.

"The box?"  Oh, the package he told me not to open.  "Sure I can't have a little peak?" I gave him a wide, narrow eyed smile.

"Not until morning.  You probably aren't going to like it anyway." He gave me a sideways glance and frowned.  "Then again, you might."  The frown slowly turned into a smirk.  "After all, after my father ignored you the first time, I'm sure you knew you would want to become a woman to make him your husband."

I snickered, at least he was in a better mood now.  "Yeah, absolutely.  I took one look at him and told myself I was going to spend the rest of my life with the psychotic guy from Suna."

His smirk faded away and he turned from me.  "Get some sleep." He left through the door and it slammed shut behind him.  I flinched at it, wondering what I said which could have turned his mood again.

He was the one who brought up my first meeting his dad.  Dang.

.*.               .*.               .*.

I woke to a sharp pain in my forehead.  I groaned and rubbed the spot and found myself face to face with the moody boy from last night.  "Wake up, you sleep like the dead." He flinched at his own words.  "Sorry."

I ignored the words, noticing he had bopped my head with the box from yesterday.  "Alright, it's a new day, right?  So what's in the box, tell me."  I reached for it and he pulled it away.

"Say please."

"If I could use chakra, I would hold you down and take it by force." I narrowed my eyes at him in threat.

"Yet, you can't, can you?  Therefore, I have the upper hand.  Say please."

I groaned.  "Fine, please?"

His lips twisted upward.  "Not good enough.  Say Shinki, wonderful son of my husband, by the graciousness of your hand, please allow me the pleasure of-" More vocalization and I stared at him in silence.

He wanted me to say what?  "You don't honestly want me to say all that do you?"

His smile widened and I groaned.

Yes, he did.  "Fine, Shinki, wonderful son of my husband..." I blanked.  What else did he say?  "Can I just have the darn package?"

He tossed it at me and I caught it.  It was mostly flat in the shape of a long rectangle.  It didn't weigh much.  I frowned at it and shook it a little while holding it to my ear in an attempt to guess what was inside.  "Just open it."

I frowned at him, but did as he said.  I undid the ribbon, then lifted the top off.  Then moved aside the tissue paper.  I stared at it.  Hell no.  There was no fucking way Gaara got this for me.  It had to be a joke, right?

"It's a maternity dress."

"I see that."  I lifted the thing out of the package.  It was a neutral brown.  Plain, but looked like the loose garments I seen some of the people wear while walking around this place.  "Why?"

"I can't say."

I glared at him.  "If you're fucking with me-"

"Why would I want to see you in a damn dress?" He had a point.  "Put it on."

"Fine."  I held it up and groaned.  "I need help."

His eyes widened and he tilted his head.  "With what?"

I pointed at the dress.  "I can't stand."

He turned from me and I found myself engulfed in dark sand.  It burned my skin, but I felt myself hoisted up off the bed and on my feet.  I winced at the movement, but it felt oddly nice to be standing even if it weren't of my own doing.  "Stand still."

"Nah, thought I would go for a run while I'm up and about."

"Shut up.  arms up." 

I raised my arms and I felt my garment being tugged up from behind me.  My face heated as I realized Shinki was actually going to be dressing me.  Embarrassing.  I swallowed and stretched my arms out a little more so he wouldn't have to struggle and be done with this as quick as possible.  Soon, the gown fell from me and the dress was shoved over my head.  I went to help pull it down and the baby kicked.  Hard.  I gasped, but kept my hands still as I felt a muscle tighten around my middle.  I hissed at it, but kept still as the dress was pulled into place.  "Thanks."  I lowered my arms.  When I did, I felt a weird 'pop' in my stomach.

"What the hell was that?  Did your back crack?"

"No..." I was overcome with the need to go use the restroom.  "I have to pee."

"Well, hold it a second, I need to tie-"

"I need to pee.  Now."  I stressed the word as I felt moisture slowly trickle down my leg.  "I'm serious, right the hell now."

There wasn't another word, I was just moved off to a side room where Gaara's personal bathroom was located and was moved next to the toilet.  "Can you hold yourself up to... Do what you need to?"

I began to pull up on the dress, happy with the ease of access it had.  So this was why women wore skirts...  "Yes."

He spun around.  "I do _not_ want to see."

I was sat down on the toilet, but then nothing came, just the small drizzle which started in the other room.  The hell?  I shifted a little, then the oddest thing happened.  There was a gush of liquid, which soon stopped and went back to a continuous drizzle.  "So fucking weird.  Damn."  Another shift, another uncontrollable gush.  I shivered at the sensation and took a deep breath.  Was I losing my ability to hold it?  Great, now I would have to be in bed with a damn pee pan or some such rot.  I groaned as another gush came out of me.  I tried holding it, but it just came anyway.

"What, did you drink a gallon of water this morning?  That isn't natural."

"Fuck off." Another gush, but this time it was slowing down.  Hopefully this was a once off thing.

"Aunt Temari left pads in the main bathroom if you think it will help."

Pads?  "Pads for what?"

"I'll be back."  He didn't answer my question as he quickly retreated from me, not that I blamed him.

I sighed.  "Fucking embarrassing.

Thankfully, by the time he returned my bladder seemed to once again be functional, though what he presented me was possibly more embarrassing than peeing myself in front of him.  I held up the tiny piece of fabric in front of me along with the oblong sticky backed thing he called a pad.  "I'm supposed to do what with this?"

"How am I supposed to know?  Uncle Kankuro says its for women issues, and this is a pretty descent woman issue, isn't it?" The usual calm and confident air he held was gone and in it's place was a kid.  A completely confused and panicked looking kid.

I cleared my throat.  I was the adult here, supposed to be anyway.  Yet, I was just as freaking confused as he was if not more so.  I looked at the tiny wisp of fabric and I frowned at them.  Scratch the ease of dresses, this sucked.  Boxers were a heck of a lot more comfortable than this thing looked like it would be.  For a brief and uncomfortable moment we locked eyes.  "Out."

He turned crimson then turned and walked out of the bathroom. "Yell when you're done." I flinched as the door slammed shut.

I sighed.  For the first time since I woke up here, I wanted my nurse.  Whatever her name was.  I tried getting her to talk to me, but she only muttered something about it not being a good idea and ran off.  Weird girl.

.*.               .*.               .*.

I slapped at Shinki's hands as he messed with my face.  "Stop it, I'm not a damn girl."

"Yes you are." He returned the brush to my face after sand encompassed my hands so I would stop swatting at him.  "I promised I would have you ready, so you're going to sit still and let me do this."

I bit at his hand and he groaned at me.  "What is so damned important I need to wear a dress and wear makeup?  I mean, he knows I'm not really a girl right?  Why would he want me in this shit?  I swear, if he laughs at me-"

"Shut up and let me put lipstick on you."

"What makes you such an expert in makeup anyway?" I narrowed my eyes at him.  After all the crap he put on me, I was sure I was looking like a clown by now.

"I said for you to shut up." He grabbed my chin and began to brush some kind of a paste on my lips.  "This is a Suna tradition, you will get it soon enough, now let me do this."

I mumbled, but kept quiet when I felt a nail dig in underneath my chin.  Torture.  This was torture.  When his hands moved away I took my chance to talk again.  "What is so traditional about all this anyway?"

"The style of makeup.  Traditionally a female family member would be the one to do the makeup, but there aren't any available here.  Father doesn't trust my uncle with you alone, why I'm not sure because he wouldn't say, so you are stuck with me."  He moved the purple face paint both him and his uncle used for their daily use.

"I thought that stuff was only used for war paint or whatever."

He picked up a small brush.  "That, and this.  This is a twice in a lifetime sort of makeup, so deal with it."

Twice in a lifetime?  "What the hell does that mean?"

He grabbed my chin and shoved it to the side.  I winced as the cool liquid face paint made contact with my skin.  "Cold."

" _Now_ you fucking tell me."

"You swear too much." The brush travelled around my eyes and slightly in towards my nose.

"Whatever.  I'm not changing more about myself to suit you."

He pulled the brush from my face and met my gaze with his own.  He didn't respond to this, merely held my eyes in an icy stare.  He dipped the brush back into the face paint, grabbed my chin and pushed my face to the other side.  "Shut up."  Cold wet followed the same pattern around my other eye.  "Now hold still, I mess this up we have to start over."

I held my breath as his hold on my chin tightened.  The cold wet returned to the corner of my eye and followed past straight to my hairline.  He lifted the brush.  "You are putting on paint like you would for-"

"I said hold still."  He turned my face to the other side and he began the same process.  "Almost done."  The brush carefully traced over the areas he already painted.  When the brush lifted, he let go of my chin.  He sighed.

"Now what?" I eyed him, not sure I wanted to know what else his father had asked him to do to me.  If his father wanted this.  Somehow, I doubted it.  Gaara never seemed to care much about makeup before.  I felt an odd iciness seep into my chest.  Or did he?  Images of Hakuto and her heavily painted features flashed through my mind.  Maybe he did like makeup.  Was it some kind of weird Suna thing?

Shinki held up a strand of little pointy pieces of hair.  I think they were hair.  "I need you to close your eyes.  This, I've never done, so wish me luck."

I stared at them.  What was he doing to my eyes with those?  "I'm not sure I like all this."

"Close your eyes.  I would close them for you, but it would ruin the makeup."

I grumbled about how unfair all this was, but I did what he asked.  I squirmed a little as he poked at my eyes, but I held still, afraid whatever he was poking my eyes with would end up in my eyes, then all of his work would be undone.  After what felt like an eternity, he stopped.  "Ya done yet?"  I shifted and cursed the creepy thing between my legs.  I seemed to have stopped peeing myself, but at least I felt as though I had protection just in case.  Was this common in women, or just when they were pregnant?  I really don't remember Hinata peeing herself when she was pregnant, but then again if she were wearing one of these damn mattresses between her legs when she did, I probably would never have known about it.

"Not entirely.  Just your hair is left."

"My hair?"  I felt safe opening my eyes, but they felt weird, almost heavy.  "What did you put on my eyes?"

"Lashes."

"It's tradition."

I groaned.  Again with the tradition speak.  "Why all the trouble with tradition?"

He moved a tray of crystals to the tray next to me.  He took a deep breath.  "All right, to be honest, Father didn't specifically ask me to ready you per tradition.  However, as I mentioned, this is a twice in a lifetime makeup.  I can't explain it to you, but this is a surprise for him.  The dress, however, he did order.  Which is traditional, and I know his fascination with tradition and what he will likely want later on and this is traditional." 

"A surprise for him?  Do you think he will like me done up like this?"

He blanked his face and tilted his head at me.  "You ever see a child look through a window of a toy store?"

I nodded, remembering the glossy fascination Boruto and Himawari would get when we would pass by.

"Then you know what my father looks like when faced with this particular thing.  He doesn't look that way often, so consider it your payback for taking him from me."  He held up a crystal and I noticed it was backed with a small hair pin.

I frowned at him.  "I didn't take him from you."

He twirled the crystal in his fingers. "Your hair is short, so hopefully I can get them to stay.  Traditionally, the hair is pulled back away from the face, but I can't do that with yours."  He reached up and started to mess with my hair.  I kept quiet as he fussed with it, one by one the crystals left the tray with every small pinch to my scalp.  When he placed the last pin he sat back and smiled at me.  Then he frowned.  "Uncle Na-" He stopped himself, then, "Kisarei, we should try to get along, shouldn't we?  For father."

Kisarei.  I swallowed, reminded of my previous decision.  "Shinki, if I manage to get through having the baby, I..."

"When."

I blinked.  "What?"

"You said if.  _When_ you make it through having the baby.  You aren't going to die."

My throat tightened.  I swallowed and changed the subject, feeling my eyes water.  "How did you become so versed on this tradition?"

He frowned, but went with the redirect.  "If I told you, you would know what it's for and it's a surprise."

"I thought this was a surprise for your father."

He smirked.  "Just the makeup and hair."  He leaned back and with a flip of his hand I was encased in dark sand. 

I was raised in the air and moved back out of the bathroom.  "You're acting better with me, why?" I narrowed my eyes at him, suspicious.

He stiffened and turned to me in slow motion.  "It's easier when you look like this."  He turned away from me and moved me in front of a giant mirror.  "You should see.  You don't even look like you."

Some of the sand fell away from me and I was face to face with someone I barely recognized.  I had still been bruised and swollen back at Temari's, and I still changed more since.  I swallowed.  "No fucking way, that's me?"  The brown dress was oddly flattering considering my very round belly, loose around the hips, yet tight around my chest and shoulders.  My hair almost sparkled with all the crystals pinned in it.  I thought it would flatten it completely to my head, but he had managed a way for it to still look a little loose and disheveled.  My lips were painted a pale pink, my face even with powder and purple face paint outlined my eyes in a similar fashion to Gaara's, but with a slight downward point near the nose and a straight line ending at my hairline from the outside corner.

"Like this, I can see why my father is fine with being married to you."

I gave a nervous laugh and the heat of my face reflected in the mirror.  I stared at myself.  I didn't quite look like what I envisioned myself as a woman with my sexy jutsu, but I was still... Pretty.  Damn pretty, actually.  "Hell, I'd do me." I wasn't overly busty, nor did I have the widest hips.  Yet...

He groaned, a sickened expression on his face.  "Then, you open your mouth and I remember who you are.  Let's go, he's probably fuming about me being late."

"Late?" I still couldn't tear my eyes away from the reflection in the mirror.  Maybe I would learn how to do makeup if this was the result.  No wonder women fussed about it so dang much.

He hummed and moved me away from the mirror.  He opened the door and began to head out the door.  When he began down the stairs, I felt a strange, clenching sort of pain in my abdomen.  It wasn't bad, but it made me groan a little from it's unexpected presence.  He stopped halfway down and looked up to me.  "You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I shot him a smile, and when he turned from me I rubbed over the baby.  She moved beneath my hand and I relaxed.  She was fine.  Weird though.  I turned my head as we passed by my old room and frowned.  Where were we going?  Another flight of stairs and I floated silently behind him.  Soon, we were near the kitchen.  Something smelled delicious and sounds came from the room.

Shinki turned to me a moment, gave a small wave and headed in without me.

"Hey kid, thought you were bringing Naruto with ya." Kankuro.  So, he would be there to see me in this getup as well?  I smirked.  Actually, it's perfect.  Especially with the Gaaruto thing, I wonder if he would just get jealous.

"Would you prefer I bring her down?" Gaara, his voice was calm, even with his usual deep gravel.  I shivered from it, amazed at my own reaction to it.

I heard a scraping noise, I assume from a chair.  "Stairs." It was the only word he said before I felt myself lurched forward down the last bend in the stairs. 

I took a deep breath through my nose, feeling a little nervous as I descended the last bit of stairs.  Slowly, the kitchen came into view with Shinki and Kankuro lounged at the table, and Gaara standing near the stove with an apron on and... Staring blankly in my direction.  My heart leapt to my throat as our eyes met, and I noticed his eyes widen for just a moment as I came fully into view.  Then, his eyes darted around the room, then settled back on me. 

"Naruto." My name was a whisper on his lips.  His eyes stayed on me until a small timer went off behind him.  He cleared his throat and turned back to what he was doing.

I was moved to the table and sat next to Kankuro.  "Hey." I gave him a small smile and waved, feeling more than a little self conscious.  I kind of felt ridiculous in all this, but I also felt like, well, a woman.  It was weird.  I wasn't sure I liked it.  It was something I should probably get used to, especially if I managed to be around in a month.

He cleared his throat.  "I see Shinki got creative." He gave a nervous laugh.  "Traditional?  A bit much, don't you think?"

Shinki gave a small shrug.

I looked over to where Gaara stood over the stove and wondered what he was up to.  "I thought you guys had people to cook for you."

"Yeah, usually.  Never, ever say no to a dinner from Gaara though.  Just a warning."

"It would be the last one he would fix you."

I swallowed.  I didn't even know he cooked.  At all.  Ever.  "He cook often?"

Gaara looked over his shoulder at me.  "No." One word, then back to his task.

I shifted.  Uncomfortable.  This was weird.  Why was Gaara cooking?  I couldn't shake the feeling there was something going on, but I couldn't quite pinpoint what it could be.

"Don't get me wrong, blondie, but you're kinda hot like that." Kankuro gave me a really creepy grin and I shrunk away from him.

"Don't even think it, puppet boy."

A small wall of sand formed between us.  "Aw, come on, can't I even admire-"

" _No._ " The word was a quiet hiss, a silent threat embedded within the simple word.

Shinki snickered and leaned back in his chair.  "Knew he'd like it."

Before I could say anything, steaming bowls floated to the table on sand, followed by a very domestic looking Gaara.  He gracefully sank into the chair next to me, his eyes trained on me in an unblinking stare.

I felt my face heat up under his gaze, the odd tingling in my stomach returning under his intensity.  I shifted my focus to my bowl and smiled at the noodles inside, with thin strips of what looked like beef and shaved vegetables.  The noodles were too flat to be ramen. 

"Egg noodles.  I have not yet learned to make ramen, nor do I have the desire to learn.  I am hoping these will suffice to ease your usual desire of noodles."

"Um, yeah, it's fine Gaara, thanks." I grabbed my chopsticks as the sand wall between me and Kankuro fell and picked up a noodle to look at it a bit closer.  Egg noodle, huh?  I looked up and realized all three of them were staring at me, expectant.  Dang, did he poison it or something? Was he that bad of a cook, or were they just curious how I would react to it?  "Hey, why you all staring at me like that?  It's damn creepy."

They kept staring at me and I lowered the noodle back into the bowl, feeling a surge of nervousness.  "Just eat the damn noodle." Kankuro leaned back into his chair and crossed his arms, looking irritated.

"Kankuro, another word and I won't cook for the next year." Gaara's eyes flicked over to the irritated man sitting next to me.

He paled and gave another nervous laugh.  "Hey, I'm kidding, you take your time, kid." He looked back to Gaara and made the motion of zipping his lips.

Gaara growled at him and Shinki looked completely unfazed by the entire exchange, keeping his eyes steady on me while they spoke.  "This meal was made specifically for you." His voice was monotonous as usual, and after he spoke all eyes were back on me. 

I smiled nervously at them.  "You people know how to make a guy nervous, you know that?" My stomach dropped after an odd look passed over Gaara's face and I realized what i said.  I wanted to apologize, but I was afraid it would only make it worse.  He'd been so good about everything, accepted my condition without a word, embraced the idea of us being married and here I was throwing reminders about me being a guy in his face.  Looking like this, it was probably an odd thought considering how very girly I was in this thing Shinki shoved me in.  I grabbed a noodle with my chopsticks and shoved it in my mouth in hopes it would distract from my earlier words.  I hummed at the taste of it and shot a wide eyed look to my husband.  Since when did he cook?  Like this?  This was freaking fantastic.  I tried to pinpoint the spices, but it was mild and blended so well I couldn't decipher anything but... "My god Gaara, this is damn amazing."  I grabbed a few more noodles and shoved them into my mouth and I noticed Gaara relax some while his family began to eat as well.  His family.  Mine?  The idea still felt strange to me.

"Aren't you going to eat?" Shinki's voice was softer than usual.

"Perhaps later." Gaara kept his eyes on me as I ate, making me feel a little guilty for eating in front of him.  "Temari comes in a week.  It will be nice to have her here again."

I nodded as I felt another odd pain like before and I frowned between bites of noodles.  Seriously, this was weird.  I quickly stuffed another bite of food in my mouth to hide anything which might have showed on my face from it.  Maybe I moved wrong earlier?  Probably nothing.

I finished before the other two and declined a second bowl when Gaara offered it to me.  When they finished, Gaara asked for us to be excused.  Shinki told him to relax, and after he gathered me up with his sand in the form of a chair and headed back up the many flights of stairs to his room.  He carefully placed me back onto his bed, creating the backrest from before out of sand.  "Why didn't you tell me you could cook?"

"Because you would ask me to cook for you every time I seen you." His eyes were fixed on me.  "I see Shinki rearranged my room while I was away.  I shouldn't have let him in without supervision."

"I was here."

He ignored what I said.  "I apologize for my son.  He did not tell me he was going to do this."

I pointed at my face.  "You mean the makeup?  It's alright.  He said you would like it."  I paused, wondering what all the fuss was about.  "Do you?"

He cleared his throat and averted his eyes.  He hissed out a yes and sat on the bed next to me, this time facing me.  "I have an affinity for tradition, and this, what you are wearing, is highly traditional for Suna.  For this."

"This?" I still couldn't shake the feeling something else was going on.

He took a deep breath and met my eyes.  "Yes, _this_." His eyes drifted away from mine and his worry wrinkle formed between his brows.

"You're nervous about something.  What's going on, Gaara?  I might not be the brightest g-" I cleared my throat, catching myself, "Girl around, but I'm not entirely stupid as to not figure out somethings up."

"Naruto, I have a story to tell you."  He crooked a finger and a small, oblong box flew over to him with the aid of sand.  "Here, do not open this until the story is done.  It is important you understand the meaning before you see it."

"You _are_ nervous." I frowned at him and took the box.  What was he nervous about?  What was he up to?

He sighed.  "Yes, but it is unimportant.  I must tell you this story." Sand began to gather in his lap while he spoke.

I eyed it.  "Okay..." I trailed off, not sure where this was going.  Pain.  Another one.  I bit my cheek to hide it.  What the hell?  Maybe I should let Gaara know after his story, this was starting to feel wrong.

"When Shinki was small, I started to use sand puppets to tell stories.  It was the only thing which entertained him.  More than the toys, more than any words I could use, no matter how much I gave, this simple little thing made him smile." His hands gripped the sand in his lap and he let it run through his fingers.  "He suggested I use it to tell it.  I've... I've never shown you."

I smiled at him, wondering what he meant by sand puppets.  "I'm watching."

He gave a quick nod and the sand in his lap moved, creating a large flat surface.  It moved in waves, small wisps of sand flowing through the small expanse.  "Suna was not originally a ninja village.  It has been here much longer than any of the villages, steeped deep in tradition.  The way of life here tends to be different than most other places, and at it's heart is the founding of this place.  It is said a nomadic group of people who travelled the desert had a good life.  They were prosperous, kind and loved the sand." As he spoke, small figures appeared in the sand, tents up, tiny sand fires at the center of the tents.  "However, there came a day they were caught off guard.  A giant sandstorm came without warning and threatened to bury them alive." A twist of his fingers and sand swirled around the village, destroying the tents as it did.

It was everything I could do not to look at his face.  His eyes glistened as he spoke, a childlike smile played on his lips as he concentrated on what he was doing.  I smiled, and forced myself to pay attention to his story. 

"They fought their way through the winds, and just when all hope was lost, a girl appeared within the sand and guided them into a sandstone fortress.  Within the stone walls lived a family, low in numbers and in need of supplies.  Though they lost most of what they had in the storm, the nomads who had survived readily shared what they had left, grateful for the sanctuary of the rocks." It occurred to me the sanctuary of rock he built looked suspiciously like the rock formation around Suna.

"Suna?"

He gave me a small hum to confirm my suspicion and I continued to watch as he displayed his story in intricate detail with sand.  "When the storm calmed, the nomads were loathe to leave the sanctuary and promised to help build and cultivate so the family within the walls could be self sufficient in exchange for continuous shelter.  They readily agreed, and the first village was formed as the nomads took root within the safety of the stone walls.  They built houses of the surrounding stone, built places to grow food, found places to put wells for water.  Yet, beyond this the family became ill at ease."

I frowned.  "Why, they had what they needed to live by having the nomads there."

His eyes flicked up to me.  "Yes, but listen."

I nodded and looked back down to the display.  The people began to move amongst the buildings, a large house in the center.  "The nomads began to idolize the family for saving them, gave them things beyond their means, starved while they gave everything to the family just as a means of thanks.  A boy amongst the nomads however, seen their unease and befriended the girl who saved them, who had become a woman in the time which passed.  He fell for her, and she for him.  The family was fine with their choice, but the nomads were against it.  The boy was one of them, and the family was beyond them.  More than them.  He was nothing, and deserved nothing, so they forbade him from seeing the girl."

"I'm not sure I'm liking your story."

He shot me a quick glare and continued.  "So, the boy decided he would find a way to be worthy.  If he could find something valuable enough, perhaps they would let him marry the woman he loved.  So he left." The tiny village within the stones disappeared back into a flat representation of a desert with a hooded figure walking across it.  "On the way, he befriended a goat herder, traded his water for a few goats." The figure gained four small animals next to him.  "He befriended a farmer near an oasis who exchanged seeds for the very cloak upon his back.  Then, after he exchanged what was left of his food for a rooted patch of desert grass, he returned.  For the nomads, all his newfound riches were still not enough to prove himself.  So he built a farm at the edge of the sanctuary.  He planted the small patch of desert grass, and it grew into a field.  The goats bred and became a full herd.  The seeds he planted became food, and one became something else.  A flower.  One of such exquisite beauty it compared to nothing else.  He cultivated it, grew more.  He waited.  He waited for them to notice how much he could contribute."

I was in awe at the detail Gaara's moving sand made as a small field formed in the far corner of the sanctuary, goats, a well and flowers littered the portion near the field.  The more he spoke, the raspier his voice became, and I found myself secretly making plans to find ways to make him speak to the point his voice returned to this level of dark.  "The time came he was ready to once again proposition for the girl's hand in marriage.  He came prepared with crops, with goats, with water and a small box."  He paused here until I met his eyes.  There was something odd playing within their depths.  Something serious and I found myself gripping the little box he handed me.  My heart gave a small flutter and I realized I was nervous.  Why, I wasn't sure.  Maybe it was the story.  Or the fact he had given me a box which looked almost identical to the one he made inside the story.  I swallowed, and his eyes returned to the sand.

"The family and the nomads were grateful for the gifts presented, acknowledged him for his kindness.  But, it was the last thing which made them accept his offer of marriage.  Inside the box, was the flower.  It had been dried until it petrified, tied onto a braided handfasting rope." The man who had given the gifts stood next to the tall house, his hand holding the woman's, their arms raised.  "So they were allowed to marry, and it started the tradition here.  For many years, real petrified sand roses were used for the necklaces, but when they became scarce, jeweled ones replaced the real." The display ended and he shifted forward.  "It is a simple box, designed like they were back then.  The lid slides off from within the wooden groove."

I swallowed.  My heart raced as I looked back to the box in my hand.  I trembled as I slid the cover off and seen what was inside.  The round rose from within the display, but orange.  Orange which was brilliant and changed color as it moved.  It was tied to black, and blue and... It was beautiful.  "Gaara?" I tore my eyes away from the necklace, wanting to ask so much, but unable to find the words.

Sand melted away from his skin as he reached out to grab hold of my hand.  Warmth, soft, intense.  "Naruto, will you do me the honor of choosing to be my wife?"

Tears filled my eyes and I found my voice was gone.  I nodded my answer.  Marry me?  Again?  I could live with that.

A brilliant smile spread on his lips.  One like I had never seen on him and it set my heart on fire.  I was lost in it, then, without warning I was pulled into a tight embrace.  Hot fingers traced my chin, moving my head up, and- Heat.  Soft, breathy heat.  Gaara was a mere inch from my face, his nose nearly to mine.  "Naruto, I love you more than life itself." His words were a heated whisper I could feel on my lips.  I breathed in his words and then his lips were on mine.

Thought was gone.  A shock of pure bliss shot down my spine and I melted into his embrace.  All there is and was and ever will be was Gaara and heat and this soft pleasure ebbing its way down from my lips.  Hands tightened on my arms, a hitch of breath and-

My world crashed back into the present.  I groaned into his mouth as a sharp, intense pain rolled from my back and into my abdomen.  Wrong.  Something was- I pushed at him as it began again.  His lips parted from mine and I cried out from it.  My world became pain and pain was everywhere.  I gasped for breath.  "Wrong, it's.. Something..." I whimpered at the nearly steady pain and I crumpled, clutching onto whatever was in front of me.

Another pain, more intense, more... everything.  I gasped, my eyes widened.  No.  It can't... "Too soon, oh god, it's too soon." 

I'm not ready.

Not yet.  Please, _not yet_.


	17. Delivery Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to make this all the way to through the entire delivery, but with my work schedule going crazy I haven't been able to write as much as I would like.  Besides, this is already getting long, and it made a decent cut-off, so the answers you want from the last chapter will be addressed in the next chapter.  I am going to do my best to get the next chapter out as quickly as I can, it is already over a thousand words in, so hopefully I can manage to do it pretty quick to spite my full work week.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like this, and as always reviews/comments serve to inspire.
> 
> <3 Thank you all for reading :)

 

 

** Gaara **

"You're going for a traditional wedding, aren't you?" My son was lounged back onto the couch, both arms and legs crossed.

I chose not to answer him.  Those closest to me knew my fascination with the ages old traditional ceremony so I found it pointless to confirm his question.  Instead, I completely ignored his presence and signed the paper on the desk in front of me.  Something about adjusting the budget for building repairs.  I didn't much care about it, but read enough to know there was nothing fishy hiding in the document which warranted any special attention.  A simple matter, easily resolved by relocating funds from the monument budget which hadn't been active since my own father's rule of Suna.

"So, are you going to get her a dress?"

This time I looked up from my paperwork.  "Dress?" I frowned at him, wondering where he was going with his line of questioning.

"Isn't it traditional for the girl to prepare for the official engagement in a traditional wedding underdress?  I read up on it since you told me you were planning on proposing.  Her family is supposed to get her ready by dressing her in a formal wedding underdress.  For the high family, she traditionally wears full makeup and hair."

Traditional makeup and hair?  I set my pen down, folded my hands on my desk and studied him.  What was he up to?  "I am fully aware, but our circumstance is not ideal.  Besides, your Aunt is currently in Konoha and I do not wish to wait longer than I need to.  The necklace arrived this morning, so I will keep with my plan of presenting her with it tomorrow."

"I could help get her ready with the dress, you just need to get it."

"I have too much work to do." I cleared my throat and picked up my pen.  I hoped he didn't notice the slight shake in my grip.  Naruto, in a wedding underdress was almost too much for me to think about.  The pen hovered over my desk, the tip only a half inch away from the ever important paperwork which always cycled through and repeated over.  Move this fund to sustain this project.  Remove funds from this project to help fund this thing.  Remove the money from this thing to help the fund.  This was half of my life as Kazekage.  Moving money around until projects were completed and needed to moved back to where they came from.  It was nearly impossible to keep track of it all.  The traditional underdress was loose and only hinted at the form underneath.  They were made to be for virginal brides, but-  Did they even make one for women who were with child?

The dress, if they did, would show our child, without the gown the subtle curve to her breasts, the soft- I cleared my throat.  No.  I couldn't allow Naruto to wear makeup, not if she was also wearing the dress.  Could I?  I tried to imagine her with the purple lines on her eyes, and I just couldn't picture it in my mind.  It would be wrong, in a sense.

"Father."

I shifted my eyes off of the top of the desk where I had been staring while fantasizing about what my wife would look like in a dress and looked at my frowning son.  "Yes?"

"You're drawing on your paperwork."

"Hm?" I shifted my eyes down and noticed a vague outline of a woman in the middle of a budget report.  I felt my face heat and my sand cracked to show my embarrassment.  "At least this is only a report, a copy for my own files."  I flipped it over so I wouldn't be staring at my own unintentional doodle.  I leaned back and my son placed a small folder over it.

"Forgive me, I took liberties in finding dresses which would be suitable.  All the shops are in the underground, and I know you don't go into markets." His lips drew up into a thin smile and he leaned back into the chair across from me.

I looked at the folder and frowned at it.  "Why are you helping with this?" I looked back to him and studied his reaction.  I couldn't help but think he was up to something.

He was still and expressionless, then when I didn't think he would respond to me, he spoke.  "It isn't that I want to help specifically.  I just know how you are when you see the wedding march.  This has nothing to do with your wife, and everything to do with you." He smirked at me.  "I know this is the only proposal you're going to do, so you might as well do it up the way you want to."

I sighed and eyed the folder.  "I have no idea what size to get."  After a small hesitation, I flipped it open and was surprised to see a single dress inside.  A brown one, simple and highly traditional.  The model for the dress was heavily pregnant and was designed perfectly for showcasing her unborn child and womanly neck and shoulders.  I picked up the picture and flipped it over, yet there were no other pictures or options available within the folder.  I pointed at the picture and sent my son a silent question.

"Good choice." He stood and walked out of the room, leaving me behind to groan at his antics.  There were some days I was reminded he was also raised by my annoying vulgar sibling.

"I don't believe I had one." I glared at the boy who returned with a small oblong box and set it on my desk.

"Ordered and delivered.  You are welcome, you owe me something now."

"I am already letting you and your uncle horde in on Naruto's engagement dinner, is this not enough?"

"You were going to let us do that without me getting you the dress.  Besides, it took me a while to find one that would fit.  Not a lot of places make them, and it was literally the only one I could find that would work for what you want."  He paused and smiled at me.  "You might get a few calls asking why you let me have kids so young.  Everyone thought it was for me, and I didn't exactly correct them." He gave a small laugh.  "Figures, my Father and uncle are both such confirmed bachelors the obvious choice for the entirety of the population is just to assume I got someone pregnant."

In the middle of Shinki's speech, Kankuro came in and flopped down onto the couch.  "While this is probably an interesting conversation, I have no idea what you guys are talking about.  Fill me in."

"Shinki bought Naruto an engagement dress."

He sat up.  "You're really going to do it?  I mean, isn't it kinda pointless, you two are already fucking married, what else is there?"

I put the picture back into the folder and turned the incriminating drawing over.  I was not going to feed into this.

"Leave him be.  Now, help me convince him to put his wife in the high family's makeup."

"We are not the high family." I refused to look up.

"I've heard the first Kazekage got support by the natives of Suna by marrying into the high family."

I set my pen back down.  I had looked once.  I wanted to know my own roots.  "There is no proof of this."  I hunted for over a year for some sort of lead, but there was nothing.

He shrugged.  "Makes sense though."

Kankuro hummed.  "Kid's got a point.  Besides, you put Naruto in a dress, she should wear the makeup.  Revenge for how much she's made fun of mine.  I could get her ready and do the makeup for her, I'm practically an expert in Suna face paint techniques."

" _No_."  I sent him my most poignant glare.  In my mind, I still could see him hovered over Naruto's clone, the version of my wife's body with it's legs hooked over his shoulders, and the sounds it made as he- "You are not allowed to _ever_ be alone in a room with her." I turned my gaze to Shinki in hopes of erasing the memory from my mind.  "Your idea, you get her ready."

I didn't pay attention to either of their reactions, and soon there was a grinding at the door alarm, and soon after the buzz of gears hitting chimes filled the room.  I didn't feel like getting up, so I opened the door from where I sat to spite how nervous most people got when confronted with moving sand.  While I tried on most occasions to ease my people's mind about my ability, I had no desire to put on a front whilst in my own home.  I ignored the stammering of whoever was at the door and proceeded to write down a list of ingredients I would need for tomorrows dinner.  I froze momentarily in the middle of the list.  What was I making for dinner tomorrow?  I bit at my lip as I tried to think what I could make which Naruto would love.  I know Naruto loved ramen, I however could not make this.  Noodles, perhaps noodles would do?  I knew one recipe which called for them.  It would have to do.  I finished the list as the clambering at the door continued.  The only people who would come to my door without my previous knowledge tended to be delivery people of some sort, so they would do.  I didn't want to call for someone, so this person's timing was ideal.

When I brought my eyes away from the paper I stared at the ridiculous amount of boxes which now was filling my living room turned office.  What was all this?  I shifted my eyes to the delivery person who was watching as Shinki maneuvered the last of the boxes in with his own sand.  I stood from my desk, walked over to the person and handed them my list.  They frowned at me, looked over the list and coughed.

"But, Lord Kazekage, I don't-"

I turned from them.  "I desire these items by morning, I shall compensate you for the trouble."  I headed back towards the stairs, tired of working.  I hesitated at my desk, picked up the folder containing the image of Naruto's new dress, and headed out of the room to let the three of them sort out whatever needed to be sorted out.  Were all those boxes the supplies from the shop Shinki took me to?  Were so many packages necessary for all this?  I swallowed the strange feeling which arose in my chest and tried to focus on the other thing which was keeping my mind occupied.  Tomorrow, I would propose.  Tomorrow, I would find out if Naruto would go through the motions of marrying me by choice rather than necessity because of our child.  It was something I wanted her to know from me as well.  The fact I too, choose to be married to her.  It was something I wanted, needed, craved.  I wanted it to be for life, and after I pulled her though the birth kicking and screaming if I had to, I could commence in this forever life with her.  I paused outside of her room.  My room.  Ours.

How many days would I come from the office and find her here?  Would she wait for me in the kitchen, fixing a new meal, a child on her hip?  Would the child be resting, and instead she would be here, laid back on my bed, waiting impatiently for my return?  I wonder if it were possible to keep a woman perpetually with child.  A heat began to form in my stomach and I chided myself for my errant thoughts.  She was heavily pregnant, untouchable to a certain degree and here I was, thinking about keeping that round stomach of hers very full.  My earlier fantasy of a house filled with children returned and I sighed at the door.  I didn't even know if I could actually get her through this, let alone if it were even possible for her to become pregnant again if I did manage to do it.  One more week, and they would start to arrive.  The medics from Konoha along with my sister, followed by a couple of days the midwives the Mizukage had promised me.  This was all on top of my own doctor, Kimiko who I had insisted on tending to her, as well as Naruto's current nurse who I had forbidden any form of direct communication with ever since she untied her back before her memories returned.  I allowed her to keep her position, but she was on a thin line for her employment.  Very thin.  There were also a few midwives from the local hospitals, as well as a few old traditional midwives who had been recommended by Kimiko.

It might be ridiculous to ask for so many.  There would be a team of five of my own, three from Konoha and the Mizukage promised two of his best to come.  Yet, I felt it for the best.  Sakura and Kimiko would be able to fully attend Naruto during the birth this way, and a full staff of midwives on hand to do what they needed for both my wife and daughter.  With the extra help, I wouldn't have to worry about one or two of them tending entirely to her, my tiny daughter.  I planned two separate meetings.  First, there would be one with Sakura and Kimiko to go over the emergency plans for my wife, then a full meeting with the extra visiting midwives to put in place an emergency contingency for my daughter.

Why was I just standing outside my room thinking about these things when I still had three weeks before I had to worry about it?  Before I might have my heart ripped from my chest while it still beat and bled deep into the floor where I stood for eternity.  I had three weeks.  Three weeks to create the memories she wanted to make with me.  Three weeks to pour every ounce of my soul into her and try everything in my power to make her as happy as possible until she-

I refused to finish the thought.  I wouldn't accept it.  She can't die, I wouldn't let her.  Not _her_.  I pushed through my door and found the steady rise and fall of my wife's chest as she slept.  She seemed to only be awake a few hours a day, but she needed her rest if she had any chance at all.  Make up for all the clones she had made after her chakra system was compromised.  I sat next to the bed, not wanting to climb in next to her lest I accidentally wake her.  Though I had found her presence addictive, and I wanted to know how it felt.  How it fully felt to have her body laid on mine, without the barrier of sand, possibly without clothing.  I hoped to someday experience this.  Would her heat consume me?  Leave me as ash to mix with my sand and become unrecognizable amongst the grains.  My fingers traced over my lips.  Kiss.  This would be the first full skin to skin contact beyond holding hands.  Beyond the moment the flesh of my most sensitive of areas had made contact with hers to spark the tiny life now growing from deep inside her.  Would I be able to withstand such a sensation?  Would it be as simple as it felt with my sand puppet, or would it be more all consuming?

Without thought my hand landed on the rise in my wife's abdomen.  Wife.  _My_ wife.  My stomach was almost queasy from the thought of it.  I was still getting used to the idea, the idea of the permanence of it, the idea that said wife was, of all people, my _Naruto_.  I flicked my eyes up to her face to make sure she hadn't stirred from my touch, and when I was satisfied she was still sleeping soundly, I pushed down into her abdomen with my chakra.  I did it as carefully as I could, and I felt a small tremor run through her.  I paused to make sure I hadn't woken her, but she was thankfully still.  With a soft sigh of relief I returned my attention to what I was doing.  I felt down inside of her.  I splayed my fingers out and pressed softly into her delicate skin.  I cleared my mind and closed my eyes so I could picture what I felt beneath the skin there. 

I felt carefully until my chakra met movement.  My breath hitched as I felt it there.  Her there.  My daughter.  This was her, this tiny being.  I could _feel_ her.  I licked my lips as I felt around inside.  It was strange, as though she were inside of a bubble.  I pushed inside of it and she twisted.  Her tiny hands flexed out, her legs flexed.  Alive.  This tiny person, she was my daughter.  I lowered my head to her.  A deep flood of emotion filled my chest, an emotion I wasn't sure I could identify beyond stifling.  It threatened to cut off my airways, threatened to cease my heart from beating.  "Hello, little one."  I whispered the words to Naruto's abdomen, hoping they would somehow reach her and she would understand.  I pressed in, just a little further.  Hot.  Ridiculously hot.  A searing heat penetrated up through my hand and I flinched back, pulling my hand from her with a wince.  I opened my eyes and looked down to my hand with a frown.  I would probably not have any skin there had I not been wearing my sand shield, and I was silently thankful for it.  My hand steamed from the heat, a slow cracking started to move from the center of my palm and out towards my fingers.

I shifted my gaze back to Naruto's abdomen.  Naruto's seal was there as well, and I must have accidentally moved too close to it, and was burned by the demon's own chakra.  I shook my hand and worked at replacing the grains which covered the lightly burned flesh, relishing the cool new grains with a sigh of relief.  I frowned at my own actions.  Don't be attached, yet, I found myself wanting this child more with every passing day.  I needed her to live, I needed her mother to live.  Couldn't I just be able to enjoy this?  Was I not even allowed this one luxury in my life?  To be excited for the coming of my first child with the woman whom I loved so deeply?

I leaned back into the chair and gazed up at the ceiling.  I stared at the blank surface a while wondering why it felt as though there was something missing.  I rubbed my sore hand and pondered the why for this feeling.  My eyes widened.  I knew why.  Because she spent so much staring up at the ceiling, a focal point.  It was missing a focal point, the thing she needed in order for her to... Do whatever she did, it seemed.  Did she have something similar at her own house?  I couldn't recall, though I don't believe I ever really looked up at her ceilings when I was there, and I had a vehement aversion to her old bedroom.  The reasons were unclear to me then, but now it felt obvious, looking back at it with what I knew now.  Why I felt sick every time I thought of _him_ sleeping in the same bed as his wife.  The him I couldn't have, the him I was never allowed to touch, the him I could never lock up in a room and disallow another person to come near if they so chose to live.

I blinked at the odd last thought.  Was this what I was doing?  Locking my Naruto away from the world so they couldn't have her?  I tilted my head at her as I pondered the idea.  Possibly.  After the baby, after a public marriage should she choose to say yes to my proposal, I would not be able to do this.  They would demand her presence, and it would solidify my family's position.  The people of Suna craved a high family to spread rumors about, and mine had been in the position since the first Kazekage.  When I adopted Shinki, they demanded him at all public events, every speech, every gala.  It was overwhelming for him, and he usually just hid behind me, buried within my long coat.

My long coat... I felt my face heat up at the memory of Naruto in it, the way she looked as she moved over me just before-

I swallowed and reminded myself not to allow him to ever touch the coat again.  The memory of it was tainted, personal.  When Naruto got better, I would dress her in my clothes just to- _No_.  This was pointless.  I shifted and frowned at the ceiling.  Spiral.  I should replicate the spiral there, give her something familiar within my room.  She would be here until she was better, then until we were married by the traditional ceremony, hopefully, and I could move us to wherever it was I would move us to.  There was no way I would allow my daughter to traverse these steps.  Shinki had given me enough panic attacks when he was young with the stairs, I did not want a repeat of it.  Besides, Naruto needed time to heal, and the stairs were simply unconducive to it.

I reached out and brought over an inkwell, opened it and worked at soaking my sand in the substance so I could start recreating Naruto's downstairs spiral here for her.  Once I was satisfied the ink had absorbed into the sand I pushed it up to the ceiling, concentrating on the image within my mind.  I myself had taken comfort in the odd spiral through the years.  It was nothing more than a graffiti mark on my ceiling, but it had been done by Naruto's hand, and the knowledge of who's hand had created it, made it comforting to me.  Soon, a perfect copy adorned the ceiling above my bed.  I smiled at my handiwork and took care of the ink.  I packed away the darkened sand after noticing it looked suspiciously like my son's.  I could use it on a later day to mess with him. 

My smile faded as I packed it away into a drawer.  What was I doing?  Planning on a prank for my son?  Since when did I do such things?  I must have been spending too much time with Kankuro for my own good.  I opened the drawer, then decided to shut it again.  Just in case, for whatever reason, it could come in handy.  I sighed and headed back downstairs.  Naruto was still asleep, which was a good thing for her energy reserves.  I would see her tomorrow.  Tomorrow, when I cooked her dinner, told her a story and asked her to marry me.  Again, but by choice.  I would kiss her, no matter her choice.  I swallowed as I descended the second flight of stairs from my room and I looked at the picture of the dress Shinki got for the engagement.  I stilled midway down the stairs as I pictured what she might look like in it.  Her now smaller frame, her small soft curved bits and the larger curve to her abdomen where the child lay.  The odd heat I had fought since my initial encounter with her returned.  I closed the folder quickly and destroyed it with my sand.  It wasn't good to be daydreaming when I still had work to be doing.

Especially daydreams of my wife in an engagement underdress.  Naruto.  In a dress. For _me_.  I cleared my throat and continued down the stairs, annoyed by the painful throb in my groin as I moved and the sand hit my more sensitive areas.  Self medication, vulgar or not, might have to be a serious option for me if I couldn't just will it away.

But for now, I hadn't time to even ponder it.  I had a meeting in a half hour.  However, when I entered the living room, it was still packed with boxes.  "Shinki, why are there boxes in here?"

He was lounging on the couch, his feet up while he read a book on foreign policy.  "Your baby, your decision." His eyes slid away from the book and settled on me.  "Where do you want them?  I can move them if you want.  You have a meeting tonight don't you?"

"Yes." Where did I want the boxes?  Where did I want the baby to be?  I stiffened as I realized I hadn't thought about _where_ the baby would be.  "My room.  Unpack the boxes, and be quiet.  She is asleep, and she needs her rest."  Yes, it would be perfect.  I could keep an active eye on both mother and daughter from a single vantage point.

"I'll be quiet." He marked his place in the book and began to move boxes up the stairs with his sand.  "Don't look for me, after I'm done with this I think I'm going to go to bed, alright?" He didn't wait for me to answer and headed up the stairs with his first load of boxes.

I sighed.  This was going to be a very long meeting.

I eyed the box labeled 'Bassinet' and remembered the pink ruffled thing I had picked out for my tiny daughter.  She would be beautiful in it. Will she have Naruto's hair?  Full of sunshine, brightening the world with her smile...

This would be a very long meeting indeed.

.*.               .*.               .*.

I paced the floor.  I told the person I wanted my ingredients by morning, and the break of dawn was three hours ago.  Did they not hear I would compensate them for their efforts?  Did they not desire my pay?  I fought images of how Naruto would look in a dress.  I wondered how she would look when she watched on as I made noodles by hand.  They may not have been her favorite type of noodles, but I was not going to try and master ramen in a single go.  Besides, there was a ramen shop in Suna.  It was underground, but it was here, and why would I compete with them for this one thing?  Now Naruto was a citizen of Suna through her marriage to me, she could go to it.  I paused in my pacing as I smiled at the thought.  What would her face look like when she realized I had an Ichiraku ramen brought to Suna for her?  Would she be happily surprised, or would she be angry because it has been here for a few years and she didn't know about it?  It would have been pointless to tell her, with their location within the underground market.  Only the people of Suna were allowed within the underground.  Simply going past the doors would have been a treasonous act for any non-Suna ninja to do.  I had to do a ton of paperwork and provide trusted escorts just to get the owner of the restaurant down there so he could open.

I wanted up here, but it is simply too hot to run a ramen stand above ground.  I sighed.  Maybe I could have someone take her to the stand after she recovered.  Maybe I could.  I tensed at the memory of crowds and people and getting touched by unknown persons.  Could I?  For her, if she managed to pull through, I would try.  Just so I could see her face as I presented the stand to her.

The familiar sound of grinding at the door preceded the melodic tune which flowed through the house.  I reached out with my sand and opened the door to show the same delivery person from the day before.  "You are late."

"It's still morning, I couldn't shop until today because of my job with-"

"Follow me." I turned from the delivery person, not caring about their excuses and headed to the stairs.  They were late and forced me to worry about their arrival, they were now going to carry my supplies up to my kitchen.  Without my aid.  I smirked to myself as I headed up the stairs towards the kitchen.  Served them right for making me worry.  Their Kazekage.  I could smite this person if I so chose to, but I was a merciful leader.  _Merciful_.

I could hear the groans of the person as they followed me, heaving the bags of groceries up the stairs.  I felt a small throb of regret, but ignored it.  No, this was their punishment for what they did.  Was it ever really an inconvenience to do an errand for one's Kazekage?  Or was I just too spoiled to know differently?  I breached the top and made the mistake of looking behind me.  They were carrying more bags than any sane person would carry at one time.  They could have made more than one trip if this is how much they had to carry.  How many things did I put on my list anyway?  Was it just the ingredients for Naruto's dinner, or was it the basic groceries included?  I frowned at the mass of bags and realized I must have absently included the basic groceries as well. 

I sighed as I realized this delivery person was a woman and knew I wouldn't want Naruto going up these steps carrying such a large amount of sacks.  I pushed out my sand and unhooked a few from the woman's arms.  The shift in weight made her lose her balance.  A quick look of shock passed her facial features and she teetered precariously backward.  I rushed my sand behind her and helped her steady herself.  She gave a sigh as she regained her balance and continued up the steps with the two bags I left within her grasp.

"Thank you" She entered the room and her eyes began to wander to take in the scenery.

"You shouldn't have carried it all at once." I wasn't about to admit I should have helped to begin with.  I flipped my hand towards the counter and set the bags I grabbed from her there.

"Shouldn't the baby bottles be in this room?" Her eyes narrowed slightly and a frown settled on the woman's lips.  "Is your son expecting a child?  I could help out if you like."

I groaned.  I was beginning to think Shinki might have had a point earlier.  Why did everyone simply assume it was my son having a child and not myself?  Was it so far-fetched of me?  I decided not to clarify as I didn't want the announcement to take place until at least the child's own naming ceremony, and perhaps not until my wedding with her mother.  "Help?" I tilted my head at the woman, curious to what oddity she was desiring of me.  After the audacity of being late.  Did she really think I would trust her with an infant family member?

She shifted, a blush rising to her cheeks.  She cleared her throat.  "Forgive me, Lord Kazekage." She gave a slight bow.  "I sometimes forget my place.  Forget I said anything."

I narrowed my eyes.  "You will tell me what you meant.  I dislike wasting my time." Lies.  I wanted to waste time.  Almost always.  I got bored easily and sometimes pointless conversations and musings from people I didn't know kept me from angering my family with my cleaning and design habits.  Today, however, was a little different.  I couldn't necessarily start any preparations for half a day from now, but I did have a lot on my mind.  No, actually the distraction would be welcome to disrupt those thoughts as well.  I flipped my hand and moved two chairs out from the table.  After thinking about it, I did in fact desire the distraction, and she would pay for delaying her exit by entertaining me now.  "Sit."

"I... Lord Kazekage?" She looked at the chair as though it might be a coffin.

Fear.  Still, my people feared me to spite their admiration.  It was why it was better for me to separate myself from them.  I crossed the room, sat down at the table and crossed both my arms and legs.  "You have intrigued me.  Now sit, and tell me why you think you can help."  I kept my face intentionally blank.  I wasn't sure what I wanted from this woman beyond killing some time while I waited for my son and brother to wake up.

A wrinkle formed between the woman's eyes and she sat down with an air of caution.  Her body faced towards the door, though she sat in the chair and looked my way.  A habit of people I didn't know, or for those who did know me, but still didn't trust I wouldn't flip at some unknown time and crush them for looking at me the wrong way.  I hadn't done this in years, so it was mostly unwarranted.  Mostly.  She swallowed visibly and her eyes moved towards the exit as she mentally prepared an escape route in case I went mad.  "I am a midwife, I get my clients through the shop.  I work there part time, two days a week to supplement my income." Her voice was strained, as though she were forcing herself to speak.

Midwife?  "What is your name?"

"Mika."

Mika.  I did not remember this name on the list of possible midwives I had been given by Kimiko.  "You either don't work with the hospitals, or have not been a midwife long enough to be trusted by my doctor."

She moved her knees under the table, all signs of fear left her features as she leaned in towards me.  "You can't trust those fancy doctors at the hospitals.  They are fine if you have an emergency, but it is no way to birth a baby.  Babies have unique needs and delivery presents a wide array of complications that can't always be handled by doctors or medical ninjas.  It needs a delicate touch, one that can only be done with training in the old ways."

My lip twitched upward at her gumption.  Mika was it?  "Old ways?"

Her eyes widened a little, then she sighed as she settled into her chair.  None of the previous signs of fear returned and she looked me directly in the eyes.  "I prefer to utilize the traditional methods.  The ones which worked within these walls for generations before the arrival of you ninja." She spat the word out as though it were distasteful.  "Forgive me on my views, Lord Kazekage, but I have assisted in over a hundred births in my time as a midwife.  I have yet to lose any clients."

Traditional, with a good track record.  Perhaps, if I needed to have any extra assistance, I would call on her.  "I will keep it in mind."  I shifted in my seat.  "What is your honorific?"

"I don't use an honorific specifically.  Mika of the Western Gate.  I have no interest in leaving Suna, I need no other name."

I hummed, filing the information away in the back of my mind and pulled out a deck of cards from my catch drawer.  I smirked as her eyes zeroed in on the cards being carried over to the table with sand.  "What are your thoughts on cards?"

"Cards, Lord Kazekage?"

I placed the deck in my hands and pulled them from their wooden box.  "I have two hours left before the next member of my family is likely to wake, and you are currently the only person in my presence."  I began to shuffle them.

"So... Cards then?"

I hummed and began to deal to the woman who sighed in defeat.  I might just like this person.  Maybe I would call on her if I needed to.

Two hours.  Two hours, then Kankuro would roll out of bed, another hour and Shinki should be up as well.  Then, I prepare for the dinner, the proposal.  I needed to go over the story.  Make sure it was perfect.  Make sure every detail was exactly the way it needed.  I would practice, and I knew exactly who would help me prepare.

I felt my lips twitch upward.  Today was going to be the perfect day.

Today, I would propose to my Naruto, and with luck, I would be engaged tonight.


	18. Delivery Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am going to apologize in advance for this chapter.  It is long, and I know you will be mad at me, but please do not kill the author.  *Attempts a candy sweet smile*  I do have today and tomorrow off, and will be working diligently on the next chapter so I do not leave you too long with how this ends.
> 
> As always, reviews/comments serve to inspire, I hope you enjoy this chapter.  <3

 

 

** Gaara **

I was starting to get irritated.  The woman, Mika, left me about two hours ago and still, I had not seen either of my annoying family members.  I felt the sand twitch beneath my feet and I tried to calm myself down.  I tapped the table, letting the sound of the hardened sand clack against the surface.  Didn't they remember what day this was?  How important this was to me?  I had spent the last hour writing down possibilities of what might happen today, and those two imbeciles being late for our morning meeting was not on the list.  Kankuro should have woken and been downstairs nearly two hours ago, and Shinki an hour ago.  I had it written down.  I looked back to my list for the itinerary for the day and scratched off the thing I had planned for this exact moment.  Make breakfast. 

Not anymore.  They ruined my mood too much for me to offer them something to eat for putting up with me today.  I should let them know I had planned it, then because of their behavior was taking it away.  It was unprofessional.  It was inconsiderate.  It was insubordination.  I groaned as more words to describe their behavior floated in my head and folded my arms.  Twenty minutes.  Twenty more minutes and I would drag their bodies down here by force.  I was starting to not care if they lived through it.  I had things to do.  Things to prepare, things to practice, a schedule to keep.  The day was here, _the_ day was here.  I shifted and eyed the stairs.  My heart wouldn't slow down.  The proposal was still hours away.  Why was I so nervous already?  I took a deep breath, then shifted again. 

Maybe I wouldn't give them twenty minutes.  Maybe I would give them five.  I needed to rehearse.  I needed to go over the menu.  I needed them to know what I expected, I needed to express they couldn't give away why I was making dinner, or why I was having Shinki put her in a dress, and wouldn't she just be beautiful in it?  I brought my fingers up to rub my forehead.  This was no time to be thinking of this.  I needed to prepare.  I needed to make sure tonight would be perfect and go as smoothly as possible.  Which was something I could not do without the two of them.  I needed to make sure Shinki understood the timing necessary for Naruto to be down and ready at the exact time I began to cook.  I wanted her to see how I made noodles, I wanted her to see my talents, talents I had never allowed her to see before tonight.  It would be a surprise to her, and hopefully a pleasant one.  I hoped she liked what I was planning on fixing for her.

What if she didn't like noodles beyond ramen? What if she despised my meal and demanded something different, would she look at me the same way or-

I was being ridiculous.  I was letting my mind wander, and it was easy to do, since my soon to be dead sibling and my forgivable son were both horrendously late for the morning meeting I had set up.  I tapped the table again.  I was sure I set it up.  I had mentioned it to them, hadn't I?  What if I hadn't, and I was sitting here depending on them reading my mind again?  On such an important day, what if I missed one of the most necessary and vital pieces of information?  Had I done such a thing on the battlefield, we may have lost the war, or worse.  A worse option, I did not even have the desire to ponder, considering I was facing the possibility of the worse option happening three weeks from now.  It was not something I wanted to think about.  Not today.  It was too important.  It was going to be a day entirely for her.  To make her smile.  To tell her a story from the heart of Suna.  To propose to her, and hopefully I would be an engaged man by the end of the day. 

I didn't care about the technicality of our marriage.  Neither of us had been present.  I may have consented, but it was out of... I wanted to be married to her.  It was selfish, to a degree considering her state of unconsciousness.  If I had chosen not to, the council may have been irritated but they wouldn't have said anything against it, not directly.

Finally, I heard steps coming down the stairs.  I narrowed my eyes at the door frame which led to the stairs where the late culprit, whomever he was, would be arriving.  I would accuse him of being late, and if confusion ensued, I would know I had forgotten the important task of telling them about the meeting to plan the day's events.  I heard as the sound transitioned from stair to solid floor.  Soon, I would chastise whomever approach.

"Sorry, Gaara, I got caught up in something." Kankuro spoke before he even entered the room.

So I had said it. "You are extremely late."

"Yeah, I know.  Important day, and all that rot." He turned around the corner.

Every thought about yelling at him or crushing him to death in my sand left my mind the moment he came into view.  I stared at him blatantly, confused as to why he did... whatever it was he had done.  "What are you wearing?  Are you attempting to mock me?"

He frowned at me, the slight gloss to his lips catching the light as he did.  "What, can't a guy change his makeup around for a day to see what it looks like?"

"You decided on ceremonial bridal makeup as an experiment?"

He gave a small shrug and flopped into a chair.  "So what's for breakfast?"

"Air.  You are more than an hour late."

He groaned.  He muttered an 'I'm gonna kill him' under his breath then folded his arms.

I tilted my head in question to his reaction, but before I could voice it, steps bounded down the stairs and my son appeared in the room.  "Hey, cooking this morning?" He fell into the chair next to me and gave me a blank stare.

"You are late."

He hummed.  "Not cooking then."  He looked over to the cupboards and a frown formed.  "I could do it I guess."

"Yes, you should." Kankuro narrowed his daintily outlined eyes at my son.  "You owe me."

"Fine, whatever."  He shoved off of his chair and started to grab things out of the cupboard and fridge.

"What does he owe you for?" I shifted my eyes to my brother, curious to what they were talking about.

He shifted in his chair and looked over to Shinki.  "Oh, uh, I cooked him breakfast the other day."

I raised one of my brows at him.  Kankuro, cook? "You cooked for Shinki?"

"Trust me, it isn't something you wanted to experience." Shinki shot me a pained look.

"Hey!" Kankuro leaned forward in his chair.

"Then why are you paying him back?"

Shinki chuckled as he began to chop onions.  "Because the other option for breakfast would be a repeat of his cooking."  He turned to me.  "How do you want your eggs?"

"Scrambled."

I glared at Kankuro.  "Poached with a side of toast."

Shinki turned back to his pan.  "Scrambled it is."

I sighed.  I should have known it was a trick question.  Shinki never showed much interest in cooking  and usually took the act of doing it as a punishment.  I turned my attention back to my brother, my ridiculous looking brother, while my more sane son cooked us breakfast.  Though, admittedly, at this point it was more like lunch.  "After we eat, I would like to rehearse the story with you.  I want to make sure I include every necessary point and make sure I enact it perfectly."

"Don't you think using sand puppets is a bit much?"

I didn't answer him.  No, nothing would be too much for Naruto.  I returned to watching Shinki prepare breakfast.  "You should remove your makeup."

"Nah, think it suits me.  Besides, if you are going to propose to me, shouldn't I be in full makeup anyway?"

I shifted my eyes back to him.  Then buried him in a ball of sand.

.*.               .*.               .*.

"This is just weird, even for you Gaara." Kankuro's voice was strained and he struggled against his confines.

I held him down with the sand I covered him.  "Hold still, otherwise it won't be right." I held up the picture of Naruto's dress and  did my best to recreate it on my test subject.

"Come on, I said I was sorry."  He groaned.  "Is this still about me sleeping with-" His voice squeaked into oblivion as I squeezed him.

"I said hold still."  I did not want to be reminded of his indiscretion.  "Anyone else and I would have considered it treason."

"You know he is probably out there doing the exact same thing with someone else, don't you?  I was just an easy body."

"Vulgar."  I shoved him against the wall, ignored his grunt from the impact and worked on the back of the dress.  I held up my hand as I administered the finer details.  A flick of my index finger and a fold appeared near the small of his back, A crook to my thumb and the sand would squeeze in some at his middle, making him groan, but giving him an almost womanly waist.  Sort of.  He was a bit too thick for a man in order for me to pull it off entirely without crushing something vital to his survival in the process.  Considering he was late for my very well mentioned morning meeting in order to mock me with his current choice of makeup, I was a little tempted.  I stood back from my work a little, held up the picture again and twitched my thumb some.

He groaned.  "Fuck Gaara, you're going to damn well kill me.  Isn't this close enough? I can't breathe."

I frowned at the picture, set it on the little table and moved Kankuro to Naruto's old bed.  I made sure he was in the position Naruto would be in and moved my sand beneath me to extend the bed since mine was much larger than the single bed Naruto had in here.  I would easily be able to sit cross legged on my own bed next to her, so I wanted to recreate how I would be there so everything could be scaled with precision.  Once I was sure the sand below me was to the level of the bed, I sank down into a cross legged position and faced him.  "You didn't wash off the makeup."

"Shinki covered up my mirror." He shrugged and looked away from me.

I stared at him.  "It is hard to take you seriously with this on you."

"Pretend I'm your wife, isn't that why you did this to me?" He narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms.  "I feel ridiculous, and the faster you sort out what you are doing, the faster I can get back to normal.  So go for it, get it over with."

"You could pretend to be more enthusiastic about this."

He gave an exasperated sigh.  "You are already married.  Even if she says no, there isn't a whole lot that can be done about it, now can there?"

I shifted my eyes away from him.  I felt a heaviness settle in my chest.  This was frivolous, wasn't it?  What if she did say no, what if I found out she didn't want to be married to me in spite of everything?  I heard her say she loved me, but what if it were just some random thing she said to people when she got happy?  A... A figure of speech?  My heart began to race and my breath escaped me.  What if this was all for nothing?  What if I was making a mistake?  What if all I accomplished with this was getting her upset?  Would it affect the baby?  Would it harm her?  Would she not want to see me for the next three weeks before our daughter was-

Hands grabbed at my shoulders and I was given a firm shake.  I shifted my eyes back to him, to notice the stern and thin set face he wore.  Which still looked ridiculous in women's makeup and lip tint.  "Shit Gaara, stop freaking out.  I'm sorry, already, so breathe.  Everything will be fine, stop thinking so loud, will ya?" His hands left my shoulder and a single finger pushed between my eyes, forcing away the tension which had been building there.

I brought my hand up to feel between my eyes, where his heated touch lingered.  Always uncomfortable, strange to me. I rubbed the sensation away and sighed.  "I need her to know I want this."

He took a deep breath when he settled back down to his spot on the bed.  "Damn tight."  Another breath.  "Go for it, I'm sure you will do a better job at this than anyone else in Suna, considering."

I tilted my head at him in question.

He rolled his eyes.  "Listen, if there is anyone else in Suna who fights for keeping the traditions alive more than you, let me know."

I frowned at him, deciding not to answer.  I knew plenty of people who fought for traditions.  The Mika woman being one of them, the midwife from earlier.  "Now listen."  I raised my arms, creating a false desert.  I started in on my story, recalling my notes on the details.  I created a tiny man, moving through, I focused on what he wore, I focused on the people, the look of the fire. I concentrated on the details on the buildings, on the costumes between the two differing cultures, how over time the two styles merged to become what Suna called the traditional garb.  I focused on the movement of the people, of the animals, on the way the grasses swayed in the imaginary wind I created within my mind.  I focused on every detail of the engagement flower, the necklace.  How it would be braided and long.  When it came time, I floated the box to Kankuro and I barely noticed the sound of the box sliding open.

"Shit Gaara."

I didn't look up, I finished the last of the story, the hard working commoner with the daughter of the high family.  After I was done, I let the sand move around me, then settle to the floor.  I took a deep breath and looked up to my brother.  Who was staring at me wide eyed, his mouth slightly ajar.  I frowned. "Did I do something wrong?"

He blinked a few times, then shook his head.  "Hell, if you were proposing to me with all that, _I_ would have said yes."

"Everything seemed the way it should be?  Did I miss anything in the story?"

"No, everything was perfect.  If Naruto doesn't say yes to this, it's because she's in shock."

"You think so?" I started to pull the sand from his body and he took in a deep breath.

"Yeah, I do.  Now can I get up?"  He pointed at the sand at his legs.

I sighed.  "Only if you promise to have your face back to normal by dinner.  I will not have my own brother trying to outdo my wife."

"And if I show up with it on?" He smirked at me.

I didn't change my expression to tell him the outcome.  "I will crush you before she can see it."

"You would regret it." He folded his arms, a smug smile on his face.

I studied him a moment.  I had a panic attack a few months back when I nearly killed him.  Of course I would regret it, the unfortunate part about it, was now Kankuro knew this fact.  "Perhaps." I stood, the sand molding around my feet as I moved my legs for a smooth transition from sitting to standing.  "But before I mourned your loss, I would rather enjoy the feeling as I crunched of all your bones into sand." Here, I smiled at him.  Not my usual, half smile, but a full, bloodthirsty, toothy smile.  "How warm I would be, wrapped in your life's essence, just for a moment."  I turned from him and left the room before he could respond past the shocked look on his face.  While I likely would never kill my brother, it was nice to leave him with a slight sense of doubt.

.*.               .*.               .*.

I carefully displayed every ingredient of my beef and noodles dish where it would be easily viewed from the table.  I measured each thing carefully, double checked each item, weighed the beef and set the colder portions of dinner back into the fridge once ready for preparation.  I turned to Shinki.  "You are sure you can have her ready within a half hour?"

"It shouldn't be too hard to put her in a dress, should it?" He was leaned back in one of the table chairs, legs splayed and arms crossed.

"Shinki..." I frowned at him.  Everything hinged on her arrival.  Thirty minutes, and the proposal would begin.  First, I would sit her down, then make a show of dinner.  With luck, she will be entertained sufficiently while I cook, then I could watch her as she ate.  When she was finished, I would bring her back up to her room.  _Our_ room.  Then, after placing her upon the bed and giving her the box with the instructions to not open it until the end of the story, I would begin.  With practiced perfection I would execute the story which explained the origins of the Suna engagement rose necklace, let her open the box, then I would tell her how much I love her.  Then, I would lean in, tilt my head as Shinki instructed, and press my lips to hers and hope for a positive answer.

"Hey, don't worry about it.  I'm sure I can handle this." With this he shoved away from the chair and bounded up the stairs.  "Thirty minutes and I will be back."

I sighed and paced the floor.  Thirty minutes.  Thirty minutes and the most important moment of my life would begin.  I paused and let out a shaky breath.  I can do this.  Naruto is my wife, Naruto is my savior, Naruto is _mine_.  Naruto was having my child, my daughter, possibly at the cost of her own life.  She would accept, wouldn't she?

"You're thinking too loud again.  You should sit down and relax.  Shinki hates to disappoint you, he'll be here on time.  Don't worry."  Kankuro walked past me and sat on the same chair Shinki had occupied only minutes before.  He jerked his head to the side.  "I'm being serious.  Sit."

I stared at him a moment, then shifted my eyes to the empty chair.  I wasn't in the mood to sit down.  I needed to pace, I needed to check the ingredients again, I needed to go over the story again, I needed to-  Something pulled on my arms and torso and I found myself in the chair.  I jerked my head in Kankuro's direction, his fingers still posed in front of him, incriminating himself.

"You weren't going to sit down." He lowered his hand and pulled out a handful of tiny puppets.  "Thought you would worry yourself into the ground so I brought these.  Make a board." He tapped the table.

I tensed a moment.  I should be doing something else.  Anything else.  I was behind on my work as Kazekage.  I was in need of making everything perfect so tonight would go smoothly.  I needed to- I sighed.  Fine.  I will play along.  I crossed my arms and the table filled with sand.  It swirled around the table a moment, agitating as I concentrated on what I wanted it to do.  I flattened it, formed squares and placed them one by one on the table until it looked like a giant checkerboard.  Except instead of being flat against the table, the squares were raised with the blank spots recesses of pure doom.  I shifted my eyes back to Kankuro who started to smile like a maniac. 

"I'm going to take you down this time Gaara.  It's been too long since we've played this."

I hummed, rested my elbows on the table and began to form tiny soldiers from the sand and had them climb up the squares and position themselves onto the blocks, each one- depending on their position, holding onto a sword, bow and arrow, or a bag of kunai.  Kankuro followed suit, his hands raised up to his shoulders, his fingers poised and suddenly his own army of puppets began to hop into position one by one.  "Duel for first turn?"

"Works for me." With a twitch of his finger, one of the small puppets in front hopped through the squares, careful not to fall into the abyss between squares.  This puppet carried a tiny bag of kunai, and I decided to pit one of my own soldiers with the kunai against it.  It hopped with ease through the maze of squares and landed in front of the other, an empty abyss of a square between them.

I flicked a finger and a tiny sand bridge formed between the two.  The battlefield.  Here, on this bridge, we would determine the first player.  My soldier grabbed out a tiny kunai and readied it in it's tiny hand.  It crouched down, and moved swiftly towards the center of the bridge.  The enemy soldier was much less tactful. It grabbed a kunai from it's pouch, twirled it around in it's hand in an elaborate display of skill and bounded quickly towards my soldier.  I paused mine, readying it for impact.  Kankuro's soldier threw it's first kunai and mine quickly darted out of the way by jumping over the flying object.  The kunai landed behind him, stuck within the bridge, and he launched his own attack.  He kept low to the ground and struck out once in range of the enemy.  It dodged, pulled out a new kunai and the blades met.

The battle for domination stretched on, neither soldier getting tired, neither soldier making headway until- Footsteps.  I shifted my eyes to the doorframe and I heard a chuckle come from my brother.  I shifted my eyes back to the board as quick as I could, but it was too late.  The little soldier lost it's balance, a tiny kunai sticking out from it's abdomen.  It tumbled sideways and was lost into the abyss, the thud of it hitting the bottom made me wince a little.  "Sorry." I told it, ignoring the amused smile on my brother's lips.

"Uncle Kankuro, can I talk to you for a minute?  I need help with something." Shinki spoke from the doorway, his face carefully masked into a neutral expression.

"Need me to go up with you for something?"

"No, you will stay down here with me.  I have a score to settle from the murder of my soldier."

I swear he whispered, 'You would think those were living soldiers' but I wasn't sure if I was hearing things.  Because they obviously weren't.  They were sand, and the defeat was personal, therefore the statement was an oddity and not even my brother was this naive when it came to the act of war.  In fact, he was more experienced than most and could easily take my position had he truly desired it.

"Fine, he was the one who said he needed me for something anyway.  Hold the game." He dropped the soldiers in place, all of them going limp, a picture of a deceased wooden army, ruined to battle.

Shinki let a frown escape just before Kankuro reached him, then they both turned away from the door.  "You need what?"Kankuro's voice rose from beyond the door and I heard Shinki shush him. 

I frowned.  What were they hiding from me?  I abandoned the game, let it fall and gathered the sand.  I crept towards the door, careful to be quiet so they couldn't hear me.  I stood, back against the wall, the small indent between the counter and the door frame my own personal hideout.  I leaned, slightly towards the opening and listened in.

"I don't know if your Aunt and Naruto wear the same size in underwear.  How would I know?  I've never exactly measured..." Mumble mumble, "Yeah, I guess you could try," mumble, mumble. 

"In her old dresser then?"

"I don't know." Kankuro emphasized the word.  "Just check."

A groan, then more steps.  More footsteps, closer this time.  A face appeared inches away from mine.  "You know, you could have just asked instead of acting like a creep."

I stiffened and eased my posture against the wall as though I were doing nothing out of the ordinary.  "I heard you being hushed."

He sighed.  "So you eavesdrop?"

"I am a Kage." I looked away from him, pushed away from the wall and sat back in my spot at the table.  It was a nonsensical explanation, but I had nothing better beyond 'I was eavesdropping to make sure everything was fine.' Which sounded worse than the nonsensical explanation.  Because it showed weakness.  Emotion was weakness.  I was not an emotional person and I refused to admit how much my heart sank at the simple thought something had gone wrong with getting Naruto ready for her proposal.  I watched him silently as he returned to the table and stared at his dead army.

"You didn't have to stop the game."

"Consider it a deciding match for the start of the next.  You won the start, so when we play the full game we won't have to play a deciding match.  I am not in the mood for games.  Shinki should be bringing her down shortly, it has been nearly a half hour."

"I'm not sure he's going to make it." His voice was tight and he scooped up his tiny soldiers and pocketed them.

I stared.  What?  What did he just say?  I felt my shoulders tighten.  "Why?"

He cleared his throat.  "So, you want to, ya know, um..." He trailed off, his voice squeaking half way through and higher pitched throughout.

"You are hiding something."

"Shinki wanted to know if Temari and Naruto would wear the same size, well, you know.  Things."

I blinked at him.  Things?  "What sort of things?"

He swallowed, his eyes moved to the door.  His body gave a small shift under the table, angling him towards the door.  Fear.  I knew this reaction.  He _was_ hiding something from me.

"Kankuro, you will tell me what you know."

He took a deep breath.  "Shinki needed undergarments for Naruto."

Undergarments?  "What sort of undergarments would make you afraid of me?"

He stared at me.  "Panties." Blunt, to the point.

"Panties?" I repeated the word as a question.  What was so indecent about panties?

He hummed, a small blush forming on his cheeks.  "Yeah, panties.  The tiny bit of fabric that separates their bits from the outside air."

I stared at him.  "I understand what they are, Kankuro.  What I don't understand is why you are acting as a schoolboy about it."

"No reason." He shifted in his chair and fell silent.  I studied him for a while before I heard footsteps once more.

Shink appeared in the doorway again.  "Hey, uh, you should make dinner without us.  We will be down before it's done, I promise, but there was a tiny issue."

My eyes widened at his words.  "Issue?"

His eyes moved away from me.  "Yes, an issue.  One I'm sure Uncle Naruto would prefer to keep to himself."

"Naruto isn't your uncle."

A frown formed on his lips at my words.  Then, he sighed.  "Fine, I will try to stop thinking of Naruto as my Uncle, but you have to start dinner without us.  A trade." He tilted his head to the side at the offer.

"I desire to display my cooking abilities." I frowned.  This wasn't part of the plan.  This isn't what I wanted.  This was wrong.  Everything was going to fail, I was going to fail, she would say no and everything I was trying to do would be-

"Calm down, everything will be fine.  Trust me.  Won't you just try to trust me?"

Trust.  Trust my son.  I could do this, trust him.  I took a deep breath and gave a curt nod.  "Fine.  I will start dinner, but do not be late."  I narrowed my eyes.  "Forty minutes, Shinki.  You have forty minutes until dinner should be done."

He let out a breath.  "Forty minutes."  He repeated the time frame and left the room quickly.

"He better be back in forty minutes."

"He will be."

I gave him a sideways glance.

"He will.  Trust him, he's your son."

I frowned and returned my stare to the door.  Another forty minutes then, and I will start my proposal with the serving of dinner.  It was a change I was unprepared for, a change I had not included in my carefully planned list of possibilities.

I didn't like it.

I didn't have much choice.

.*.               .*.               .*.

Instead of my grand show of culinary expertise for Naruto, I ended up showing off for Kankuro instead.  While it was hardly my first choice, it was not a terrible second.  I knew I had a good audience with him, and he had yet to complain about any of my techniques or dishes I ever made him.  The egg noodles took me the longest in prep.  I set aside the vegetables and chopped them while mixing the dough, rolling it out, rolling it up and cutting it in small slices to make it perfect.  I cut them thin, as thin as I could to simulate the thickness of Naruto's precious ramen noodles.  I wanted this to be perfect.  I cooked the beef before adding it to my special broth I had made earlier, heated up on the stove then added the ingredients one by one until they reached near perfection.  It had simmered for about twenty minutes while I finished the noodles, then I added them in.  Nerves set in as they began to cook.  It only took about five minutes for them to be done, usually sooner, but I liked my noodles softer than most.  Where were they?  Shinki was nearly five minutes late.

Five.  Minutes.  Late.  I tapped my leg.  I trusted him.  Was it so hard to get her ready?  I extended his time by forty minutes, what in the world could he be up to?  It wasn't like him to be late.  It wasn't good to be late.  I instilled this in him as a child, and he usually was good about keeping time.

 _Footsteps_.  I let out a breath before I could stop myself and made a point not to look to Kankuro, hoping he hadn't noticed and not wanting to know if he had.  I forced myself to stare into my stew.  More footsteps.  Concentrate.  This is it.  Naruto is here.  I felt my heart thud painfully in my chest and the contents of the breakfast Shinki made threatened to remove itself from my stomach.  Deep breaths.  Everything would be fine. 

"Hey kid, thought you were bringing Naruto with ya."

Kankuro's words felt like lead.  Everything wouldn't be fine.  Today is a disaster.  Nothing was going right.  Nothing.  Deep breaths.  "Would you prefer I bring her down?" I did my best to keep my voice even, calm.  A contrast to what I felt.  I willed the calm into my stomach, willed my heart to act normal.

The scraping of a chair forced my eyes away from dinner.  He settled back into the chair, arms crossed.  "Stairs." He tilted his head in the direction of the stairs and I followed his direction.  Soon, dark sand became visible in the doorway.  Then more.  Then... Pretty.  What.  Pretty.  I blinked a few times to make sure I was not mistaken on who came down the stairs then I carefully schooled my face to hide my emotions.  What was she wearing?  My stomach twisted painfully as our eyes met.  My throat went dry as I stared at her, my eyes wide.  Naruto, my wife, in full engagement makeup.  Everything from the purple Suna face paint around her eyes, to the rouge on her lips, to the crystals pinning what little hair she had to her head.  Then, the traditional brown dress, barely visible from within Shinki's sand.  She didn't look like Naruto, she looked... Beautiful.  More than beautiful.  More than Naruto.  Just, _more_. 

I quickly averted my eyes.  I was going to propose to this woman.  Soon.  The proposal process was starting now, at this moment, and her arrival, wearing that of all things, only made the point settle deeper in my stomach.  Calm down.  Breathe.  Don't act strangely, she will catch on.  I couldn't help it.  I looked at her again.  The makeup made her practically glow, the face paint and the sparkle within her hair made her seem like a goddess of some lost civilization.  Why was this tradition becoming obsolete?  This moment, it would be ingrained in my mind for eternity.  "Naruto." Her name escaped my lips in a breath.  I took in the sight of her.  My wife.  My beautiful Naruto, the wife of the Kazekage in all her glory.  Without meaning it she held an air of great elegance, beauty and charm.  My people were going to love her, as much as I did if not more.

The beeping of the timer I set for the noodles went off and I cleared my throat and tore myself away from the beauty which was my wife, and hopefully fiancee after tonight.  It was more of a chore than I would ever admit to.  I started to stir my stew once again.

"Hey." Her voice wafted over the sounds of bubbling stew.

A clearing of a throat.  "I see Shinki got creative." A strange laugh came from Kankuro, one which usually meant he was hiding something.  "Traditional? A bit much, don't you think?"

I was going to ask him if he knew Shinki was up to this.  I paused in my stirring.  Kankuro wearing the engagement makeup made sense now.  Of course he knew.  How could I have been so blind?

"I thought you guys had people to cook for you." Naruto sounded shocked and I frowned into the stew, reminded to the lack of being able to show off my full ability.

"Yeah, usually.  Never, ever say no to a dinner from Gaara though.  Just a warning." Kankuro sounded serious, and for him it would be.  Naruto, I would probably make an exception.

"It would be the last one he would fix you." I threatened Shinki once with this.  Why were they telling her this?  This was supposed to be an amazing experience, one which would both shock and awe her.  Leave her speechless for the story, something I knew would be a difficult task to accomplish.  Were they intentionally attempting to sabotage my engagement?  I was starting to honestly think so.

"He cook often?"

I tensed at her question.  I looked over my shoulder.  My breath escaped me when she came back into my view.  Was this really my Naruto?  I went to answer, but my voice was gone.  However, I wanted this conversation to end.  "No." I barely scraped the word out and quickly turned back to my stew, adding the last of the oils to the mix.  I was dangerously close to outright staring at her.  Out of her hospital gown, with her face dressed up like this, Naruto truly was a beauty.

"Don't get me wrong, blondie, but you're kinda hot like that."  I nearly broke the spoon.  The lump in my throat fell back down to my stomach, all my nerves gone with the single, vulgar sentence.

"Don't even think it, puppet boy." Her voice was low.  Annoyed.  That's it.  I flinched and I felt my sand move, almost entirely on it's own, forming a blockade between the two of them at the table.

"Aw, come on, can't I even admire-"

" _No_." I spoke the word from between my teeth.  Images of him over her clone floated through my mind.  Never.  I would never let him _touch_ her.

I felt myself tense as I heard a soft laugh.  "Knew he'd like it."

I quickly dished the stew into the bowls I had ready next to the stove.  The conversation was over.  Whether or not the stew was perfect, I was not going to wait and allow them to influence my perfect night any longer.  Everything was going wrong.  I flicked my hand, moving the bowls to the table.  All three of them.  There was no way I was going to eat with my heart in my throat and my stomach churning so violently it threatened to empty itself even without eating anything.  To eat would mean getting sick, and I was not going to chance it.  Not today.  Not with this.  Not with Naruto.  Not when I had a story to tell, and a necklace to deliver and a very important question to ask, and a kiss.  A kiss.  Tonight, after the proposal, I would kiss her.  Tonight.

The thought didn't help my nerves in the least.  I followed behind the bowls and sunk down into the empty chair next to Naruto.  Now I was facing her again, I couldn't take my eyes off of her.  Mine.  This woman, this person who was my wife, this creature which was more beautiful than anything I had ever laid eyes on, was _mine_.  A blush rose to her cheeks and her eyes shifted down to the bowl in front of her.  A small smile formed as she looked into the bowl and after a small, calming breath I decided to explain what was inside.  "Egg noodles.  I have not yet learned to make ramen, nor do I have the desire to learn.  I am hoping these will suffice to ease your usual desire of noodles."

"Um, yeah, it's fine Gaara, thanks."  She didn't sound pleased, just confused.  Complacent.  I did something wrong.  What did I do wrong?  Did she not like it?  Did she have this dish before, hated it and just didn't have the heart to tell me?  I bit my tongue, the small sand wall between her and my brother falling without permission as I concentrated on her face as she tasted my cooking for the first time.  What if she hated it?  What if she didn't tell me she hated it and she honestly despised my cooking?  I bit harder to control my nerves, keeping a small wince away from my face when I tasted the metallic flavor of my own blood from biting just a little too hard.  She picked up her chopsticks and picked up a noodle.  Instead of eating it, she held it up and turned it about, inspecting it as though it were a specimen rather than a noodle.  She looked up, flinched then frowned.  "Hey, why you all staring at me like that?  It's damn creepy."

My stomach nearly emptied as the noodle lowered back into the bowl.  She wasn't going to eat it.  She hated it.  The night was ruined.  What was I going to do?  I stared, willing her to pick it up with my eyes.  Give it another try.  Please, just one bite, maybe you will like it, Naruto.  Please, just try it...  "Just eat the damn noodle."  My idiot brother decided to intervene.

My initial reaction was to just reach up and strange him to death, but I refrained.  "Kankuro, another word and I won't cook for the next year." I darted my eyes over to him to seal my threat, narrowing at him.  Images of me crushing his bones into mush played through my mind.  I was proud of myself.  I didn't actually murder him.  On the other hand, I regretted not locking him in his room for this.

The color drained from his face and he gave a shrill laugh.  "Hey, I'm kidding, you take your time, kid." When his eyes met mine I motioned for him to be silent and I felt the back of my throat vibrate at my own irritation.

"This meal was made specifically for you." I froze as Shinki spilled the secret of the meal to her.  What was he doing?  Were they purposely trying to ruin this?  I clenched my jaw and returned to watching my wife as I realized this wasn't the first time the thought crossed my mind tonight.  Tomorrow, I will kill them.  Tonight, I will try and keep calm and propose to my damn wife.

She gave a half smile.  "You people know how to make a guy nervous, you know that?"

My mask fell for a moment with the words.  _Guy_.  My stomach lurched at the reminder of who my Naruto really was.  Man.  Hokage.  Husband.  Father.  _Out of reach_.  Was I doing the right thing by proposing to Naruto?  Was I making a mistake? 

A quick movement brought me out of my self destructive thoughts and I realized she had grabbed hold of a noodle from the bowl and shoved it into her mouth.  She hummed softly, her eyes widened and she gave me a shocked look.  I watched as she swallowed it with another soft hum.  "My god Gaara, this is damn amazing."

My breath caught in my throat.  Did she just say... Amazing?  I bit at my sore tongue to keep the smile from creeping on my face, but the tension in my shoulders eased immediately. 

"Aren't you going to eat?" I heard my son, his voice soft.  A tone I come to understand as worry.

"Perhaps later." I didn't want to admit I was so nervous about what I was about to do I was afraid everything I would eat would simply return the way it came.  Naruto faltered, a frown slowly forming on her lips.  Had I done this?  I changed the subject to a happier one.  "Temari comes in a week.  It will be nice to have her here again."

She nodded, but her frown deepened.  It didn't work.  I didn't fix the frown, it should have _worked_.  I felt myself begin to panic.  How do I fix it?  Could I fix it?  Everything was going wrong.  She was going to decline.  Why would she marry someone who can't even fix a frown?  A frown gained during the engagement ceremony no less, even if the person on the receiving end had no idea what was going on.  Everything was backwards for us.  Completely wrong, completely askew, completely-

She began to down the rest of her bowl.  I watched her as she did.  She was quickly done with it and pushed it away from her.  "Would you like a second?"

She shook her head no.  My stomach dropped.  She lied.  She _hated_ it.  She never simply ate a single bowl of anything.  Ever.  Other than just before we, when we, and then we...  While I thought she was terminally ill with some strange disease.  Not the 'I made a wish to deflower you' kind of disease either.  Lies.  It disturbed me how she so easily told them.  I filed the dislike for the dish in the back of my mind, determined to not disappoint her again.  I bit at my tongue again, relieved for the distraction of the sharp pain my injured muscle gave as my teeth came back into contact with the place I had punctured it just a few minutes prior.  I turned my attention back to my family.  I watched them eat, willed them to eat faster.  They seemed to catch what I wanted and soon, I found myself asking to be excused.

I could feel myself tremble as I spoke the question.  Naruto thankfully seemed to have spaced out sometime during the meal.  My nerves were starting to get more noticeable the closer it came to the time to leave dinner.  Because leaving dinner meant going upstairs.  Going upstairs meant telling a story.  Telling a story meant proposing, and proposing meant kissing her.  I wasn't ready, but it didn't matter.  It was too late.  I had the necklace.  Naruto would be having my daughter, my daughter, in just three tiny weeks.  Not enough time to prepare for this, not enough time to figure out how to approach the birth, not enough time to-

"Relax, you will be fine." Shinki gave a light punch to my arm, effectively dragging me back out of my current panic.

I gave him a silent nod, not trusting my own voice.  He gave me a reassuring smile and I gathered up my wife into a floating chair, and began to head back up to our room. Our room.  The one I shared with Naruto.  The one I will always share with Naruto.  My wife.  For the rest of my life, and hers.  My legs were lead as I climbed the stairs.  In mere minutes, the story would begin.  In mere moments, I would tell her how much I love her, in mere moments my lips would descent onto hers and I would claim them as my own.  In mere moments.  I was not ready.

I counted every step.  Every breath.  Every beat of my pounding heart.  Move.  Breathe.  I can do this.  _I'm not ready._ I have to be.  I was in my room.  I moved her to our bed.  Ours.  I cushioned her back so she could be comfortable.  Then I noticed.  My nerves were replaced by shock at my room.  The bassinet was next to the bed, which I quickly moved so I could be next to her.  I flicked my eyes around the room and noticed changing tables, diapers, random toys and baby furniture scattered on the outer edges of my room effectively turning the thing into a nursery.  All of my personal belongings were stacked in the center, a tiny faux room made from the items.

"Why didn't you tell me you could cook?"

I pushed my room to the back of my mind and focused on the beauty in front of me.  "Because you would ask me to cook for you every time I seen you." It was honest. "I see Shinki rearranged my room while I was away.  I shouldn't have let him in without supervision."  Maybe not so far to the back of my mind.

"I was here."

If I were akin to laugh, I would have.  Even if she had the ability, she would likely have helped with the carnage, considering what I did to her home back when- Proposal, proposal, _proposal_.  I must not allow my thoughts to become errant, astray, move away from what I needed.  My eyes wandered over the room again.  Shinki must have sounded like a train coming through this room while he did this.  "I apologize for my son.  he did not tell me he was going to do this."

She pointed at her face.  "You mean the makeup?  It's alright.  He said you would like it." She paused a moment.  "Do you?"

I would never apologize for the makeup.  I cleared my throat.  I must thank Shinki for this later.  Like it?  My eyes locked onto her face.  Heat welled in my chest at the sight of her.  Beautiful, exotic.  The last word was because of the heat elsewhere this look seemed to elicit.  But I had no time for such thoughts, or acknowledgements towards this particular misbehaving piece of my body.  I refused to take notice, or at least enough notice to make it something which would distract me from my task.  Of course, thinking about not thinking about it, only made the heat surge in my abdomen and I averted my eyes a moment.  " _Yes_." I barely hissed the singular word to acknowledge the fact I did, in fact, like her makeup.  She would never fully understand how much.  If she said yes...  I took my position on the bed.  Cross legged, facing her as I had done with Kankuro earlier in the day.  When I returned my eyes to Naruto she was giving me an odd look.  Her brows, slightly furrows, accentuated by the makeup.  I should elaborate.  "I have an affinity for tradition, and this, what you are wearing, is highly traditional for Suna.  For this."

"This?"

I almost gave it away, with two simple words.  No, it was alright, in this moment, it was alright.  I took a deep breath.  From here, there was no turning back.  From here...  I looked into her eyes.  I searched within the blue, the dark depth of the black in the center of her eyes.  "Yes, _this_." This, a word which would let her know there was something coming, though she wouldn't know what, not yet.  Not until the end of the story.  Not until she seen the necklace.  I broke our eye contact.  Could I do this?  I wasn't ready, I needed to do this, what if she said no, what if I lost her, would all this be pointless?

"You're nervous about something.  What's going on Gaara?  I might not be the brightest g-" She cleared her throat.  "Girl around, but I'm not entirely stupid as to not figure out somethings up."

"Naruto, I have a story to tell you." _No turning back_.  The box was sitting on my desk in the center of the room, and with a crook of my finger it came to me.  I looked down at it.  This was it.  This is where everything began.  This is the moment I would either be grateful for, or regretful of for the rest of my life.  Say yes, Naruto.  Please, say _yes_.  I handed the box to her, my arm felt heavy as I did.  Not ready.  No other choice but to go forward.  I was committed to this.  This wasn't how it was done.  This wasn't how traditional marriages were ever done.  Chaperoned visits.  Private liaisons with chaperones in toll.  Then, public outings, then the proposal ceremony.  This was different, because Naruto was already my wife.  Pregnant.  She didn't know the story.  There would be no handing off, no chaperoned living conditions, no...  The box felt like a brick in my hand.  "Here, do not open this until the story is done.  It is important you understand the meaning before you see it."

"You _are_ nervous." She frowned and the box lifted from my hand, the heaviness transferred over to her.  She was holding it.  The box, it was over.  It was beginning.  I had a story to tell.

Wait, what did she say?  Was I so obvious?  Nervous?  More than she knew.  I pulled sand into my lap as I answered her unspoken question.  "Yes, but it is unimportant.  I must tell you this story."  My nerves were unimportant.  I wanted this.  I wanted this more than anything I wanted in my life before, more than anything which would ever come.  Naruto, this person was everything to me.  She had been everything to me since we were children, and I had the chance to make her mine.  Claim her in every form, and it would start here, with this, and it must be done.

She looked at the sand, the frown not leaving her face.  "Okay..." She trailed off, an odd look crossing her face.

Explain, make her at ease.  My heart was racing.  Focus.  I was confusing her.  "When Shinki was small, I started to use sand puppets to tell stories."  Why did I choose this to be the way to explain?  I chastised myself in my mind but continued.  "It was the only thing which entertained him.  More than the toys, more tan any words I could use, no matter how much I gave, this simple little thing made him smile." I grabbed at the sand, letting the feel of it running through my fingers calm me.  I should confess to her.  "He suggested I use it to tell it.  I've... Ive never shown you." I always thought she would find it childish.  Immature.  Something I disliked her to think of me.  I somehow had garnered her admiration, and I grasped onto it with every ounce of my being.

Her expression changed, the frown fading away into a smile.  "I'm watching."

I nodded.  This was it.  Concentrate.  Focus.  Be on point.  I took a breath and the sand began to form the landscape I practiced earlier.  Remember every detail, remember every word.  After the first scene I eased into it.  The sand, it was always a comfort to me, and being able to show my skills to her in this way, it felt freeing.  I continued on in the story, not fully paying attention to my own words, focusing on the scenes, the details.

"Suna?" Her question nearly brought me out of my concentration.

I hummed and continued the story, moving on to the part of the high family.  How they were uncomfortable with their new life.

"Why, they had what they needed to live by having the nomads there."

This did make me pause.  I looked up to her, keeping the scene still.  Concentrate.  Do not lose this.  "Yes, but listen."  I hoped these interruptions would not become a habit for her.  I continued on, returning my eyes to my work.  The people moved in the scene, I described why.  I got to the part where the nomads forbid the boy from seeing the daughter of the high family.

"I'm not sure I'm liking your story."

I gave her a quick, poignant glare.  Just _listen_.  I tried to convey the message with my eyes, then continued on.  It was getting closer.  It was almost time.  Concentrate.  It will be fine.  Just continue.  She would say yes.  She had to say yes.  I focused all my will on the riches the boy created with hard work and determination.  Until he returned.  Here.  My stomach twisted with every word.  "He came prepared with crops, with goats, with water and a small box." I paused here and met her eyes.  Make the connection.  This box, doesn't it look just a little familiar to you?  Do you understand what this is?  Do you have any idea how much I love you?  I returned to the story.  I wanted it done.  I wanted to make the point.  I wanted to her to see what I wanted.  I wanted her to-  "For many years, real petrified sand roses were used for the necklaces, but when they became scarce, jeweled ones replaced the real." I pushed the sand out of my way.  Over.  It was now.  This was the moment.  It was here I would ask her.  I shifted my legs so I could be closer to her.  Touch her.  I never wanted to touch her as much as in this moment.  "It is a simple box, designed like they were back then.  The lid slides off from within the wooden groove."

She swallowed and her eyes went down towards the box.  I noticed a slight tremble in her hand as the cover slid off.  Was she nervous?  Did she understand?  I heard a soft gasp come from her.

"Gaara?" Her eyes came up to meet mine, questions unspoken yet obvious on her face.

Touch her.  I needed to _touch_ her.  I pulled the sand away from my hand as I moved to grab hers.  Now.  "Naruto, will you do me the honor of choosing to be my wife?"  I said it.  It was done.  This was it.  My heart leapt to my throat as I waited for her to respond.

Her eyes glistened with unshed tears.  Her mouth moved, then closed, then she nodded.

Nodded.  Yes?  She... She said yes!  She agreed, she would marry me, we would- I couldn't stop the smile from forming on my lips.  Yes.  A nod meant yes.  The weight in my throat fell down to my stomach and erupted into a funny sort of twisting feeling.  Without thought I grabbed for her.  Touch.  I pulled the sand from my face.  Lips, hot, they would be mine.  She is my wife.  We would marry.  She was mine, for life, from here, she was truly _mine_.  I held her tightly to me.  Felt the heat of her.  I breathed her in, felt her life within my arms.  Mine.  Forever mine. I shifted and looked closely at her face.  Memorized every contour with them.  This sight, this moment, I wanted to remember it for eternity.  I traced her chin with my fingers, then I placed them underneath.  I needed more, more touch, more of her scent, more Naruto.  I lifted her chin and lowered my face towards hers.  I was so close our breath mingled, but I needed to speak.  Speak before I touched.  "Naruto, I love you more than life itself." My words were a truthful whisper and I felt what little resolve I had left melt away as she gasped the words into her mouth.

I descended upon her, tilted my head and placed my lips upon hers.  Hot.  Not like sand at all.  Not remotely like sand.  Sensation exploded out from where we connected, a thin pleasurable, all consuming sort of feeling.  The world melted, our breath became one.  I tightened my grip on her arms and I gasped at the feeling my lips gave me.  Naruto.  This... This...  There was a rumble on my mouth.  The feeling sent a chill down my spine.  I moved to deepen the kiss, but hands pushed at my chest, my lips fell from hers.

She gave a small cry, a high pitched moan.  She gasped for breath. "Wrong, it's... Something..."  Her hands slid from my chest and she gripped tightly onto my arms.  She doubled over in a whimper.  Then, she gasped, her eyes widened.  "Too soon, oh god, it's too soon."

Her grip on my arms tightened to the point it cracked my armor.  I felt numb.  Something went wrong.  Something _was_ wrong.  Something was extremely wrong.  I tried to clear my mind, ignore the lingering heat on my lips.  "Naruto?"  Her only answer was a pained whimper.  What happened?  Had I hurt her?  Wait, what did she say?  Too soon?  "What do you mean, too soon?"

Another groan, then a quick, deep breath.  She gave a light pant to catch her breath.  "Nng, baby, doctor.  I need the damn doctor."

I held her in my arms as I tried to process what was happening, my mind still a little foggy from our kiss.  "Doctor..." I trailed off, and after she made another sound which seemed to be a cross between a moan and a yell, I was able to connect the pieces.

Baby. Doctor. Naruto in pain.  Too early.  My heart leapt to my throat. 

"Yes.  The fucking doctor."

I stared at her.  What did I need to do? Who was closest? How would I pry my arms away from her in order to hunt down said doctor.  Too soon.  I wasn't ready to propose, I sure as hell wasn't ready for _this_.

Who in the hell was available at this time of day? The baby wasn't due for three weeks!  It would be a whole other week before the first wave of help was supposed to arrive, she can't be in labor, what did-

"The.  Fucking.  Doctor." She said the words through her teeth and the glare she gave was piercing.

"Vulgar." Possibly the stupidest thing I could say, yet it escaped my mouth before I could stop it.

"Gaara!" My name was followed by another whimpering yell. "Please, please get- ngh" Her entire body trembled, her grip tightened further on my arms which elicited my own gasp as my sand cracked further, pressing it deeper into my skin.

Something.  I needed to do something, what this something was I wasn't entirely sure, but I needed to do it _now_.  I scanned the room, wishing I had installed the emergency buzzer for Naruto already.  My heart began to race and my breath left my lungs.  I could feel myself begin to shake.  "I..." What do I do? "I..." I don't know, what will I do, what if she needs me, what if she dies while I go to find a doctor, what if- I fought to breathe.

 _Panic_.

Naruto shook me slightly by the shoulders.  I hadn't even noticed she moved her hands from my arms.  "Shit.  Breathe, Damn it Gaara, breathe." Her own breathing was labored but I did as she told me.

A deep breath in through my nose, out through my mouth.  Doctor.  I needed a damn doctor.  Vulgar, necessary.  I would have to leave her to do so.  I bit my cheek.  I didn't want to.  I needed to stay.  She needed a doctor more. But now, not when, after I, when she- I fought to control the surfacing emotions.  I needed to leave.  But first... I grabbed the back of her neck, I splayed my fingers into her hair there, I cupped her cheek and looked into her eyes.  "Naruto." I crushed my lips onto hers.  Soft.  Hot.  Just as addicting as before, but I filled this kiss with a promise.  A desperation.  I wanted her to know what I felt and I hoped my emotions would somehow transmit to her through my lips.  I pulled away from her.  "Don't you _dare_ die on me while I get the doctor." I pried myself from her, tried to ignore the pained whimper which followed when I neared the door.  I managed to still the shaking in my hands enough to grab hold of the door enough to pull it open.  Walk.  Now I just needed to...

One step.  Two, three and I was out the door.  I heard a pained yell and I forced my body forward.  Ignore it.  I could do nothing beyond get the people who could help.  Get the people who could help, fast.  I formed the sand beneath my feet and bounded down the stairs.  Kankuro's room was first, but it was empty.  I groaned, frustrated.  I moved to Shinki's room, I busted down his door.  He was there, looking shocked.  "Baby.  Naruto.  Doctor." I couldn't form a sentence, these were the only indication of what I needed, but he seemed to understand.

His eyes widened.  "What?  How?  I mean-"

I pointed downwards.  "Call the doctor.  Can't..." I trailed off.  Phones were not exactly my strong suit, and I could barely form a coherent sentence with my son, in person, so calling someone was simply out of question.  He jumped up from his desk and bounded past me.  I followed, still letting the sand carry me.  He jumped the stairs, two, three at a time.  I followed closely behind, until we reached the kitchen, to the phone. 

He picked it up and paused.  "Names.  I need names."  He began to dial even without the names.  Not a direct call.  He was calling people who could fetch them.

"Kimiko."

He repeated the name, then looked back to me.

My mind blanked.  Who else.  Names, I couldn't think of names.  Who was on the list Kimiko gave me?  My heart raced, I looked around the room and I remembered a name as I caught sight of the table.  "Mika of the Western Gate." It was a name, it would have to do.  I could only hope she was as good as she proclaimed.

I turned from Shinki.  "Send them to my room when they arrive." I left him, I went back to my room as quick as I could.  She was in bed, doubled over, holding onto her middle.  Whimpers and groans left her mouth consistently.  I was at her side, holding onto her hand.  She glistened, her makeup began to run.  I brushed my fingers over her forehead.

"Hey, didn't die while you were out, yeah?" Her voice was strained and she tried forcing a smile.  Her breath was labored.  Was she supposed to be sitting like this?  Should she lay back?  I had no idea. 

I couldn't voice anything.  Alive, she was still alive.  I needed her to stay this way, and I would have no way of guaranteeing it unless I got a doctor to come in.  I squeezed her hand.  Where was everyone? 

To answer my question, steps came up the stairs.  I looked up to find Mika there, slightly out of breath.  "Too many stairs.  Why the top floor?" She came up to the bed and patted my shoulder.  "Up with you, I need to check her out."

I moved away, reluctantly letting go of Naruto's hand.  "Can you stop it?  She isn't due yet." It needed to stop.  I couldn't lose her.  We had three weeks left.  Three.

She shushed me and she sat on the bed next to her.  "Look at me, everything will be fine.  Do you understand?  First, we need to get this off you.  Arms up."  Naruto did as she asked and the dress began to lift off of her.  I was too worried to care about exposed flesh and soon the blanket covered what the dress had done moments before.  Mika looked over to me and tapped the sand behind my wife.  "She needs to lay back a bit.  Not all the way, but I need her at an incline."

I nodded and I moved most of the sand away from her.  Naruto whimpered as she was leaned back.

"Try to relax."  She rubbed Naruto's leg and she pressed on her stomach.  A frown formed.  "Water's broke." She looked up to me.  "The baby is coming."  She grabbed hold of Naruto's leg and guided her to her side.  "Baby is facing the wrong direction.  We need it facing down.  Relax into it, shh."  She rubbed her back as Naruto gave another cry.

"Hurts.  God, it hurts."

"I know, shh.  It will be over soon.  Your contractions are close.  We might not have much time."  She continued to rub her back, then pressed on her abdomen.  "Almost there."  Another whimper.

I stood there, frozen.  Staring at the scene in front of me.  What could I do?  What was she doing?  Where was Kimiko?  I am going to kill her as I promised when we were children for this.

Minutes passed, then she was rolled back onto her back.  She gave another cry.  Mika turned to me.  "Who are you to this woman, Lord Kazekage?"

"I... She is my wife."

Her eyes widened for a moment, then she nodded.  "Go, hold onto her hands.  Keep her calm."

I followed her order.  This woman, who feared me only hours ago had every confidence in what she was doing to the point of giving orders to the Kazekage without hesitation.  The woman lifted up the blanket, grabbed hold of Naruto's legs and spread them wide.  "Deep breath."

Naruto whimpered and I squeezed her hand tighter.  "What... What are you doing?" The words came in a high pitched squeak and she flinched.

"Checking your dilation." I did not want to contemplate what these words meant.

There was a commotion at the door, and soon a familiar shrouded woman was kneeling next to the bed, next to the midwife.  She moved her hand over Naruto's abdomen and her head turned quickly to the midwife.  I didn't catch what was said, but something about the contractions being too close together.  I think.  What was a contraction?  Maybe I heard wrong.  Naruto looked up to me.  Her makeup was running freely down her cheeks, leaving trails of where her tears had gone.  I wiped the wetness from her face.

"The hospital said it would send a few nurses with some supplies."  Shinki jogged up to the bed, his head turned away from it as he did.  He held out his arm, a large bag held out from it.  "Here, your bag."

Kimiko took it, and began to hook Naruto up to a small monitor.  She gave me a glance.  "Special circumstances, so I included a heart monitor, to be sure."  For Naruto.  Keep her alive.

Just keep her alive.  _Keep her alive_.  I wasn't ready for this.  I couldn't lose her.  Soon, a soft, high pitch beeping sound filled my room and I was reminded of her life.  There were moments it seemed erratic, followed by a soft scream or an 'Oh god, get it out of me'.  Followed by a stern 'Do not push.' from one of the doctors.

"Shit, this is too fast." Kimiko shifted and placed both of her hands onto my wife's abdomen.

"The baby is crowning, push, now." Mika dropped between Naruto's legs.

There was a deep groan, her grip on my hand tightened.  Then, she stiffened and screamed.  "I can't, I can't please, I can't.  This is wrong, there is something... There is..." The words were spoken between pants, followed by another scream.  I winced from the pain in my hand.

"Almost there, one more push, and you will be done."

The heart monitor began to act strangely, the beeps became erratic.  "Some... Something..." Another scream, her body stiffened.

"Naruto?"  I grabbed hold of her hand as tight as I could. 

"We need him to move."

"We are done, the baby is out."

The baby is... Shouldn't the baby be crying?  I thought babies cried when they were born...I stared at Naruto, she gave a deep exhale and she went limp. 

Darkness surrounded me.

My world collapsed around me.

All I could hear was the thin, high buzz of the heart monitor no longer registering a heart beat.


	19. Birth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant for this to be a little longer, and out sooner.  Unfortunately, I came down with a nasty cold, and after writing it, realized I did a terrible job.  Tossed it, and had to start over.  I'm happier with it now, though I am not sure if it is still exactly where I want it, but I hope it comes across well.
> 
> Sorry for the last cliffhanger, I hope this makes up for it :D
> 
> As always, reviews/comments serve to inspire.  Hopefully I can kick this thing so I can get back to a better writing schedule...

 

 

** Gaara **

It didn't take me long to figure out the darkness was not from me being unconscious.  The floor shifted beneath my feet and I pulled the sand from my skin to break through the darkness.  The darkness fell, scattered then reformed around me.  "We need to let them work."  It was Shinki, a slight panic in his voice. 

I couldn't be moved!  Naruto needed me, I heard the monitor, and she- I felt out and pulled the sand from my desk, the dark ink stained sand I had left behind.  I was _not_ going to allow this.  I pulled it up and through his sand, breaking it apart.  In a wit of sand, I would win, I just needed to do it quickly.  Get to my Naruto, save her life, help them.  She had to live. _She had to live._

She had to.  I needed her.  I gave a small yell, pushing aside his sand as quickly as I could.  I needed to get back.  He had managed to pull me out of my room, but I stormed back to-

Chaos.  I froze at the scene in front of me.  What in the world was going on?  When had that _thing_ come in?  The midwife was standing over my wife, the thin buzz of the monitor still going.  Kimiko whimpered above her, a thin stream of chakra streaming out from her hands.  It had been less than a minute, but still it was not a sound I had any interest in hearing.  Ever.  I rushed forwards and tendrils of sand snaked around my waist, holding me back.  "You'll be in the way!"

I pushed back at the iron grip of Shinki's sand with my own.  How _dare_ he?  I growled at him, grabbed his arms with tendrils of my own sand.  "If you keep me from her, I will not hesitate to crush your arms."

His eyes widened a moment, shocked.  I felt a quick pang of regret at my words, but I did not have time to deal with such an emotion.  Not now.  Not when my Naruto was dying.  I was let go, and I turned back to my wife.  I continued towards her.  Numb.  My breath caught in my throat.  The high pitched sound of the heart monitor made everything else seem still, unimportant. 

A breathy One, two, three sounded.  The midwife pushed hard on Naruto's chest.  "Damn it."

Push _.  One._ Push _.  Two._ Push _.  Three._   Push.  _Breathe._

Just then, the annoying creature who wore my face grabbed hold of Kimiko and pulled her away from Naruto.  She seized and fell backwards.  The creature caught her, but it was not my main concern.

Push.  _One._ Push.  _Two._ Push.  _Three._   Push. _Breathe._  "Come on, don't you dare."  Push.  _One._  Push.  _Two._

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

I heard a deep sigh as I neared the bed.  I felt my body shake.  _Beep.  Beep.  Beep._   Did this mean... Did this mean she was alive?  Did she make it through?  _Beep.  Beep.  Beep._ The heart monitor continued to register Naruto's newfound heartbeat, her chest rose and fell on it's own.  Alive.  She's alive.

 _Alive._ I nearly fell onto the bed once there.  I grabbed hold of her hand with both of mine and brought it up to my lips.  I was shaking, but more thankful than I could put words to.  Her breath was hollow, but remained steady.  I concentrated on the feel of her hand in mine.  Hot.  Living.  I can deal with this, she was breathing, her heart beat within her chest.  Blood flowed through her veins.

The midwife touched my shoulder.  "Her heart stopped for less than two minutes.  She seems to be stable, get my attention if anything changes.  I must attend to the baby now." Without waiting for an answer she turned from me.

I stared.  Baby?  My eyes widened.  _The baby_.  Where was it?  I followed her form and my eyes found themselves on a second thing.  Another lookalike.  A clone of the clone.  It was... It was touching my baby.  _My_ baby.  What gave it the right?  I squeezed my wife's hand tighter.  I wasn't ready to leave her yet, the thing should be grateful.  When _did_ the thing arrive anyway?  It must have been while I was being dragged off by my son.  _I will not hesitate to crush your arms._ I winced at the memory of my own words.  Great way to reiterate how great a father I will be, by threatening pain upon my only son.  I rubbed the back of her hand with my thumb.  I leaned down next to her ear and breathed, "Thank you."  For living.  For making it through, for this.  For being mine.  For giving me-

I tensed as I looked up to the midwife and the other version of myself, hovering near her.  Was the baby alright?  The clone seemed to sense my eyes because it looked up and met my gaze.  It gave a small smile, which then widened into a signature toothy grin Naruto would give, gave a thumbs up and disappeared.  The look was a little disconcerting on my own face.  I silently vowed to never try making it.  The midwife flinched at the clone's disappearance. 

Something hit the back of my leg.  I looked up to my own face.  It looked solemn, a deep frown etched upon it's face, my own wrinkle of worry between my brows I myself had trouble concealing at times.  I tilted my head at it.  Then, in a motion which my siblings and son tended to do for me, I pressed on it.  I'm not sure why I did it, but to see such a look on a face so similar to my own seemed... Wrong, in some way.  "This is not a look you usually carry."

He knelt down next to me and averted his eyes.  "Kimiko is in the guest bedroom." His voice broke halfway through it, then after he was done, he took a deep breath.  "Listen, after you meet your daughter, and everything settles down here, can you send someone to untie me?"

Untie?  I stiffened as I realized this wasn't even the original clone, it was yet another copy.  "Where?"

"Kimiko's."  He stood back up and smiled in the direction of the midwife.  "You need to meet her, she is beautiful, Gaara.  Like you."

I frowned at it.  "Like me?  I am not beautiful."

He merely laughed, then, without another word popped out of existence.  This thing was a truly strange creature.  At the moment, I didn't have the heart to be mad at it.  It would likely change, but currently, I was simply numb from the relief Naruto was still alive.  _She's alive._   If Mika hadn't come, if she weren't there at that exact moment, all would have been lost.  I glanced to Naruto.  I didn't want to let go.  I never wanted to let go again.  I held her hand as tightly as I could.  I felt myself begin to shake.  She died.  For a brief second, she had died, and I wasn't able to do anything about it.  Once again, I had to depend on others to make sure she lived.  I was grateful, but it was unnerving. 

Two nurses filed into the room and spoke in hushed tones to the midwife.  "Lord Kazekage, the nurses are going to make sure your wife is fully stable and if she needs to have stitches.  The bleeding doesn't seem bad, but it is best to make sure.

"Stitches?" My stomach twisted at the word.

"Wife?" One of the nurses asked, a squeak to her tone, then grunted as the other nurse elbowed her in the gut.

I ignored them and watched as Shinki crossed the room to the midwife.  She handed him a small bundle.  He had an odd look to his face, one I wasn't sure how to read.  He looked to me and swiftly crossed the room.  He came up next to me and bit his lip.  "She... " He trailed off, then sighed.  "She's tiny." An odd smile tugged at his lips as he held onto an oblong bundle.  Wait.  Was that... Was it...

"Is this..."  My fingers betrayed my emotion by shaking as I reached out for the bundle within Shinki's arms.  I still had one hand on Naruto's, still not ready to let it go.

He gave a nod.  "Yeah..." He trailed off, then handed the bundle to me. 

"Wait, I-" I reached out for the baby and was forced to let go of her mother.  The rest of the weight was shifted into my arms and... And... Such a tiny face.  It was pink, and slightly scrunched up, and she moved just a little and- My heart leapt up to my throat.  She looked... She looked like _me_.  I needed to see all of her.  I wanted... I needed to...  How do I hold onto her?  She was so extremely _small_.  What if I hurt her?  Was I doing this right?  Her head was covered in thick bright red fuzz, tiny red eyebrows and dark, thick lines around her eyes similar to my own, just not quite as thick.  Did she inherit my abilities as well then?  Three distinct marks on her cheeks, whiskers, like her mother were present.  Was it because of the fox inside Naruto?  I traced the marks and it made a sound.  I gasped at it.  "Why did it make a sound?" I quickly looked up to the midwife.

"It's normal, you're fine."  I flinched when I realized Mika was standing over my shoulder.  I hadn't realized she had come. "Now the baby is in good hands, I need to help them tend to her.  What is her name?"

"Nar-"

"Her name is Kisarei." Shinki sent me a pointed look.  Naruto's identity was supposed to be a secret.

"The dead Hokage?" She sent me a smile.  One of the nurses cleared their throat which was followed by a groan.  "I heard the name you spoke earlier, and there is no denying the resemblance.  Besides, your daughter carries the same mark.  However, there is something I don't understand with this."

I frowned.  "She is a woman." I wasn't in the mood to explain what happened, or why.  The why still was a bit confusing to me, but I wasn't about to admit it to a midwife I just met earlier today, no matter the fact she just saved Naruto's life.

"I see this." She gave a small laugh.  "I witnessed the proof of it, just moments ago, this is not what confuses me." The smile fell.  "Isn't the Hokage a carrier of a demon?  The last jinchuuriki?"

I frowned.  "Yes." What was she getting at?

She hummed, a frown on her face.  "Maybe I missed something then."  She sighed and pressed a wet towel to my wife's face.  "She is unconscious.  It took me a little while to get her heart going again, but she took to the injection well.  There shouldn't be any complications from it."

My stomach twisted as I looked on my wife's still form.  "Injection?"

Mika took a small needle from beside the bed.  I hadn't even noticed it there earlier, then again, I wasn't exactly focusing on much beyond Naruto, and heart monitor, and life.  "A special blend.  It was ordered by the last Kazekage to come up with something better in emergency matters during child labor.  So far, only midwives and the hospitals know the formula, and it is monitored in detail.  I will have to give a detailed report of why I needed to use this."  She paused, placed the little needle in a bag and looked to me.  "Will I need to keep your name out of the report?"

I tensed.  I wanted to wait until the marriage to announce her.  Marriage.  It would happen-  I could marry her, she said yes, she was alive, I could- "Will she wake soon?" I blurted out the question the moment it entered my mind.

She looked to the nurses, one gave a small shrug.  She frowned.  "I can't say.  Perhaps she needs rest.  I restarted her heart, but the other woman did something.  I am not familiar with the technique she used, but it didn't seem vital." Her voice was a little bitter sounding as she spoke about Kimiko.  She cleared her throat and flashed me a smile.  "I'm sure she will come out of it soon.  She has been through a lot.  I told you, didn't I?  I've yet to lose a patient, I was not about to start, even without any preparation."  She grabbed her bag.  "Oh, and Lord Kazekage?"

I tilted my head at her.  "Yes?"

"Next time you decide to have a child, get a midwife before your wife is in labor."  She pushed past me.  "There is nothing else I can do for now.  The nurses will make sure everything is in order from here."  She stilled, looked back at me.

She was... She was leaving?  "Wait, you can't, how do I, what do I do with this?"  I lifted the bundle slightly and for the first time I realized Shinki ignored both of us and poked at the baby.  How long had he been doing this?

She smiled.  "I think you will be fine.  I actually had another delivery to attend to before this came up, I need to get back to her." She held up a hand and was out the door.  Another delivery?  Who else in Suna was expecting a child?  I froze.  How many children were born here on a daily basis anyway?  I had no idea.  I frowned at the empty doorframe, willing Mika to return, or at least Kankuro. 

"Hey, look, tiny fingers." I shifted my eyes down to see him holding her arm out from her, pointing at her tiny hands.

"Don't, you might hurt her."  I grabbed hold of her teeny hand and... I gasped.  Tiny fingers wrapped around my index finger and flexed.  A sudden warmth flooded into my chest.  Naruto was safe.  Baby was safe.  Baby was... Holding my finger.  This tiny life, it was mine, I helped make it, this was... This is my daughter.  My little girl.  My breath failed me and I found myself extremely grateful for the chair I was currently sitting in.  At the moment, I wasn't sure I could trust my own legs to hold myself up.

"Father, are you alright?" I heard Shinki, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from the tiny being in my arms.

This little thing, it was part of me.  "Hey, little one."  I wiggled my fingers in her soft grip, her arm moving slightly with my movement.  I smiled down at her.  In this single moment, I felt so... Complete, somehow.  What would this life be, without this tiny little person in it?  I couldn't imagine it.  Not even past this small amount of time with her.  I shifted my eyes up to my wife. 

"Do you think she is going to wake up soon?" Shinki moved away from the bed as one of the nurses began to move the covers away from Naruto's-

This time I looked at him, not wanting to see what they were planning on doing.  "Perhaps."  I cringed as I seen the nurse grab a needle from her belongings, and I heard her mention something about needing to stitch her up because it was 'obvious the baby came out too fast'  "For now, I am content she is alive."  Don't look, don't look, _don't look_.

Shinki made sure he was facing away from the carnage and knelt down next to me, held out a finger to her hand and she latched onto it.  He gave a small chuckle.  "Can I hold her?"

Every muscle in my body tensed at the thought.  "No, I will hold her."  My grip tightened slightly.  Everything in my mind, my body screamed 'mine' and I wasn't about to let her go.  Not now.  Not now she was alive, well and mine.  Very much mine, I made her, she was _mine_.

"I already held her once."  He gave a sigh and looked to Naruto.  He was silent after this, but held an odd expression on his face as he studied her.

I wasn't sure I wanted to know what he was thinking. 

.*.               .*.               .*.

It took Kankuro a full hour to return.  It was at an odd, embarrassing time.  The nurses insisted it was possible for the baby to get milk from Naruto... Somehow.  I refused to watch fully, not sure how humans could actually produce milk without utters, but I held the baby in place on Naruto's chest while the nurses made sure she was at the right angle.  It seemed odd, and Kankuro turned a million shades of red when he walked in even though the baby and a blanket covered everything.  He was entirely panicked, and at the end of a small rant about never going to out to have fun ever again, he crushed me, partially, in a hug.  I held him back some, so he wouldn't come into contact with my little one.  "Hey, can I see her, Gaara?"

I gave a small nod but didn't move her.  He could wait to see.

"How am I supposed to see like that?  Let me hold her when she's done."

"No."  I lowered my arms and held her close to me.  _Mine_.

"Careful, Father's possessive of her." Shinki was sitting at my desk, lounged back and arms crossed.  He looked annoyed.

Kankuro groaned.  "Again?  I thought you would have grown out of it by now."

I tilted my head at him, curious by what he meant.

"What do you mean again, not like he's had a baby to horde before."

Kankuro laughed and sat down at the chair on the opposite side of Shinki.  "Sure he has.  Had a bird when he was four, wouldn't let anybody near it.  Then, after you finally started to get attached to him he went nearly a year before anybody could get near you."

I frowned at him.  "He fell down the stairs and broke his arm." It was for his own good.  I hate these stairs.  We were going to move.  Soon.

"Fine, I give you that.  What's your excuse with her?"

I stared.  Excuse?  I needed one?  She's tiny, defenseless.  "She's mine."

It was the only reason I needed.  I looked to Naruto, wishing she would wake up soon. To experience this with me. 

Wake up, Naruto.

Just wake up...


	20. Western Gate

 

** Gaara **

Three days.  Three entire days have passed since my little one came into the world.  Three entire days since I nearly lost her mother.  I held my wife's hand in an odd sense of deja vu as she lay unconscious in my bed.  It was like before, except this time the little one was firmly attached to my chest instead of growing inside of Naruto.  The strange, bewildering and terrifying tiny little being I had no idea what to do with.  I still hadn't seen her eyes fully, which even the nurses said was an odd development.  Mika had returned the next morning, told me not to worry yet, since everything else was in order.  Every few hours, she would begin to wiggle and make to most desperate sounding whine, and I would place her upon my wife, and she would suckle and calm.  Then sleep.  She slept a lot, too much?  I had no idea.

I willed Naruto to wake up.  I needed her.  Kimiko had recovered after a day, checked on her, then left with barely a word.  I wasn't sure what she did to her, I asked but she simply tensed, said it was unimportant and left again.  My daughter began to squirm.  Small sounds erupted from her mouth, then something strange came out of her.  I could feel it through the small blanket she was wrapped in and I held her away from me.  What?  Was this normal?  I knew I should have put some sort of diaper on her, but she hadn't needed one yet... and...

My breath caught as I let go of Naruto's hand, wrapped her back up and raced out of the room.  Something was wrong.  What was wrong with her?  My heart raced as I allowed my sand to slide me past all of my steps.  Outside.  It would be quicker for me to hunt down Mika if I was on foot myself.  I was a good tracker, besides, I left a small amount of my sand on her person.  I could find her easily even within a sandstorm as long as she had it near her.  I smiled.  She didn't even know.  A small gift, a bracelet, laced with the a few grains of sand.  I demanded she wear it, and she promised she would.  I created a sarong around my little one, ignored the yells of my family and ran straight towards the call of the sand.  I could feel it, at the edges of my consciousness, to the west.  The Western Gates.  This is where she is from, so it made sense to follow it.

Mika's name was the only thing on my mind. Find her, demand an explanation, save my daughter.  This couldn't be normal.  Could it?  There was black and red and it was wrong.  I needed to fix her.  I needed to-

I felt the tug of the sand shift and I changed direction.  What was she up to?  I ignored the shouts and pointing of fingers of a few people I either nearly trampled or simply caught their attention as I made my way towards the community of the Western Gate.  It was not a community I usually visited.  It was one which was connected directly to the underground, the gate being one of the main entrances to the large underground tunnel network.  Most of the citizens who were part of the gates spent most of their lives within them.  They shopped, lived and stayed within their small communities.  Or large ones.  Every gate housed thousands of-

Why am I thinking about this?  Just because my personal midwife happened to be there?  She belonged to me now, after saving Naruto, I hoped she realized.  I would never allow her to exit my employ after such a feat.  Soon, it came within view.  The arch which held the main gate to the west.  Every piece of Suna was divided this way, these giant arches.  I felt deep within it. The sand.  I needed the sand.  Her place was... Her place was...

Inside?  I slowed my pace and walked up to the giant arch which loomed over my head, speckled with windows yet completely devoid of doors.  A self containing system.  She really had meant she was from the Western Gate.  Inside of the gate.  I could feel it, just above my head.  I bit my lip and ignored the whispers of nearby citizens who recognized me.  Or, at least I _tried_ to ignore them.  Whispers, Is that the Kazekage? Should we be worried, if it's the Kazekage, then why is he holding a baby?

Why indeed.  I had yet to announce my marriage, I had yet to announce my daughter.  I wanted to wait.  Wait until the naming ceremony for my daughter, wait until my ceremonial marriage to Naruto to present them with my wife, the mother of my child, Thier Lady, Kisarei.  I should get used to this name.

I am stalling.  I took a deep breath as she moved against me.  "Shh, it's alright." She settled down and I made sure the wrap around her was secure enough to shield her from the harsh sun.  I needed to get inside.  For her, I needed to get out of this heat.  I swallowed down the creeping urge to run the other direction and headed inside.  I gasped at the sudden outburst of loud noise which erupted from the door.  People.  People everywhere.  It was just like the underground, crowded and full of people who all had things to do.  I stepped inside and froze.  How did I navigate up to where Mika was?  How in the world could anyone find their way in this mess?  I never bothered memorizing the vast tunnel systems in my own city, focusing entirely on the upper level.  I never before had the need or desire to enter them, and this time, I did not have Temari as a buffer.

My breath caught in my throat and my heart leapt out from my chest.  What was I doing?  I couldn't do this.  This was beyond me.  I wasn't meant to be here.  _I need to get away_.  I gasped as someone nudged into my shoulder, my heart leapt to my throat and I pushed them away with my sand without thinking.  Too close to the baby.  Don't.  Touch.  Her.  I glared in the person's direction and they looked at me, eyes wide as saucers as realization of who I was dawned on them.

"Lord Kazekage!" The person yelled it out as they fell to their knees, placed their hands upon the floor and bowed their head.  While the person did this, a full circle formed around us, more people dropped to their knees as others scattered away.  The person who nudged my shoulder apologized profusely, but I didn't pay attention to the exact words while the others reacted to my presence.  The dull roar of life within the gate fell silent and the air filled with whispers and the sound of footsteps echoed within the cavernous opening of the gate.

I held onto my daughter just a bit too tightly and quickly loosened my hands.  I scanned the people and decided to use the person who outed me.  I grabbed them up, stood them in front of me, ignoring the addition of more footsteps quickly adding to the original sound.  "You will take me to Mika of the West Gate."

"Mika..." It was here I realized the person who I was forcing to help me was nothing more than a boy.  One who was roughly Shinki's age, maybe a bit younger.  I narrowed my eyes.  No, he was definitely younger.  Closer to the age I had been when I met my Naruto.  Mine.  Baby.  Emergency.  I didn't have time for this.

"Yes, her name is Mika.  She is up in the arch, but I do not know how to get there."

"The midwife, Mika?" The boy stood.

"Yes, this Mika.  You must hurry."  I bounced my daughter, just a little as she squirmed and fussed in my arms.  Calm little one, please, it will be ok.

The boy followed the motion and his eyes widened.  "Yes my Lord, right this way." He turned and ran off towards the right and I followed him, cradling my daughter to my chest.  Soon, soon I will have answers, and she will be fine.  She will be fine, she _had_ to be fine.  I felt the worry wrinkle form on my forehead, but I didn't care.  If my people seen me worry for my daughter, then so be it.  Let there be rumors.  I just didn't care.  There was something wrong with my little one.  My small, tiny daughter who needed me.  I felt a protective rush towards the little thing in my arms.  So small, so very small.  Please, hurry child, please, for _her_.

He pushed through the crowd, yelling for them to make way.  They parted easily and soon he pushed open a door to a stairwell.  "Stairs?"

"We can climb faster than the escalators or elevators can rise." He held a serious expression on his face.

I nodded.  "Very well, but we aren't climbing, it might jar her too much.  Tell me when to stop."

"Wha-" I interrupted his question by lifting us both from the ground and carrying us up the stairs with my sand.  I rushed through floors, the stairs moving more towards the left with every floor to follow the arch of the gate.  I scoffed after the tenth, and the boy still showed no hesitation or hint to the fact we were getting near.  Forget my house, this place had too many stairs.  How many levels were there?

"She is near the top.  She is the head midwife to the Western Gate, delivered my baby brother last year, so I know it pretty well, don't worry 'bout it, alright?"

I shifted my eyes to the boy and he widened his eyes. 

"Sorry Lord Kazekage, I didn't mean to speak out of place."

I shifted my eyes back to the stairs.  Speak out of place?  I wanted to speak, but I was afraid to give my worry away more than I had.  Worry was weakness.  This child was a weakness, albeit a very welcome one.  I grit my teeth and moved us faster.  I ignored the gasp the boy gave and soon came a 'wait!'.  I slowed us down, and after one more flight of stairs we were at Mika's floor.  I sat us down as gently as I could, gathered my sand back up and pushed at the door without invitation from the boy.  Quiet.  It was extremely quiet compared to what we had just left.  I frowned at the soft pace of the people beyond the door.  There were shops, doors which looked as though they were residencies.  It looked similar to a village community rather than part of a sandstone gate.

"Sector 9" It was the only introduction he spoke as he moved past me and half jogged out into the small, narrow community.

Sector nine?  I wasn't aware these things were divided into sectors...  I followed him silently until he reached a carved doorway within what looked like a built in house.  "Is this it?"

He gave a curt nod and knocked on the door.  Soon, the door swung open and I was face to face with the midwife I so desperately needed.  "Mika!"  I held the baby up and towards her.  "There is something wrong, you need to fix her."  You _need_ to.

"Lord Kazekage, um, come in?" Her voice hitched at the end, making it more of a question. 

I did not hesitate on the confused invitation and entered the premises, followed by the boy who had helped me arrive to my destination.

"Genki, what are you doing here?"

Genki?  It must be the boy's name.  I didn't care, not at the moment.  I grabbed her with my sand and pulled her towards me.  "My daughter, there is something wrong."

She held out her hands and I stared at them.  "Alright."

"Well?  What are you doing?" I continued staring at the woman's hands.  What did she want?

"I can't very well examine her while you are holding her now can I?  Tell me what's wrong?"

She what?  "How am I supposed to know what is wrong, if I knew what is wrong, I would not be here.  I am not in the mood to-"

"The baby, Lord Kazekage.  Give me the baby." Her voice darkened with the words.

"I can't" I meant it.  My heart leapt to my throat and I took a small step back.  Mine.  She could examine her from there.

"Listen, I can't do my job if you don't let me.  What did you see or hear or smell or experience which made you come here without a call or message first?" She stepped forward and grabbed hold of my baby.

She can't, she's mine, I won't- In order to keep from harming her the baby was pried successfully from my arms and I tensed.  The moment I lost contact she began to squirm, her tiny voice calling out for me.  She needs me, I can't- "Wait, give her-"

"It will be fine, she just misses you, but I need to examine her.  Now, what happened?"

"The blankets..." I trailed off as I hovered near her, ready to scoop up the small bundle of whimpering limbs and red hair.

The boy slowly came to stand next to me to watch as the blankets were peeled away from her.  Black, and red and nothing normal was inside.  The woman grabbed some sort of wipe from the table she set my daughter on and motioned for me to come closer.  I took a step towards her and held my finger out for my little one to latch onto.  Once it hit her tiny hand her little fingers wrapped around it and she settled a little.  I breathed a small sigh when she did.  "Here, watch what I do.  You will be needing to place her in diapers from now on, and you will need to know how to clean her properly."

I gave a nod and watched as she carefully wiped the infant's bottom and all around her legs.  I frowned.  I would have to do this?  "How often?"

"When she dirties a diaper." She gave a soft chuckle.  "What you seen is normal, don't worry.  The first few will be like this, then it will lighten up and get runny so you want to keep her in more than just a blanket.  Also, she is one who will bleed a little.  If you still see it in a few days let me know, otherwise it is perfectly normal."

"Bleeding is normal?" I swallowed.  "Will it happen again?"

She gave a sharp laugh, then shook her head.  "Heaven's no.  She is just going through hormonal withdrawal.  Once everything is out of her system, it won't happen again for a long time."

Happen again? I frowned at her, my eyes a little wide from the hint she added into her sentence.  "Don't worry about it, you have quite some time before this becomes an issue."  She grabbed a cloth diaper and lifted my daughter from the table just enough to slide it beneath her, then finish it off with pins.  "There we go, you can hold onto her again."

I scooped her back up and held her close to my chest.  She fussed a little and I bounced her softly.  "Shh, it's alright."  Her little hands grabbed at my shirt and I smiled down at her.  Then, she opened her eyes.  I gasped as I seen them in their entirety.  They were... Like mine, again like me.  No pupils, large, but much more blue than green.  She really was a true mix of us.  The most brilliant of either of our traits mixed into one.

"Hey, she looks like you." The boy's voice was followed by the sound of skin slapping onto skin.

I shifted my eyes to him to notice his eyes were wide and his hand was plastered firmly against his face.  "So... Everything is ok, she is fine?"

Mika gave a soft hum.

I looked back down to my daughter and her bright, curious greenish blue eyes.  "Gaara."

It became silent in the room, then, "What?"

"My name.  It is Gaara.  Thank you, for everything."  I looked up to them and gave them a small smile. 

Before either of them could respond, a door opened to the side and a man entered.  I looked at him, tensed for a moment, then groaned.  Red hair, pale skin, too muscular body to be me.   He met my eyes, then a frown formed on his lips and he groaned as well.  "Gaara." My heart lurched at the sound of Naruto's voice leaving him.

"Must you make it your mission to compromise all of my doctors?"

He glared.  "Fuck off, jackass.  You left me to rot in that house.  It took her two damn days to come back and let me go.  I remembered this woman from the delivery of the thing in your arms."

I stared.

"This is weird. So,I should go..." The boy trailed off and I heard the door open then shut.

"Was I supposed to get you?" I tilted my head at the thing.  I didn't fully remember our earlier conversation, I was busy with Naruto, baby and Naruto.  And baby.

"Um, guys?" I ignored Mika and focused only on the upset looking... me.

"I told you I was tied up at Kimiko's.  I could have starved to death, or died of dehydration.  What if her house was suddenly overtaken by enemy shinobi and I was killed?  Don't forget Naruto's life depends on me just as much as mine depends on hers."

"So you take it out on me by sleeping with another one of my-"

There was a deep groan.  "I have not slept with this guy, nor do I have any desire to.  I don't know what you two are doing, or what your history is, but I am tired of it and I have work to do."  Mika silenced both of us with her words and opened the door.  "Out." She pointed, her lips tightened into a thin line.  "The baby is fine.  Call next time you feel there is something wrong, Lord Kazekage.  And you." She pointed at the clone.  "Are not welcome back here."

I had the strange feeling as though I were a child being chastised and I took my leave, followed by my other me.  Just before leaving he held his hand to his chest and changed into someone mundane looking.  Brown hair, brown eyes, the mark on our forehead gone.  I tilted my head at him and he looked away from me.  "I will follow you back."

I narrowed my eyes at him.  "The last time you were in my house you violated my brother."

He stiffened and returned his gaze to me.  Then, his lips twisted upwards into a sideways smile.  "If I remember correctly, it was your brother who was doing the violating."

My eyes widened as the image of them together floated through my mind and I squeaked at it.  "Vulgar!"  I breathed the word and turned from him.  Then froze.  How... How did I get out of this place?  People started to notice my presence.  Whispers began with the stares.  "Do you know how to get out of here?"

"Perhaps."  He moved in front of me, a slight twirl to his step.  "You have to agree to let me follow you home though.  No sandy business, and you will listen to me." He slumped a little, a glaze came over his eyes.  He took in a shaky breath.  "I hate stairs.  We will take the elevators.  There is one I like best.  Follow me."  He turned away without another word.

I followed behind him silently, letting my eyes wander to take in the surroundings.  I had felt it, within the stone.  How many residences were within the gates, down below in the underground.  For some reason I had pictured them in my mind as nothing more than overcrowded cave like dwellings with interweaved tunnels.  I had no interest in seeing them myself.  I was the Kazekage, and I had no idea how beautiful these places were.  They were more like communities, full neighborhoods and ecosystems rather than a place to stuff the overpopulation of regular citizens.  I concentrated most on the ninja of Suna, the above ground neighborhoods and disregarded the abundance of the regular populous.  What a fool I've been.  I shifted my daughter in my arms when I noticed her bright eyes were still open, her tiny little mind taking in what she could see.  I wondered if she would have any idea of what any of this was with her untrained eyes.  "Slow down?" I said it before thinking it fully.

He stopped, turned to look at me and his eyes fell to the child.  "Have you named her yet?"

"The naming ceremony won't be until Temari comes."  I stiffened and my eyes widened in realization.  I hadn't written to her yet.  I hadn't cancelled any of the other medics.  The council knew of my daughter's birth and already scheduled the ceremony.  It was three days from now and- "I do not want to settle upon a name until Naruto wakes up."

"Other isn't..." He sighed.  "I'm sorry."

I tilted my head at him.  Sorry?  For what?

His face mimicked my blank and he turned from me.  "I'll walk slower, come on."

I was curious.  He seemed... Off.  Not as lecherous, or happy.  Or creepy.  I frowned.  I was getting the feeling he had something to tell me.  Something important.  We moved slowly to the end of the narrow village and came upon an arched doorway.  We entered through the arch and we were faced with doors, many many doors.  I sent him a questioning look.

"Elevators." He went to the farthest one and started to punch a code into the number box on the panel.  "These are specifically for the elite of the Gates.  You have to buy the pass code, and they change them monthly." After a series of about ten digits, the doors slid open and he entered the contraption.

I followed him.  "How do you have a code?" He was hardly wealthy or an elite of any sort.

He leaned against the wall giving a small shrug. "Pheromones." His voice was low and he looked to the corner.  "Watch."

I decided not to press him, sure I didn't want the full details of how he became so intimately familiar with the gate.  I looked to the area he himself was staring at when the floor lurched below my feet.  I shot my sand out from my skin and balanced myself as my stomach threatened to remove it's contents.  I looked up at the clone in a panic.  Deathtrap.  This thing was a full blown deathtrap and he was going to execute all three of us in one motion.

"Relax, will you?  These ones are meant to be fast, perfectly safe.  Trust me."

"I don't."  The little one began to fuss in my arms.  "She doesn't like this."  I don't like this.  I didn't mind free falling - in fact I rather enjoyed doing it, but free falling trapped inside a box was not my idea of a good time.

He sighed and pushed a button.  The box slowed and I felt my feet stabilize on the floor.

"Killjoy.  Look." He gave a small jerk of his head towards the corner and I gasped at the view.

Suna, in all her glory.  The arches towered over the main areas of the village, connected by the spillways which all led in towards the center.  Where only one thing stood taller than the gates and spillways, the Kazekage tower.  There were times I forgot how large this place truly was.  I felt sick as I remembered the possible outcome of when Naruto was attacked in the hospital.  Thousands.  I had the ability to kill thousands without remorse, including the thousands who's lives were centered within this gate.  I swallowed as I looked at the tower, in full view as we descended the many floors of the gate.  From here it seemed small, distant.  There were over twenty floors to the tower, and the base of it was solid sandstone, the building didn't even start until the spillways met at it's base. 

"This place, it's nothing like Konoha.  No trees, no quaint places to visit, no lakes.  Yet, from here, it feels surreal and spectacular.  From here, it feels as though I can live in this place.  The gate communities, they remind me of home.  I only came to find Mika, but I think I might make my home in one."

I stiffened.  He was planning his future here?  "You are not going back to your host?"

His eyes moved to me and narrowed.  " _Never_."  He crossed his arms.  "Other no longer has the ability to force me to go back, and I want to live." He faced back towards the windows.  "I am _going_ to live."

It was the last thing either of us said on our trip back.

.*.               .*.               .*.

The clone took to sitting in a corner, staring blankly in the direction of his original.  His knees were up, his arms rested loosely upon them, his hands dangled out in front.  I wasn't sure I wanted to deal with the creature yet.  He seemed to want to speak when I brought him back, but then slumped down into the corner.  Every ounce of confidence I had ever sensed about it was gone.  He seemed... Broken, in some way.  I did my best to ignore him for now.  I placed the baby on her mother, letting her suckle on my unconscious wife.  I softly stroked her back.  My family. 

My _family_.  This still was hard for me to fully comprehend.  I was still wrapping my mind around the fact Naruto would go so far as to become a woman for me, give me a child.  _My_ child.  My wife.  It all felt strange to me, yet necessary now I had them.  I had no idea how to be a father, not really.  I failed Shinki in many ways though I tried.  He too was necessary for me, a desperate connection I had forged in this life.  Somehow, in spite of me he became what he is.  Strong, protective.  I was sure he would make an excellent Kazekage one day, especially after the vision.  If he needed to, he would stand up to me in order to protect his people.  It was a fact I knew, a fact I would count on.

I was brought out of my thoughts by Kankuro.  "What in the hell is _he_ doing here?"

I didn't bother to look.  "He followed me home."

"He isn't a dog Gaara, you don't just let things like that follow you home."

"I am not a _thing_." The words were venomous.

I looked over to him.  Not a thing.  I frowned, feeling guilty of calling the clone a thing, even if only in my own mind.  Or had I spoken the sentiment aloud?  The creature's eyes were narrow, serious.  He still seemed off, broken.  Angry.

Kankuro grunted.  "Whatever." My brother turned to face me, purposely focused on me after allowing his eyes drift down to my suckling child.  He cleared his throat.  "Where exactly did you go?  You can't just up and leave like that without telling anyone where you are going.  What if someone attacked?  What would happen then?"

"I am usually not the first responder."

"I meant _you_ , dumb ass." He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.  "You aren't exactly, well, yourself."

"I can protect myself."

" _And_ her?"

My breath caught in my throat.  And her.  The words echoed in my head.  Weakness.  She was my weakness, my wife was my weakness.  Suna once proved to be a weakness, and I paid the ultimate price for saving it, my attacker using my newfound empathy to their advantage.  Low handed bastard.  _Fine_.  "I should have said something."

"There, was it that hard to say?  Next time, actually say something.  We've been fucking worried, you know?"  He paused.  "Where exactly did you go anyway?"

"The Western Gate."

"The..." He trailed off, our eyes met, and his widened when he realized I wasn't attempting a joke.  "What in the damn hell were you doing there?"

I rubbed my daughters back, then lifted her away from Naruto when she started to fuss.  I brought her to my shoulder and lightly patted her.  "Mika."  I was tired of talking.  Why couldn't Temari already be here?  I felt myself stiffen.  Wait.  I jerked my head towards my desk.  Letters. I needed to write letters.  "I... I haven't written Temari yet, I haven't canceled the midwives and medics, I need to-"

Hands held onto my shoulders firmly.  "Gaara, calm down.  It's fine.  You wrote them the night the baby was born."

Did I?  I looked to him and stared at him in disbelief.  "I would remember if I did."

"There was an entire stack of them.  Three for Konoha, four for the elders, a few for the local medics and one to the Mizukage."

I stared.  What?  "I don't remember." 

His hands fell from my shoulders, then he held up a finger for my daughter to grab hold of.  "This also isn't the first time you have freaked out about it.  You should rest, you know.  Let us handle the baby for a few hours.  I half raised Shinki, I _am_ capable."

The thought of handing her over to Kankuro, even for a few hours terrified me.  "I can't.  Not yet."

He sighed and stepped back.  "Soon?  Even you have your limits."  He gave a sideways glance at the clone, pointed a finger at him.  " _Stay_."

The clone glared at him, still in the same position in his corner.  He didn't say a word, but his eyes were filled with murderous intent.

Kankuro grumbled and left the room without another word.

I stared back at the clone who still was sending a glare towards the door.  "Regretting your indiscretion with my brother?" I am not sure why I said it.

His eyes slid up to meet mine.  "I do not need to like someone in order to find pleasure in their bodies, Lord Kazekage.  Given the opportunity, I would do him again.  He is very good with-"

" _Vulgar_!" I half yelled the word at him, my voice pitched.  I felt the heat rise to my face and the familiar sound of cracking sand filled the room.

He gave a dark chuckle and resumed his silent posture.  I regretted asking. _I did not need to know_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am finally feeling a bit human again, so back on track to write!  Sorry for the long spot between chapters.  My mind just didn't want to work.  Still have a bit of a fever, but I think the worst of it is over.  *Crosses her fingers*  I hope you like my depiction of Suna.  It seems so large!  I was always fascinated by the few pictures/scenes they do show of Suna in the show and games and such.  I can't help but picture Suna this way.  The long division of sand walls sometimes show windows, indicating they are used as a walkway to traverse the city without being caught in the desert heat, and there are large buildings behind the buildings on the street so I imagine everything is connected by underground tunnels and passageways, allowing the people a reprieve from the outside.  I believe there is a town in Australia in the desert somewhere which does this exact thing.  I think it is called Coober Pety?  Something like that anyway.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and I hope my sickness addled brain isn't tricking me into thinking it is descent. 
> 
> As always, reviews/comments serve to inspire.  :D


	21. Kimiko

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and sweet this time.  The next chapter will be all about Temari's arrival and the baby's naming ceremony so it should be longer.  I just felt this one needed to end where it was, so I hope you all enjoy it.
> 
> As always, comments/reviews serve to inspire.  :D

 

 

 

** Gaara **

I felt numb.  Another two days had passed.  Temari should be here today.  I got a note which said she would.  I didn't leave my room.  The clone barely moved from his position in the corner.  Naruto still hadn't woke.  The baby fed every few hours like clockwork, and there was another need for a diaper change today.

Everything felt off.  Feed the baby.  Burp the baby.  Eat something.  Stare at Naruto while she slept.  Sign random paperwork.  Repeat the process.  I was thankful the clone kept silent.  I wasn't in the mood to speak.  I wasn't in the mood to breathe, do work, eat or be personal.  All which existed was me, the baby, Naruto and occasionally, I would stare at the clone who still wore the brown haired guise.  In a way, I was thankful for this.  It was disconcerting looking into a face which mirrored my own.

Feed the baby.  Burp the baby.  Eat something.  Stare at Naruto as she slept.  Five days.  The baby is five days old now.  Two more, and she will be a week.  One more day, and the baby will be named.  I gave a shaky breath as I fixated on my wife's face.  We never spoke about names.  We never spoke about expectations and ritual or...

Tomorrow the baby will have a name.  With, or without my wife.  It made my stomach turn.  Acid rose in my throat at the thought.  I gave Naruto a naming ceremony, in case.  In case she would die.  In case something like this would happen.  I was still unprepared for it.  I thought we would have time to talk about the finer details.  Things like what to name her.  Things like where we would like to raise her.  Things like what to do if she inherited any of our abilities.  The Uzumaki regeneration, my sand ability.  What if she had both?  What if she was born with trace amounts of Shukaku?  With the marks, it was obvious she was born with some of the fox energy.  Her birth answered the odd question which always floated through my mind.  Was Naruto born with those marks?  The other two offspring had partial markings - mere shadows compared to their father, but this little one, they were identical to hers.  Deep, whisker marks etched into her skin.

I traced over them.  She was asleep, for now.  I made sure to be gentle with her.  I hadn't worn sand on my hands or arms since she was born.  I was afraid I would harm her.  Scratch her soft, delicate skin with a stray grain of dense sand.  I wanted to keep her innocent, pure.

What sort of ninja would she become?  She was the daughter of two Kages, two jinchuuriki.  Would she become stronger than either of us?  Give Shinki someone to train to take over for- I frowned.  No, it wouldn't be good to think this way.  I already made my decision.  Shinki would be the next Kazekage, whenever I felt the need to retire.  When I was ninety.  I had no desire to retire, not anytime soon.  I spent more of my life as the leader of Suna, than I had as a regular shinobi.  Before my run for the role, I was mad.  Focused on blood, death and how much blood a person could remove from their bodies before they would die.  I was fascinated by their screams, their helpless pleas for mercy and in the end for their death.  It was amazing how much one would shift in a few hours from pleading for life towards the exact opposite.

A shiver run up my spine at the memories invading my mind.  Faceless masses, twisting beneath me, a silent scream forever etched upon their memory.  Here, holding my daughter, my lifeline to this reality and I still craved for this.  No, I would not retire anytime soon.  I needed this position, I needed this outlet to keep myself sane, keep myself in a position I could feed the need to kill.  When needed, _only_ when needed.  I was no longer this person from my childhood. 

I rubbed my daughter's back.  I hoped she would never learn of who I once was.  The things I have done.  I continued to rub circles on her back while I watched my wife sleep.  Perhaps this slumber of hers was a good thing.  I could remove the last major connection to my childhood before she woke.  The house I lived in.  The house I was raised in.  The house which held a graveyard of unidentifiable victims.  How many had I killed there?  How many had I tortured?  I couldn't remember.  I didn't _want_ to remember.

I should feel worse about it than I do.  I was more worried about what my wife, daughter and son would think than the reality of it.  Shinki had witnessed me kill before, but I was always careful not to fully indulge in the act in front of him.  Always swift, clean and merciful.  They would quickly disappear into my sand, and I would mix the blood into whatever was near so as not to stain into what I carried.  The baby began to fuss.  Feed the baby.  Burp the baby.  Eat something.  Stare at Naruto as she slept.  Mindless routine.  I welcomed it.  I didn't want to think.

Hours passed by, two more times to follow the mindless routine.  Shinki came, lounged in the chair near Naruto's bed.  He didn't say a word.  He didn't have to.  His presence was enough, a reminder to life, to what I needed to do.  I looked back to the clone, still sitting with his knees up, arms resting on them.  He looked dreadful.  Exhausted.  I frowned at the creature.  He loitered in my room long enough, I wanted to know what he knew.  Something happened to make him this way.  He was too strange, unpredictable to just sit around in my room looking as though he seen a ghost.  I crooked a finger towards him, gathered my sand beneath him and deposited him swiftly at my feet.  "Speak."  I was still not in the mood to use my voice and hoped my intentions would be clear with the single word.

He didn't react to being moved.  His eyes were clouded, fixated on some object which did not exist.  "She lied to me." His voice was nothing more than a whisper, broken.

I tilted my head at him, but he did not notice.  If he did, he made no other sound of acknowledgement.  I sighed.  Fine then.  "Who lied?"

"Kimiko."  This time his hands clenched into fists.  "Used me." He brought his eyes up to look at me.  They glistened with unshed moisture.  "She fucking _used_ me, Gaara."  He leaned back and I caught his back with my sand before he fell backwards onto the floor.

"Explain."  I couldn't see Kimiko using him for anything.  If nothing else, she had a worse aversion to being touched than I did myself.  It was what I liked about her, she understood this part of me.  Catered to it.

"I remembered her, from the attack.  She saved us somehow, I am not sure how, but I could feel it.  So I sought her out.  She's a doctor, right?  I thought she could maybe fix us.  Get us through when the baby removed... When..." He gave an exasperated growl.  "Fuck, I don't even _feel_ right.  You don't even fucking know what happened, why Other is in a damn fucking coma.  Here I am, feeling as though I had my damn stomach removed, and you have no damned idea why."

I stiffened.  He knew what was keeping my Naruto from waking up?  " _Tell me_."

"She _knew_.  She knew Mika would save us.  She had no intention of trying to fix it, to stop it from happening, she didn't-" He lurched forwards and buried his head between his knees and covered his head with his arms, digging his fingers into his hair.  "She used me.  She looked in my memories.  She told me I was different, told me she could touch me without sight.  She used my memory, she used it."

I felt my stomach twist further into a knot as he went on.  My mind swarmed with questions I had no idea how to ask.  I sat there, staring at the broken clone as he melted into a sobbing mess.

Shinki moved, he came up beside us and tapped his shoulder.  The clone tensed, then relaxed into a hum.  "What memory did she steal from you?"

He was silent for a while.  He wiped his eyes to remove the tears and looked up to my son.  "Your father.  I was there when he was brought to life, I watched as the elder Chiyo restored him.  She used something similar to how Other made me.  She came to me nightly, watched the memory until she memorized it."

I bit on my tongue.  Touch, touch made her see.  He tainted Kimiko, slept with her until-

"I barely made it in time to save her." He looked at me.  "She is going to die, Gaara.  She gave everything for us.  For you." He averted his eyes again.  "She gave everything for you."

I felt the crease form between my brows.  "I... I don't understand.  If Mika saved Naruto, why would Kimiko-"

"Because she would die." His voice broke.  "Naruto gives life away like it's nothing.  She gave me half of hers, then you.  Then she made Neji and the clone who died.  At best, she would have had ten years left in her.  In us."

The world melted with the words.  Ten.  Ten years?  I swallowed the sudden dry from my throat.  "Kimiko... Kimiko extended her life?"

"She gave almost everything.  I don't know how much she has left.  I asked.  She said most.  Do you know what most means?" His eyes returned to me, piercing, full of emotion.  "Do you?  I finally find someone I can identify with, and she fucking gives her damn life away.  I don't..." He trailed off and buried his head again and a sob escaped him.

Numb.  The numb which consumed me lately filled every ounce of my being.  "She..."

"I don't want to watch her die."

"Watch her..." My vision blurred as the meaning of his words sank in.  Kimiko gave Naruto most of her life.  How much?  Why would she do it?  What gave her the _right_ to do it?  My heart began to race.  Kimiko...

"Father?" I barely heard him above the sound of my own racing heart.

I fought to catch my breath.  No.  She couldn't have... "She's my friend, she can't... She can't..." I began to feel myself tremble and the baby began to cry.  Baby.  Daughter.  I needed... I needed air.  I felt her move off of my chest and I crumpled forward.  I needed to-

I fell backwards, no longer able to focus on the events around me.  I hunted for something to focus on.  I was having a panic attack in front of a clone, I needed to settle down.  _Spiral_.  There on the ceiling.  I stared at it until the sounds of soft beeping and the cry of my daughter became more recognizable.   Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Everything would be fine.

 _Everything would be fine_.

.*.               .*.               .*.

It was a few hours before I fully regained my composure.  The baby wouldn't stop crying and Shinki shoved her at me, which fully brought me out of my mind.

"Don't get me wrong, while I like holding her, I draw the line at attaching her to your wife.  I won't do it." 

My arms were filled with fussy baby girl limbs and tears.  _Crying._   My heart gave a lurch.  _My fault_.  I cradled her to me and rubbed her back, whispering sweet nothings to her.  It didn't take her long to go from wailing baby to soft tearful hiccups.  "I'm sorry, shh, it's alright.  Don't cry."  Tiny hands grabbed at my shirt and I felt myself melt.  I kissed the top of her fuzz covered head and latched her onto my wife.  Her teary eyes closed in contentment and her tiny hands opened and closed over the skin of Naruto's breast.  I gave a sigh as I watched her feed.

"I'm sorry, you had no idea she gave so much away."

I looked over to the clone.  "Shouldn't you be happy about this?  Your life ends with Naruto's." I gave him an accusatory glare.  "I can't help but think you planned this."

He gave me a glare of his own.  "I would never sacrifice another life just to save my own.  _I,"_ he stressed the word carefully, "never had that kind of motto, you jackass."

I felt the blood drain from my face at the implication.  Not Naruto.  Something else.  Someone else.  Someone who tread less carefully around my own past.  I looked at my son who merely watched with a blank expression.  I was not going to elaborate on the statement.  "Then why did you seek her out?" There had to be a real reason.

His eyes were fixated on me, unblinking.  "Kurama."

What?  "What would she know about him?"

"She might have been able to figure out a way to put him back."

"Put him back?  What are you talking about?  Everyone knows the nine tail fox is sealed in Un... In Lady Kisarei." Shinki spoke the question I was thinking.

The clone scoffed.  "When the freak show of a broken clone offed himself, he disrupted Other's chakra network to stop the chakra leak." He looked over to Naruto.  His face darkened, his lips thinned.  "Then, to stop the baby syphoning off what little was left of her chakra, he moved himself to the damn baby, leaving a bigger possibility Other would die in childbirth."

The demon, he... Naruto's screams during birth echoed in my mind.  _I can't.  This is wrong, there is something... There is..._   The air was knocked from my lungs at the realization of what happened during the birth of our daughter.  I placed my hand on her back.  I felt down with my chakra, being as gentle as I could.

Heat, immense heat erupted in my skin and I pulled my hand back as I reached within her.  _Kurama_.  He was in _her._ My baby, my sweet little daughter, she was a jinchuuriki.  "No..."  I watched Naruto's face.  The ripping pain of having Shukaku removed from my body sent a painful wave through my body.  Not only had Naruto been in danger of death because of her wish, but she also had Kurama ripped from her body in the process.  No wonder she'd been so weak, so tired.  No wonder she was in a coma.  This exact thing killed me.  If it hadn't been for Lady Chiyo...  I shuddered at the thought.  "Shinki, this doesn't move past this room.  Not yet."  I met his eyes.  "The life of a jinchuuriki is a difficult one.  I don't want this for her, she doesn't deserve it."

"People aren't afraid of Kurama."

I raised a brow to him.  "Aren't they?"  I knew.

I knew the unspoken secret.  The whispers of his own villagers.  The fear they showed him when they thought no one looked.  _Demon._

_Monster._

Being a jinchuuriki was a curse.  One both my wife and I knew well.  One I never wanted my daughter to inherit.

My daughter is a jinchuuriki.

She would have to bear the same curse.

Endure the hate.

Endure the fear.

I wanted to fix this.  I would never be able to _.  It was not fair_.

.*.               .*.               .*.

"Why." A statement, not a question.  A demand.  I wanted to crush her for this.  It was treason.  It was inhumane.  She should have tricked someone else into doing it.  Someone less important.  Someone expendable.  She wasn't allowed to die.  She's my doctor.  Who would replace her?  There would be no way to do so.

"I had to."

"Had to?" I yelled the question at her.  I tore myself away from my daughter long enough to hunt down the woman.  "You _had_ to?  I don't recall ever telling you to _die_ , Kimiko."

"I promised, when you saved-"

"We were _children_!"  I threw my hands up and paced.  I returned to where I was, exasperated.  I was angry.  I was beyond angry, I was pissed off.  I was livid.  _Livid_.  "The promise to die was to a deranged _child_.  I am _not_ the same person I was then."

She had tears in her eyes.  She lacked her usual garb and I could see the swirl which gave away what she was.  "She only had a year left without him, Gaara.  What would you have had me do?"

A _year_?  I stared at her.  "Find another way.  You could have found another way."

She growled at me.  "You think I didn't think of that, Gaara?  Did you?  Do you know how many times I had to lay with that man in order to go through every possibility?  I tried, this was the only option that worked."

I cringed.  "You really did lay with it?"

"It?" Her finger was in my face.  "He has a name.  He isn't just some _thing_ , you know."

"You like him."

Her eyes widened, her mouth went to form words, but then fell into a thin, tight line after no sound came.  She fell into the couch behind her.  She gave a small sigh.  "He wasn't supposed to exist."

I frowned and sunk down next to her, careful to keep my distance.  "You identify."

"I wasn't supposed to exist." _Monster._   That night, so many years ago, the ones who attacked her wanted my help in ending her.  "Every day alive, is one I was never meant to have."

"You should have tried expanding this life instead of giving it away."

Her hand grabbed my arm and her eyes swirled violently.  She let go as quickly as she grabbed me.  "I do not regret it.  Your wife has a chance at a full life now, a life she wouldn't have had without this."

"I think of you as a friend." I looked away from her as I spoke the words.  I hoped she understood the weight they carried.  My wife would live beyond a year because of her, and while I was angry she would forfeit her own life, I was more grateful than any words I could say.  I hoped she knew this as well.

"I know."  She leaned back into the cushions.  "I know."

Silence stretched between us, slowly creating a void.  "How long?"

"Within three years.  I didn't intend to have even this time." She stared at the ceiling.

"What will you do with it?"

She answered me with silence.  Minutes passed in awkward silence.  I shifted and stared up at her ceiling with her.  Five minutes passed, then ten.  Fifteen minutes, then, "Live.  I think I will live."

I looked to her and said nothing.

 _Live_.  She deserved every minute.


	22. Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fully intentioned to have the naming ceremony in this chapter, but I just needed to end it where it was.  It was too important of a thing to have it disappear in a happier event.  Next chapter though!
> 
> Although, I have a feeling most of my readers are currently dealing with summer, end of school or beginning of school things since my comments and such have dropped off.  At least, this is what I am telling myself instead of falling into what I like to call 'Writers Anxiety' where we suddenly decide everything we write is garbage lol. (It's true, I'm not the only one who goes through this, it is part of the writing process hehehe)
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like the chapter, and as always, reviews/comments serve to inspire.  :D

 

 

** Gaara **

After sitting in silence with Kimiko for nearly an hour she followed me home.  We never said another word to each other.  She was going to die on me.  Sometime in the next three years.  I wanted to ask exactly when, ask her what she looked for when she grabbed me earlier.  The words wouldn't come.  She gave more than she should have.  She gave Naruto her life.  She gave me a life with Naruto.  My wife, I would be able to spend time with her, precious time.

People didn't do these sorts of things.  Not for me.  Never for me.  I wasn't sure I knew what to say, how to react, how to be thankful.  It still was an uncomfortable thought Lady Chiyo and Naruto had done the same for me.  _Naruto._   I had no idea how much life she gave away.  My eyes followed her as she entered my room, grabbed the clone and pressed her lips to his.  I tensed as I felt my anger return in full force.  Heat rose in my chest as he pulled her down to him.  Clone, not Naruto.  Do not kill Kimiko early.  I looked away and cleared my throat.  Out.  I did not want to witness this.  I heard a hitch in breath.  _Out_.  I need to...  I took a deep breath. "Out."  There, the word came out of my mouth.  I bit the inside of my cheek to keep myself from ending one of them as my internal voice screamed 'mine' from the recesses of my mind.

I didn't bother to look as I heard movement, then the closing of a door.  I crossed the room to my son who was holding onto my daughter.  I looked at them a moment, taking in the soft smile he had as he held up a small, flower rattle.  He didn't look up, he didn't even seem to notice I had returned, or the fact Kimiko had come and retrieved the odd lech who had been camping out in my room in a depression for the past two days.  He gave a small shake to the rattle, letting the soft melodic sound fill the air.  A deep warmth burst through my chest as I watched them.  My son holding onto my small daughter.  My _children_.  Plural.  More than one.  Shinki, and... Her.  I looked to Naruto with a frown.  Had she picked any names out yet?  Tomorrow.  If she didn't make a miraculous recovery in less than a day, I would be forced into naming her without any input. 

Input which mattered anyway.  I sighed and knelt down next to Shinki.  I brushed my thumb across her forehead.  "Father, do you think she inherited your kekkei genkai?  Her eyes are like yours, and with the dark rings..." He trailed off and he looked over to me, his face carefully trained of expression.

Her eyes were open, and I looked into their clear brightness.  Turquoise?  They were closer to the sky blue of my wife's eyes, than my sea foam green.  "I cannot say.  It may be possible." The thought made me sick.  I couldn't stop myself from using back when I was a child.  Back then, everyone thought my abilities came directly from Shukaku, but my ability only became more clear and stable after I lost him.  I shuddered at the memory of my first kills.  Accident.  I hadn't meant to do them, they just happened because I got upset.  Because they feared me.  Because they hated me.  I injured a girl because I wanted to play.

"Is it wrong of me to say I hope she doesn't?" Shinki's voice was soft, pained.  A shadow passed through his features and I felt a pang of regret rush through me.

Regret for not finding him before his own ability surfaced.  Before it scared him.  Before he broke some boy's arm while playing tag.  It was the event which alerted the council to his existence.  A sand user.  A boy who inherited the Kazekage clan's kekkei genkai.  It was unheard of for anyone beyond the main line to show signs of the ability, so for some unknown orphan boy to have it was a small miracle for the council.  It was my chance to keep them from continuing to keep interfering in my personal affairs.  "No more wrong than I am in hoping the same."  If she inherited my power, with the full reserve power of Kurama it would be harder for her to keep control.  "I do not want her facing my own past."

He watched me a minute, regarding what I said.  His thoughts were unreadable, and he ended his stare with a simple hum.  I removed my daughter from his arms and brought her back to her place upon my chest.  I sighed at the weight of her.  She belonged there, attached to my person, where I could protect her from everything.  "I didn't want to like her."

I stiffened and looked at him surprised.  "Why?"

He gave a small shrug and looked away from me.  "Hey, just forget I said it, alright?" He shoved himself off the chair, placed the rattle in the small bassinet near the Naruto's bed and headed to the door.

Forget it?  I felt as though I needed to say something, though I had no idea what.  Something was bothering him, I could feel it.  What this was, however, I wasn't sure I knew.  I understood why he was upset about Naruto, though he was trying to accept her presence in our life.  The baby though?  I held onto her tightly.  Fix it.  "Wait."

He paused at the door and looked back.

I stared a moment.  I was at a loss of what to say.  "Any ideas for what to name her?" I winced at my own words.  _I didn't want to like her._   What a way to try and correct it.  Remind him she was on my mind.

He opened and closed his mouth a few times, an odd expression crossed his face.  It was gone before I could try to interpret it.  He gripped the handle and broke eye contact.  Then, I noticed he was looking at my wife.  "Maybe..." He trailed off and ended with a sigh.  "Maybe give her a name in legacy?" His eyes drifted back to mine and as soon as our eyes met he turned from me.  "Aunt Temari is coming soon, I should prep her room."

I stared after him as he left my room, shutting the door behind him.  A name in legacy?  What names would those be?  There was my mother's name.  Kurura.  I looked down to her, her eyes still open, curious and bright.  I let her grasp onto one of my fingers.  "Do you like the name Kurura?" No.  It didn't feel right on my tongue.  I spent half of my life hating my mother.  I thought she hated me, hated me for killing her, hated me for existing.  It was overwhelming for me to think otherwise.  The cold truth she was the one protecting me, her will for me to be safe keeping me from being killed until I had enough strength to defend myself.

Yet.

It felt wrong.  The name was weighty on my tongue and I felt it simply did not suit the small being in my arms.  No, this name was wrong.  I moved and sat next to Naruto's bed.  "What should we name her, Naruto?  Why couldn't we talk about this before she was born?" I whispered the words, knowing it did nothing more than fill the silence, distracted from the beeping of the monitor which constantly reminded me of the fact she survived.  _She survived_.  Because of Mika, she would have the ability to see her own daughter.

Because of Kimiko, she would have the ability to see her grow up.  My eyes widened.  Kimiko.  She was still here, but as my daughter grew older, my precious friend would fade away, allowing my wife to continue on in her place.

Sacrifice.  She deserved a legacy.  Something she could leave behind in honor for what she has done for me, for my wife, for my family.  I wiggled my finger in my daughters soft grip.  Was this the name Shinki thought of while looking to Naruto when he suggested a legacy?  "What do you think, little one?  Shall you be my little Kimi?" I shortened the name.  It felt natural, right.  I smiled down at her.  My Kimi, my sweet, tiny Kimiko.  I gave a short laugh.  I hoped Naruto would be alright with the name. 

It suited her.

.*.               .*.               .*.

I didn't bother looking up when I heard my door open.  I just sat next to my wife, grinning at my daughter.  Kimi.  Kimiko.  Tiny little Kimiko, the daughter of the Fifth Kazekage and his legal, recognized wife,the Lady Kisarei of the Kazekage clan.  Little sister to Shinki, the future Sixth Kazekage.  She is the niece of Kankuro, the eldest son of the Fourth Kazekage and-

"Why are you smiling like that?  It's creepy, on you anyway."

The voice snapped me out of my mental recital of the naming ceremony and I looked up to the culprit.  "Temari, you arrived." I groaned inwardly at my statement.  Of course she arrived.  She was due hours ago, but I had been sitting here memorizing my daughter's name.  Associating it with her.  Placing her within the firm spot as my daughter.  My own child.  My spawn.  My cultivated offspring.  Mine.  Tomorrow, the world would know this.  Tomorrow, the world would know her name.  They would know she is my daughter.  _My daughter._   Five days since her birth and I still wasn't entirely accustomed to the idea of having a child of my own.  With my blood flowing through it's veins.  Kimiko, daughter of Gaara, Fifth Kazekage.  I felt my smile widen again.

"And... There it is again.  You know, I haven't seen you smile that wide since you stopped killing half of Suna."  Her words made my smile falter.  She knelt down next to me and held out her arms.  "Let me hold her."

I stared at her.  She just got here.  From Konoha, after days of travelling.  I imagined dirt, grime and germs festering upon her skin, ready to infect my precious Kimi.  Kimiko.  _Daughter of Gaara, Fifth Kazekage_.  I felt my lips twitch up again.  I bit my cheek to try and keep them under control.  "She's mine."

For a moment she looked taken aback.  "Just let me hold her, it's fine." She reached for her.

I blocked her movement with sand and placed a protective shell around her.  "No, I made her, she is mine."

"You..." She trailed off before her face twisted into an odd grin.  She scoffed, "Right, you made her.  Fine, at least let me look at her then?  I've had to deal with the Nara sloth attitude for the past few days, I am ready for something cute to distract myself with."

I frowned at her, but complied.  It took effort, but I lowered the sand shield and shifted Kimi in my arms.  _Kimi_.  I bit my cheek as I lowered her down from my chest and let her rest on her back in the crook of my arm.  I held my finger to her hand and felt the warmth in my chest spread again as her tiny fingers grasped on, even in her sleep.

There was a quick gasp.  "Gaara, she looks just like you."  She went to touch and I blocked her hand from touching.

" _Dirty_." I gave emphasis to the word and glared at her.  I meant it.  I could just feel the grime flowing on her skin.  I would not allow my own sister to contaminate my child.  _Kimiko, daughter of the Fifth Kazekage._   My daughter, my rules.

She groaned.  "Fine, I'll take a shower." Her eyes drifted over to my wife.  "Any signs of her waking up?"

I studied Temari for a little while.  What all had I written in the letter I sent her?  Had I mentioned Naruto's coma?  Wait, she mentioned dealing with Nara... Who all came with her?  "Not yet.  Who is with you?"

She frowned at me.  "You wanted me to bring Shikamaru and Shikadai.  Don't you remember?"

I stared at her, refusing to answer her question.  I didn't remember any of the letters I sent out.  Apparently, I was able to run on autopilot and somehow managed to write and send out, hopefully, cohesive statements about my wife.  Wife, Naruto is my wife.  I hope I didn't write this name down and I wrote down her legal Suna name.  Kisarei.  Kisarei, mother of Kimiko, daughter of the Fifth Kazekage.

"Will you stop that?"

There is something wrong with me.  I bit the inside of my cheek until the metallic taste of blood filled my mouth.  Stop smiling.  I needed to stop smiling.  People would think there was something wrong with me or worse - think I lost what little I have of my sanity and assume I was going to kill something.  Though, this might not be far from the truth sometimes, I hid it well.  Mostly.  For those who didn't know me well.  It hadn't been long since I nearly slaughtered the prisoner beneath the Kazekage tower.  I probably should have, since he was the one who went missing after the massive attack on my precious wife.  Had they succeeded, I would have destroyed everything.  I would have ended Suna then everything living I came across.  An agent of death.

"Gaara?" I heard her shift.

"Kimiko."

The movement stopped.  "You need your doctor?"

I brought my eyes up to meet hers.  "My daughter, it is what I am naming her."

A frown formed on Temari's lips.  "Why would-"

"Legacy." I didn't want to explain.  Kimiko saved Naruto twice.  If it weren't for her, my daughter would have died during the attack, Naruto would have been killed.  Then, with the last thing...

Her frown didn't go away, but she gave a nod.  "I will ask later.  I will be staying a few months with Shikadai, so be warned.  I won't have you alone during this."

I looked back to Naruto.  "I am not alone."

She merely hummed.  I heard movement, then the door.  It quietly latched and I looked up.  Not alone.  I am not alone.  I had Kimi.  I had Naruto.

I would never be alone again.

.*.               .*.               .*.

 

I managed to force myself down to the kitchen, making sure Naruto's nurse accompanied her in the room while I did.  If my wife woke, I wanted to be the first to know.  I wanted to be the one to tell her what happened.  I wanted to be there for her while she dealt with the overwhelming loss of Kurama.  It would be different with her.  She had a bond with the creature.  I hated mine beyond the fact the creature was the only reason I had a bond with Naruto. 

The only reason we started this bond.  There came to be more to it then just our demons, proven over time.  Proven more with this wish, with this tiny being, with her as my wife.  He to she, and now _mine_.  My thoughts were a jumble as I sat at the kitchen table, surrounded by my family.  I watched them silently as they interacted and rubbed small circles on little Kimi's back.  The two Naras who accompanied my sister to my home would send an occasional curious look her way.  I was thankful they kept their distance beyond this.  They barely spoke a word to me beyond a simple greeting when I came down to join them.  I would express my gratitude for this small reprieve when I was able to speak again.  It seemed to come and go, and at the moment, it was gone.  My voice, I left it upstairs with Naruto.

My brother in law looked as though he wanted nothing more than to go lay down somewhere, the look of boredom on his face was etched deep into his face.  His eyes drooped lightly at the edges, a frown which wasn't necessarily a frown.  I had never seen anyone pull off such a look of severe boredom better than the Naras.  I watched my sister's son.  Shikadai.  He held a similar look of boredom.  He looked just like his father, beyond his eyes.  I wondered if Kankuro ever managed to have a child, if they too would look like him.  So far, the children of the Kazekage clan took after their fathers.

Father.  Me, I am a father.  I shifted Kimiko down to get a better look at her.  I would never tire of this tiny thing.  I cradled her into my lap and she woke with a slight fuss.  I rubbed my thumb softly on her forehead and her tiny wiggling limbs calmed.  I needed something.  If she woke here, I had nothing to distract her. 

Rattle.  It would be simple enough to get, wouldn't it?  I still had more than enough sand in my room to crush a person and remove their life fluids of their still living bodies, so I would have more than enough in place to grab the rattle Shinki made.  I raised my arm above my head.  I felt out, ignoring the stares and random questions sent my way.  I needed to concentrate.  I wanted the rattle, but I didn't want to push it directly through the floors of every floor in order to have it.  It would be easier though.  I could repair it later.  It wouldn't damage the structure, would it?

No, I would drag it through the maze which was my multistory house.  I felt for my sand, and found it.  Then I felt around for the rattle.  I frowned.  I couldn't find it.  I lowered my arm, closed my eye and pressed my fingers over it.  I would need to see.  Bit by bit my room came into focus.  I concentrated on it, the things within my room, the moving objects which were actually people.  Naruto, still in bed.  The nurse, falling back, a look of fear on her face.  Then, there, on my desk.  I gathered the small rattle up in my sand and began to drag it out of my room and down the stairs.  I followed behind it with my third eye, making sure I accurately navigated the stairwells without harming the small toy.  I moved it carefully down the stairs, through the connecting halls then down into the kitchen, where dark metallic sand wrapped around it and it was stolen.  I gave a small glare to the perpetrator who blatantly ignored my irritation.

Shinki gave a sly, triumphant smile and the toy floated over towards him and landed smooth within his palm.  He moved to the seat next to me and gave it a soft shake. 

The melodic tune made Kimi stir in my arms and she opened her innocent, clear eyes and half focused on the thing in front of her face making the sound.  She gave a small noise and her arms aimlessly moved, grabbing onto thin air.

"Hey, her eyes are kinda like mine." Shikadai stood up and leaned over the table to get a better look at her.  "Everything else though, is pretty much Uncle Gaara, don't you think Dad?"

Shikamaru didn't seem to listen, still looking more than bored.  Though... Was he watching me?  Now I think about it, his eyes have barely left my general direction since I came down.  I met his eyes, and the bored look cleared into a more pointed look.  "Shikamaru, perhaps you would like to come see my wife?"

His eyes widened slightly, then gave a single nod.  He stood silently from the table and I did the same. 

"Father, can I-"

"No."  I stressed the word.  Today was a fluke.  I needed to see Kimiko and I didn't want to upset my daughter in case something... Happened.  Such as yelling, or fighting, or murder.  Any or all the above.  Though, it was only a little yelling which occurred so I probably could have brought her with me, but then I wouldn't have come home to my son with the look on his face which only made me think about family.  It was disconcerting, the thoughts of family, but I found I welcomed them.  Family.  It was something I would never have thought possible.  Something I would have vehemently stayed away from before Naruto. 

My legs felt like lead as I traversed the many steps of my home.  Every step closer to Naruto, was a step closer to bringing an old connection of my wife's past life to her.  She may not have been awake, but I couldn't shake the possessive feeling in my chest which was beginning to form.  Naruto is mine.  Kisarei is mine.  They wouldn't be able to change their minds about her, could they?  No, I wouldn't allow it.  There would be war before something would take her from me.  I bit the inside of my cheek in hopes my thought was not an obvious one.  Do not show weakness.  Do not allow the Nara into my thoughts.  He already stole my sister from me, so was having Naruto such a bad trade?  Once she woke, I could create a dynasty.  A dynasty of many tiny Kimis.  A tickling flutter erupted in my stomach as I pictured Suna overrun by mini versions of myself and my wife.  I reached the top of the stairs to the small landing outside of my room and turned to my brother in law. 

His eyes widened at me slightly and a frown played upon his lips.

"What?"

"You never smile, it's a little disconcerting.  Not like that anyway."

I stared and brought my free hand to my mouth.  There, under my fingers was one of the largest smiles I remember ever having.  I was doing it again.  The betrayal I felt from my body overrode the ticklish feeling in my stomach and I covered my mouth with my hand.  I tilted my head towards my room and opened it with sand since my hands were otherwise occupied.

"You know, you are allowed to be happy every once in a while.  I was not complaining, it is just, odd, coming from you." He moved through the door when I stood back.

I followed him in and heard a gasp.  "Naruto..." His whisper trailed off and he went to her.  He sunk into the chair next to her bed.  He fell silent, his eyes fixated on her.  The nurse who I left stationed in the room quickly took her leave and I was thankful I did not have to ask for it.

I created a chair next to him and sat down.  I removed my hand from my mouth and grasped onto my Naruto's hand.  Soft, warm, far too still.  Alive.  I could handle still, as long as the word alive was within the realm of description.  "She made it through this." It sounded stupid, but I didn't know what else to say.

"She," he choked the word out, "is in a coma." His voice was low and he looked to me.

I hummed, deciding not to point out his discomfort with the sex of my wife.  "She shouldn't have."  I shifted my little Kimi back into my lap and studied her.  She was perfect.  Beautiful. I looked up to Shikamaru.  Did he think like this when Shikadai was born?

He looked tense while he studied me.  When I thought he wouldn't comment, he spoke.  "I think I have come to know you well enough to know the comment is not directed towards having her in your life.  Something happened."

I kept myself still.  "It was dangerous for Naruto to give birth.  It was why I asked for the extra help."

"No, this is beyond that, Gaara.  Something happened where you find it hard to believe she made it through, otherwise you wouldn't have said it."

I removed my hand from Naruto's.  I took a deep breath.  I didn't want to say it.  He saw through me, my comments.  Over the years he became good at reading me, sometimes better than my own siblings.  I avoided the man because of it.  "My wife gained something in common with me upon the day our daughter was born."

His face twisted at my answer.  "Can't you ever just say what you mean?" He looked to Naruto.  Then he stood so fast his chair fell over behind him.  He jerked his head to me.

I followed him with my eyes, knowing he was smart enough to piece together the situation without any additional words on my end.  A benefit of speaking to one of the most brilliant minds I've ever come across.

"Kurama." His tone was accusatory, loud.  "What happened to the demon fox?"

I frowned, a sinking started to form in my chest.  Heavy.  Dread.  I didn't answer him.  It was something else I didn't want to acknowledge.  I looked down to my daughter.  My mouth was dry.  My heart began to race.  Kimi is the jinchuuriki for the nine tailed fox, Kurama.  My breath hitched.  I felt myself begin to shake.  Why was this happening so much lately?  They hadn't come so frequently in years, not until I slept.  I moved my daughter from me to Shikamaru.

"Wait, why-" He grabbed hold of her, a bit rough for my tastes, but it was better than me either dropping her or crushing her.

The sand beneath me collapsed to the ground and I fell with it.  I did nothing to catch myself, the jolt of pain which shot up my back at the impact almost welcome.  It sobered me only for a moment before a deeper wave of emotion bombarded my mind and body.  I grabbed at my hair and twisted on the ground.  Sound.  I heard sound, but none of it penetrated.  I whimpered and dug my fingers deeper into my hair.  I curled my legs up to my chest.  I can't. 

I can't deal with this.

My breath stopped coming.  I can't breathe.  How do I breathe?  My heart raced faster.  Breathe.  Can't...

How...

My hands tore into my neck.  _Pressure_.  Something was choking me.  I needed to relieve the pressure.  I heard the crack of sand as my hands pulled it away from me.  I forced myself to endure the sharp pain as my nails dug directly into the flesh beneath. 

Can't breathe.

 _Can't_ -

My hands were pulled away from my throat and a sharp pain shot through my cheek as something blunt connected with the sand.  The shock of the impact forced air into my lungs and I used the opportunity to gulp in more of the needed substance.  I felt myself lifted, hands on my shoulders.  Soon, something came into focus.  Something dark, a stick, inches away from my face.  Why was there a stick in front of my face?

I went to batt it away from me, but my arms felt too heavy.

"Focus, damn it.  Look at the damn stick." Voice.  Who's voice?

My left shoulder was jerked and I blinked.  Something was being pressed to my neck.

"Focus, Gaara.  Come on."  The voice pitched.

Focus?  I blinked and looked at the stick.

Focus.  I stared at the stick.  _Breathe_.  I could _breathe_.  I gave a shudder as my breath began to slow and even out.

 _Numb._   I felt numb.

I felt tired.  More words sounded, but I couldn't hear what the words formed.  It was nothing more than sound.

Tired.  So tired...

I let my eyes droop down.  I felt the sand stir around me, beginning to sway and swirl. 

The sand, it is comforting.

Like a loose, protective blanket.

I grabbed onto the form in front of me, locking it into place so as not to disturb the barrier.

I was too tired to care what the thing thought.

I was too tired to care about anything

It was overwhelming.

After a brief yell of the thing I trapped, it settled back down and I allowed what I needed to come.

I let out a long breath and succumbed to my rest state.


	23. Naming Ceremony

 

 

#  ** Gaara **

I'm uncomfortable and my back is stiff.  Am I on the floor?  My body feels sore, as though I've been in a fight.  Have I been?  My neck's throbbing... There's also a weight on my chest.  A heavy one.  A breathing one.  Wait... A breathing one?  I forced my eyes to open.  I looked down to a mass of blonde hair.  Long blonde hair done up in four distinct ponytails.  I groaned and pushed her off of me, ignoring the guttural grunt she gave when she came into contact with the floor.

"The hell?"

I glared at her.  "You were sleeping on me."

She scrambled up to her feet and dusted herself off, giving me a glare of her own.  "And what exactly did you expect me to do when you trapped me inside your sand?"

I kept my gaze even as I stared at her.  Then, my eyes widened as the beeping of my wife's monitor penetrated my foggy mind.  Wife.  Baby.  Where is my Kimi?  I pushed myself up with my sand and looked inside of the bassinet.  Empty.  I frowned at it.  Why was it empty?  I looked around the room, but the only things in sights were my furniture and my very unconscious wife.  I narrowed my eyes at Temari.  "Where is she?"

She held up her hands.  "I've been here with you."

I growled at her.  I took a step forward.

"Hey wait, Gaara, I'm sure everything is fine.  I think Shikamaru had her when I came up here."

 _Shikamaru_.  I turned from my sister and headed out of my room and down the stairs.  I slammed every door open as I passed it.  Where was that bastard who took my baby?  Temari followed me at a slight distance as I continued to open the doors.  Not long after, Kankuro started following me leaving a stream of expletives.  Something about waking him up at such and ungodly hour.  I think.  I didn't care.  More doors, still no sign of my sister's traitorous husband or my daughter.  I reached Shinki's room.  This one I knocked on in spite of my urgent need to find her.  "Shinki, open the door." My voice was stern, maybe a little loud.

The door soon opened to reveal my son who was looking sleep deprived. He held his finger to his mouth.  "She finally fell asleep.  She hasn't stopped crying since you locked yourself up."

I pushed past him and found my precious little one on his bed.  I let out a shaky breath and scooped her up into my arms.  I kissed her tiny forehead and counted all of her small fingers and toes.  In one piece, safe.  Now, back where she belonged.  With me.

"Now will you take her with you so I can actually get a little bit of sleep?  Not everyone can stay up all-" He stopped mid sentence and I looked to my son with a frown.  His face screwed a little and he gained a slight wrinkle between his brows.  "You are bleeding."

Bleeding?  I turned my head to Temari and winced.  Pain erupted from my neck and I brought my hand up to it.  Wet.  I pulled it back to look at it. Red.  Wet red.  This was... This was my blood?  I stared at it a moment.  It didn't happen often.  Me, bleeding.  "Temari?" My voice pitched to reveal the rising panic which began to form at the sight of it.

"Shit." She said it under her breath and she rushed to me.  She pressed something against my neck.  "It opened back up."

I let her do what she needed, ignoring my need to move away from the prying hands.  I looked away from my son who was looking at me.  He wore an expression he usually did not carry.  His brows were drawn in, a light, open mouthed frown as he bounced a little to see what Temari was doing to me.

Worry.

I didn't like seeing it, not on him.  Not towards me.  I stared instead at the wall, where Shinki hung the original laws of Suna.  The ones which were in place long before we took over the village.  The ones which were promised to be upheld in spite of the takeover.  This happened generations ago, but it is always the one constant within Suna.  The old ways held more power than anything else here.  Learn this one rule, the people would follow.  No matter who their ruler was.  No matter if their ruler had once threatened complete decimation upon their village.  No matter if their leader actively murdered thousands of their own before rising to power.

I swallowed the acid rising in my throat as blood filled memories filled my mind.  I should never have been allowed to become what I am.  I should never had support.  I should never have been welcomed back from the dead.  Yet...

"Hold still while I stop the bleeding."

 _Bleeding_.  What caused it?  "Why am I bleeding?"

There was a hesitation in the hands which lay upon my neck, pressing into my skin.  Fingers came to my chin and forced me to look at my sister.  "You don't remember?"  She studied me.  Remember?  Remember what?  There was a small frown there, not a very noticeable one but it was steady on her lips.

"Temari?" My voice was rough, but I wanted to know.  What wasn't I remembering?

"Quiet." She whispered it and the pressure on my neck increased.  She let go of my chin and I noticed my son. 

"Can I do anything to help?  What happened anyway?"

"Shut up, Shinki."  More pressure.

I gave a groan, this time the pressure began to make my throat hurt.  A deep throb settled into it and more people started to arrive and gawk at my predicament.

"What is all this commotion about?"

"Uncle Gaara?  How troublesome."

Temari gave a deep groan and looked up to the surrounding crowd of family.  "Out.  Everyone out."

"But-"

"I _just_ got here."

"It's my room!"

Temari grabbed my hand, pressed it up to the cloth pressed into my neck and turned on them.  "I don't care, out, everyone the hell out."  She grabbed both my son and Shikadai and shoved them out of the room, then turned on the other two men.  "I won't be so easy on you two, now _git_."

Kankuro raised his hands up in defeat and Shikamaru muttered something about the fact he should have stayed in bed.  Once she slammed the door behind them she moved me to Shinki's bed, careful not to disturb the little one.  "Hold this, I need to go get the medical supplies.  Don't move."

I stared after her while she left the room, and continued to watch the door.  Kimi began to stir, small hiccuping sounds leaving her tiny mouth.  I wanted to comfort her, rub her small back.  I couldn't.  My hand was glued to my neck so I wouldn't bleed out.  How bad was it?  What attacked me?  Why was everyone so calm about it besides my son?

Why did my son have Kimi?

Why didn't I stop him for taking her?

The more I thought about it, the more confused I became.  I tried to remember what happened.  I tried to piece together the fragments.  I came to with Temari sound asleep on my chest.  I must have fallen into my rest state then.  What led to it though?  I frowned as I felt a tightening of my chest, my breath hitched as I tried to remember, yet no real memory came. 

Kimiko's hiccups turned into an outright cry, her tiny limbs began to move against me.  I stiffened and I glared further into the door.  "Temari..." I winced at the single word and felt more wet against my hand.  What exactly happened?  I pressed the cloth deeper to my neck to stop the bleeding.  Why would I be without my shield?  Why would I have allowed something close enough to my neck to make such an obvious cut to it?

The door swung open.  "Alright, I have med kit.  You need to give me the baby for a few minutes."

I winced as I went to protest.  Instead, I settled on a glare.

 She sighed.  "Baby.  Hand her over." She grabbed her and I was forced to let my grip loosen so as not to hurt her.  She walked to the door with the crying bundle of limbs and handed her off to my son.  I glared in his direction and he quickly disappeared from view.  Temari shut the door behind him and returned to me.   She gently pushed on my shoulder.  "Lay back."

I did as she asked.  The sooner she bandaged me, the sooner I would have my daughter back.  The sooner I could take her up to her mother so she could eat.  Or maybe change her diaper.  Figure out how to get her to calm down.

The cloth was removed from my neck and a strong, cold painful stinging sensation replaced the pressure.  I hissed at it and her hand pressed to my mouth for a second.  We locked eyes, then she returned to working on my neck.  "You moved too much, opened the wounds back up after you came to."

"Wou-" Her hand returned to my mouth.  I glared at her and was tempted to bite it.

"Quiet.  All you're doing is making it worse.  I will explain."  She removed her hand.  She started to wipe at my neck, cleaning it.  "You had an episode last night.  Like the ones you used to get just after you died.  Then, after Naruto nearly was blown up."

I gasped, then winced.  Temari shot me a look, but said nothing.  The gasp was unintentional.  Panic attack.  The reason why I had focal points everywhere in my house and offices.

"You did this yourself.  Shikamaru came to get me, holding Kimi and I knew there had to be something wrong.  When I got up there you were on the floor gasping for breath and tearing at your own throat.  I... I haven't seen  you have one like this in... I haven't..." She trailed off, a pained expression on her face.

I looked away from her and let her continue to patch me up in silence.  _I'm sorry._   She bore the brunt of my episodes.  It was always her who dragged me out of my own personal hell.  I thought once before I was over them, then, Naruto nearly gotten himself killed up on the moon.  It was everything I could do to keep calm in my request to lengthen the amount of time for him to escape.

Had they denied my request, I may have done something stupid, but they agreed.  Just enough time for him to make it.  Just enough time for him to return.

Just enough time for him to fall in love with Hinata. 

How had we come to this?  How did Naruto end up becoming a woman, my wife, the mother of my daughter?  It has been less than a year since everything began, yet it felt as though it were a life time.  It was hard to picture Naruto as she used to be now.  Which I knew was odd.  Everything was still so fragile, new.  What if Naruto woke and regretted everything?  What if she changed her mind?  What if she wanted to go home to Hinata, to her other children?

Would I stop her?  Would I force her to stay with me, even if it made her unhappy?  I know she said she loved me, but she was ill, still pregnant.  Now she was no longer carrying little Kimi, would she feel the same?  How would she deal with the loss of Kurama?  How would she deal with the fact our daughter now carried the same stigma we both had to face as children?  Could we make her life better?

Worry.

This is what was wrong with me.  I was keeping myself from thinking about the negative things.  Letting the fact she lived through the birth keep me going.  I hadn't reacted, never allowed myself to accept it.  Her.  The baby.  The marriage.

Everything was too much, too much to handle, too much to think about, too much to deal with.  Everything happened too quickly.  This year had me dealing with more than anything I had ever had to in such a short time frame.  It started with the moment, in the cave.  First, with me feeling so guilty about what I had done, then the pure ecstasy which followed as I had no other word for what happened.  The moment which Kimi was conceived.

The downward spiral which came in the following months starting with me falling asleep and the return of the panic attacks.  The thought Naruto had died.  Her regression to childhood, coping with what happened to her.  Finding out she was pregnant with our daughter.  Forcing a marriage she should have had a say in.  The months long time loop I endured in order to save both Kimi and my wife.  Trying to figure out a way to save her from death during the time she gave birth, and now with her being in coma once more.  The idea of what is to come.  The possibilities both good and bad.  The naming ceremony for our daughter which would alert all of Suna to the fact I was married.  That I had a new blood relative.  That I could possibly have more.

The knowledge this would create a village wide celebration.  The Kazekage had a child. 

The new princess of Suna. 

Bandages were taped to my neck, and then Temari lifted me up, my muscles no longer wanting to work.  "They will celebrate her."

She frowned at me.  "Gaara."  She sat down next to me on Shinki's bed.  "She is the first blood born child of the Kazekage.  It's tradition."

I narrowed my eyes.  They did not celebrate when I adopted Shinki.

"Shinki?"

I attempted to nod, but winced as a pain shot through my neck.

"Don't move your neck, or talk until you at least scab over."

I sighed, but I made no other sound or movement.

"They did not celebrate you either, and _you_ have become the best Kazekage Suna has seen since this became a ninja village."

I frowned at her.  I wanted to respond, but even if I could speak, I wouldn't know what to say.  She brushed the hair from my eyes. 

"You haven't done your hair in a while.  Would you like me to get you ready?"

Ready.  Ready to be seen in public with bandages on my neck.  I looked away from Temari as she left once more.  She returned a few minutes later with a comb and my pomade.  She sat behind me.  "Wash it."

I did as she asked, gathering my sand around my head and removing any dirt within it with my sand.  It took a few minutes, but my head felt a little tingly by the time I was done.  I let the grains fall underneath the hair, adhering it to my scalp.  When the sand settled hands entwined into my hair, tugging at it lightly as she worked the substance into my hair.  She shifted, and soon I felt the edges of the comb gently moving upon my skin.  I closed my eyes at the sensation.  Letting it calm me.  Letting the feel of it calm my mind.  It was Temari who first did this, the one who talked me into changing my hair.  It was the feel of the comb which made me stick with it.  I breathed in through my nose, ignoring the shift in the bed.  There was a gentle scrape to my head just above my scar.  It started at my forehead and slowly made it's way backward.  There was a light pull, then the blades of the comb began to massage it's way through my hair.  I hummed at the soothing sensation.  I missed this.

It didn't take her long to finish.  I didn't open my eyes, letting the calm of the action sit.  I jerked a little as heat erupted into my scar, a hand came to my cheek.  I opened my eyes and frowned at Temari.  "I'm sorry Gaara.  For leaving.  I only want what is best for you, yet I allowed myself to fall in love with someone from another village.  Someone they couldn't spare, and I left you.  I'm sorry."  Her hand fell away from my face.  She looked tired.  Worn down.  Worried?  I wasn't certain.  "You also attempted marriage to save my son from being named the heir.  You adopted Shinki to save him from it.  I'm not sure I ever thanked you for it."

Why was she doing this?  Why was she doing this now?  I went to respond, to spite my self imposed injury and her fingers pressed into my lips.

"I am going to stay here a while.  Stay with you until she wakes up and gets settled in.  I want to help.  Shikadai will stay too, but Shikamaru will have to head back in a couple of days.  There is some things which needs to be discussed with the elder council."

She was going to stay?  My eyes widened.  I would have... She would be... I grabbed her hand and moved it away from my mouth.  "Why?" The word made my eyes water, though I wasn't sure if it were from the pain, or the emotion which lay behind it.

"You're my baby brother, Gaara.  Let me do this, I want to."  My mouth went dry with her familiar words.

I stared at her.  She gave a soft smile.  I searched her face for some sign of irritation.  Some sign she was forced to do this for me.  The look she gave reminded me of then.  Back when our father died.  Back when she insisted I come live here with her and Kankuro.  She held the same look.  She gave the same reason.  It was an odd and uncomfortable reason, but one she proved over the years which followed the invitation.

_"Gaara, I know we have had our differences, but..."  She trailed off.  She took a deep breath and steadied her gaze.  "I want you to come home.  Home with us.  Live there, let us be what you need."_

_I stared at her.  I felt hollow.  The look the boy had still played within my mind.  I had nothing left in me.  I would die.  The panic I felt as he inched closer.  Was there really more to life than bringing death to those who were not myself?  Could I find this light?  Could I be like him?  "Why?" I searched her for any signs of contempt.  Was she lying?  If I accepted her offer, would she laugh in my face and claim my weakness?  I hadn't fully regained my strength since my fight, I wasn't sure I could kill her for such an indignation at this point.  Yet, they saved me.  They protected me while I could not.  They hadn't let anyone near me while I was recovering._

_She merely smiled.  It was a soft, warm yet forlorn smile.  "Because, Gaara.  You are my baby brother.  Let us do this.  We want to."_

_I frowned at her.  Could I live with them?  Would they regret my presence?  This wasn't some kind of trap was it?  I bit the inside of my cheek and looked away from her, crossing my arms.  "Fine."_

_She gave a quick short laugh and I sent her a glare.  "No, I'm happy, that's all.  Should we go get some of your things?"_

_I widened my eyes.  "No."  I stressed the word.  If they went to get my things, they would see.  The horrors I have committed.  Horrors I did not regret, horrors I did not want them to know of.  Blood, bones and... "It is better I start fresh." I walked past her as we entered the village, heading towards the center.  "If you do not change your mind." I spoke it over my shoulder, not caring what she thought of the comment._

It took me months if not years to come to terms with the fact they wanted me there.  I had my moments where I thought otherwise, but then they would surprise me.  We grew close, but I still hid my darkest secrets from them.  Then, after I died...

I grabbed hold of her hand and squeezed it.

"Gaara?"

I couldn't bring myself to look at her.  I couldn't bring myself to say anything. 

There were no words in existence which could express my gratitude for everything she's done for me.

So I gave another squeeze to her hand and brought my other one up to hold it as well.

Know what I want to say.

"Gaara..." She whispered my name, her voice trailing off.

I love you, Temari.

Thank you.

.*.               .*.               .*.

The next few hours flowed by in a whirlwind.  I went into the baby's routine.  Feed, sleep, change diaper.  Feed again.  Get ready.  Get dressed.  It was all made harder by my inability to speak without either bleeding or being shocked with pain.  Of all the times to have a meltdown, why did it have to be on the night before my daughter's naming ceremony?

"Make sure you put on your Kazekage robes.  They will expect to see you in complete and formal garb today."

I shifted my eyes to her.  I went to tilt my head, winced and straightened myself back out.  Annoying.  I had never tried to rip my own throat out before.  How was I going to present Kimi's name if I could not move my head or speak?

"Hey, you think I look alright, him too?" Kankuro pulled Shinki over in front of me.  They were both dressed in slightly formal traditional clothes.  Black, loose clothing, tied with a simple rope around their waists. They both had the traditional ceremonial makeup applied to their faces.  Lines above and below their eyes, a single line up to their foreheads from the edge of the inner eye.

I shifted my eyes to Temari who was smiling at them.  "It's perfect!" She wore a full Suna dress herself, her eyes lightly outlined in the purple paint and her lips a deep red.  The royal makeup.  

I picked up Kimi. It was almost time.  I frowned.  I wasn't sure I was ready.  Ready to announce her to my people.  Share her with the world.  I felt a weight on my shoulder.  "Hey, take it easy.  You should have been around when all your damn spies kept showing up in my windows before and after my son was born."

I stiffened and winced when I went to look at Shikamaru.  He knew?

He gave a stiff laugh and came into my view.  "I know she's important to you, but you could have just been honest about it."

I pressed my hand to my bandages.  "Mother died having me." I didn't want to say more.  Just the one sentence hurt. Hurt more than the physical pain.  I didn't want Temari to have children.  Not naturally.  It petrified me.  What if I lost her the same way we lost our own mother?  Yet, she managed fine.  Shikadai was beautiful, had her eyes.  I managed to get him to like me when he was little.  Then, as he grew older he avoided me.

I wonder if he figured out the things I had done.  He is as much a genius as his father.

"This can't be worse than the anxiety they caused me, so it should be fine." He turned and walked over to Temari who in turn came over to me.

She leaned over and kissed my cheek.  "I can speak for you.  I might not belong to Suna any longer, but I am still the first born child of the fourth Kazekage.  They will not argue with this."

I gave a slight hum, ignoring the pain it caused.

"Where is that lazy son of yours, Shikamaru?"

He gave a shrug and she huffed up the stairs.  Only a minute later he returned and tossed him into the kitchen.  "Found him."

"Dad!"  He scrambled to his feet, gave an irritated look to his father then sat down, slumped into a chair.  "Whatever."

"Cheer up, cousin.  It is my sister's naming ceremony, are you not excited?" Shinki tilted his head, expressionless to his cousin.

He scoffed.  "It's all troublesome.  Too much commotion, and I know I'm stuck here with you guys a while, so why should I be."

Shinki straightened up then moved smoothly over to the other boy and he grabbed him by the front of his shirt.  "This is my sister's naming ceremony.  You are coming, and you will enjoy it." His eyes narrowed.

I stared as they continued to talk.  Kankuro stood behind me.  "Hey, the kid's gotten attached pretty quick, huh?"

Temari elbowed her husband and he gave a sigh.  He walked over and bumped the top of his son's head with the back of his hand.  "Play a game of Shogi when it's done?"

The boy winced and rubbed his head in spite of the fact he was barely touched.  "Sounds fine."

Shikamaru looked back to Temari and gave her a small smile.  She responded with an incredulous look.  "Why do I bother?"

I twitched my lip upward. 

Family.

This, this is my family.  I felt a small pang in my heart and I frowned.  Most of it.  I turned from them and headed upstairs with the baby.  I still needed to dress her for the ceremony, and I wanted to check one last time.  Naruto.  Kisarei.

She would not be there.  It was a long walk to my room.  My hand hesitated over the door a moment before I took a deep breath and opened it.  I stepped inside and gave a blank look to the nurse.

She took a bow to me.  "Lord Kazekage.  Would you like a moment alone?"

I'm sure I didn't stop the surprise in time from showing on my face.  I pressed my hand to my neck to ease the pain of the cuts while I spoke.  "Yes." It came out deeper than normal, gritty.

She gave a nod.  "Yes my lord."  She gave another curt bow and exited through the door, closing it softly behind her.

I would have to make a point to remember the girl's name.  I stopped trying to remember after she untied Naruto before she learned she shouldn't be making clones.  Ever since, however, she excelled at her duties.  Kept quiet.  Did everything asked of her.  Successfully guessed at things I desired her to do.  Perhaps I would have a talk with her.  Once I could talk again.  I walked over and peeked into the bassinet.  I let my hand hover over the precious little life inside.  Kimi...  I grabbed hold of the bassinet.  I didn't deserve her.  I could no longer imagine my life without her.  Or her mother.

The thought brought my attention to the woman in my bed.  My feet drug beneath me.  Naruto...  I cleared my throat which caused me to give a slight jump at the shock of pain it brought.  I reached the bed and climbed in next to her, letting the blanket be a barrier between us.  I used my sand as a barrier between my head and the pillow so as not to soil the pillow with the pomade Temari had put into my hair not long ago.  It felt odd, yet somehow satisfying to have it back in my hair, taming the unruly mess into something presentable and royal.  Revive the traditions, uphold the old laws.  Present myself in the way they would expect.  I grabbed hold of Naruto's arm.  I brought it up and over, forcing her gently onto her side as I did, thankful the only thing she was connected to was the monitor.  I placed her arm on my waist, then I wrapped my arm around her.  I held her close to me, pressing my forehead to hers.  The only movement she gave was the kind associated with breathing.

A breath in, a breath out.  The gentle beep of the monitor to reassure she was alive.  I moved so my mouth was next to her ear.  "My Kisarei, I will make sure you can see this.  I promise you."  The further I spoke, the more ragged and pained my voice became.  I needed to say it though. 

I just needed to.  Even though she may not hear me.  Even though she was unresponsive.  Even though she was in a coma.  Even though... I gently pressed my lips to hers.  _Come back to me._ I removed my lips from her unmoving ones.  It wasn't the same as before, but it was needed.  I used my sand to once again untangle her from my body.  I stood, smoothed the blankets and studied her.  I brought my hand to her hair and brushed aside some strands which strayed onto her forehead.  I wish she could be there.  Experience this first thing with me, for our daughter.  I gave a soft sigh and forced myself away from her.  I had hoped she would wake in time, but it turned out to be a false hope.  I leaned into the bassinet and carefully picked up my baby girl.  I managed to give a 'shh' without making my neck hurt.  I smiled down at her as I settled her into the crook of my arm.  I managed to get her settled there without waking her.  I stared at her tiny, precious face.  Mine.  It was so obvious just by looking at her.  There was no denying her parentage.  This small child had been cultivated by me, by my Naruto.  My sweet little girl...

I walked out of the room and the nurse quietly returned to her post next to my wife's side.  Kimiko, daughter of The Lord Gaara, Fifth Kazekage of Suna.  I smiled.  Soon, these words would be heard by all of Suna.  Preparations were being made for the announcement.  A holiday had been called by the council for this day, and I was sure the people were curious as to why.  Not only was this a mere naming ceremony, but also the official announcement of my daughter's arrival.  The announcement of my marriage.  The promise to a formal wedding at an undetermined time for the viewing pleasure of Suna.

One step after another.  It was time.  It was time I would have to share her with the world.  I took a breath. 

I entered the kitchen.  Warmth flooded my chest as I was presented with the family I once thought I would never have.  My daughter, my very _own_ daughter cradled within my arms.  My son, my brother and my sister's family all smiling at me, save for the two Naras who rarely looked more than bored.  So, I assumed they were smiling in their own way.

"Hey, you ready?" Temari came up and pressed her finger into my daughter's palm and she grabbed hold.  Temari smiled down at her.  "She really is beautiful, Gaara."  She looked up at me.  "Like her father."

I glared at her.

She gave a shrug.  "Well, I always wondered what you would have looked like as a girl, I guess we will find out now, won't we?"

"Temari, I am not-"

"Hush it." She pressed her finger to my lips.  "I was always a bit jealous of you that way.  You're the only one who took after mom's side, you know?" She dragged her finger down my jawline.  "No squared jaw.  You are lucky."

"Damn woman, haven't I told you I like you as you are?"

I looked at her husband who came over, grabbed her by the waist and placed his lips on hers.  I whimpered at the display.  Too close, I didn't want to see, wait, this is my sister!  She was married.  I didn't need to know what he's done to her...  What _has_ he done to her?

I should kill him for touching her.

He was married, he was allowed.

I should still kill him.  I gave him a dark stare.  My house.  No kissing my sister in my house.  I used my sand to form a barrier between them, then pressed them apart.  I couldn't really say it, so I made it clear what I desired.  No.  Simply, purely, _no._

My brother in law shoved his hands into his pockets.  "Well, guess that answers that question." He turned from Temari and held up a single hand.  "See you there, I'm out." Shikadai shoved out of his chair to follow.

"Me too.  See you there mom." He waved and followed after his father.

Temari watched them go, turned to me and groaned.  "Seriously Gaara, how do you think Shikadai was born?"

I licked my lips.  I knew what I wanted to say.  So, to spite the repercussion, I voiced it.  "Immaculately."

She stared, her eyes widened.  Then, a smile slowly spread on her face.  She laughed.  She laughed hard.

She laughed so hard, my little Kimi woke up.  I brought her up to my chest and began to rub circles onto her little back.  Wait.  I looked to my sister.  "Dress."

"Dress?"  She looked down at my daughter, her mouth opening to form an 'o'.  "Dress."  She turned from me and bolted up the stairs.

How could I have forgotten something so important as my daughter's ceremonial dress?  Only a moment later, she came back into view.  I scrunched my face at her.  She couldn't have gone all the way up to my room, found the dress and returned so quick.  It was more like she stopped in her guest room on the next floor...  I looked at the fabric in her hands and frowned.  Red, not white.  Not the dress I picked out for her.

She beamed at me.  "Actually, I'm glad you forgot.  I was going to show you this morning, but with everything going on, I completely forgot about it.  I started working on this a few months ago, when we found out the sex of the baby."

A... A few _months_ ago?  I frowned at her, hoping my question was obvious on my face without being forced to voice it.  I barely found out the sex of the baby before she was born, why did she know?

"Hakuto found it out before the attack in Konoha."

My lips thinned.  Hakuto?  The raven haired beauty who could have been my wife, had circumstances been different.  I looked down to Kimi.  No.  It wasn't meant for me.  Not her.  This, this is what was meant for me.  Naruto, this family with her.  If anything happened any differently back then, I would not be in this position.  I would not have Shinki, my precious son, I would not have Naruto, this little girl nestled in my arms.

"Who is Hakuto?"  Shinki's voice sounded from the table.

Both Temari and Kankuro stiffened at the question.  Of course she would bring it up while he was in the room.  Minutes before we needed to leave.  While I dug the hell out of my neck so I myself couldn't explain it to him.  Not that she necessarily mattered, but she was half the reason he was in my life.

"Um, kid, you want to head out?  We all should head off before your Dad and Aunt, alright?" Dad?  Usually he didn't refer to me this way.

 _Dad_.  I liked the sound of it.  Shinki only used the term with me the day I learned of the attack on Konoha.  I found I secretly wished he would drop the formalities with me more often. 

"I won't dissapoint." He stood from his chair, came over to me and smiled at the baby.  "Hey, welcome to the family." He leaned in and kissed the back of her head, turned and headed out without another word.

I smiled after him as Kankuro followed behind.  Family.  _Mine_.  Shinki, Kimi, Naruto.  These people were my children, my wife.  Kankuro, Temari are my siblings.  Siblings who I have come to view as precious to me.  My sister's husband and son.  Would this fragile family of mine continue to grow?

I hoped it would.  Maybe Kankuro would manage to find someone precious of his own.  Maybe.

Maybe not.

Temari pulled her from my arms and began to dress her into the dark crimson dress.  It had a small bow on the waist, ruffles on the bottom and the Suna neck and head cover made of soft silk.  My lip twitched up as I seen her in the little thing.  I hadn't dressed her in much beyond a simple gown since she was born. 

 _Cute_.

"Ready?"  Temari had a large, reassuring smile.

"Cameras?" My voice was getting to be ragged after all the talking I had done.  I picked her back up, vowing to myself I would go dress shopping in the coming days.

"I made sure there will be recordings of it."  She came up next to me and gently brushed her fingers through my daughter's bright red fuzzy hair.  "Are you holding up alright?"

I looked away from her.  I didn't know how to handle concern well.

"Just remember, you aren't alone in this."

I took a deep breath and felt a small squeeze to my shoulder.

"Lets go."  Temari began the descent into the next room.  The room which led outside.  From outside, it would be a silent, crowded walk to the Kazekage tower.  At the Kazekage tower...

I followed her.  There would be no going back.  In a mere hour, my little girl will be recorded into Suna history as the daughter of the fifth Kazekage.  Permanent.  Part of the village.  I would have to share her.  I did not want to share her.  I wanted to keep her to myself.  I wanted to enjoy watching her grow and learn.  I knew they would watch her.  From a distance.  They watched all of us, though our father shielded them from the attention and they avoided me as though I were the plague.

Maybe because I murdered a few reporters.  I even brought one home with me to play with once.  I think I was eight at the time.  I still could hear his screams...

"Gaara, why are you smiling?"

My eyes widened and I looked to her.  I shifted my eyes down to my daughter and hoped she would simply form the conclusion I was once again thinking about her.  She didn't need to know the reality of my existence.  She didn't need to know the things I have done.  The way I would remove bones from my guests by piercing their fragile skin with my sand.  I could feel their life from within their body, I would coat their bones, crush it into sand, then extract it while they screamed beneath me.  It was all so delicious.  So...

I bit the inside of my cheeks as I trembled from the memory of the piercing screams.  What was I thinking just now?  On the way to my baby's naming ceremony in front of the very families of the people I so carelessly killed.  I rubbed circles on Kimi's back.  May she never learn of this.  May she never deal with this desire.  May she never be burdened with the darker side of being what she became.  Without her consent.  Without mine.  Without Naruto's.

Jinchuuriki. 

It wasn't fair.

Temari paused at the front door and looked behind her shoulder.  She faced me a moment, tightened the collar around my neck, then opened the door before I could change my mind.

Not that I could even if I desired to.  Not when a full holiday was called.  Not when it was demanded for all of Suna to either be present or watching the ceremony.  I hesitated at the door.  More than a million people, watching.  Curious as to what they will be witness to.  Learning of the arrival of a new member of the Kazekage clan.  I held onto Kimi just a little tighter to shield her from the onlookers, pulling the silk up over the top of her head.  They would see her soon enough.  I could protect her, for just a few more minutes, from their prying eyes.

I stepped out into the street and felt overwhelmed, my eyes widening in surprise a moment before I schooled my expression back to what it was.  People as far as I could see.  They lined the streets.  The stood on top of buildings.  Cameras were pointed in our direction, which only settled my nerves, for once.  With this footage, I would be able to share it with Naruto when she woke.  It eased my mind.  Temari started down the street towards the tower and for once I was grateful to the close proximity.  Only two blocks.

I swallowed as I continued to walk.  Silence.  Everyone kept silent as we walked to our destination.  A few hushed voices would sound, but nothing which interrupted the ceremony.  It starts with acknowledgment.  Something was happening, regarding their Kazekage.  Curiosity and the desire to support me drove them as close as they could come.  Participate in the tradition.  Keep the rituals alive.  Keep moving.  Stay silent.  I knew they were figuring it out.  I was holding onto Kimiko, and I was sure they would be able to tell what, exactly, I was holding onto.

I wished her mother could be here.  Experience their approval, their commitment to their Kazekage, to his family.  To her.  To our daughter.  I wonder what expression she would have at seeing this.

I would never know.

I pushed the thought from my mind as the shadow of the tower loomed over us.  Almost there.  A few more yards, then we were inside the building.  The building was packed save for a wide walking path to the escalators.  More citizens of Suna lined the halls, the stairs in silence.  Watching us.  I felt a weight in my chest and I took a deep breath.  Their support.  Even now, the support they showed was overwhelming to me.  Confusing.

I love these people.  They are precious to me.  All of them.

The escalator took too long to reach the top.  Then, I heard my own steps echo throughout the hall once we reached the main floor.  The banquet hall was where the ceremony would be taking place.  We stopped just outside the doors.

Men in full uniform were stationed outside the doors.  Suna uniform.  Traditional uniform.  These men were not ninja.  These men were part of the elder council, the part which were stationed to uphold the traditions.  Often overlooked, but I was grateful for their presence.  They stood at attention, their arms stiff by their sides.  They stood in a 'v' formation and the one in front, the point of the 'v' came forward in long, straight strides.  It was beginning.  "The council of Suna accepts your presence, Lord Kazekage, and is willing to hear your request.  Are you ready to present your request before the council?" His voice was steady, professional.

I shifted my eyes to Temari, annoyed I would not be able to take my part in the ceremony in full.  She stepped forward.  "I invoke the right to speak upon the behalf of the Kazekage.  I am the eldest daughter and child of the fourth Kazekage."

The man turned to Temari.  "State your full title."

"I am Temari, First daughter to The fourth Kazekage, Rasa and his wife, Kurura.  The elder sister to Kankuro and the Fifth Kazekage, Gaara of the desert, active Kazekage of Suna."

"We of the elder council shall recognize this request, Temari, elder sister of Lord Gaara, Fifth Kazekage of Suna.  Are you ready to present your request?"

"I am."

The man gave a short bow and the rest of the formation moved to form a small hall.  The man about faced and went to the large doors. With a swift movement, they opened, revealing the grand hall.  Cameramen and nobles lined the walls.  Flags were raised and a long, golden path was placed on the floor, leading to four chairs, raised far off the ground, towering over the people within the room.

The Suna elders.  Not the ones who loitered within my meetings, but the ones in charge of the regulations within the underground.  The ones responsible for upholding the traditions.  Only the head of the council came to meetings as part of the official elder council as current.

"Wait here." The whisper came from the man who opened the door.

I felt my heart pound in anticipation.  Other than the naming ceremony for my wife, I had never personally been to a formal ceremony.  This was Suna tradition in its finest, and I was to be a part of it.  Me.  I took a deep breath.

He walked ahead of us, stopped halfway and a woman came to him with a large, conical instrument.  He held it up to his mouth.  "I am honored to present Lord Fifth Gaara, youngest son of Lord Fourth Rasa and Lady Kurura, brother to Lord Kankuro and Lady Temari.  The current and active Kazekage of Suna.  Presenting to the council is Lady Temari, first born child of Lord fourth Rasa and Lady Kurura.  Sister to Kankuro and the current Kazekage, Lord Fifth Gaara of the desert.  Does the council accept their presentation?"

A loud single drumming reverberated through the hall.  A man stood in the center of the four chairs.  "The council accepts."

The man about faced and held the instrument to his mouth once more.  "The council accepts your presentation.  Please come forward and state your request."  The walkway cleared.

 _Thrum.  Thrum.  Thrum._   A deep drumming sounded slow, steady and I was nudged by Temari.  I walked forwards.  My mouth felt dry and I resisted the urge to take in my surroundings.  Keep myself steady.  Keep my eyes forward.  I am the Kazekage.

I stopped when Temari stopped.  I looked up to the council, keeping hold of my daughter, shielding her still. 

"Lady Temari, we are ready to hear your request."

She stepped in front of me.  "We ask of the council to accept into records the addition of a new member of the Kazekage clan." With her words, a small murmur started within the crowd.

 _Thrum._   "Silence."  The murmur quieted.  "We accept this request."

"Gaara." Temari whispered to me.

It was time.  I stepped forward and pulled the silk from my daughter's head.  I reluctantly gave her to Temari for presentation.  My heart lept to my throat.

Temari carefully held her out for everyone to see.  "Members of the Elder council, I present to you the daughter of Lord Fifth Gaara of the Sand and his wife,  the Lady Kisarei." Another murmur, another thrum to thwart it.  "The granddaughter of Lord Fourth Rasa and Lady Kurura.  Descendant of the renowned yet disbanded Uzumaki clan." A few gasps, another thrum.  "Niece of Lady Temari and Lord Kankuro.  Sister to Lord Shinki, son of Lord Fifth Gaara."

The thrumming began once more, this time accompanied by claps.  They came in time to the drums.  I swallowed.  This was happening.  "The council accepts your presentation.  It is asked you reveal this child's name for the record of Suna proper."

"This child is Kimi, daughter of Lord Fifth Gaara, current and active Kazekage of Suna and his wife the Lady Kisarei, Uzumaki descendant." 

I stared at Temari.  _Kimiko_.  Her name is Kimiko!

"The council accepts Kimi of the Kazekage clan into full and proper record." 

 _Kimiko._   Too late.  It was too late!

After a moment the man from earlier came to stand next to Temari.  He directed her to turn around and stand next to me.  She handed my daughter back to me and I took her quickly into my arms.

"People of Suna, today we welcome a new princess of Suna!  Today is a day to rejoice for the Kazekage has presented us a daughter!  Behold, Lady Kimi, daughter of Lord Fifth, Gaara of the sand!"

I felt something bump into my back and I held my baby girl up to be inspected by the entirety of my people.

The roar of cheers was deafening.

My daughter now had a true name.

My Kimi.

I hope the love and support my people showed today will stay with her.

My sweet little Kimi.

I brought her back to my chest.  From now on, she was a daughter of Suna.  So I would share her.  For today.  Today I will share her with them.

I smiled as the roar of cheers continued.

They cheered for her. For her existence.

For my Kimi.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally got to the naming ceremony!  A bit of a long one, but I hope you all liked it :D
> 
> Also, it is probably a good think he likes Temari, don't you think?  Hehehe.
> 
> As always, reviews/comments serve to inspire.  Thank you all for reading <3


	24. Loose Ends

 

 

#  ** Gaara **

"It's been two weeks, damn it.  Talk to me will you?" The ever consistent voice hovered closer and closer with every passing day and I found myself wanting it to go away.

I silently worked at changing my daughter's underclothes, not giving the voice the satisfaction of knowing I heard it.  She wiggled her legs about as I put on a fresh diaper for her and clasped it secure.  It only took me ten minutes this time.  I've gotten better.  I smiled and worked at putting her little gown on.  Why couldn't she hold still for this?  I frowned at her and leaned down to her, ignoring the continuing buzz of the voice behind me.  "Hold still for me?  You need to have clothes on little one."  I was unfortunate enough to know she was going to disobey me, but it never hurt to try.  I wasn't sure she even grasped anything i said, but it didn't stop me from talking to her.

It was the fight of the century, trying to get her dressed.  Every day battles to change her, redress her, comfort her and ensure she was fed at an impeccable routine.  It wasn't to be disrupted, or she would fuss the entire day.  I didn't like it when she fussed, something always felt as though it ripped its way through my insides and the only thing I could think about was making everything better for her.  As soon as the gown was on, a heart wrenching wail erupted from little Kimi's lips and I scooped her up and rocked her gently in my arms.  "Shh, it's alright, it's all over."  Soon, the cry simmered down to a light gurgle and then ebbed away to the sounds of her sleep.  I sighed and looked over to my still unmoving wife.  Three weeks, and still she showed no signs of waking up.  I sat in the chair next to the bed and frowned at her still body.  She breathed on her own, thankfully, but today they were giving in and putting in a feeding tube rather than having the nurse feed her.

Yesterday, she nearly choked on what she was fed, and I gave in.  Which meant, I no longer would be able to feed my daughter due to what was added to the nutrients for absorption, it would be too dangerous for her.  The buzzing voice drew too near to me and I swatted it away with my sand.  Annoying.  It was still far too soon to speak to the thing.  It should feel lucky I hadn't gone and killed it after the treasonous thing it did.  Which still could happen, and is why I chose to ignore said voice instead.  I didn't want my daughter to see me kill something so soon into her fragile little life.  I wanted more for her than this.  This blood.  This death.  I can only hope she didn't inherit this particular anomaly of mine, this blood lust.  I was never sure if it was something natural in me, or something developed by my childhood and I prayed to whatever gods who might listen it was the latter of the two options.

The need to cause pain and death wasn't inborn.  It couldn't be.  Could it?

"Buzz buzz, more words, I'm damn annoying aren't I?  You want to kill me, I know you do..." I snorted at the translation I made for the words the voice made. _Well yes, I do want to kill you_.  I couldn't answer though, could I?  I would lose to the voice if I reacted to it.  I wouldn't have it.

What it did was unforgivable, and had it been anyone else, I would have ended them the moment we left the ceremony.  I surprised myself at my own constraint, in all honesty.  Maybe it was little Kimi who mellowed my mood enough to feel so calm afterward.  Kimi.  Forever Kimi.  Not just a nickname, but her official name in the Suna history and logs because of this annoying, blasted voice which was constantly hovering around me.  What I wouldn't give to remove a limb or two, just as an example of how perturbed I was at her dropping a third of my daughter's given name.  Third.  Of.  Her.  Name.  I growled at the memory.  Yes.  Far too soon to talk to the voice.  I looked over to the abomination of blonde hair and limbs and shoved it out of my room.  I wasn't in the mood and ignored the indignant protests it made while being removed from my presence.  I knew the silence which followed the removal wouldn't last anywhere near long enough.  Soon, it would return with more gumption than before and demand my attention.

I wasn't going to speak to it anytime soon.  My Kimiko was only going to be Kimiko to me, a memory of what should have been.  Instead, the cute little nickname I came up with for her was forever her true name.  Something not just for those close to her, but for the world to say.  It annoyed me.  Annoyed me more than I cared admit to.

There was a thunking sound from my window and I shifted my eyes to my intruder.  "Shinki." He was the only one who had the gall to enter my room from the window as of late.  Not since the ceremony.

"You ever going to leave your room?"

"I don't have a reason to leave."

He groaned, grabbed the chair from my desk and drug it over to me.  He flopped into the chair and lounged back, arms crossed.  "How about the whole running Suna thing?  You can't do everything from in here, and everyone is still reeling about Kimi."

I kept my face still, not wanting to show my irritation of this.  "It isn't her full name."

"Is now." I narrowed my eyes at him and he rose his hands in defense.  "Don't look at me like that, it's Aunt Temari's fault."

"I don't want to speak about her."

"You will have to some time."

I shifted my eyes away from him and settled at looking at my wife.  The people of Suna were demanding an explanation of Kimi.  How did I come by a newborn daughter?  Was she the daughter of the Kazekage?  Was she adopted like his son?  Of course she Kazekage's, just look at her.  Wasn't he opposed to natural children?  What did this mean for his adopted son?  Who was her mother?  Did this mean the Kazekage is married?  Was there an incident?  Did this mean a possibility for war?  Would there be an uprising from the mother's family, whoever they may be?  Isn't she cute?  She looks just like the Kazekage, her bloodline is obvious.  So on, and et cetera.  I made the mistake of watching news reports after the naming ceremony, reading the localized papers.  The people were both excited and anxious about her arrival. 

Yet, here I was, holed away in my room avoiding said people.  She's mine, I didn't want to share her and I didn't want to explain away her existence.  Not yet.  Not until she woke up, my Naruto.  Kisarei.  I would need to be careful with her name.  It might be best to refer to her by her Suna name at home as well, but I wasn't sure how well it would go over with her.  She already gave up so much for me and Kimi, I didn't want to burden her with one more thing.  Naruto was her name for over thirty years, even I could comprehend the harshness of giving up this one thing.  She already gave up her home, her existing family, her wife, her gender, her ability to access her chakra and unbeknownst to her, Kurama.  It was the last one I feared most.  When she woke, how would she handle losing him?  How would she handle knowing her own daughter was now Kurama's jinchuuriki?  Knowing was hard on me, but for her?  I had no idea.  I wasn't even sure she looked past Kimi's birth as far as future went.  Would she regret everything?  Would she resent me?  Would she try to go back to Hinata and their children?

There was a thump on my shoulder and I looked over to my son.  "You didn't hear a single word, did you?"

I stared.  He was talking?  Maybe tuning Temari out wasn't such a good idea, it was carrying over to other people.  Instead of answering I took Kimi and placed her in her bassinet.  I smiled down at her.  So pretty in all the lace.

I was going to buy more lace for her.  Kimi deserved lace.

"Where did I leave off, do you remember?" He paused, then continued when I didn't respond.  "Hmm.  There is also this odd demolition order the representative keeps talking about.  Said you need to sign another document or something.  What's getting demolished anyway?  He seemed a bit-"

"It's none of your concern." I narrowed my eyes at him.  Don't ask.  I won't tell you.  It's something you never need know about.

He frowned at me and gave a scoff.  "Alright, you still need to sign something.  Seemed urgent.  Let's see, there is also a bill about water distribution past the south eastern gate, they have been going through more water the past few months and they want to go through the lines and make sure there isn't a leak somewhere."

"The representative put you up to this, didn't he?"

He shrugged and settled back into the chair.  "I'm the only one who's been able to talk to you for the past two weeks.  They're concerned."

"They're only annoyed.  They will manage." I sighed and sat across from him at my desk.  "At least for a little longer.  They will have questions.  Questions I do not want to answer." I focused on the dot on my desk.  Usually, I did not talk personal matters with Shinki, at least not when it came to my insecurities.  I needed to change, a little anyway.  To be a better father.  I wanted to be a better father, and it would start with Shinki.  Just be there.  Isn't it what he said?  Talking is good too, isn't it?  I couldn't remember for sure, but I would go with it.  Talking to Temari was out of the question for now, and Kankuro was off keeping everyone happy enough to keep from trying to oust me as Kazekage due to my little... I tilted my head at the desk as I thought about the phrasing for it.

"About her?" His words made me look up and I followed his pointed finger to my wife.

I gave a small nod and hummed.

He studied me for a minute, then sighed.  "You could always give a statement you will give a speech at a later undetermined date.  You can't stay in here locked up forever."  He pushed himself out of the chair and leaned over the bassinet.  "Besides, I kind of want to show off my baby sister to the world.  Don't you?"

No, not particularly.  "She is mine."

He laughed and headed over to the window.  Wait.  What is he thinking?  "I should get going, they want a report from me.  I will come back tomorrow with the paperwork for the demolition."  He edged closer to the window.

I growled at him and blocked the thing with a thick wall of sand.  I pointed to the door.  "Stairs.  I have given you my opinion on you jumping out of windows."

He gave a guttural sigh.  "You jumped with me when-"

"No."  I stressed the word and rose from my chair, arms crossed once I was standing to help reiterate the point.  "Special circumstances, and never on your own."

"Whatever.  I'll be back."

He brushed past me and I grabbed his arm.  He shot a look over his shoulder.  "Have your uncle come here, there is something I need to discuss with him over the demolition order."

His brows furrowed and he jerked his arm out of my grip.  "Yes, Father."  He left my room and slammed the door.

I frowned behind him.  What just happened?  Did I upset him somehow?  I slumped into the chair next to my wife.  "Wake up, Naruto.  Just... Just wake up.  I'm no good at this."  I grabbed hold of her hand and lowered my forehead to it.  I moved the sand from the place it touched and gasped in air as the heat of her hand flooded into my bare skin.  She always seemed to have a good rapport with her kids.  Maybe she would know what I was doing wrong.  Right now, I would be elated if all she did was move on her own, and gave me some kind of smile. 

Yet, I couldn't shake the feeling it wouldn't happen.  Three weeks, and no signs of improvement.  I squeezed her hand tighter.  Alive.

At least she is alive.

.*.               .*.               .*.

I was jerked out of my thoughts with a knocking on the sand outside my bedroom door.  I cleared the way and Kankuro came in.  "Thought you stopped blocking your room with sand a week ago.  Damn, it hurts to knock on that shit."

I let go of Naruto's hand, sat up and stretched.  How long was I like this?  "I didn't want to be disturbed by a certain person."

"Can't you just get over it already?  It's been two fucking weeks, Gaara.  I mean, damn."  He flopped into the chair at the desk and pulled his hood down.

"You've been working."

He frowned at me.  "What, did you think I've been out drinking and having fun all this time?"

I stared at him, then tilted my head.  I wasn't going to answer.  "Did you bring the documents for the demolition order with you?"

"What papers?"  His frown was accentuated by his face paint.

"Didn't Shinki tell you to come?"

"No.  Was he supposed to tell me something?  I seen him last night for dinner, he seemed a bit off, but he never said anything about you wanting to see me."

Last night?  "What time is it?"

"It's morning."

I frowned at his response.  Morning?  If I talked to my son last night, and then didn't tell Kankuro about the demolition paperwork...  My stomach sank.  My eyes widened and I silently stared at my brother.  He was going to bring me the paperwork today. 

What if the paperwork had the address on it?  He wouldn't go to see for himself, would he?

Would he?  "Kankuro..." I trailed off as my heart sped up.  Focus.  I needed to... I looked up at the ceiling.  The oddly painted spiral became my focal point as I tried to regain my composure.  Another reason I wanted to wait to go back out to the public.  I didn't want to deal with a panic attack while giving a speech, or something else.  Never show weakness.  Never show emotion.  It was my way of being their Kazekage.  The panic ebbed away with the thought.

Strong hands grabbed hold of my shoulders and I lowered my eyes to him, feeling a bit numb.  "Get Shikamaru, I need someone to watch Kimi."

"What about Tem-"

"No."  I needed to go there.  How long did he have the papers?  I had blocked all entrances with sand, but I hadn't made them impenetrable by iron sand.  I had kept the house a secret from him for his entire life.  He never needed to know about it, but if he got curious about the order and went to see for himself what I was keeping from him...  "Quickly, please."

"Yeah, alright."

He left the room and I gathered up my gourd and put on my spare long coat.  My favorite was still in the bottom drawer of my dresser, in shreds.  I still hadn't the heart to have Temari fix it, or explain away the small stains on it.  I smirked.  Maybe I should.  Her expression would be worth it, and maybe I could forgive her for her treason.

I paced.  I wanted to be wrong.  My son was too much like myself for me to be wrong, but I still wanted to be.  I wanted the demolition to happen before he would ever find out about the place, and someone specifically told him about the demolition.  My stomach lurched.

I was going to kill this person for doing this.  I barely mended my relationship with my son, and they go and ruin it with this?  If I didn't reach him in time to destroy it, paperwork or not, he would see.  All of my carefully guarded secrets, all my actions as a child exposed in a grotesque display of horror.  I never denied the rumors, but I never confirmed his questions either.  I would never lie to him, and if he asked me what this place was to me, I wasn't sure how he would handle it.

Would he still even want to be my son?  Would he disown me?  Would he leave me and deny his claim to the Kazekage title and become rogue?

There was a groan at the door and I looked up to see my brother in law's bored expression.  "How annoying, why me?"

"Because he's still mad at your wife, and he probably thinks Shikadai is too young to watch her."

"The nurse-"

"Is not family, and the guy has trust issues.  So sit, stay.  She is asleep anyway, we shouldn't be more than a few hours."

"A few hours?"

I ignored their conversation and grabbed Kankuro.  "We don't have time for this.  We need to move."  I headed to the window.  It took too long for Shikamaru to come up.  I wrapped my arms around his stocky frame and hurled us out the window.  I caught us with my sand, paying no attention to the stream of expletives leaving him and moved us quickly in the direction of my old residence.  The one I abandoned as a child.

Why now?  Why couldn't I have fixed this sooner?  Did I really think I could keep him from being curious about it forever?  I groaned and moved the sand faster.

"Fuck Gaara, slow the hell down.  What's so damned important you need to go so damn fast?"

"Shinki knows."

"Knows?"

I groaned.  "The demolition order and the fact I was hiding something about it."

He was quiet a moment.  "Fuck."

I couldn't agree more.  I pushed as fast as I could over the structures of Suna until I reached the outcrop of buildings where I grew up.  My throat felt dry and I swallowed to try and fix it.  There is was, my old house.  The place I used to drag my special guests and tortured them until they gave up on living.  I set us on the ground and fell to my knees when I looked up at the building.  Too late.  We were too late.  The window I sealed when I came with Kankuro was knocked in.  It was the weakest of all the points.  I should have spent more time.

It was too late.

Too late.  _What do I do_?  How could I ever explain away what was inside this place to my son, who seemed to idolize me for some reason?  How could I tell him the rumors were true, and the reality of what I once was is more horrific than anything he ever heard?  How could I explain I craved to hear people scream, I craved their pain, I craved to see them writhe before me as I punctured their skin with my sand, to have it bathe me, to feel its warmth as I-

"Gaara." Kankuro shook me and I looked up to him.

"I can't.  It's too late, Kankuro.  He knows, he..." I trailed off.  I never let Shinki know about my continuing blood lust, my desire to kill. 

"There are two people in there."

Two?  "I don't want to go in there again.  Kankuro, could you..." I wanted to destroy this place.  Memories I didn't want.  With the rise in my panic attacks, I wasn't sure how I would react.  It was hard enough before when I came with Kankuro so he could sign the final order.  The papers should have been in order, there was nothing left to do, there shouldn't be anything left to do.  Yet, here we were because some idiot told my son about the demolition.

I am going to rip out their throat.  First, I would remove their heart, and crush it with my bare hands while they still lived.  Let them know what this did.  Or, maybe I would...

"Gaara, you're getting creepy, stop thinking whatever you are thinking."

I blinked and looked up to him.

"I know that look, you used to get it all the time just before you lost it and killed something."

I placed my hand to my face and realized my mouth was twisted in some sort of grin.  I pressed on the corners of my mouth and cleared my throat.  "Yes, I should get an explanation for why they told Shinki about this before giving punishment."

He stared at me.  "You can't just kill people on the council."

I tilted my head at him.  "Why not?"

"Fuck Gaara." He turned from me.  "Maybe it is better you stay out here." His voice had an odd tone to it.  "Open the door, I'm going in."

"No, I will go with you.  I apologize, Kankuro.  I..." My voice broke.  "I just..."  Killing is wrong.

My mind flashed back to an old conversation I had before I started to try for Kazekage.  It was night and we sat on the rooftop of a building while everyone else on the mission slept.  _One shouldn't just kill people without reason.  Life is precious, you need to remember this, Gaara.  Don't you want to protect them?  Your people?  Maybe, if we reach Kage, we can get their respect.  Hey, you listening to me Gaara?  How about it?  We surprise everyone by both becoming Kage?  Wouldn't that be something?  Wouldn't it?_

The blue of his eyes were darker then, the serious tone of his voice... It was the first time he mentioned wanting to be the Hokage.  He talked more the few times after we were able to speak, and my admiration for him only grew every time we met.  I grabbed at the fabric over my heart as it gave a painful lurch.

I held up my hand and was pulled to my feet.  "Let's go in."  I stepped forward.  My feet were heavy.  I didn't want to.  This place, anywhere but this place.

I bit the inside of my cheek and held up my hand.  It trembled, but the sand obeyed my order and the door cleared, then swung open.

"You know, you don't have to go in.  I know you hate this place."

I looked over my shoulder to him, then returned to face the door.  I could do this.

I had to do this.  I grit my teeth and clenched my hand at my side.  "You are wrong, Kankuro." 

I did have to do this.  I had to face him myself.  Hiding from it was pointless, cowardly.  So I forced myself forward.  It was something I knew I might face someday.  It wasn't something I thought I would have to deal with so soon though.

He will hate me.

I wasn't ready.

_I'm not ready..._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay in chapters, hopefully this one was alright.  I have been working on Inheritants all week because I have already missed my self-imposed deadline because I decided to be insane and change tenses which means a major overhaul of the entire thing.  (Ugh)  I am posting the revised version on Archive of Our own, if you are curious.  Once it is finished, it will be taken down on all platforms for the 'amazon digital exclusive' rights thing for their kdp select program.
> 
> Anyway, I have been in a weird mood lately, so I hope it isn't reflected in my writing.  Also, I did decide to chop all my hair off (As I said, weird mood)  Just need to recolor it, and I will be ready for video.  I found an old digital camcorder so I can actually shoot something, not sure how great the quality will be, but eh, it will work to start with I guess.
> 
> I am half way done with the rewrite and will post one more chapter of this out before I tackle the other half.  I want it to be published sometime in November, so I am still doing alright on time frame as long as I don't procrastinate too long hehe.
> 
> As always, reviews/comments serve to inspire.  Thank you for putting up with me, and reading this :D


	25. Yumi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something about the beginning of this chapter feels off to me, but I can't pinpoint what.  Maybe you guys have an idea?  Then again, it might just all be in my head lol.
> 
> This ended up a longer scene than I anticipated, so one more chapter before I dig into the last four chapters of Inheritants again.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!  As always comments/reviews serve to inspire. 

 

 

 

** Gaara **

The foul smell of old rotten blood filled my nose as I worked my way to the stairs.  There was a firm grip on my upper arm and I clenched my jaw.  "I'm fine."

"You don't need to do this, I can get them out myself." Kankuro's voice was dark.

"I..." I trailed off.  I couldn't burden him with this.  This was my own past, my own terrible memories.  This house, the rooms upstairs, my burden.  My reality.  The proof I really had been the monster they made me out to be.  More of one.  My stomach twisted.  This place, it always made me remember.  Remember what I've done, remember what I was still capable of.

I gripped the banister of the stairs and looked up.  They seemed to stretch for an eternity.

I hate stairs.

I choked on the breath I took, the offensive odor draining my other senses.  I trembled.  Blood.  So much blood.  I could almost taste it.  The blood made screams and pleas echo inside my mind.  Forms of vermin cowered in the corner of the guest room.  'Please, let me go, I didn't mean to-' Always the same plea.  Always the same result.  The grip on my arm tightened.

"Gaara." He stressed my name. 

I gritted my teeth and released the sand from the place he held, pushing his hand away from me.  No.  I could do this.  I shouldn't have hidden this part of me from my son in the first place.  At least, not so well.  I forced myself to climb.  This was different than before.  My brother knew what I had been like as a child.  He had seen it firsthand and feared me.  He hadn't known the extent I went to, and while it was nerveracking to bring him here, he at least had an idea it was likely bad.

Shinki was a different story.  The boy idolized me for some incoherent reason.  Today, it would all end.  Nobody could look at what was in these walls and think anything beyond the horror which lay within.  How many had I killed in this place?  Boys, girls, adults, ninja.  I had no real concept of the number.

I breached the top of the stairs and immediately came face to face with who I was looking for, along with... A girl?  Shinki was slumped down on the floor of the hall, knees up, head hung low.  The girl hovered over him, and was the first to notice me.  She drew out a kunai, held it up and half fell over herself when she did. 

"Where... Where is he?  Do you even know?" She spoke in a frenzy, and I noticed Shinki didn't even flinch at the voice.

"We are leaving." I turned towards my room and the open window.  Yes, leaving immediately.

"I'm not done, you have to explain-"

I turned and glared at her, effectively cutting off her words with the look.  I was not going in _that_ room.  Not if I didn't have to.  "Kankuro, grab the girl, I will take Shinki."

This seemed to finally garner a reaction from him.  He looked up to me then, but I encased him with my sand before he could protest.  I was not going to have this conversation here.  Never.  Not ever.  I couldn't.  I didn't even want to remember this part of me.  I didn't want to remember how close I had come to fulfilling my childhood desire to flood the streets of Suna with blood.  A cold shiver run down my back at the memory.  No, it was best not to remember this either.  I ignored the muffled protests of my son and looked back to Kankuro.  "Tomorrow, this ends." There was something off about this.  The council knew I kept my past from Shinki, yet someone had deliberately mentioned the demolition order to him.  Why hadn't I destroyed this place the moment I realized they told him?  "I want you to find the person who told my son about this place and bring them to me.  The one really behind it.  Someone must have decided to take advantage of my situation with Kimi and her mother."

He gave a quick nod.  "And the girl?"

"Keep her quiet, and bring her to the house." I turned from him and jumped.

"Wait, Gaara!"

I didn't listen, just hurried home with the struggling boy, thankful my mind was blank.

.*.               .*.               .*.

I sat across from Shinki in my room, arms crossed, bearing his heated glare.  He hadn't spoken a word since we returned home.  I wanted to say something, but I had no idea where to start.  Shikamaru vacated the room with Kimi the moment he had seen I brought Shinki back via sand.  Now, we were waiting for Kankuro to come back with the mystery girl who had been inside my house with my son. 

I sighed.  The girl might be a good place to try and start a conversation.  "Who is the girl?"

He didn't respond to me, and my stomach twisted.  Nothing.  He didn't even react in the slightest, had he heard me?  Was he ignoring me?  What could I do?

My door slammed open.  "What is going on?  Why does Shikamaru have Kimi, and will you just answer me for once?"

I shifted my eyes to Temari.  She stood in the doorway, her hand still on the handle of the door.  I looked back to Shinki.  I wasn't in the mood to talk to her, but I didn't know how to handle this.  She was better at these things, Kankuro was better at these things.  Why did I ever think I would be a capable father?  "He broke into the house."  I didn't want to explain.  I hoped she could understand why it would be bad without a full description of what was inside.

"Into... He went into..."  She gasped.  "Why?  Didn't that thing get sealed up?"

I looked at her fully.  Her brows furrowed with her words, a slight edge formed in her words.  "You know about?" I didn't want to say the rest.  If she didn't, it would be incriminating to me.

She turned her eyes to Shinki and sighed.  "Yeah, I know.  I thought it was odd you didn't want anything, so I went to get stuff from there myself and... Well, let's just say that place is better left to rot."

I stared at her.  "You... You knew about it all this time?" Even though I felt a little relieved at this, I couldn't bury the additional feeling of betrayal at the knowledge.

She gave a nod, moved over to Shinki and knelt down next to him.  "Hey, you alright?"

His eyes widened with the question.  "How _could_ I be?"

I looked away from him.  Even I could discern the pain in his voice. 

"Damn Gaara, you couldn't fucking carry us with you, this damn girl has been a freaking hassle to carry around you know."

A muffled sound came from the pack on his back and he gave a wince as he finished up the last of the stairs and tossed the pack in the middle of the room.  It gave an 'oomph' and he opened it, revealing the girl inside.

"Who is she?" Temari pointed to the girl in the middle of the room who was scrambling to her feet.

The girl looked around her and froze when she her eyes met the figure of Naruto in the bed.  "This is..." She trailed off and locked her eyes on me.  "You." She stressed the word.

"Hey brat, that's the Kazekage, you should speak with-"

I held up my hand and Kankuro's voice was muffled with a small sand barrier.  The girl squeaked.  "Let the girl speak, Kankuro.  There must be a reason she accompanied Shinki in..." I frowned.  " _That_ place." I studied her.  She looked quite nervous in front of me, surrounded by my family.  "Leave."  I looked at my son who still was glaring at me.  "You as well, Shinki.  There is something I would like to know about this girl."

"Should you be alone in a room with her, Lord Kazekage?"

I cringed at the stiff formality Shinki spoke the title in.  What little progress I had managed to achieve with him was gone in an instant.

"Shinki." Temari stressed his name, but he never broke his glare.

"Hey, listen, maybe I should be going now." The girl trailed off and slowly backed her way to the door, but was stopped by Kankuro.

"Nope, if he wants to talk, it's better to get it over with before he gets in a mood."

I groaned.  Too much, too many people, too many emotions, too many thoughts to sort out.  I was going with the easiest out of them all.  "Out." I pointed to the door.  "Everyone out." I shifted my eyes to Temari.  "Bring me my _Kimiko_."  I narrowed my eyes at her and she stiffened.

"Yeah, sure.  Be right back."  She grabbed Shinki by the collar and dragged him out of the room, closely followed by Kankuro who half tossed the girl into the room enough so she couldn't escape while they filed out of my room.

The door clicked shut and I let out a breath.  All I could hear was the constant beep of my wife's monitor and the more obtuse sounds the girl was making as she likely planned some sort of escape route.  "Your name." I wasn't in the mood to talk, but she was inside my house.  I couldn't just let her go.  Here, be free, tell the world of the horrors inside so everything I worked so hard for could be forfeit.  She looked around, then kept her eyes on the door.  She didn't say anything in response to my question.  Was she trying to protect her family?  Was she from my old neighborhood?  Could this have been the reason she was there with Shinki?  I motioned for the chair next to Naruto's bed and set it across from me.  "Sit."

She teetered on her heels, but then followed my order.  She sat on the chair and shifted.  Even I could tell how anxious she was.  She avoided looking at me, instead she kept her eyes fixated on the door.

"If you run, you wouldn't make it."

This brought her attention to me, a look much more readable and familiar to me ghosting her features.  Fear.  Horror.  I studied her other features instead.  Thin lips, ashen hair and over all a bit plain.  Yet, there was a tenacity to her which reminded me of someone.  A bright determination.  "You're going to kill me." Her voice was slow, steady.  This wasn't a question for her, but a truthful statement. 

It wasn't, I wasn't going to do anything to this girl.  I had no reason to, not which I knew of anyway.  "You think I am such a monster?" I tilted my head at her. 

She swallowed.  "Aren't you?"

I pressed my finger to my forehead and pressed on the spot between my brows.  When I was sure the spot was relaxed I returned to my former posture.  I crossed my arms.  "Yes."  I would not lie to her.  I was a monster.  Still am.  Will always be.  I was just better in control of it.

She made an odd noise and I blinked at her reaction.  "Can't you at least lie about it?"

Peculiar.  "You understand why you are here?" I phrased my words carefully.  Maybe if I had her explain it, I myself would better understand.  I brought her here on a whim.  I could have tossed her into a cell and figured out later how to deal with the exposure, or waited until the demolition was complete to remove any proof of what she had seen within the walls of the place.

She shifted again then cleared her throat.  "I was inside that damned house of horrors you once called home."

My eyes widened a little before I caught the reaction and froze my face back to indifference.  I hummed.  The girl was brazen, I would give her this much.  "Your name."

"It's not important."

"Isn't it?  How do you know my son?" There, I said it.  The one question which was on my mind since finding the girl inside my house, hovered over him.

"Your... Shinki is your son?"

The question was asked in such a tone I knew it had to be genuine.  I stared at her.

She looked back to the door.  "So, you do show emotion."

I brought my hand to my face and realized my shock at her statement showed.  I sighed.  "Yes."

There was a soft knock on the door and it swung open.  Temari stood there, a small fussing bundle in her arms.  I frowned and went to her.  "I think she might be hungry.  Has the nurse showed you how to use formula yet?"

"Formula?" I studied Temari a moment and then remembered today was the day I would have to use a different method for feeding her.  I looked back at the girl and narrowed my eyes.  "You.  Stay." I pushed my sister out of the room, ignoring the slew of words coming out of her and then pushed the button near Naruto's bed.

"I'm not a dog."

I ignored the girl and waited for the nurse to come up.  What was her name again?  I couldn't remember.  I really should make a point to ask.  Maybe not today, I wasn't in the mood for more conversation than I was already stuck with.

"What is the button for?"

I continued to ignore the girl, who at least was still being somewhat obedient by staying in the chair.  She seemed to be close to the same age as Shinki.  Could this be his girlfriend?  He never mentioned having one, or even being attracted to anyone, but then I wasn't too close to him in the first place.  If this girl was his girlfriend, was he so ashamed of me he never mentioned his relation to me?

There was a groan from behind me.  "Fine, if I tell you my name, will you tell me about what you are holding and why you need formula, and why you pushed some random button, and you actually do have a son?"

I turned and stared at the girl.  She continued to ramble on and it reminded me... "You are just like her."

This made her stop.  "Just like who?"

I tilted my head to Naruto.  The number one most unpredictable... Person, I have ever had the fortune of meeting.  I tried to ignore the sharp pang in my chest.  No longer a ninja.  What would she become?  I had no idea.  "Name, then answers."  How did I manage to get her to this point?  Her curiosity would save me from having to pry further, thank goodness.

"Yumi."  She leaned forward in her chair.  "So... The rumor is true then?"

"Rumor?"  I sat back down in my chair, softly rocking Kimiko in my arms.  Kimi.  I groaned.  Still not over it.

"I was outside the district and heard someone talk about the Kazekage... You... Presenting a baby.  Are you married?  Is Shinki your real son, did-"

" _Hush_."  I frowned at the girl.  One thing at a time.  Yumi?  A common name.  She went from being petrified to curious in a matter of seconds.  What happened to cause this?  Maybe I could use this to my advantage when talking to my son.  My son... What do I do to in order to fix this?  How could I?

"I could help.  I'm the oldest, have four siblings myself, and my brother is still a baby if you need help with mixing baby formula, I can help out.  You know, if-"

"I said hush."  Yes, reminds me too much of Naruto.  A tiny cry came from my sweet little one.  "Shh..." I glanced back up to the girl and groaned.  "Fine, you can help.  Quietly." I froze.  What if this girl was one of the ones responsible for telling Shinki about my house?  What if she was after revenge for whoever she was referring to in the house?  I stiffened.  I wouldn't let my little one get hurt just because I was too trusting of some girl I just met.  Why did she make me feel so calm? "No, I will wait." Right, she reminds me of my wife.  She is not Naruto, however.  Fuu did the same to me.  I frowned.  It was no use remembering the dead.  Not now.

Her eyes widened after studying me a minute.  "Wait... Are you afraid of _me_?" She started to laugh and I shut her up with sand.

"Quiet." I narrowed my eyes at her.

Just then the door opened and the nurse came in.  "You called... Um.  Who is she?" The nurse eyed the girl who was pulling at the sand gag.

"No concern to you.  Formula.  How do I use it."

I ignored the muffled words coming from my 'guest' as the nurse complied.  She took the powder out of a container and began to mix it with water.  After this, she placed it on an odd looking contraption.  She explained every step, and I did try to listen, but... Kimi was fussing.  I shifted her in my arms as the nurse left after confirming I heard her and I blankly stared after her as she left the room.  I could feel the panic rise in my chest.  Why did I just agree I had heard and understood what to do?  Did she honestly think I had any hope in comprehending this process?  Did she not know I was a habitual liar when it came to glossing over my social pretenses.  Do you understand?  Well, of course. Why wouldn't I?  Not like I holed myself in my house for six years while everyone else went to school so I could slowly kill and torture random people.  I was better at taunting and causing pain than social graces, and sometimes, I just plain blanked while people talked to me.  Auto response.  It will one day be my undoing.  I eyed the things housing the mixed formula, sitting on the odd shaped contraption.  I frowned at it.  What had she said to do at this point?  I rubbed my Kimi's back as I tried to decipher her words.  If only I could remember something beyond her confirmation about me hearing her.  I groaned.  I am useless.

The girl left her stationed post and touched the bottle.  "You need to wait for it to warm up."

I narrowed my eyes at her.  "Don't touch it."

She raised her hands in the air.  "Not touching, don't be weird.  Just had a feeling you weren't listening at all when the nurse was talking."

"What changed?" It was something which confused me, and I wanted to know.  Why had she so suddenly become so familiar with me?  Hold on... When did I remove her gag?

"Changed?"

"You are not afraid."

"Oh, that's easy.  Baby." She pointed at Kimi.  "I can't help but think you wouldn't murder me in the presence of your baby."

I frowned.  "You expect much from a monster." I felt my lips twitch upward when her eyes widened.  Fear.  I was better at dealing with people who held fear, even in smaller doses.  Well, at least I knew the reason for her change in attitude, but this reason was not useable for Shinki.  I sighed.  "I do not know what to do with you, after what you have seen."

She stiffened.  "About that, Lord Kazekage.  The reason I wanted in, my uncle..." She trailed off.

My mouth felt dry.  I wasn't sure I wanted to confront anyone who lost someone due to my actions when I was a child.  I changed the subject before she could continue.  "How do you know Shinki?"

Her brows furrowed, but the stiffness left her shoulders.  Success.  "I don't know him.  I found him last night standing outside the place and struck up a conversation.  He said he could get me in, so, I followed him."

She is an odd one.  "Trusting."

She gave a small shrug.  "Hey, got to meet the feared Kazekage though."

Feared.  Yes, the district she came from knew me best as the murderous creature who plagued their streets.  They set curfews, still in effect, because of my habits of roaming around at night.  "For you, I doubt this was an honor."

She clenched her hands into fists.  "I needed to know.  I grew up hearing the horror stories of our Kazekage before he became Kazekage.  Not a lot of people agree about having you in your position where I'm from.  I wanted to see for myself.  I wanted to understand what everyone feared, I wanted to see if there were any trace of... I don't think I was prepared for what was there though.  I don't think he was either."

I couldn't bring myself to look at her.  She must have spoken of her uncle.  So she really was one of the ones left behind by my childhood... Indiscretions.  "He never believed the rumors about me." Why was I confiding in this girl?

"Shinki?"

I didn't respond.

"How many people died in there?"

I didn't respond.  This one thing always bothered me.  I didn't know.

"Why."

I looked up to Naruto.  "Monster." One word to explain.  It was what they made me, it was what they wanted.  A perfect weapon, a defective one.

"I'm Sixteen."

I looked back to her.  I tilted my head, curious as to what she meant by it.

"You were fifteen, weren't you?  When you became Kazekage?"

I looked back to Naruto.  "Yes." Because of Naruto, I had managed to escape the lonely and maddening existence I wallowed in before.

"Why would they let you be?"  Blunt.

"They felt guilty for my existence.  My madness."

There was a moment of silence.  "Because of that place?"

"Because the previous Kazekage actively tried to kill me since I was six.  Because they continued with the order after he died.  Because they agreed to have me paired with Shukaku."  There were more reasons, more words, but none of them were more important than these.  When my words were met with a long stretch of silence I looked over to her.  The shock was still written on her face.

"You're lying."

I smiled then.  The little known reason for my madness, the council knew, some of the more elite ninja.  The general populous was blissfully unaware of my sire's actions toward me.  It left my rampages seem more unwarranted, more madness driven.  Not to say they weren't...  I took a breath and decided to explain a little further.  "I was a failed experiment which needed to be removed.  Too dangerous.  If you were witness to what I once was, you would understand why."

"The house?"

I didn't meet her eyes.  "No." If they knew what was in there, I was sure they would have upped their attempts at assassination in my youth.  I looked to my wife.  If she wasn't there the day they attacked me full force, I may have let them end me.  I was tired of fighting them, of constantly watching my back.  I hadn't fought back until Naruto had come.  _Here to save you_.  Then, the men who I thought abandoned me returned.  My first friends from my own nation.  The first who helped me in my run for Kazekage.  Back then, even with just two, it was overwhelming.  The life I had now would have been a farfetched dream to this younger self.  More than I ever deserved.  More than I still deserve.

Yumi returned to the counter touched the container of formula.  She took it out of what it was in, put some liquid on her wrist and neared me.  This time, I didn't object to her interference.  "Here, hold out your wrist."

I frowned but complied before I thought better of it.  Maybe it was because she reminded me of my wife?  I still wasn't entirely sure.  There was something more, something more familiar than I could quite pinpoint.  She tipped the thing and some liquid fell from it and soaked into the sand on my wrist.  I frowned at it.  "Why did you do that?"

"What... What happened?" She held the bottle up and looked at it.  "I was going to show you how to test it on your wrist, and what you want it to feel like, but it just disappeared..." She trailed off and looked at the bottle as though she did something wrong.

"Test it on my wrist?"  I tilted my head and she hummed in agreement.

"The best way to find out if it's too hot.  You want it just warm enough."

I concentrated on the sand surrounding my wrist and pulled it away.  It might not have been a good idea, considering I probably murdered this girl's uncle in cold blood.  However, I couldn't help the easy feeling I got from the girl to spite the logical part of my mind telling me to be weary of her.

"Whoa." Her eyes widened as the sand came away from my skin and hovered around me.  "I mean, I know about you using sand and all, I mean you gagged me with it and I watched you fly off on the stuff, but you're covered in it too?"

I shrugged.  For me, it was something quite common, easy and everyday.  The people around me rarely reacted to it anymore.  "It is part of me."

She looked at me for a minute, then cleared her throat.  "Here, like this."  She tipped it up once more and a few warm drops of liquid came into contact with my skin.

I hissed at the feel of it and drew my hand back out of reflex.  The warm drops sent a shockwave of sensation up my arm and I shook my arm to clear the feel.  The sand crashed back to my skin to protect me from the foreign feeling.

"I'm sorry!  Is it too hot?" She squeezed a few more drips onto her own wrist and frowned.

I looked away from her.  Another closely guarded secret.  "It is fine."  I cleared my own throat, feeling the heat grow in my face.  After this, I wouldn't allow the girl ever speak to anyone again.  I clenched my teeth again.  I needed to do this, get used to this new, foreign touch.  For Kimiko.

Kimi.  Another thing I may never get used to.  I sighed and pushed the sand away from my wrist again.  I held it out.  "Again."

"But-"

" _Again._ "

She gave a curt nod.  She held the bottle over my wrist, and when the drops hit, I concentrated on the feel of them.  I winced at the contact, but I had become used to touching Naruto's hand and Kimi with my bear hands.  What was one more much needed sensation?  "The temperature should be warm but not hot.  You should be able to feel the warmth, it shouldn't match your own body temp.  A pleasant warm." We locked eyes and she frowned.  "Or, an unpleasant warm, in your case."

I did my best to keep my face blank.  "Then?"

"You need to shift the baby so it's nestled in your arm so you can properly feed it."

It.  I narrowed my eyes.  "Her, she, Kimi."

"Oh." A small smile formed on Yumi's lips.  "All right then, you need to hold Kimi where you can feed her.  The bottle needs to be at an angle.  You don't want air getting through, and the tilt-"

I raised my brow at her as I moved my still fussing baby to her back, nestled in the crook of my arm.  Holding her was second nature to me now, I rarely put her down or let anyone else touch her lest I needed to do something else.

She gave a half laugh.  "Sorry, I got the lecture about proper feeding when my baby brother was born."  She hovered over us and brought the bottle down to Kimi's lips. 

Kimi pushed at it some with her tiny little hands.  Little.  It was amazing how tiny a person could be as a baby.  Was I really once this small?  Soon, the bulbous head of the bottle passed into her mouth and she calmed as she began to suck on the contents.  I sighed in relief she took to the new source of food.

"Here, you try."

I stiffened and looked up the girl.  "I... Yes." I grabbed hold of it.  Awkward.  Yet, I held it, careful to mimic what she had done.

She grabbed my hand and tilted the position some.  "Like that."

Hand.  Touch.  Skin.  Heat.  It took everything I had not to jerk away from her, and a with a shaky inhalation I forced my nerves to calm before Kimi noticed and stopped eating.  "Don't touch."

Her hand jerked back away from mine, leaving a ghost of itching sensation in their stead.  I wanted to scrub it away, but I was feeding my little daughter, so I couldn't.  "I'm sorry, I didn't realize your hands were bare."

"The sand might irritate her."  It was the truth.  I was afraid it would hurt her, and I couldn't have it.

She slumped into the chair across from me as Kimi sucked away at the bottle.  "She is taking to it well."

I looked up to her and hummed.  Would she feed for as long as she would the other way?  I wanted to ask, but couldn't bring myself to.  The girl started to look troubled.

"Why did you bring me here?"

"You were in my house."

She frowned.  "It still doesn't explain why you brought me here.  Why didn't you just kill me there?  Why didn't you kill me here?  Why are you letting me near someone obviously special to you?"

Good questions, all of them warranted, and only the last one I had asked myself.  "I never had the intention of killing you."

Her face twisted in a way I assumed to mean she thought I was lying.

"I fight every day to keep this part of me in check.  Kill only when necessary.  Work at understanding how precious life is.  Save more lives than I have taken.  It is why I wanted this in the first place.  To become something precious to another.  It is an odd dream, is it not?" Again, I questioned myself for speaking to the girl.  "Tomorrow, the reminder of what I once was will be destroyed.  Removed from history.  Do you understand?"

She didn't say another word.  Not until I put Kimi down in her bassinet after patting her back after she finished eating.  I placed my finger in her hand and she gripped onto it, even as she slept.

"You killed my uncle.  Do you even remember him?" Yumi's voice was quiet, hesitant. 

I removed my hand from Kimi's and looked over to her.  There was still something oddly familiar about her.  Something about her face.  I frowned and pushed the idea from my mind.  She seemed to be a nice girl and I didn't want to admit I only remembered the first.  _The first_.  My eyes widened.  I had forgotten about him.  The first one I brought home.  The one who started my delusion playtime.  My forced playmates.  I swallowed.  The things I had done to him were unthinkable for most, yet the proof of it would haunt me within the budgets.  There was no fixing him.  I had tried.  I had so many people try to...  My hand went to my mouth.  One.  Only one came out of that hell, and I had completely forgotten.  How many years had passed since I seen him last?  I stared at the girl.  Familiar.  It couldn't be.  Is this why she seemed oddly familiar?  Was it even possible?  What would the odds be?

Impossible.  "Well?"

"How can I remember someone when I have nothing to go by?"  My voice became hoarse as I spoke.  I stared at the girl, studying her features and began to compare my memory to her.  Be wrong.  Please, be wrong.  Just because there was a similarity...

"I have a picture." She pulled something out of her pocket then.  Folded in half.  She held it out to me.  "Please, if you even recognize him, tell me?"

I went to take it and realized my hand was shaking.  I gripped the photo, but she held it tight.

She met my eyes.  "Your past bothers you, doesn't it?"

I pulled the photograph from her hands and opened it.  The face inside...

The face inside was...

_Hey freak, how about you stop playing with that sand of yours..._


	26. Burying the Past

 

 

** Gaara **

_Age 8_

I kept myself scrunched as small as I could get while I hovered over the street on the rooftop of my neighbors home.  I'm sure they wouldn't want me there, but to be honest, I would just kill them if they interfered.  It wasn't my fault their house was at a crossroads where many people tended to walk, even at this late hour.  I just needed to wait a while longer for the streets to clear, then when there was someone alone...

I was excited for tonight.  I didn't always go hunting in my own neighborhood, the prey in this area was more feisty than most other areas I found.  Maybe because this area was made mostly of ninja, where the districts further in until one reached the center tended to have more regular prey.  I was in the mood to fight.  I wanted them to think they could survive me.  I wanted them to underestimate my abilities.  I needed blood.  They tried again today, to kill me.  It didn't work.  It never works.  It will never work.  I suppressed the chuckle which tried to rise in my throat.  I left part of them behind.  A leg I think.  Part of one.  I couldn't remember, I wasn't paying attention, not close.  It didn't matter.  There would be more, but maybe the piece of leg would serve as a repellant for a while.  Like I saw in the book at home of Yashamaru's, where people would hang the tail of something up to keep them away as an example. 

I sneered.  When I was able to get strong enough, I would hang the heads of my family on the outsides of this place.  I looked up at the towers of sandstone and smiled.  A wide, toothy smile.  Yes.  This place is surrounded entirely by sand, it would be easy for me.  All I would have to do is work at breaking it down.  Bit by bit I would create the perfect weapon.  I could bury the entire village in one swoop, then crush them.

I wasn't strong enough for such a task yet.  Too bad.  It would be fun to make them beg.  My siblings.  No Gaara, don't hurt us.  No Gaara, please I don't want to die.  No Gaara...  I couldn't stop the laugh from escaping my lips this time and one of the passersby looked up at me.  I narrowed my eyes at the vermin and it scampered away from me.

_Pathetic._

At least the creature knew it's place within the food chain around here.  There was nobody who could end me.  No, it would be me, ending them.  Watching as the blood flowed out from their bodies.  I...

_Blood, I need blood. Feed mother.  I'm hungry, won't you be a good boy and help me?  Mother loves you..._

My hand grasped at my hair as a tremble crept up through my body.  Mother.  "Yes mother.  Soon, soon I shall feed you.  Can't I play with my food first?  Wouldn't it be fun?  Shall I make it scream?"

_Mmm, I love when they scream.  Let's make them scream.  Then I want blood.  Give me blood?  So warm._

"Yes, I want it too, Mother.  Soon, I will bathe in blood and feed you.  It will be delicious mother, I will give you so much blood."

_Gaara, such a good boy, feed mother.  I want blood.  So much blood.  Feed me, Gaara?  For Mother?_

Yes, I need blood.  For mother.  Mother loves me, I need to give her blood.  This place would take too long.  Maybe the alley behind this house?  Yes, maybe I could get someone in there, and I could feed mother before she became angry.  It hurt whenever she became angry, inside my head.  The roar was enormous, I couldn't stand it, the thing inside me.  She would let it out if I didn't feed her.  She would let me fall asleep and the thing inside of me would come back out.  I hate the thing.  The Shukaku.  It would end me as well if it had the chance to, and I would never let such a thing happen.  Never.  Didn't I deserve life?  Didn't I deserve to exist?  I needed the blood to confirm it.  I needed to hear them scream to ensure I was alive myself. 

I jumped down into the alley and pressed myself against the wall.  My heart beat wildly in my chest.  It was always exciting just before a kill.  I neared the edge and pressed my fingers to my eye.  Soon, I could see myself and I moved the small ball of seeing eye sand towards the edge.  Now, I would wait.  It didn't take long for someone alone to wander near.  They were near the walls, near the alley and I watched from around the corner, gathering my sand, ready to strike.  Step.  Step.  Step.  Inches closer.  Feet closer.  The sand rose in tendrils up the wall.  I raised my hand and...

With a swift flick of my wrist, I lashed out.  First, I grabbed the creature by the mouth, keeping it from making a sound while I carried it into the empty alley.  It struggled against me, the muffled screams making me only more hungry for blood.  Kill.  I needed to kill this thing.  "Come on, scream for me, let me hear you die, hmm?"

I released the thing's mouth and shoved a small spike of sand into it's side.  A long, pained scream came from it.  I let the spike soak in the blood it released with the hole I made.  "Please, please, I-"

I laughed and drove another spike into it's body.  "No, I want you to scream.  Begging will only make it drag out more.  Do you want to live longer?  Of course.  Yes.  I want you to scream.  Scream."  I pulled some sand together and wrapped it around their legs.  Then, with a small squeeze, I crushed them.  "Yes.  Give me your blood.  See, Mother?  Do you feel it?  It's so warm.  So very warm." I smiled at my screaming prey.  "It isn't enough.  We need more.  Give us more."  I wrapped the rest of it up in sand and with a small motion, it was gone.  Blood seeped out of my sand and fell to the ground.  I rushed it back to me.  "Feel it?  So warm."

_More.  I need more.  Give me more.  You spilled some, not all of it's blood is mine._

"More." I looked back out to the street.  There would be someone else to pass by.  There had to be.  The street outside had become bare while I killed my last victim.  The screams probably bled out into the main street, I wasn't careful enough.  I scoffed.  If I were to get someone new, I would need to move.  I was about to jump back up on the roof when I heard footsteps.  I smiled as I looked back out to the street.  Someone was running down the street.  How stupid of them.  I readied my sand, ready for their pace.  This time, I wasn't going to have any pretenses of hiding.  I would just reach out and grab them.  I didn't care if anyone could see me while I did.  It didn't take long for them to get close enough for me to grab them.  I snaked the sand around their waist and threw it into the alley.  I stood, arms crossed, my back as straight as I could manage.  "Look a new play thing wandered into my trap."

The thing narrowed it's eyes.  "Gaara isn't it?  Never seen you with my own eyes."  Boy.  A teenager I think.

I wrapped my sand around him and squeezed.  Only a little.  Fear.  I wanted him to feel the fear.  I needed him to scream, I needed him to beg me to-

"Hey freak, how about you stop playing with that sand of yours and kill me like a ninja." _Freak._

"What did you say?"

He chuckled.  "Freak, 'cause that's what you are.  A freak."

I sent a spike of sand through his shoulder, but there was no sound.  I frowned.  I did it again, yet there was still nothing.  "Scream!  Why won't you scream?"

He laughed.  He dared laugh at me. 

"Shut up!" I slammed him against the wall, but it only made him laugh harder.  "I said shut up." Slam.  Slam. Soon, he was still.  _Come on, stop playing and feed Mother._   He was still alive.  I moved the sand around him and... I couldn't.  No.  It wasn't right.  He wasn't screaming, he wasn't begging.  Why wasn't he begging?  They always did one or the other.  Both.  But...  "Not yet.  I need to play more with him."  I knelt down next to him and poked him with a stick I made out of my sand.  He didn't move.  It wouldn't be any fun if I just killed him without him being awake to feel it, now would it?  I sighed.  There was no way around it.  I was taking dinner home with me tonight.

.*.               .*.               .*.

_Age 35_

I crumpled the photograph inside of my hands.  "Get out."  I felt my entire body start to tremble and I felt thankful I'd already put Kimi into her bassinet.  My heart began to race as memories flooded into my mind.  _Him._

"What?  Lord Kazekage, I-"

I didn't want to listen to her voice, her all too familiar face, her-  I grabbed her with my sand, opened the door from where I sat and tossed her out of my door.  If she didn't land on her feet, it was not my problem.  Her own fault.  She shouldn't have shown me this.  She should not have been here.  She should never have gone into the house.  I breathed deep through my nose.  Calm down.  I knew there would be a day I might have to face someone from my past, but this?  I stared at the balled photo in my hand.  I never thought I would ever find his people.  His precious things.  He never told me his name, and I removed the ability for him to tell me before I could ever bring myself to care.  Tomorrow, after the demolition, there was something else I should do.  I looked over to my wife and made my way over to her.  I grabbed her hand and placed the photo in her unmoving palm.  "Naruto, if you knew everything about my past, would you still want to be near me?  I can't help but wonder."  I closed her fingers around the photo.  "There... There is one person.  One person I could ask.  Do you think she will hate me if I do?  Would it matter?  Do you think she will expose me?  Or... Or will she feels she owes you enough to do as I ask?"  Why was I talking to her in questions when I knew she wouldn't respond to me?

I kissed her hand and moved to my desk.  I took a piece of stationary out and began a letter.  It was time to ask for help beyond the capabilities of Suna, and there was only one other I knew who could outmatch Kimiko in healing.  I bit the inside of my cheek. 

For Naruto.  For the sake of my relationship with my son, and my daughter.  I needed to do this.

==

Sakura,

When my wife wakes, I would like you to come to Suna for an examination since you are familiar with her unique composition.  I also have another favor to ask, but in strict confidence which I will reveal once you arrive in Suna.  It is a severe case, one which has had no resolve in nearly thirty years.  I appreciate if you decide to help, in any way possible.

Regards,

==

I stared at the paper.  How should I sign this?  In a way, Sakura was a friend.  She was close to my wife, very close.  Should I give my title, or should I sign with my name?  I groaned and ended it with nothing.  I folded the paper, knowing the person sending it would be named on the outside package I had it delivered in.  It wasn't an overly important matter, but a personal one.  One I've kept hidden from almost everyone.

Even Temari and Kankuro didn't know about this.  I swallowed as I rolled up the paper and put it into a small tube.  Unforgivable.  What I did to him was unforgivable.  I held onto the little tube as tight as I could.  If I sent this, it would reveal my secret.  The one even worse than my house.  The full proof of my monstrous childhood.  Was I willing to give up this secret in order to move forward?

This was something I should have asked her to do years ago, honestly.  Even now, I am too selfish for my own good.  If the girl hadn't brought the picture, if she hadn't reminded me of him, he likely would rot away in the room I housed him in until his body gave out entirely.  I sighed.  This was the right thing.  I stood up and left my room, still holding onto the little tube in a death grip.  Now or never.  I descended the stairs to the kitchen.  I ignored the other people in the room and locked eyes with Kankuro.  "Kankuro, send this to Sakura as soon as possible.  I am asking her to come when Naruto wakes up."

"Isn't that the Hokage's name?" The innocent voice penetrated through.

I winced.  Was yumi still here?  Hadn't I told her to leave?  "I thought I told you to get out."

She frowned at me.  "I thought you meant from the room."

I groaned and looked around the room to see if Shinki was also there, but it was only Kankuro, Yumi and my nephew. 

"Hey Uncle Gaara, where did you pick this one up?" Shikadai tossed his thumb over his shoulder towards Yumi and I used my sand to undo his hairband.  He screeched and I smirked at him.  He grabbed at his hair and glared at me.  "Why are you always so weird?" He turned and headed up the stairs, probably to get himself something to tie his hair back with.

"Nice save, but not the best way to get on better terms with him, you know." He reached over and took the little tube from me.

I gave a small shrug and slumped into one of the chairs.  "He's preferred you since he started to go to school anyway."

He twirled the message around in his hand.  "Probably because you smothered him anytime you were around."

I tilted my head at him.  "He is my nephew.  Temari made him.  Is it wrong of me to ask of all of his developments while I do not see him?"

"And this is why he avoids you." He raised a hand.  "Anyway, see ya.  I'll go deliver this and warn the council the demolition is set for tomorrow.  Might be a few hours."

I gave him a nod and turned my attention to the girl sitting across from me after he disappeared out the door.

"I can't leave without the picture."

I stared at her.  "The picture is mine now, you will have to."

"What did you do with it?"

I didn't answer her and averted my eyes.  Now I knew the connection, I couldn't see anything but the boy in her.  "You look like your uncle."

She hummed.  "I don't think so."  There was a moment of silence.  "You remember him then?"

"Does it matter to you?"

"Yes."

I looked back to her and into her eyes, searching for something.  What, I wasn't sure on.  Her eyes were similar to his.  Mostly brown, but with flecks of green mixed in.  Fearless.  Like him.  I felt sick.  I shifted my eyes so I didn't have to look at her anymore.  I gave a small hum.  Let her take it how she will, I didn't care.  "What was his name?" My voice was low, barely above a whisper.  I didn't want to ask.  I had to ask.  I needed to know.  Something to move him away from my nameless first.

She scoffed.  "Does it matter to you?"

I stiffened.  I didn't need to deal with this.  I felt the urge to just swallow her whole, devour her in my sand.  Bleed out her life, make her part of my sand.  There was nobody here.  I could do it.  Nobody would be the wiser.  A shiver run down my spine.  I let the desire show on my face.  This thing which plagued me.  This need.  This desire to feel blood, mix it in with my sand and encase myself in it.  It never went away.

In a way, I never want it to.  There is something very wrong with me.

The chair she was sitting in clattered to the floor.  "Right.  I should leave."  She fled down the stairs and I made no move to stop her.  I brought my hand to my face and pushed my lips back down.  Smile.  For me, a wide smile meant something beyond happy.  It was madness, something I never wanted to indulge in again.  I leaned back and looked up to the ceiling.  I studied the plain white texture and remembered.  Remembered the things I wanted so desperately to forget.

.*.               .*.               .*.

_Age 8_

I stared at him.  He sat on my couch, glaring at me.  He hadn't spoken a word since he woke, and I debated on how to kill him.  I never brought anyone home with me before, so what should I do?  I rarely talked to anyone, let alone had a guest in my home.  Not since-  _Please die._   Uncle's voice echoed in my head as I grit my teeth and tossed him from the couch.  I hate this room.  This room, we would play games.  He would read me stories and...

I hadn't listened to a story in some time.  I narrowed my eyes at him.  Maybe I wouldn't kill him just yet.  "Can you read?"

His eyes widened at my question.  "Well, yeah.  Can't you?" 

I growled at him.  Kill him.  I should kill him.  "Don't ask me questions."  I grabbed hold of him and started to move him up the stairs with sand.  "Talk, only when I say to talk.  Do what I ask, and maybe I will let you live a few days."

"That seems fulfilling."

I punched some of the sand encasing him through his leg.  The only sound he made was a quiet, deep inhale.  No scream, no cries.  Nothing.  I dislike this person.  Once to the top of the stairs, I tossed him in the room across from mine.  Uncle's room, when he stayed.  "Yashamaru..." I grabbed at my chest as the deep painful throb in my heart started.  I didn't want to remember it.  I hate him.  I didn't need anything but me, why was this person here?  I tossed him again, this time onto the bed and held him down with sand bindings.  I walked to the bookshelf in the room and tossed the thing at him.  I stood next to the bed.  "Read it.  Out loud."

He frowned at me, but complied.  The words were oddly soothing, though I didn't really pay attention.  What was I going to do with this boy?  I had no idea...

.*.               .*.               .*.

_Age 35_

I sat in a chair near my sister's bed.  There was an annoying man sleeping next to her, but I was relieved I had come in when they were already sleeping.  There was only a few more hours before I woke everyone up and kidnapped Kankuro to demolish my old residence.  After the girl left, and I was alone, I scouted the perfect place to take the place for the destruction of it.  I sighed and leaned back into the chair.  I was bored.  There still was no change in Naruto.  I had spent the past month sitting next to her bed, willing her to wake up, and it was beginning to depress me nothing was changing at all.  I should be happy she was at least alive.  Alive.

The man next to Temari shifted and draped his arm over her waist.  I gently moved the arm off of her.  Not in my house, not even in his sleep would I let him take advantage.  I stood and paced the floor.  It was still hard for me to fully comprehend it.  Relationships.  I had worked hard on building them with my family, and still I failed miserably at every aspect of it.  Then, enter Naruto.  My best friend turned beautiful wife, I had no idea how I was going to handle it.  She would come to hate me over time, I knew it.  I'm not exactly an easy person to be around.  I never sleep, I work constantly and I don't handle... Everything human well.

It was no use being here.  Why was I here anyway?  I left my sister's room in a huff.  Back up the stairs.  So many stairs.  I froze midway.  I gripped the banister.  A house.  Could I build a house in place of the house which once stood there?  It was still my property, and the sideways glances never bother me.  I deserve them, especially there.  Could I build a nice, large family home in place of the abomination I was about to tear down?  I could dig my tunnel in secret, to the place within the cliffs.

Could I raise a family there?  Among those people who I once tortured with my presence?  Would they be safe there?  I could always hire a few guards to ensure their safety when I wasn't around...  How many children could I fill those walls with?  Once I was able to wake up my wife, and spread her... Oh dang.  My stomach twisted and I crumpled to my knees as indecent images of my wife flooded my mind.  This would never do.  Coma.  Naruto is in a coma, stop being so strange, Gaara.  I felt my shoulders tense.  Everyone was asleep, so I would be able to hide this well.  Hide...

Hide this painful reaction.  My groin began to throb.  Self medication.  I could... I could do this, couldn't I?  The sand on my face cracked, traveling down my neck as I went into my room, then my private bath.  I locked the door behind me.  Was I really going to be doing this?  It's unnatural.  This annoying feeling was unnatural.  "Vulgar."  I spoke the word to myself as I forced the sand away from my tender areas.  I sunk down to the floor and removed the sand from my hands.  I let out a shaky breath and cleared my mind.  Inside my mind, I pictured Naruto behind me on the bed, telling me what to do.

The ghost of her voice returned, telling me to grab hold of myself and... I followed, a gasp, an arch of my back as a sharp, intense sensation shocked through my body at the touch.  Massage it, like she said, and...

My body shuddered, my mind went blank and I fought to catch my breath.  The skin beneath my fingers twitched and began to soften.  I released myself and as my mind began to clear I noticed a strange substance on the floor.  My body produced this while I... While I...  I touched it and grimaced at the feel.  Strange.  I used my sand to wipe away the liquid my body released from me, starting with my fingers.  What was this stuff?  What just happened?  Did this stuff secrete from my body every time I felt like this?

Disgusting.  Vulgar.  I swallowed.  Maybe I should read more on this whole 'sex' situation.  Once I married her, I wanted no surprises when it came to my own body.  My lack of knowledge was embarrassing, especially now my body decided to work in such a way.  I carefully encased myself back in sand, wincing slightly at the pressure on my groin.  My legs felt a little wobbly as I stood, opened the door and looked back to my Naruto.  A warmth flooded my chest as I looked at her still form.  I went to her, grabbed her hand.  I flinched as I heard a rustle within her hand and plucked the offensive thing back out of it.  I tossed it to the trash, then caught it with my sand as it reached it's destination.

No.  I should remember.  It was better to remember, wasn't it?  I brought the picture back to me, and carefully uncrumpled it.  Wait.  The back.  In messy handwriting was a name.  _Nobuo, age 11_   I crumpled the thing back up.  Nobuo?  He was only eleven when I... No.  I shouldn't think about it.  _If you're going to kill me, shouldn't you learn to read yourself?_ I was thinking about it.  I groaned.  So many years.  I had stolen so many things from him, but time is the one thing I would never be able to fix, even if I were able to fix everything else.  I encased the photo in sand and destroyed it.  "Nobuo."  Wouldn't he be surprised I learned his name, after so many years?

.*.               .*.               .*.

_Age 9_

"What is this letter?  The one with the loops?" I maneuvered the sand to pierce the girl's abdomen who was tied to the guest bed and shivered with the thrill of her scream.

"Must you do that while learning to read?  It's disturbing." He looked bored with it now.  The screams of my victims were common now, something even he had become used to.  He still wouldn't look at them unless I forced him to watch.  His expression of horrified disgust as I murdered another in front of him the most reaction I would ever seem to get out of him.  It annoyed me, so I kept him alive.  Also, I hadn't fully grasped everything I needed to read on my own yet.

I twisted the sand inside of the girl.  "Mmm, she screams so well, don't you think?"

"How are you going to learn anything when you are distracted?"

I narrowed my eyes at him.  "I did not give you permission to talk to me other than teaching me."  I used my sand to put pressure on his broken leg to emphasize my meaning.

"Then try to learn." He glared at me.  Annoying.

"You annoy me.  We will continue tomorrow."

He groaned.  I knew he was ready to die, but because of his willingness to die, I wouldn't let him.  Not yet.  No, instead... I stood and neared the whimpering girl.  "Don't-" He clasped his hands over his mouth the moment it came out.

I looked over my shoulder at him.  Yes.  This was the only way to torture this victim.  "Want to watch me play?"

His eyes widened as I grabbed the barbed chains from the wall.  Tools.  They were so much more brutal than my sand, required less concentration and always gave me the screams I so craved. 

I leaned in next to the girl's ear.  "You should thank your friend here, I am going to enjoy removing your legs today." I ignored her whimpering pleas, her screams as I wrapped the chains around her thighs.  "I wonder, how long it will take to remove them with these?  I've never tried before.  I want to play."  With this I gripped the chains with my sand and rocked them on her body, laughing as her screams echoed within the room.  "Yes, prove my existence more, give me your life, give it all to me." 

.*.               .*.      .         .*.

_Age 35_

Girl.  Boy.  Man.  Woman.  After a while I didn't even take note of even this.  In a way, Nobuo created the monster within the house, but I would never hold him responsible.  It was because of him I went so far.  I wanted to see him suffer, and he never reacted to my tortures, but would react to what I did to others.  It was the only way to get a reaction out of him.  The only way.  How long had I kept him there?  How many deaths had he been witness to?  I looked out the window, grateful for the morning sun.  It was time.  Time to erase this madness.

My body felt stiff as I rose from my chair and placed little Kimi back into her bassinet.  I froze.  How long had I been holding her?  Where has my mind been?  This has been a long night.  Week.  Month.  Year.  Yes, a long year.  This all started less than a year ago, it was hard to believe.  I stalled at my son's room.  Shinki.  Would he talk to me?  I bit the inside of my cheek and rapped the back of my knuckles on his door.  Nothing.  "Shinki?"  I knocked again.

The door creaked open.  I pushed it to see inside and noticed he was in the room, but was not facing the door.  Dark sand retracted to him from the door.

I swallowed.  "I will be leaving, will you watch Kimi?"

He only shifted in response. 

I walked up behind him.  I hesitated my hand over his shoulder as I contemplated how to fix this.  I never lied about my past, but I never explained it either.  I never wanted him to know the side of me the world feared.  The side I worked so hard at burying in the past, never to be seen again.  The side I knew would be fighting for precedence for the rest of my life.

"Don't."

I retracted my hand and took a step back.

"You shouldn't be in here, Lord Kazekage.  Shouldn't you be out hiding things about yourself right now?  Isn't it what you are about to do?  Destroy that place?" He looked over his shoulder.  His eyes were cold and it made my heart hurt.

I grabbed the fabric there, over my chest and averted my eyes.  I turned from him.  I shouldn't have come.  I should have let him be.  I stiffened my back and walked out of the room, then down the hall, down the stairs and out of the door.  I gathered the sand beneath my feet and propelled myself forward, to my house.  I didn't think the entire way.  I just let the sand carry me.  Then, I was face to face with the thing which plagued me so.  This house.  These memories.  The screams which echoed through my mind.  I gathered the sand I had prepared in the night and encased the place.  I lifted it off of it's foundation and moved it beyond the protective walls of Suna, to the desert.  To the place all this would fade away into nothing more than grains of sand and memory.  I clenched my fist, and with a great booming sound of crushed wood, the building become nothing more than splinters of wood and red sand.  I waved my arm and crushed it further into the desert floor, breaking it down further, scattering what remained of the place.  Then again.  And again.

Crash.

Crash.

Waves of sand tore the memories apart, the evidence, what once had been my corrupted existence.  I kept at it, even after everything was gone, I kept the sand crashing in on itself, mixing it up with the things around.  It wasn't enough.  It would never be gone.  Not these memories.  Not this feeling of remorse.  Not this guilt.  It would never go away, it would never be gone.  My fault.  Everything was my fault. 

I screamed and fell to the sand beneath me, landing in the cleared landscape I had created.  I wrapped my arms around myself and doubled over.  I was alone.  I deserved to be alone.  I shouldn't be allowed happiness, but why would fate harm Naruto?  Was it because she loved me?  Was Naruto not allowed happiness because I...

I sobbed, letting my tears soak the minuscule remnants of my childhood.

Tears, to mix with the blood, the ground down pieces of body.

Maybe there was hope for me after all.

To feel, to cry, over those I did not know.

They deserved more.

More than this.

Just... _More_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note
> 
> Hey everyone!  I know, I know, Naruto is still out like a light.  Don't worry, she will wake up eventually, she won't be in a coma for the rest of the series, I promise (It wouldn't exactly be a romance if this was the case, would it now?  At least, not a healthy one...)  Also, family drama!  Why do I like torturing these two so much?  I'm terrible.  Thank you for reading!  I hoped you liked the glimpse into Gaara's childhood as much as I liked writing it.  I really want to get to the point where Naruto wakes up, so I might just alter my chapters between Inheritants and this just so I can get to it faster lol.
> 
> As always, reviews/comments serve to inspire.  <3


	27. Burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!  Another chapter for you.  I'm super excited to get to the next chapter, it's one I've been impatiently waiting to write since the beginning of Sand lol.  Anyway, I hope you enjoy this one :D
> 
> As always, reviews/comments serve to inspire.  ^-^

 

 

** Gaara **

My shoulders burned from the heat even though I was back in my room.  I hadn't moved, and in all honesty, I didn't even know how I ended back up here.  Last I remembered, before my room, was sitting out in the desert wishing I could just bake in the desert sun and nobody would be the wiser.  Then, here.  The memories were worse somehow, as though by destroying the house transferred the horror more prominently in my mind.  After Nobuo, the victims endured more.  I kept them alive longer, experimented on how long I could prolong their life before they succumbed to either their injuries or their will to live simply gave way.  This happened only once.  There was no reason for them to die, they just... Died.  Stopped breathing, stopped caring. 

Yet...

I grabbed the fabric over my chest.  What made the council think it was fine for me to become Kazekage?  Even without what happened within the house, there were thousands of reasons why I should never have become what I am today.  I'm grateful for the opportunity, I enjoy this life and I gave it for the people I served once, but was it enough?  Could it ever be enough?  Was it even possible?  Not when those thousands of reasons had names, and I only could remember one of them, and it is more because he was still alive.  He was the first.  It is always easy to remember firsts.  My first conscious death was my uncle, anything before had been an accident.  I hadn't meant to, it just... Happened.  I hated it back then, didn't understand it.  Didn't understand pain, what it felt like.

My shoulders hurt and I felt stiff.  Actually, my back and thighs hurt quite a bit as well.  A lot.  Probably from being still so long.  I sighed when I heard a small cry penetrate my mind.  I opened my eyes to see my son, hovering over the bassinet.  My eyes widened at the sight.  "Shinki?"  How long had he been here?

His back straightened out at my voice and I realized it may have been better if I hadn't said anything at all.  He looked over his shoulder at me.  "You should rest.  I will take care of Kimi while you heal."

Heal?  "I'm fine."  I went to stand and pain shot down through my shoulders, down my spine, and into my legs.  What?  What in the world was wrong with me?

Shinki gave a muffled laugh.  "Sunburn.  A very bad one.  Serves you right, after going off by yourself like that.  Scared the hell out of Uncle Kankuro.  Aunt Temari too."

I stared at him blankly for a minute.  Talking to me.  He was talking to me?  Finally, it registered what he said.  "Sunburn?"

He plucked Kimi out of her bassinet and walked over to me.  He kneeled down to my spot on the floor and stared at me with a blank expression.  I returned the look he gave me then he reached out and pressed a single finger to my shoulder.

I hissed out from the stabbing pain from where his finger touched.  "You nearly baked yourself to death.  They did an IV and you didn't even seem to notice.  You just kept staring off into space.  You don't even have your shield on."

I... I let it fall?  When?

"Were you trying to kill yourself?  I'd never forgive you for it."  He pressed his finger into my shoulder a bit more.  "Not to mention, who would raise Kimi here?  Also, when Naruto wakes the hell up, how would she take to losing the thing she went through all this for?"  He stood up.  I had no answer.  I didn't remember any of this.  I needed to explain to him what I've done.  I needed to tell him about me.  My problems.  Why I hid everything, why-  "I'm going downstairs to let Aunt Temari know your with it." He turned from me and left before I could muster the courage to stop him.

I felt both hot and cold.  I grit my teeth as I brought a hand to my chest and realized I was not wearing anything on my torso.  I had an IV?  How long had I been back?  What happened?  I looked over to Naruto, who still was laying in the bed, the monitor happily beeping away reminding me she was alive, tubes connecting to her body to ensure proper nutrients were fed into her, wires to ensure her body was still working the way it was supposed to be.  Mostly.  It would be better if she just woke up.  I looked down at my hands.  Well, maybe after I healed some.  Shinki was right, she wouldn't take my death well, would she?  Even if my suicide attempt was unconscious, I obviously had tried to literally bake myself in the desert sun.

"Gaara?"  I looked up to Temari, who came into the room with a large plant.

"You brought my aloe plant?" I frowned at her.  "It isn't for topical use, Temari.  I've had it for over ten years I don't want you injuring it."

"You care more about your stupid plants than you do yourself.  One leaf from this thing won't hurt it, and you need it.  Unless you want to keep cooking because then I will let you just sit here and damn well suffer.  Jerk."  She dropped the plant in front of me and I barely caught it with my sand.

"Careful."  I winced, knowing my action just proved what she just said.  Then I stiffened.  "I haven't been down to horticulture room..." In months.  What have I been thinking?

"I thought it was weird there were a few dead plants in there."

I squeaked and immediately regretted trying to get up.  "Which ones?"

"Don't move, I was kidding.  Can't you take a joke."

I glared at her.  "The well-being of my cacti is not a laughing matter."  I winced when she sliced a leaf off of the aloe tree.  "Must you use _my_ aloe for this?"

She paused.  "You want me to go out and ask for a bunch of aloe for you?  Do you want me to explain what exactly you were doing out in the middle of the desert with nothing on but your pants?"

I averted my eyes from her.  "Get on with it then."

She chuckled softly and took the blade down the edges of the leaf, cutting away the sides, then through the center.  She scraped the gooey insides of my precious aloe leaf into a bowl and discarded the leaf's dismembered body into the trash.

She moved behind me and sighed.  "When you were young, you could bathe yourself in blood, and you wince at the death of a leaf.  Not a plant, but part of one."

I clenched my teeth.  "Put on my ointment, then leave."

"Gaara..." She trailed off and a cold shock hit the bare painful skin of my shoulders.  Hands followed and it was everything I could do not to shove them away from me.

"Quickly."  I clenched my hands into the fabric of my pants as her hands applied more of my decimated aloe tree onto my burned skin.  The sand always protected me, the clothes always gave an extra layer.  I had never been burned by the heat of the sun before this, so why would have I done this?  Where was my mind?  "I..."  I can say it.  I wanted advice.  "I don't remember what happened."

In silence, I endured the touch of hands.  This was nothing like Naruto's touch.  It was disgusting, even from my sister, whose touch was more bearable than most others.  Hands on my back, to my sides, to the top of my arms, then my face.  She stood, went to my private bath and I heard the water turn on.  Did she ignore my question?  So it wasn't a question, not really.  It was an implied one, had she been gone so long she was no longer used to the way I did things?  Was she angry with me?  Why would she be, when she was the one who misnamed my Kimi?  Had Shinki mentioned what was inside my house?

I felt cold.  Was this it?  Did she find out about the extent I went when I was young?  Bathe... Bathe myself in blood.  It was what she just said, had she meant it literally?  Did she know how truthful this statement was?

Would I lose her as well?  Lose her to my past, the me who I hate, who would have happily rid himself of both Kankuro and Temari if given the full chance.  I forced myself to my feet.  My skin was tight, the aloe only lessened the pain to a more tolerable level, but I pushed forward.  To the bathroom.  "Temari."  I gripped the frame of the door.  "Inside my old house, the things I did.  Don't hate me for them.  Don't..."  I couldn't bring myself to look at her.

"You scared me Gaara." Her voice was soft, worn.

"How?"  I tightened my grip on the door and I studied the grain in the wood beneath my fingers.

"You were gone for over a day, you ass.  We had to use Junji in order to find you, and you were without your shields, unconscious in the middle of the damn desert.  The hell?  What were you doing out there?"

"My old house."

"Why didn't you bring anyone with you?  You can't just go do this shit by yourself.  Not by yourself." I heard a soft thud and I forced myself to look inside the bathroom.  She was on her knees, not far from me.  "I can't lose you again."  She grabbed hold of my pant leg.

"Temari?"

"I had to do it once.  I remember.  I remember what you looked like on the ground before they revived you.  I know what you've done, but I don't care."  She brought her eyes up to meet my own and the tears glistening in her eyes made me take a small step backward.  "I.  Don't.  Care.  I don't care if you dismembered people when you were young, I don't care if you lured them back into your home to drain their blood into your bathtub, I don't care."  With every word her face contorted further into anger.  "Do you hear me, Gaara?  I don't care."

I couldn't respond at first.  How could I?  Not care?  It was a lie.  "Do not lie to me, Temari."

"I'm not."

"They had names.  I don't know a single one.  Not one.  I don't even remember their faces, what they looked like, I don't even remember what gender most of them were.  There were just things I used to give myself a meaning, a purpose to living.  Nothing more than things, nothing I-" I groaned as her finger poked into my shoulder.

"I think the one who cares is you."

I froze.  Me?  "Why would I care?"

She let go of my pants and stood back up.  "Beats me, but if you attempt another stunt like that again, I will kill you myself, got it?"

I hummed and turned away from her.  I sat down next to Naruto.  "Do you think it will be much longer?"  I was no longer in the mood to talk about my past, the things I've done.  What mattered was the future, with Naruto.  With Kimi.  With the possible other children I could create inside of her body.

"For your sake, I hope it won't be."

I sighed and watched her, careful not to lean back into the chair.

When Temari left, I had no idea.

I didn't care.

If I told myself this enough, maybe it would be true.

"Nobuo..."

.*.               .*.               .*.

"Lord Kazekage?"  The guard to the room I rarely ventured showed signs of surprise.  I couldn't blame him, it had been years since I had come here. 

I swallowed, doing my best to keep my back stiff so the rough fabric of my clothes didn't put much pressure on my tender skin.  "I desire access to this room."  It took me a few days to gather the courage to come and the resolve to place my sand armor back on my face.  I wanted it off, but not until I was alone.  I crossed my arms, careful not to reveal the pain I was in.  Subordinates had no need to know of my private life.  "I have not received any reports on the patient's development in many years, and I would like to observe first-hand what the funds I have allocated to this person have gone towards.  Let me in."  I was in no mood to discuss my full reasons.  None of the workers knew where I had picked him up, didn't know I was the cause of his misfortune.

"Yes, Lord Kazekage." He turned and performed a series of knocks, and then the sounds of bars sliding on stone was heard.  There was a resounding clank and then the door behind him moved to reveal another guard.  "Lord Kazekage wishes to inspect the patient."

The new guard inspected me with his eyes, then gave a slow nod.  "Yes, Lord Kazekage, this way."  He turned from me and walked down a narrow corridor to another room, then also performed a series of knocks.

This time, the door was unlocked and opened by a nurse.  "Yes, what is it?" He looked annoyed, then spotted me.  His eyes widened and he took a step back.  "Lord Kazekage?  What brings you here?"

"There have been no reports of progress in many years.  It slipped my mind until recently."  I turned back to the current guard.  "You may go back to your post.  This matter does not concern you."

He gave a curt bow.  "Yes my lord." He turned and closed the door behind me.

I studied the boy in front of me.  "I don't recall approving of a transference of nurses.  How long have you been here?"

"I've... I've been stationed here since I graduated.  My mother was the leading nurse on this project and specifically requested I join her.  I am working on regenerative rehabilitation as my specialty."

"Regenerative rehabilitation?" I turned from him and headed towards the sound of the beeping heart monitor.

"Um, yes.  I had a friend who is paralyzed, and I thought-"

"You desire to find a cure?"  I avoided the sight of the bed and looked behind me to gauge his reaction.

"I will find a cure.  It is only a matter of time.  It's why this is the perfect place for me to work on a cure.  I've already made some progress, come, I will show you."  He brushed past me and grabbed the hand of the man inside the bed.  Nobuo.  Not boy, not man, but Nobuo.  The boy looked down at him.  "Alright, like before.  You can do it, I know you can."

A soft moan came from the bed, then, remarkably, his index finger twitched.  "He moved." 

The boy beamed.  "Yes, it's more than he could do a couple months ago.  My cell therapy technique is working, even if only on a small scale.  It gives me hope it will only be a matter of time before I get him to move fully, even regain his full mobility, given enough time.  Don't you think so?"

I stared.  Full mobility.  "I have a doctor coming here from Konoha.  She is the best I know.  I know she will want to lend her expertise in the matter once she learns of the magnitude."

"A... A rival doctor?" The boy frowned.  He didn't fear me, instead seemed to hold his position and research at more of a distinct level than social priorities.

"I will allow you to study what she does if you would like.  Your passion towards medicine and healing are obvious.  You may be an asset to Suna in the future.  Tell me, what is your name?"

"Hiroshi.  I live in the north district, past the gate."

I froze.  My old town.  "Do you know a girl named Yumi?"

He scoffed.  "I do not associate myself with her kind, Lord Kazekage.  I find it amazing they haven't been executed for all their treasonous ideologies."

I narrowed my eyes at him.  "Her kind?  Whether they-" I bit my tongue.  No.  This boy didn't need to hear my opinion on it.  "Thank you for your support.  I would like to be alone with him."

"But-"

"It is best you leave until I exit the room."

He bowed and made his leave.

When the door clicked shut I gave a sigh.  I looked down at the man in the bed.  "Seems this boy wants to heal you.  Perhaps, between Sakura and him, you will be able to walk again."  I took a deep breath and dragged over a chair from the far corner of the room and sat down next to him.  Dark eyes were averted, purposely ignoring my presence.  "Look at me."

Eyes moved towards me in an otherwise still form and narrowed.

"You don't need to give me such a lecture.  It has been years, I know."

The eyes moved away from me.

I watched him a moment, took a deep breath and... "Nobuo."

His eyes locked on me in an instant.  Wider than before, the heart monitor sped up.

"I am right then."  I sighed and slumped in the chair a bit.  "I thought I was, but I needed to be sure.  So, you finally have a name."

A slight wrinkle formed on his brow.

"Don't worry, I have no ill intentions toward your family.  Didn't you believe me when I told you last time I would never harm them?"

His eyes darted back in forth in answer.

I sighed.  "Of course, you of all people wouldn't believe me."  He could move his finger but... I made a tiny needle from sand and poked the tip of his finger with it.  It was dull so as not to break the skin, but his eyes widened.  "You felt it?"

He looked back at me.  He blinked then he looked up, then down.  Yes.

"Then, there is hope."  I leaned back, winced and leaned back forward and noticed him studying me from the corner of his eye.  "Sunburn.  I just destroyed my childhood home.  It is part of the desert now."  I took a deep breath and studied his face.  _It's been over a year.  If I didn't know any better, I would say you liked me._ His voice echoed inside my mind and I clenched my fist.  "You know, you pissed me off back then.  When you said what you did.  Like you?  You honestly think I had the capability?  Were you trying to get me to kill you?"  I looked into the eyes staring at me.  There would be no way to get an answer.  Not now.  I sighed when his eyes moved away from me.  I took a book out from my coat.  It was only fair.  "I brought a book with me.  Would you like me to read to you?" 

Once again, his eyes darted back to me, the small wrinkle on his forehead showing.  Confused?  I wouldn't blame him.

I opened the book, and began to read.

.*.               .*.               .*.

_Age 9_

I sat cross-legged on the vermin's bed staring down at the pages of whatever book I randomly plucked from my bookshelf earlier in the day.  I groaned.  "No use, this isn't a word."

"If it wasn't a word, it wouldn't be printed there." He looked annoyed, but it didn't matter.  "Try sounding it out."

I groaned.  "I don't need this."

"You're the one who wanted to read."

I glared at him, the sand on the floor agitated in accordance to my mood.  Whether or not I did this, it didn't matter to the vermin.  Not in the slightest.  "Fine."  I stared down at the letters.  Alright.  _I can do this_.  I narrowed my eyes at the letters.  "Is... Is-th.."  I took a breath.  "Mus."  I wrinkled my nose.  This was definitely not a word.  "Isth-"  I frowned and looked to him when I heard a small laugh come out of him.  I shoved him off of the bed with sand.

There was the sound of his body hitting the floor followed by a soft moan.  "The 't' and 'h' are silent in the word.  It's pronounced 'iss-mus'"

"Not a word."

He sighed and pulled himself back up to the bed.  "Yes it is.  Go on, keep reading."

"If it is a word, what does it mean?"

"Keep reading." He stressed the second word and I groaned.

I looked back down to the book.  I took a deep breath.  "The explorers looked out over the sea.  None had a boat and the is.. The isthmus looked to be the only way across.  It looked dangerous, the sandy bar was barely above the water and tide was low.  Never having been to this area before, the explorers were leary-"

"You're getting better.  Much longer, and you won't need me to help you anymore."

"I probably don't need you now." I looked up from the book to see the shadowed expression on his face.  Other than words I didn't recognize, I rarely asked for help anymore.  It had been over a week since my last live in guest came.  Why then?  Why was I keeping him around?  Why hadn't I just killed him and rid myself of his annoying presence?  How long had I kept him?

"I'm flattered.  I mean, it's been over a year.  If I didn't know any better, I would say you liked me." The sentence ended with a laugh.

My stomach twisted.  Like?  Like him?  How dare he say such a thing.  How could he just come to such a conclusion?  How dare he laugh.  My heart gave a lurch.  "You bastard."  I clutched the fabric over my chest as an annoyingly familiar ache formed.  I slammed him against the wall and ignored the grunt he gave.  "I don't need you.  You hear me?  I don't need anyone." I picked him up, and slammed him against the wall again.

Another grunt.  "I didn't say you did.  What, you think you need me?  Some sick way of making a friend, don't you think?" He smiled.  He _smiled_.

"Shut up!" _Slam._ "I care only for myself.  You were here to help me read, nothing more.  I don't need you.  I will never need you."  _Slam._ I picked him up again, and tossed him to the other wall, this time he gave a small cry and my heart hurt at the sound.  I froze.  Why did it hurt?  Why did his cry hurt?  It made no sense to me.

"I... I can't... I can't feel... I can't..." His voice sounded panicked, and just then, I saw the blood.  I had thrown him against the wall I kept the tools to torture my other guests, and below him...

I fell over and grabbed at my hair as the all too familiar voice started in.  _Blood, feed mother.  I need blood.  Give me this vermin's blood, haven't I waited long enough?  Come now, feed mother..._ "No, I won't.  I..."

"Just kill me.  Get it over with, haven't I waited long enough to-"

Without thought my sand tendriled into his mouth, and for the first time since I met him, he screamed.  I looked down to my hand, fisted.  I opened my hand and it shook.  What... What did I just do?  I looked up to him as I heard a gargle.  My eyes widened.  I used my sand to flip him over, keep the blood from running back into his throat.  What have I done?  I moved my sand and hovered it over his heart.  It would be easy to kill him, to pierce the organ and end his wretched life.  I hesitated.  I stared at the thick barbed chain embedded deeply in his back.  Into his spine. 

I can't.  My eyes widened at the realization and I rushed forward.  I pulled the barbs out of his spine, and for the first time I felt ill at the sight of blood.  This was wrong.  So very wrong.  I couldn't let him know.  "Want to die so much?  How about I keep you living?  Wouldn't it be so much more fun, to see you suffer living like this?"  I couldn't do it.   I couldn't kill him.  I didn't have much time before he bled out.  I opened my window and moved us across Suna.  I couldn't afford to have his family find him, so I went to the opposite end of Suna to find a doctor.  I rushed south, away from our home.  My home.

A gasp for air pushed me to move faster.  "Keep breathing, vermin.  I haven't given you permission to die on me just yet, hear me?" I grit my teeth.  Like him?  Why?  Why would I like him?  Attachment was weakness, and I didn't need anything.  I was fine alone.  I looked down to him.  _Just don't die._

.*.               .*.               .*.

_Age 35_

I stared at the book in my hands.  I couldn't read anymore.  "Nobuo.  I tried finding your family.  I told you not long after I became Kazekage I wanted to know who you were, but there were so many names.  There were more than five hundred with your basic description.  I had no way of knowing for sure without speaking to every family, and I didn't have the ability to do such a thing."

He held my gaze, steady.  He didn't even blink.

I took a deep breath.  "You were right about me."  I leaned forward, afraid my voice would give out on me.  "I didn't keep you alive to torture you, I kept you alive because I couldn't bring myself to kill you." 

His reaction was obvious, even without a tongue, he could gasp and the tears were obvious in his eyes.  An odd moan left him, one with fluctuation.  I broke our eye contact, the sound reminding me once more of one of the things I had taken from him.

I stood from the chair and returned it to where it was before.  I moved to the door, and just before I opened it, I took a breath.  There was a reason I came here.  "There will be a doctor coming.  One who may be able to give you your life back.  I wanted you to know."  I gripped the handle which would turn open the door.  My throat tightened.  I didn't want to say the next thing.  Yet, I needed to.  It was something I wanted to do for a long time, something which always tickled the edge of my mind, though I had pushed it out of my conscious mind.  I licked my lips.  "Thank you."   I pushed the door open and fled the compound.  I didn't want to say anything else.  I didn't want to talk to the guards or the nurse or anyone else. 

Nobuo.  Thank you.  For everything.  For teaching me to read.  For being the first to make me feel something other than hatred, even if I couldn't recognize it yet.  Thank you for making me care, even for a moment.

I couldn't help but wonder, as I floated on a bed of sand back towards my house, over the rooftops, streets, and bridges which made this place what it was, if it would even be possible for him to forgive me. 

The dull ache in my chest told me no but it didn't matter. 

Not when it felt possible to give him his life back.


	28. Blindsided

 

 

# Blindsided

** Author's Note **

I've been waiting forever to write this chapter, and it is finally here!  It is a little shorter than most of my chapters, but I don't want to drag it out much.  I'm trying to stick to the 'important' bits while Naruto is out cold, so I hope these chapters haven't been too boring for you all.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter, I will do one more before returning to my edit for Inheritants.  As always, comments/reviews serve to inspire.  <3

** Gaara **

I tossed the booklet of paperwork onto the conference table.  I grit my teeth but forced myself to stay as calm as possible while I had Kimi on my chest.  "What is the meaning of this?  Why now?"

The man from the traditional elders' council merely folded his hands on the table and pushed the packet back in my direction.  "The request for your marriage has been a topic of heated debate for many in the council.  It is understood your desire to go through the traditional process with your wife?"

I narrowed my eyes at him.  "Yes, I put in my petition for marriage more than two months ago, there hasn't been a word until now.  What have you sent me?"

The man crooked his head at me.  I only had spoken to him a few times before, but never on a personal matter.  "Many of the members aren't in favor of the marriage.  Legally you are married in the new ways, but you have not met any of the criteria for marriage in the traditional manner."

My stomach twisted and I sank down into the chair across from him.

"We also have a blatant display of disregard to these ways with the child you have presented.  Courtship and marriage petitions must be made by those who have remained chaste.  You, Lord Kazekage, are a special case.  Your past recorded history is a unique one, so there was some in favor for your union.  To appease those who are opposed, the guidelines were created to assist in the approval process.  Do you understand?"

I stared at him.  The list was impossible.  "I..."  I picked up the packet.  Maintain a three-foot distance at all times.  Do not speak of adult matters.  Do not touch each other.  Do not stay in the same room.  The list went on.  "She's in a coma."

The elder smiled at me.  "The council is aware of this, and the test will commence once she is awake.  Once you both have shown adequate restraint, the petition will go through.  If you are unable to follow the guidelines, then the petition will fail.  You understand your position?"

I leaned back into the chair and narrowed my eyes at him.  "Yes."

"I am glad we are in agreement." He calls this an agreement?  "Tomorrow, there will be a chaperone appointed to your household.  We also understand the living arrangements, but I express the council's desire for you to at least find separate sleeping quarters until the marriage is complete."

"I don't sleep." I sighed as Kimi began to fuss, her little arms and hands digging into my clothing.  I took a deep breath, forcing myself to calm down.  "One of the items on the list, I am not allowed to mention the test to my wife.  Why?"

The man smiled.  "To test her resolve."

There were days I hated this place and its infernal traditions.  Kimi hiccuped and began to cry and I rubbed her back.  "A moment."  Before the meeting I set up her bottles, and now, with her fussing so much, it was time for her to eat.  Test her resolve?  Was it not enough they were going to test me, but her?  Hadn't she gone through enough with the change, the difficult pregnancy, her coma?  The loss of her access to her chakra reserves, and her demon.  It would be difficult if she thought I no longer had an interest in her.  I turned my back to the elder and quickly tested the milk, something which I had become better at over the past month.  Another month gone.

Another month without my Naruto.  Another month she missed with Kimi.  The milk felt perfect.  I returned the sand to my wrist and moved Kimi into her feeding position.  I held the bottle up for her and her little hands moved on the bottle in a grasp and let go sort of motion as her lips parted.  Her eyes were wide and latched onto me as she suckled at the milk.

"Why did you bring her?" The man's voice sounded hollow, annoyed.  I think.

"She is mine, it will be me to take care of her." I didn't bother to look up from her precious little face, her pretty little eyes.

He hummed.  It was the last thing either of us said to the other.

.*.               .*.               .*.

I paced the room, irritated at myself for being so... So...  I wasn't sure what to call this.  This feeling.  This state of mind.  I had to work.  I didn't want to work.  I wanted to work.  I needed to work.  I needed to make sure my people were safe, I needed to care for Kimi, I needed her mother to wake up.

I needed to find the prisoner who escaped and the people behind the attacks before they attempted to attack my family again.  An odd fuzzy warmth filled my chest at the thought.  Family.  Me of all people, had a family, not just siblings, but a real family.  A wife, a child.  Children.  Shinki's still my son, even if he was currently avoiding me like soiled paper.  Idiom.  Did I get it right?  Shinki was always using these on me, no matter how little sense they made.  These things are ridiculous.  I would ask if I used it correctly, but then I would risk getting laughed at, and I wasn't about to deal with such a thing at the moment.

Not now.  On my first day back to the Kazekage tower.  Why was I here again?  Meeting with the elder, who refused to come to my home to explain the ridiculous courtship demands.  Ridiculous.  "Ridiculous." I said it out loud, careful to pronounce the word in slow precision since I was alone in my office.  I felt my lips twitch upward.  What an interesting word.  I looked at my furniture.  When was the last time I was in this room?  Why was my desk in the center of the room?  Had I put it there, or did someone think it would be a better place for it? 

I circled the piece of offensive furniture.  How dare it be perfectly centered in the room.  What sense did it make?  None.  It made no sense whatsoever.  I frowned when I looked around the room.  I hadn't brought anything to set Kimi down in while I did my work.  This wouldn't do.  This entire setup was wrong.  Kimi kicked out from her little spot on my chest and I grabbed her tiny little feet.  I wiggled them in my hands.  "Look at your feet." She flexed her toes and made an odd gurgle sound.  "What are you up to, little one?  Want to see me rearrange some furniture?"

Kimi's only response was a wide-eyed coo and more kicks and toe flexes.  I smiled down at her, then kissed the top of her head.  I gave a small sigh.  Even if I didn't manage to appease the elders with my marriage petition, it would be alright.  I have Naruto, I have Kimi.  Even without the traditional ceremony, they will always be my family.  Even without the ceremony, I could have my life filled with something impossible.  I could make more like Kimi, if Naruto gave me permission.  I eyed the desk.  Not now.  I wouldn't rearrange anything now, but I would next time I came to the office.  I would be more prepared for the rearranging of furniture and bring a secure place to put my Kimi down while I worked.  Where she could watch me while I did what I needed to from a safe distance.

I wonder if she would understand what was going on.  I still wasn't sure she even understood anything I said to her.  In fact, I was half positive she wouldn't decipher if I was speaking a language or gibberish at this point.

I wonder if she knew her own name though.  "Kimi, Kimi."  I shifted her in my arms so she was on her back and I could easily look at her face.  "Do you know your name little one?"  Her eyes were bright, innocent.  Unchanging, trustful.  Loving?  The look in her innocent little eyes was overwhelming, and the desire to protect her surged through me.  I hate to admit, but it was stronger than the desire I had to protect Shinki, to keep him from my past.  Something I had failed miserably at. 

Kankuro was still looking for the man who told Shinki about the demolition order, there were still no names to go along with what had happened.  A mystery.  I didn't like mysteries.  I liked knowing exactly what was going on at all times, especially when it concerned the safety of those I cared about.  What was the reason for this?  Was it done by the same people who attacked the hospital and stole the man from his cell?  I paced the floor, wiggling my finger in Kimi's hand as I did.

Soon, a small cry pierced into my heart and I looked down to the small person in my arms.  I brought her up to my chest, her tiny tears threatening to bring on a panic attack.  "Shh, it's alright.  I'm sorry." I bounced her just a little, rubbing her back to reassure her.  It was no use contemplating 'what ifs' while holding her.  She seemed to be able to sense when I was getting irritated more and more and would start crying my mood started to drift beyond my usual current numb complacency I haven't been able to get past since Shinki started to avoid me.

"Finally decided to go back to work, I see.  About damn time."

I stiffened at Kankuro's voice.  How long had he been there?  Why was I still allowing myself to be so distracted?  "I cannot avoid my job forever."

"Obviously."  He leaned against the wall.  "Anyway, there has been little headway in finding the identity of the one responsible for leaking the demolition order to Shinki, but it is under scrutiny.  There is speculation it might be connected with the attack at the hospital.  However, there hasn't been any solid proof of this."  He frowned at me.  "Listen, Gaara, I know it's none of my business, but shouldn't you talk to Shinki about all this?"

I narrowed my eyes at him.  "You are correct."

"Great, I have set up a dinner for you both tonight.  Hired a cook and everything."

I groaned.  "I meant towards the fact it is none of your business."

"Too bad, still hired the chef.  How about you just show up and talk to your own damn kid?  This one is more than I can fix."

"This can't be fixed."

He groaned.  "Gaara-"

"Please leave."  I looked down to Kimi, who I had just settled back down moments ago, and the further the conversation with Kankuro went, the more I felt the starts of irritation building up.  If I were to become irritated, she would cry.  I didn't want my precious little one crying, especially because of a mood I was in.  I rubbed her back just a little firmer to counteract the rising nerves I felt.

There was a heavy sigh and he pushed himself off from the wall.  "Fine, but I'm not canceling dinner.  Got it?" 

I didn't answer him, instead of looking to the window on the opposite wall.  Dinner?  With Shinki?  Would he even show up?  I didn't look back when I heard the door open, then shut.  I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding and looked down to my sweet daughter.  Mine.  I felt her soft fuzzy hair between my fingers.  Touch.  It didn't bother me with her.  Why?  At no point in time did touching her trigger my issues with people.  Not once.  My siblings, Shinki, even Naruto had triggered it at some point.  It was my predisposition, keeping myself away from others.  Not allowing them near my person, not letting myself be touched or vise versa. 

There would be a Kage meeting in a week.  I was required to attend.  The feeling was back, the moment the thought crossed my mind. 

Conflicted?  It might be the best way to describe this.  I didn't want to go.  It would be a two-day trip, a few days worth of meetings, then another two-day trip to return home.  I couldn't just pack up Naruto and bring her with me, and I didn't want to leave her to do the things which were required of me.  I hadn't thought it would have taken her so long to wake back up.  I groaned, causing Kimi to fuss again.  "Shh.  Everything is alright.  I promise.  Your mother will wake up soon.  She has to."

I knew the words were meant to comfort me more than her.

.*.               .*.               .*.

I stood outside of Shinki's door, hand raised, knuckles facing the door ready to knock.  I couldn't bring myself to bring down my hand.  I couldn't do it.  This was all impossible.  Shinki wouldn't forgive me for what I've done.  Why would he?  He was raised to put the people of Suna before himself, proved he would go against me if need be.  Even if the incident was only a possibility, I remembered it well.  The day I killed him.  What sort of person was I really?  Could I ever fully consider myself human?  I grit my teeth and forced my hand forward, to the door, only to catch myself just before I connected with the wood of the door.

What was wrong with me?  This is my son.  My _son._   Whether he forgave me or not shouldn't matter.  He was still Shinki, the small boy I took in from the orphanage.  My Shinki.  I needed to tell him what I used to be.  Try to make him understand how much of a monster I had been.  Still was.  Always will be.  Monster.  The things he seen in the house, I would never be able to erase from his mind.  How much did he understand of it?  Could he piece together the things I had done?  Had he figured out how many people went missing in the six years I had embraced this part of my nature?

The door opened, and I stood frozen in place, my hand raised as though still ready to knock on the door which no longer was in place.  What an odd sight I must be.  The great, formidable Kazekage afraid to talk to his own son while holding onto a wiggling baby.  A baby who, incidentally, looked like a tiny version of myself.  I couldn't have been this cute though.  Impossible.

Shinki stood at the door, expressionless.  He stared at me a moment, then maneuvered around my still frozen form without ever making contact with me, and headed downstairs.  I clenched my hand into a fist and took a deep breath.  Everything will be fine.

Perfectly fine.

I tore myself away from the door and forced myself downstairs, towards the kitchen, where I was supposed to be having dinner with my son.  When I entered the room, both Shinki and Kankuro were sitting at the table.  Kankuro?  Of course, he would butt his head into my personal affairs.  I kept my face as blank as possible as I moved across the floor and sunk down into a chair.

Kimi made some sounds and I found Shinki's eyes on me.  "Give me."  He held out his arms, his expression as blank as my own.

"I..." I trailed off.  It had been two full weeks since the last time he said a single word to me.  "Kimi?" I gave a slight wince at the word, realizing how idiotic it must sound when it was obvious what he was after.

He didn't answer my question, instead reached out and grabbed her from me without permission.  I stared at him as he held her up in the air, a small smile forming on his lips.  "Kimi, Kimi, way up high..."

I breathed a sigh of relief.  At least it seemed his relationship with her wouldn't be affected by my inadequacy as a father.  Though... I felt naked.  I hadn't put her down much in the past month, even held her during her naps and feeding.  I held her during meetings and workdays.  Meals.  Everything other than changing her.  My fingers twitched.  I wanted her back.  I shouldn't have let him take her.

He is my son, it should be fine for him to hold his own baby sister.  She was mine though.  She's mine.  _Mine._ A plate was set in front of me, and I began to pick at the contents.  Meat of some sort.  Vegetables.  Did it really matter what it was?  I wasn't even hungry.  Instead, I kept an eye on Shinki and Kimi while I moved the stuff around my plate.  How long was he going to hold onto her?  Would he return her soon?  I should ask him to.

I should keep quiet.  I shouldn't upset him more when it comes to me.  I did not want him thinking I didn't trust him with his own sister.  But Kimi was mine.  I didn't want to share her.  It was bad enough I got interrogated by most of my staff for bringing her along to meetings. 

I could start to feel my shoulders tremble.  I needed her back.  I wanted to... I just had to-

"Shinki, maybe you should go get Kimi's bottle and check to see if she needs changing?  I need to speak with your Father."

He gave a small nod and I resisted the urge to take my daughter back from him as he rounded the corner to the stairs, disappearing out of my view.  "Why?"  I gave him my most fearsome glare.  "What right have you to interfere with my-"

"You are using her as a buffer to life.  I see it, you never put her down, you are taking her everywhere, you haven't even said a damn word to Shinki.  Doesn't he deserve it?  An explanation from you?"

"Kankuro..."  A buffer?  What did he mean by this?  My nerves had begun to fail, and I could feel the sand around me begin to take note of it.  The grains of it, I could feel them...

"Your wife is in a damn coma.  I get it.  You get it.  We all fucking get it.  You have a kid, they want to take your shot at a normal marriage ceremony away and to top it all off it is almost like you have completely abandoned your damn son in favor of the brat your wife just shot out of herself."

Something broke inside me.  The sand hovered in the air, twitching in time to the lurches in my own stomach.  "What are you implying?"  I stood up from the table, leaning in as I did, my hands flat on the wooden surface of it.  I forced myself to breathe, to keep the breaths even, steady.  Stay calm.  I needed to stay calm.

"You planning on taking it away from him?"

 _Kill him.  Make him bleed.  How dare he talk to me this way?_ I bit the inside of my cheek to keep the sand from lashing out on my behalf.  I'm better than this.  I can be better than this.  Kankuro was pissing me off though, and I wanted him to feel it on his side too.  "Take what away?"

Kankuro didn't flinch at my irritation and leaned in on his own side of the table.  "Kazekage.  You planning on naming the girl your heir now?  Just because he isn't yours?"

Not... Mine?  I clenched my teeth.  How.  Dare.  He.  Mine.  He _is_ mine.  I narrowed my eyes.  "What would you do if I confirmed this?"  Why would he doubt me?  What indications had I ever made to suggest such a thing?

Kankuro growled at me.  "I would make you name him your heir."

I threw the table out from under him and he barely caught his balance before he fell.  "Like you could stop me, he isn't even related to us by blood, if I so decided to make Kimi my heir, there is nothing you could-"

"You're wrong." His voice was dark, an edge to it I didn't recognize and suddenly I no longer wanted to continue this conversation.  I called the sand to me, encasing me in the substance, thickening my armor.

"I think we are done here."  I didn't want to be here anymore.  I didn't want to have dinner, I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to see Shinki, I didn't want to be in this house.

He moved to stand between me and the door.  "We aren't done here.  Shinki deserves more than what-"

"Move." I could feel the tremble from earlier spread beyond my shoulders.  There was something off.  My stomach lurched and I felt something twist inside my chest.  Wrong.  Something was wrong with Kankuro.  I had never seen a look on him quite like the one he was carrying, and I felt an overwhelming sense of dread.  Sand.  I need more sand.  I flexed my hands and felt the grains begin to head my way.  Not fast enough.  Nowhere near fast enough.

"Shinki will be Kazekage.  It's his birthright, Gaara.  His damn birthright."

Birthright?  I wanted to keep the upper hand as I gathered my sand to block him out, but morbid curiosity kept is at bay.  Just for another minute.  What would another minute hurt?  Kankuro wouldn't harm me... Would he?  I fought to ascertain the words I needed to say, but... "He's not..." They didn't come.

"He's mine, Gaara."

Numb.  What?  I stared at him.  What could he mean by his?  Shinki is my son.  Mine.  My confusion must have shown on my face because he buried his own in his hands a moment.

He took a deep breath.  "Sand.  There hasn't been a branch occurrence with the kekkei genkai ever recorded, think about it.  I had it tested and-"

"Uncle Kankuro?" The voice was tight, from the stairs. 

His.  His...?  "He's mine.  Mine.  He's..." I buried my hands in my hair and a sharp pain shocked through my knees.  I fell?  I didn't care.  His.  Kankuro was... He wouldn't have kept such a thing from me.  His.  _He's mine, Gaara._ The words echoed inside my mind.  No. 

I won't accept it.

Shinki was mine.

Mine.

I didn't hold the sand back, I let it come, burying me inside of a hardened ball.  I ignored the pounding on its surface, ignored the voices.

Why was it everything I had dissolved away from me?

Why couldn't I have this?

Why?


	29. The Return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone!  Sorry I haven't been updating as much.  Seems I fell in a little bit of a slump, but my word counts have been rising the past few days, so hopefully I am over this whatever it is.
> 
> I had to do a surprising amount of research for this chapter.  I hope it feels real enough.  *Bites her nails in worry.*
> 
> As always, reviews/comments serve to inspire :D

 

 

** Naruto **

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

The sound echoed, dull as if I were in some sort of underwater tunnel.  What was the sound?  Did it matter?

Who was I anyway?  Did it matter?  My eyelids were too heavy to open and my body too numb to do anything but stay still.  I took a deep breath, and there was a weight on my hand. 

A voice.  Dull, distant, but it was there.  A person.

Who?  Did it matter? 

Probably not.  I was too tired to care.  So very tired....

.*.               .*.               .*.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

There is was again.  The odd beeping sound.  What was it?  I tried opening my eyes, but they wouldn't budge.  Why wouldn't they open?  I tried lifting my arm, but it wouldn't listen to me.  Voices.

I hear voices.  What language were they speaking?  I couldn't understand a single word.

Come on.  I can open my eyes, couldn't I?  Open.  My.  Eyes.  I put all my effort into it. 

I was blinded by light and figures, blurry came into my view.  The voices became louder, but I still couldn't understand them.  They were speaking some sort of foreign language, and their voices were dull as though underwater. 

What sort of place was I in?  Where had I been taken?  Was I kidnapped?  Who would want to kidnap me?

Better yet, who was I?  I tried to remember as things passed in front of my face.  Hands?  Maybe. 

I was tired, but now I couldn't close my eyes.  What was going on?  Why was this happening to me?  I tried to move again, but none of my body responded to my efforts.  I wanted to cry.  I'm broken.  I'm going to be stuck like this forever, with these people who were foreign.

I couldn't even produce tears.

This sucks.

.*.               .*.               .*.

After a few years, the voices began to make sense.  They sounded familiar, but I still couldn't place why.  Did I know these people?  I still couldn't focus my eyes, but every so often they would sting, but then felt fine again for a while.  Eye drops?  It's possible.

There was a warmth on my hand.  "Squeeze my hand.  If you hear me, squeeze my hand.  Come on Naruto, you can do this."

Naruto?  Was this my name?  Who was this person?  At least I could understand them now.  Maybe they were aliens slowly assimilating to my brain and were adapting the languages they learned by the responses I gave.

Hell with them.  Like I would cooperate with that shit.

Assholes. 

I didn't even try to follow directions.  I would wait until I was alone, for the first time in forever, and then attempt my escape.

.*.               .*.               .*.

I was beginning to think these aliens actually knew who I was.  There was a quick sting to my eyes, followed by relief.  "Naruto.  Squeeze my hand.  Come on, do something.  Anything."

Anything?  I wanted to laugh.  There were so many things I wanted to do just then, just to go through with the idea of 'anything'.  It was a loaded request, but one I was unable to go through with.  The hell?  Squeeze their hand?

Fine, whatever.  I'll try then.  I put everything into squeezing the person's hand.  Move the fingers, inwards.  I felt a small twitch to my thumb, then my index finger.  Hey, I was close!  The odd beeping noise sped up a little and I worked harder at getting my fingers to move. 

Come on, I can do this.  Another small twitch.  Then another. 

"Kankuro, come quick!  She's moving her fingers, it's good, right?"

"She... How the hell would I know?  Shouldn't you call the doctor or something?"

Doctor?  So, one of the voices was named Kankuro.  Why did it sound familiar?  She.  So I am a she then?  So... So tired.  I managed to close my eyes, grateful for the lack of light it gave me and fell asleep.

.*.               .*.               .*.

I woke with a start.  My back arched upward and I gasped in the air.  Where was I?  I heard voices, but it didn't matter.  Where the hell was I?  This wasn't the Konoha hospital.  Or home.  None of the voices sounded like Hinata or the kids.  So where was I then?  I felt my heart race, keeping pace with the quick beeping noise coming from a machine behind me.  I tried to focus my eyes, but everything stayed blurry.  "Call the nurse, quick!"  There was a warmth in my hand just then.  "If you hear me squeeze."

The voice sounded desperate, and I cooperated with it.  It took more to move my hand than I thought it would, but the warmth was oddly comforting to me.  It couldn't have been Hinata.  Who was she then?  I looked up to the ceiling.  Spiral?  It looked... It looked like...  I gasped for breath as the memory of what the spiral was came to mind.  _Gaara._  I was in his house?  Why?  I tried calling out for him, but the only sound which came was a drug out moan.  Why couldn't I make my mouth work?  What was wrong with me?  I tried moving, but my limbs weren't cooperating with me.  My arm jerked and smacked the person who was trying to get me to squeeze their hand and suddenly there was a weight on all four of my limbs.

"Hold her down, I think she's seizing." Her?  Seizing?  What are they talking about?

Something was put on my face, and the air smelled off.  What... What was...

So sleepy.  I don't want to sleep.  I want... I want to...

.*.               .*.               .*.

There were weights on my arms and legs when I opened my eyes.  The spiral, it was still there.  So it wasn't a dream after all.  Why was I here?  It was clearer now.  I looked around the room as much as I could without moving my head, since even that seemed a little impossible.

"Naruto?" The voice came from my left and I moved my eyes towards it.  Temari?  Well, it made sense, if I were in Gaara's house.  Why was I in... My head turned some and...

Why is there a fluffy pink bassinet near the bed?

"Hey, you understand me, don't you?"  She blocked the view of the bassinet and leaned over the bed, near my face.

I let out a moan as an answer.  _Yes, you idiot.  I get you._   Why can't I make my tongue work?  I wanted to ask about Gaara.  If I was in his house, where was he?  I tried harder.  "Nn... Gaaa... Gaaaarraaaaa."  There.  I did it.

Why in the hell did I feel so damned accomplished for this?  Damn, this is dumb.

There was an audible gasp from Temari.  "Gaara?  He's... Well, he is out.  It's alright though, I'm here, so is Kankuro, so everything will be fine, ok?"

Why?  I wanted to ask, but I couldn't.  I felt the weights removed from my arms.

"Alright, since you seem to be coherent to an extent, I am letting up on your bindings.  Just don't hurt yourself, ok?"

I tried flexing my fingers, and to my relief, they moved.  Not much, but I could feel the sheet beneath them move across my fingertips.  I sighed and she moved out of my view. 

Why was there so many baby things in this room?  It didn't make any sense...

I took a deep breath.  "T... Temmm."  She returned to my view, a look of concern on her face.  "Whaaa... Whatsss" Damn it all.  I want to ask what's wrong with me, but I still couldn't get my tongue to work quite right yet.

Baby things.  What purpose would Gaara have to... Baby.  Of the gods, _baby._   The beeping noise sped up with my heart and my stomach twisted as I reached up towards my stomach, grateful my arms were obeying me.  I rested my hands there, once I reached and tears stung at my eyes.  _Baby._   Where was she?  My stomach was nearly flat.  Hands grabbed hold of mine tightly, forcing me to pay attention to the source.  How long?  How long had I been out?

"She is fine, Naruto.  Gaara has her, and he is away right now.  Everything will be fine.  I need you to trust me."

But how long?  How old was my baby girl?  What was her name?  I hadn't the chance to talk names yet, I hadn't even... I hadn't...

"Maybe you should try to rest.  You've been through a lot.  Relax.  We will get him back."

Relax?  How could I?  Did I have a choice?  I couldn't even speak right.

Her hands left mine and she turned to Kankuro, who I just noticed was in the room.  "Send for Gaara.  He's going to flip about this."

He groaned.  "Damn it, talk him into going, and she fucking wakes up.  Don't worry Gaara, it's a week.  A week shouldn't matter..." He continued talking as he left the room, and I couldn't hear what he said.

Rest.  Maybe I should.

.*.               .*.               .*.

Bit by bit my senses cleared.  The nurse who tended me before was still tending to me.  I was grateful I could remember.  I remembered everything, except giving birth, and in a way, I was also grateful for this.  My entire body felt heavy, and I could barely move my arms, let alone my legs, which felt like pure lead.  It had been two days, and I regained mobility in my head at least.  Talking was getting easier, though still felt difficult and I was starting to get a bit annoyed by it.

Also, where the hell was Gaara?  What made him think it was alright to take our daughter and fucking leave town while I was out cold?  Also, to top it off, he left behind Kankuro.  What the hell?  Who in the hell did he have to protect them both if they were attacked?

What did our daughter look like?  What was her name?  Did she go through a ceremony like my own?  Did anyone outside of his family know about her?  "Temari." Her name was low and drug out on my tongue as I forced my mouth to work.  I was still gaining my ability to talk, and the silence of the room annoyed me.

Soon, the blonde haired woman was at my side.  "You need something?"

The use of my limbs and your fucking brother.  "Baby.  Name."  I sound like a fucking cave man.  Woman.  Whatever.

She groaned.  "No."

I glared at her the best I could.  "Shinki."  Might as well ask for the second best thing to Gaara.  I hadn't seen him once since I woke up.  Where was he?

"With Gaara."

The confusion must have been obvious on my face because she went on.

"Gaara is pissed off at Kankuro at the moment.  It's most of the reason he isn't here right now.  I doubt he would have agreed if it weren't for that."

"Why?" I groaned at the stutter in the word.  How much longer before this would clear?  Why wasn't I already up and out of bed?  It never took me long to heal, and without the baby taking Kurama's extra power now, I should be fine, shouldn't I?  Besides, in name or not, I was still an Uzumaki.  I always healed super quick, so what the hell was wrong with me?

She sighed.  "I don't think it's for me to say.  Don't worry so much, just focus on getting better, and maybe you will be all better when he gets back, right?" She smiled, but even I could tell it was fake.  There was something sorrowful in her eyes, and I wanted to know what.

She knew what was wrong with me, didn't she?  I figured, if I survived the actual birth, I would be quick to heal.  I wasn't healing fast.  I was still in bed, after two days after waking up after who knows how the hell long and nobody, _nobody_ was answering any of my questions.  Even if my questions were a single word long and I couldn't rant them into submission yet.

It was pissing me off.  Pissing me off, and I didn't have the strength to act on a single damn thing.  Which also pissed me off.  I want to see my daughter.  Why weren't they telling me anything?  Had something happened to her?  Was this what they were keeping from me?  Did she even have a name?

I could hear the monitor speed up according to my thoughts, but god damn, who the hell cares?  I sure as hell didn't.  Was there something wrong with my baby?  My hands were on my abdomen.  Not there.  She wasn't there to comfort me with her presence.  I want her.  I want her back.  I need to know she's alright.  I need to see her with my own eyes.  Touch her.  Hold her in my arms.  Count all her little toes and fingers.  Hear her cry.   Anything, everything, I wanted it.  I tightened my hands and I felt a pain from where my nails dug into my skin.  Tears stung at the corners of my eyes as my vision blurred.  "How long?" 

The woman on the other side of the room stiffened.  "I don't know.  We haven't received word yet, but knowing Gaara..." She trailed off and turned away from me.

Knowing Gaara what?  Would he finish the meeting before sending word?  Probably.  He tended to be a workaholic and he had his child now, so who the hell gave a shit about me anyway?  What purpose did I serve now?  I wasn't important anymore.  I threw my life away for what exactly?

To lay in a damn bed while Gaara went on about life like usual, except with a kid in tow?  I fell forward in a heap, unable to catch myself, but I didn't care.  Why would I care?  Nothing mattered anymore.

I shouldn't have lived.

What the hell?

"Naruto!"  Hands grabbed at my shoulders, forcing me back into the bed.

I kept my eyes closed.  I didn't want to see her.  I didn't want to see her pity.  I didn't want to see her disgust, or worry, or whatever the hell she was thinking just then.  I just wanted to be alone.  Alone with my thoughts, my regrets, my... "Away." The word was hard for me to say, but it left my lips anyway.

"What?"

Must I repeat it?  "Go away." The words were nothing more than a whisper, long and drawn out as it was all I was capable of as yet.  I hadn't been alone since I woke up.  Someone was always there.  If it wasn't Temari, it was Kankuro.  If it wasn't Kankuro, it was the damn nurse, and if it weren't her, there was some weird woman I don't remember at all who was checking up on me.  _Stop messing with me._   I wanted to shout it out, throw a tantrum, run away.  Hide under a freaking rock or something until I felt human again.

"I'm not leaving you here.  You need-"

I tuned her out and turned my head from her and mourned my life.  It was sick, but I wanted to have my sweet, quiet Hinata sitting next to the bed.  There were times she would be there when I was injured.  Sometimes, it took a day for me to heal and she would just be there.  Smile her tiny smile at me, always nervous.  She would stutter and offer to read to me, or get me something to drink, or... The kids.  They would peek in from the door to make sure I was alright.

Gone.  All of it, for a whim.  Because I had to go and want to be with Gaara.

Gaara.

My stomach turned as I continued to tune Temari out, her words muffled in my ears, random words making it through my thoughts.  I clenched my eyes as tight as I could, force out any light which wanted to intrude.  For this one man, I gave up my children.  Would I ever see them again?  What would Hinata say to them?  Would she tell them the truth?  _Kids, your dad is now a woman and she left us to marry your Uncle Gaara._  

Yeah, it would go well.  Even if they knew I was alive, if they knew the full reason, I am pretty damn sure they wouldn't want anything to do with me.  Maybe she would send pictures or something.  It was all I could hope for, isn't it?  A stupid reminder of what I left behind.

"Out.  Get out."  I didn't want to see her.  I didn't want to see Kankuro.  I didn't want to see Shinki, the damn nurse or other woman, and I sure as hell didn't want to see Gaara.

Not right now.

Not when the only thing in my mind was everything I lost.  Not when I wanted to see my kids so damn bad.

Not when I wanted to be reassured by my ex-wife. 

Hinata.  Why had she done this?  My hands moved.  Bit by bit towards my face until I could wipe away the tears which leaked out of my eyes.  I could tell by the cool wetness on the backs of my hands.

At least, for now, it was silent.  For the first time in years, it was comforting.

For the first time in years, I pined for the solitude.  Openly.  This was why.  She wanted me happy, but with what price would it come?  My family,  my home, my friends, my chakra, my identity.  I forced my hands to feel my body starting at my head.  Nothing was right.  I didn't feel like me anymore.  My cheekbones were less defined, my face thinner, my lips fuller, the bump in my neck gone.  Then, from there everything just got damn weird.  Why did I go along with all this?  What the hell was I thinking?

Who am I anymore?

Who the hell?

.*.               .*.               .*.

I don't know when I fell asleep, but when I woke I felt numb, as though every emotion from earlier were simply ripped out of me.  I sighed and looked around the room.  Alone.  The only sound I could hear was the constant beep of the heart monitor.  I now remember why it was so damned annoying before.  It kept going.  Beep.  Beep.  Beep.  There wasn't any reprieve, and it wasn't even a comforting noise like thunder or rain.  Just a high pitched beeping sound.  Over and over.  Constantly.

I am going to break the damn machine.  The hell.  I'm awake, talking, why the hell did they need to keep the thing on me?  I groaned when I realized there was nobody I could call who would listen and unplug the damn thing.  It was up to me, wasn't it?  I tried to sit up, but then reality hit me.

Can't fucking move.  Not yet.  Though, I could move my arms a bit easier now.  Progress, right?  However...

If I could move my arms, it wouldn't be too hard to summon a clone, would it?  I smirked.  I didn't have to worry about the kid draining the life out of me anymore, so what was stopping me this time?  There was no real reason to worry about it.  It was just a single clone, not like it would kill me, besides, Kurama wouldn't let me die for a simple clone.

I froze a moment to contemplate it.  "Nah, stop being an idiot, Naruto.  You're stalling."  Is how I wanted the words to come out, instead it sounded more like gibberish once past the word 'an', but I kept going anyway.  I was going to get better.  You people wait, I would be chattering your ears off soon enough.  A week at best before I was out of this bed.

If I recovered fully, I wondered if Gaara would let me be a ninja again.  Or, at least work in the industry somehow.  What else would I do if I wasn't a ninja anyway?  A big fat nothing, that's what.  Ninja was the only thing I was any good at, the only thing I trained for.  There wasn't any backup plans.  I planned to pull off being like the old man and work until I freaking died or something.

Well, I guess this would probably qualify as 'or something' but hell, I wasn't ready to retire yet.  I'm only thirty-four, I still have a lot of life in me.  So what do I do now?

I have to be a ninja.

So what was a single clone?  If I was going to get better, I needed to train.  If I can't train my body directly, maybe I could with a secondary body.  I clenched my jaw.  It was settled.  I brought my hands up to my chest, crossed my fingers in the symbol I needed and.

.*.               .*.               .*.

There was a blur of consciousness, but it was fleeting.  Maybe it was just a dream, but I swear I saw my own body in the bed for the brief moment I remember seeing.  Then again, it could have been a dream.  I felt as though I'd slept for a while anyway.  The soft light on the spiral above the bed felt reassuring when my eyes came into focus.  Was I still alone?  I turned my head.  My neck felt stiff and I winced as it cracked mid-turn.  I groaned as I heard the high-pitched beeping of the monitor.  Damn thing.  Maybe I just dreamt of making the clone?  Those things were easy for me to make, my best ability.  The one I seemed to retain through my pregnancy even though it pissed Gaara off anytime I used chakra beyond just living.

I sighed and sat up, a small groan forcing it's way out of my throat at the movement.  I steadied myself with my hands which were firm on the bed below me.  I let out a long breath. 

Then I froze.  Wait a second.  I was sitting up?  Since when could I do _that_?  I could barely sit up on my own before all this.  How long was I out?  I tried to move my legs, but those things wouldn't listen to my demands yet.  Nope.  Not all better, not yet.  "Ah, come on."  My eyes widened.  My words came out of my mouth with no problem at all.  "Hey. Hey, hey listen to me."  I giggled at myself.  Then I smiled.  My voice came back.  "You wait, Temari.  I'm going to talk your ear off until I get my answers, damn it."  I glared at the door.

It didn't open.

Was I expecting it to?  I sighed.  It was quiet.  Almost quiet.  I don't like these damn wires on me... Hold on.  I can fucking move.  With a devious laugh I began peeling the things off of my skin until, finally, the beeping stopped.

Replaced by something worse.  A high-pitched alarm sound pierced through my eardrums as I peeled off one of the sensors and I covered my ears.  I groaned.  "Why can't anything work the way I want, huh?"

Just then, the door flew open.  Temari charged in, then stalled a foot from the bed, panic on her face.  I could see her tremble.  She looked away from me, flipped a switch on the machine behind me and the sound of sweet silence filled the room.

I gave a sigh of relief and dropped my hands from my ears.  "Ah, finally.  I hated that thing, ya know?"

Temari didn't move, her hand still on the machine.  "You've been asleep for two days, you bastard." Her voice trembled as much as her body did.  "I thought..." She trailed off and I noticed her clench the hand at her side.

Two... Two days?  The clone... It was too soon to make one yet.  "Sorry."

She turned her head to me, revealing her glistening eyes.  "Keep in mind the people around you.  When the alarm went off, I-"

"I said I was sorry.  Tsch."  I winced at my own words.  The hell?

"Why?"  She didn't sound angry, just... Tired? 

I swallowed and looked away.  The fleeting memory of seeing my own body in bed, then nothing.  I could have put myself back into a damn coma.  How stupid am I?  I let out a slow breath through pursed lips.  "I just wanted the beeping to stop.  I hate it, Temari.  It's all I hear.  I can't think."

"What... What did you do?" Her voice lowered, moving from concern to accusation.

I didn't want to answer.  Gaara's siblings scared the hell out of me.  They always have.  If it weren't for them, maybe I would have tried making a move a long time ago.  What in the hell was I just thinking? 

"Naruto."  Her voice dark, stern.

"Clone."  The word squeaked out of my mouth before I could stop it.  I clenched my eyes shut, waiting for her to yell at me. 

She didn't.  Instead, it was a whisper.  "Jerk."

Maybe I should have said something after the word.  Maybe I shouldn't have admitted to what I had done. 

The soft sound of the door clicking shut echoed through the room.

The silence was deafening.

.*.               .*.               .*.

The next day passed in slow motion.  The nurse came and gave me dinner.  She rearranged the pillows behind my back so I could easily stay seated while I ate.  I'm grateful for this.  This simple thing.  Feeding myself, steadily holding onto my utensils without fear my grip would give out.  Who knew it would make a person so happy?  I sure as hell didn't but it felt like such a damn accomplishment to me.  How stupid.  I laughed throughout the meal, ignoring the odd glances from the nurse who never did tell me her name.  If I weren't so embarrassed about my laughter from the feeling of accomplishment I got just from eating by myself, I would have asked.

Another day.  It bugged me, not knowing who she was.  After the meal, I was left alone again.  Then, she returned a few hours later to turn the light off.  In the morning, when I woke, there was an orange and a pudding on the stand next to the bed.  Also, there was a book.  I glared at it a moment.  Reading wasn't my favorite pastime by a long shot, though I appreciated books.  Probably because the pervy sage wrote them for a living beyond being a ninja.  Even though I still didn't quite get why people liked the things so much.  I read every single one of them.  Mostly.  They bored the hell out of me, nothing interesting about them at all.  It was all mushy and about love and who in the hell wanted to read the stuff?

Not exciting at all.  If I were to ever write a book it would be about adventure and friends.  What a book it would be, but who had the patience for it?  I mean, I did write a book in a night once, but I'm sure it was garbage.  I just wrote down the most perverted stuff I could think of using the characters from his book and made the story better by adding some fighting in.  It was freaking great.  He didn't think so though.

I ate the pudding and savored the orange.  It was perfectly sweet, barely tangy at all.  How did they get an orange this good out in the middle of the desert anyway?  I tucked the question into the back of my mind, wanting to ask once I saw somebody again.  Who was willing to talk to me.

I eyed the book.  Then, I looked around the room, which was always a bad idea for me.  There were so many baby things in here, it only reminded me of what was missing.  I groaned.  Maybe they wanted to torture me.  Here, have a reminder you had a kid.  By the way, you can't meet her.  Bastards.  Who in the hell did they think they were messing with?  I'm Naruto Uzumaki, the seventh...

My stomach sank.  The powerless girl who just came out of a coma after having the Kazekage's baby.  Useless.  I huffed and snatched the stupid book off the stand.  Hell with it.  If it kept me from having to think, it was worth giving the book a try.  I settled back into the pillows and opened up the offensive thing.  I quirked a brow at it.  This was about dragons?  I sighed.  "Whatever."  I turned to the first page.  Then the second.  This... Was surprisingly not as terrible as I thought it would be.

I was nearly seventy chapters in when the door slammed open.  The sound startled me and the book fell to the floor with a ruffling thud but it didn't matter.  Because there in the door was Gaara.  He was out of breath, his face twisted in an odd expression. 

"Naruto." My name left his lips in a low, raspy tone.

I was speechless.  I didn't know what to say.  I was just... Relieved.  Finally.  He was here.

His eyes widened, then he straightened his back.  His face blanked.  "I see you're awake now."

The words forced me to blink.  Huh?  "I... Yeah, I-"

He turned swift on the ball of his foot, then was once again out the door, it slams shut behind him.

I flinched.  "Gaara?"  The. Hell?


	30. Restraint

 

** Gaara **

I only half paid attention to the meeting going on.  I didn't even want to be here, yet here I was.  I already had written a letter of apology to the two other Kages who were supposed to attend this meeting.  Something about a threat from the west, but my village was far enough inland I didn't have much reason to attend beyond offering support and troops to those who were closer to the threat than I was.

The things I did pay attention to, however, were the things which may be relevant to the attacks on Suna, on Naruto.  If these things were connected somehow, it made this threat much more relevant.  I still hadn't figured out where the prisoner went, or why they went to such an extreme of distraction to release him.  Was the target my family, or Naruto him... Herself.  I chided myself for the mental slip.  Someone had attacked Konoha before Suna, where all signs pointed to the death of the Hokage.  If I hadn't known better, I would have thought the same.  I had thought the same until...

I shifted Kimi in my arms, ignoring the sighs around the table at the movement.  They wanted me to leave her with someone.  How absolutely absurd.  She is mine.  Mine.  Two months into her life, and the idea still seemed highly implausible to me.  Not just the fact I had a child, _me_ , as in the sort which is blood related and from my own bodily functions, but the child's mother was _Naruto_.  The guy I ignored because I thought he was far too inferior to care about.  Then he was the one I tried to kill because he was in my way, then... I snorted at the thought I once believed Naruto was far below me, which also gained me a few odd looks.

"Lord Gaara, if you don't mind, it would be better if you fully paid attention to this meeting's details."

I tilted my head at the man across from me.  Kage?  Probably, I really didn't care who it was at the moment to really pay much attention to the actual inhabitants of the room.  "To this point, the information is yet to be fully relevant to my participation within this meeting."

"The child is distracting." He narrowed his eyes and made a small head gesture towards my precious child.

As though on cue Kimi gurgled awake and began to cry.  A myriad of groans sounded from the table and Shinki, who was standing behind me, handed me a prepared bottle.  I shifted under the stares, still unready to explain her to them.  Wasn't it obvious she was mine?  It was strange, how much she looked like me, a constant reminder she was a part of me.  I made this little thing.  _Me._ Amazing.

The Kage at the other end of the table, who was staring in my direction for most of the meeting though keeping his end of the conversation going without ever moving his eyes from me or the child stood, slamming his hands on the table.  "I demand an explanation of this.  Not only has a birth into your line not been announced to any of us, there was no mention of a wedding.  I can tell by looking at the child it must be yours.  Who is the mother?  Is this an indication of possible dissension from the alliance?"

I worked at consoling Kimi who had taken to outright crying at the man's outburst.  I tried to ignore the question.  I had no desire to yet explain her, or my wife.  Definitely not my wife.  I couldn't just go and tell them Naruto is my wife and Kimi's mother, now could I?  No, not exactly. 

"Lord Gaara."  His voice went low, my name long and drawn out.

I ignored him a moment longer until I heard a clearing of a throat, the entire room silent save for the whimpers from my daughter.  I slowly raised my eyes to the man who disturbed her.  I clenched my teeth.  I didn't even want to be here.  "I have no reason to abdicate."  There.  An answer.  I looked away from the offender and placed the bottle on my little one's lips, which she took greedily.  Her tiny little hands half gripped at the thing in front of her.  Precious little fingers.

"Then-"

I snapped my eyes back up to him.  I was not in the mood.  Before I could attempt to put him in his place for prying, Shinki intervened.  "The matter of my sister's birth is not up for discussion.  There are circumstances which have not been resolved as yet concerning her mother.  You may not be aware, but there was an attack on Suna which she was the primary target." Shinki leaned over the table next to me.

"Shinki." I kept my voice low.  They did not need to know this, and I had no intention of letting them know anything of my private life.

He didn't take notice of my single word warning.  "There has not been an official wedding yet, not a public one.  The birth was a traumatic one, and there are no signs yet of recovery."

"Shinki." I raised my voice this time and he stiffened.  He did hear me then.  Unfortunately, it startled Kimi and she pulled away from her bottle, beginning to fuss and cough.  I gasped, brought her to my shoulder and patted her back.  Then, there was a liquid sounding cough followed by a disturbing warmth on my back.  I groaned.  I decided to explain myself a little to him after our eyes met.  "My personal circumstances are none of their concern."  I gave a quick look to the silent, slightly shocked-looking spectators who were eavesdropping on our very public conversation about my private life.  Why could we not have discussed these things in private?  I don't like this.

"It might be their concern if there is a connection between the attack on Suna and the invaders coming from the west."  He stood then held his arms out.  "Give me, so you can remove your coat."

"There is no proof yet to surmise these invaders are responsible for either the attack on Konoha or Suna."  He wiggled his outstretched fingers at my ploy to avert his attention from Kimi and my coat.  I frowned and I narrowed my eyes at him.  I didn't want to.  I could hold her with my sand while I removed the piece of clothing, or cleaned my coat with the substance as well.  I eyed the others at the table.  It was no use showing them this side of me.  I should try and be normal, or whatever they thought to be normal.  It took every ounce of willpower to remove her from my person, albeit reluctantly, to give her to my son.  I shrugged the coat off of me, folded it so the mess was contained and exchanged the thing with my Kimi as fast as I could manage without employing the help of my sand.  Another thing I've always been careful of is how much sand I used around those I didn't know outside of Suna.  They didn't need to know how much I used it for everything.  I wonder how shocked they would be if I ever got lazy enough to use it here?  Hold up the papers, sign the documents with a sand held pen, holding my glass of water to drink while I sat back in my chair, arms crossed.  I looked down to my Kimi and smirked at the imagined reactions which floated through my mind.  I ignored Shinki while he groaned when he took the offensive fabric from me.

"I much preferred her to this." 

"Perhaps you should have the thing cleaned then."  I heard his steps retreat out of the room without a word in response.  My smirk widened at my sense of authority.  Perfect.  He still listened to me after everything.

Then, I regretted having him go.  The silence in the room made me forget, momentarily, I had many sets of eyes glued to me and my daughter.  I clenched my jaw.  _Shinki, come back._   Don't leave me here alone with these people.  I cleared my throat.  Spectacle.  I hated being a spectacle.  "Are you going to continue or just keep staring at me?  If there is nothing left to discuss I have wasted my time by coming here."  Without intention, I felt the sand respond to my mood by shifting around my body, enough for it to float up around me.  Enough to remind them I always carried my weapon on my person as a constant shield.

It was enough to get the conversation moving, and not in my direction.  I leaned back in my chair.  Still, nothing important was being discussed and I found myself drowning out their voices with my own thoughts.  I shouldn't have come.  It was all pointless.  Even if these invaders were connected to the attacks, what matter did it make?  I will find the ones responsible for trying to murder my wife, my Kimi.  I watched it happen too many times not to have the image of it ingrained within my very being.

The ones responsible for the attacks on both ends, they will pay.  With more than just their lives.  Something behind me shattered and everyone at the table jumped back and out of their chairs.  They looked petrified.  I tilted my head at them in question, then looked behind me.  A small pile of sand was scattered around a broken vase, shifting around as though aggravated.  I took a deep breath.  This sand wasn't my own, yet it responded to my thoughts.  It would be for the best if I stopped thinking about what could have been.  I stood as calmly as I could and cleared my throat.  "It may be best if we called today's meeting here."

There were no objections when I left the room.  When the door shut behind me I sighed and ignored the questioning glances given me by the guards stationed just outside the room.  I made my way out of the building and towards the guest accommodations set up for my arrival here.  I didn't want to stay there.  I wanted to go home.  Home to my wife.  My Naruto.  My Kisarei. 

Were they taking good care of her in my absence?  Were they keeping her clean and fed?  Did they monitor her the way they were told to?  Would they keep the regimen I asked them to keep while I was away?  What if she woke up and I wasn't there?

Coming here was a mistake.  I should have stayed.  I could have dealt with my traitorous brother.  It might have gotten a little messy, but I would have felt better and I would still be home.

I might have regretted the messy part though.  Could I forgive him?

Could I?

Was it even possible to forgive him for keeping such an important detail from me for so long?  I let my weight carry me down to the bed I was using.

When had I arrived at my quarters?  I stared down at Kimi.  I had no recollection of even entering the room.  I took a deep breath.  It's never good for a Kage to lose their concentration.  Ever.  I needed to focus, especially with my children nearby.  Children.  Plural.

I needed to be able to get over this small fact, no matter how unbelievable it still was to me.  I knew this.  However, the small detail played over and over again within my mind.  Father.  Natural father.  Me of all people has fathered a child.  It may have been an accident, but it still happened.  A presence arrived outside the door and I stiffened.  Then, relaxed, ignoring the presence.  Shinki.  Why he was hovering outside my door, I didn't know, nor did I care.  Once I resolved the issue I returned to my thoughts.  My thoughts on being a father.

It was illogical.  Improbable.  Especially considering my daughter's mother, yet entirely true.  Very true.  If I have my way, I will increase this strange phenomenon, as soon as my wife wakes up from her coma and I am able to please the council members enough I can proceed with my damned marriage.

I groaned to myself.  I'd gotten so worked up, I was cursing in my thoughts.  So unlike me, such words are pointless and unnecessary, yet one skated through in a thought.

I needed to go home, and soon.  It would be nice if this annoying meeting wrapped up tomorrow.  Perhaps it would have ended today if I hadn't accidentally lost control of myself, forcing me to exit the meeting before I had to try and explain my actions were harmless and a mere action of my disturbing thoughts.  The memory of the maybes were too fresh.  Too raw.  Too... Too much for me.  I let out a shallow, broken breath.  Naruto's lifeless bloody body still unfading inside my mind.  The feel of my tiny Kimi, losing her life within my hands.  The deep despair after it, the rage, the abandon of all thought and sanity.

Who really cared about such meaningless dribble as what positions foreigners could have and how far into the city they could go, and what passports and papers needed to be signed and by who.  What did it matter if the people paid an extra one percent on their taxes?  Who cared if the money went into funds the people don't know about, or cared about, or...

I should not be here.  I should be in Suna, with my wife.  I should be watching over her, protecting her in person rather than relying on my sister and traitor of a brother to do it for me.

They both were killed in the initial attacks.  I remember seeing their bodies.  I remember seeing their lifeless forms as I stepped over them to get to my Naruto.

How could I possibly expect them to protect her now when I was only able to defeat them with the help of Kimiko original?  I set my Kimi down on the bed and buried my face in my hands.  Useless.  All of this is useless.  Why did everything have to happen this way?  Why couldn't it be easier?  Why did she have to go through so much just for me and the possibility of life with me when she already had everything she ever wanted in the first place.  Everything but one thing.  Me.  What was so important about me she would jeopardize herself, her beliefs, her family for me?

I had no idea.  I would likely never fully understand her decision.  I knew for her the baby was important, but...  If I had everything she had when the possibility of an 'us' arose, would I have so freely given it up?

For Naruto, I am sure I would have.  Naruto is, was and always will be my savior in every aspect of my life, more so now than ever.  Kisarei.  I would have to be careful with her name, saving her true name for us when we were alone.  The door opened, then shut.  There was a moment of silence, then the bed shifted down in the direction I set Kimi.

I heard him take a deep breath, then the bed moved some as he shifted next to me.  I dropped my hands from my face, straightened my back and folded my hands in my lap.  I didn't look over.  I barely had talked to him since the incident at my house.  I wanted to, but it wasn't clear how to do such a thing yet.  Especially now we both knew we were related by blood.  He hadn't said anything about what Kankuro said.  He hadn't said a word to me personally since Kankuro revealed his secret.  I stole a glance at him from the corner of my eye.  I needed to try.  Shinki is my son.  _My_ son.

His head was down, and he held onto Kimi.  His eyes were fixated on her, his expression blank.  I unfolded my hands and took a deep breath.  I can do this.  "Shinki."

He looked up at me, his features which I always found so strangely similar now explained by his relation to my brother.  He didn't say a word, but his eyebrows gave a short arch to question what I wanted.

My mind blanked.  Maybe I couldn't do this.  "I..."  I trailed off.  What exactly did I want to say?  What could I say?

He gave a small sigh.  "It's fine, I'm alright.  A bit sore towards my uncle, but I'm fine." His lips twitched up at the side. 

I felt the crease between my brows return and I gave a slow nod to him.  Close enough.  I suppose it was close to what I wanted to know.  The answer still felt off though, as though I wanted to ask something else beyond his answer.  I just wish I knew what this something else was.   The unknown question knotted my stomach and I stood from the bed. 

Stiff.  I felt stiff.  Tired.  Drained.  I had no business being here.  No business trying to pretend everything in my life was still normal.  No business pretending to care about the other members of the alliance being invaded by outside forces while my precious wife lay unconscious in my bedroom.  In my bed.  My breath caught as images which shouldn't float through my mind presented themselves there anyway.

Maybe it's better I was here, with our marriage on the line, it was best if I didn't allow myself too close to her.  Not until they were satisfied with what they wanted from me.  There was a painful thump inside my chest as I thought of the rigmarole I knew I must endure.  A warmth pressed down onto my shoulder, followed by a small squeeze.  I took a quick breath through my nose.  Shinki.  I couldn't look at him.  He didn't deserve any of this, the sins of his family.  The way he found out about my sordid past.  The way he found out his father was technically not me but his uncle.  I licked my lips.  I should talk to him.  About Kankuro.  About my past.  About Naruto.  Kisarei.  I wanted to tell him nothing changed in my mind on what I desired from him.

I opened my mouth yet nothing came.  Words about myself, my family.  My desires.  These words were always harder for me.  I could give speeches to unite the world if I so desired, yet it sometimes took me years to voice what I desired or felt to those closest to me.  It took me more than two years to explain to Kankuro the reason for my change had been because of Naruto.

"You don't have to deal with everything by yourself you know."

I pulled the sand from my shoulder to remove his hand and clenched my jaw.  "It isn't for you to endure.  The things I've done, they are not your burden."

"Aren't they though?"

I looked over my shoulder to him.  "No."  I kept my voice low to iterate my point.  Never his burden.  It was mine, and mine alone.

"You are wrong, as your son and as the future Kazekage they are mine to endure as well."

My eyes widened and I turned away before he could see any emotion betrayed by my face.  I chose not to respond.  I stood there, stiff until I heard a sigh and retreating footsteps.  The door creaked open, then shut again.

I let out a breath when I saw he left Kimi behind.  This trip was going to be far too long.

.*.               .*.               .*.

It was approximately three in the morning when Shinki slammed the door back open.  He looked completely feral.  His eyes were wide, he was out of breath and had the oddest smirk I had ever seen plastered onto his lips.

I tilted my head at him in question.

"There is news from Suna.  It's urgent."

I felt my heart twist inside my chest.  From Suna?  Why would they send a-  I grabbed hold of Kimi and pushed past Shinki.  Naruto.

It had to be Naruto.  I grasped Kimi as tight to my body as I could and moved to the end of the block.  Then stopped.  Where? It had been over a year since I last visited this place.  Also, I wasn't sure where the message was being kept.

"This way." Shinki passed me and motioned me to follow. 

I gave a curt nod and did as I was told.  I followed Shinki, my mind racing.  Was my wife ok?  Had something new happened?  Was there another attack?

Did my Naruto wake up?  It was this question which dried my mouth and kept me moving.  The world seemed to move by in slow motion on my way for the message, but I was startled once we reached our destination.  How could something be perceived as both slow moving and quick at the same time?

"Through here."  I followed him into the communications center and then up a few flights of stairs.  By the time we reached the door, my heart was securely placed within my throat.  It couldn't be bad news, Shinki wouldn't be so aloof.  Would he?  No, I don't think he would.

Would he?  I needed to stop thinking.  I needed that message.  I needed to know what was going on, if there was something wrong with my wife, with my family, with my nation.  I kept my body stiff in posture, my face carefully blank of emotion.  Calm.  I am the image of calm.  I must be, my emotions were my own.  Others did not need to know of my inner thoughts and feelings.  I pride myself on this, the image of level-headed leadership. 

I nearly dropped the facade as soon as the letter was presented to me and I began to read the words.  There weren't many, but the message was clear.

_Gaara,_

_She is awake._

_-Kankuro_

Leave it to my idiot brother to write such a simple yet shattering letter.  "We are leaving."  I pocketed my precious letter and turned only to be faced down by my son.

"We can't." Emotionless.  Annoyingly silent after such a remark.

I narrowed my eyes.  My traitorous son.  "If you do not wish to have a duel with me, in which I will assure you I will prevail, I would either move out of my way or explain."

"There is a report a giant sandstorm is approaching.  It is going to take two days to clear."

"We are the sand."  I held up my hand and moved a few particles up from my skin into a swirl to demonstrate.  Shinki could protect himself with his metal sand.  There was no need to wait.

"And Kimi?  She is still far too little to chance a sandstorm, isn't she?"

Kimi?  I looked down to my tiny bundle.  I frowned.  If sand were to pass through her tiny lips then...  My stomach fell.  I should never have come here.  "Fine."  I felt the sand on my skin start to agitate.  "Two days, then we will head out promptly towards Suna."  I caressed my little one's face with the side of my thumb before reluctantly handing her over to my son.  "I need to--" He grabbed her and I turned from him.  I didn't know how to explain what I needed to do, but, I needed to do it.  I felt it rising in me.  For the first time fully since Kimi had been born, I felt it rise.

I wanted to kill something.  I wanted to feel the warmth of blood on my hands, wanted the comforting sound of screams and crushing bones filling my ears.  I wanted to make someone beg me for their life only to deny them of the wish, then to deny them of the wish for death. 

A sick game I knew too well.  I needed to get away from the people of this place before my instincts allowed me my release.  I heard his voice call after me, but I paid it no heed.  If the boy was smart, which I knew he was, he would let me go on my way.  Which way I went didn't matter, as long as I was away.  Away from people.  Away from the temptation of the warm bodies around me.  The warm bodies I wanted to grind down into dust.  Two days.  Two entire days before I could head back to my Naruto.

My Naruto, who would be alone.  More alone than she had ever been, and not only was I not there, but I had Kimi with me. 

I need to get back.

I need to go home.

I need my Naruto.  I need her smile.  I need her touch.

I don't need her touch.  What in the world is wrong with me?  I can't touch her until the terms are fulfilled.  I groaned as I passed yet another tree.  How long?  How long would I have to endure this just to marry the woman I love, and who in turn miraculously loved me in return?

I heard a scurrying of footsteps and I snapped my eyes to lock onto the sound.  A squirrel.  I felt my lips twist upward.  A deep chuckle escaped my throat.  This squirrel was not going to have a good day.  I flicked my arm out and caught it quickly in the grasp of my sand.  I flung it across the forest, letting it hit a tree.

Not enough.  It isn't enough.  I felt my body shake and I grabbed its broken body back up, encasing it, then with a swift twitch of my fingers came the satisfying crunch of bones and warmth.  I shivered.  Not enough.  I needed more.  It is never enough.  It wouldn't be hard to go back to--  I fell down to my knees. 

I couldn't.  I wouldn't do it again.  Never again.  What sort of monster am I?  Is bringing death the only satisfying action I could ever perform?  Why can't I get rid of this desire to kill?  Why must it plague me?  Why can't...  "Monster."  I pressed my hands to the ground beneath me, pressing my sand deep into the ground.  I let it roll off of my body and deeper into the dirt below.  I churned it, I forced it into the rocks, I ground against the looser bits until I could feel it adding to the sand of my body.  My reach was growing. 

I forced myself to stop the grinding and pulled what I had made upward, out from the surface.  I swirled it around me into a small sand tornado.  I pushed it faster, faster until the roar of air and sand became deafening.  Here, I allowed it.  I allowed my voice to leave my throat.  I yelled into the sand, I screamed my emotions out into it.  I clenched my fists and pounded my legs with them.  I felt a pain where they hit, but for me, the pain was refreshing.  Sometimes.  When I wanted to feel the pain when I allowed it.  It reminded me I was fellable.  Breakable.  Mortal.

It was daylight before I stopped.  How far into the day I had no idea.  I took a deep breath, brushed myself off and then stood.  I gathered my sand back to my body, then pushed the excess I had created back into the ground where it belonged.  I flinched when I saw the area of the woods I had been throwing my tantrum was reduced to a sandbox.  I grit my teeth and headed back to town. 

I was not going to explain this.  They should just be relieved I didn't do this or something worse while in the city.  Town.  Whatever they wanted to call the place.

I really didn't care, to be honest.  I didn't even want to be here.  Not right now.  Not when there were much more important things to be done.  More important places to be.

I wandered through the streets a while before I realized I was lost.  Where was I staying?  I had no idea.  I scanned the area, giving a silent study of the people who were staring at me from a small distance.  Did they think they were safe from me by standing back, or did I just make them nervous because I was a Kage?  I wasn't going to ask.  Ask about their fear, or ask where I was staying.  I just moved forward, took a deep breath and concentrated on finding Shinki.  I calmed myself and reached out my chakra.  I was bound to find the direction of my room if I found him.  I kept moving until I found his signature, then made sure to just keep following the direction.

It took me a while, but I began to see familiar structures.  The areas of the city I usually encountered were more central, around the government buildings.  I looked up at the Kage tower and decided against it.  I turned down the street towards my room instead.  I wasn't in the mood. 

.*.               .*.               .*.

"Father."

I didn't respond.  We were down to hours before we could leave.  I didn't look back.  I didn't remove my gaze from the window in spite of the fact the view was of another building.  For a Kage, they didn't give me the best of rooms.  I must remember this the next time they visit Suna.  I will put them up in a--

"Father."  Louder, more persistent. 

I gave a slight tilt of my head, letting him know I was listening. 

I heard a sigh.  "They want you at the next meeting."

"I have nothing to add to it.  I am leaving the meeting to you, Shinki.  I trust you know what we are capable of."  I forced my eyes away from the boring view to look at my son.  "There is a possibility the attackers are related to those who attacked Suna.  For this alone, we will offer our assistance when needed.  Remind them we too are dealing with an assailant and must keep most of our forces at home, but we will do as we can.  Beyond these issues, I know you will have the ability to make the necessary decisions needed to keep our alliance strong."  I didn't wait for a reaction, instead, I looked back out the window.  "The moment the way is clear, we head back to Suna, even if the meeting is still active."

"Yes, Father."  There was a moment of silence, then I heard steps retreating, then the sound of the door.

Soon.  Soon I would be able to go home.  Home to my Naruto.  To my wife.

She is awake.  My Naruto is _awake_.  I was tempted to tunnel my way to Suna to avoid the storm, but then it would leave too sensitive an opening into my area.  I contemplated this at the beginning of the storm and was now down to hours.  Hours before I could head back home.  Home.  I felt the twitch of my sand on my body at the thought.  I need to leave.  I need to be ready to leave.  I looked back into the room.

Why are the beds in this arrangement in the first place?  The chairs also would make more sense if I...

I picked up my Kimi and stood in the corner of the room.  It took seconds to raise every piece of furniture up off of the floor.  I moved it around to suit my tastes, then realized, I didn't like it there either.  If the kitchenette were on the other wall, it would be perfect.  I stiffened.  Perfect.  It wouldn't hurt to move the kitchenette to the other wall, it made more sense there.  I set the furniture down at the opposite end of the room, gathered my sand around the built in frame and carefully pulled it out of place.  I moved it to the center of the room and started my work on the plumbing.  I moved my arm slightly out and twisted my wrist as I guided the sand to do my bidding.  Twist this pipe, rewire this electrical outlet, make sure nothing breaks. 

It took me a while of concentration to complete, but the sand found no leaks or any cross-wires once I was done with what I desired.  I grabbed hold of the cabinets and moved them into place and was glad everything matched up perfectly.  I didn't have to redo anything to finish my project.  I felt my lip twitch upward at the thought.  Perfect.  I reconnected the faucet of the sink, plugged back in the appliances and pushed the screws back into this wall.  I looked to the far wall where it once was.

Perhaps I was a bit hasty in moving this after all.  There was a large blank spot on the wall where the unit had been painted around, open holes in the wall and floor from the old plumbing and electrical and missing tile from where it connected to the floor.

I hadn't thought this through.  I tilted my head at the blank space, then looked back to where it had been moved to.  It was too perfect in its new spot.

It would stay.  It wouldn't be too hard to repair the area it once was in.  They will eventually thank me for this, the room had a much better flow now I was able to move the monstrosity of a cabinet from the wall.  Now, to place everything else.  I did a small twirl around to see what was around me and quickly made a decision of how I wanted everything to be. 

The beds in an L shape where the kitchenette used to be, the table and chairs central to the room and the armchair next to the window so one didn't have to sit upon the windowsill in order to see out the window even though there was nothing to look at.

I frowned at the window.  The view could be improved.  If I removed the building next to this or repositioned it--

"What are you doing?"

"The room!"

The first voice was my son, the second was unfamiliar.  "It is better this way."  It was true, it was much better this way.  Why they didn't design it this way in the first place was beyond me.  I didn't bother to look towards the door to see who the other voice belonged to.  The other person was of no significance to me.

"But what have you done to the room?" They sounded panicked, besides themselves.

"It is better this way."  This time I did manage to tilt my head in the direction of the voice.  Some man who was obviously panicking about something insignificant. 

"But-" I narrowed my eyes at him.  Couldn't he see it was better?

Shinki heaved a sigh, grabbed the man by the shoulder then shoved him out of the room with a generic and swift apology.  He tilted his head towards me, his expression matching my own.  "You shouldn't do this to places which don't belong to you."

"It is better this way."  I don't understand what all the fuss was about with it.  Couldn't they see it was better this way?

He merely hummed.  He sauntered over to the corner where our belongings were.  "The meeting is over, we should start heading back."  He picked up his pack and slung it over his shoulder.

I gave him a small nod.  I gathered my things up with sand and moved it into my gourd I kept on my hip, making it only slightly larger.  I never packed much, I didn't need to.  "Have you rations for the trip?"

"Yes."

I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding as I opened the door to the room I had spent far too long inside.  This place, this meeting, all of it was a mistake.  I should have stayed in Suna.  I should have been there when she woke up.  I should have-  "We are leaving."  I wrapped Kimi in a blanket and secured her to my chest.  It would be slower going with her, with her feedings, but at least we were headed in the right direction.

.*.               .*.               .*.

I couldn't breathe once the gates of Suna finally came into view.  We had come across too many complications from travel.  Petty, time-consuming complications.  Kimi needed to be changed too many times.  Needed to be fed too many times.  Shinki needed to sleep twice during our travels. 

What an inconvenient bodily function.  I am glad I wasn't plagued by such things.  I didn't bother to inform Shinki I would be moving ahead, instead I just gathered my sand beneath my feet and pushed it as fast as my abilities allowed, holding my little Kimi close to my chest to protect her from the onslaught of wind and sand which would follow the swift pace.  I ignored the commotion of the guards at the entrance gates, the others I flew over in order to get home.  Home to my wife.  My very conscious wife.

Faster.  I need to move faster.  I pushed harder, I leaned lower, the rumble from my throat evident of my efforts.  I passed over buildings, over different streets.  I pushed myself until my house was in full view.  I didn't let the sight of it deter me in my movements, letting it spur me on.

Almost there.  So very close.  In moments I will be where I needed to be.  There with her.  With my wife.

Everything moved in slow motion, yet happened far too quickly.  I was at the house.  I went through the front door, I went up the many flights of stairs.  Words were yelled, I swear I heard my name, but there was no time to deal with it.  Anything else beyond reaching my room, my Naruto was nothing more than an irritating annoyance.  I did briefly notice the loss of Kimi to arms which were not my own, but with the realization, it was my sister who pried her from my chest, I kept moving.

The door.  Finally, there it was.  In front of me.  I didn't hesitate to shove it open and gave a slight wince as it slammed into the wall at the force.  There was the sound of fluttering pages and I found myself staring into the most brilliant blue eyes I had ever seen.  They took my breath away, what little I had left as the exhaustion of my exertion hurdled into my body like a brick wall.  I fought to catch my breath.  She was sitting there, a book thrown on the floor.  She glowed.  Alive.  She was brilliant.  Beautiful.

Very alive, and very awake.  Very beautiful.  Her expression was one of surprise.  Alive.  The relief I had of just seeing her sitting up, with her eyes open was indescribable.  "Naruto." My voice was raspy from my race to arrive to her.

A flicker of a smile spread upon her face and suddenly my mind was distracted from relief to... Something else entirely.  Lips.  Mouth.  Chest.

The woman who was my wife, my _wife_ was lying in my bed.

Unguarded. 

Images of our kiss floated within my memory, of her heat, of--

My eyes widened as the memories rushed back to me.  I stiffened.  Marriage.  I can't.

I can't touch her.  I forced the thoughts from my mind.  I forced any expression which might have been showing on my face.  "I see you're awake now."  The wrong words.  Awkward. 

The confusion I knew would follow was betrayed by the quick blink and frown that followed the words on her face.  "I..." She stammered some.  "Yeah, I..."

I couldn't stay.  I wanted to do too many things.  I wanted to hold her.  I wanted to press my lips to hers and feel her breath mingle with my own, I wanted--

I turned on the ball of my foot before any of my wants could be acted upon and used the sand to pull the door shut behind me.  I stood stiffly outside the door and let out a shaky breath.  This test was going to be harder than I thought.

"Gaara."

I flinched as a hand pressed to my arm.  "Temari."  I pulled myself from her grip and went to the room where I kept Naruto after I moved her from the hospital.  I was grateful Temari hadn't followed me when I went to shut the door. 

I sunk to the floor.  Naruto, my precious Naruto was awake.

And I can't touch her.

I buried my head in my hands. 

Now what?

_Now what?_

 


	31. Bedrest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry again for the longer update. The next one should be much faster. Trying to work out a better writing schedule so I can work on both and think I finally figured out the best way to approach it instead of trying to do everything at once which only made me stare at the screen for hours on end with barely any typing.
> 
> I hope you all had a wonderful Valentine's day, and in honor of it, I will be using amazon's promotional thingy to make my book free for five days starting tomorrow (Febuary 17th) You can find me on amazon by my author name T R Reed if you want to grab it while it's free :D
> 
> I should have a bunch of extra time coming up (As long as my job doesn't call me in again) so the chapters should be back on schedule now.
> 
> As always, comments/reviews serve to inspire <3

 

**** ****Naruto** ** ** **

I want my god damned baby. No more of these freaking nurses coming to molest me for milk, I want her in damn person. I don't give a freaking hell why Gaara is keeping her from me, or why in the hell he hasn't shown his damned annoying face in the two days since he burst into my room then backed right out again, and honestly, I don't fucking care.

I don't. Not even slightly.

I don't.

 _ _I don't.__  Maybe if I tell myself I don't care enough times I will start to believe it. I stared at the door, willing the damn thing to open. If I could stand up on my own, I would. Then, I would march right out of this room, grab that annoying fucking man by the ear and demand my baby back. She is mine.  _ _Mine.__  I gave everything up in order to have her, I let Hinata, my kids, and my village go in order to have her. My health it would seem.

The health thing was starting to annoy me though. Usually, by now, I was all healed up and ready to get back out there. My time in the hospital never lasted this long. Months. Me? Since when? I couldn't help but wonder if there was something wrong with Kurama. Why wasn't that retched fox healing me? Was I so damaged it was taking him so long to fix me? More importantly, why does it seem everyone magically freaking disappears anytime I bring him up? I was getting sick of it. Sick of the everyone avoiding answers, sick of being ignored. If I wanted to be ignored, I would have left myself the way I was as a kid. It didn't help either my emotions tended to flow between being angry, confused, upset then numb.

There was a noise outside my door and I grabbed my pillow. At this point, I didn't care who was outside the door, I was bashing them in the only way I seemed to have the ability to do at the moment. Via pillow-toss-jutsu. A very formidable form of attack, if I do say so myself. I leaned ever so slightly forward, gripping the fabric of the fluffy thing in my fingers. I narrowed my eyes as the door swung in slow motion inwards. I waited for only a second, heaved the thing behind me and flung it forward with as much strength as I could muster.

Which, unfortunately, didn't seem like freaking much. I groaned as the pillow fell short by feet, not inches from my intended target. Shinki. What in the hell was he doing here anyway? "Out." I wasn't in the mood to deal with either Gaara or his freaking son who was pretty much Gaara with dark hair and a slightly less imposing personality.

Shinki froze in his tracks and stood there like a statue. For minutes. Just freaking standing there, silent and unmoving. I mean, what the hell? What was with these people and their odd reactions to things? I groaned again and fell back onto the bed, now minus a pillow. I shifted. I let out an exasperated sigh. I had to toss my pillow, didn't I? I shifted so I could look back over towards Shinki and the fallen pillow. He was still frozen like a statue and the pillow was not even halfway between us. Really Naruto? That was the best you could do? A few measly feet? "Hey, uh..." I trailed off. I didn't really want to ask him to bring me the pillow I had just thrown at him. I did just order him to get out and all, it wouldn't be right of me. Would it?

I watched him for a second, still a statue. Nah, it wouldn't be right of me to ask. Obviously, me telling him to get out was shocking enough he wasn't going to move.

I stuck my tongue out at him and waved my fingers, then my entire arm. Nope, nothing. I found myself giggling at him. It's seriously uncanny how much like his father he is. I looked back at the pillow, laying there on the floor looking all lonely. I frowned at it. I wanted my pillow back. The bed was uncomfortable without it, and if I were to be entirely stuck in this stupid contraption then I was going to have my damn pillow.

I took a deep breath, then heaved myself back up into a sitting position. This one simply movement winded me, and I found myself fighting to catch my breath. Once I did, I wanted nothing more than to lay back down and maybe take a little nap. I stared at my pillow. Who could sleep on the lumpy mess I left myself with anyway? Nobody, that's who. Maybe Gaara, but only because the idiot doesn't sleep in the first place. Ever.

The memory of what happened back in the cave all those months ago resurfaced in my mind, the scream, the sand, the look on his face when he woke up. No, it's better he never slept.

 _ _Ever__.

Another deep breath. I looked down to the pillow. It was only slightly beyond reach from the bed. What would it be, one, two maybe three steps in order to get there? It wasn't far at all. I could stand. Probably. Maybe. I was going to try it anyway. I hadn't even tried in days. If I tried and made it, I could start working on building my stamina when nobody else was in the room. If I fell, I would wait a few more days before trying again.

I smiled to myself. That's it. Perfect. I was going to work at this. Nothing ever came easily to begin with for me, so what was a little bit of hard work and determination? It took me years of hard work and determination as well as a bit of luck to get to be Hokage, so why not now?

I used my newfound determination to swing my legs over the side of the bed. I took a deep breath and leaned forward, pressing my hands to either side of me on the bed. With just a slight heave, I pushed my weight onto my legs and--

Something hit me in the chest and shoulders with enough force I was back on the bed. I groaned. "The hell?" I looked up to who I knew was the culprit. Shinki. He was standing in the same position, now with his arm and hand out to his side and above me was a swarming cloud of black sand. I swallowed. Hard. "Hey, we can talk about this right?"

He moved his head toward me in a slow deliberate motion, his face completely void of any expression. He lowered his hand and the sand retreated back to him, disappearing into his skin. My stomach turned. He copied Gaara's sand armor? Since when? Why? "Talk about what?" His voice was low, almost a growl. I hadn't seen him since I woke up, not until now. So, why now?

"Why did you come?"

He stared at me a moment then shifted his eyes away.

I sighed. He was as easy to talk to as Gaara. "If you are going to just stand there, how about handing me my pillow."

"If you wanted it, why did you toss it?" His eyes were still focused elsewhere while he asked the monotone question.

I groaned. This kid was starting to annoy the hell out of me. "If you won't let me stand, then just give it here, will ya? Tsch."

His eyes shifted back to me, then he sighed. "Fine." He bent over, grabbed the pillow and tossed it at me.

I grabbed it and muttered out a thanks. I set it back behind me and arranged them back into a more comfortable order. I settled back onto the bed and noticed Shinki staring at me again. "Do you have to be so damn creepy all the time?"

He shifted his eyes away again, took a deep breath then approached the bed. "I am glad you are awake." He spoke so low I could barely understand the words.

"Hell of a way to show it." I frowned at him and crossed my arms. Then quickly uncrossed them. Breasts, right. My life is so weird. The small things reminded me occasionally of what happened. Crossing my arms and not having them completely flush to my skin, the view of the Suna style buildings instead of water or trees outside of the window. Every once in a while I could fool myself into thinking everything was normal, that I was just recovering from something, then, it all crashes down around me. The loss of my family. My supposed marriage to Gaara. The baby I have yet to lay eyes on, but apparently is alive and well since the nurses come and mess with me every so often so she can eat. They haven't even told me her name yet. I felt the sting of tears and looked out to Suna. I didn't want them to see me like this.

I chose this, didn't I? When I decided to keep the baby, this is what I chose and the choice was irreversible. I was happy with my decision. I know I was.

Then why do I feel so damn empty? I clenched my hands into fists. I knew Gaara would be a difficult person to be around all the time but to never actually see him? He was also keeping my baby from me. My baby. Mine. I conceived her, I carried her, I nearly gave my life for her. "I want to see her." I couldn't bring myself to look back to him.

"I know." His voice was soft, almost consoling.

"I want to see her." I couldn't hold back the tears anymore and my voice cracked mid-sentence. They stung at my eyes and I could feel them start to drip down off of my chin.

Shinki didn't respond to me. There was only silence. Complete and utter silence. I hate the silence. When my tears dried and the feeling I had dulled down to a simple numb I dared to look over to where he had been standing. Gone. Figures. I sighed. I looked over to the side table to the bed and eyed the book. Reading? No thanks. I looked up to the spiral on the wall. He seemed to more or less want me around when I was still pregnant. Was it just because of the baby? Did he even still want to go through the motions of a real marriage?

What made him think I would even do that if he can't even bother to show his face beforehand? How long would he be away? Would he ever come and see me again? Did he even care?

Probably. I am not so stupid as to think he would want me dead or anything, but dang. What the hell? I know he has the social skills of a turnip, but damn, this was ridiculous. I am his wife. Wife. Me.

I am not sure how long before that would sound right to me. If it ever will.

Who in the hell am I now anyway? What in the hell am I supposed to do now? When I recovered, would I be a Suna ninja? If not, what in the hell would I do? It would drive me mad to just sit around and do nothing. This was driving me mad. I want to get up and move. I want to see my friends. I want to see my kids. I wanted to go swimming. I wanted to run over the rooftops and look out at my village. I wanted to talk to the stone heads of my predecessors. I wanted to go on a picnic. I wanted to stand under the waterfall and let the cool water pound down on my back. I wanted--

I rolled onto my side. I needed to stop thinking. I hate thinking. Thinking never did me any good. I closed my eyes.

It would be better to sleep.

* * *

How many days? How many days have I been awake? How many days has Gaara stayed away? How many days before he will even bother to come in person? I heaved a sigh and stared up at the spiral on the ceiling. Uzumaki. Was I even considered an Uzumaki anymore, with me becoming a woman and the wife of the Kazekage, I wasn't so sure anymore. We were about as gone as the Uchihas, if you thought about it enough. Removed from the planet because the others thought we posed too much of a threat. Go figure. Look at me now, laying in a bed barely able to move.

Could I move?

Could I make a clone? Was I strong enough? I looked over at the door. I was alone. I didn't hear anyone coming. It shouldn't be that hard to make a clone, I mean, it has been days since I tried last. Maybe even weeks. I had to at least try.

I had to. Besides, what else did I have to do while holed up here in this stupid room surrounded by cute baby things minus the baby all the things belonged to?

It was freaking depressing. I held my hands up to my chest in the gesture I needed. "Come on Naruto, you're better than this." I grit my teeth, concentrated my chakra in my hands and--

"Awe, damn." My head went fuzzy and my vision blurred. Maybe I wasn't ready after all.

* * *

I gasped for breath. Did I do it? I felt... Lighter than usual. Wait. I looked at myself and realized I was standing. In Gaara's room. Did that mean... I looked down, to my own body. I sighed. Clone. Well, it worked then. I looked at my own sleeping form, or passed out is more likely the term for it, seeing as I was awake and the original was out like a light. Not perfect, but at least it was better. As far as I remember, the last attempt only knocked him out for a few days. Her. Definitely her.

It was kinda weird looking down at myself like that. Wow, I really am a damned woman aren't I? I leaned over myself, placing my hand on the bed to hover. I stared at myself. How in the world did I make such a pretty girl? Hell, if I weren't me, I would date me. I was actually kind of hot. "Tsch."

Stupid thoughts. Well, Gaara is a pretty lucky guy, married to that. I laughed at myself, knowing Naruto original would wake up with the memory of ogling himself. Herself. "Whatever, damn." Maybe I wasn't as used to being a woman as I thought I would be by now. I looked to the door.

I could escape. I could find Gaara. I could see my baby. I looked down to the hospital gown I was in. I would need to change first. Was there even anything in this place I could wear? The only thing I've worn besides this since getting here was the dress he put me in on the day I had the baby. The day he proposed to me. I felt a small pain in my chest at the thought. Had he changed his mind? Did he regret it? Was being with me a bit too weird for him? I mean, it was kinda weird for me too. I'm a guy after all. Was a guy. A foreigner, someone who before the wish would have remained a close yet distant friend. I had the baby a couple weeks ago, at least to me it is what it felt like. "Not like it was my own damn fault I didn't wake up right away you know. Tsch. Whatever." I did a quick spin to assess where I might find a change of clothes.

There weren't any closets I could see, but I could see a couple of dressers. Perhaps in one of those, I would find a change of clothes. I was smaller now, so maybe I could actually fit in his clothes. I stiffened as I remembered ripping apart his jacket when I went back to my normal self in the cave.

Normal. I sighed. Not normal anymore, this was my new normal. What in the hell was normal anyway? Who the hell knows. I opened up a few drawers, but most were either empty or filled with books and trinkets.

One was filled with bones. This one made my heart jump up to my throat and I shut it quickly. "Gaara, I don't even want to know." It was best not to think about bones when it came to him. There was a reason he still scared the hell out of me at times, and deep down, I know he does his best, but it's still there. All that crazy. You don't just completely get rid of that shit.

You just don't. You just learn to hide it better. I know, because I have been in a similar place, though never quite that nuts. It still chilled me to the bone, if I had it like him, would I have ended up the same way? Maybe. It's a fact that still haunts me. I stared at the drawer a moment then moved on to the next dresser. Leave it to Gaara to literally have skeletons in his closet. Creepy. I opened a few more drawers before I hit the jackpot of clothing. Everything was folded meticulously. Also, leave Gaara to spend way too much time on folding his clothes. Then again, when you had a few extra hours of being awake every night, I could see why he would get bored, but...

There were better things to do while being alone and awake in the middle of the night besides folding clothes and rearranging furniture wasn't there? I looked back at the drawer which was filled with bones. Well, folding clothes and rearranging furniture was probably better than adding to his bone collection.

I grabbed out a plain black top and pair of pants. I stared at the drawer. Was this everything? How many sets of this stuff did the guy own? I froze. Why in the hell would I even care? Like I was one to talk about the variety of clothes, I've been wearing orange since forever, and usually only changed the style of clothes every five to ten years. I sighed. Once everything evened out and if he went through with the public marriage thing, it would probably change. I would assume the wife of the Kazekage would be expected to keep up appearances.

I shuddered. Fashion. I hate dealing with that crap. I tried to clear my mind of the maybes and shoved off the slip of a hospital gown I had on and pulled on the outfit I found. It didn't take me long, and once it was completely on I felt sick to my stomach. "Come on, really?" I held up my arms and looked at the fabric which was beyond my fingertips. How was this even physically possible? I knew I had shrunk some, but this was a little bit ridiculous. Gaara wasn't the biggest guy I knew by any means, he was always just a bit of a shrimp, so for his clothes to be this loose on me...

I didn't even want to think about what it meant. Maybe these were Kankuros. They had to be.

They just had to be. I took a deep breath, which was a bit shakier than I would have preferred. What am I? What is Naruto? I looked over at the sleeping woman in the bed. Me original. I worried my bottom lip between my teeth. I should get a better look at me, prepare myself for what I really look like. The quick look at myself earlier was only noting how hot I looked while I slept, but...

But I should take a more serious approach, this was going to be our body from now on. At least, I don't think there is a going back from this point. Was there? Would I want to? The baby was already born, so if this was temporary for the baby, it hadn't worn off. Not even close.

I moved forward and nearly tripped. I groaned and bent over to roll up the legs of the pants I was wearing. "Don't even think about it Naruto, don't even dare to think about it."

I hate silence. Why did everything have to be so quiet all the time? Why did Gaara seem to like the quiet? Maybe I would ask him someday. Maybe. Once my pants were rolled up I approached the bed. I pulled down the covers and took a longer look at the body there. My body. Her body. Our body.

It isn't me. I grabbed one of my arms and lifted it up. So... Frail. Since when could I ever be described as frail? She was thinner than she should be, far too slim. The muscles were barely there. Ninja huh? If I didn't know any better, this body was hardly one which could ever belong to a ninja. I frowned. Why wasn't this being rectified by Kurama? I mean... Honestly. That idiot must be sleeping on the job, it was better for both of us if he kept us healthy.

I pressed my hand to her stomach. I know I shouldn't try to use my chakra to avoid disappearing before I was ready to, but...

I needed to know. Was he alright? It didn't feel right, I hadn't felt his presence in our body since waking back up. The familiar heat was gone. He could be sleeping, or ignoring me, but what if he wasn't? What then? I needed to know. I gently pushed my chakra down, careful not to use too much but...

But...

I pressed further. Then further. My stomach twisted.

"No... No, no, no." I pressed further, physically pressing down on her stomach. Where was he? "Where in the hell are you, Kurama? What the hell? " I pressed my other hand down to help. Maybe I wasn't using enough chakra, maybe I was too weak. I was losing my mind. Nothing.

 _ _Nothing__.

"Don't you dare be dead on me, ok?" I pressed further and my entire body began to shake. Nothing. "Where are you, huh? Where... Where are..." My breath was gone. He was gone.

He was  _ _gone.__

Now what? He couldn't be. How was I even alive if he wasn't there? What happened to him? Did he die? Did my wish kill him? What was I going to do?

What in hell was I going to do? How could I live without Kurama? How? What... What would I do? Could I even be a ninja? Would I ever fully heal? What happens if...

What happens if...

I let out a sob. I wasn't ready for this.

I was never ready for  _ _this__. My legs gave out from under me and I buried my head between my knees. Breathe. I needed to breathe.

Everything was going to be fine.

"Everything..." I trailed off.

It was no use. It was a lie.

Nothing was fine. It would never be fine.

It would never be...

I gave in. I started to expel my chakra. To hell with finding the baby.

To hell with trying to find Gaara.

What did it matter anyway?

I didn't want to feel anymore. I didn't want to--

I gave a small exhale as darkness filled my vision. It was better to go back to the original.

It was better to--


	32. Stasis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it has taken me so long to get this chapter up. It was super hard for me to write, and I am not even sure why. Maybe I have too much going on, or I was just having problems connecting to what was happening. Hopefully, I have gotten past this bit and I can hunker down and pump out a few more chapters as well as get more of my side piece to Inheritants done.
> 
> Thank you for sticking with me. I promise I will never abandon this or any of my current works, no matter what is going on in my life :) As always comments/reviews serve to inspire.

 

**** ****Naruto** ** ** **

I stared at the spiral while the woman whose name I didn't know removed fluid from my chest so the baby I have not seen could have nourishment. Is this all I'm reduced to? A milking machine? What good was I now? If what I remembered from my clone is correct, I no longer have Kurama.

Makes sense, I am not healing all that well, but that still doesn't completely explain why my Uzumaki genes weren't helping speed things along either. Did my wish remove that trait as well? Or was it the only thing which kept me alive at all?

I really didn't want to think about it. I felt a sharp twinge and I hissed out.

"Sorry." With the word, the nurse moved my gown back in place and I heard her shuffle out of the room with the stolen milk of my body.

I sighed and continued staring at the spiral on the ceiling. What good am I anyway? How long had it been since I made the clone? Two, three days now? Something like that. Still no baby, still no Gaara and no more surprise visits from Shinki. Or Temari. Or Kankuro. Where was everyone? Why was I abandoned? Was everything I was good for done already? Did they only want me awake so I could feed Gaara's baby?

If that was the case, then what were they going to do with me once my milk runs dry? Lock me in a closet somewhere and push meals in? I stiffened. Actually, I could see him do that. Keep me like some private yet exotic pet. What sort of life would that even be? Would Gaara actually do that to me?

I pushed myself up into a seated position. I don't know. I honestly don't know. He might. He was weird like that. Unpredictable. "Damn it. I can't take this anymore. I just can't take it." I didn't care if I fell over. I didn't care if I could not stand or walk or even get stuck on the floor without much way to get me back up once I was down.

There was just no way I was just going to keep sitting or laying here with nothing to do besides read while everyone else lived their lives without me. I went through too much to have it be this way. I gave up too much for it to be this way, damn it all. I swung my legs over the side of the bed. To hell with it. I wasn't going to do this anymore. I've done it their way long enough. I was going to do something about this. I was going to see for myself what was going on. I was going to hunt down my baby, my good for nothing husband and take back what is mine.

I was going to find a doctor and see what in the hell was wrong with me. See what I might be able to do in order to get some strength back. I had to. I just had to. I gripped the sides of the bed and took a deep breath. "Now or nothing." I grit my teeth, I scooted as far to the edge as possible and gave a small push. My weight transferred to my legs easily. I gave a small laugh, moving my arms up and out for balance and I stood. It hurt, it was tiring, but I was standing. "No sweat." I stayed balanced, I stayed standing, so I took a step.

Then landed on my face. I cried out a little before I could stop the sound. "Damn it." I rolled onto my back. "Damn it, damn it, damn it!" As though to respond to me, the door swung open and I froze. Caught. "Damn."

"You aren't supposed to be out of bed." The voice was low, monotonous and not one I wanted to hear.

I looked up at him from where I was laying on the floor. "Hey, Shinki, what brings you here at this hour?" I gave a high pitched, broken laugh and scratched the side of my head. Smile. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is out of place. I am fine.

I am fine. Honest. Maybe if I tell myself this enough, I would believe it. I felt the smile on my face waver but I forced it to stay. Smile. Be goofy. It was always better to be annoying to people rather than have them pity you.

 _ _Always__.

He gave a small groan, bent over and grabbed my arms. "If you are going to stand, at least ask so you don't break yourself." He gave a small tug and I flew up to my feet faster than I thought possible.

My breath hitched and I found myself standing in front of Shinki, arms over my head with him holding me up. Wait. Hold on. What the hell? I was still looking up at him, as in, I was looking  _ _up__  at him. This time the smile failed me. How short was I now? His eyes widened some and I looked away from him. How freaking embarrassing. "Don't get me wrong or nothin' but I don't need your help." I choked the words out, my throat too tight for my liking. I felt my eyes burn. How much different from myself could I get?

"Right."

My world shifted and I lost my balance as my arms shifted to the side. I tried to catch my feet up to my body but I twisted and fell, only held up at an angle from where Shinki still held my arms. He dragged me back to the bed, then tossed me up on it. I didn't fight it. Fine. Great, just freaking great. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I just laid there, my head to the side. I didn't move, I didn't fight it. What was the point of fighting it?

"Acknowledge your weakness and ask for help when you need it." His voice was low and monotonous, almost condescending.

Weak. Me, Naruto Uzumaki, Hokage, weak. I knew, but for him, of all people to say it... I didn't move, I couldn't move. I didn't even flinch when he touched my arm after a moment of silence. I couldn't bring myself to acknowledge his presence or his words. Why should I? Just because he was Gaara's didn't mean I had to treat him like my own kid, did I? Should I? Did it even matter?

"Kisarei."

I stiffened. Kisarei. What Gaara named me. Kisarei. Who was she anyway? Was it really me? How could it be? I am Naruto. Naruto Uzumaki.

I'm... "I don't need your help." I covered my face with my arm. I felt tears coming, and I really didn't know if I could hide it. "I don't need anyone. Just leave me be, will ya?"

It took a while before I bothered to look back over to where he was. He was gone. The door was shut. I was alone, and I didn't even know. I looked back up to the spiral over my head.

Spiral. Uzumaki. Naruto. Konoha. All of it, gone for me. Who am I now?

Who?

Maybe I should have died when I had the baby.

.*. .*. .*.

It took me a while to get out of the funk I was in. Then I came to the realization Shinki was assigned to be my guard or something. Every time I tried to move, there he was. Every time I made a clone, there he was. Silent and judgemental. He hadn't said another word to me since I told him I didn't need him. Why would he? Then again, the silence was slowly, or not so very slowly driving me completely nuts. His random presence only made the feeling more obvious. There, but not. Every time I moved, every time I made a clone which made any kind of sound, every time I screamed out in frustration he would be there in front of me, staring at me with his annoying expressionless look on his face and his eyes glued to me. Those beady little eyes which judged me and had such terrible thoughts. They had to be terrible if he couldn't bother to utter a single word. He probably thought I was a waste of time and space at this point.

Days. It had been days since I had my little breakdown, days since I told him I didn't need him. Days worth of clone attempts, days worth of trying to stand up. I was getting better, better at everything. I could almost stay conscious when I made a clone. I was starting to formulate a plan. A devious and masterful plan. One befit a ninja of my status. A rank A mission, a mission which, perhaps, was more dangerous than any old rank A mission. One only a Kage could perform. Good thing I was a Kage once and not all that long ago either. The tiny fact I'm married to the ninja who would find the indiscretion punishable by death might help the success of the self-appointed mission a smidge. As long as he still wanted me to live anyway. I was starting to wonder.

Either way, I needed out of this room, out of this bed. I needed to get some fresh air. I needed a change of scenery. I needed to move. I needed noise. I needed to see Gaara. I needed to hear Gaara. I needed to see my daughter. I needed to hold her. Check to see if she was alright. I needed to...

I clenched my fists. I wanted to at least know my own daughter's name, damn it. Why couldn't anyone at least tell me what her name was? Is. Were they hiding something from me? Was that what was going on?

I felt a lump form in my stomach. The acid churned and I closed my eyes to keep myself from being sick. I had no time for worry or being sick. Hell with it. The mission was a go. All I needed to do was get past Shinki, the fiend. I just needed out of these walls, needed to talk to somebody, anybody, I needed to just... Something. Anything. I couldn't do this anymore. I've been talking to myself too much lately. The nurses even stopped talking to me. I hate the silence and it's been way too quiet. Even without the need to know about my daughter, I needed out. I wasn't the type of person who thrived on being a prisoner for long periods of time. It was just too quiet for it. I couldn't even clone myself to a degree of self-amusement. It felt too much like it was before I learned how to clone myself successfully. "Hello?"

As expected, nothing. Way, way too damn quiet. I groaned. "Why are you punishing me?" I whined the last word. I didn't care if anybody heard me or not. In a way, I wanted them to hear me. I wanted them to know I was freaking miserable. Hell, I would scream it from the window, if I could actually get myself there and open the damned thing.

Another groan. I knew I was being punished. I did sort of force this on Gaara, the whole baby thing, me. I knew it was a long shot to even try to have any kind of normal relationship with the man. He's too much of a loner, too damaged, too... Of course, he'd avoid me now the reality set in I was here and living. Why wouldn't he? I did try to keep it to myself for a while, but... Who was I kidding anyway? Wasn't this more or less what fantasized about randomly for years? I wouldn't exactly admit the length of it, but...

Why in the hell deny it anymore? Looking back it was obvious, no matter how much I blinded myself to it, ignored it. There was a reason Gaaruto existed in the first place, the bastard. A reason why my own wife would insinuate I had a thing for the man then go to the lengths she did for this to happen in the first place. A reason why I didn't fight  _ _this__  more than I did. I could have given up the baby. Vowed never to see him again in favor of keeping my position, my kids, my village. Yet, I didn't. Because it would be giving up Gaara. Giving up Gaara was impossible, would always be impossible. Even if I only saw him every few years, I always knew he was there. Always wished the best for him. Always knew I would see him again. Always knew I would be there for him if something went bad.

Ever since the day we fought, I had a small obsession. I thought of him more than most. I mean, there was my team, Sasuke, Sakura and Pervy Sage when I was a kid. But any time I had a way to find out about him, I would drop everything to find out. Until the idiot left, but we all make mistakes, right? A small pain erupted in my stomach as I remembered brushing his hand from my shoulder. The look he gave me a moment before his mask returned. It didn't register until later what I had done. He at least understood, more than most. He told me the words I both hated and needed, then left me.

Give him up?

No, I could never do that to him. Not  _ _him__. Ever. I could make him happy, couldn't I? I could fix this, couldn't I? Not me, but the situation. Maybe, maybe if I could talk to him, it would be better.

Maybe, if I could just apologize, maybe if I could tell him how sorry I was for everything. Maybe if I promised to keep my distance, or stick around, or whatever he needed me to do it would make everything ok. Maybe. I combed my hands through my hair. Longer. Closer to how long it was when I was a kid. I've had my hair short since before I started to date Hinata, so it kinda felt weird to me. I kept my fingers in my hair, pinched it between the creases of them and gave a soft pull. I let it slide between my fingers until I felt the end hit and then pushed my hand back to my head. I groaned. A good inch or two.

I let my hand fall to my side. It grew a few inches. I swallowed, realizing I hadn't paid much attention to much about myself while I was stuck in here. I hadn't been near a mirror and then look at myself by my clones seemed a bit foggy to me, and I either passed out before I could look at them or...

Or I did my best not to look. I didn't want to know. Knowing would be the last of me, I think. I still could picture myself in my head. Tall, damn handsome, muscular. Short blonde hair and adorned with black and orange. Always orange. If I fully acknowledged how I look now, would I forget? Forget what I looked like, forget who I am, forget what I used to be?

Would I? The nagging feeling I would never be a ninja again crept back into my mind. "If not a ninja, then what the hell am I?" I sighed at the answer of silence. Hell with it. I raised my hands to my chest. "Best to get it over with, yeah?" Again, silence. I couldn't stand it anymore. I needed to have someone to talk to, even if it was just me. Besides, I could start making plans with him.

Her.

Whatever, damn. I grit my teeth and focused my energy into my center, transferring it to my hands. "Come on Naruto, you're better than this. Stay the hell awake this time." I felt tingles spread through my body, my breath quickened and I gave a small high pitched whimper as I released it.

I felt both sick and exhausted the moment I did and fell back onto the bed. I closed my eyes. Maybe, maybe if I just rest, just a little...

.*. .*. .*.

I woke to a thumping on my forehead, as though somebody was flicking it with their fingers. I groaned and grabbed at the sore spot, only to have the same thump happen to the back of my hand.

"Damn, finally. I was seriously starting to think that mini-me of Gaara would find me out before you woke back up. I mean, come on." She stressed it, obviously annoyed. "You've been doing this for years, so why all of a sudden you falling asleep when you make clones anyway? Just because your a girl now shouldn't be the reason. Tsch." A high pitched voice I didn't recognize sounded over me.

I forced my eyes open in spite of how tired I still felt. "The hell?" A girl who looked suspiciously familiar was inches from my face and it took but a moment to realize she was straddling me as well.

"As I said, about freaking time. If I remember right, you wanted to, ya know, be awake for this shit. I'm right, aren't I?"

I blinked a few times then groaned. "Yeah, that's right."

She leaned back some and the view of her was unmistakable. Disheveled blonde hair, the indents of whiskers on her cheeks and the smile I sported most of the time. Is... Is this what I looked like now? I took a deep breath and allowed my eyes to wander downward. The plump lips, the curve of her neck, the thin shoulders... She laughed before I could get too far in my visual exploration. "Enjoying the view of yourself?" She leaned back and ground her pelvis into mine.

I whimpered, but there was no sensation from it. I swallowed as I felt my stomach sink. Another obvious thing which screamed 'Not a man'. I tried to ignore the thought. "What are you--"

She burst out laughing and pointed at me. "Ah, you should have seen the look on your face." She rolled off of me and started to laugh so hard she half bent over, clutching her stomach. It was here I noticed she wasn't wearing the same hospital gown I was. I also noticed she wasn't wearing anything of Gaara's. No, it was something much more... feminine. Red, low cut and a bit higher on the thigh than I personally want to wear, I think.

Normally, I would completely go for something like that. Say, on Hinata or even Sakura or something. But on  _ _me__? The me which was real and not some sexy jutsu I had come up with? "What are you wearing?" I left the 'take it off' from the words in case the clone would follow suit, and I am not entirely sure I would want to see me in all my natural glory, at least not yet.

She stood back up and wiped tears from her eyes. "Ah man. Priceless, completely priceless." Standing gave me a better overall idea of what the hell I looked like now.

My stomach turned again. Why me? I didn't just turn into a girl like Hinata, Sakura or even TenTen, but more like someone I could see in the movies. Small, kinda frail looking, a little bit plain in body. The type I would normally go out of the way to protect because they kind of screamed 'victim' just by existing. I groaned and tried to get my mind off of the hopeless nature of my condition. "You didn't answer my question." The accusation didn't have any power to it, I didn't care anymore. Would I ever gain enough strength to be even a basic ninja? I was starting to doubt it.

"A dress." I was thankful for the distraction in my thoughts when she finally answered me. "I found it in the bathroom in one of the drawers. Weird huh?" She pulled on one of the shoulder straps.

"Since when was there a dress in the bathroom?"

She gave a quick shrug then did a small twirl, letting the edges of the too short dress flip upwards. "I wasn't going to at first, but then I was all 'why not?' It fits so..." She trailed off and then frowned at me when she looked back to the bed. "I wasn't trying to shove all this in your face if that's what you're thinking. I'm you, you know. I don't much like it either." She took a step closer and sighed. "You've been asleep a couple hours, so I processed it a bit faster than you."

"A couple hours?" Damn. I thought I was getting at least a little better about this. I sat up and crossed my arms over my stomach in a way that I held myself. "What made me think I would be ok with all this? I mean... What made me think I would be ok with  _ _all__  this?" I winced as my voice cracked. I didn't even recognize it anymore. "Damn. Just damn."

"You didn't." Her voice was lower than before and she sat on the edge of the bed, looking towards the window. " _ _We__  didn't."

I felt a lump form in my throat. She was right. "Oh."

"The now. The next day, the dream. Honestly, we didn't think past the hope of living long enough to meet her." She looked back to me. "We need to meet her."

I nodded. "Yeah."

She looked down, then back towards the window, the signature smile we are known for, gone. The need to fake it wasn't necessary for us, not when it was just myself I was dealing with. I knew the unspoken truth behind the need. One I didn't want to think. One I didn't want to acknowledge, but it was there.

The need to meet her. See if she really was worth all this. See if I could bond with her the way a real mother would bond with her children. See if I loved her as much as I loved the idea of her. The amount of time I've spent alone, I wasn't so sure anymore. "Do you think she will love us? What do you think her name is?" It felt good to speak the question aloud to someone who wouldn't blatantly ignore it.

The clone brought her eyes up to meet mine and her frown deepened when she did. "Are we sure we want to do this?"

I hugged myself tighter.

I didn't answer.

I didn't have one.


	33. Separation Anxiety pt 1

#  ** **Gaara** **

The rapping at the door was sharp to my ears.  Irritating.  I felt the need to murder something getting stronger again.  For a while the simple presence of Kimi was enough to keep my usual cravings at bay, but since Naruto woke back up...

I was not so very lucky.  I was acutely aware there was a possibility there was something quite wrong with me.  Not the usual, more acceptable ex serial killer sort of wrong with me, if it were in fact acceptable, which I highly doubted but I did somehow become the ruler of this place.  The entire concept of it amused me at times.  No, not for that but the more, not quite as acceptable kind which led a man to completely avoid his own wife and keep her own child from her due to his own selfishness sort of wrong with me.

"Gaara." I heard the muffled voice of my annoying sister penetrating the door and I shoved more sand in between us, blocking her out, muffling her voice more than it already was.  Even with the sand, I could still hear her though.  The woman was loud, I will credit her there.

I however, was simply not in the mood to deal with her.  I was not in the mood to speak to Kankuro.  I was not in the mood to talk to Shinki, Baki, either council or...

Anything moving or breathing outside of the tiny thing in my arms.  Who was also getting annoyed by the commotion outside the door, or was picking up on my mood.  With a sigh I shifted her in my arms but it only caused her more distress.  Her fusses turned into more of a whimper and I shifted her to my shoulder.  I rubbed firm circles on her back, which usually calmed her down but...

A shrill cry erupted from her little mouth.  I felt a tightening in my throat and I started to spew nonsensical words at her in hopes she would calm, yet to no avail.  The cry only became louder, more shrill, more demanding.

A roar sounded from the door and sand blasted into the room as well as wood fragments.  I had just enough time to shield Kimi from the blast and I glared at the figure of a seething mad woman in the doorway holding a giant fan.  I should kill her for this.  Not just for the door, but for upsetting my baby.  My stomach twisted at the thought of mine and my anger was renewed tenfold as I thought about Temari upsetting her.

She was going to die for this.  I moved my hand off of her back, started to gather sand and prepared myself.  It would be simple.  I could easily penetrate her defenses.  I could destroy the evidence.  Her family already left towards Konoha.  I could blame her disappearance on attackers on her way back to Konoha, I...

I dropped the sand when my ears were pierced by even more persistent cries from my little Kimi.  "Shh."  I bounced her a little.  Nothing.  Her cries persisted.  Why was she crying?  Why was this not working?  How do I make her happy?

I want her happy.  Why can't I make her happy?  I felt my body stiffen as I worried on it, I felt the sand on my skin begin to crack.  I heard my name, but I didn't care.  My name didn't matter.  Nothing beyond Kimi mattered.  I needed to calm her down.

Why was she crying?

Why?  I gave her a bottle not a half hour ago.  She was clean, she shouldn't be tired.

I was frozen.  Frozen as she cried.  Frozen as she was pried from my arms.  Frozen as the crying stopped the instant she was away from me.

There was something wrong with me.  What have I been thinking?  How could I be a good father to her when I had no idea what to do?  When I had no idea what being a good parent really entailed.  I wanted to be better.  I __have__  to be better.

I don't think I can.

I don't...

"Gaara?"

What business did I have being a father?   _ _Me.__   The entire notion was somewhat inconceivable to me.  To anyone who knew me for what I was.

"Gaara." The voice penetrated my thoughts.  Irritating.

I shifted my eyes to the culprit.  Temari.  I stared at her.  She is holding my child.  She...  I felt the sand around me react as the feeling of threat filled me.  Mine.

Kimi is __mine__.

I flinched as a weight formed on my shoulder.  Touching me.  Why is she touching me?  I blinked then swatted her hand away from me.  "What do you want."  It wasn't a question, it was a demand.

Her hand went for my face this time.  I grabbed her by the arm before she made contact.  I tilted my head in her direction.   _ _Don't touch me.__   My lips thinned and I felt the crease between my brows form.  I didn't need to say the words.

She stood still.  She stood there longer than I had expected her to, her eyes wide.

Fear.  It was an emotion I hadn't seen from her in a long time, not like this.  "Temari."  I'm sorry.  Don't touch me.  Give me back my baby.  Don't look so frightened of me.  I couldn't settle on any of these phrases, so left the statement at her name.  

In spite of the fear in her eyes, the hand I was holding shot forward and touched the corner of my eye.  Where she touched felt cool after her hand pulled back and she showed me the slight wet on her finger.  "You're crying."

I grit my teeth.  I strengthened my grip on her arm until I heard a disturbing crack followed by a strained whimper.  I gasped and removed my fingers from her and took Kimi from her before she could protest.  I straightened my back at the instant glare sent my way.  I looked away.  I broke her.  "I will send for Kimiko."

"Gaara, you need to get over your damned self and see your wife.  Don't you realize the council doesn't count no contact as a way of self control?"

"Get out." I lowered my voice.  I didn't want to hear it.

She sighed, then after a moment, I heard the door across the hall slam shut.  I let out a breath.

"I know this."  I slumped into the chair next to the bed in the room.  Some of the old machines were still hooked to it.  I leaned back to look up at the ceiling.  The spiral.  What am I going to do?

What could I do?  I had no idea how to control an emotion I was not used to nor did I have any idea how to fully suppress the physical reaction in my body caused by it.  Besides, there was the other issue.

Naruto.  Kisarei.  My best friend.  My wife.  I had no idea what to say to her.  I had no idea how to explain what happened when our Kimi was born.  I didn't know how to comfort her once she knew Kurama was no longer in her body.  Her.  Now she had the baby, I had no idea if she would still romanticize the idea of being married to a monster like me.  Temari was correct though.  I couldn't just ignore the problem for it to go away.  I wouldn't go upstairs one day to find Naruto back to normal, my annoying reaction to her wouldn't change and Kurama wouldn't magically redistribute back to his original host.

What I didn't know was what to do.  How would I approach her?  Talk to her?  Explain everything?  Help her adjust?  I had no idea.  I still couldn't fathom entirely what was going on.  Me of all people a husband and father, an idea I had given up on years ago.  I had Shinki and until just a few short months ago, he was enough for me.

Kimi started to cry again and I patted her back.  I should call Kimiko for Temari, even though I had been avoiding her as well.  I had a sneaking suspicion that corrupted clone was in her vicinity, and I still hadn't dealt with everything which happened the day Kimi was born.  "What should I do, little one?"  I held her out from me, hooking my thumbs under her tiny arms and she looked up at me with teary bright eyes.  Naruto, they reminded me so much of him.

Her.  I frowned.  I hadn't slipped in reference to Naruto's new identity in a while.  Naruto.  She was still Naruto.  Wasn't she?  I felt myself stiffen at the thought.  What if....

No.  I was not going to think about this.  I wasn't.  Naruto was my wife now, yet...  She both is, and is not Naruto.  She...  I couldn't.  My throat tightened.

I __can't.__

I moved Kimi so she wasn't looking up at me anymore, the full proof of my union with him.

Her.

What was wrong with me?  Why was I backtracking in my thoughts?  I gripped onto her little body and pressed her against my chest.  Don't look.  Everything was fine.

Just fine.

I ground my teeth and left the room with a quick glance towards the room Temari shut herself into.  Kimiko.  Call Kimiko.  I looked at the stairs, grit my teeth and proceeded down them towards the kitchen.  Why did I only have one phone in this house?  I should have one on every floor, but then again it would require me to actually use one more often, and I wasn't going to have that.

If people found out their Kazekage had easy access to communication outside of the office they would be calling me constantly and it was far too exhausting to keep up airs all the time.  It was bad enough having to do such things outside the house.

I wonder if the line for phones were big enough for my sand to travel through to the other side?  

I stared at the phone a moment and looked at the stairs I must have walked down.  I felt the crease between my eyes return.  I keep losing my focus, for me, it wasn't a good thing to keep losing.  I took a breath and reached for the phone.  

It easily came off the holding unit on the wall.  I held it in my hand a moment.  I need to call.  I should call.  I told Temari I would, and I was, technically, the one who broke her.  It was my duty to fix her again, wasn't it?  I pressed the button which would connect me to Kimiko.

Music sounded and I held the contraption away from me as I waited for her to answer.  It was far too long before there was an answer.

"Yeah, Doc's house, what do you want?"  It was...

The voice which was, and was not Naruto.  I growled into the phone, gripping the thing a bit too tight.  "Off, you abomination.  I need your keeper."

"Who says she's my keeper?  I can handle my own self, tsch."

There was a rattling, followed by a small clunk sound.  "Who is it?"  Kimiko's voice sounded on the receiver.

"The man who inspired my beautiful face."

I resisted the urge to figure out how to kill something over the phone.  This thing needed to live.  

For Naruto.

There was a groan, followed by a low "Fine."

"Lord Gaara?"  Kimiko.

Are you feeling well?  "I broke Temari."  My throat felt dry as I spoke, and it sounded in my voice.

There was a small hum.  "Anything else?"  

I can't bring myself to see __her.__ "Nothing."  There is something wrong with me.

"I will be over soon."

My stomach twisted as a thought occurred to me.  She wouldn't be so idiotic, would she?  Maybe.  "Kimiko."

"Yes Lord Kazekage?"

"Leave it behind."

The statement was followed by silence on the other end.

Too long.  "Kimiko?"

"No."

The other end went silent before I could protest.  It was coming here.  The thing which was neither me nor Naruto.  The thing I can clearly remember laying with...  No.  I can't.  I wouldn't.  A loud beeping noise sounded from the contraption in my hand and I let it fall with a clack to the floor.  The sound inspired Kimi to cry.  I rubbed her back.  "Shh, I will never let anything happen to you, little one.  You must trust in your father."  Father.  My stomach twisted.  This child, even at three months in age still felt impossible to me.  Born of my blood.  Born of Naruto's.

I looked at the stairs.  Only a few flights of them and I could see her.  Her.  Definitely her.  I took a breath.  "Would you like to see your mother little one?"  I could hide in the room while the creature was here.  I would rather face my own anxiety over Naruto than deal with him.  My willed my feet to move, but they were planted firm on the ground.  Move, Gaara.  See your precious wife.

Nothing.  I felt the crease return between my brows.  I closed my eyes.  Naruto.  I tried to picture him in my mind.  Him.  Very much him.  I remember the desperate look in his eyes when we were children.  The one which screamed 'don't make me kill you' as though killing me would hurt him more than death within itself.  This small moment in time changed my life, forever.  The desire for myself to live and lead a vastly different life intensified a year later when he saved my life from a coordinated assassination attempt.  One I was too tired to fight, one I was willing to allow.  I had given in, when he appeared before me.  His will to carve his own future, his will to ensure I could do the same, it made me want to be the person I have become.

What was wrong with me?  If Naruto could go through so much to give my a child, then the least I could do was see her.  Him.

Her.  I had been away too long.  I felt for the sand around me and pulled it closer.  If I couldn't will my feet to move, then I would move with sand.  I felt it around my body.  On my skin.  I felt it pulse as it gathered beneath my feet.  I kept my eyes shut as I willed myself up to my room.  My room, where my wife, my daughter's mother, my Naruto lay.  I continued to rub Kimi's back.  I had a feeling more for my own comfort than her own.

I could do this.  I had to do this.

"Father?"  The voice forced my eyes open.  

I was nearly there.  I was mere feet away from the closed door of the room.  I shifted my eyes to him.  "Shinki."  I shifted my eyes back to the door and my stomach twisted back into a tight knot.  

"Are you going in?"

The question within itself was simple.  I should.  All I had to do was open the door and walk inside.  All I had to do was deal with my own body.  With Naruto.  Speak to him.  Her.  There was a painful twist in my chest as the unwanted idea raced back into my mind.  "No."

He sighed.  

"I can't be here.  I should get her something."  Her.   _ _Her__.  Remember this.

"A dress?"

This time I looked at him fully.  "Why?"

His face mimicked my own lack of usual expression.  "Lady Kisarei will be seen by Suna soon.  She cannot be seen wearing the same outfit she wore from before.  The Kazekage's wife has an image to uphold.  The council will not approve otherwise."

I frowned.  The council.  I would have to get over this aversion to my wife soon, otherwise the wedding would never happen.  My stomach twisted.  The wedding.  Was it a good idea in the first place?  I had asked before Kimi was born.  Would she even want to still?

Would she even want me, this place, this life?  "Then we will go to buy a dress."  I gathered my sand from beneath my feet and pushed it into form at my hip.  I turned from him and headed down the stairs.  Stairs.  I hate them.

.*. .*. .*.

"We are not going to the underground market."

"The better designers are in the market."  Shinki spoke with a softer tone, more under his breath.  

I refused to respond to his remark.  He knew I was not one for going down there unless absolutely necessary.  Which was once.  Once was too much, but then I wouldn't have the engagement necklace for Naruto.  An engagement necklace which might not even work out the way I wanted it to.  Still want it to.

I still wan this.  Don't I?

 _ _Don't I__?

I swallowed.  "There must be a descent clothing store above ground.  Not all of Suna shops there."

"Besides yourself?"

I looked down at the insolent child.  I also refused to comment on this.

He gave a small sigh and started to walk ahead of me.  "Well, if there is one, we will have to find it.  I couldn't find any in the directories for the above ground shop detail."  He stopped, swivelled on his heel and looked at me with a half grin.  "Where do you get your clothes from?  If you don't shop in the shopping district, they have to come from somewhere."

I felt my entire body stiffen and I looked away.  Since I had been living with my siblings, Temari had been the one to find me suitable clothing.  Especially back when I first started trying to be... Well, human.  It wasn't the brightest idea for me to go into populated civilian areas.  

We learned it the hard way, when I --

I clenched my teeth as the day crashed into my memory.

__"Temari, I should not be here."  The streets were crowded.  Far too crowded.  This wasn't a street of ninja who would avoid my presence, but a regular civilian street.  With people in it.  Lots of normal people.  People who would bleed if I cut into them.  People who would scream if--_ _

__"Gaara, it will be fine.  Even you have to go shopping every once in a while.  I mean, how long have you been wearing those clothes?"_ _

__I turned away from her, not in the mood to answer her questions.  Wasn't it enough I was trying?  "I am not doing this."  There was a pressure in the sand on my shoulder.  I grabbed it before it could move.  Hand.  Crush it.  No.  It belonged to Temari.  I grit my teeth.  "Don't."_ _

__"I think the better question is where did you get them."_ _

__I shifted my eyes to look to Kankuro.  "I don't remember their names."_ _

__"Maybe we should just go get some new, alright?" Temari gave a quick, shrill sounding laugh.  Fake._ _

__I sighed.  "Fine."  I didn't want to do this._ _

__Temari let out a small sigh and walked ahead of me, followed by Kankuro who gave me a sideways glance before he followed her._ _

__"Just keep up." His voice was low.  Annoyed?  I would have to study him more._ _

__I didn't respond but forced my feet forward.  This was the first time I entered this part of Suna.  The first time any of these people would see me in person.  Would they fear me like the others?_ _

__They should._ _

__The further we went, the more crowded the streets became.  I looked up at the large arch we were heading towards.  The underground market.  Was it this crowded down there?  I scanned the area, assessing a way for me to escape if I needed to._ _

__Pressure.  Warmth.  My entire body jarred from behind.  I turned on the ball of my feet to look at the culprit who dared touch me.  Then, just as I was about to find the person, another bumped my arm._ _

__Touching me.  Stop.  "Stop."  I felt my breath catch in my throat as another carelessly brushed against my other arm.__ Kill them.  Feed mother.  Don't take this, you deserve more.  Don't you love me?  Mother loves you. _ _My hand went to my hair.  I pulled it and trembled at the slight pain it sent.  Pain.  Ignore this.  I had come too far to turn back.  What would__ he __think if I gave up so soon.  The image of the face he made flashed through my mind.  No.  I couldn't.__

__Another bump.  I need to get out of here._ _

__I need to-_ _

__Bump._ _

__I screamed.  My scream was accented by another, a voice I didn't recognize.  This was soon followed by other voices.  Other voices yelled out 'monster' as they fled the area.  Fear written on their faces.  Sand retreated back to my body, sand I hadn't realized I had released.  Warm.  So very warm.  I trembled at the feeling of it.  Death.  Delicious blood.__ Feed mother, such a good boy.   _ _The voice echoed inside my mind.  No.  Not this again.  I worked so hard.__

__"Gaara!" Temari stepped toward me and I took a step back._ _

__"Don't."  I felt my heart race, my breath hitched in my throat._ _

__Her hand reached out and I took another step back.  "Don't touch me.  Don't__ touch _ _me!"__

__"Gaara, I--"_ _

" _ _Temari."  Kankuro's voice was firm and dark, even for him.  He grabbed the arm she reached towards me with and pulled it back.  "Maybe you should leave him be, huh?"  He looked out the side of his eye towards me.  Anger.  Hurt?  Maybe I was seeing things.  I didn't see any blood on him.  I hadn't hurt him.__

__Had I?  I grit my teeth.  I said this was a bad idea.  I knew it had been the moment the idea came up.  She was just so... Persistent.  I should have stayed home._ _

__Home.  I looked behind me towards the tall tower which sat in the center of Suna.  Just beyond it was the small three story bungalow the Kazekage raised his two children in._ _

__"Maybe we should go home?"_ _

__"I don't have one." I reached out my arms, gathered sand around my body, let it caress my skin.  The sand.  The sand is home.  It is the only place I belong.  I pulled it under my feet and pulled myself away from the ground.  All of this was a mistake._ _

__Everything was a mistake._ _

__I was a mistake._ _

__I left, ignoring the high pitched scream of my name as it fell my sibling's lips.  They were better off without me._ _

He _ _was wrong.  I cannot be like him.  I cannot be what he has become.  I cannot be precious to another.  How could I be, when I was a monster?__

__I froze.  The memory of his anguish filled my mind as I floated beyond the walls of Suna.  I stared at it behind me.  I could disappear.  Would they look for me?  Would they still hunt me if I were no longer a threat to them?_ _

__Was I precious to__ him _ _?  Why would he even care?__

__Why would..._ _

"Father, is something wrong?"

I blinked as I realized I had my hand held out, staring at it.  I clenched it into a fist and put it down to my side.  "Your aunt started to make my clothes for me when I was twelve.  I scavenged them before this, when your grandfather stopped buying me things at the age of six."  I felt my lip twitch upward as a look of confusion shadowed on his face.  "They say I was spoiled as a child.  I was."

The confusion grew on his face.  "Then why--"

"To have clothing made for me would to allow someone to get close to me.  It wasn't wise, back then."

He looked away and started to walk again.  "You let Aunt Temari."

I frowned.  "Yes."  He didn't need to know the whole story behind that.

He sighed at my answer.  "All I'm getting, isn't it?"

I didn't bother to answer as I followed behind him.  We walked in silence a while before I realized where he was heading.  The archway of the underground market slowly growing larger.  I stopped in my tracks.  There was no way I was going to go down there again, even for Naruto.

Again.

"Shinki."

He stopped ahead of me, his back to me.  His shoulders straightened and his head rose a bit before he took a deep breath.  He stayed where he was.

"Where are you taking us?" I shifted my Kimi in my arms as I narrowed my eyes at the boy ahead of me.  What could he be thinking?  The underground?  Me?

Still, he was silent.  Another deep breath.

I decided I too would be quiet.  If this is what he had in mind, I could outdo him in this game.  For me, talking was mostly unnecessary.  I did it when I had to.  This meant around my family and while at work.  In between times, I had a tendency to be silent.

Which, if I read most peoples reaction to me in any sort of accuracy, caused more distress than necessary.

I found it puzzling.

"The gate."  His voice was low and there was a slight tremble to it.

I had been to the gates before, it was where Kimi and Naruto's midwife lived.  A bit too populated still, for my current mood.  "Does he really need a dress?" He.  Why can't I get past this again?

His nerves left with my question and he looked over he twisted on the balls of his feet to face me.  "She.  I don't know what is going on with you lately, but definitely __she__."

I looked away from him and wrapped my free hand around Kimi.  She was warm.  Breathing.  Her mother was... Her mother...

He sighed.  "There is an information center within the west gate which might give us a better idea of where to look to buy clothing without going entirely underground."

"I am not going."

There was silence following my words.  I heard him shift on his feet as they scraped on the ground below.  "There is a small diner up the street.  Maybe you could wait there until I get the information we need?"

Diner?  I looked down at Kimi.  This was a part of Suna I usually don't travel.  Would the people there be receptive?  I gave him a small nod to agree.  A diner filled with a small amount of people was still preferable than seeing the abomination who called himself Gaaruto.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait on the update.  I haven't been feeling entirely up to par, but I think I am getting back on track.  I decided to split this chapter in 2, there is already about 2k written on the next one and I hope I can get it out soon and keep myself on my writing goals.
> 
> As always, comments serve to inspire <3


	34. Separation Anxiety pt 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, the second half of the chapter :D I knew it would be a long one so I broke it up. Finally, it feels like I can move this forward again. So much to fit in for this part yet, I think it will end up longer than the first one lol.
> 
> As always, reviews/comments serve to inspire

 

**Gaara**

I sat in the diner alone with Kimi as I waited for Shinki to return. I had her nestled between myself and the wall, secured in a sand made bassinet I had situated on the bench next to me. She slept while I sipped at my tea and tried to ignore the people within the diner, and the waitress who both dropped things and messed up orders. I watched her a while from the corner of my mind, slightly amused by her antics.

I still wasn't sure about the whole idea of getting Naruto a dress. Why in the world would he want one? She. Never mind, I don't care anymore. I have never known him to be into feminine things for more than a few moments. I frowned into my tea as the whispers of the customers who were sitting around me invaded my ears, either unsettled or in awe of my presence within this place. Their Kazekage, in a civilian diner unannounced. This place was not as crowded as I thought it would be, close as it was to the gate entrance of the underground and it was at least away from the market, which I know I would not have the ability to tolerate. I wondered if the bumbling waitress was accident prone because of me, or because she just was not any good at what she was doing.

I swirled the liquid in the cup as I tried to remember anything which might set him in more of a feminine way besides the obvious physical transformation and there were barely any memories which I could recall where he seemed that way to me. Only one. Not long after the incident near the market, they tried to assassinate me, and I was going to let them when Naruto intervened again. I had been avoiding my siblings at this point, trying to keep to myself. Death at this point was more interesting to me than living. What use could I be alive? I was too dangerous, even I knew this.

Yet.

I sipped at the tea, allowing my eyes to wander upwards to the eyes which were all settled upon me in a stare. Many of them moved away from me when I looked up and I sighed.

Monster.

Kazekage.

I was both of these things in one and over time I managed to garner their affection. Perhaps, just perhaps I managed to become precious to them. Most of them. I know there are many still in Suna who could never forgive me for the things I had done, and I would never ask them to. I would have to forgive myself for them before I could allow something like this.

How could I? I still took too much pleasure in death. I would have to feel bad about such an act before forgiveness could occur. Not until I no longer felt the surge of pleasure when blood soaked into my sand until I stopped craving the taste of blood upon my lips, to feel their screams vibrate through my body. The odd, satisfying crunch as...

People started to leave the diner and I looked back down into my tea. Thoughts of killing might not be the best idea when dining with civilians. I covered my face with my hand, hoping to hide whatever expression may have slipped through. I tried to tune out the outside noise and stared into my tea, allowing the memory of Naruto to surface.

_"Hey, Gaara!" His voice sounded from below my perch in the tree near where we were camping for the night._

_I didn't look down, I knew he would come to me, and I felt the odd nervous twist in my stomach as he neared. I still wasn't sure what it meant. Perhaps it was because he was my friend. Was this normal when you have friends? I am not sure I liked it._

_Just as I had figured the branch I was sitting on wobbled under his weight. "Hey, no brows, look what I found." The branch shook as he flopped down on it._

_I looked over at him then and arched a brow in question._

_He held up a pair of what looked like shells. They were round, sort of pearly and had a small spiral on them. He put them near his ears. "Well, what do you think?"_

_I frowned at him. "I think you found shells." What was he asking me?_

_He groaned. "Ah, you're no fun, Gaara. Come on, what do they remind you of?"_

_I stared at them a moment. Then him. I felt a wrinkle form between my brows and I looked away. "I don't understand this game."_

_He hummed then rapped me on the shoulder._

_I glared at him and gave him a look I hoped conveyed my disdain for his touching me. Don't._

_He laughed, his shrill, high pitched annoying laugh which made me think less of him before. Before he defeated me. Before he..._

_I looked away. Like this, when he smiled like he did, it was hard to remember we were similar. How did he do it so well? I wanted to know._

_"Come on, lighten up. It isn't a game. Here."_

_One of the small round shells were shoved into my sight and I took it from his hand with a wisp of sand. I felt the corner of my lips twitch upward when I heard him gasp. It was maybe an inch in diameter, sort of flat. It reminded me of the symbol on his back, the perfect spiral. "It has your spiral."_

_"Yeah, isn't it awesome?" He giggled and held the one he still held to his ear. "When I am Hokage, I am going to get a ton of these and make it part of the new uniform. Spiral earrings! Neat, yeah? What do you think?"_

_Earrings? "I don't see it."_

_He groaned. "Come on, don't you have any imagination?"_

_Imagination? I frowned and looked down at the tiny thing. Earring? This? I sighed and looked up to him. Maybe if they were both at his ears again it would make more sense. I lifted it from my hand with my sand and placed it at his other ear. His cheeks reddened and I could see it. Naruto in earrings, he seemed to glow. I felt the twist in my stomach grow and the shell fell from the tree to the ground. "This game is annoying." I jumped off the branch, ignoring my name as I fled the scene. What happened?_

The stammering of a waitress pulled me from my memory. I dropped my hand back down away from my face and looked up at her.

"Would you like more tea?" The girl I had been watching since I arrived stood back from the table, a forced smile on her face. She held up a small pot, but the shaking in her hand was noticeable. Was she nervous or afraid of me? I found it hard to tell.

I looked back at my tea and realized it was almost empty now. "Yes." I moved the cup out so it could be refilled. I had no idea how much longer Shinki would be before he would return.

"Oh. Yes, right." She seemed surprised by my answer and moved to tilt the pot. Her hand was shaking so much she lost grip of the pot and it began to spill. Without thought, I caught it with the sand and soaked up the tea which spilled from the container before it even hit the table or floor. She gasped and fell to the ground, the teapot forgotten. "Please, Lord Kazekage, please forgive me." She was hunched over, her head parallel to the floor.

Afraid then. "It is only tea." I frowned at her. Did she think I would kill her for spilling tea? With my daughter on the bench next to me? How foolish.

She trembled before me, not responding, as though waiting for some sort of punishment.

I sighed and a shrill, tiny cry sounded from beside me. I frowned. She must have woke up from the commotion. I encased her in the sand which formed the bassinet and raised her to my arms. I didn't care about tea. I cared about this tiny little person. I cradled her to my chest and rubbed her back until the cries diminished to a soft hiccuping sound.

"Lady Kimi?" The voice next to me was hesitant, yet clear.

I looked over to the waitress who was only moments earlier deathly afraid of me. I tilted my head at her as I contemplated her reaction. Maybe I should have strapped a baby to me years ago. I snorted out a half laugh and covered my mouth. What was wrong with me?

I schooled my expression back to normal and lowered my hand and motioned the girl to sit across the table from me.

She stammered and looked behind her to a man I could only assume was her boss. He pointed down at the ground and mouthed the word 'sit'. She swallowed and sat down, her eyes wide with worry. "Lord Kazekage." Her voice squeaked as she spoke it, a slight stammer to the words.

I looked over to her boss and raised a brow to him. "Have you nothing better to do than stare at me as I dine here?" I decided to allow my sand to shift around my body, small tendrils floating through the air in strings. It was everything I could do not to smile when the man turned red and disappeared into the hall past the main counter. However, I had not counted on the rest of the place to empty of the remaining customers.

I sighed and studied the girl across from me. She had dark hair. So dark brown I would have mistaken it for black if I were not sitting so close to her now. She worried her bottom lip with her teeth and shifted in her seat. Her eyes darted to the side. After years of hunting prey, I knew she was assessing her chances of escape, and perhaps the best plan of action if it came to such a circumstance.

"If you want to run, I will let you. You should know if I wanted to harm you, you would already be dead." I took a sip of tea to let the knowledge set it. "Your worry is highly pointless and rather annoying." I set the cup back down then leaned back from the table, letting Kimi's weight fall more onto my chest.

Her eyes widened. "I..." She trailed off and shrank back into the bench.

Humans always reminded me of animals when afraid. Though I am human. When I am afraid, do I appear so weak and fragile, like a trapped animal? Most likely. I am grateful such emotions rarely plague me.

At least, until...

I cleared my throat. Why was I talking to this girl? Why did it matter? "You are not a good waitress."

The girl gave a small groan. Silence followed the groan and I studied her. She didn't look at me but instead seemed fascinated with something on the table.

I allowed the silence until I was able to get Kimi fully calmed back down and asleep. I recreated her bassinet and set her carefully on the bench next to me. When she was settled I returned my attention to the girl, who had taken to watching me since I turned my attention to my daughter. "Does my child fascinate you?"

Her eyes widened and her back straightened. "I..." She trailed off.

I never thought I would encounter a person worse at speaking than myself. Even most of my victims had more to say than a single syllable. Maybe a single word such as please, no or don't. Still, it was something. I went to take another sip of tea to realize it was already empty. I frowned at the cup. I could ask the girl, but she would likely stammer, then spill it again.

Pointless. So I raised my hand, letting the sand encasing my arm come loose and I reached behind the counter, grabbed the other teapot and brought it over. I ignored the whimper of the girl across from me. Why did I have her sit down with me again?

I still wasn't sure. Company? Was I really in need of such inadequate conversation? No. There was something about her. Something I found familiar. I pulled the sand back into place on my arm and poured the tea. I set it down and decided I should not be the only one to drink it. It was, to my surprise, a decent tea. I reached back out to the counter and pulled over a second cup and poured her a glass. I scooted it over to her. Then took a sip of my fresh tea.

She stared at it. "Why?"

I set my cup back down. "You didn't have tea."

The fear ebbed out of her face, her eyes still remained wide. Confused? I will go with confused. "No, Lord Kazekage, I mean... I mean, why am I sitting with you?" She moved to grab her tea and set it on top of a napkin.

Good question. I am unsure. I shouldn't say so. Change the subject. "Why did you choose to be a waitress when you are obviously unskilled at such a position?" Why did she even catch my eye?

"I am not good at anything." A fake, large smile formed and I realized what it was about her.

She reminded me of Naruto. I gave a hum. Naruto.

My Naruto. I felt my stomach twist. When was the last time I had seen her? My mouth went dry. I had no idea. I needed to get over this aversion to her before she reconsidered my marriage proposal. Not that it would make her any less married to me. Still.

Married. Naruto. With me. "Would you like a job?" I blurted it out, surprising both of us with the offer.

"Why?"

Again, good question. I chose not to respond. What would I even have her do?

"You don't even know my name."

"What is it?" Bluff my way out of this. What was I doing?

"Chuyo. My name is Chuyo."

I swallowed. "If you choose to be in my employ, come to the Kazekage household three days from now at seven am." Three days. I could figure out what I would have her do in three days. Couldn't I?

"What would I do?"

Too many questions. "My wife." I blurted it out before I could stop myself.

"I'm sorry?" She leaned forward. "You have a wife?"

It was this precise moment Shinki entered the small diner. "Father?"

We both looked in his direction. "Shinki."

"Lord Shinki?" Her voice resumed its squeaky fear like quality.

His eyes met hers. "Who is this?"

"The new help."

"For?" He still had his eyes on her, now carefully assessing her.

Naruto. "Kisarei." The word felt strained as I spoke it.

"I'm not sure I-"

Shinki had a finger at her mouth before she could finish her statement. "If my father has asked you to do this, I would take it. He does not offer these jobs often."

More like never. The midwife was a necessity. This... I still was not sure what I was thinking. I decided to ignore their conversation. "Did you find out the information you needed?"

He averted his eyes from the girl but left his finger on her lip. "No. There is no record of an above ground clothing shop."

I frowned. The girl moved Shinki's hand from her mouth. "Is that all you are after? A clothing store away from the main market?"

"You know of one?" Shinki spoke first.

"Well, yes. I am not a fan of the crowds myself." She looked towards the counter. "Um, should I show you?"

I looked towards the counter as well. I could feel the man's presence there just out of sight within the hall. "I will require your employee's services from now on. If you send the bills of the customers who left, I shall pay for their meals as well."

The man came back out into the open, confirming my suspicions he was eavesdropping the entire time. "Oh no, Lord Kazekage. It is an honor to serve you, you are welcome here any time." The man was far too jovial to be sincere.

I ignored him and returned my attention to Chuyo. "Take us."

She glanced between me and Shinki then gave a deep nod. "Yes, Lord Kazekage."

Perhaps I should have asked a local in the first place.

.*. .*. .*.

The shop was further from the gate than I would have looked. It was nestled within one of the inner blocks, the only entrance located within the corridors which ran through the dense block structure. Hidden away, like a gem.

"This block is listed as residential only." I stood, frozen in the center of the doorway. It was small, dim and had more of a selection than I thought possible to fit into a place which looked as though it were a converted apartment.

The shopkeeper apologized profusely to me. Excuses and reasons on why there was a shop where there was no zone for it.

I held up my hand to keep her from ranting on. She stopped on cue and I took one step further inside the shop. "I am not here to shut you down, I am here on business."

"We are looking for a dress." Shinki sounded far too pleased with the statement.

"Oh, well, I have dresses. What sort of dress are you looking for?"

Shinki's lip gave a slight upward turn and he leaned down to whisper in the shopkeeper's ear.

"Right. Just a moment, I have just the thing." She took a few steps, then turned back to me. "I need a size."

Size? I stared at her. What did she mean by size? I gave a quick look to Shinki.

He held out his hands. "This wide." He shifted them. "This deep." He raised a single hand to roughly his shoulders. "This high."

I felt the blood drain from me. How high? How thin? The dimensions didn't seem right, even from the last time I recalled seeing her. Even laying in the bed she didn't seem quite that small.

"The bust?"

Bust? I tilted my head at the woman.

"Not very."

She gave a nod and bustled off into the shop to find whatever it was she had in mind.

"You really are hopeless at this aren't you?" He gave a small laugh and the girl who brought us just looked a bit horrified.

"I have never had to buy clothing before." I frowned. Was Naruto stable? Would she just keep shrinking away? "Are you sure those are her current measurements?"

The smile faded from his face, the trained blank surfaced. "If you would actually come and see her, I am sure you would realize the measurements are all correct."

I swallowed. "She is well?"

"What do you think?" There was an acidic tone to his voice. Accusatory.

"I have been busy."

He tilted his head in a way which challenged the statement. A silent one. One I refused to define the answer to.

The shopkeeper returned with a wisp of fabric in her hands. "Here you are, the perfect thing."

I stared at her. She must be kidding with me. I was not good at this joking thing, but there was hardly anything there.

Shinki took it from her. "Exactly what I was after, thank you." He held it up for me to see.

Dress. Red. Tiny. It was the same color as my long coat, the deep near blood red color. The shoulder straps were thin, the cut on the chest was too low and it was almost short enough to pass as a top. "That is hardly a formal dress." Yet, I couldn't take my eyes off the thing. In my mind, I could see Naruto in it, her small frame filling out the fabric. The curve of her breast, the length of her legs.

My mind flashed back to the day in the cave, the way she looked in my long coat, the way she looked when she was on top of me and-- I felt my face start to crack from the heat before the sound reverberated out. All three were staring at me and only my son had a ridiculous grin on his face.

"The proof this is the perfect dress." He gave a hearty laugh. "We will take it."

"It isn't... It is not..." I let the words trail. Too late. The image was ingrained in my mind. Would she wear it?

I doubted it, yet...

.*. .*. .*.

I stared at the door again. I parted ways with the girl just outside the shop, then with Shinki outside the door to the house. I cheated my way up by using the window rather than climbing all the stairs. I couldn't just walk in there, could I?

I gripped the wisp of fabric in my free hand. Go in and say what, precisely? 'Here, I bought you this slip of fabric for you to wear for me.' Hardly. I rubbed Kimi's back. Had Naruto even met her yet? Really met her?

No. I don't think I had allowed it yet. She had been so weak, what if she dropped her? I frowned. No, this wasn't the reason. What if she only wanted her?

What if she wanted to take her away, now she was alive, and knew she would continue to be alive? Would I really fit into her equation? If I kept ignoring her, the chances of this diminished. Why did she wish for me anyway? Me, of all people. I closed my eyes. Get it over with. I needed to get in there. Just...

 _Slam._ The door flew open with the assistance of my sand to reveal...

Naruto. Asleep in her bed. I forced my feet forward. "Naruto?" Nothing. I breathed out, relieved. The reunion, delayed once again. I walked up to the bed and held the small piece of clothing over her. Shinki was correct. The size of her, it was smaller than before. Afraid I would drop her, I set Kimi in her bassinet, the one she had not been in since her mother... My stomach twisted. Since she came out of her coma. His?

I was about to try and wake her when something on the floor moved. Moved? I rounded the bed. Clone. I felt my sand twitch. Kill it. Remove it from existence.

No. I had left her alone, she likely felt lonely. She. So small. So frail.

Frail.

The realization of what I was really avoiding crashed into my mind all at once. She. Kisarei. Frail. Woman. I pressed my hand to her stomach and felt out. She lost Kurama. Her chakra network still was entirely jumbled. How she managed to make a clone, I had no idea. I brought my hand back away from her as though I had been burned.

Not a ninja. Not a man. Not strong.

Not Naruto. I felt my throat close on me. I couldn't breathe. I grabbed at my neck. There was a pain in my chest. I backed away from her. What was I going to tell her? How could I tell her? I had been keeping the nurses and doctors silent, as well as my siblings. Had she noticed? What if she noticed? What was she going to do? What would she do?

Who was she going to be, if not a ninja or fighter?

I locked myself in the bathroom and looked down at the little dress in my hand. This was a mistake. I shouldn't have come. I wasn't ready yet. I opened the bottom drawer and shoved it in. I pushed it shut, hiding it away from my view. What had I been thinking? I couldn't give this to her. It wasn't something she would wear. This was Naruto.

Images of all my times with him surfaced in my memory. When we were kids, when we were teenagers. When he became Hokage, all the battles, all the fights. All the teasing. Bit by bit they blended into him being a woman. I buried my head in my hands. It wasn't fair. Naruto's biggest and main dream was gaining the love of his people. He had that. Why would he do this?

The baby. Of course, the baby. Naruto's heart was too big, he shouldn't have done what he had done. In the back of my mind, I thought this might fix itself after Kimi was born. Naruto would go back to being Naruto. As long as she was able to get through the birth. All I had been thinking about before she woke was saving Naruto. Keep Naruto alive. Make Naruto happy. Keep her alive, wake her up, make sure she was fine.

Now she was. She was gaining strength, according to my son. I pressed my back against the door. Married to Naruto, I was married to her. She was my wife, my future.

My love. I love her. More than I may ever have the ability to admit to but...

I wasn't ready to let go of Naruto yet. The Naruto I loved since I was a child. The one I always strove to be like. The one who saved me. The one who could make people love him, just by being his idiotic self.

If I wasn't ready, how could Naruto be? How could... I felt myself start to shake and my heart hurt worse. I looked around the room. Nothing to focus on.

Nothing to _focus_ on.

I needed to get out of here. Now. Before... Before... Sand started to shift around on my body. Panic. I can't... I couldn't... I opened the door to the bathroom and went back out of the room the same way I came in. Air. Can't breathe. Need to...

I rushed down the stairs, my legs threatening to give out beneath me. It was not long before I fell forward, only to be caught by something warm. I felt my sand move to eradicate whatever touched me when I heard my name. "Gaara, look at me. What the hell?"

Temari? I looked up. "Can't... Can't..." The word was barely audible, even to me. My body convulsed and I felt the sand around me. It started to come to me. _Protect. Fight._

"Shit." Breathy, soft. "Damn it Gaara, look at me. Focus."

I felt my body shake from pressure on my shoulders and noticed a finger in front of me. I stared at it. Focused on it. Breathe. Everything was fine. If I didn't calm down, I would kill Temari. _Breathe_.

I clenched my jaw and my eyes widened. _Kimi_. I grabbed her, my nerves calming enough for me to think. "Upstairs, Kimi. Bassinet." I gave a small squeeze to her hand and closed my eyes. Fine. I would be fine.

"But-"

I let go of her. "I will be fine. Just... Take her to your room, Temari." I forced the words out. She wouldn't be safe with me. Not yet. I had to calm down.

"But you-"

"Please." I looked down to the floor and pressed my hands to it. I needed to know she was safe. With someone she knew. My heart leapt to my throat at the thought. She didn't know Naruto. She didn't...

She gave a nod. "Ok. Just don't flip out, alright?"

I looked away from her. I hated I was this way. I thought I had regained some ground, I hadn't had an episode since Kimi was born, I thought... "Go." It was something I did not want to talk about. What have I done? I watched as Temari left up the stairs.

My stomach lurched and I pressed a hand to my mouth. Away. I needed to get away before I put everyone in danger. I went to stand, but my legs wouldn't cooperate. I heaved but nothing came up. How long? How long had I abandoned Naruto? Had it been a few days? A week?

I pressed against the wall and used it as leverage to stand. Away. Get away. Protect them, my family. From myself. I had no business having a family. I should never have allowed this. Too dangerous. I should never have become Kazekage. I shouldn't have... I moved my feet.

Stairs. Heck with this. I gathered my sand around my feet. It shifted, agitated. Unstable. I bit the inside of my cheek. The sharp pain from my teeth allowed me to focus enough to pull myself down the stairs. When I was at the bottom of the stairs, I was in front of her room. The one she stayed in until I proposed.

I proposed. I am such a fool. My vision blurred. I brought a hand to my eyes and looked at the wet spot in the sand covering my fingers. When had I replaced my armor there? With a sigh I opened the door. The bed was still there, shove off to the side. The grey walls from when I had painted it during my courtship of her still hadn't been painted over. My heart twisted. Nearly three months ago. Kimi was three months.

A month. I left her alone for a month. I entered the room and shut the door. I still had to prove to the council I could restrain myself. I wasn't sure I could. I wasn't sure Naruto would even forgive me for this one. I wasn't sure I could cope with the change yet.

I didn't want to tell her about how much her chakra system was damaged. The fact she would never again be a ninja. That Kurama was no longer where he should be, and instead took up residence in our daughter. Alone.

I had truly left Naruto alone. "Forgive me. Just... Forgive me." I found myself in the center of the room. I fell to the floor, holding my stomach. Pain. So much pain. I messed everything up. I know I had. Naruto wouldn't want me now. Naruto wouldn't... I looked up.

The spiral. I felt sick. Nothing. Naruto has nothing left. Except me, the baby. I needed to get over this. I had to.

I am not sure when I ended up on my back, but I found myself reaching up to the ceiling. My arm outstretched, the sand making up the difference in space. I traced the pattern. He drew this. She drew this. I breathed out and let my hand fall to the floor, the sand scattering around my body when I did. Just lay here. Just stay still. Let life pass by. I felt useless in this state. I was useless. I was a weapon. A tool. I was never meant to be more than this.

.*. .*. .*.

I had no idea how long it was I lay where I had. Hours? A day? Maybe. I still didn't feel like moving. I felt numb, staring up at the spiral above my head. I breathed. Breathe in, breathe out. Exist.

I heard the door open. I didn't even bother to look over. Footsteps. "Gaara?"

My hand twitched. Naruto. I felt out without looking. Clone. Nothing better than a mirage. I didn't bother moving. I didn't want to. I couldn't. My body wouldn't cooperate with me anymore.

More steps, then, my vision of the spiral was blurred by a vision of blonde hair and blue eyes. "Pay attention to me, will ya?" Her hand waved in front of my face and I focused on her this time.

A sudden wave of sensation boiled within my abdomen. Couldn't be a clone. A dream. This was nothing more than a dream. The red dress. Skin, Naruto, exposed. I averted my eyes. Dangerous. The beginning reason for avoiding her. Woman. Very much woman.

"Oh fuck it."

My breath hitched in my throat as I felt pressure on my chest, my stomach, too close to... I snapped my eyes back to her. Hands on my chest. Legs around my middle. She leaned into me.

"I knew that would get your damned fucking attention, you bastard."

The numb returned. Mad. Of course, she would be mad at me. I looked past her back to the spiral. I don't think my voice would work, even if I tried.

She groaned. "Look at me. Will you look at me?"

No.

Hands traveled beneath my shirt and heat penetrated through the sand. The heat followed the same path I started to associate entirely with Naruto. Bit by bit they traveled higher, the heat growing. Growing and--

My hips bucked upwards on their own. My eyes widened and I used the sand to remove her from my person. My heart raced. Too close. She was far too close.

"Well, you still fucking react to me, huh? Then why? Why in the hell won't you see me?"

I can't.

"And what about my fucking baby?" Her voice grew darker with this one.

My heart lurched. I hadn't meant... I hadn't...

"I want to meet her Gaara. What is her name? Is she ok? I want to see her, I have to--"

"Fine." The word cracked as it left my throat.

"What?" She crawled back over me, forcing the heat to build all over again.

I looked at her this time, not wanting her to see the emotions yet aware it was possible. "Fine." My resolve began to dissipate and my hand went to her bare thigh. I let it travel before I remembered my armor was back on. I froze. Memories of the night in the cave came back to me. The blood. The pain. The pained sound of my own name as it fell her lips. I squeaked and pushed her off of me. I clenched my hand and looked back up to the spiral.

"Gaara?"

I ignored it. I took a breath. I heard her leave, the door shutting behind her. I curled up. I could have done it again, without thought. Even though it was a clone. Without some wish forcing me.

Naruto.

There would never be a 'back to normal' with us. I trembled, the heat of the clone still clinging to my body. Clone. Words. The baby. Kimi. Naruto had to meet her. She was overdue. I couldn't move. I couldn't trust myself. I couldn't...

"TEMARI!" I yelled it as loud as my voice would allow. I needed her.

I would never tell her so.


	35. Facing the Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to do this all as one chapter but then realized it would have been the longest chapter so far in this entire series, and where I ended this one screamed for it to be the end of this one. I have been on a crazy writing spree, so I am hoping to get back to a much better release schedule as at least one chapter beyond this one is entirely written. I even did a small edit on this one! Woo, progress!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter and as always, reviews/comments serve to inspire <3

 

**Naruto**

I gasped when the door opened. I gripped the sheets around my legs and plastered on my biggest smile I could muster. Everything is normal. Everything is fine. Not doing anything at all. Not me, why would I do anything? I gave a nervous giggle, but the worry was for nothing. I found myself staring at, well, myself. She looked shocked, eyes wide, the smile gone from her face. "Hey, you, what happened? Thought you were headed to freak out our husband." I frowned at her when she looked up, went to say something, but kept quiet.

Instead she closed the door behind her, soft as not to make much sound. She crossed the floor and sat on the side of my bed in a way which made it seem as though her legs gave out beneath her. "Alright, you are seriously freaking me out here. Say something."

"Seen him."

My heart caught in my throat. "And?" I leaned forward, grabbing onto her shoulder. "Well, and? Freaking tell me."

"Fine."

Fine? "What do you mean fine? What the hell? That's all you got for me is just one word?"

She took a deep breath. "That is all there is to say. Fine. Just fine."

I let my hand fall. "I don't get it." Something didn't feel right about this.

"I..." She turned to me, a crease between her brows, a definitive frown on her lips. "This is something you will need to see for yourself. Forgive me." She stood, headed to the bathroom, and I heard a deep groan.

My mind flooded with memory and I held a hand to my head as I worked at sorting them out. Waking up on the floor, finding the little red dress in a drawer in the bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror for a while. The talk I had with myself before deciding to go down and confront Gaara. Here is where my memory split from what I already had known. I closed my eyes and let the memory replay in my mind. I left the room, down the first flight of stairs. The motion was easier than I remember, maybe I was starting to get better, if my clones were having a better time at maneuvering about.

I paused at the bottom of the stairs. Where would he be anyway? He wouldn't still be having meetings in the house... Would he? I took a deep breath. This might be more complicated than either of us had thought of. I bit my lip. Baby. My daughter. Her daughter. If I could just talk some sense into the stupid man, my main counterpart could finally meet her. First, however, I had to find him. I proceeded on, passing by what I knew as the siblings' rooms, down one more flight of stairs and froze. The guestroom. The room I had spent most of my pregnancy. Without thought my hand drifted to my stomach to the place my baby used to be. Where was she? Why wasn't I allowed to see her? Had something happened?

Tears stung at my eyes and I wiped them away. Just a look. A reminder of what I had been through. A few minutes wouldn't hurt. My hand hovered over the handle. I took a deep breath and forced myself to move. It was just a room. Nothing major, Naruto, you idiot. I shoved it forward.

I stared. No fucking way was I seeing this right. I rubbed my eyes and stepped forward. Yup. Not blind. Maybe delusional. Otherwise, why in the damned hell would Gaara be lying on the ground smack dab in the middle of the freaking room, staring at the damn ceiling? I took a few steps forward to take a closer look. There he was, wearing his usual black undergarments, arms loose at his sides, his eyes focused upward. I followed the line of sight.

My spiral. Wait. I thought... I held up a hand to my mouth. I had thought he somehow moved it into his room. No, instead he drew it himself on the ceiling himself. Another step. He had to know I was here. Deep breaths. I felt my heart thump in my chest. I looked back to the door. Was I ready to confront him? Nope. I looked back down to the man on the floor. Hell. Had to anyway, I was too close to turn back now. "Gaara?"

His hand twitched. He heard me. The single twitch was the only hint he gave which let me in on he wasn't just a body. I shuddered. Body. An image of him laying on the ground, stiff flooded my mind. No. No matter how mad I was at him, it was not a memory I would want to remember. I clenched my jaw.

Hell with this. I went over to him, knealt down next to him and looked right into his eyes. "Pay attention to me, will ya?" His eyes were still unfocused. I waved my hand in front of his face.

His eyes shifted, then focused on me. His face stayed still, expressionless. Then they wandered, they took me in, raking me over, traveling down. There was a heat in his eyes. Then, the heated gaze was gone, shifted away towards the wall.

Jackass. Ignore me for a freaking month and- "Oh fuck it." He was going to pay attention to me even if I had to maul him to death. I smirked. That's it. I moved forward, lifted my leg over him and straddled his body, using his chest as physical leverage to get myself positioned.

His eyes returned to me. Jackpot. I leaned into him, shifting more of my weight onto my hands. I tried not to get lost into the fact my body entangled his. I could feel him breathe with the gentle rise and fall of my hands. "I knew that would get your damned fucking attention, you bastard." The words were out before I could stop them.

The focus in his eyes disappeared. Shit. His eyes drifted back to the ceiling. I lost him. What in the hell was wrong with him? I felt my heart sink. Come on. I groaned. "Look at me. Will you look at me?"

Nothing. Not a flinch. Not anything. I bit my lip. Pay attention to me Gaara. I did a quick scan of the room. Where was the baby? Not here. I had to do something. I needed answers.

I needed to know he was alright. I needed to know the baby was alright. I felt him breathe. A deep breath. He was trying to ignore me. I narrowed my eyes at him. Of all the people in the world, I was not about to be ignored by him.

Now to figure out how to get him to pay attention to me. I felt another breath. I looked down to my hands and I knew what I could try. It might get me killed, but it might work. I slid my hands down his body until they latched under the thin black fabric of his top. I pressed my hands flat to the skin under the fabric. Sand. Screw it, I was already in the process for this and I was just a fucking clone anyway. I slid them up his body ignoring the pain of the grit against my hands. I moved them up from his stomach, up his ribcage towards his chest.

I was rewarded by a slight hitch in his breath and I heard a small cracking sound. I smirked. Ignore _that_ , you jerk. I halted in my motion when his hips bucked upward underneath me, his eyes widened. My own heart lurched at the sensation the movement created in my own body, an electric jolt from the spot our bodies touched. What the hell was that? I didn't have the time to contemplate the reaction in myself because sand surrounded then deposited me on the floor just a few feet away from him. The sand retracted. He remained on the floor. I checked myself for damage. He hadn't killed me. Why didn't he kill me?

I was just a clone. I knew he would know. He always knew, to the point I thought it was freaking creepy. He always killed the clones, so why now? I felt my stomach twist. I didn't care anymore. Fuck him. "Well, you still fucking react to me, huh?" I couldn't control the words, and hell with it, if he was going to be this way, then I didn't care. I just didn't care. "Then why? Why in the hell won't you see me?" Look at me. Fucking look at me.

Nothing.

"And what about my fucking baby?" Where was she?

He looked sick with this one. Great. I was on to something. "I want to meet her Gaara." Truth. My baby. I felt sick to my stomach. I want her. "What is her name? Is she ok? I want to see her, I have to--" A sound came from his throat. It was deep, strangled sounding. "What?" Butterflies. It felt as though I had butterflies in my stomach. I finally got him to speak, but he did not respond to me. He continued to just lay there, staring at the ceiling, nearly lifeless. I felt my stomach twist.

There was definitely something wrong with him after all. I crawled to him, wanting to be closer, wanting to inspect him, make sure he too was ok. No matter how annoyed and angry I was at him for keeping my daughter from me I couldn't bare to see him like this. His head turned to me then. For once, his expression wasn't blank. Instead, there was a full wrinkle between his brows, a frown. He looked tired, very tired. His eyes flitted around, searching my face. "Fine." His voice was hoarse, even for him. Strained. Fine? What? I blinked at him as the word's meaning dawned on me. He was going to let me see her then? I was about to ask when an unexpected touch made my mind go blank. My breath caught in my throat when rough fingers touched my thigh, crawling across the skin. I tried not to wince, letting him have the touch.

The movement paused, his eyes widened followed by a pained expression. Then he gave a muffled squeak and I found myself back on the floor where he had plopped me before. I looked back to him and he was staring up at the ceiling again, this time, the hand he had touched me with clenched tight. "Gaara?" I wanted him to talk to me. What was wrong with him? What could I do to help? Could I?

His chest heaved upward in a deep breath. He didn't respond. I bit my lip. Should I try again?

I looked to the door. Fine. He said fine. Maybe he would come to me once he was past... Whatever this was. I hoped he would get past it. He had to. He just...

I buried my head in my hands as the memories caught up to me. Gaara. Was he ill? Had something happened? Where was our daughter? Had something happened to her? What was troubling him?

Fine.

The word echoed inside my mind. Gaara's deep voice, his look of shock, his complacent agreement. I lost my companion in order to gain the memories, but I wanted to see him. Hear him. What was going on? And...

My baby girl. I want her. I needed to know she was ok, I needed to know he was ok. Seeing him only raised more questions of the things I didn't understand.

Fine.

Did he mean it? Was I finally going to see her with my own eyes, hold her in my own arms, check to make sure she was perfect and healthy and... Damn it. My vision blurred and I wiped at my eyes. My daughter. Gaara's daughter.

I still didn't even know her name. I didn't... I fell back onto the bed. If Gaara brought her here, I would finally see him. I could hit him, and then kiss him, then ask him not to freak out again. I knew there would be no guarantees with it, after all Gaara was Gaara, but one could hope, couldn't they? I had honestly thought he accepted the idea of me. Of us. I had no idea what was keeping him back this time, but I needed to figure it out. Then I needed to figure out a way to fix whatever he was being weird about.

Because let's face it, Naruto, your husband is freaking weird. "Even has skeletons in the closet, real ones."

"Um, skeletons?" A feminine voice sounded behind me, one I didn't recognize.

I froze and looked over to the door. My heart leapt to my throat at the sight. Hinata? No wait, she was thinner, her hair was not as dark. I hadn't even heard it open. "Uh... Hey." I gave the girl a half hearted wave. Dark hair. Too dark, at first glance it looked black, but it still didn't hold a candle to hers. I looked away, hoping the thoughts I was having weren't showing on my face. Why was I remembering her, now, just before I get to see my baby? I shifted in bed, uncomfortable with the thoughts I was having when someone I didn't know was staring at me. "So... Who are you?"

"I'm... I am..." She trailed off and did a small twirl, her eyes wide. "Is this the Kazekage's room?"

I stared at her. She wasn't serious, was she? I scoffed. "Still don't know who the hell you are. Why are you in my room?" Since Gaara hadn't stepped foot in this room in the past few weeks, I claim it. Mine. Something should be, damn it.

"Your... This is your room?"

I groaned. This girl, she was starting to annoy me. I sat up and crossed my legs, hell with the hospital gown. They seriously were going to send me a girl I didn't know who obviously was not a nurse while I was stuck like this? Couldn't they let me wear real clothes yet? Then again, I never asked either. I sighed and decided to answer her. "Yeah, well half mine. I claim it. Mighta been the Kazekage's first though." I scratched the back of my head, then rested my arms around the back of my neck. "Again, you mind telling me a name or something?"

"Chuyo." She looked up and frowned at the ceiling. She probably spied the spiral over my head.

"Just Chuyo?"

My voice seemed to startle her as she gave a slight jump. Her eyes darted around the room again and she gave a nod. Didn't Gaara say only ninja and those in power had honorifics or some such rot?

"Suna native huh?" I tested the theory.

She gave another nod.

"Nailed it." I smiled wide and gave a small giggle.

"So... Who are you?" Her voice was barely audible.

I smirked. Then, I frowned. Who? Naruto Uzumaki, Hokage of Konohagakure. But, I couldn't say that, now could I? I wasn't that person anymore. I would never be that person anymore. My heart dropped and looked away from her. Did it even matter who I was? I am freaking weak. I swallowed. I needed to know something. "Hey, you're the first person to really talk to me since I woke up and everything so..." I cleared my throat, feeling nervous. "Could you get me a report about the Hokage's death?" Deep breath.

Silence. For a moment I thought she might have left so I looked back in her direction to find her still standing in the same spot. When I looked she stammered. "I... Why would you want to read about that?"

It was my turn to stare silently at the other. How in the hell do I explain this one? I wanted to see how I died, so will you fucking get me something? Nope, can't exactly say anything around those lines without outing myself now could I? So...

"My name is Kisarei Uzumaki." My voice was hoarse and I spoke without thought. My stomach fell with every word. I was doing this. This was it. I clenched the fabric over my chest. "Naruto Uzumaki he..." I trailed off, feeling the tears come. My vision blurred. I hated crying in front of people. This decision. I had made it just before I had her. My... "He is my brother. I had complications in my pregnancy, they never explained..." I choked on the words. Maybe, if I seen the report, it would be easier to let myself go. Accept this life. Ask Gaara to do the same. I hadn't asked it of him yet. I knew I had to. The ease he still used my old name, it had to stop. I knew it had to.

"You..." With her whispered word I wiped at my eyes and looked back to her. "You are her mother then?"

I froze. She knew my baby? "You've seen her?" I leaned in her direction. "Tell me. Tell me about her. What's her name, does she seem healthy, where did you see her?"

"I..."

I gripped the edge of the bed. I wish I were steadier on my feet. I wish I had more energy. I wish I could shake the information out of the girl. "Tell me, please." I stressed the word. Please. I need to know.

"She seemed healthy when I seen her, yeah." She took a step backward.

"You did see her then, you actually seen her with your own eyes? When?"

"Last week when Lord Kazekage came to the diner and hired me for something. Lady Temari said it had something to do with the woman in this room. Do you know why I am here?"

Last week she was fine. I took a breath. "Her name? Do you know her name? What does she look like?" I wasn't going to let this girl change the subject. She was new. She might give in faster than the others.

"I can't say."

What? "Why?" I swung my legs over the bed. Hell with this. "Why the fuck not?" I pushed. Step. Steady. Step. _Shit_. I felt my legs give out and hands grabbed hold of me.

"My Lady, are you alright?" I could hear the concern in her voice. It was too close to sounding like pity.

Don't pity me. "Fine."

The door opened and I looked up to see Temari. She was frowning at me. "Can't you just stay in bed until you're ready?"

I glared at her. "Why should I?" This, everything, I was getting sick of it. I wanted to move. I wanted to see more than these walls and the view from my bed. I wanted to feel the air on my skin, the burn of the sun.

Temari helped the girl put me back on the bed. "Why did she get up?" Question not directed at me, but the girl.

Maybe I could run away if I ever get better. Swipe my baby back and make a run for it. See how long I could survive before Gaara slaughtered me for it. I smirked.

"She was trying to get information about Lord Kazekage's baby."

Temari hummed. "That's fair. You're new, probably seen an opportunity."

I groaned. "I am here you know, tsch."

They ignored me. Bastards. "Hey, the other thing though. You going to get it for me?" I crossed my arms. Boobs. Nope. I gave a shudder and uncrossed them. How could girls do that? Freaking weird. Both of them looked over to me, surprise written all over Temari's face. Wait. Temari. What in the hell did I just ask? I froze in place, hoping they would forget about me.

The girl looked at Temari and I think my heart stopped for a moment. "Will I be returning?"

Temari shifted on her feet and crossed her arms, studying the girl. Don't ask what I want. Please, don't ask... "What did she ask for?" Damn.

"Death reports on the Hokage." Double damn.

Temari looked over to me. "This true?"

I swallowed. I should have kept my mouth shut. I should have let her go without a word. "Temari, I just... I..." I looked away.

I heard a sigh. "There is an official report in the Kazekage tower with more details than released to the majority public."

I clenched my hands. This was going to happen. Of the gods, this was actually going to happen. Did I want to see it? What am I thinking?

Temari continued. "I want you to go to the third door within the records office and ask for a copy of the tree report. If there is any questions, tell them to call the residence of the Kazekage and we will confirm your employment within the household. Congrats. You just got yourself hired." She held out her hand and the girl reached out and shook it. Hired? For what?

The girl smiled. "Thank you. You won't regret it." She let go of Temari's hand and stood there, smiling and looking between us.

Temari motioned at the door, she muttered a 'right' and shuffled out of the room quickly. Temari followed to the door, and pushed it shut with a soft click. She stood there at the door for a while, her hands on it. She took a deep breath and turned to me. Her lips turned down into a soft frown and she didn't make eye contact. "With Gaara, you--"

"So who is the girl?" I changed the subject. Gaara was not a subject I wanted to talk about. I was pissed at him. Worried about him. I wanted him. I wanted him to stay away. It confused me, and I didn't want to feel the range of emotions which came with thinking about him.

"Her name is Chuyo, she is going to be your assistant from now on."

"So you are going to keep me locked in here forever then."

The frown deepened. "The council insists you have one."

"A babysitter?"

She groaned. "Damn it Naruto, we can only do so damn much. They still see you as a rival Kage no matter your condition. They haven't even mentioned that part to Gaara and they probably never will. Do you get it?"

I laughed. Seriously? "Have they seen me? Damn, Temari, what in the hell could I even do? I would be lucky just to live like a damn regular person at this point." I laughed harder. I laughed because it was true. I laughed because if I didn't laugh, I would cry. I teared up anyway. I wiped at my eyes and took a deep breath and flopped back into my pillows.

"Why?"

I looked up at my spiral. My familiar thing. "If you haven't noticed, I can't even walk." I looked over to her.

"That's not..." She sighed. "Why did you ask for the report?"

Oh. Right. I took a deep breath. "I should know what happened beyond 'my clone offed himself', ya know."

"When the report gets here I will take out some of the-"

"Don't." My voice cracked and I wrapped my hands around my middle. I swallowed. "We talked about this before. Before I had the baby. Before Gaara asked me to marry him."

Her eyes widened. "He what?"

I felt sick. He hadn't told her? "Oh." Maybe he changed his mind after all. I hadn't seen the necklace since I woke up either. Maybe he had it removed. Maybe he returned it. "It's weird right? Why in the hell would he want to anyway? I mean, the council married us anyway, so it would be a bit pointless. The story was kinda cool though. I got that. I mean, I was a guy not all that long ago and how weird is that? I shouldn't even be here. Not like this. I'm not even me, I don't think I am ever going to be a ninja again, you know. I don't think I have the ability. Kurama's gone. I know it, I can't feel him. Did he die or something? I don't even know if I can grieve for him. I can barely make a clone, I pass out every time. I am married to somebody who is avoiding me for whatever reason and-"

"Shut up."

I ignored her. I needed to talk. Talking kept me sane. I hated the silence. There had been too much silence lately, and if I didn't talk, I would cry. I could feel it. If I allowed myself to think, I would fall back into the darkness which plagued my thoughts. "I haven't even seen her yet. I don't know her name. Will I ever walk again? What about Hinata and the kids? I can't even-"

A hand plastered itself to my mouth. "I fucking said shut up!"

I pulled at her hand, but with the way my body had become, she was stronger than me. It felt as though someone punched me in the gut with the realization I wasn't even strong enough to move Temari's hand from my mouth.

So I bit her.

She gave a yell and there was a rush of air towards my face. I gasped, wide eyed as her hand stopped just inches from my skin. She retreated from me, grabbed a chair and sat it down next to the bed. She fell into it.

I cleared my throat. I hadn't meant to voice all of it. I hadn't. I had to. I needed to. It was crushing me, the weight of my own thoughts. "I don't even know who I am anymore Temari." My throat felt tight. I needed to say it.

"You're still you, Naruto."

I looked up to the spiral. I remembered the conversation we had a few weeks ago, months to her. I remembered what I looked like now, smaller and more frail looking than just before I had my baby. The fact I could barely make a single clone, the fact I no longer had Kurama. My heart raced. I knew what I needed to do. "No. I'm not Naruto anymore. Naruto Uzumaki, my brother and the Hokage, died before I gave birth."

"Brother?" She sounded defeated, her voice soft.

I took a deep breath. "What else can I say? If she's ever tested, they'd know she's a close blood relation to my kids with Hinata. If this is the story, it should keep suspicions low, right?"

She was silent for a few minutes so I looked over to her. Her eyes fixated on me, and she leaned back into the chair when I made eye contact. "You're being serious about it. You're going to kill yourself off."

I flinched at the words. I didn't like them. Yet... "Yeah. I think I have to. I don't know who I'm going to be, but, I can't be who I've been, yeah?" I worked at sitting up and pulled my legs up underneath me. Moving my legs was getting easier. "Do you think Gaara was telling the truth when he agreed to let me see her?"

"Yes. He is getting ready for it now. Might be a few more days, but yes, he is going to."

Butterflies erupted in my stomach. Gaara. "Do you think he hates me?"

"Naruto."

I glared at her. "You should stop calling me that." I surprised myself with the words. The decision felt final this time. It felt more like an idea the last time I mentioned it. Naruto Uzumaki. Deceased. It had to be this way.

She took a breath. "Kisarei."

The name made me feel sick. This was it. The beginning. I needed to move forward. "You didn't answer me." I choked on my own words. Kisarei. My name. The name Gaara, the Kazekage of Suna himself had given me. My husband.

Husband. My stomach twisted further and I leaned forward holding my stomach. I closed my eyes willing the bile back down from my throat. Death. Naruto Uzumaki was dead. From this moment on, the shadow of who I once was will be gone. I did not look forward to telling this to the man who is my husband. Husband.

Husband, husband, husband. It still felt odd. I needed to get accustomed to it.

"No matter what your name is. No matter what health you are in. No matter your state of mind, Gaara will never let you go. He would sooner die himself. Sooner destroy everyone in Suna than lose you." Her words were whispered, but I caught them.

I looked her dead in the eyes. Destroy Suna?"He wouldn't destroy the thing he fought so hard to earn."

She looked away. "You are wrong. I know."

I scoffed at her. "Yeah, sure. Don't get me wrong or nothing, but his dream was to become something precious to Suna. I doubt he'd throw it away just for me."

She got up from her chair and leaned on my bed. "Listen to me. You, the baby, everything that's happened, it was something he never allowed himself to consider a possibility. He has a family now, he would destroy the world sooner than lose it. He's just in shock. Do you get it? He isn't the most stable of people in normal circumstances, so this has him a bit... Off. Even for him. Give him time to cope, will you?"

I narrowed my eyes. "I've been awake for a month. How long do I give him? When our kid's a grown ass ninja? Do you think he'll let me out for the graduation?" I looked away. I didn't mean what I said but-

"You jackass."

I winced.

"You've no idea what he's been through. No fucking idea." She started to shout, every word louder than the last. "Hell with it. I was going to spare some of the damn details of when you were out cold, but no. You are getting the report. All of it. Every freaking detail."

Soon, the door slammed shut and I jumped at the sound. "Damn." I fell back on the pillows. I took a deep breath. "What the hell do you think I have been through, Temari?"

.*. .*. .*.

The next day I woke to an empty room. Empty, except for a file. It was encased in metal and the seal had been opened. _Tree Report._ Tree, sure. How in the hell would anybody buy that on a file like this? It screamed 'secret'. If I were still a bratty kid and seen this, I would have went out of my way to see what was inside this thing. Honestly, how obvious. I snorted and grabbed it. How long had this thing been here?

Why did I care? I grabbed it off of the side table and I sat up. I pulled the folder from the metal casing. This folder read ' _File 8706 - Uzumaki, Naruto - Research and Investigation 7-A-8'_. I frowned at it. Seriously? They actually had a system for this shit? "Gaara you ass, I asked if there was a better way to get through the damn paperwork." I scoffed. Maybe my life would have been easier with a better filing system. I froze. Better. I gripped the file. Would I have a better life here? Could I really be happy without being a ninja, without leading a nation, without...

Before I could chicken out I opened it up. My stomach lurched. Right on the front page was me. Blood, bone and... I closed it. My hand was at my mouth and I trembled. "Oh fuck. Fuck." I leaned into myself. "Damn Temari, you were being serious." I focused on my breath. I had seen bodies before. It was just... Weird, looking at my own. It was very obvious the body was me. Naruto Uzumaki - deceased. If I allowed myself to lose the baby, to vow never to see Gaara again... This would have been me. Not just some stupid clone but...

Another deep breath. This, I had to do this. I bit the inside of my cheek and opened it back up. I started to read through the details. The invasion, the explosions. There were reports on captured enemies who gave no information. It was a mystery yet. There was a full report on how the Hokage stood still and let himself get blown up. There were speculations on why this happened. There were theories on whether or not the Hokage had been controlled and ordered a full investigation into it. I laughed at this. I knew. I knew what emotions might have been there. Losing the baby, losing Gaara, losing Hinata. What else was there?

I stared at the paper. _What else was there_? My heart thudded painfully in my chest. What had I done all these years? Chasing some stupid dream and ignoring the things which meant the most to me. I swallowed, hard. Maybe it was better after all. Giving it up. Letting all of it go. I was a good Hokage, I worked my entire life for it. Gain their respect. Make them want me. Make them see who I was. Let me become something more than just a monster. I worked my ass off. I was always tired. I never had time for anything, I never had time for Hinata or the kids. I never...

I flipped to the next page in the report, expecting more theories or mission files on research and recognisance but this was something else entirely.

_=Treaty proposal for Konoha and Suna. The union of an unregistered Uzumaki relative of Seventh Hokage Naruto Uzumaki and the Fifth Kazekage Gaara of the Sand.=_

I took a breath. So, this was the letter Kakashi sensei sent out for Suna to marry us huh? I almost flipped past it, but curiosity won out. What all was in this thing anyway?

_Konoha proposes a union as a bond and peace agreement after the devastating loss of Naruto Uzumaki. It is a well known fact the peace between our nations is due to the close relation of our Kage and it would be of both nations interest if the peace were to continue without incident. The woman we present as an option we believe is of great interest to Gaara of the sand. We ask for a member of the Kazekage family come and affirm the possibility of this before preceding. If we are correct in our assumption, she will then be transported, in permanence to your nation without return. We expect your speedy response, there is a letter within this which is addressed solely to Baki, which contains the full identity of the woman of interest. He will understand the urgency once read, and the need for secrecy._

I stared at it, the sentence referring to permanence and without return popping off the page to me. Without return? I worried my bottom lip with my teeth. They probably just meant my citizenship, right? That's what it had to be. It just had to be.

I flipped to the next page. The marriage contract. They really had everything pertaining to me and my transfer into Suna didn't they? I skimmed it, the traditional statements within which were all freaking boring. Blah, blah, wait. Here it was. The part declaring the union of Gaara and the Uzumaki woman relation to the seventh Hokage.

_With the previous statements acknowledged, both councils of Suna approve the union and declare Lord Gaara of the Sand, youngest son and third born of Lord Fourth Raza and Lady Kurura, current and active Fifth Kazekage of Suna as unified with Lady Uzumaki of Konoha, blood relative to Naruto Uzumaki, Seventh Hokage of Konoha. As per collective law, this union nullifies all relations to Konoha prior and will be hereon be known as a Lady of Suna of Uzumaki bloodline, wife to Fifth Kazekage Gaara of the Sand. Citizenship upon naming shall commence as an attached amendment._

Wow, these people were freaking wordy with shit. No wonder Gaara had an affinity for complicated words. I skimmed through more, everything past this point getting into Suna bylaws and things I didn't honestly give a shit about. Well mostly. I did see something about having to comply to something with appearances, but was hardly readable with all the crap they inserted. I continued on. Blah blah, oh, here...

My mouth went dry. There, the one thing beyond the declaration I had any interest in. _Per request of the origin nation, visitation and returns shall not be allowed. The physical return of Lady of Suna of Uzumaki bloodline, wife to the fifth Kazekage Gaara of the Sand, shall not be allowed within the walls of Konohagakure, lest the treaty of peace be nullified. Even if the peace treaty is nullified, per Suna common law, the marriage shall remain in tact and redaction at any point will not be considered once approved by both Councils of Suna. Without dissension this marriage contract is hereby put into motion by the following members of Suna Council Proper:_

I skimmed over the signatures, only recognizing the signature of Baki. Then, there was a second section. _The Suna Council of Elders_. Who were these people? I don't remember anything about a second council of Suna. My stomach twisted. There really wasn't a place for Gaara to sign. Without permission, without a thought, these twenty some people chained us together.

I wasn't complaining, but damn. I mean, I knew Suna was bigger than Konoha, but I never thought about how their system worked. It seemed more organized and had a hell of a lot more people to help control things. We had about a committee of around fifteen people, including myse-... Including the Hokage.

So they didn't want me back at all. I stared at the last paragraph. Konoha would never be part of my life. I'd never be able to go back without causing problems. I let out a breath. Gone. All of it. It was probably better this way. Was it? I didn't want to think about it. I flipped to the next page. It was a citizenship certificate for a woman named Kisarei. I smirked. Hey, that seemed familiar. So, this was me. My paperwork declaring my citizenship. I remembered the ceremony, the way the name sounded as Gaara whispered the name. The way he looked at me.

Had I ever looked at Hinata in _that_ way? Had I ever really loved her, the way I was supposed to love her? My stomach twisted. I'm so dense. I tried. She was important to me. She would always be important to me, I think. I chalked it up to not understanding the whole love thing. After we had married the feelings I thought were love evened out. She was my best friend, my partner. She was the mother of my children.

I stared at the paper. I asked for this. I needed to remember. I needed to let go. I closed my eyes. I took a deep breath. I had to become someone new. Someone Suna would see as worthy for their Kazekage. Someone worthy of bearing his child. The thought sent my hand to my abdomen. If he still wanted me after everything, if he still wanted to marry me, would I be able to do it again? Would it even be possible? Would he want that, or... I trembled at the thought. I just couldn't see him wanting some big family, hell it was hard enough just to get him to touch me, and if it weren't for me pretty much raping the guy, this wouldn't have ever happened.

Actually, I'm pretty sure I should just be happy he wanted anything to do with me. For him. For everything I had done to him, I needed to embrace what I had condemned him to. I needed to be the wife I had become by making the choice to keep our baby. Embrace the fact I no longer was, nor would ever again be the man I once was. I held my hands out in front of me. My stomach twisted. They left the bandages on. I reached up to my shoulder and pulled the corner of the bandage out of its seal. I began to unravel them, allowing the arm beneath to show. Changes. If I were to let go of who I was, this thing had become a part of me. The bandages were more cosmetic than necessary, and I hated the stares. I went a week without them after the bandages were no longer needed, and everyone would just stare at my arm. It was weird, yeah, but I hated the stares so I just re-bandaged it and it stayed that way ever since.

The dead gray looking skin came into view with every circle of the bandage which came off. Bit by bit it came off of the skin. The feeling was so dull in it, I barely noticed the feel of the air. It wound down past my elbow. Then, past my forearm.

Then, I was pulling it up from my wrist. I paused. I gripped it in my fist, my vision blurred. My stomach churned and I felt acid rise in my throat. "Earlier this year, my twin brother, Naruto Uzumaki passed away in an attack on Konoha. Earlier this year I nearly died giving birth to the Kazekage's daughter. My name..." My voice broke here. I had to. I had to do this. I swallowed. "My name is Kisarei. Kisarei, wife of the Fifth Kazekage of Suna, Gaara of the Sand. I am a citizen of Suna." With these words I pulled.

The last of the bandages unravelled from my hand and I let them fall to the floor. I fisted my hands and doubled over. "Kisarei. I am Kisarei."

I held my stomach and I gave a small cry. "I am Kisarei. I am Kisarei." I couldn't stop the tears. I whispered this over and over between sobs.

"I am Kisarei."

Removing the bandages were painful. More painful than I gave them credit for. For with their removal, it removed what was left.

With the bandages was the end of Naruto Uzumaki.

" _I am Kisarei._ "


	36. Meeting the Baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might notice a small change from this chapter onward ;) I already have the next chapter complete so I will take my time and edit it this time, and I am about halfway done with the chapter after that. This book still has a ways to go before the next part hits, so I still have a lot of work ahead of me. Going to try and get a few more chapters done before I start working on part 2 of Inheritants. I still want to have all three parts of 'Mark of the One' done before the end of the year. A hefty goal considering I haven't finished the second part yet, but hey, I am ambitious and I finally am getting my writing mojo back hehe.
> 
> As always, reviews/comments serve to inspire. <3

 

**Kisarei**

I felt both heavy and light at the same time. I hadn't bothered moving. I wasn't sure when I had fallen asleep after removing my bandages, but the sun filtered through the windows of the room, so I must have slept the night through. I took a deep breath. I hadn't finished reading through the file yet, and there were a few more pages to look through after my certificate of citizenship. I wasn't sure what else there would be, but now seemed as good a time as anything to look through it. While I had time and had to wait. Wait for something to happen. Wait for Gaara. Wait for my precious daughter. My heart thudded in my chest. I was going to meet her.

What will she look like? She was what, two, three months old now? Did she have hair? What color are her eyes? I smiled. My baby, I was going to hold her. In my arms. I could have her. Any doubt of me loving her vanished with the thought. How could I have thought it? Was all of this worth it? I don't know, but she deserved life. I would never have been able to take that away from her, no matter how good or terrible my own life was.

With a soft sigh I sat up and when I did, something clattered on the floor near the window. My stomach twisted and I turned to see what it was just to find yet another girl I didn't recognize in my room. She stared at me, her eyes wide. "Who in the hell are you?" I was getting sick of surprises.

"You are awake." Her voice hitched, surprised.

Well, that was unexpected. "Yeah, kinda obvious, don't cha think?" I scratched my head. "You still didn't say who you are."

"Oh." She gave me a half smile. "My name is Yumi."

"Well then Yumi, mind telling me why you're in my room?" I frowned at her. The first girl was let up by Temari, but this girl looked as though she had been caught doing something she shouldn't. She scanned the room and I followed the trail her eyes made and noticed a few drawers were open.

"Um..."

"You could tell me the truth ya know. Also, I wouldn't go through those drawers, they belong to Gaara."

Her eyes focused on me. "That's why I am going through them. I need to find something"

I sighed. "Unless your looking for spares of his outfit or something way more freaking creepy, I wouldn't go through them. Pretty damn pointless." If she replied I didn't notice because I shifted to get to the pillows on the side of the bed. I moved the pillows behind me so I could sit back and one fell to the floor. I groaned. I stared at it a moment, then looked over to the girl. I sighed. "Oh fuck it. You, could you grab that stupid thing? I don't feel like explaining to whoever comes in the room next why I am on the floor."

"I..." She trailed off, then nodded. "Ok." She came closer to the bed then handed me the pillow. "How long you been awake anyway? Shinki never mentioned it."

I frowned as I took the pillow. "You know Shinki?" I set it behind me and leaned back. I studied her this time. "You new on his team or something?"

She shook her head. "I am not a ninja. The families where I am from, who are in the resistance are not allowed to enter any of the academies or recognize."

I studied her a bit closer. Brown hair, sorta plain but pretty eyes. "You his girlfriend then? He's never mentioned you, but then again he is kinda weird like this entire freaking family."

She choked some, her cheeks reddened and she shook her head no. "There's no way. They'd kill me."

"Why would..." I trailed off. Resistance? "What's the resistance?"

She eyed the bed, shrugged then sat down on it, drawing her knee up so she could face me. "You aren't from here are you?"

"Konoha."

"You are a ninja?"

Yes. "No." The word hurt. "My brother was." I swallowed and my shoulders trembled. I am fine. This was fine. Stop being weird about it.

"Was?" Her eyes widened with the question.

"Yeah, was." I took a deep breath. "He was killed in the attack a few months ago. Naruto Uzumaki."

Her look was blank. "Who?"

I stared at her. "Seriously?" Who the heck didn't know the names of all the Kage?

She frowned, raised her shoulders and shook her head. "No idea."

"Wow. That's a new one." I laughed. "Great." I smiled at her, the widest smile I could muster. "I mean that, it's great."

She looked confused and I laughed again.

"Hey, I don't have to live up to him, yeah? He was Konoha's Hokage." I raised my hands and clasped them behind my head. "Seriously though, what's this resistance? I mean, you are shuffling through my husbands things and all."

She looked away from me. "Husband, huh?" She took a deep breath, clenched her fists and looked back to me, her face showing no sign of emotion. "Have you seen a picture of a boy in this room?"

I lowered my hands. "No. The only pictures I've seen is of his family, there aren't really any of him until he was Kazekage." I frowned. "I wonder if there are any floating around out there."

She sighed. "Wonder what he did with it. They are going to kill me."

"Who?"

"My parents. I took the picture hoping I could find some trace of him, but..." She took a breath. "Your husband isn't exactly the nicest guy. Don't know how much they told you about him."

I stared at her. Was she being serious? "You trying to warn me about Gaara?"

She gave a slow nod.

I couldn't keep the smile off my face. This kid was trying to warn me about Gaara. I laughed. I laughed hard, harder than I intended to. I wiped at my eyes to remove the stray tears. "Oh my god, I needed that. You've no idea." I smacked her leg. "I like you. Shinki wants to date you, I will back you guys up. Buffer it out to Gaara, though it would have to be pretty obvious before he notices anything, the poor guy's clueless when it comes to this shit."

There was a look of horror on the girl's face. "You know?"

"It was my brother who knocked sense into him when he was twelve." My smile fell at the memory.

"Knowing about who he is, what he's done, how could you still want to marry him?"

I watched her silently a moment. Why? "The truth?"

She nodded. "My uncle, he disappeared years ago, with thousands of others from Suna. Gaara of the Sand was a plague to this nation, and now everyone follows him blindly, as though nothing happened. We know, we know at every meal, every holiday. There is a giant hole in our district because of him, we got hit the worst because its where he lived. Don't you get it?"

I looked away. I felt sick. Her family was the reason. The people who lived there was the reason. I removed my hand from her thigh. "Don't ask me to sympathize with you. I get loss, I do. Don't think I don't care, but... It's not like you tried to change it. It isn't like any of you tried to prevent him from going batshit crazy."

"How in the hell could we have?"

I snapped my eyes back to her. "Somebody could have noticed him, cared about him. Show him he was more than just a weapon. Anybody. It only takes one person to save someone from that kind of hell." I leaned forward. I remembered the stares. I remember the words. I remember the disgust, the fear, the hatred. I remembered Iruka saving me from myself. "You have no idea. No idea what it's like living in that kind of state. Why would he care when he thought nobody wanted him to live when he thought the only reason he was living was to kill?" I grabbed her shoulder when she leaned away from me, her eyes wide. If I had grown up knowing what was inside me, I could easily have become like Gaara. "I won't excuse it. I won't, but you need to understand. Back then, people were faceless insects to him. Pointless. He barely even seen his own siblings as people back then."

Her face held a look of shock. She was silent a moment. She took a breath. "But he remembers him."

I let her go. "That's impossible." I leaned back. "He told me once he never could place a face with anybody he had killed before outside of one. It bothers him, you know." He remembered someone? It didn't seem likely to me.

"He looked shocked, maybe the picture triggered a memory."

Shocked? I bit the inside of my lip, not wanting to drag this out any. Maybe I would ask him about it after he came around again. Talked. Not that we talked much before all this, but... I sighed. "Yeah, maybe." I studied the girl. I didn't even know her, and she was sitting on my bed, talking about my Gaara and... "You never answered what the resistance is."

"A faction of people from Lord Gaara's childhood neighborhood. They will not accept him as their Kazekage, even after all this time. I grew up with the stories, the pictures. I never believed them until a few weeks ago though."

"What happened a few weeks ago?" I frowned. Gaara had been out of it, more so than I had ever seen him before. I wanted to know.

She looked away. "I don't think it's for me to say. He may have shown mercy to me before, but if I were to tell someone, especially one he apparently cares about, I am pretty sure I would end up part of his armor, like many of the people who were lost in Suna."

I frowned at her. "He doesn't carry the people of Suna around as his armor."

She shrugged. "They say he ground their bones until they were part of his sand, a small reminder for him he killed something."

I hummed. It would be dumb of me to forget what Gaara was underneath all that sand. "Yeah, he does that kind of shit."

Her eyes widened and she stared at me. "But-"

I interrupted her before she could finish. "As far as I know he hasn't gone on a Suna killing spree since before he was killed." The words left a bitter taste in my mouth, but they were truthful.

She continued to stare at me. "Wasn't that just some hoax to force the people of Suna to rally behind him?"

My stomach lurched. Hoax? I wrapped my arms around my stomach. "I almost lost him. I did lose him. He was gone for an entire day, you know. I carried around his body for a while. If it weren't for me and Lady Chiyo..." I trailed off. I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to contemplate a life without Gaara in it. Out of everyone, I think his loss would be something I couldn't recover from. There were others which hit me hard. Pervy Sage, Neji... But Gaara?

I would probably have joined him, after getting revenge. It was before I cared about not following through, cared about... Why was I telling this to some girl who I didn't know? She could have been lying about knowing Shinki. "If you're part of this resistance thing, why are you even hanging around and meeting with Shinki in the first place?"

"I didn't know who he was when I met him. Where I live is a media free zone." Her lips lifted in a forced smile. "To say the least I was surprised when the Kazekage brought me here because of him."

What in the hell happened while I was out? "Here, as in his house?"

She shook her head. "No, as in here, this room."

"Was I in here?" Gaara brought this girl in here?

"It's why I was a bit surprised you were awake."

 _While_ I was in here? I scoffed. "Must trust ya, then."

She looked away and didn't respond to what I said. We sat like this, quietly for a few minutes. I would ask her to leave, but damn. I just wanted the company, even if the company was an intruder. I am so freaking pathetic. A few more minutes passed and the silence was starting to get to me. Even now, after being stuck in a room alone for a while, I couldn't stand the silence. "Does anyone know you've been talking to the son of the Kazekage?"

Her back stiffened. "They can't know." Her voice was tight.

I frowned. "Hey, Yumi, that's your name, right?"

"Yeah." She didn't look back to me.

"Don't let predispositions sway your opinion on him. Shinki's a good kid."

She turned to look at me. "He's different. Kind, I can tell." She frowned. "Does he always get a strange blank expression with you too?"

"Get used to it. Creepy as hell, but yeah. His dad gets it more often than he does, I fear it will only get worse with age." I shuddered. "I get a terrible feeling it will be an inherited thing." I flashed her my widest smile. "Could you imagine an entire house full of kids with that expression? I'm doomed, aren't I?" Kids. Plural. What am I thinking here exactly? My eyes widened as flashed of memory came. Hot breath, skin, the sound of my name whispered on his lips. I swallowed and looked up to the spiral. Where did that come from? I took a deep breath.

"Are you alright?"

I kept my eyes focused on the drawing on the ceiling. "Fine." Another breath as I tried to clear my mind. I closed my eyes. "Just memories."

"Like what?"

I looked down and locked eyes with her. "Everything. You know, I gave up everything I had in order to be here. To have my daughter. Gaara, Shinki, they are my family. They may be a bit dysfunctional and weird, but they are mine. I can tell you like him, I see it in your eyes."

She went to speak and I covered her mouth with my hand. "I will support and back ya if you decide to go for it. He's like his dad, it won't be easy, but it could happen. Also." I leaned in. Threat. This whole resistance thing didn't sound good. He probably left him alone because he already felt he terrorized them enough. "Ever try to harm my family, I will figure out a way to hunt you down. I might have lost my ability to fight, but for as long as I breathe, I won't let anybody hurt my family. Got it?"

Her eyes were wide and she nodded. I let her go. I didn't go through all this just to have some girl use Shinki and destroy it all. She cleared her throat. "I'm not like that. I won't be." She looked away, her eyes holding tears, unfallen. "I'm sorry. I should go." She shoved off from the bed and headed to the door. She paused. "You really gave up everything to follow your heart?" Her hand hovered over the doorknob.

This girl, I had a feeling about her. "Everything." She had no idea by how much.

Her shoulders heaved with a deep breath. "Was it hard?"

I wasn't going to sugar coat it. If I was right in my feeling, this girl was thinking about defecting from her family for whatever her reasons. "The hardest thing I've ever done, and it's saying a hell of a lot, ya know?" I watched Gaara die. I lost the Pervy Sage. I resisted the urge to avenge him. Neji died protecting me and Hinata. I gave in and allowed Hinata to love me. I worked so hard to become and maintain being Hokage I ignored everything else I ever wanted. "You have no idea."

She swallowed, nodded and turned toward the door. She hesitated, then left through it, shutting it without a sound behind her. Yumi.

I couldn't shake the feeling it wouldn't be the last time I would see her.

.*. .*. .*.

"Alright, Gaara has settled on tonight as the time you will see them. He finally is out and moving again, so I agree with him this time." Temari flopped down on the side of my bed, a big smile on her face. "Finally. He is so damn stubborn. I think it will do him good to move past it all, don't you?"

"I..."

"I only have about four days left before I have to head back, so this is perfect. Everything will move along fine, as long as he goes through with it. I told you I was leaving again, didn't I? I just found out today so I wasn't sure." She gave half a laugh, stood up and started to pace next to my bed. "Some kind of leads on the attacks or something."

I nodded. The papers past my name had contained a brief, edited and mostly blacked out report about an attack on a hospital. The time slot coincided within a week of the attack on Konoha and I had a sick feeling it had something to do with me. The attack destroyed most of the hospital, and the casualty count was higher than I wanted to think about. If I were the cause...

"But I'm sure everything is going to go well. It has to go well. Kankuro is pointless to have around at the moment, until he gets over what happened with him, so-"

"What happened with Kankuro?" Seriously, what in the hell happened while I was out?

She gave a nervous laugh. "Well, I don't think it's for me to say."

I groaned. "Yeah, something else to ask Gaara whenever he gets around to talking to me. Don't get me wrong Temari, I get it. I get he isn't good with this shit, but I can't stand not knowing anything. I didn't get the chance to tell him about me, about having his kid, about how it happened. Yet, everything is left for him to tell me. It's not fair, all I'm sayin'."

She sighed. "It's Gaara. You will just get mad and talk our ears off, he gets mad, something breaks or dies."

I flopped back onto the pillows. I didn't say anything to her. She had been rambling, and it felt weird coming from someone else. It was kind of annoying. Why hadn't anyone turned it on me sooner? I wasn't sure it would have stopped me from doing it since it was kind of a nervous habit, but at least I would have known the effect better.

"I'll be here when it happens, when he brings her."

"Do you think she will like me?"

She sat on the edge of the bed. "Don't be so weird about it, huh? You're her mother."

"Yeah, I am, aren't I?" Mother. I swallowed. "I wonder when I'll get used to it. The change. Being Mom and not Dad." I took a deep breath. "I don't even remember having her that well, I just remember Gaara, then pain. Gods, the pain." I pulled my arm up to my eyes. I shuddered, recalling feeling as though my insides were being pulled out from me. "Does it always hurt like that, Temari? I never asked before, is it normal for it to hurt that much?" I kept my arm there, not wanting to show any emotions that might be showing on my face.

"It hurts. Trust me, it hurts." She sighed. "You were kind of different though. You've changed even more since you went into your coma and well, it wasn't exactly the most normal of circumstances. Might have hurt more for you than normal."

I groaned. "Yeah, leave it to me to make it more complicated."

"You lived through it though."

I moved my arm. "Yeah."

She smiled at me and stood up. "Next time you see me, I'll be here with your daughter. Are you ready?"

I forced a smile. "Ready as ever."

"Oh." She rummaged out a small book from her pocket. "Thought I would give this to you. You know, for preparation."

Preparation for what? I took the little thing from her when she handed it to me and I read the cover as she headed towards the door. _Taking care of babies for first time mothers - A general guide._ "Seriously Temari? I've had kids before."

She turned at the door just before she closed it, a wide smile on her face. "Not as a mother." I could hear her laugh as it shut behind her.

I stared at the book in my hand. What in the hell would I do with this? "Kinda pointless, Temari." I shoved it over to the stand next to my bed. Like I didn't know what to do with a baby. I had raised two, technically. I helped a lot with Boruto when he was little, and I was around a bit for Himawari.

I tried to remember her as a baby. She was tiny and... I think it's when I made my side office into a more permanent residence for myself. She cried so much I could barely think. I had so much work to do, so much to prove. I wasn't some natural at politics and brute strength alone didn't make a person a Kage in this area. I groaned and eyed the little book then shook my head.

"Maybe it's better I can't fight anymore."

I knew how to take care of babies, it had been years, but I've done it.

This time, I was going to be better about it.

.*. .*. .*.

I stared at the window. The sun was falling. Temari said tonight, didn't she? Tonight as in now considering the sky was growing dimmer by the minute? I shifted in my bed. Couldn't I wear something better than a hospital gown for my first meeting with my own daughter? What would she think?

Nothing. She is three damn months old, why in the hell would she care?

But her Father would be with her, wouldn't he? Gaara might like to see me in something more than a slip of fabric that tied at the back. I groaned. Why in the hell would I care what he thinks? Not like he's been chomping at the bit to see me or anything.

I shifted again. I wonder what happened to the outfit I had found that belonged to him. I could wear it, at least it would be something more than a damn piece of fabric with ties. I grit my teeth. There was nobody here to help. What if there was no warning or announcement and Temari just waltzed in with the baby and here I was unprepared? It was outright embarrassing. A lady shouldn't meet her child like this. "Lady, tsch." I laughed. It was so dumb. "Lady of Suna, as though I would ever fit the bill for that, eh?"

I swung my legs over the bed. My heart leapt up to my throat. I was going to meet her. I would finally have her in my arms. I could see for myself if she was ok, if they had been treating her right. I took a deep breath. My thoughts had been centering around it, I couldn't clear my head no matter how hard I tried and every time I thought about it, my nerves would rise. My baby.

My husband.

But mostly my baby. I gripped the bed. I needed to do something other than just sit here and the book on the nightstand taunted me with its presence. Baby. Think of your baby. Excited?

How about we freak out about it?

"I need to move." I shifted forward until my feet were on the ground. If I had Kurama this would have been a whole lot easier.

_Kurama._

"Wow, really, Naru.... Kisarei?" I caught myself mid name. _I am Kisarei._ I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Kurama was dead. Naruto was dead along with him. "I am Naruto Uzumaki's twin sister. I share his memories. I am his..." My voice cracked.

My shoulders trembled. Well, that's a great way to clear my head of my baby.

I wonder if she will... "Damn it!" I grabbed a pillow and launched it across the room. If I was more sure I wouldn't pass out by making a clone, I would make one. I wasn't going to chance missing my baby's visit though. "What does she look like, what's her name?" Three months.

I should know the answers of these questions.

I fell back onto the bed. Maybe Temari would be nice and come early. Maybe she would let me get dressed or something.

Maybe I would magically return to normal before he came back and surprise the hell out of both of them. I snickered. Wouldn't it be something? I raised my arms and slid my hands behind my head as a makeshift pillow as I let my feet dangle over the edge of the bed while I waited. "Normal, huh? What in the hell is normal anyway?"

"You ever figure it out, let me in on it, will you?"

Well, I wasn't expecting to hear him, of all people. "Hey, haven't heard from you in a while."

"Don't get me wrong, but I've been avoiding Gaara lately. Figured I should probably keep out or something, you know."

I laughed. "Oh sure, this probably is the safest spot in the house if you're avoiding him." I sat back up to look at my current intruder. "Why do you all have to be so damn creepy anyway? I never even heard the door open." I pouted out my lip and frowned. Sounded like a joke, I'm sure, but I was being serious.

He stared at me. For once, no emotion showing on his face. Was it really a full family habit, the no emotion thing?

"Kankuro, the hell?"

"I... You couldn't tell or anything at all?" His blank face fell, a frown on his lips. "You didn't sense me approaching or..." He sighed. "Well, damn." He moved over to the chair left near the bed. "Wasn't thinking you'd be gone that much. Not like I was hiding my presence."

I looked away from him a moment. I took a breath. Finally, someone who wasn't going to skirt it. "Yeah, I've noticed. Hell, can't even walk right yet. Can't make a clone without passing out. Pretty damn sure I'm not going to get anywhere near what I used to be, ya know?"

He hummed. "Maybe." He leaned back into the chair and crossed his arms.

I studied him a moment. "Not complaining or anything, but... Why are you here anyway?"

"Heard Temari's heading out in a bit. Figured someone with a brain should check on you."

I snorted. "Thanks."

He raised his brows. "What for?"

"For not being weird. Temari skirts around what's going on with me like she's walking on glass. The nurses don't actually say anything and Shinki well... He is Shinki."

He sighed. "Don't remind me, he ain't talking to me either."

"Seriously, what the hell happened while I was out?"

He crossed his arms. "Which time? Honestly, I'm pretty psyched Gaara is even functioning at all." He tilted his head. "Well, he might just be on autopilot. He's done his job while in his rest state before. Didn't even remember what the hell he did during it too. It's been years though."

I frowned at him. "You're not going to tell me either are you?"

He moved his index fingers to his mouth and formed an 'x'. "My lips are sealed. I've no idea what Gaara wants to tell you himself, and I am not about to piss him off any more than I already have. Figure he will seek me out when he's ready. I've only seen him in passing or when we are forced into the same room, but man. He might not show his emotion, but his eyes..." He tapped the corner of his eye. "I can see the anger in them."

"Why is he mad at you?"

"Not sayin'. I just know he is so mad at me he almost instantly forgave Temari for what she did." He leaned forward. "I did want to warn you though. He sent for that doctor friend of yours. Not sure why, but I think she is going to be coming."

Thought left me a moment. Doctor friend? "Sakura?"

He gave a nod.

My stomach churned. "Great." I fell backward. I wasn't sure I wanted to see her. "She knows I'm alive then." He wouldn't send for her if she didn't. Unless there was another reason.

"Yeah, she was part of the operation your stupid clone came up with."

I groaned. Gaaruto. "I can't shake the feeling that guy is up to something."

"Maybe. Seems to have gotten attached to Gaara's doctor after she..." He looked away. "Damn, I hate hush orders."

I took a breath. Then, I smiled. "You have any idea where there is some real clothes around here? Temari and Gaara are supposed to come tonight with my baby, and I don't want to be in a damned hospital gown.

He groaned. "The one day I decide to come and visit my new sister in law and it's the day she meets the kid." His voice sounded pained, but the smile betrayed the amusement in his words.

I responded via pillow toss jutsu.

My new specialty.

.*. .*. .*.

"You're getting yourself dressed man. I refuse to even look at ya naked. Unless you haven't noticed Gaara hasn't let me be alone with you since I did that clone of yours." Kankuro tossed some kind of dress at me. "Pretty sure he would kill me if he knew I was in here alone with you now, which is why I am not going to stick around much longer. In case he is attached to Temari when she comes and I am not about to die over something as stupid as talking to you."

I held up the dress. It was a plain dull gray one, but it was better than a hospital gown. "Gaara wouldn't kill you."

He snorted out a laugh. "Yeah, sure. Just a warning, since you got hitched to him, the guy might be better than when we were kids but he can't always control his crazy, you know." He leaned on the door frame. "He'd regret it. I know he would, but it wouldn't take much for him to lose it I don't think. I'd rather not tempt him."

I gripped the fabric and I stared at it. My heart hurt. I ruined everything. This wish. This thing I've done. My selfish desire to keep the small piece of Gaara which grew inside me alive. "I'm sorry you know. I didn't mean for all this to happen, I just-"

"Hey, shut up will ya? Nothing to apologize for."

I felt the tears stinging at my eyes and Kankuro was blurry when I looked back up to him. "Gaara, I hurt him in all this."

"Hey man, I said shut up." He pushed himself off the door and neared the bed. He leaned down. "I'm only going to say it once, so listen up. Kid, you've annoyed me ever since I've met you. Honestly, I have never been able to stand you." One hand landed next to me and his weight followed behind it and I felt the shift from his weight. "I'm only going to say it once. I will never have enough breath in this body to ever thank you as much as I want to for what you did for my brother. You gave him a light where none of us could get through, and now... That kid, you, it's the best thing to happen to him yet."

I tried to form words. Me? I know I have heard people say it, but... Other than knocking the guy out, what have I really ever done?"

"Ever. He's not good with change. Give it time, will ya?"

I swallowed and nodded. Not good with change. How was I good for him exactly? I sort of forced this on him. I looked back down to the dress. Dress. Another lump formed in my throat and I felt as often as they formed I should be used to them by now. I cleared my throat and looked away. Change the subject. I wasn't anything.

I was never going to be anything, not in this form. Just the wife of the Kazekage. The royal baby maker. I felt numb at the thought. Could I even have more kids? Would I even want to?

My mouth went dry. Having more would mean... "Turn around will you? I can't exactly put this on with you leaning on the damn bed, now can I?"

"I don't have a death wish, idiot." He pushed off the bed and held his hands up. "I'm just going to head out. Not sticking around to be found out." He stalked off towards the door. "Good luck with him." He flashed me a wide smile and scooted out the door before I could respond.

If I had wanted to respond, which I didn't. I gripped the fabric in my hands. Dress. At least it should be easy, right? I worked at loosening the binds to my hospital gown. I smiled as it slid forward on my shoulders and the cooler air of the room his the bare skin of my back. I wiggled to finish removing the thing from my body, then gathered it into a ball. With a single motion I hurled it halfway across the room, the fabric defying me and unfolding midair then landing in the middle of the floor.

I groaned. Oh well. Hopefully Temari would pick it up when she came. When she came with my baby. When she came with Gaara. I stared at the place it fell. Gaara was coming. I was finally going to see him. I was finally going to talk to him. It would be the first time since I had woke up beyond his brief stop to see I was still alive and moving.

I wanted to be mad at him for it. I wanted to hate him for abandoning me while I was like this. I wanted to scream at him for not being around when I needed someone, anyone to help me through becoming a chick. I couldn't. I had moments, but I couldn't. This was my fault. All of this was my fault. Everything from the wish to the incident in the cave, to avoiding him like the plague to choosing to keep the baby. None of this was because of him. I had raped him, I had made him a father, I had made him a husband just by carrying his child. I buried my head in my hands.

All of this because I couldn't be a good husband to my wife. I just wasn't good at it. I was halfway sure I was going to suck being a mom. I mean, it's the same thing, just under a different name, right? Why couldn't I have let go of my obsession with Gaara? Why couldn't I get past it? Damn it, I tried. I tried so fucking hard. I got married. I had kids. I avoided him for years until I became Hokage.

My stomach twisted. I ruined Gaara's life because I couldn't fall out of love with him. Even if I didn't recognize what the emotion was, it was always there. I thought about him too much, longed for him too much. Even in the early years of my marriage, he was a constant thought in my life. He had become so beautiful as he grew older. I always hated he had to be a man, yet, somehow it was me who ended up the girl in all this.

"Are you _trying_ to kill my brother?"

I dropped my hands and looked up at Temari. "Why would you say that?"

An odd look passed over her features. "I never know when to take you seriously. Are you being serious?"

I stared at her. I frowned. "Come on Temari, what's your deal? I've no idea what you-"

She distracted my when she rushed to the desk in the middle of the room and held up a mirror.

I felt myself get hot. The image was of a naked woman with blonde hair and blue eyes. I folded my arms around my bare chest and watched the woman in the image do the same. Oh. _"Oh._ " Well, damn. I gave a nervous laugh. "Sorry, I forgot about those for a second." I tore my eyes away from my image to grab the gray fabric in my lap and pushed it on over my head. "Gaara's seen me naked before, but usually just as a guy. I think I do remember him acting a little weird when we were in the cave."

"Weird? You think, Rei?" Rei? She stressed the name and I figured it was what she was shortening my name down to since it was the second time I heard her use it. I scoffed and she crossed her arms. "I think it was weird enough you two ended up with a kid, unless that sort of thing happened between you guys before and just hid the crap."

I pulled some on my hair. "Tsch, I wish." I slapped my hand over my mouth. She didn't need to know I had fantasized about that. Also, I really had to stop saying anything with the word 'wish' in it. I know the old lady said it was only good for two, but who needed to take chances?

She smirked at me. "I think you have had enough wishing to last you a lifetime." She came over to the bed. "Gaara is about to come with the baby, so I just want to have you ready."

I froze. Gaara. Baby. Now. It's happening. "I get to meet her." My words were breathy. The smile formed on its own and I grabbed her arm. "I don't know if I'm ready. Hell, I'm ready. What do I do? What if she cries? What if there is something wrong with her, what if-"

She grabbed my shoulder and gave a firm shake. "It's fine. You will probably just hold her, she is healthy, she is beautiful. I'm sure she is ready to meet you too."

I bit at my lip to keep myself quiet and nodded as a response instead. Temari worked at the pillows behind my back and once she was done, I was fully upright with support on my back.

My heart lurched to my throat when a small, barely audible knock on the door sounded. It beat wildly after a moment when there was nothing else which followed and Temari left the room to see what it was.

Had he backed out? Did he change his mind? He didn't change his mind, did he? "Temari?"

Soon, the door reopened and Temari returned alone. No, wait.

There was something in her arms. My heart thumped wild in my chest and my breath hitched. "Is that..."

A wide smile spread across her face. "Yes, it is."

I swallowed and looked back at the closed door. Gaara? He wasn't coming with her? "He isn't coming?"

The smile faltered. "I... Well he..."

"Oh." Alone. He was leaving me alone for this moment. Again. I took a deep breath and settled my eyes on the tiny bundle of blankets and red hair in Temari's arms.

Red hair. Butterflies erupted in my chest. The Uzumaki hair color lived on through her, thanks to him. I felt my lips twitch upward. "Hell with him." I held up my arms. "I want her. Please, let me see her, let me hold her. I..." I lost my words. I was too close to crying. She was here. _She was here._

Temari came close to the bed and sat down next to me. "Kisarei." Her voice choked on the name. "Meet your daughter. She's sleeping, so she might fuss at getting woke up." She shifted her in her arms and started to pull back the blankets which held her firm.

My breath hitched as her tiny little arms moved the moment they were free and she made a small protest at the loss of blanket. I studied her face. Her perfect little face. "She looks like him. She really fucking looks like him." I gave a half laugh and the smile which followed was wide. She had his red hair, the dark markings around her eyes like him. She had the same type of whiskers I had. I reached out and touched one. The butterflies exploded and spread throughout my whole body. My daughter. My sweet little daughter. My vision blurred. "Let me hold her. I need to see, I need to see she is ok, please, I..."

Temari nodded and shifted her and I was able to wrap my arms around the bundle of baby in her arms. I lifted and she moved. She is alive. She is warm. She is so damn tiny. I brought her to my chest unable to remove my eyes off of her. "Hey there, little one. See, we made it, didn't we?" I promised her. I needed to see more. I needed, I needed to... I removed more of the blanket. I picked up her hands and counted her fingers, then I counted all of her toes, I removed the cloths covering her to check to see if there was anything else amiss and... "She is perfect." I felt my body begin to tremble. Tears continued to form in my eyes.

We made it. Both of us made it. This tiny person, I made her somehow. I shouldn't have been able to, but I had. In an instant every ache, every pain, every sacrifice was worth it just to hold her in my arms. "Love you to the moon and back, a million times, I love you."

Worth it. How had I doubted it? I held her and I cried. Then, she started to make a sound. The sound turned into a small cry of her own. "Shh, I'm sorry. Mama's sorry." I brushed at her hair, the word referring to myself as a mother no longer weird to me. I was this creatures mother. I carried her, I made her within my own body, I nearly gave my own life so she would live.

Her cries didn't stop, instead they became more insistent. Her eyes opened. I froze. Her eyes were an icy blue green, brighter than either mine or Gaara's. Pupil less. Almost eerie. We locked eyes for a moment, then the worst sound erupted from her mouth. A cry, worse than before. I held her close. "Shh, it's ok. I'm your mom, I won't let anything happen, ok?" The crying began to get worse.

"What the hell?" Temari's voice was rushed, panicked.

I looked up to her and the sight before me made my heart stop.

Sand. Sand was just floating in the air, hovering around us. I tightened my grip on my baby. "Is it Gaara?"

"Who else would be able to do this, you idiot?" She locked eyes with me. "Get her to stop crying."

I nodded. Maybe that jackass should have just come in instead of freaking out over her crying. "Shh." I brought her up to my shoulder and patted her back. Something which used to work with Boruto when he was little.

It didn't work. Her cries became desperate. More sand rose into the air. I swallowed and held her close to me. He wouldn't hurt her, would he? I cupped my hand around the back of her head. Come on Gaara, control yourself. She is with me, I wouldn't hurt her. Even you would know that.

More cries, more sand. It began to agitate. My breath hitched. I pulled my blanket up. He wouldn't. The blanket made her freak out entirely, she screamed in my arms. The screams triggered the sand to move.

It was everywhere, all at once and I ducked my head and buried my baby into my body as much as I could. Protect her. Keep her safe. Please, I need to keep her safe. Sand stung at my skin as it rushed past me, I held the blanket to my mouth so I could breathe. The sand built in speed and I felt the sting as it scraped at the skin which I still had exposed. The sound of it in the air sounded as a roar and I couldn't stand it.

What was happening?

Why was this happening? Couldn't I have this one moment? Couldn't anything be easy?

 _Don't let me lose her_.

Not this way.

I could feel it embed into my skin.

She continued to scream in my arms.

Temari's muffled voice screaming Gaara's name barely made it to my ears.

_Gaara please, make it stop._


	37. Fears Come True

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the last chapter, and now this one, only one day later! :D
> 
> This one will answer what happened at the end of the last chapter, and after this everything moves forward again.
> 
> As always, reviews/comments serve to inspire <3

 

**Gaara**

I couldn't remember what exactly Temari said to me. I remember Shinki, then him running off, then... I couldn't remember. I took a deep breath and patted Kimi's back. She was making the cutest little sounds after I got her back from Temari. How long had I been out of it? How long before I had to face my wife?

I was sure Temari said something of a time frame but... I just could not remember what she said. Everything from the night was a blur to me. There was the clone of Naruto. Oh, but there was Naruto. I felt my heart twist in my chest. I had to see her. I couldn't see her. She needed to meet Kimi. My head felt so clear, yet I was still beyond confused. Confused about what to do, what to say. How could I fix what I had done?

I could almost feel the heat of the thing on my body. Had it given it's memories to it's creator? Probably, knowing Naruto. I gave a sigh and Kimi started to fuss as though to sense the change in my mood. I gave light bounce to my step then sat down on the chair behind my desk. I disliked the fact Naruto had seen such an episode from myself. Was it not bad enough she had witnessed me asleep, witnessed my weakness, my fine trigger anger. My stomach turned. How would she react if she was present for one of my panic attacks? So far I had managed to get away from her before they hit fully. I closed my eyes. It's bound to happen sooner or later. If we moved past this incident, past my stupidity. After everything Naruto put herself through, I couldn't just throw it away because I wasn't ready to let go of who she used to be.

If it's so hard for me to accept, I could only imagine how she felt about it. I just had to get past these annoying emotions. Around her, they were harder for me to control. She always brought on anxiety in various forms in me. Fear, nervousness, anticipation. Fear and worry were always the most prevalent when we were younger. Mainly because she was a nitwit. Always getting herself into situations which could easily get her killed, like the time she was nearly blown up by the alliance to save the woman who would become her wife.

I growled at the memory of her past life. I had to figure out a way to separate it and still feel I was with my Naruto. Mine. Somehow I managed to get her in my grasp. I would not let her go, no matter how angry she was with me. She was my wife now. I had the entirety of Suna to help me keep her here, whether she wanted to stay now or not.

Kimi fussed louder. I held her away from me just enough to look down at her so our eyes could meet. "Shh, it's alright little one." I cradled her in the sand and moved my hands to hers which she grasped onto with tiny little fingers. I felt my lips twitch upward. She wiggled and with a high pitched squeal she smiled at me. The familiar tingle in my stomach erupted. She had been doing this more lately. Her feet kicked out and the sweetest sounding giggle erupted from her. My breath caught in my throat. Did she just?

Without thought my fingers moved on their own and tickled her stomach and she erupted in the cutest little squeal followed by more giggles. Was the first time she laughed? Her first laugh...

My hands stilled. Naruto. How much had she grown since she was born? How much had she missed of her own daughter's development? "Want to meet your mother?" I tickled again and it caused another round of squeals. "A yes then?" More tickling, more squeals.

The sound of a clearing throat interrupted my moment with Kimi. I looked up and seen Baki standing at the door, frowning. "Must you insist on bringing the child here? Though, it is nice to see you smile for a change."

Smile? I brought my fingers to my lips and realized he was telling the truth. This child was going to ruin me. I tickled her again for revenge, which only served to keep the smile on my face. "Yes, she is mine." I looked back up to him and tilted my head. Why did everyone dislike me bringing her with me to my office? I was still getting my work done, no matter the amount of distractions I buried myself in. It was a benefit of not having the ability to sleep.

He crossed his arms. "You own your house, you don't bring that with you every time you come here."

I arched a brow at him. What an inadequate comparison. "I do not see your point, Baki. The house is not living nor does it require attention and feeding." I frowned. There wasn't a comparison with them.

Was there?

He sighed. "I don't know why I even try. Sometimes I just forget you are who you are, Lord Gaara."

I brought Kimi back to my chest and secured her. He was making no sense. "You forget who I am?" I felt the space between my brows tighten and I allowed my confusion to show.

"Listen just... Forget what I was saying. I am here for other reasons." He stepped fully into my office and closed the door behind him. He took a deep breath and came closer to the desk. A muscle in his jaw jumped and he looked off to the side.

I frowned. Whatever the news was, he was not wanting to give it. I glanced down at Kimi and brushed my fingers through her hair. "Just a second, this may be important." She made a noise and I moved her from me and into a small sand bassinet I made at the edge of my desk. In sight, but not on my person. I folded my hands on my desk and returned my attention to the man in front of me. I schooled my expression to its normal blank. When he did not proceed naturally I tilted my head at him. "Have you something to say, or are you going to waste my time?"

"You have been unreachable for a few days."

I narrowed my eyes. I was not about to tell him what I had been up to. Which, for this instance, was literally nothing at all beyond dealing with my own head. I took a breath. "Has something happened?" Kimi made a noise. I propped my arm up by the elbow and started a soft wave of my finger to rock the bassinet, which quieted her. I returned my attention to him, and noticed he was watching her as well. I cleared my throat.

His eyes widened and he returned his attention to me. "There has been a communication from Konoha."

I stilled at the news. I felt my stomach lurch. "Temari?" I had a feeling they would contact me soon.

He gave a small nod. "They are requesting her return, as soon as possible. There is a mission for her which they need her ability with wind."

I lowered my hand and leaned forward on the desk. "Is there information on this mission?"

He straightened and gave another small nod.

When he didn't continue I raised up from the desk, still leaning on it. "Then what is this information?"

He gave a quick look behind him at the door. Fear. Why? I clenched my jaw. What could be so terrible he didn't want to tell me. "Baki." I kept his voice low, I felt the rumble in my own throat as I spoke it.

He took a breath. "There may be a lead on the group who killed the Hokage."

I felt numb. A lead? Killed... The news of the event replayed in my mind. I swallowed, hard. "Why have I not been told sooner of this?"

"Lord Kankuro has intercepted all messages. It was not known if any had made it to you or not."

"They have not." I forced myself back into the chair. I moved my hands below the desk and clenched my fists. Don't react. Keep focused. You are the Kazekage, Gaara. This cannot be personal. I took a breath. Calm down. I returned my hands to the top of the desk and folded my hands together. "This could be part of the same group who attacked Suna. I would like you to send a message to the Hokage asking if they would like to have a team sent along with Temari for the mission. In the meantime I would like a list of the current ninja who are available."

He gave a small bow. "Yes Lord Gaara." He turned to take leave.

"Baki."

He paused and looked over his shoulder. "Yes?"

"Do you know the location they will be heading?"

He looked back towards the door then faced me. "I do not."

I sighed. "Very well. Include a request for the information."

"It may not do any good, Lord Gaara."

I remained silent, hoping they would still send it. "I know." He gave me another small bow and left the room without another word. I took a deep breath. A lead. Was it possible the attacks were carried out by the same opponent? Where had they come from and what was their objective?

Why Naruto? I frowned and returned my attention to my daughter. They almost took her from me. Took her mother from me. I felt sick. I could have lost them. I almost did. I pulled her back to me and held her in my arms. "It's time, isn't it?" I brushed my hand over her face, her arm. Precious. I needed to let go. I had to move forward.

What if they came back? What if they tried to kill Naruto again? I pulled her the rest of the way up and cradled her to my chest. "I won't let anything happen to you. I won't let anything happen to your mother." My vision blurred and I blinked away the tears. These people nearly took away the things which were most precious to me.

I couldn't wait to see what they were made of on the inside.

.*. .*. .*.

I stared at the blank page in front of me. It was the one I added into the binder I had created for my wife. The list of possibilities of anything concerning her. I let out a shaky breath. Since the run in with her clone a few days ago my mind hadn't slipped back into thinking of her as a man. Yes, it was going to be hard. Yes, I wasn't sure I was ready to let go of the constant Naruto had become as my friend and fellow leader. Yes, I wasn't sure I was fully ready to change the constant of Naruto into everyday life, as a partner. As a member of my family.

As the mother of my child, and possibly children. If it were possible for her to get pregnant again. If she ever let me near her after... This. Whatever this had been. I sighed and looked over to Kimi. Her bright eyes trained on me, following my every move. I tilted my head at her. "What do you think might happen tonight?" After I returned home from the office yesterday I asked Temari what time I was supposed to meet with my wife. She swore she never gave me a real time frame. I think she lied to me, but was not in the mood to smite her at the moment. I was never going to let on I had forgiven her for the name changing indiscretion as the shorter name had grown on me and seemed to suit Kimi just fine.

She didn't budge her gaze, her little legs moved and her hands opened and closed. She made a noise and I put my pen down.

"Are you ready? I think you will like her." More coos and noises. I took a deep breath. "We should prepare for this, don't you think, Kimi?" I moved my hand to her belly and tickled her, making the squealing laugh erupt from her. I felt a smile play at my lips, and I let it. This child, this beautiful, perfect child gave me something more to hold onto than anything which came before her. A thought occurred to me.

Deep breath. Naruto left her children behind for me, for this child. Pen went to paper here. _Possibility: #1 - Naruto regrets the decision to keep the baby_. I looked to Kimi and frowned. What if Naruto rejected her at some point? That... That wouldn't happen.

Could it? I bit at my bottom lip and started to write in the possibilities I could see happening as bullet points. They set beneath the first possibility which would be stemmed out from this as the actions which could be taken if this were the case. Everything from her sobbing over the child to never speaking to me or the child again while stuck in Suna for the rest of her life made the list. I didn't like this possibility, but it was there. It had to be written. Looking at Kimi, being with her even for the short amount of time I had with her, I couldn't imagine leaving her behind no matter my personal preference. Yet, Naruto had done just this with two such creatures of her own. I wasn't sure the action was intentional. I wasn't sure if she would be alright with it.

Her children were everything to her. Her children... I moved my book of possibilities out of the way to write a letter. The letter to Hinata was brief, but necessary. Uncomfortable. It would be a reminder for what was before if the woman accepted. I read over it, then satisfied the wording was properly readable I folded it, sealed it and wrote the destination with the name on it. _Hinata_. I preferred to avoid her, but this was for Naruto.

I was about to call in one of my assistants, but decided against it and placed it in the outgoing mail box on the corner of my desk. The request was necessary but not urgent. I had other things to do before trying to deal with what her reply might be. If she were to deny even this small request...

Naruto would never know. I had to fix what I had done. I had to figure out how to make her understand or at least make her accept my aversion to her. How was I going to pull this off? How could I spend time with her and not react, not touch, not kiss her? I brought my hand to my lips as the memory of our kiss passed through my mind and--

My stomach turned. The memory of her screams of pain, the tears, her laying dead on the bed after giving birth to Kimi rushed my mind. I closed my eyes. Maybe it would be easier than I thought.

Kimi started to cry and I rocked the sand I cradled her in. "Shh, it's alright little one. Your Mother wants to meet you and your Father is nervous. Forgive me?" I rested my head on my hand and worked at clearing my mind, ignoring the wave of butterflies the word father sent through my stomach. Three months later and the idea of having a child of my own still felt so strange. Beautiful. I found I was talking to her more and more. I brought her to my chest and held her in hopes of calming her. It was as though she could sense my moods. I would have to be more careful around her.

When she settled, I resumed creating my list. I poured through every possible situation, every reaction which might happen. I settled on the fact if I were present, there was a greater possibility she would have a worse reaction. I decided with this to stand back. Let Temari take her in, and wait until everything was calm and settled to go in. I swallowed down some errant acid which crept up into my throat. Yes. This was what needed to happen. Today.

Today my wife would meet our child, today I would end my aversion to her. Today the process of the engagement would ensue. Temari would be the attendant until she left to Konoha. I took a deep breath, wondering who the council would send to supervise our meetings. Where would I keep this person anyway? Two months of having a person I didn't know underfoot was not my favorite idea, but having her here was something which must be done. For the marriage. If Naruto didn't object after everything.

It was a possibility. I even had it written down as one.

.*. .*. .*.

I never before realized the wood to my door had a faint wood grain pattern still visible. I stood back from it. Very close. Not close enough. Too close. I warred with what I wanted to do. It had been nearly two minutes since Temari entered the room with my little Kimi. I wanted to go in. I didn't want to go in. I felt grateful she allowed me to recover before this event happened. I wished I had done this sooner, yet I still felt everything was too soon.

I wanted to be there for this.

I couldn't be there for this. How could I be? I was certain she was mad at me, for everything. How could I intrude on this moment? I couldn't. I shouldn't. She wouldn't be able to enjoy the moment she met our Kimi. There was a possibility she could. There was more of a possibility she wouldn't. I had my list of possibilities to prove it. I rarely had something happen which was not listed, and anything which went wrong always seemed to center around my wife. Unpredictable. It was one of the things which intrigued me about her so long ago.

Three minutes. How long should I stand out here? When was too soon? When was too long? I had no idea. What did her face look like when she first laid eyes on her, our Kimi? Did she smile? Was she disappointed? Did she regret her, me, us, everything? I hated the unknown. I wanted to know. I was missing this. Her. Them. I should go in.

What if I came in too soon? I growled at myself. I hated this. Tomorrow, I would have her watch the naming ceremony. It would be a good way to find out the name of our daughter, wouldn't it?

A small, soft cry coming from Kimi interrupted my thoughts. Was something wrong? My shoulders tensed. It was ok, the crying had to be because Naruto was new to her, though she was her mother. I took a deep breath. Let them meet. Wait until Kimi calmed, then go in. It would be for the best.

Kimi's cries got louder, more desperate. I felt my heart lurch and it took everything I had in me not to just go in and take her back. _Mine_. They were making my little one cry. I knew the thought was nonsensical, she was also Naruto's, but... I could feel the sand agitate, but it felt... Foreign, somehow. The feeling was an odd sensation but I pushed the feeling aside. Probably because I was so possessive of her. Worry. I couldn't help it.

Kimi made a noise I had never heard before, followed by a scream and a dull roar. I felt my blood run cold at the sound. Something was wrong.

"GAARA!" Temari, panicked almost inaudible above the rising sound of the roar within the room.

What was I doing just standing here? I raised my hand and I pushed open the doors, my heart in my throat. I froze for a second at what I saw before me. It... This... I pushed aside my shock at what was before me and raised my hands, fingers outstretched. There was sand flying through the air, whipping around Naruto and Temari in an aggressive yet untamed manner. There was so much of it, I could barely see their figures. I glued my eyes on the one slumped over on the bed. _Naruto._ I wasn't doing this. I pushed my chakra out to tame the sand flying through the room, but it pulled, harder than it should have. My heart leapt to my throat. I felt ill. The sand I felt earlier, it wasn't mine. I wasn't the one agitating it. Then who...

Kimi went into a full wail and I grabbed the sand to keep it from whipping around the room, pulling even harder at me at the rise in the cry from my little one. My heart raced. It couldn't be. I focused harder on stopping the sand from suffocating my sister and wife and it began to slow. I pushed harder. _Come on._ Bit by bit it slowed and I felt my arms shake with the effort to keep it still. I fought to catch my breath and assessed the situation. Naruto was clinging onto our daughter in an attempt to protect her from the sand, the backs of her hands raw from the onslaught. There was a blanket she was holding and under it a Kimi sized lump. I needed to get her to calm down. I swallowed.

_I'm sorry, Naruto._

I rushed forward while I felt I had a handle on the sand, though I could feel it pull on my control. I moved aside the blanket and snatched Kimi from Naruto and held her to my chest. "Shh, everything is fine. Little one, I am here." Her cries tore at my heart. I made a mistake. I should have come. Please calm down.

I tried to ignore the open mouthed shock Naruto had on her face, the look of anger coming from my sister. My stomach twisted. Kimi. She started to calm, and the sand fell from the air as though nothing held it up. Acid rose up into my throat. In one terrible instant, she had made my worst fear come true. The ability to move sand without thought. She was going to take after me in more than just looks. I could feel my shoulders start to shake and I moved a chair next to the window. _Monster._ The word echoed in my mind, the word I heard ever since I was a child replaying over and over inside my head.

"Gaara?" Naruto.

I ignored her and sat down, looking out the window. My throat closed. What could I say?

"What the hell just happened?" Good question.

"Why did you just freak out about your own wife holding onto your child?" Temari leaned over me and Kimi.

I shifted my eyes to her, not caring if my emotion showed to her. The sand had come from Kimi. It wasn't my sand. I could feel myself tremble. Panic. I can't panic. Not here. Not holding Kimi. Not in front of Naruto. I wanted to tell her. I wanted to say something, anything to get her to understand the gravity of what had just happened. Nothing would come out of me. I looked back to Kimi, then out the window, unable to find my voice. Pointless. Would she be doomed to a life like mine? Killing without thought? Would Suna accept her so readily with this ability? Would their experience with me mute the hatred, the fear of it? My sand ability backed by the full force of Kurama's chakra? At least the demon was more tame after being with Naruto so long. I hoped he stayed that way. I shivered. Had Kurama been mine...

"Will somebody tell me what in the hell is going on?" Naruto's voice hitched. A mix of what could have been anger and confusion. I think. Maybe. I couldn't look at her. Not right now. How could I, when I just realized I had doomed her daughter to a life like mine?

I shivered at the thought of what I might have been capable of with Kurama instead of Shukaku. I wanted to give Naruto answers. I didn't have any I was willing to say. In fact, I wasn't sure I could say anything.

"Maybe it would be best if we try this again later?" Temari placed a hand on my shoulder and I pushed it off by removing the sand under it and moving it away.

It wasn't fair. I wanted this to be the moment. The moment I reconnected with my wife and asked for forgiveness for what I had done. The moment I could start sharing Kimi with her. It was not supposed to be this way. I had not prepared for this possibility. Nowhere on my lists was anything about Kimi freaking out and nearly smothering my sister and wife with sand. I took a deep breath and shook my head no. I wanted more time. I needed it. Even if I couldn't say anything. Even if I was afraid of what just happened. Even if I could barely look at my wife without feeling a wave of stomach turning guilt. Guilt over leaving her alone for nearly the entire past month since she woke up. Guilty over naming our daughter without her even though it still got messed up. Guilty I was witness to Kimi opening her eyes, her first giggles, the first... I stared out of the window I was sitting next to, looking over much of Suna. There were many windows in my room so I could see bits of all of Suna while I worked in this room. This one faced the direction of where I grew up. Where I demolished my childhood home. Where I had planned on building a permanent less steep home for my new family.

I couldn't, not now. Not with Kimi having the same ability as myself. I wouldn't do that to them. Not again. If she lost control, if she inherited my lust for death, if she... I swivelled away from the window and looked upward toward the spiral. Don't panic. Breathe. Everything would be fine. Everything...

This was all wrong.

This was everything I hoped she wouldn't have to endure. Why was this happening to her? First the demon, now this?

A hand on my shoulder. I moved it away from me without thinking, the sand trapping it without thought. I blinked and looked down. Temari was looking at me, her eyes wide, wet. Was she crying? I looked to Naruto, who looked... Completely confused. Of course she would be. "Go." I barely choked the word out. I wanted to be alone with her. I wanted--

"I can't." Her voice sounded tight.

I snapped my eyes back to Temari in silent question.

"I am the attendant until Chuyo comes when I leave, remember?"

I froze. The name sounded familiar. I tilted my head at her, glad for the distraction.

A brief look of panic crossed her face and then she cleared her throat. "The girl you hired?" Her voice pitched at the end, giving away she was no longer sure about what she was saying.

Girl I hired? I stared at her a moment. Was this the girl from the diner? When was she supposed to come again? I looked to Naruto, who was spouting random words of agitation. Something around the lines of 'can't you people tell me what's going on, Gaara what the hell, Can't you just pay attention to me' but I tuned her out. I still couldn't find my voice, and if I tried to pay attention to her, I likely would either destroy something, have a panic attack or run away.

"You did hire her, didn't you?" The voice was quiet, next to my ear in a whisper. I swatted it away with a small wisp of sand.

Answer her. I needed to respond before she annoyed me further. "Yes." One word. It was enough. Attendant then. At least it made it seem as though I had a reason to hire her. I rubbed a small circle on Kimi's back. Naruto's voice rose higher, though I did not comprehend the words. Maybe staying was a bad idea. My presence only seemed to make my wife more agitated. I would need to calm down. I would need to gather my thoughts. I would need to contact the council to inform them my monster was inherited by my daughter.

"Gaara?" My name. I do not know which one of the women in the room spoke it.

I stood up. I wanted to end this on a good note. I wanted to tell her I was sorry. I wanted to tell her I hadn't meant for this to pass on to our daughter. I wanted to tell her... "Would you like some ice cream?" I choked out the question without meaning to. At least it's something.

"What in the hell is it with you and ice cream?" Her face contorted. Then she sighed. I kept silent, watching her war with her emotions, which splayed one by one on her face. Soon enough, her arms went behind her head and she flopped down to the pillows behind her. "Fine, just bring me something good, will ya?"

I gave a quick nod and left the room. Temari followed behind me, shut the door behind her and grabbed my shoulder again. I stiffened and turned to her.

"Gaara, I..." She trailed off. Her brows were drawn up in the middle. Concern? Probably.

I turned from her, not ready to deal with this just yet. I didn't want to explain what happened, I couldn't explain what happened. I didn't want to think about it, I didn't want to deal with it, I didn't want to accept it. I took in a shallow breath. No. I wasn't going to deal with this. Not right now. I needed to focus on something else. I headed towards the stairs so I could use the phone.

"Wait, what are you going to do?"

I paused, looked over my shoulder and sighed. "I am going to order my wife some ice cream."

It was always better to think about ice cream.

.*. .*. .*.

I had delivered the ice cream to Naruto personally, though I did not stay long. I still couldn't bring myself to speak, to explain, to apologize. Simply by existing, by fathering our daughter, by being who I was I had doomed her without intention. Why? Why couldn't anything be simple, mundane, easy for me? Fate allowed me my wife, against all odds, but this? Was this the price I had to pay for having her? Was this my punishment for my own personal existence?

I sat downstairs in my makeshift office as Temari paced, lecturing about whatever it was she was saying. I couldn't remember leaving Naruto. When had I left? Had I spoken to her? Temari's voice was piercing, annoying and unnecessary. I didn't have time to deal with this. I had too many things on my mind. Finally, she stopped her rant and slumped into one of the chairs across from my desk. "You aren't even listening to me, so I don't even know why I am trying."

No. I am not listening. I took a breath. Get out. Leave me alone, there are things I need to think through. "It's not fair, Temari." My voice was tight. My words betrayed me. I didn't know what else to say. I couldn't say anything. There was nothing to say.

"Everything is going to be alright, ok?"

I raised my brows in disbelief. "Can you be certain?" When I received no response to my question I lowered Kimi from my chest, who at some point after her fit had fallen asleep. It had been hours now, but with the amount of energy it must have taken to move so much sand, I understood. I brushed her tiny soft cheek with my thumb. "How old was I when the sand started to do that?"

"You weren't." Her voice sounded dark.

I looked up to her and frowned. "I do not understand."

She took a deep breath. "Gaara, you never did anything like that."

My heart leapt up to my throat. "What do you mean? I still don't understand?" The sand was like a third arm to me, and extra set of legs. The sand was me, in a way.

"The sand only moved to protect you, you were covered in the stuff since you were a few hours old. That much is different."

I was younger when I started to move the sand then. Still, her words made no sense. If it moved for me, then how was it not the same? I felt the crease between my brows form and I worked at blanking my expression. I hated when I got confused, and with everything going on the fact I confused easily was getting harder to hide, especially to my family.

"You still don't get it." She leaned back. "When you were around three it would move to grab things you wanted, like it was an extra arm or something. This, with Kimi, it was complete chaos. It was just there, everywhere, in an instant. I don't even know where she got it at. It was why I thought it was you. Looking back at it, I should have known it was odd. Yours is always more orchestrated." She looked away from me, something akin of a shadow passing her features.

I swallowed as I tried to follow what she meant. "Mine didn't always obey me." I remembered back when I was a kid, accidentally breaking the people I wanted to play with.

"You're wrong."

I tilted my head. "How so?"

She sighed. "Well, this is a weird conversation. Why the heck not." She scooted the chair forward then leaned on my desk with her elbows. "Even when you were a kid, before Dad decided to make you go nuts on us, it only did what you wanted it to. Some of it might have been unintentional. Reach out your arm and instead of grabbing something with your hand it was your sand. You never understood the difference between the grip of your hand versus the sand." She reached out her hand and it touched the back of my hand.

Hot. Burning. My skin crawled from the touch and I pulled it back as though I were burned.

Her eyes widened. "Skin?"

"For Kimi." I created her bassinet and set her down to coat my hands with sand. The ghost of her touch was lingering on the back of my hand.

"I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"I'm fine." I spat the words out, annoyed. Once the sand was in place I scratched at the back of my hand in an attempt to remove the ghost of sensation.

She shifted in her chair and looked at the door. Fear. Why was it always fear?

My stomach twisted. Maybe it was because I broke her not long ago. "Forgive me, Temari."

"Why? What for?" She looked confused at my statement.

"You fear me." I pointed at my arm to imply what I had done.

Her eyes widened. "I... Oh." She sighed. "Listen, I am fine. Your doc fixed me up." She held up her arm and smiled, flexing it. "She's good, you know."

I kept silent. I didn't want to discuss Kimiko. I didn't want to remember the fact she wouldn't always be my doctor, my family's. Change the subject. Don't think about what would be taken from me. "Do you think she will be stronger than me?" Another fear. The amount of energy it took to calm the sand in the room made me nervous.

This time, she was the one who was silent. There was no answer to the question. It's only a matter of time before we knew the extent of her power.

Which brought me to my other worry. "Do you think she will inherit other things from me?" I barely whispered the question. This was the question I feared most. I knew it would be hard for her to control as a child. Shinki had to focus in order to use his. Mine... Mine was just there. Always there. I could feel it around me. So would she.

"I don't think that sort of thing is inherited."

I met her eyes. She was stone faced, her lips thin. I took a deep breath. "I do not know how to protect her from this. I don't want her childhood like mine, Temari." I held Kimi up to my chin, close to me. I cradled her tiny head in my hand. "It isn't fair." I repeated my sentiment from earlier. It wasn't. Not even remotely. My eyes burned and I knew the sand around my eyes soaked up the tears.

"You will figure out a way, Gaara. As long as you don't do anything our Father did, she should fare a hell of a lot better. Besides, you have to remember she's also Naruto's, and if she has her resilience, she should be fine."

I stared at her a moment. I realized something, just in this moment. I stiffened. "Was Sakura ever alerted of Naruto's condition?"

"Why would it be important? I will be returning soon and I planned on telling her then."

I groaned. The letter. My stomach twisted. My other problem. Nobuo. "I wrote asking for her presence once she woke. For her, and another--" I bit my tongue. Secret. My biggest secret. Even the mark in the budget for his care was cryptic so as not to attract attention.

"Another what?"

I stared at her, carefully keeping my expression blank.

She groaned. "You're hiding something Gaara, I know you well enough. Personal or nation?"

I wasn't going to answer. I just looked away from her.

"Personal."

I slid my eyes back to her and narrowed them. Over the years she come to understand me to some extent and it annoyed me. Her ability to read me helped when I didn't feel like talking, though it gave me expectations of others sometimes which was unfair. My silent streaks may have been more often than not and it annoyed most of the people I worked with, I was sure. Though, they never have told me outright, so I could be wrong.

She held up her hands, fingers splayed. "Alright, alright. I won't pry." She stood up from the chair and started to pace, then slumped her shoulders. "So." She turned to me and crossed her arms. "I've got nothing. What should the next step be?"

I tilted my head. I wish she was more straightforward with her wording. "For?"

"Naruto."

I blinked, then held my baby out from me a little. "I have to get her used to her mother." It was a stupid, obvious statement.

Temari merely laughed.

I didn't see what was funny.


	38. Transitions

**Kisarei**

I was a little dumbfounded. He actually came back with ice cream. This time it was a bit more of a simple vanilla, but hey, he showed up with it. What was with the ice cream anyway? I dipped my spoon and shifted. His eyes never left me. He was silent, holding onto my daughter from across the room. My muscles twitched with the desire to get her back into my arms. What happened earlier? Was he messing with me, or was it really her who moved all that? She was only three months old, was it even possible?

I opened my mouth to ask, but nothing came out. Instead I lifted the spoon to my mouth and started eating it. I had so much to say. So much to ask. So much to talk about. I couldn't bring myself to say any of it. I didn't know how to talk without being weird about it. Didn't know how to say anything without ending it in some rant. Sometimes when I spoke I couldn't stop myself from talking too much. Gaara was here. Finally, here, in the same room as me. Temari was looking awkward in the corner, eyeing both of us, but she too stayed silent.

Why in the hell was she even here in the first place? Not like I needed a babysitter just to see the guy, did I? My eyes widened and I ate another bite of ice cream, a bit too fast this time because it led to me getting a little brain freeze. I didn't care. I smiled the pain away and muttered out a thanks to him. He didn't show any sort of reaction to make it seem as though he even heard me. He just continued to sit there, expressionless, rubbing tiny circles on the back of the red haired baby in his arms.

She had his hair. So freaking tiny. Was he that tiny when he was born? I didn't get a long enough look at her before when the sand rose up and nearly smothered me. I may have stared at her a little too long because his eyes shifted away. I wanted to know her name. What's her name? The question was on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn't bring myself to ask it.

I studied the father of my child. Another thought came to mind, one I didn't want to think. If Gaara had seen the report, he had seen my dead body, well, my clone's body. Had he gotten it before he was told of my condition? Images of him laying on the ground in front of me, the air blowing through his hair giving false movement to an otherwise stiff body floated through my memory. Stiff. Cold. Rigor Mortis had already set in when I had found him, taken him back. I could still feel the pain of seeing him dead had created. Even now, so many years later, when I was here in the same room as him, married to him, it haunted me. If he had seen the file... In the picture, it was obvious I was dead. There was a giant hole blown in my abdomen and it was pretty obvious there was no way to treat it.

I looked away. Then, just as he thinks I am safe... The report about the hospital. Why? He never had time to deal with it. Never had a chance to process everything. It was all too quick, and now here I was permanently in his home, with a new life and baby which from what I could tell was a mini version of the guy. Well. I always did kinda wonder what he would look like as a chick. I snickered, guess we'll find out. At least I could see she was alive. Healthy as far as I could tell. She had all of her toes. All of her tiny fingers. Her eyes...

I looked back over to him. His eyes were back on me, the always eerie quality they held due to the lack of a pupil boring a hole inside of me. My heart raced. Damn, but he had the most beautiful eyes... What the hell am I thinking? I returned to the ice-cream. Spoon after spoon of ice cold headache inducing ice-cream. It wasn't long before I hit the bottom of the bowl and I stared into it. Gone. Now what? I had been using it as a buffer, but without it, would I have to talk to him? I wasn't sure I was ready.

"Done?"

I jumped at the sound of his voice and nodded to the question. Sand wrapped around my hands and I shivered. From Gaara, the sand was almost like touch and the bowl rose from my hands and landed in his. He stood and headed to the door.

Wait. Was that it? He was just going to come, give me ice cream and just fucking leave? Sand moved to open the door and he was nearly gone when I found my voice. "Wait, Gaara!"

He stilled. He did hear me then. Deep breaths. "You coming back?"

His back straightened and I could see the muscles work, even through his shirt and sand. He looked over his shoulder, his usual indifference gone. The blank spot which would be eyebrows were drawn in together, a definitive frown on his lips. He swallowed, then finished his way out of the door.

I sighed and looked over to Temari. "You think that was a yes?"

"Obviously." She came over and sat on the bed. "Question would be when. The guy's been pretty unpredictable lately." She took a breath. "You read the report?"

I looked away. Images of my own body flashed through my mind. "Yeah."

"The attack on the hospital was pretty brutal. More than what is in that report, you know."

I looked to her. "What isn't in the report?"

"Kimiko."

Kimiko? Sounded kinda familiar. Oh, wait! "Isn't she that weird doctor of his?"

She snorted. "Weird is the word for it. You know she is keeping the clone of yours that looks like Gaara like a pet? He follows her around like a puppy."

I stared at her. "What?" Gaaruto? She had to be kidding.

"Yeah, weirdest thing." She flashed me a smile and pointed at her arm. "Gaara kinda broke my arm the other day and she came by to fix me up. The thing was with her, hovering like a bull dog. Seems pretty protective of her. Gonna be a shame when she dies." Her hand flew up to her mouth and her eyes widened. "Hey, just forget I said that, ok?"

Dies? "What, she sick or something?" I frowned. Why was she hiding it? It's not like I knew the lady or anything.

"I said forget it. It's nothing."

I shrugged. "Alright." The fact she was hiding the fact she said something made it something I should probably worry about. Maybe once I was better I could hunt down my bastard clone and ask him why in the hell he was following her around. "So, what she got to do with the whole hospital thing, anyway?"

She shoved away. "I shouldn't have even brought it up. Forget everything. It's nothing to worry about, ok, Rei?" She flashed me a smile.

"But, what about-"

She retreated further. "I should go check on him. See you in a while, ok?" Her smile widened. Fake. She left and closed the door behind her.

"You can't just say something like that and not finish, come on." I spoke it to the door. I flopped backward. Well, today was interesting.

What the hell?

.*..*..*.

It wasn't until the next day I had any kind of visitors. Unfortunately for me, it was just Shinki. He had come in the room, sat across the room and stared at me with the same blank expression his father always wore. Oddly, it made me crave the idiot's presence. I wanted to ignore him, but damn I was bored though. "Hey, Shinki." I wanted to talk. I had to talk. He ignored me. I smirked. Well... I could. I shouldn't. I'm going to. "I met your girlfriend."

My smile widened when his expression changed. First, his eyes widened, then he frowned. A familiar looking crease formed between his brows. "Who?"

Bingo. "Said her name was Yumi. Kinda cute, yeah?" I giggled and I had an immediate mouthful of sand.

"We are not dating." His voice was steady, low and calm.

I narrowed my eyes at him and pointed at my mouth which was covered in his sand. The stuff moved away and I spit out a few stray grains left behind. "Uck, that's nasty."

"She came here?"

I wiped my mouth. "How else would I know her name?" He looked away from me and I smirked at him. Hell with it, I was going to press my luck. Not like I had a whole lot better to do than annoy the shit out of the kid. "Not dating, but interested, aren't you?"

"Can't you ever just mind your own business?"

I groaned. "What exactly is my own business anyway? I'm so damn bored I sometimes wish I wouldn't have woke up." The smile fell. There was more truth to the statement than I cared admit to. I tried to smile, tell him I was joking. This time, the smile failed me.

"You're just messing with me, aren't you?" His voice was softer than usual and he turned to me. Gone was the expressionless face I was so used to. He was looking his age, worry etched on his face. Damn. Sometimes, it was easy to forget he was still so young.

I took a deep breath. Shinki was still just a kid, he had to deal with all this too. He held himself like his father and his mimicked stoic nature made me forget he was only what, fifteen? It was the same age as Gaara had been when he rose to power, but he also had an entire lifetime of failures and success by the time he hit the age. Not to mention, was already one of the most powerful, well thought out people I have ever known, even at such an age.

"Aren't you?"

I didn't want to answer him. The truth wasn't a good answer. I was pretty surprised I had gotten Shinki to come around a bit to be honest and I didn't want to lose the small amount of ground I had gained since coming here. I still didn't want to lie to him either though. So I decided on something in between. I sighed. "Not really, but I think it's more the isolation. I can't get anybody to talk to me, and your dad, well..." My voice hitched at the word.

He hummed to that. "I don't think he would be ok if you didn't get better." The words felt heavy, though he spoke soft. He turned from me. His shoulders heaved with a deep breath. "Even if I did want to pursue her, the council wouldn't approve." He changed the subject, and I let him. I didn't want to contemplate how Gaara would be with a loss. A real one, one which lasted. He still mourned the girl Fuu and from what I had been told he barely even knew her. His uncle was a different sort of case, and everyone knew what happened with that.

"Who gives a shit about the council, isn't it your dad you need to worry about?"

"My Father doesn't understand anything about matters of the heart, even when it concerns him personally." He paused and sat down at the edge of my bed. "You..." He frowned and tilted his head. "You are not my mother." His eyes searched my face. "Or my uncle. I do not know how to address you."

"Oh." Another subject change. Kid probably had a lot on his mind though. "I hadn't thought about it. Weird, since all I have is time lately." I gave a half laugh and cleared my throat when his expression shifted to more of a glare. "Lady Kisarei seems a bit too formal so, um..." I trailed off. I wasn't lying, I never thought about it. I still felt bad I never included Shinki in my original plans, never thought about how he might react. Not that I made much plans myself beyond live, breathe, keep the baby alive, hide it from Gaara, figure out how to let him know without obligating him to either me or the baby. I never got to the point of being ready. It was forced on me with the death of my clone. Forced on him. Acid rose in my throat.

He smiled, only a little, but it was still a smile. "You don't have any idea either. We will figure it out." He sighed. "Why would you do it anyway?"

I scratched my head. "Do what?"

He tilted his head, his expression fading away into the blank I was becoming far too accustomed to. "This. Everything. Pursuing my Father." He leaned closer. "Risk everything, then lose everything. He would never have wanted you to go through this, not for him."

I swallowed. This wasn't a conversation I was ready for. Definitely not ready for this conversation with his son. I wasn't sure how to answer him either. "If he knew about it, he probably would have agreed on the abortion, forced me to stay away." I took a deep breath. "I know him well enough to know he would go out of his way to protect me, if he had to." I was halfway sure the reason he banded the nations together when we were kids was to do exactly that. Maybe. He was a good Kazekage, so I could just be over thinking it a bit.

"Then why? Why would you do it?" His voice was quiet and I got the feeling the conversation wasn't about me.

"What are you really asking me?"

He clenched his fist and looked away from me. "I should be headed back." He stood up and headed toward the door. He paused there and looked back to me. "You didn't answer."

I smiled at him. Not my wide, over used fake smile I plastered on for everyone to see most of the time, but a smaller, more genuine smile. I knew the answer to this, even if I didn't like it much myself. "That's easy. Why did I put myself through everything? It's because the thought of never seeing your father again hurt worse than losing everything I had."

He gave a short nod and backed out of the door. The door clicked shut behind him and I frowned after him.

What was the kid planning on anyway?

.*..*..*.

Gaara came back, our daughter still plastered to his chest. With ice cream. Again. "I'm being serious this time Gaara, what in the hell is with the ice cream?" I poked at it with a spoon. I was starting to get sick of this stuff. I would rather have what he was holding. I wanted her. She was so damn close, but he still kept her away from me.

I clenched my jaw when, as I expected, he didn't respond. "Why aren't you talking to me? Why can't we just fucking talk?"

He shifted in his chair and looked away. Bastard was ignoring me.

"Naruto..." Temari kept her voice low as a warning.

"Oh come on." I sent her a glare. "Stop using the name, will ya? What if somebody heard you?"

She growled. "Can't you ever shut your mouth? You never know when to shut up, you never-"

I felt something inside me snap. "Why should I?" I started to yell. "Why can't I just enjoy my damn life? You think it's easy for me?" The words spilled out of me and I couldn't stop them. I didn't want to. "You just gotta let go of an idea, I am the one having to deal with the actual change here. Yeah, I am stuck here, yeah, I'm a fucking woman, yeah, I am so damn weak I can barely stand and-"

The room became silent when a vase exploded near the bed. I fought to catch my breath and locked eyes with the man I was sure was responsible. They narrowed and his lips thinned. "Tomorrow." His voice was so low I almost didn't hear him, then he stood and left the room.

I stared at the door, my heart threatening to beat out of my chest. Damn it. I wanted to cry. Why had I said it? The regret was instant, I wanted to take it back, I wanted to...

Temari sighed.

I looked down to the ice cream. "Sorry." I muttered it into the bowl. I scooped it out and shoved it into my mouth, not even caring what flavor it was, but it was better than thinking about what just happened.

I didn't even want ice cream.

.*. .*. .*.

"I am supposed to leave today." Temari settled on the bed next to me and leaned on her elbow. "Promise me you'll be patient with him."

I sighed. "I know I know." I turned to face her. "I'm just terrible being patient, ya know? I get he needs time, but damn, I just want to... I just want..." I shifted and faced upward, catching the sight of my spiral. "Hell, I don't even know."

"You just want to get on with everything."

I groaned. Yes. "Exactly." I shifted to my side so I could look at her better. "Are you going to be here when he comes later? You've kinda been babysitting our visits since he started coming to see me." I frowned. "If you call it that."

"Gaara's been at the Kazekage tower ever since yesterday. No words on what's happening, honestly."

I hummed. "Hey Temari, what exactly do normal, non ninja type women wear in this place?"

"Why do you want to know?" She frowned at me, the question obvious in her face.

"Well, I'm married to Gaara, if he ever lets me out of here, don't I have to keep some kind of image or something? I don't want to make it harder on him by being obviously foreign or something."

"It doesn't matter."

I raised my brows. "Why not?"

Her lip twitched upward and her eyes glistened with some kind of private amusement. "You're the wife of the most traditionally laced Kazekage since this became a ninja village."

I stared at her. "I'm not seeing your point."

She snickered. "It means, if the council decides your marriage to my brother is entirely legitimate, they are going to want you to act the part. You wear the finest of traditional clothing, traditional makeups. You, my dear, will be the most prized possession of Suna once they know about you."

My stomach twisted. Me? "Why?"

She laughed. "In tradition, the Kazekage rules the land and sets the rules, the wife takes care of her people and is thier example and icon. I should get you some of the old Suna folklore stories." Her words ran fuzzy through her laughter at the end. "Aw, I just don't imagine you being proper enough to fit the bill for them. You're just as crass as Kankuro." This spurred on a new onslaught of laughter. Her laughs got to be so much tears formed in her eyes and she wiped them away.

"Jerk." I snickered. She had a point. I couldn't see me being some proper woman of Suna either. Then I outright laughed. "Gods, I just realized." The thought occurred to me, and I didn't even know why it struck me as funny. I should be horrified by it. Yet...

She hummed.

"I am laying in bed with my sister in law, talking about clothes, traditions and men." The words barely made it out of my mouth, I couldn't stop laughing.

"You are still an idiot."

Probably.

.*. .*. .*.

An hour after Temari left my nerves kicked in. _Tomorrow_. It was the only thing he had said to me yesterday. It was such an open statement, it could have meant anything. I'll be back tomorrow. Tomorrow is when Temari leaves. Tomorrow there will be more ice cream. Tomorrow I will have you locked in some remote tower in the desert where I know you'll be alive but never have to deal with you again unless I feel like it, which felt more like something Gaara would do. I stretched my arms up into the air. "Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow." How fucking open ended.

Yet, I could feel like the single word held some sort of weight to it. An importance.

Gaara never spoke lightly, every word had some meaning and if he spoke it, then there was something important with the word. Tomorrow.

Today.

I swallowed as I recalled what had happened. It was so quick I had forgotten my words in the aftermath and now it just left a heavy lump in my stomach. I didn't want to burden him with what I was dealing with. It didn't have anything to do with him. Well, it did, but I brought all this on myself. I was the one who made the wish. I was the one who let it happen. I was the one who wanted it to last, I was the one who chose to risk my life by having his child, I was the one who ruined everything. I buried my face in my hands. What had I done? What if he asked about it? What if he tried to figure out a way to get us out of this? What if he didn't show at all?

No. It wasn't like him to lie. He was honest to a fault, even if it freaked out the people around him. I shuddered. There was once I wished I hadn't been present during a moment of his. When we were working together on assignment before he became Kazekage. He had captured someone who had attacked us in the middle of the night. The man asked what he was going to do. I remember it so clear because it was the moment I knew Gaara still had a bit of his creepy left in him, knew it probably would always be there. Sometimes I found it easy to forget because he tries so hard to put himself past it, but...

_I will do nothing, but if you try to escape, or try to harm the people I am with, I will pierce your skin with sand and crush your heart and enjoy the look on your face as you die knowing you could have avoided it._

A single sentence, spoken decades ago yet I remembered it word for word. The words themselves didn't make it so creepy, it was the calm way he had spoken them. The way his face held no emotion as he spoke them. It was a side of him I hated, one I wanted him not to have. I yelled at him and he merely tilted his head at me and told me he was asked a question and why did it matter hiding the truth when in fact it was what he would do. More annoyingly, the idiot chose the second option and ended up dying in the exact manner Gaara told him he would with a 'You brought this upon yourself. I cannot feel badly for a death which could have been avoided.'

The way he said it echoed in my head. I couldn't watch when it happened. Him, or the man he killed. It wasn't the side of Gaara I wanted to see. It was days before I spoke to him again. It wasn't the Gaara I wanted to remember. Yet, it was Gaara. It still is Gaara, and will always be him. The madness that always followed him around, even now, I wish I could save him from it. Help him find a peace I know he had never fully found.

I think it was impossible.

Impossible to save him from a madness he still embraced. To remove it from him would destroy part of who he was, but still.

What was he planning for today anyway? I hoped it wasn't more ice cream, the stuff was starting to annoy me. Where was he getting it anyway? I don't ever remember seeing ice cream in this place. Was he importing it for me? Maybe it was why he was obsessing with it so much.

I looked out the window. The sun was starting to set. It had to be soon. When Gaara came back to me, again. I wondered if tonight would be different from the past few days or if he would come with Temari and stare at me while holding my baby, taunting me with her from across the room. I sighed and leaned back into the pillows. I want to walk. I need to move. I need to do something other than sit here and think all the damn time. How much longer before my strength would return? How much of it would return? Without Kurama and my normal abilities to heal muted, I had no idea. I had not lied before in the thought I'd be lucky just to live like a normal person again.

I looked up to the spiral on the ceiling. I want my ability to make clones again. Just a few of them would do, not my normal arsenal of them, but just a few. It felt weird not to have myself around to talk to, though I had managed a few since waking back up.

How long would it take him to come? Did it matter? I wanted to stop thinking. Such a thing was an impossible task. Gaara was on his way.

Probably.

Maybe.

I hoped he was. I wanted to explain myself, I wanted to apologize, I wanted to see how he was doing, I wanted to ask what her name is. I turned to my side and watched the door. He would come through this door, baby attached to his shoulder. He would either be pissed at me or uncaring. Temari would probably be with him, or some nurse and he would sit in the chair near the window and stare at me for hours without a word. The lack of emotion on his face, etched inside my mind. Uncaring.

It was the uncaring Gaara which scared me. Because there was no such thing as an uncaring Gaara, which would mean he was hiding his emotions and it was hell to try and decipher what they were sometimes. Especially now. Everything was different. Everything was...

I groaned as the room darkened further. I couldn't even reach any kind of light. Why hadn't Temari turned the light on before she left so I wouldn't be stuck in the dark with just my thoughts?

I didn't want to think. How much daylight was left?

Gaara wasn't coming, was he? While the man usually didn't lie, he wasn't always good with time. I sighed and reached for the side table to the bed. There was a book there I had been nursing for a couple weeks. I hated to read, but, it was something to do when there was absolutely nothing else for me to do but think. Reading was better than thinking, so why not?

I flipped it open to the place I had marked and started to read. This one was a romance of sorts, a woman who became lost in the desert and fell in love with a well digger in the caravan who found her. I don't even know why I was reading it. It was bad. Almost as bad as the stuff Pervy Sage used to write.

I still think I could do better.

I laid back and propped it up on my chest. Who wrote this thing anyway? A woman probably. Like a man would actually do this kind of crap. Hideous. I found it more comedy than romance, the way the words flowed made it hard to read and who in the heck would...

The room got darker and I had to squint in order to continue reading. At least they put in a few action scenes. I was at a part about thieves raiding the caravan when my mind fuzzed out. So tired. It was getting harder to hold up the book in my hands.

What if Gaara came? I needed to stay awake for him. In case. Just in case. I flipped another page, but nothing registered. I swear I read the same paragraph a few times when I gave into it. He wasn't coming.

I was just so tired.

.*. .*. .*.

Light streaming in from the window hit my face and woke me from my sleep. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. I stared at the spiral above me. He didn't come. Now, I got to wait and see if he would show up today. Great. I moved to sit up.

"Shit." My heart leapt up to my throat and I fell out of the bed. I didn't fall far, and before I knew it was back on the bed, surrounded in a wave of sand. I swallowed and stared at the culprit. How did he end up sitting cross legged on my bed and I not even know it? "The hell?"

His expression was blank and he tilted his head. It took him a minute to respond. "You were sleeping."

"Yeah, I know." I shot him a glare and glanced around the room. Nothing was where it had been. Not even the bed I was in was in the same place. "Damn, I must have slept like a log to not wake up." Wait. I looked back to the man who was only about a foot away from me. "Where is the baby?"

His eyes shifted to the left and I followed the invisible line to the frilly bassinet which was a constant reminder to the fact I had a baby I didn't have access to. I sighed. At least she was here. I scanned the room. "Hey, you came by yourself."

"Temari left." His face shifted just long enough for his brows to crease and a frown to appear before it was schooled back to the usual. "So has Shinki." He looked away. Was he worried about something?

Why did I care about that? He was here, and being damn weird. At least he was talking. It's more than I got out of him since I woke up. I'll take it. "Something to do with the hospital?"

His eyes widened and he looked back to me, a shadow passing over his features. Maybe it was the wrong question. His face blanked and he looked away from me again.

Note to self, do not ask about the hospital yet. Just how bad was it anyway? I took a deep breath. "What is her name, Gaara?"

He didn't respond to me, his body unmoving. Statuesque.

I groaned. I studied him a moment. He was here, so close to me. He wore his usual black underclothes and... All I would have to do was reach out, and I could touch him. Make sure he was real. Before I could stop myself my hand was on his thigh and he stiffened. A muscle in his jaw jumped. I shouldn't have touched him. Too late. I had to go with it. "Come on, you gotta give me something to go on."

His eyes closed and he took a deep breath. Then, there was a hand on mine. Warm, soft. It lifted my hand from his thigh then fingers entwined with my own. My breath hitched in my throat. His eyes opened and focused on our tangled fingers. His other hand came up and traced the back of my hand.

It sent a shiver down my spine and butterflies erupted in my stomach. This man. This one. He was odd, but he was mine, and damn. He was absolutely beautiful. "Hey," I cleared my throat in an attempt to even out my shaking voice, "Gaara?" Why was I suddenly so nervous?

It was just Gaara. Gaara who had been my friend since we were children. Gaara who I had sex with, Gaara who I was married to, Gaara who was pretty damn well unstable even in normal conditions.

He swallowed. My hand was pulled closer to him and he held onto it tight. He looked over to the bassinet, then back to our hands. The line between his brows showed, then deepened. "Naruto you..." He trailed off.

 _Naruto._ I felt my stomach twist and I tried to pull my hand away. The movement was useless and only resulted in his grip tightening on me. I looked away from him. Naruto is dead. I would never be that person again.

"Look at me." His voice was nothing more than a coarse whisper and the sound of it sent a shock through my heart.

So I looked at him. This wasn't something I was looking forward to. It wasn't what I wanted to start with. But then, I had no idea what we should start with. I stared into his eyes, searching for something. A hint, maybe, of what he was thinking. Maybe he was doing the same.

He let me go and stood from the bed. He paced. I wanted to say something, but there was nothing to say. For once, I didn't know of anything I could say to him. I just stayed where I was and watched him. Then, without warning, he was over me. My breath caught in my throat and I held it. His arms were to either side of me, his face mere inches from mine. I could feel his breath on my face and the scent of sand, spice and old blood filled my senses. He didn't say a word, he was just there, hovering over me.

Minutes passed and it occurred to me I could kiss him without much resistance in this position. It wouldn't take much to lean up and place my lips upon his own, sand burn damned to hell for it. I was sorely tempted, the more he stayed there, the more I wanted to. I licked my lips which made him scoff and back away. What was he thinking anyway?

"You told Temari to stop using your name." Oh, that. "Why?" He was back to sitting cross legged next to me. His face was unreadable.

I didn't know if I had an answer he would want to hear. "I am Kisarei." My voice was low. It was the mantra I had been telling myself since I had read the report. I had to let Naruto go. I had to let Konoha go.

It was silent for a few more minutes. "It is your Suna name, yes." His head tilted. The blank in his eyes didn't seem to hold any other thoughts. Curiosity. Confusion.

I sighed. Sometimes, his childlike nature annoyed me. "I can't be Naruto anymore Gaara. The Naruto the world knows died and I have to let him."

The blank look shifted. Now, it felt as though it hid his emotions. There. Now he understood what I meant. It was a blunt way to put it, but I didn't know any other way to go about it where he actually understood what I was saying. "Why?"

Or not. "Damn it Gaara. Do you think that decision was easy for me? You think I don't... Do you think I want to..." His face fell and I grabbed his hand. "Don't. It's ok, alright Gaara? We still know it's me, it's just..."

"I..." He trailed off. He pulled himself away from me and was standing next to the bed in one swift movement.

"Hey Gaara, look, I just can't be who I was. I'm not going anywhere, I am still who I always was, it's just..."

"Not the same."

What? "What isn't the same?"

He trembled and he crumpled to the ground.

I scrambled to the edge of the bed. "Gaara?" Shit.

Sand crawled across the floor, towards him. Damn it. "Never... I..."

Hell with this. I broke him again. I tossed my legs over the bed. I couldn't let him, not again. Not when I finally had him to myself. Not when I was talking to him. _Please, let my legs work._ I shifted onto them. They hurt, a shock of pain shot up to my knees but I held myself steady. He was only a couple steps away. I could manage this. Come on Naruto. Kisarei. Hell.

I forced myself forward, my legs wobbling beneath me. It was only a step out when they gave in and I crumpled to the ground. "Damn it!" The impact wasn't as hard as I thought it would be and found myself sitting on a bed of sand. I looked to Gaara who was looking at me again.

"It isn't possible to go back to what we were." His voice was barely above a whisper, his tone dark.

I took a breath. At least he wasn't pulling the sand to him anymore. "Yeah, pretty sure that went away the moment my wish came true." I gave a half laugh. It was true. How could it go back to normal, when the memory was there? When I could remember the moment of bliss we shared, when his touch was ingrained in my mind?

Gaara's expression changed ever so slightly. Then it changed again. He looked away. What was he thinking, just then? I didn't have time to wonder on it long because sand rose up beneath me and placed me back onto the bed.

"You use that stuff for everything, don't you?"

He didn't respond to me, but he stood up from where he sat on the floor. He looked to the door, then back to me. Was he wanting to leave? Already?

Damn it all. "If you want to go, just go."

He stiffened. His expression blanked. "You desire me to?"

I groaned. "You know, for being the Kazekage, you're pretty dense."

A frown appeared on his lips. He neared the bed again, this time making an extension off of it with sand and sat there. Close, but not as close as before. "We don't speak often."

I stared at him. What? "I don't think I follow you."

He let out a breath. "Other than this year, how often did we talk?"

"We talked all the time. Well, since I became Hokage, I did have about ten years I didn't really see you but we..." I trailed off. Wait. Those memories weren't Gaara. Oh. _Oh._ "Yeah, we didn't. Not since back then, did we?" I swallowed. Then, I looked away. I was not about to admit I might have used Gaaruto for company before he went awol. I cleared my throat. Now I was thinking about it, I barely knew the man I had fallen in love with in spite of knowing him for so damn long.

He hummed, but added nothing to it.

I felt my stomach turn. I forced myself on him. Gave him a child. We were married now because of it. All because of some sick fantasy I couldn't get out of my head. I looked up to the spiral. Why had he kept it for so long? The one I drew was still on his ceiling, but why? Did it even matter? "I'm sorry. Damn, I'm really sorry, Gaara." I moved my arm up to cover my eyes.

"Why?" The question was quick, low.

I breathed in through my nose. I didn't want to answer that. A hand grabbed my wrist and moved it away from my eyes. I stared up at the spiral. I didn't want to look at him. The guilt returned. No matter how angry I got about how he acted, everything was because of me.

"You..." He trailed off. His hand left my wrist and I felt the loss of his heat. Tears stung at my eyes.

"I never wanted to hurt you." My vision blurred and I felt the air on my cheek as tears slid down the sides of my face.

"Don't." There was a small pressure to my cheek and I decided to break my stare with the spiral to see what he had done. His hand was in front of him and he was staring at his finger. "Your tears, they are unnecessary." He spoke the words to his hand.

For once, I fell at a loss for words. I just felt numb. Unnecessary? Considering how guilty I felt about all of it, I was pretty sure they were.

His eyes shifted to me. "I'm not good with this. Personal." His hand lowered and his back straightened. "I want to be better." His eyes closed a moment. "I need to say, I have to..." A deep breath. Something fluttered in my heart, and I wasn't sure why. "Our situation in highly unconventional, yet welcome."

I swallowed. Welcome? "Gaara?"

"Naruto." He leaned forward and his fingers brushed through my hair. It made my breath hitch, the way he said my name, the way he was looking at me through hooded eyes. His eyes held something I had never seen in him before, something almost feral. "Since the day we fought and you showed me the light, I have only wanted to be something like yourself. You showed me I could carve my own path, be something more than a weapon." Sand gathered behind me and I was lifted closer to him and his hand moved to cup my cheek.

I swallowed. "Gaara..." I whispered his name and a visible shiver went through him.

He leaned forward and our foreheads touched. My heart beat sped up within my chest, a warmth flooded my senses and my breath hitched as the memory of the night we conceived our daughter came to mind. "You. You are the only one I could ever choose. You gave me more than I could ask for. You have become my wife, you gave me a child." He pulled away and hovered over the bed.

I wanted him back. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted him in my arms. I wanted all of him.

"I loved you, before I understood what the feeling was. My Kisarei." He looked away and walked to the bassinet. He pulled a small, red haired bundle out of it. He came to the bed and sat next to me. "We made this." A small smile played at his lips.

I couldn't help but smile.

Maybe never the same, but it would be something better.

Something amazing.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter for you :D It will probably be a few more days before the next one. I work the entire weekend so I'm not sure how much I will be able to write, but I am excited about the coming chapters. Bit by bit I feel the end of this book coming closer, then only two more books to go after this lol.
> 
> As always comments/reviews serve to inspire <3


	39. Speechless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After some thought, I decided to split this in two because the end of this just feels right to me here. It was already over 6,000 words where I split it, and I chopped off about 2,000 when I realized if I kept going, this very well could have been my longest chapter yet. Just so much going on! This is already getting long, so I may have to expand my total book count to 5 just so I don't end up with a 100 chapter book on my hands with this one lol, the only problem with that is I have no idea what I would call it.
> 
> Alright, enough of my blabbering, I hope you enjoy this chapter :D

 

**Gaara**

No matter how much I tried to work out different scenarios, every last one of them ended in disaster. Kimi would get upset and I would become a single father. Maybe. Probably. I disliked the possibility of it. I tapped my pen on my binder. Was there not a way to get Kimi adjusted to her mother? I looked at the child sleeping in a sand bassinet on the edge of my desk. "It would be easier if you could understand me." I frowned at her. At only three months of age, it was highly doubtful I could just ask her civilly not to cry and she actually follow the order.

I sighed. Twelve scenarios, twelve disasters. Twelve different ways Kimi would become upset and activate her ability. I had sent in the notice to the council informing them of this development and was still awaiting their reply. They were likely trying to figure out how to handle the situation. If they were ignorant enough to try and repeat the same mistakes they made with me, I would grind their bones until nothing remained of them.

There was also my other issue. I eyed the letter I had been sent from Konoha. I hadn't opened it yet. I had sent three letters. Three letters and two of them were personal. The other dealt with a manner which was political, yet still was personal because it may deal with the culprits who attempted to murder my wife and daughter. Very personal. None of these three things was anything I desired to deal with at the moment.

Temari leaves tomorrow. I had to look at the letter. What if it were the political one and they needed a spare team from Suna? It would make more sense to send a team out with Temari, and they could get briefed on the expectations for working so closely with a foreign nation on a single goal. I closed my binder. My list of possibilities was impossible. For once, I had no ideas of how to make this work. I had messed up by keeping Kimi to myself. There was no way to know Kimi would react in such a way, especially with her own mother. She had nursed, she technically had contact. Yet...

My stomach twisted. Was it me? She had become accustomed to Shinki and Temari, she also was able to be with Shikamaru, but she was still so little. Other than the few times I needed them to watch her, I was there. I was always there, holding her, I was near.

Was it because I was not near?

It was possible. I felt my lips twitch upward.  _It was possible._  I grabbed my book of possibilities and flipped it open to the page titled 'Getting Kimi used to her Mother' and scribbled down at the bottom '13 - Use myself as a buffer to ensure Kimi does not activate her ability'

I smiled at it. Then, I frowned. To use me as a buffer, would mean being close to Naruto, maybe even being alone with her. Such a task was impossible, at least for the two months it would take for the council to approve of my marriage to her. I shut my book again. I couldn't ask Naruto to just wait two more months until we were publicly wed to get anywhere near our Kimi.

Could I?

No, I couldn't. I shouldn't. It might have to be a possibility. I sighed. Of course, such a thing would hinge on the fact she would actually still want to marry me after everything. I wasn't sure Temari had explained to Naruto the sand had not been because of me. I wasn't sure if she would piece it together herself. If she had, she might even think I had intentionally sabotaged their meeting.

Would she think I would do such a thing? I wasn't sure. I looked back at the letter. I should open it. Why was I being so hesitant about it? Personal. I didn't handle personal well. Even when I had been killed, I never took it personally. I understood the reasoning behind it, while it wasn't a pleasant experience by any means, I always considered it retribution in a way. I had done the same thing to others. I had drug out their deaths, made them want to end it in a similar fashion as my own killers had done, but without a reason. I may not have liked their reasoning, but it was a reason nonetheless.

This, however. This was personal. The people who had killed me going after Naruto was personal. These people had killed him. Nearly entirely killed him. Nearly killed my Kimi. I didn't know how much more personal of a thing it could be for me. The people of Konoha knew the possible location of the culprits, and I would have to remain in the dark. I was smart enough to know they wouldn't send anything beyond the necessary information knowing my connection to the Naruto they perceived as deceased.

I felt my mood shift, the sand on my body crawled across my skin and I eyed my baby. I needed to stay calm. I couldn't risk upsetting her just because I was in a murderous mood. I grabbed the letter.

_Lord Kazekage,_

_Any help sent our way to attain information on the killers of our Hokage would be much appreciated. A separate request has been sent to your council. You were missed at Naruto's funeral. We offer our condolences._

_\-- Konohamaru, 8th Hokage_

I stared at the letter. Konohamaru? They had replaced Naruto so easily as to have a new Hokage in such a short amount of time? Last I had been aware, Kakashi had still been acting Hokage. Why had I not been informed? I swallowed. Kakashi knew the truth, it would have been easier to deal with him. This Hokage wouldn't even know I had a wife, let alone a child, and the small fact my wife was once their Hokage would be a secret which could never be revealed to him. This was it. The beginning of the biggest lie I would ever have to carry. One I was willing to carry out in order to keep her and our child safe. Our child.

A strange tingling sensation spread in my stomach. I had a child with Naruto Uzumaki. I smiled, and I let myself. If I could manage to figure out a way to amend what I had done, I would have her entirely to myself. My eyes would see her in a way nobody else would, I would have her heart if she would let me.

In order to amend, I would have to get close enough to Naruto in order for the baby to become accustomed to her. Which would mean violating the terms of my proposal.

I took a breath. It wasn't something I wanted to deal with. Yet...

I took out my pen and a fresh piece of paper. I titled it to the Elders Council and labeled it urgent. I was not going to wait through my entire engagement for this to go through.

Because if they denied it, I would rescind my proposal just so Naruto could be near Kimi.

It was the only way.

Knowing it must be done didn't mean the letter was any easier, nor did it remove the sinking feeling in my stomach.

Why couldn't anything be easy for me? Why couldn't Naruto have been born a woman? I could have had her to myself years ago, without having to jump through hoops with the council.

I called in a messenger and handed them the letter and watched them leave.

I stared at the door after it closed. In a way, if she were born a woman, I doubted I would have ended up with her. She would have been from Konoha and considering her issues with her friend...

I growled. Uchiha. He had embraced the darkness and refused to see light. I never liked him. I should have killed him when I had the chance, back when we were children, back before I had decided human lives matter.

It would have made my life so much easier had I done it. Now, killing him was impossible, because of Naruto. She would never forgive me if I were to do it now.

At least he was banned from Suna. I could live with her anger with the ban, and it made it so I didn't have to encounter him. I truly, fully despise him.

My thoughts were irritating me. I had to do something while I waited. Anything. I sighed. I could, though I think it might be annoying her by now. I picked up the phone.

And for tomorrow, I ordered apple flavored ice cream. The man assured me it was going to be the perfect flavor for the hot Suna days. I was beginning to think this man was taking advantage of the fact the only way I could think of for an apology was to provide my wife ice cream.

* * *

The day came quicker than I expected it to, and I received a letter from the council it would be looking into a possible solution for my unique situation and the meeting would be held tomorrow. Tomorrow I could go through with any plans of getting Kimi closer to her mother. Tomorrow I could try and amend what I had done. Tomorrow, I would have to actually talk to Naruto. I couldn't just pull her onto my lap and force her to hold onto Kimi without a word.

Could I?

No. Even Naruto would think such a thing would be too much. Wouldn't she? It would be easier than having to speak to her. I wasn't sure I was ready to actually talk yet. I didn't know what to say. I sighed and dished up a bowl of ice cream. I licked the serving spoon to ensure it was of decent quality.

Then I dipped the spoon back in and ate a bite of my own. The man was correct, this was the perfect flavor for ice cream. I normally didn't care for it, but what was this flavor? Apple? I would have to remember this. I smiled at the bowl. She should love this one. If I found it delicious, she would too. I was sure of it. I headed up the many flights of steps towards my room. Our room. Not for long. I paused at the thought. My earlier plans of making a house in my old district was something I couldn't do, and on further thought, it was probably a stupid idea in the first place. Let's place my precious family amid the people who hated me most, just because it gave easy access to a place I would like to build something special for my wife.

I would have to find a better place. A place my family would be safe. My family. Mine. Mine and Naruto's. My body tensed and my grip on the bowl tightened. I wasn't ready for this. Family. Children. Wife. It was a dream of mine, yes, but I wasn't sure I could do it. Be a good father. Be a good husband. Shinki was my only experience with fatherhood, and I wasn't entirely sure I hadn't messed him up somehow.

Shinki wasn't technically mine and I only had him since he was four. No, he was Kankuro's. Technically. I looked down into the ice-cream, the pain of knowing who Shinki's true parent was twisting inside my heart like a knife. How could he have kept it from me for so long? The fact Shinki was my nephew, my own blood. His blood.

I didn't want to go upstairs. I wanted to leave. I wanted to go into the desert, away from anyone who could see me. I wasn't in the mood for this anymore. What was I thinking?

Naruto. I was thinking of Naruto. Naruto, the woman. Naruto who was no longer Naruto, but was Naruto. I forced my feet forward. It was of no use, with Kimi on my chest, I couldn't afford to lose my composure. Not when I knew what might happen if she were to pick up on my mood and fuss more than usual. I swallowed. I had to do this. For Naruto. For my little Kimi. I stood outside the door for a moment. I can't do this.

I can't go in. I shouldn't have come. I could do all this tomorrow after I had the meeting with the council. This was entirely pointless, why had I thought returning with ice cream was a good idea? This was a terrible idea. I took a step back. If I were to leave now, Naruto wouldn't know I was here.

Because she couldn't seem to sense my presence anymore. I felt sick. Because Naruto would probably ever get strong enough to ever try being a ninja again. Another step back. I could leave, eat this bowl of ice cream myself and wait until tomorrow when I was more prepared to speak to my wife.

Slightly more prepared. Another step back.

The door opened and my sister leaned on the doorframe and crossed her arms. "Planning on leaving before coming in?"

I pursed my brows and looked down at the ice cream. "I... I have ice cream."

"Uh huh, I see that." She moved just inside the door and swept her hand in a motion for me to enter. I swallowed. It was too late to back out now.

I entered the room and spotted Naruto sitting up in bed. "Gaara?"

A lump formed in my throat and I used my sand to hand the bowl of ice cream to her. I wanted to say something, anything. My voice didn't seem to want to cooperate though. I didn't look at her after the bowl was in her hands. I heard a muttered "Again?"

The single word made my throat tighten more and I looked over to see the frown on her face. Bad idea. I should have turned back while I had the chance, all I had done was upset her.

"I'm being serious this time Gaara, what in the hell is with the ice cream?" She looked down and dissected the substance with her spoon.

Because I'm at a loss for what else I can do. I wanted to say it, but my mouth wouldn't move the statement beyond thought. Why had I thought this was a good idea? When I couldn't even get myself to talk yet?

A muscle in her jaw jumped and her eyes narrowed. Her shoulders went rigid and she leaned in towards me. Though it wasn't by much, the motion was noticeable to me. Anger? I think she was angry. With me. "Why aren't you talking to me? Why can't we just fucking talk?"

Vulgar. The word was at the tip of my tongue, yet, once again, nothing would leave my mouth. I shifted and looked away from her. I didn't want to be here. Not yet. I wasn't ready. Not to speak, not to explain, not to deal with her anger, not to--

"Naruto..." Temari's voice was low, dark.

I grit my teeth. Stay out of this Temari, it doesn't concern you. Why can't I get myself to say anything? I swallowed in hopes the lump in my throat would dislodge and I could excuse myself from the room. My presence was more of a hindrance than anything, and I didn't want to be the reason my wife was in a bad mood. More of a bad mood. I rubbed Kimi's back when the words between Naruto and my sister continued.

"Oh come on." Definitely angry. "Stop using the name, will ya? What if somebody heard you?"

My eyes widened at the statement. Stop using the name? What... What did she mean by this? Against my better judgment, I looked back to my wife. Her eyes held tears, her anger evident. Something twisted in my stomach. I shouldn't be here. I needed to get out of here. I can't breathe. I can't--

"Can't you ever shut your mouth? You never know when to shut up you never-"

A shadow passed over her features. "Why should I?" I eyed the door. I didn't want to hear this. I didn't want to- "Why can't I just enjoy my damn life? You think it's easy for me?" The sick feeling in my stomach rose up to my throat. "You just gotta let go of an idea, I am the one having to deal with the actual change here." Kimi began to fuss and I closed my eyes. Don't listen. Don't notice. Don't... "Yeah, I am stuck here," Stuck? She... She... "yeah, I'm a fucking woman, yeah, I am so damn weak I can barely stand and-"

The sound of shattering porcelain ended her rant and ended in her catching her breath from being startled. The clinking of the remnant of the vase I accidentally exploded continued to sound as the pieces hit the floor. I shouldn't have come. I should have stayed away.  _Stuck._  Did she really think so?

Her eyes were wide when she looked back to me. I narrowed my eyes.  _Stuck._  I pursed my lips. I had to say something. I didn't trust anything I could say beyond one thing. A promise. "Tomorrow." I barely shoved the word past my lips. I stood, not caring if she said anything else, and left the room, Kimi still on my chest.

I was down two flights of stairs before my body stiffened. I held onto Kimi. My Kimi, my sweet little one. My vision blurred for a moment before the sand at the edges of my eyes soaked in the tears. I trembled. I closed my eyes.  _Stuck._  I took a deep breath. Maybe she meant the room? This, everything, in a way was because she wanted to be here, wasn't it? Had I been wrong with the assumption she...

It wasn't her choice. When her clone died, every option she may have been considering was destroyed. What were her original intentions? Had she planned on telling me about our daughter? About her condition? Could she have been planning on just fading away, taking the child with her wherever she had planned on?

Would she do such a thing to me? I shifted Kimi in my arms. The idea she could have existed without me in her life made my chest hurt. Her ability with sand would eventually come to the notice of the council, and they would have figured out a way to procure her. It would have been obvious she was a blood child of mine, even just by sight alone. Shinki, he had been kept secret from the council until he was four.

The blood heir. No wonder there wasn't much of a fight about me naming him my heir. The council likely already knew his ties to Kankuro.

How could he have just let something like this go? To take a step back and allow another to raise his child? I can't fathom it. Not after holding Kimi. She's mine. Warmth flooded my chest and erased the pain which had settled there with the thoughts her mother might not want to be here. Just a few short months ago, her existence would have been thought an impossibility to me.

I was never attracted to another person, not much. I could see beauty in women. I had seen it in my short-lived engagement. Yet, I knew it had been pointless. I leaned against the wall and slid down until I was sitting on the floor of the hallway. I moved Kimi to my knees and smiled down at her. I knew the reason why now.

It wasn't so much I had the inability to care about women. It was because I already was in love with another, though it had been a pointless love. Until now. Until a few months ago, when Naruto had made a wish. For me.

I still didn't understand why. I took a breath. Then I froze. I... "You calmed me down, little one." I felt my smile widen. I hadn't avoided a panic attack without a point of focus in a very long time. She made a gurgling noise and her tiny arms moved about.

"Gaara?"

I looked up to Kankuro.

My smile fell and I looked back down to Kimi. "Kankuro."

He sighed and he sat down next to me. "You can't avoid me forever."

I didn't respond to him. I just bounced Kimi on my legs and let her squeal.

"I can't get over how freaking cute your kid is." His hand went to her and she grabbed onto his finger. He took a deep breath. "Listen, Gaara, I'm sorry ok?"

I shifted my eyes to him, letting him know I was listening.

"I just..." He dropped his hand from Kimi and leaned his head against the wall, looking up toward the ceiling. "I never thought it was a big deal. If I told you back then, you might have insisted I act more like the kid's dad or something." He paused, and when I didn't respond, he continued. "I never knew about him. He was four when they found him. I don't even know who his mother could have been. When I figured it out, I kinda freaked, you know?" He looked over to me.

I tilted my head at him. Freaked? "I don't understand."

His eyes widened. "Well fuck, you talked."

I narrowed my eyes at him.

He held up his hands and gave a small, nervous laugh. "Yeah, yeah, explanation." He shifted and scooted so we were facing each other. He had his legs crossed and he leaned forward on his elbows. "Being a dad, it was not something I wanted. I mean, you had the worst part of our dad, but he wasn't exactly the greatest role model you know. So, when a kid suddenly shows up with the ability to use sand, I immediately thought he might be, well, you know. I wasn't exactly careful back then." He shrugged. "I just never thought about some chick actually getting knocked up and then disappearing leaving the kid without anybody. But then, Shinki happened. They were pressuring you about the future of Suna, and..." He sighed. "It was an out. The kid would have a parent and it wouldn't have to be me. I'd still be close enough to make sure he was safe and... Well." Another deep breath. "You needed to have him. He confused the shit out of you, but... The way you looked at him when we met him for the first time, I could see you wanted him. You were the one meant to be his dad, you know?"

I frowned and looked back down to Kimi. Had someone else come and wanted to be her parent, there would be no way I would let them near her, family or not. "I still don't understand."

"Gaara, I don't know what you want to hear from me. I just wanted to protect you, and Shinki."

I looked up and met his eyes. "Shinki is your son by blood."

He groaned. "Yeah, I know."

"How could you not claim him?"

"Because you claimed him."

I frowned. This was confusing. I still didn't understand. I didn't understand how someone could give up their child. I didn't understand how my own father could have tried so hard to kill me. Not after Kimi. I wanted to protect her, keep her safe. Save her from the fate I had to experience.

"You still don't get it, huh?" He didn't wait for me to respond. "Let me put it this way, little bro, when we were younger you always fantasized about marriage and children." He held up his hand when I opened my mouth to protest. "I don't want you to interrupt. I am going somewhere with this." He lowered his hand back down. "It would have taken an idiot not to notice the way you looked down at the traditional marriage ceremonies which passed underneath the tower. The way you frowned when you saw families playing at the local playgrounds. How long you were depressed when that chick ended up leaving with another guy."

I looked away from him. So he had seen it. My odd desire for a family. I shouldn't have been surprised by this.

"When the report of a kid in the orphanage having the ability to move sand came in, I knew. I just knew one of the chicks I screwed over the past few years got knocked up."

"Vulgar."

"I said hush." He thunked my knee and I glared at him. "I mean, it wouldn't make sense any other way. I didn't want to, but I was going to step up, I mean, if the kid was mine, he was my responsibility and I wasn't just going to let the council try and control the situation. We all know how well that worked when they tried to control the situation with you, though his abilities aren't naturally as strong as yours, I know the way you were as a kid makes them nervous."

I nodded. I could understand their fear. I did kill off a decent amount of Suna in my youth.

"But when we arrived and you met the kid, I couldn't. You were there first Gaara. You wanted him, no hesitation. I still remember it. The way you knelt down to him and held out your hand. You remember what you said to him?"

I frowned. What did I say to him? I remember being in the building. He was inside, in a room by himself. "I remember I wanted to protect him." Beyond this, the rest of it was mostly a blur. I wasn't prepared to have a child, let alone a four-year-old boy who was afraid of both me and himself.

"You asked him if he would like a family. Gaara, you wanted him, from the moment you met him. I couldn't take that from you, not when I only wanted to take a backseat to the whole thing. Better to be an uncle than a father. I get the fun part, you know. Just because he was the result of some affair of mine, doesn't mean I am better father material."

Better to be an uncle? I tilted my head as I considered his words. I was Shikadai's uncle, and I would not want to be more than that. "I think I understand." I frowned. "I still don't want to forgive you for keeping this secret."

He sighed. "Can we at least work at it? Don't get me wrong, but it's kinda weird not having you around all the time."

I looked back to Kimi and instead of answering right away, I chose instead to tickle her stomach, creating the giggles I knew it would. My lips twitched upward.

"Whoa, when did she start laughing like that?" His hand came up to her and she grabbed hold of his finger and looked over to him. I followed her example and looked over to my brother. There was a definitive frown on his face. "Sometimes, I wonder, you know. What he was like as a baby. We still got him pretty young, but I wonder. I wonder if his mom is still out there and she just gave him up like he was nothing, or if she got sick, or she died or something."

I watched him silently. I didn't know what to say to him. I was still angry about him keeping Shinki parentage a secret, but the anger was fading. Shinki is, and always will be my son. Mine. "Have you spoken to him yet?"

His hand pulled away from Kimi and he stood. "Kid's been avoiding me." He looked down and smiled. "Gets it from his dad, I think." He took a deep breath. "Just..." He looked away. "He's just like you. He might look closer to me, but... It takes more than blood to be a parent." He clenched his hand into a fist, then released it. He looked back at me. "Don't be a stranger, ok?"

I had no words. I gave him a quick nod as an answer and he turned to leave. I swallowed. "Kankuro."

His back stiffened and he looked over his shoulder.

"I can't talk to Naruto."

His features softened. "Be honest." He turned again and disappeared down the hall into his room. His room? I blinked and looked around. So I was on this floor. No wonder he had noticed me here.

Honest. Have I not been honest? I frowned and tickled her again, her giggles sending a warm tingling sensation to my chest.

Her laughter was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard.

.*. .*. .*.

I hadn't seen Temari before I left the house. I wasn't entirely in the mood to speak to her. I didn't want to think about what had happened, and getting away, gathering my thoughts and preparing for the meeting with the elder council seemed a much better use of my time.

However, I had been sitting in my office for seven hours creating sand sculptures because I had no idea how to prepare for such a meeting. I didn't want to have it. I just wanted them to agree with me, allow me to raise my child the way I desired to and postpone the trial until Kimi didn't become troubled just because she was alone with her mother.

I sighed. I knew there was a very slim chance of this happening. In fact, I knew it wouldn't. The only way they would agree to such a thing would be on exchange. I waved my hand and broke apart the current sculpture. I twitched my fingers and soon there were two small people standing on my desk. I stared at them. I felt my heart race. Tomorrow, or was it later today now? I would be confronting Naruto. I would speak to her. I had to. No matter the outcome of the meeting.

I moved the sand, and soon one of the figures was shorter, slim and feminine. I kept her hair shorter and had her wearing pants rather than a dress. I swallowed and gave a quick glance over to my sleeping daughter. I returned my attention back to my creation once I was sure she was asleep. My heart beat rose in my chest as I created a likeness of myself from the sand. My figure stepped closer to hers. My mouth felt dry as she too stepped closer to him. Small sand made hands entwined and soon their bodies were pressed together, forehead to forehead. Little hands traveled over the likeness of Naruto and her head tilted back, his head leaned down and was at her neck. Soon, a sand wall appeared behind her and she was shoved against it, her legs raising up around his torso and--

I smashed the scene with my fist. I fought to catch my breath, a growing heat forming in my abdomen. What was I just thinking? Seriously, what was I thinking?

How could I romanticize... How could I even... I buried my head in my hands and drew the sand on my desk onto my body, letting it harden and combine with my shield. My breath was shaky and I pulled at my hair, letting the slight pain of it override the odd sensations created from the scenario. I still wasn't used to it. They had faded some after Kimi had been born, but...

I shuddered. If they did lift it for a small while, would I still be able to restrain myself with her? It would be a good way to test my resolve.

I wasn't sure I had any. Not when it came to her, my Naruto, my wife. If it weren't for the possibility of a traditional marriage with her, I would not have to try and restrain myself.

Unless she couldn't stand the thought of being with me again. I shifted in my chair and groaned at the explosion of sensation which followed. Hot. I felt so hot. I pulled at my collar and tried to control my breathing. I stole a glance over to the tiny child at the edge of my desk and I had to close my eyes. Proof. Proof I had done... Done  _that_ with her mother. Another wave of sensation started in my middle and moved lower. My sand was feeling tight. Too tight. I stood and my legs nearly buckled. Honestly, how could people function like this? I stared at the bath. I had to get rid of this. I had to...

I moved towards my private bath. I had never needed it, but, at this moment, I wanted to be out of sight of my daughter. She would be alright for a few minutes alone. I was sure of it.

Every step sent a shock towards my groin and the heat in my body rose. I bit the inside of my cheek. Step. Everything was fine. I just needed to fix this. I had to... Heat. I felt the pinching sensation of my armor cracking and I trembled. Soon, I was inside the bath and I closed the door, locking it behind me. This was not something I desired to be witnessed. I pressed my back against the wall and slid down to the floor until I was seated. I closed my eyes. Self-medication. I needed to... I took a deep breath.

Her voice was clear in my memory, her hand on my abdomen as she explained what I needed to do. Her hand... I swallowed. I didn't want to touch. It still felt so... Indecent. Vulgar. How could I avoid... I bit at my lip. I could. It was a terrible idea but... The pressure of a hand was on my abdomen and my breath hitched. Yes. This would be it. The way to avoid actually touching myself in those sensitive areas I kept hidden away. I leaned back and attempted to relax my body. Self-medication. "Vulgar." The word was cracked, harsh on my vocal chords.  _It is supposed to be._  Her voice, slightly deeper than it was now echoed inside my mind.

 _Move your hand, massage your skin, let yourself feel._ The feel of a hand moved lower, lower than where hers had been at the time. I whimpered at the feel, imagining it was hers touching me. A second hand joined the first and the sensation traveled lower, lower until. I gave a small cry and my body arched at the rough sensation of the sandy hands as they reached the area of my body which ached so very much. Massage. She said I needed to... and... The hands moved. Gods, they moved. I shouldn't. I should stop. I had to... I needed to...

Hands on skin, sand on skin. A fire erupted in my groin and my body moved on its own. I kept my eyes closed. Brilliant blue eyes, blonde hair and the most magnificent smile playing at the edge of my fantasy. I shuddered and the hands continued to move.  _Gaara._  The memory of her whispering my name sent a shockwave of sensation through me which accumulated in my groin and--

I slumped over, a slight tremble to my body as the strange, floating feeling of the complete to the condition came. I fought for my breath, tried to calm my heart. Then, I buried my head in my hands. "Naruto."  _Stop using the name._  I pulled at my hair. The look on her face, had they spoken of this before? My heart twisted and I tried to ignore the lingering sensation in my body. She was thinking about it as well. Would it come up when I built the nerve to speak with her? Which one of us would broach the subject? I wasn't ready to tell her about Kurama yet, or the how badly her chakra network had been damaged in the process of everything.

I wasn't ready to tell her everything she had ever associated with herself was gone. I curled myself into a ball. I fell in love with Naruto Uzumaki. I fell for him when we were still children, yet never realized it. His never-ending optimism, his light, his smile. I swallowed. In a way, when the world mourned the man who had been the seventh Hokage of Konoha, he had passed away. There was a part of him left, the part which sacrificed everything which made her Naruto in order to keep my child alive. What was left of him in her now? Would she keep the same brightness she held as Naruto?  _Kisarei._  I let my head fall between my knees and allowed the emotion through. The tears came quicker than my sand could absorb and small dots of wet fell to the floor below. I allowed the emotion to escape my throat and my body heaved.

Images of Naruto's desecrated body floated in my mind. The report I tried not to remember. The one I had seen not long after learning she was the one I was marrying. Then, the body didn't matter. It was insignificant.

Naruto was alive, and mine, and a woman, and more importantly mine. Yet...

 

 _And yet.._.


	40. Waiting

**Gaara**

By the time the meeting came I felt numb yet lighter somehow. As though some sort of weight had been lifted from me, and I couldn't explain why. It was easy for me to hide what I had been doing, which was outright sobbing for a few hours as I mourned the loss of my best friend. Which seemed absurd to me, though I had no better explanation for it. My best friend was at my house, in my room, laying in my bed recovering from giving birth to our first child. First. Butterflies erupted in my stomach and I forced myself to look at the paperwork in front of me.

It was pointless to think about such things. I didn't even know if it were even possible for her to carry another child, or if she would even be willing to put herself through such a thing for me again. Her. She. Kisarei. The pain in my chest returned at the thought and I attempted to listen to the words being spoken. They had not yet come to address the matter which I had desired them to. Instead, they had used my willingness to call a meeting to address all the things they had been trying to corner me for in the past few months. Which meant we were roughly four hours into deliberations, laws and funding accounts and still nothing about my issue with my daughter and wife.

"There is also the matter of Konoha." This I looked up from the paperwork for. I sat up straighter and folded my hands in front of me.

"I received a private letter from the eighth Hokage. He asked for assistance and mentioned he sent a private letter to the council as well." This part annoyed me. They knew they could avoid my personal opinions by asking the council directly. It was something I usually hadn't had to worry about with Kakashi or Naruto, but this new Hokage was not going to take any chances. Without knowing Naruto's new identity as the wife of the Kazekage, I could see the apprehension. I should not take such things personally and knew I needed to get past this annoyance. The deliberations with Konoha, from this moment forward, would be more important than they had been in years. The careful peace which had been constructed since the time I had taken office was being threatened by an outside nation by the murder of Naruto Uzumaki.

My best friend. My first friend. They could not be forgiven for his murder.

It was Baki who stood. "Lord Gaara, the council is planning on sending two teams with a head liaison between the two nations. It must be approved by you before the teams are gathered." He looked nervous, the muscle in his jaw jumped and his shoulders were more rigid than normal.

Curious. I gave a nod. "Go on."

He gave a quick glance at the other members of the council, the head of whom gave a nod. He cleared his throat. "After close consideration, it has been concluded the team shall consist of some of our best ninja. Two teams of three will be sent to assist in their investigation. The council finds it best to do this, as it could help us gain a lead on the earlier attack on Suna, and your wife, Lord Gaara. We still believe the attacks were too close together to be a simple coincidence."

My shoulders tightened. I narrowed my eyes. "We will do what is necessary to find the ones responsible for the attempt on my family's lives." I wasn't understanding why he seemed so nervous. I would do anything necessary to find the people responsible for this. Flashes of memory entered my mind. The sword twisting inside of my wife's chest, the limp body of my Kimi as she died in my hands.

I felt the sand shift on my skin and I closed my eyes before my irritation went beyond my body.

"The Hokage asked Shinki be the head of these teams."

I stared at him. My stomach twisted. I leaned on the table and clenched my teeth. Anything necessary except that. I took a breath. I was still not in the mood to talk, but this was important to me. "Shinki is not to be present for this investigation. Temari is already on this assignment. While she is no longer a citizen of Suna she knows as much as Shinki would and could act as a liaison between the teams of both sides. I do not see the need."

My statement was followed by a small murmur.

A single hand raised. "Baki, sit down. Gaara, we have a proposal." It was the head of the elder council.

Baki sat down and my mouth went dry. I had a bad feeling about this. I followed his example and sat back down. I straightened my back and took a breath. Getting something out of the council always came at a price. I wasn't sure I was ready for what they wanted from me. I forced my face to blank and I waited for what they had in mind.

The elder leaned forward and folded his hands in front of him. "We received your request for amnesty regarding your wife towards your engagement terms. We also have become aware the child shows signs of your disorder."

 _Disorder._ So this is what they thought of my ability with sand. I bit my tongue in an attempt to not react to the statement.

After a moment, when I did not dismiss the wording, he smiled and stood. "It was an order in hopes of solidifying the peace between us. Responding in kind to this request is in the best interest of Suna. While it is against our better judgement to grant approval of such a request upon the traditions of engagement while in process, the council has come to a consensus. If you agree to allow your son on this mission, the council is prepared to give you forty eight hours of amnesty toward your wife. What happens within this time shall not be taken into account for the approval of your engagement."

Extortion. I stared at him. They wanted me to sacrifice my only son for a few measly hours with my wife? Were they insane? "If these are the same people who attacked Suna, even I had a difficult time defeating them." I hoped the unspoken plea could be heard.

"He would not be alone, Lord Kazekage. Besides, such missions would solidify his position as your heir. The council will not back down on this decision."

I looked away, towards the window. No. I wouldn't allow it. I would not take the chance at losing him, not like that. My chest felt tight. These were possibly the same people who had killed both Temari and Kankuro countless times. They had killed me.

They hadn't killed Shinki, but...

"Lord Gaara, we need your decision."

I looked back to Baki. I took a breath. They were right. I hated it, but they were right. I took a breath. This was not my decision to make. "Do you mind if I speak with my son before I approve of this matter?"

Baki looked to the elder and the man gave a nod. "You have three hours, Lord Kazekage. Do not be late."

I stood, gave him a small bow and exited the room after picking Kimi back up. I headed back to my office and shut the door. I set Kimi down, then smashed the bookcase on the other end of the room.

I needed to kill something.

Anything. The bookcase was only the start of it. Whenever they were able to find these people, I would destroy them.

I would end them slowly. Make them feel the pain I had to endure. Make them watch as I destroyed their families. Then, when they are wrought with the anguish of losing the things they love, I would crush their bones from the inside out. Hear them scream. Watch them bleed.

I trembled and I looked to Kimi. They almost took her away from me. My sweet tiny girl. My sweet Kimi.

They would regret it.

For the first time in a long time I allowed myself to smile. The kind of smile which made people run from me.

I want to bathe in their blood.

.*. .*. .*.

I wasted an hour calming myself back down. It was of no use leaving my office when I was in such a mood. It hadn't taken me long to find my son. However, I had not expected him to be sitting in an indoor garden with the girl. The one related to Nobuo. I frowned. He never spent much time with anyone outside of his family, even his own teammates. His eyes slid over to me when he sensed my presence. He gave the girl a small wave, then came up to me. "Is there something you need, Father? You usually don't come for me yourself."

My throat tightened. I had to speak. I looked over to the girl, who looked far too much like her uncle. What purpose did he have with this girl? She was part of my old district. The one which held the leaders of those who were against me. I didn't blame them, but I hoped they were not using this girl against him somehow.

"We can go elsewhere." He turned and waved to the girl again and headed into a separate garden. I looked behind me at the girl, then turned to follow him. Once there he sat down on a bench and I followed suit. I still couldn't bring myself to speak. After a moment he grabbed hold of Kimi then sighed. "What did you come for?"

I swallowed. "Konoha asked for you to be the team liaison between us." I surprised myself with the words. No, hello, why are you still speaking with the girl, just down and straight to business. Because I was, in truth, curious of why he was hanging around the girl. What was her name again?

He stiffened. "For what mission?"

"They have received a possible location on the people responsible for the attack which killed the Hokage."

His jaw clenched and his lips thinned. "I still don't understand why you came to tell me yourself." His voice was barely above a whisper.

I frowned. He had to understand the severity of this situation. "I have not given an answer on whether or not I will allow this." I chose not to include spending time with Naruto alone as an added incentive for him going on this mission. I did not want him to go. If it meant having to break my engagement to Naruto, then so be it.

He stood. "Why not?" His voice rose and his free hand clenched. Kimi started to cry and I took her back from him.

Why was he being so irate about this? "I do not desire to risk your well being." The answer was obvious to me. They come too close to killing Kimi, I was not wanting them to get to my son as well.

His face blanked and he stared at me a moment. "You..." He trailed off and sat back down with his full weight. "You are worried?"

I looked away. "You are my son. If these are the same ones who were here, then-"

"They almost killed Kimi." His voice was low but more coherent than before.

I took a breath. This was going to be personal for him. He had bonded with Kimi, even if he felt nothing for Naruto. "If I let you go--"

"I will go." He stressed the statement. "If they asked for me specifically, it is important I go, no matter your personal feelings."

"Shinki, do not allow your personal agenda cloud your judgement. This mission is a personal one for our family. Emotions can hinder ones ability to-"

"I won't." His eyes rose to meet mine. "I won't allow my feelings get in my way. I will gather any information available. I will return with it so our own nation can plan on what shall happen next. This mission, is personal for the entirety of Suna. Kimi is the princess of Suna, and though she hasn't been introduced yet, Kisarei is your wife and was your wife when the attack happened. Before Konoha realizes I too have an interest in this matter,as well as Suna, it is best I go before they shut off their investigation to us and reach out for another nation to take our place. Father, I can do this."

I took a breath. The logic was sound. His answer was political as well as personal. "Just come back." He needed this mission to take the position of Kazekage one day. He will make a great one.

He broke out in a smile, one which made him look more his actual age and I cringed. It didn't go well with my resolve to be reminded. "I will. I give my word. Dad, thank you." Arms grabbed me and circled around my middle, his head leaned on my chest. After the surprise of his gesture subsided, I moved Kimi to a sand bassinet on the bench and I lowered my arms to return his hug. Dad. Did he just call me dad? I tightened my grip on him. Hugs. I could get used to these.

He gave a small gasp, his muscled tightened from my movement, then he relaxed.

 _My son._ He's my son. I felt both warm and cold at the same time. I didn't want to agree to this. I had to agree to this. "I mean it Shinki. You are to come back home." An order. I meant it as an order.

"Yeah, I know."

I gripped him even tighter, pressing him into my body. My son. I couldn't bring myself from letting him go from our hug.

I didn't want to.

.*. .*. .*.

Temari was seething. "I hate them Gaara. I don't know why you have to keep bending over backwards just to make those assholes happy all the damn time. Not when they were halfway responsible for giving you the shittiest childhood anybody could probably ever have to endure. Jackasses. Seriously, they would... You know. You should have said no." She used her hand to emphasize in a sweeping motion, and a strong breeze followed the motion. She growled. "You can't let him go, Gaara. Just tell them no."

"I already agreed to it." I had put Kimi in the other room for this conversation to happen. I knew she would be upset by all this. I was upset by all this. She just had a more obvious temper than I did.

She grabbed the thing closest to her, which was a small trinket I had bought in the land of waves because I thought it was neat. It was a kinetic sculpture. It fascinated me. She tossed it up in the air and I cringed. Put it down. I willed her to listen to my thoughts but couldn't bring myself to voice them. "First, they make you go through this ridiculous test just to get traditionally certified so your marriage to your already existing wife will be recognized by the regulars of Suna." I flinched when the small metallic sculpture left her hands and smashed against the wall.

I frowned at it. Must she take it out on my things?

"Then, to use your own wife as a bribe to send your kid out for a mission which is probably above his rank, it's absurd, Gaara. Why can't you just tell them to go to hell?"

"Shinki wanted to go." The statement was stupid, yet, it left my traitorous mouth. I wanted her to sit down, I wanted her to relax, be reasonable and think of the full reasons why this would be a good idea. It was a terrible idea, personally, politically it was a great idea. Combined, I considered it merely 'good'. Sort of good.

Not really.

She groaned and flopped down in the chair across from me. "Of course he would. He's just a damn kid. A kid who nearly lost his sister in an attack, and seen an opportunity to get revenge. Don't be dense."

"Shinki wouldn't go so far as revenge." I couldn't look at her with the statement. I was wrong. Half of what he said indicated a desire for revenge, but at Suna's hands not Konoha's.

"Since when did you take to lying?"

I shifted at the question. "Isn't it what I will be doing for the rest of my life, Temari?" The words made me feel ill. It was true. The secret I would have to carry about my wife was absolute. Beyond the few who already knew the secret, it could never go any further. Her life depended on it. Peace depended on it. Our child's life depended on it. I swallowed and took a deep breath.

Temari sighed. "Everything will work out. I'm sure it will."

I glared at her. Everything would work out? The lump in my throat vanished in an instant. What right did she have to make such claims? "How could you be so certain? Naruto's still bedridden. Our child inherited my ability to move sand, which currently is triggered by her own mother. My son is being conned into a wild goose chase which could result in permanent injury or worse." I stood. All the emotions I've been feeling, trying to ignore begun to surface. "I only get a two day reprieve to be near her to try and get Kimi accustomed to her enough to not go berserk and accidentally kill Naruto just for being with her and if I know the council well enough they will still use this as a test for my damned restraint."

"Gaara, I..."

I didn't care. The words flowed out of me. They needed to be said. I had to. "I'm not ready for this. I wasn't ready for this. Naruto, I managed to get into a routine with him. It was supposed to stay that way. Always there when I needed him, and I for him. He had a family. He was supposed to be happy. He was the Hokage, it was his dream. He was the one who convinced me this was the way I could move on, the way I could forge a future I never thought possible." I grabbed the desk and threw it against the wall, the wood shattering with the force it landed.

Temari flinched. "Listen, Gaara--"

"No." The word was guttural. Primal. I needed to do this. I knew it would have come sooner or later, Temari just happened to be the trigger. My body trembled with unreleased emotion. The emotions I tried to bury. Emotions I wasn't prepared or accustomed to dealing with. I didn't understand them. I didn't want to. I could feel my control falter and the sand on my skin began to crack. Enough it was audible. Temari looked afraid of me. This time, I did not blame her. I took a breath. "I have no idea how to move forward. I don't want to let go what I have worked so hard for, but there is no choice in it. That choice was taken from me. Taken from Naruto. What in the world will happen to him? To her? What will she do? The only thing she's ever done is be a ninja, and..." My throat was getting tight again, my voice was growing more hoarse with every word. "And there is nothing I can do to fix it. Her chakra network... It's so damaged." I choked out the last part. The trembling in my body worsened. I fell into my chair. "I don't know how she's alive, Temari. I don't know how she manages to still make clones and she can't even walk yet. I'm disgusted with myself. I can't get the idea of being with her out of my mind. Then, I remember the way she died. I remember almost killing her the very first time we..." I trailed off and plastered a hand to my mouth. Blood.

So much blood. Had something like that happened now, when she was so weak, there would be no saving her.

Hands gripped my shoulders. "Gaara. What happened? I mean, kinda obvious basically what happened since you two ended up with a kid, but..." She tilted my head back for me to look at her by placing her thumb underneath my chin and applying a gentle pressure.

I swallowed. "I don't... I..." My throat tightened back up. This was not a subject I wanted to discuss, especially with my sister.

"Gaara." Her voice lowered.

"I know now it was because Naruto made a wish."

She sighed and I grabbed her hand and lowered it from my face. "I couldn't control my own body. I ran out into a sandstorm. I couldn't stop. I just kept moving. I tried to stop, I tried to warn them but it felt as though my mouth was sewn shut. Sort of." I looked down at my hands and I faced my palms up toward myself. "He seemed so sick. I knew something was off with him and he was keeping something from me. How was I supposed to know what going on? I never thought wishes were real, or at least, the granting of them."

She nodded for me to continue and I winced.

"We talked. Then, he decided to show me his sexy jutsu. Then... Then it happened. I lost control. I was still covered in sand, Temari. I almost ripped him apart. I..." A familiar pain erupted in my chest and I grabbed at the fabric there. Naruto still covered in sand against the wall. Naruto falling into a pool of his own blood. Then...

Foreheads touching, overwhelming sensation, heavy breath and-- I cleared my throat.

A heat erupted in my forehead and I jerked away from her. "What are you doing?" I grabbed her with my sand and drug her away from my person.

She smiled. Not a happy smile. Was she sad? The pain in my chest intensified. Pity. Was it pity? "You're right, I can't say everything will be ok." Her eyes glistened and soon tears fell from them. "I'm the oldest. I always made it my job to protect you, after you came home. I wanted to fix what father had done, do what I know mom would have wanted. You know, everything you did as a kid, how messed up he made you, I blame him. I should have stayed here. I know you still needed me, but..."

"I don't need you." I said it too quickly for the words to be true. I did need her. If I didn't, I wouldn't have asked her to come. I didn't want her to go back. I wanted her to stay, but she had a family in Konoha now. A husband. I frowned. I still didn't like the fact she did such things as this. I shuddered.

"Liar." She gave a half laugh. Then took a deep breath. "Love, it makes you do things, you know."

I nodded. "Yes. I know." I held her gaze and we were silent. It stayed this way for a while. It let my nerves calm. I was the one who broke the eye contact first. "I love her Temari."

"Yes. I know."

We said nothing else until she left, taking my precious son with her.

I couldn't say goodbye.

It seemed to final.

.*. .*. .*.

I stared at the clock. I was feeling oddly excited. Maybe it was because I didn't want to think about my son heading into certain danger. More so than usual. He could usually handle himself well and I never really worried about it, but this time was different. Very different.

And I didn't want to think about it.

11:50. Ten more minutes and I would head up to my room. Her room. Ours. I swallowed. Could I restrain myself if my body betrayed me again? Could I touch without touching too much? Could I be near without wanting to press my lips to hers then following through with it? Maybe. I had to. It was the only way to be officially recognized by all of Suna.

And if I had to let my son go off towards a mission I did not want him to go on, I was not about to waste the opportunity it afforded me. I was being selfish. I didn't care. When it came to Naruto, I wanted to be. I still had a hard time believing she was in my house. Will always be in my house.

For the rest of my life, she would be here. I wouldn't have to etch out meetings or detours just to spend an hour every few years just to keep our relationship status quo. I paced. Naruto was mine. Fate twisted and plopped her on my lap. Not entirely in a figure of speech. I eyed Kimi, the proof it wasn't just a figure of speech. Since it was how her life began, her mother on my lap.

This was not a good train of thought for me to be having just before heading up to see her mother either. I shook out my hands and continued to pace. I looked at the clock. 11:53. It was only three minutes later than before? I groaned. I hated to wait. It annoyed me.

Would Naruto annoy me? Her personality was closer to my brother's, but more... Hyperactive. Once she healed to the point of being more herself, would she annoy me like she had when we were children? Back then, I just tolerated it, then I wouldn't see her again for a couple years. It made the annoyance much more bearable, because it was always coupled with the desire to be near her and the excitement which always preceded these moments.

I forced myself to sit down. I folded my arms and stared at the clock, the second hand ticking around the spherical object far too slow for my liking. I tapped my foot.

The first time I had seen Naruto after he defeated me, I had figured it was just a fluke. Such a person couldn't actually care for someone like myself. I learned we were alike. I saw it in his eyes. I saw the pain, the understanding. He seemed oddly excited to see me. I tried to pay it no attention, but I could still remember the odd feeling it created in me.

Emotions I still didn't entirely understand. I didn't like to deal with them. It was easier to not feel. Repressing emotions was the best way to lead. It gave me a clear head and mind. Naruto was always my exception. The worry I would feel when I knew he was in danger. The inexplicable excitement in knowing I would see him, even if for a few moments. The sick feeling I had when he had announced his engagement. I didn't even want to remember the night they had me watch their son.

I shuddered. Staring at the child, while they slept in the other room. Knowing they were sharing a bed. Having just learned the manner in which a child was created. I understood now. Love. It was because I had loved him. Knowing then would have been pointless. Even so, knowing would have led to a personal torture since I knew there would never be anything to be done about it.

There was no way I would have ever thought my current reality was even a remote possibility. It was absurd. Still was absurd.

I groaned. 11:58. Two more minutes. Two more minutes and I could go up to her. Hope I could make my own mouth work. Try to move forward. Begin to etch out our future. Ask her what she meant when she told Temari what she had. _Stuck._ The thing about her name.

I pushed myself out of the chair and paced again. I don't care if she felt stuck. She was here. She was mine. If she thought I would just let her go, she was insane. I froze. I knew it was true. I would never allow her to leave. I was not kind enough for such a thing. Even if she was unhappy. Even if she wanted another. Even if she missed the forest and free flowing water.

How Hinata had let him go, I would never understand. 11:59. Close enough. By the time I climbed all the stairs, it would be time anyway. I was careful when I picked up Kimi. She was asleep. I smiled down at her. The next two days had to go well. They just had to. I brushed her forehead with my thumb. "Give her a chance. She is better than me. I know you will love her." I cradled her to my chest, her weight resting on my arm. No sand to hold her this time. Just me. I wanted to, for this moment when I personally introduced her to her mother. I took a breath. It was time. I headed up the stairs. Only a few flights, I allowed myself closer to the top of the tower wanting to get there as quick as possible once the time came.

Soon, I was outside my bedroom door. I stared at it. This was the moment I had both dreaded and anticipated. The moment I would speak with my wife. The moment I tried to move past what had happened between us. The moment I could get her accustomed to our child, then in the morning I had arranged for the video of the naming ceremony to arrive. I took a breath. It was something I was not looking forward to. I had watched it once.

It was obvious there was something wrong with me. The bandage at my neck was visible in spite of the high collar I had worn that day and Temari speaking for me would only make all the more obvious. I wasn't sure I was ready for the questions I knew she would ask about that. I didn't want to tell her I had nearly ripped my own throat out during a panic attack.

I didn't want to let her know about my panic attacks. Not yet. I knew they would eventually be revealed, likely while I had one in front of her, but it wasn't something I looked forward to. She always thought of me as oddly stoic, porcelain. How much of my image was already tainted to her? How much more tainted would it become?

I froze. My past. There were too many records, too many things telling of my past for me to keep it a secret from her. I knew she knew about me being... A bit messed up before I had met her. I was sure she didn't know by how much. Once she was presented to Suna, those idiots in my old district would likely make it their mission to tarnish my image to her. Tell her how I really was, remind her I was a monster.

I am a monster. A monster with a wife and children who were far better than I ever deserved to have. She gave everything to give me this child. This future, this life. It was only right for me to try and adjust.

I wasn't good at things which were personal. I needed to be better. I wanted to be better. I turned the knob and pushed it open. Dark. The room was dark. I frowned. This was unexpected. I entered the room, shut the door and allowed my eyes to adjust. Once they had I found the bassinet I had ordered for my Kimi and set her in it. She was asleep, and so far I had not woken her.

I pulled the chair up to the bed. My breath hitched. She was asleep, a book in her hands. She was reading? Was she so bored she had resorted to the thing she disliked? I leaned forward and retrieved it, careful not to disturb her. I wanted to wake her, get started with everything I had prepared for, but she was still unwell. She needed her rest. It was an odd habit, but I understood it was needed for healing. I looked down at the book. What was this?

I stared at it a moment, then looked back up to the woman in my bed. She must have been bored, to resort to this sort of garbage. It was by an annoying author located in Suna who thought it would be interesting to combine the traditional history of our lands with elements of pointless romance. It would be more interesting if they were more precise with the bits of tradition they wrote about. Instead, they twisted it beyond the point of recognition.

I hated those books. I had no idea how one ended up in my house. I could put Naruto out of her misery and destroy the thing and bring up better reading material. I smirked. Yes. I would do this. I let the sand from my arm flow outward until it encased the book. Then, once fully covered, I shredded it. I smiled. It deserved to be destroyed. Such drivel did not deserve to be read. Especially by her of all people. She deserved better.

Her. Definitely Her. My she. At this angle, this close to her, she exuded femineity. Even in her sleep she was unmistakable as a woman. A woman to whom I was married. A woman who was none other than my own childhood obsession, Naruto Uzumaki. Was. Kisarei of Suna, wife of the fifth Kazekage. I frowned. I was used to the honorifics, it was part of who I was. Gaara of the sand. Last names, I had not grown up with them and found them unnecessary, but it was the customs here. For her, she was used to having it attached.

A snore passed through her lips and she shifted in her sleep. I froze. I didn't wake her, did I? She continued to snore and I winced. Noisy. Did she always snore like this? I tried to recall if she snored before. I stared at her. Other than when she was in a coma, both medically then naturally, I hadn't really been around her when she slept.

Except... Except when we were children. Whether or not she snored then, I was not aware, at least it didn't stand out in my mind if she had. I looked at the window. How long before the sun would rise? It was summer, so it should be pretty early. She would wake with the coming of light, wouldn't she? I only had two days for this. Two days before they would officially assign Naruto's attendant. One I would have to come accustomed to. I stood and looked out the windows.

I had found her in a diner and knew relatively nothing about the girl. Of all the things to do, I had chosen the person who was to babysit my visits with my wife on a whim.

I felt a chill. Not just the visits. This person was being assigned by the elder council. If she passed their inspection, they would insist on her constant attendance in my household. Essentially, I had hired my wife's lifelong assistant and she could be entirely inept. I frowned. I remembered the way she dropped things and tripped over herself. How she had incorrectly delivered things ordered to the customers before they fled the place.

I was never going to allow this girl to touch my child. Probably shouldn't let her near my wife either. I did not have a choice if the council approved. Though, I think I might prefer her to one of their lackeys. It would allow them permanent access to my private life, and I did not like the idea much. Either way, she was never to be alone with Kimi. I clenched my jaw. My uncle had been my attendant. The council approved of my father's desire to end his experiment and used him as a catalyst. I would never allow the same to happen to my daughter.

I was not my father.

I will never be him.

I walked to the bassinet and knelt down so I could watch Kimi for a while. Had I been so small once? I know Temari once mentioned I had been tiny. I frowned. How could he? If I, Suna's monster, couldn't stand the idea of his child being even the slightest bit of unhappy, how could he want to torture his own? I didn't understand it.

Yashamaru was a last resort. They had tried ending me randomly before him, but after him they decided to work harder at it. According to the council I trusted him so he could get the closest to me. They thought my defenses wouldn't stand against someone I trusted so much. My stomach twisted. _Please die._ I slumped down to the floor and buried my head in my hands. I wanted to know the impossible to know. I wanted to know if he thought I would live or die in that moment. I wanted to know if he loved or hated me. Was I nothing more than an assignment to him? Did he blame me or my father for my mother's death? The questions plagued me. Questions I would never have an answer to.

I took a breath and looked back to the window. The lingering pain in my chest made itself more known and I grabbed at the fabric there. How much longer now? Too long. I didn't want to think anymore. I didn't want to remember. I had my siblings, my son. I touched the bassinet beside me. My precious daughter. My wife. How did this happen? How had I managed to get people who found me as precious to them? People who would go out of their way for me? Someone who would literally sacrifice everything just to give me a chance at happiness.

Happiness. Was it even possible for a person such as myself? A strange feeling erupted in my stomach and I wrapped my arms around my middle. What was this feeling? I almost felt sick, but it sort of tickled. My heart began to race. I rose to my feet and leaned over my wife. The feeling grew stronger and I squeezed my middle harder. _Are you the cause of this feeling, Naruto?_ I let go of my middle and used my hands to brace myself as I lowered myself down to her.

An intense desire to touch her erupted through me, adding to the odd feeling in my stomach. It wasn't the usual pressure I had attributed to the condition she brought out in me, the one which made my mind fog and triggered my anger if something wasn't done about it. So what was this? I had no idea.

I didn't want to wake her. I didn't, but... I couldn't wait any longer. I shifted my weight onto the bed and I laid next to her. The blanket and my sand were the only things separating us. My breath hitched. This would be my life. Once our marriage was official, I would always have her here. I wouldn't have to carve out ways to get to Konoha, come up with things to call meetings for just for a glimpse and casual conversation.

No longer would I have to watch from afar. No longer would I depend on reports from the people I had stationed in Konoha. The feeling in my stomach intensified. It bubbled upward and a smile formed on my lips without intent. I placed my hands there, but the smile remained. What was this? I lowered my hand and rested my head on my arm. I watched her sleep. Beautiful. I always thought he had made a beautiful man, but who knew how beautiful he would become once he was a woman? Prettier than what he presented me with in the cave. Even the odd aftereffect was not quite to the level of perfection she had become in reality. I reached out a hand, tentative, I didn't want to wake her, but I wanted to touch her. Just a small touch. I needed to touch her. Just for a moment.

I made sure the sand was gone from my skin before I moved my hand to her face. It hovered over her a moment. Would a simple touch wake her? I held my breath and lowered it to her cheek. I froze, heat pulsing through my hand as my skin connected to hers. I stared at her, keeping still, but nothing happened. I let out my breath and I moved my thumb across the whisker marks there, marveling at the sensation of the recessed yet soft skin. I moved my hand and pushed back some stray hair which covered her face.

This was my wife. The person who I will spend my life with. Who I will raise our child with. My breath faltered. The ticklish sensation was in my throat now. I swallowed in hopes of dissipating it. What was this? I pulled my hand away from her and felt the loss of sensation. Why did I crave it so much with her anymore? It didn't make sense to me. Just months ago, even she had her limits with me, but now, after everything...

I wanted to hold her as close to my body as possible. Press us together, mingle our limbs, share our breath and--

I scrambled off the bed when a different sensation started to pool in my abdomen. I paced. This was not the time for me to be thinking of such things. I had two months and two days before I should try thinking of such things. Then, I could think of them all I wanted. I could be alone with her, officially alone with her. We would have a week to ourselves. A week to grow accustomed to each other's company. A week I could explore the strange need I grown for her and try to endure the unending heat which was Naruto.

I shivered. Could I become accustomed to such sensations? Would I have to ability to endure it? I swallowed again and took a deep breath.

I hoped so. It was the oddest desire I had. I wanted to become accustomed to her. I wanted to know every touch, every sound, every breath, every curve of her skin. Before her, I never had felt such a desire before, and the desire for this was intense. Weakness. Emotions were weakness and with them, my daughter and the woman who had created her from me, I had never before experience such weakness. I welcomed it. Let them be. Now they were mine, I would never allow them beyond my reach.

Ever.

I hissed as the memory of a sword wielding man stood over my wife and plunged the apparatus into her chest. The way my Kimi felt as life left her tiny body before she was big enough to survive beyond her mother's womb.

I moved myself from the bed and covered my mouth with my hands in fear I would make a sound. Would watching her sleep always trigger such a memory? The memory of how close I had come to losing them, to losing myself? A shudder passed through my body. It hadn't been all that long ago, though it felt as though it had been a lifetime with everything going on. I had brought her home, proposed to her. I had been there when I nearly lost her again when Kimi was born. Then, she wouldn't wake up. Then, Kankuro...

I growled and started to pace.

There was also the girl Shinki had made friends with and her uncle. Nobuo. I froze. The name. It sounded oddly familiar. Not as in just the man who I had befriended when I was a child and was too insane to know how to treat one. I frowned. It was probably just a figment of my imagination, the way it felt a little familiar. I scanned the room. It was too dark for me to read to pass the time. My thoughts were becoming annoying to me and I wanted to distract myself.

Distract myself, and stay within this room. I was going to be here when she woke. It was bad enough I had accidentally lied to her. The darkness of the room proved my lie. She might be angry with me for that. I had been lying more lately than I ever had to before this. I disliked it.

It was necessary to keep Naruto and my child safe. With these bastards on the loose, it would not be in the best interest of my precious family to allow them to openly know the identity of the person I was married to. If they were after the death of the fox, then it would be my daughter who was in danger.

If anyone ever dared touch a beautiful red hair on her head I would implode them. After I made them eat their own organs.

I needed to train again. More than usual. Not to just maintain my power, but to become stronger. I could easily destroy the entirety of Suna without much thought, but...

To maneuver and protect required more than a massive instantaneous kill tactic. The move was nonjudgmental and could eradicate everyone within the city. However, it took everything I had to destroy a mere twenty eight ninja. With help.

Kimiko. I sighed. It was not fair to her, me keeping my distance. I needed to see her. Talk to her, regardless of how angry I was or the company she started to keep. Why had she chosen to keep the thing like a pet anyway? The thing. The clone. I went to the window and looked out. Where did she even live anyway? I only had ever met her at the hospital, or here. At least she was keeping the thing safe. If it were to die now, I wasn't sure my wife would...

I shuddered and moved away from the window. Something to do. I needed something to do. I looked around my room again. Then, I smiled. I had never moved anything back from when Shinki decided to mess with everything when he made my room into more of a nursery. I turned to watch Naruto for a moment more.

I felt my stomach twist. Oh. No wonder she was so angry with me the other day. Having to stare at empty baby things while being denied the child would be a form of torture. I took a breath. Today, this changes. I had to be better. I needed to be better. I had prioritized my own issues, my own resentments and...

After returning home and not knowing how to repress the growing need for her, I had found myself unwilling to let go of what had once been. I should have moved past everything. I grabbed hold of the bassinet with a small cloud of sand and carefully maneuvered it to the bathroom, out of the way and safe from me while I moved furniture around the room. I started by moving the baby things to the center of the room to match the makeshift office Shinki had created just feet beyond Naruto's bed. I studied the items. The things for the baby came close to outweighing mine. Which was fine by me. I never had full use of this place to begin with, so making it more for the baby and Naruto made sense. As long as I still had a table, a desk and a place to store my clothing, I was fine with what she might want.

For now. I was not going to live here much longer. While I may not be moving my family to my old district, I would still find a place for us. A place Kimi could grow up feeling safe. Safe. She would be safe. I did not want her to experience what I endured as a child. What her mother endured. It would be hard, isolating her from it, but...

She would have us. Her brother. Her aunt, uncle and cousin. It was more than either of us had when we were growing up. Naruto had nobody and had to raise herself. I had a family, but they wanted me dead. Either direction for Kimi was not an option.

I grunted. I was thinking again. I twitched my fingers and I moved my things to the far side of the room, leaving only the chairs and small table. While my wife was bound to the bed, I wanted access to her. Kimi's things, I placed neatly and perfectly in the most sensible places. The changing table near the bathroom. The dresser near the window. The toy bin I centered amidst the largest expanse of windows. The bassinet, when everything else was finished, would be near Naruto's bed. Easy access. If she was able to walk soon, I wanted her to be close to where our daughter would sleep. Of course, the last thing for me to move was the bed itself.

I moved closer to it, and encased it with sand. I waited a moment, then I began to lift it. It raised inch by inch until it was far enough from the ground not to catch and I moved it closer to the window with the headboard against the wall rather than the thing sitting in the middle of the room. Well, further into the room with open space around it.

Having it close to the window was entirely selfish. The light would reach it sooner, and perhaps Naruto would wake much sooner than if I left it further away.

I wanted her to wake up. Why was sleep so important anyway? It made no sense to me, not fully. Once I had it in place I held my breath as I set it back down. Once in place, I retracted my sand. I let out a breath. I opened the bathroom door and retrieved my Kimi and set her near the bed, ensuring she was easily visible from it. There. Now what?

Now I waited. I frowned. This was annoying. I went to my end of the room and sat at the table. I leaned on it. I looked out the window. I paced some more. I looked at the clock. 5 am. The sun would rise soon. I was sure of it. Didn't it rise around 6am? Yes, it would be soon. I smiled.

Then my smile fell. An hour. An entire hour. I looked at my things. What did I even have anyway? Outside of my clothes, I hadn't gone through this stuff in years. I stole a glance at the bed. I could be quiet. I knew I could. I started going through drawers. Inside I found clothes from years ago. My black undergarments. A few sets of them. Was I always so predictable? Yes. I was likely worse than Naruto when it came to fashion. I hated shopping, I hated being near people. I shut the drawer with the sickening feeling I would have to do exactly this to get her something to wear outside of the tiny slip of fabric I had bought her when I went out with Shinki.

At least I knew a shop which didn't induce panic attacks now. I opened another drawer. Then another. Then another. I slammed it shut and stiffened. I looked over to Naruto, then breathed a sigh of relief the noise hadn't woke her.

Bones. I would have to dispose of those before she discovered them. I opened the drawer back up and lifted them out of it. I reached in and grabbed out the little collar buried in the mess. The nameplate read _Spike._ Considering he was a Sand drake, the name had been literal for me. A pet. He was the first, and last pet I was ever allowed. The thing was almost as tall as I was and covered in barbs. A pointy dog of sorts.

I only had him for about a month before I accidentally killed him. How old was I? Fourteen? I set the collar back into the drawer and carried the bones outside and crushed them into powder. It was of no use keeping such things, especially when I had a wife who likely would not understand the sentiment attached to them. I returned to my room and sighed a breath of relief when I saw my wife was still asleep, as well as my daughter. I headed back to the desk in my area of the room and stilled. No. I wanted to be there when she woke. I wanted to watch her sleep. I neared the bed. The chair was too far from her. No. I wanted to be closer.

Much closer.

I used my sand to place myself on the bed careful to gradually transfer my weight there. Opposite the window. I sat, cross-legged, hovering over her.

I stared at her. The morning was not coming soon enough.

 _Soon_.

Soon I would see her open her eyes.

Soon I would have the ability to touch her.

Soon I could speak to her, introduce her officially to Kimi, tell her our daughter's name and--


	41. Coming to Terms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, another chapter! Finally got caught up on the story from Gaara's end. He ended up having a lot more going on than I originally though, but hey. I hope you enjoy this chapter.
> 
> As always comments/reviews serve to inspire <3

 

**Gaara**

It was much more than a simple hour before I witnessed to first signs of movement from Naruto. First, the snoring stopped. The change forced my body to stiffen and I stared at her, careful not to move for fifteen minutes before I realized she wasn't waking up yet. I sighed and tried to relax. It could be any moment.

Any moment until I tried to start my life with her. First, by bonding her to our child. Then, a two month long engagement.

Then.

 _Then._ I didn't want to think of what would come after. I wasn't ready to think about it. If I were to think about it, I could end up a mess and I wanted to test my resolve. If I could keep it when I was technically allowed, then I should be able to last for two more months. Logically speaking. I tapped at my knee. The sun came out three hours ago, so why wasn't she waking up? Maybe if I just give her a small shake, then...

She took a deep breath and my breath caught in my throat. I stared at her. Was this it? Was she waking up this time? I forced myself to stay still and I carefully schooled my expression to one which was blank. I was excited. I was nervous. I was petrified. I did not know which emotion was stronger.

Her eyes opened, blinked a few times and settled on the ceiling above her. My heart beat wildly in my chest. It was everything I could do to stay calm. This was it. It was happening. I would soon start my two days with her. Two entire days. My heart sped up painfully in my chest. I settled on excited. I think I might have been more excited.

After a small moment she went to sit up, her hand pushing up on the bed and her face came up about an entire inch from mine. Maybe I was too close.

"Shit." The word was high pitched and breathy and in conjunction with a full body flinch which sent her over the edge of the bed.

I moved my hand out, rushing my sand to the edge, relieved I still had it available from when I had rearranged the room. I caught her only a couple inches from the top of the bed. I lowered my hand back down and rested in my lap, allowing her to come to terms with my obvious presence in her bed.

She swallowed and gave me a wide eyed stare. "The hell?" Confusion was evident in her voice, the pitch she used.

I was not surprised by the shock of me being here. I had taken too long to return to her. Too long to bring Kimi. Too long.

Just... Too long. I wanted to say something which could excuse my absence. I wanted to apologize. I tilted my head as I went through different answers. This was officially the first time I was dedicating myself to her since she had awoken from her coma. Why was I here? I wanted to see you. I was not being considerate. I decided to rearrange my room. "You were sleeping." This was not what I meant to say.

"Yeah, I know." Her voice was dark and I suppressed a frown at it. Yes, it was not the most intelligible thing to say. Not after so long. Not when I found it hard to speak around her. I could do this. She looked around the room, likely realizing I had messed with it. "Damn, I must have slept like a log to not wake up." Yes, I agree. She stiffened and snapped her head back in my direction, her eyebrows furrowed. "Where is the baby?"

She must have noticed I tended to keep her with me. She is in the bassinet. I had to keep her near. My words didn't come so I chose instead to use my eyes to point where she was sleeping in her bassinet. She gave a small sigh. She must have seen her there. I watched the bassinet a moment. How would I proceed with this?

Why hadn't I taken the time to make a list for the possibilities for this meeting? What was wrong with me? I had no idea what to say. No idea what to do. I had been so ready for this to happen, so nervous, so... I had forgotten such an essential step.

"Hey, you came by yourself."

Because I need to be alone with you. "Temari left." Again, not what I meant to say. The thought of Temari crashed my mind back into my worry for my son. I felt a tightness between my brows form. I twitched them and forced them to relax. This meeting was not going to be ruined because of my errant emotions. I decided to explain it anyway. "So has Shinki." I looked away from her as a lump formed in my throat just by saying the simple sentence. He shouldn't have left. He should be here, safe, away from the ones who killed you. Also a matter which I didn't need to think about.

"Something to do with the hospital?"

I couldn't keep the shock from my face. She knew about the hospital? Who had told her? I looked to her, I studied her face. I would kill whoever had told her. It was something she did not need to know. Not... Sword. Blood. So much blood. She was cold, so very cold and...

I removed any expression I may have shown from my face and looked away before she could work out what was wrong with me. How much had she been told? Perhaps just enough to know something happened there. Did she know she was in the building at the time of the attack? I wanted to ask. I didn't want to ask.

I didn't want to remember. I didn't want to remember the way she looked without life. Without breath. I didn't want to remember how her lifeless body felt in my arms. I didn't want to remember the pain I felt as her life was torn from me. Mine.

She was never allowed to die. I heard her voice, but what might have been said was lost on me. I had to control this, this residual pain left from a vision of a future which was avoided. We made it. We managed to live through it. Both my wife and daughter were alive. I would keep them this way.

My mind blanked when heat erupted in my thigh, fingers pressing into the sand covering them. I clenched my jaw as the expected sensation flowed upward and started to pool in my abdomen. This was wonderful. My test on my resolve would start earlier than I expected.

"Come on, you gotta give me something to go on."

She was correct in the sentiment. But what? Where would I start? I had no idea what to say, no idea how to broach everything which had happened. No idea how to move forward. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, letting the air clear my mind. The heat was still lingering on my thigh. I wanted to touch her. My hand moved to hers and I slid it underneath hers and wrapped my fingers around hers. Hers did the same. I opened my eyes and stared at our hands. Our hands. Together. We are touching. The odd sensation from earlier returned. She was allowing me to hold her hand. She was holding mine as well. I wanted more. I moved my other hand and brushed my fingers across the skin of the exposed area of her skin. Soft. Softer than I thought it should be. Smaller than it should be.

Yet, this was the hand of Naruto. "Hey." Her voice was high, a tremble evident in it. She must have noticed it because she cleared her throat. "Gaara?"

I wasn't ready. No matter how much I wanted to do this, how much I knew this needed to happen, I wasn't ready. I swallowed. No. But I needed her. I drew our hands up to my chest and clasped them with my free hand. Together. We were together, we would stay together. I looked to the bassinet. Inside of it, was a little being. It was created because I was together with Naruto. I looked down at the hands I was holding onto. Our hands. I was touching her. With my skin. I was never going to let go. _Mine._ Naruto was mine. Something painful erupted in my chest. What she had said to Temari. I wanted to test it. "Naruto you..." I trailed off. I had no idea what to actually say beyond that.

She tugged at her hand, trying to remove it from me and I tightened my grip on it. Mine. This hand was mine now. She wished for it. Hinata signed it over to me. The body attached to it created something made from me. So, it was mine. I followed the lined past her hand, up her wrist, up her arm, to her shoulder to her face which was turned away from me. The shadow was evident, even without her looking at me.

I had to talk. I needed to talk. I needed her to... "Look at me." My voice was rougher and more quiet than I meant it to be, but she turned her head to me.

She wasn't smiling. The light was gone from her eyes. She looked tired. I searched her eyes, wanting some of her light to shine through. She wasn't meant to hold the darkness.

I did this to her.

It was because of me.

I let her go and moved to the floor. I paced. What was I doing? I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready to confront this. I had to fix her. I wanted her back. Back to the way she was. Back when she was he and I knew everything was fine and he was happy and--

Hell with it. I couldn't. I didn't want it to go back. Not when in a couple of months she would be mine, officially, to the world. Even if they didn't know it. Mine. She was mine. Without thought I lifted myself to her with my sand. I straddled her, the shock of my weight on her sent her down. I held myself up with my arms. So close. It wouldn't take much. I could have her. I could touch her, I could remove her clothes. I could test to see if I could endure the sensation of having her heat surround my body. I lowered my head down to hers. Touch. I wanted it. I needed it. Fix her? It sickened me, but no, I didn't want to. I wanted her the way she was now. Woman, wife, mother, mine. It would be easier to pursue her as a woman. A woman who was technically married to me and would be forced to stay with me no matter her personal desires.

Our breath mingled. It smelled sweet to me. Probably from all the ice cream I had been shoving at her lately. I wanted to move. I wanted to touch her more. I wanted our lips to entwine. I wanted to taste the sweet to her. I wanted...

I needed to...

I needed to get away from her before I acted on any of these desires. As though to tempt me to not keep my resolve, her tongue darted out from her mouth and wetted her lips. I scoffed at her. Temptress. I backed away from her and resumed my earlier position, cross legged next to her on the bed. Close. Not too close. Not close enough.

I had to start somewhere. I wanted to say something intelligible. Something more than one or two words. I settled on the thing which kept bothering me lately. "You told Temari to stop using your name. Why?" I kept my face blank. I wanted to know. I had to know.

"I am Kisarei." Her voice was low, barely above a whisper.

I waited a second to see if she would continue. Then, I waited longer. There must be more to it than this. It didn't make sense. Yes, she was Kisarei. Yes, she was Naruto. I didn't understand. When I realized she wasn't going to elaborate on the simple statement, I pressed further, hoping she would continue. "It is your Suna name, yes." I tilted my head at her. What was this about? What was bothering her?

She sighed. Her eyes narrowed some. "I can't be Naruto anymore Gaara. The Naruto the world knows died and I have to let him."

But it wasn't Naruto who died. I felt the confusion rise in me. Was she having the same issue I had been having? I wanted to confirm my thoughts. I didn't want to, but I had to. "Why?" Again, not what I meant to say.

"Damn it Gaara. Do you think that decision was easy for me? You think I don't... Do you think I want to..."

I couldn't keep the mask up. This was exactly what I thought it meant. She was letting go of what she used to be. I had to let go. I didn't want to. I wanted to. I had to. I wanted to keep... I had to... Her hand grasped onto mine and I stiffened. I wasn't ready. I shouldn't have done this. I had to go. I had to stay.

I needed to-

"Don't. It's ok, alright Gaara?" Her voice was quick, pleading. "We still know it's me, it's just..." She trailed off.

"I..." I had no idea what to say. I can't let you go. I wasn't ready. There wasn't enough warning. I wasn't prepared to deal with this, any of this. I wasn't prepared to become a father. A husband. I wasn't prepared to care for a wife. These thoughts were the ones I couldn't keep out of my mind, the ones which always tended to me having a panic attack. I needed to talk to her, and panic attacks were simply not conducive to meaningful conversation. No matter how terrible I was while attempting to speak at the moment. In an attempt to clear my mind I pulled myself from the bed with sand. Quick. There was no backing out of the decision to put some space between us, though I wanted to stay near.

The movement seemed to edge her on. Had my movement worried her? "Hey Gaara, look, I just can't be who I was. I'm not going anywhere, I am still who I always was, it's just..."

"Not the same." I had to speak. It was the only thing I could think of to say. They were the wrong words. It brought back everything I had been thinking about. _Not the same._ It could never be the same. Never. She didn't have Kurama, her chakra would be enough to make one or two clones in time, but she would never be a ninja again. I didn't want to tell her. I need her, I have to have her, she was gone, she was here. I can't breathe.

"What isn't the same?"

I can't breathe. My heart sped up and my head felt light. No. Not here. I can't do this in front of her. My body began to tremble and my legs gave out beneath me. My mind was mostly blank. How could we do this? How could we move forward?

"Gaara?" Her voice sounded distant to me, but was a reminder she was there.

Can't. Can't let her see. I pulled on the sand. Pulled it towards my body. Hide. I needed to hide. I wouldn't leave. But... "Never..." The Naruto I fell in love with was gone. "I..." I pulled more to me. The bright eyes, ridiculously dressed boy who annoyed me, understood me, stood up for me, he was gone.

My heart twisted and "Damn it!" Close. The word was followed by movement and all I seen was a mess of limbs and blonde hair falling in front of me.

 _Protect._ Without thought, I formed the sand I was pulling to encase myself in into a small platform. She landed on it with a soft 'wump'. I took a breath. What was she doing? Why was she attempting to walk when she knew her legs couldn't... I swallowed. Oh. I closed my eyes and breathed in through my nose.

I felt... Oddly better. My heart still raced, but at least it felt as though I could breathe again. She straightened herself out and looked at me. I needed to speak. "It isn't possible to go back to what we were." A statement. A truth. I had thought about it. I felt guilty for wanting it this way. I hoped she could hear me, because I wasn't sure how great my voice was working.

"Yeah, pretty sure that went away the moment my wish came true." The deadpan statement was followed by a half laugh. One which wasn't filled with humor.

There was no humor in it. Was she trying to be funny? I didn't understand it. Wait. The wish. My stomach twisted. She wanted this. She actually asked for this. To be with me. Wish. A wish for... A wish to be with me. To be with me in the way I was just thinking about a few short moments ago. I was so close. I could have had her, just a small shift, and her legs would have been around me and- A twinge of sensation made the desire for her known to my body and my heart shot up to my throat.

Any signs of my panic attack left me and I looked away from her. I hoped she couldn't tell what I was thinking. I needed to figure out a way to control this. I thought, for a moment, the memory of her giving birth, the kiss leading into it would stave off this feeling.

I was wrong. In her presence, my body just reacted. Again, how did normal people deal with this? If this desire was as strong in others, how were the population levels not at more of an increased rate?

Unless, of course, I wasn't.... I grabbed Naruto with my sand and moved her back to the bed. Stop thinking. I needed to stop thinking.

"You use that stuff for everything, don't you?"

Probably, yes. It was like an extra limb. I felt it, it was there, so why not? I took a breath. It was getting brighter in the room. What time was it? Wasn't there supposed to be a delivery in the morning? I looked to the door. Looking at it was pointless, as though Kankuro would suddenly appear with the delivered item just as I was thinking about it. I returned my gaze to my wife. Wife. My wife.

A shadow passed on her face and a frown formed on her lips. "If you want to go, just go."

I stiffened. I forced my face to blank. Did she not want me here anymore? A sharp pain edged into my heart and I asked it. "You desire me to?"

She groaned. "You know, for being the Kazekage, you're pretty dense."

I allowed my emotion show on my face. I didn't follow. Did it mean yes, or no? Why couldn't people be more clear? I should be more clear. I decided I was going to take it as 'no, don't leave'. I neared the bed. I wanted to sit next to her, closer to her. It would be too dangerous though, with the heat of my earlier thoughts still lingering about in my abdomen. Instead, I lifted myself up with sand and created a platform just beyond the bed, as though it were an extension. There. Close. Intimate. Yet, not to the point I was close enough I could maul her by accident.

I wanted to understand her better. Other than the moment in the cave, the small amount of time I spent with her just before Kimi, how often did we actually speak? "We don't speak often." Explanation. She wasn't used to the way I worked, not in the everyday. I could speak politics, but usually our personal meetings were more of Naruto ranting on about something then we would part until the next time.

The look on her face was one I didn't recognize. "I don't think I follow you." Confusion? I would have to remember this.

I let out my breath. This was new. It was usually me who became confused with things. "Other than this year, how often did we talk?"

"We talked all the time." The answer was quick, without thought. "Well, since I became Hokage, I did have about ten years I didn't really see you, but we..." She trailed off. Then, her face twisted and her eyes widened. "Yeah, we didn't. Not since back then, did we?"

I hummed. Leave it to Naruto to come to a conclusion by thinking out loud. Though, what had created such an expression on her face?

In an instant her face fell and she twisted, her head moving up to look at the spiral I had drawn on the ceiling. What was wrong? Had I said something? should I have said something? "I'm sorry. Damn, I'm really sorry, Gaara." Her arms moved up and she covered the bright in her eyes with her arm.

"Why?" I didn't understand. What did she have to be sorry about?

She was still. I needed to know. What happened? Was she having a panic attack?

I leaned forward, pushing myself closer to her and grabbed her wrist and pulled her arm from her face. _Look at me._ She kept her eyes trained upward. "You..." I wanted to say something. Anything. I wanted to see her smile. I wanted to make everything ok. I wanted to-

"I never wanted to hurt you." Tears slid down her cheek with the words and my chest tightened.

Hurt me? She had no idea. "Don't." I moved my hand to her cheek where the small drop of liquid trailed down and I shivered at the cool sensation it left on my skin. Skin. I still had my sand gone from there. I brought my hand down and stared at it. It glistened on my fingertip. This... "Your tears, they are unnecessary." I spoke it to the tear I was holding. I didn't understand. How had she hurt me? I wasn't hurt. The thought of losing her hurt, yes, but everything was simply because I was not good at this. Not because of that. Never because of that. I should explain. If anyone should be apologizing for hurting the other, it was me. I forced myself to look beyond the tear. The one I caused her to have. I needed to speak. I steeled my nerves and looked up, realizing she was looking back at me as well. Now or never. "I'm not good with this. Personal." I dropped the hand which contained the stray tear and straighted my back. This was it. The conversation I knew had to happen. "I want to be better." I closed my eyes. More. I had to explain. I had to express myself. I hate this. "I need to say, I have to..." I trailed off. Words. I needed words. Why couldn't I have worked through this during the many hours before she woke up instead of rearranging the room? I took a deep breath. Truth. I could just say the truth. "Our situation is highly unconventional, yet welcome." Understand. Please understand.

Her lips pursed a moment, then she swallowed. "Gaara?"

She wanted me to elaborate. I was closer to her now. The odd feeling which had been plaguing me returned. Warm. It felt warm. Her eyes searched mine. "Naruto." I leaned forward and brushed my fingers through her hair, the touch sent a shiver down my spine and I heard her breath catch. This person, the one in front of me, I wondered if she knew I would end the world for her to stay by my side? I felt possessive of her. She is mine. I wouldn't share her, I would never let her go. In two months, I hoped to show her, personally, how welcome I found her presence. The warmth in my chest spread. Yes, in two months. I want her. I need her. I had two days. I needed to let her know what she truly meant to me. What everything meant to me. I wasn't sure I could put it into words, but I was going to try.

"Since the day we fought and you showed me the light, I have only wanted to be something like yourself. You showed me I could carve my own path, be something more than a weapon." She was too far away. I needed her closer. I had to touch her. Rules be damned, they gave me a pass anyway. I gathered my sand around her body and pulled her to me. I cupped her cheek. _Kiss._ I wanted to kiss her. It would be easy, in this position. To feel the heat, to feed the need for her. To taste her skin, to lose my mind in sensation. It would be too much, but I craved it. I didn't understand why.

She swallowed and I could feel her muscles move as she did. "Gaara..." My name was nothing more than a whisper and it reminded me of when Kimi happened. When she whispered my name before. Naruto, but not. The voice, it was different, yet the same. It held a quality I recognized, but it was higher, more feminine.

Oh, but the memory it induced. The feeling in my abdomen intensified and my entire body shivered with the memory. How could I show it without recreating the moment? I want her. Yes. The council gave me free reign and on a technicality, I could explore this sensation if I so desired. I wanted more. I wanted to be prepared for it. I wanted it to be on purpose, unlike before. Intentional. I wanted to show her where my mind was, but I knew I couldn't say it without losing my nerve. I leaned forward and pressed my forehead to hers. Know what I am thinking. Make the connection.

When I heard a small gasp, I knew I was successful. I closed my eyes. Warm. So warm. I love her. I _love_ her. "You. You are the only one I could ever choose. You gave me more than I could ask for. You have become my wife, you gave me a child." The words sparked another wave of need and I used my sand to pull myself away from her. I wanted to wait. I wanted to have her. My emotions warred with which option to take, but I chose the more logical course. I was doing this for Kimi. I had asked for the reprieve for our daughter, not so I could satisfy a need. I placed myself on the ground but I hunched over the bed. No. I wasn't done. I needed her to know, to understand. What I had poured into my proposal, the things I felt. It was more. I needed her to understand. Understand fully what I meant. My heart twisted. I could do this. "I loved you, before I understood what the feeling was." Let go, embrace what she is, what we are. The things to come. "My Kisarei." It was hard to say and I moved, looking away from her afraid what might show on my face. Kimi. Clear my mind. I was too far to backtrack. This was the moment, the moment we started.

She was sleeping still, but I knew this must happen. So I reached in. I wrapped my hands around her tiny body and lifted her to my chest, cradling her in my arms. So small. This little creature was made inside my wife. I still found it hard to believe. The red hair and her eyes made it obvious I was the one to plant the seed in her mother. I moved to the bed.

Don't think about such things.

Yet... I sat on the bed next to her, not caring about our proximity. For this to work, I had to be. With her in my arms, I would never act on what my body wanted. I tested my resolve by letting myself think about how this tiny person was made. This little person. Our Kimi. "We made this." I couldn't stop the smile which followed the statement. I didn't care.

When she didn't respond I looked up to her. Her smile was wide. Genuine.

The feeling in my stomach returned. I wonder.

I wonder if this feeling is what happiness felt like? I took a breath. Would she know? I couldn't help but think she at least knew the feeling. She was always so bright. All of it couldn't be faked. Could it? I shifted. "What does happy feel like?"

She stiffened. Was it wrong of me to ask? Her eyes widened.

I looked down to Kimi. I shifted her weight in my arms to free one of my hands and brushed my thumb across her cheek, over the marks which matched her mother's. I wanted to apologize for the question, but it was one I wanted the answer to. I had meant it. Happiness, true happiness, I did not know. I had moment, yes. Like, I was sure I was happy when she said yes to my proposal. When I found out she survived the war. When...

"What... What kind of question is that?" She stumbled on her words and her hand latched onto my arm, near my shoulder.

I stared at Kimi. "Is it a bad question?"

The hand on my arm squeezed. "No. It's not, just unexpected. Happy? I mean, you don't know, really?"

I looked up to her, then tilted my head. "I do not know. Before you, I only defended myself and killed those who did not acknowledge I was stronger or..." Other things. Like sneeze, or look at me, or eat something I didn't like, or walk by when I was in a mood. I figured it might be best to leave out the 'everything else' from the sentence.

"I don't know if I can explain it, I mean, I've seen you smile."

I felt the tightness return to my forehead, between my brows. "There are things I could explain as happy memories. Better memories. How happy is supposed to feel, I am unsure of. There are many emotions I cannot define." I looked down to Kimi. "I think how I feel for her is love. But, it's different from what I feel for Temari and Kankuro, and even you. I don't understand. Shouldn't there be different words for these emotions?"

"Yeah, maybe." Her hand slid down my arm and then a weight replaced the hand. I looked to my shoulder to see she had leaned on me. "Hey, why did you ask anyway?"

"You didn't answer." When she didn't move or respond I took a breath. "I have been getting an odd feeling in my stomach and chest. I was curious if it was the cause."

"Odd feeling?" The question was followed by a frown. Worry?

I didn't want to elaborate. I didn't know how to elaborate. "When Kankuro comes, I think I will have him bring us ice cream."

She stared at me. Then, she laughed.

I still didn't know what was so funny about ice cream.


	42. Kimi

  


**Kisarei**

After mentioning the ice cream, Gaara fell silent again. I still wanted him to talk, explain about what he meant by the odd feeling he'd been having. At least he was here. Near me. I was still half laying on him. It was a bit uncomfortable, even through his shirt I could tell his arm was covered in sand. Freaking hard. I didn't care. He was so damn close I could actually touch him.

He also was holding onto my baby. Our baby. I smiled down at her. She was still sleeping. I wondered how long before she woke up. I glanced up at her father. Still looking at the door. At least I knew it wasn't because he wanted to leave, he seemed to want to be here. So what was he expecting? Rather, what was Kankuro bringing which made him so anxious as to constantly stare at the damn door?

I wanted to touch her. My little girl. My hand hovered over her and stilled. The last time I touched her, she went primal on me. What if she did the same thing again? My heart lurched to my throat and I dropped my hand to my side. What if she was afraid of me? If it was her, the sand, her little mind thought I was a threat to her.

Gaara shifted, but I didn't look away from her. She felt safe with him. I smiled. If she felt safe with him, then I would be happy. Maybe she would come to trust me. I studied her face. It was easier to see without her crying. Her cheeks were a little chubby, and the thick black around her eyes matched her father's. So, it came with the ability, huh? "She's so calm."

He shifted again. "She's asleep." His voice was low, the vibration of it was so close to my ear I shivered from it.

Damn. I forgot what his voice could do to me. I swallowed. A year ago, I would have laughed it off. _Naruto, you idiot, he's your best friend. You're being weird again._ I smirked. Yeah, a year ago I would have laughed so damn hard at the idea of turning into a girl, abandoning everything I ever had to marry the guy and have his kid.

I had no doubt the suggestion would have put more stupid fantasies about him in my head though. I groaned and leaned back. I was hopeless when it came to him, wasn't I? I gave a small laugh before I could stop it and Gaara stiffened beside me. He was still a moment, then he moved away from me. He stood from the bed and I frowned.

Idiot. I scared him off. I held my hands over my mouth as soon as I compared him in my mind to a skittish forest animal. Don't laugh, Naruto, you idiot.

Kisarei. Hell. I needed to move past this. I couldn't expect everyone else to call me a different name if I couldn't get used to it yet. A new name. The name Gaara chose specifically for me.

He went to the door and opened it. My breath caught for a moment before he closed it again, a small frown on his lips. He looked back to me and his face went blank again. He looked down to our daughter and a wrinkle formed between his brows.

Sand crawled across the floor, up his legs and formed between his hands and the baby. Once a visible layer was there, her stepped away from her, the sand continuing to collect around her, forming a sort of bassinet. I stared at it.

I didn't notice when he neared the bed again. I startled when his hand touched my arm. I looked up at him. "You really do use that stuff for everything, don't you?"

His face didn't change, and once again he didn't answer the question. Instead, he leaned over the bed and his hand went to my cheek. I shivered when his palm, his bare fucking palm cupped my face and his thumb traced over my lips. What was he thinking? I stiffened as my own desire to kiss him intensified. Well, probably that. I swallowed. "Gaara?" Say something, damn it. Why did he have to always be so quiet?

"Forgive me?"

Not what I was expecting him to say. "For what?"

He didn't respond, instead, I lurched forward, carried off by sand to the end of the bed. "Fuck, the hell? Gaara? Put me down, will ya?" I grasped at the sand around my torso, but stilled when a small, fussing type of sound came from the sand bassinet thing Gaara put my baby in. I looked at it, then gasped when I was moved again, back into bed.

Against something lumpy and warm. I stiffened. The mass behind me shifted and I could see his knees to either side of me, his legs nearly tangled with my own. "Gaara?" I whispered it this time. What was he doing? His hands slithered across my sides, then around my waist until his arms crossed around my body. His head came down and rested in the crook of my neck and I focused on my breathing.

He flattened his hands and tightened his hold on me. Almost painful, but the way he held me I felt safe. It was an odd feeling. Usually, it was me who did the protecting. Me who stood firm to ensure everything was alright. There were only a few times in my memory others came to my rescue. Sasuke, Hinata.

Gaara. He had come to my rescue on more than one occasion, consistent in his desire to ensure I kept living. Maybe I should have recognized the possibility he had deeper feelings for me as well.

After a minute, I relaxed back into him, letting him hold me. This felt weird. I still wasn't used to taking the 'girl' position yet, and this, this was extremely girly. Then again, I was a girl. Still so damn weird. I still hadn't managed to check myself out _down there_. It was the last thing left for me. I knew it had to be gone, considering I could remember shoving the thing across the room from me out through my body. Still, it creeped me out.

My dick was gone. I wasn't going to be getting it back, either. Instead... I pressed my legs as tight as they could get. Wow, what a thing to be thinking about, you nitwit. While the guy you're married to is holding onto you as though you're just going to bolt the second he lets go. I took a breath. I needed to get over it, like I wanted him to get over it. My dick was a small price to pay in order to have this. I think. Maybe.

Still, it was fucking weird. But...

A chance with him, to have our daughter. I didn't know what kind of life it would be yet, but I did know I wasn't happy where I used to be. Maybe, just maybe, I could be happy here. Even if I had to become someone new, someone who didn't fight. I crossed my arms over his and held onto him. Honestly, he was always the stronger of the two of us. I just became as strong as I needed to be when we were kids.

We were different now, and I knew, even in my old state, he could probably kill me if he actually wanted to. I smiled. No. He wouldn't kill me. I managed to make him mine. Officially. There were documents to prove it.

There was also a small living thing to prove we were together, at least once. Suna would know. I wonder if he let them know of her yet? I frowned. Was he hiding her? Me?

He didn't actually plan on locking me up here all my life, did he? The sick part of the thought was, I could see him do it, too. I swallowed, if I broke this silence, if I asked him I might scare him off again.

I closed my eyes. Gaara. He was holding me. The untouchable, sand covered man who many feared was allowing me next to him. I let myself just feel. His breath was warm on my neck. Alive.

Alive, and I would be here with him. Everything felt surreal. It would be a lie if I said I didn't miss my old life. Hinata, the kids, they were my everything. What I lived for. What I neglected because they were more than I deserved. My stomach lurched at the thought.

My kids. If they ever found out what I've done, I had no idea what to tell them. I gripped onto him tighter. Stop thinking, relish the moment. I had no idea when he might get in this sort of mood again. Could have been a fluke, and it might never happen again.

So stop thinking about your past marriage, and focus on the one you're in now.

Forever. I cleared my throat. Damn it. "Does anyone know about her yet?" My throat was tight. I didn't want to end the moment. I just couldn't keep my thoughts from straying to a place I didn't want them to.

He was silent, then a shiver went down my spine as he hummed into my neck. I gasped at the feeling. My mind blanked. "The ceremony was scheduled by the council a week after her birth." His voice was low, almost acidic.

I almost didn't catch the words. I shifted as my heart raced as an odd ticklish feeling erupted in an odd place. I stiffened and my eyes widened in realization. Whoa. Weird. His hands slid some on my skin and a shock of shivers erupted from the place. "The council knows about her then?" My voice squeaked with the words. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. For the sake of everything sacred, what the hell? I drew in a shaky breath.

"Yes." Deep. Low. I had a bit of a desire left over from my clone, but this. This was fucking intense.

This was different from anything I had felt before. With Hinata. In the cave. _Ever_. I cleared my throat.

"So does everyone in Suna."

Everyone? He leaned back some, and I lost the warmth of his breath, his arms didn't press so tight to me. "And me?" I didn't want to ask. I did it without thinking.

He was silent then took a breath. Followed by more silence.

"Gaara?"

He shifted, then moved his hands from my arms. I went to protest, but then I noticed what he was doing. Sand moved up under my arms to separate me from him and he pressed tighter to me from behind. Alright, I had no idea what the hell he was doing.

"What are you-"

"Shh." The sound was close to my ear and the breath sent another shiver down my spine.

Ok, I can be quiet. For a minute. I took a breath through my nose. A movement caught my eye and I looked to the bassinet. It was coming closer, the sand holding it up gone. My heart caught in my throat. He was bringing our daughter to us. "What-"

"Shh." The sound was louder this time, more forceful.

I stiffened, and the sand fell away from the baby except a small bundle of it, then... I froze as the bundle of sand was plopped in my arms and I shifted to hold the weight of it. Fucking heavy. Then, the sand shifted away and soon I found myself with a bundle of tiny baby in my arms. My breath hitched. She's in my arms. I'm holding her. His arms returned to mine and helped me hold her weight, shifting my holding position some.

I didn't pay him any attention. Baby. It was all I could think of. She... She's so beautiful. So tiny. I could see her eyelashes at this angle. Eyelashes. I wondered if she would have eyebrows when she grew older. I always thought it an odd condition, but it was Gaara. Part of him. If he suddenly sported the things, I am sure I would laugh harder than I had as a kid when I noticed he didn't have any. I studied her face.

Her hair, the bits of her I could see. I smiled at the hair. Red. Brighter than her father's. The fuzz was so bright it almost was an orange. I smiled at the fact my daughter would have my favorite color for her hair. Almost. It was more of a red, but with the light hitting it the way it was, it was very close.

Gaara shifted his weight and a hand came up to brush at her hair then his thumb passed over the marks on her cheeks. Like mine. Exactly like mine.

My stomach lurched. _Kurama._ The one, simple movement made me remember. I gave life to this small being in my arms, but I killed him in the process. It made me feel sick. I swallowed. "Gaara, I-" The door slammed open, and the small person in my arms began to fuss. I ignored what was at the door. "Shh, it's ok, I'm here. Please, you can trust me, ok?" Small whines came from her mouth, her hands and arms jerked into motion.

A small growl came from behind me and I was shifted forward, then was back on the bed but without my warm lumpy seat. I looked up to see Gaara heading towards the door where Kankuro stood. Kankuro whispered something to Gaara which caused him to cross his arms. He said something I couldn't make out, then looked back to me. The crease between his brow evident and he pressed a finger there. His shoulders heaved with a deep breath, then more words I couldn't make out.

"Why?" Gaara half yelled the word and Kankuro held up his hands.

"Beats me." Kankuro looked past Gaara and gave a small wave. "Hey."

I stared at him. My baby was starting to cry. It was beginning to freak me out and I didn't know what to do. What if she started to wail and the sand went bonkers. Thanks to Gaara, there seemed to be a ton of it in the room right now. I swallowed. "Gaara." I meant to call him but my voice came out as a squeak.

I let out a breath I didn't know I held when he looked back and his eyes locked on our daughter. Kankuro went forgotten and he swooped in on her, his fingers brushed at the skin on her forehead. "Shh, it's alright little one. This is your mother, you will be fine. I promise." He leaned in and I stared at him. His voice was soft, comforting and none of the words he said next made any sense, but she calmed. Her eyes dried and were wide, focused on him. He...

He was really kinda good at this. He lowered a finger to her hand and tiny fingers grasped on. A small smile teased at the edge of his mouth. _What does happy feel like?_

My heart swelled. Hell with everything. I was meant to give this tiny person to him. Happy. Had he never placed the emotion before? Really? If our daughter did that for him, everything was worth it. Everything. Hinata, my position, my kids, my gender, my identity. For Gaara, I would figure this shit out, I would become the person he needed, the person our daughter and Suna needed.

I remembered my decision from months ago. What would I give for Gaara? _Everything else._ I meant it then. I felt the same way now, this one smile confirmed it. His eyes shifted up to me. His face went blank. He stood and removed his finger from our daughter's grasp. "Kankuro, stay." He swivelled and was out the door before either of us could protest.

"Damn. I'd hate to be her right now." He said it to the door before he closed it. He came to the bed, sat on it and offered his hand to my baby who grasped onto it with a small coo. Seriously? She was fine with this guy and not me?

I stared at him. What was going on? "Who exactly?" I glared at him.

"That girl Shinki's been hanging around lately. She's holding the delivery guy hostage until she talks to Gaara. Considering Shinki's taken a liking to her, she could have just asked."

"Oh, that Yumi kid?"

He stiffened. "How do you know about her?"

"Woke up to her in my room once." I smiled down at my daughter who had started to whack at Kankuro with her other hand and looked pleased with herself with the action. I snorted out a laugh.

He didn't pay attention to it. "She..." He trailed off then pushed a hand through his hair. "Why?"

I shrugged. Honestly, I didn't remember. I remembered she asked me about Shinki, and something about me. What was it again? My baby moved and I focused on her, her tiny hands grasped at the air and-

"Did she say anything?"

"Yeah, we talked." I didn't feel like talking to him. My daughter was in my arms, calm. I wanted to savor the moment.

He groaned. "About what?"

"I don't know, lemme think, will ya?" My voice was louder than I intended it to be and a small cry came from my baby. I winced. Damn him, like I care about her right now other than the fact she made Gaara leave me alone with our baby. I gave her my full attention. "I'm sorry, baby." I froze. I didn't even know her name. All of Suna probably fucking knows, but I, her mother, have no damned idea. Her cries continued and I felt sick. How do I comfort her? My stomach twisted and threatened to come up my throat. Hinata always was the one to get Boruto to stop crying. She was the one to fix things, make it better. She would always snatch him away from me when he fussed or cried or... I didn't really remember Himawari crying and... I swallowed. _I have no idea what I am doing_. I had two kids before her, and I still had no freaking idea how to be a decent parent.

I didn't resist when Kankuro swiped her from my arms and bounced her some. She cries weakened followed by hiccups. I felt numb. I couldn't even console my own baby. Mine. I should know what to do, I should be able to figure out how to make her happy, to figure out what she needed. I stared at the door. Gaara was down talking with the girl. Yumi. I remembered her name. I shifted and soon, my baby calmed. I groaned. I had to know, know how he calmed her. "How the hell did you do it?"

Kankuro looked over to me, his brows pursed together. "Huh?"

"Calm her down, how did you do it?"

He stared at me, then smiled. "Oh, that." He bent down and carefully handed her back to me. "If he comes back and I'm holding her, I'm a dead man."

"Isn't an answer." I said it under my breath. She was calm again. I didn't want to ruin it.

"Don't have one. She's used to me more I think." He shrugged and I shot him a glare.

"Even though Gaara seems mad at you?" I smirked at him. Throw it back at him. I hated the fact he had bonded with my own daughter more than I had been able to.

His shoulders shifted back and I could see the muscles tighten in his neck. He looked away from me.

From the angle I was in, the muscles spasmed. I sighed. "Hey, Kankuro, I didn't mean-"

"Shinki." His voice was so low I almost didn't hear him, but I was sure it was what he said.

I frowned at him. That didn't make any freaking sense. What would Shinki have to do with Gaara being mad at him? "What about?" Shinki. Boy. Oh. "Oh! I remember, she was looking for a picture of a boy, her uncle I think." I smiled at him, feeling oddly triumphant for remembering it.

He looked back over his shoulder, his face clouded. "Gaara wouldn't have some picture of a boy he killed ages ago." My daughter started to make sounds and it made him groan. "Gaara didn't happen to say if it was close to her feeding time, or changing, or..." He trailed off and placed his finger at her hand again only to have her cry more. "Damn it. He always leaves me here when something either happens or needs to be done."

I snorted. Well, maybe he wasn't as close to her as I originally thought. "Wouldn't you know?"

He relaxed, the tension visibly leaving his shoulders. "Nah, he keeps the kid most of the time. Possessive, like usual. Anything he claims as his usually goes through a period nobody can get near it. There was a bird when he was little, then later this thing named spike." He shuddered. "The one and only time I was happy Gaara killed something by accident." He pointed a finger at me. "And never repeat that."

I stared at him. Spike? How much about Gaara did I not know? I swallowed. Almost everything. I really didn't know much about him. Just that he was insane when I met him then calmed down. The fact we both had something in common nobody else shared and only we could understand entirely. It was enough for me to fall in love with him, but I didn't know much else. I just don't know Gaara well.

Kankuro sighed and sat back down on the bed. "It might take a while to get everything down. You've got a better shot at it than anyone, you know."

"What?"

"You said you didn't know him well." He shrugged.

I said that out loud? "Oh." She started to cry more and I mimicked what Gaara had done before he left. I shifted her in my arms and stroked her cheek with my thumb. "Shh, everything is alright. Your dad will be back soon, ok?" Oddly enough, it seemed to work. I sighed in relief and realized Kankuro was staring at me with the oddest look on his face. I scrunched up my nose. "What?"

"That just... It's weird. Gaara's a dad, it just feels... off somehow." He held up his hand. "Not bad, just off. I mean, he was written off as impotent years ago so, yeah."

I decided to drop it there. Instead, I wanted to pry more into the girl. "You're right, why would Gaara keep a picture? She said he recognized him and took it from her."

He shoved off from the bed. "Gaara doesn't recognize people from back then." He reached up and pulled the hood up over his head. "Naruto..." He trailed off, then took a deep breath. "Gaara... Gaara was worse than you know. If he ever confides in it... in you... just..." His voice thinned out in a half choke.

I looked down to our daughter. I swallowed. His past. What all happened they were afraid to tell me? I mean, the guy literally had bones in his dresser drawers. "Yeah, I know." I didn't, but it didn't matter. He was my husband now, the father of this tiny person.

Maybe, just maybe, I could give him another one. Just to see that smile. To do it right. To actually enjoy the whole process, but...

Could I actually do that again? I couldn't even walk. I took a breath and focused on my daughter. My tiny, living daughter. I did it. I was able to give her life. I lived through it. I was holding her in my arms.

And now, it was everything I had planned for, everything I hoped for.

Now what? I had no idea. I felt heavy, yet light at the same time.

I didn't feel like talking anymore.

Thankfully, I don't think Kankuro did either. We sat in silence, but for an increasingly fussy baby, every time I would use the same trick of promising her Gaara would return. It worked. For a few minutes, but it worked.

The door slammed open a small while later and Kankuro half jumped off the bed and scurried across the room. I half laughed at his reaction before I noticed the girl at the door.

She smiled wide and gave a small wave before stepping into my room. What was she doing here? Again? Soon, she was followed by a blank faced Gaara, his shoulders were stiff and I could tell he was probably irritated by her intrusion. He set something down on a table near the door, his eyes glued to the girl who entered the room.

"Hey Lady Kisarei, Lord Kankuro." She swivelled on her feet and sat in the chair Gaara had taken a liking to near the window.

I stared at her. What happened to my time with Gaara? I wanted more of it. If this girl was the reason I lost my one chance to get him to calm the hell down, I was going to kill her. I had no idea how I would manage it because I'm halfway sure she could topple me with a finger, but hell, I would figure it out.

I seriously don't care if Shinki had a thing for her. I don't.

Gaara stood next to the bed, then sat down on the very edge of it, stiff. His eyes didn't leave her. "Kisarei, Kankuro." His voice was low and I noticed his skin move around on his neck.

I swallowed. He's irritated, probably to a point of running away again sort of irritated. I risked placing a hand on his arm. He flinched, then looked back at me. Then our child. He kept his eyes on her whiled he spoke.

"Yumi will be seeking asylum. I will allow her here within our household until a secure residence is found." His head turned to face her. "Soon." His voice was tight.

"You sure that's a great idea?" Kankuro eyed her, a frown on his face.

"Kankuro, see to it she has a room, not the old guest room."

He gave a nod and turned to Yumi. "Alright you, I am pretty sure you aren't welcome in this place. Especially right now." He went to her and tapped her shoulder. She sighed and stood up.

The baby started to cry and I went to try and comfort her again.

"Aw, I think Kimi needs her bottle." Yumi's voice was followed by a gasp from Kankuro. Kimi?

Gaara made a strangled squeaking sound and Kankuro shoved the girl forward. I looked back down to her. Kimi? I felt a small smile play at my lips. _Kimi._

Soon, there was a small roar and the door was completely covered in sand. I stared at him. Was it really necessary? I didn't care. Considering Gaara's reaction, the name the girl spoke was probably right. Kimi. My daughter's name is Kimi. "Kimi." I whispered it and I smiled.


	43. Foiled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note
> 
> Yay, moving forward! I am getting closer to the end of this part in the series, so I hope you continue to enjoy, and will continue on to the next. I have settled on the title for the next one as 'Bearable Weight of Ink' and will let you ponder why it's called ink ;)
> 
> As always comments/reviews serve to inspire <3

 

**Gaara**

I opened the door and looked out. I was supposed to have a delivery this morning. It was past the time it was supposed to arrive. What was taking them so long? Did they not realize how important this was? The recording was of Kimi's naming ceremony and it was how I chose to tell my wife of her name. Though, I was not ready for the obvious questions which would follow after her seeing it, the ceremony itself was mostly worth the exposure of one of my more sensitive incidents. I frowned and closed the door again. Nothing. I looked back to my Naruto, my Kisarei. My wife. _Wife._ We were married. We were in the process of getting married. I forced my face blank and looked down to my daughter who was sleeping in my arms.

My stomach twisted. I waited too long before I allowed myself near her mother. I wanted time. I had two days, and as long as I didn't go too far, I could feed this strange need for touch. I couldn't feed the need if I were holding onto her. I felt torn. Hold onto Kimi and give her mother the much needed time with her she needed, or put her down and give myself some much needed time with her mother. My stomach twisted.

She was asleep. What was a few minutes? I could indulge in a few more precious moments with her, couldn't I? Before I lost the ability to be near her again, before my two months of trial. The day after tomorrow, I would no longer be allowed any closer than three feet from her. Under the watchful eye of an appointed guardian who likely would be the random girl I met at the diner.

I shifted my eyes to _her._ My wife. _Wife._ The very thought sent a strange ticklish sensation through my chest. I made my decision. Me first. Selfish. I pulled the sand to me, formed it around my Kimi and made a small bassinet. I could take her to the other one, but if she woke I wanted easy access to her. This, and it would be quicker than walking across the room and I didn't feel like doing it. Once I was sure she was fully secure I dropped my hands and stepped away. I continued to solidify the sand around my baby and I neared the bed. Kisarei. My heart twisted. She's mine. She's in my bed, _my_ bed. I swallowed and leaned towards her. Her eyes were still on our child. _Look at me. Only at me._ The words were stuck inside my throat and I reached out to touch her arm. Pay attention to me.

The method worked and her eyes shifted to me after a small jump. I must have startled her. Had her senses dulled so low as not to notice me approach?

Her voice interrupted thought. "You really use that stuff for everything, don't you?"

The words were pointless, as was the question. I chose not to answer. Answering such a question was unnecessary. I had a feeling it would be asked again when she noticed how much I did in fact use my sand behind closed doors. I used it less outside. This was not something I wanted to talk about. No, I had better things on my mind. Her eyes were bright, curious. Her lips... Without thought I pressed my hand to her face and traced her lips with my thumb. These lips, the ones which belong to this woman, I would claim them. Soon, I would press my own to them and allow the intense sensation to consume me. Why had I allowed myself to spend so much time away from her? Now, in this moment, I hated myself for it.

Kisarei. Kisarei is the version of Naruto I could keep.

Her breath shortened and I could feel as she swallowed. "Gaara?"

"Forgive me?" For being silent, for keeping my distance, for being me.

"For what?"

Everything. I fought the urge to crush her lips with my own, the desire growing with every passing second. If I were to kiss her, I was not sure I could stop, and if I could not stop then other things might happen. Things I could not forgive myself for. If I lost control, if I had forgotten my sand... I pulled her up off the bed and shoved her forward. I can't look into her eyes. I can't look at those lips. I needed her, I needed to touch her. Maybe, if I were behind her I could curb the desire. Remove the element of sight. I held her upright at the end of the bed, she was dangling towards the edge.

"Fuck, the hell? Gaara?" Hands grasped at the sand and her rant continued.

I maneuvered to the top of the bed while she fussed, making a back rest from the sand. Solid enough to hold both of us. Both. I swallowed. Touch her. I was going to touch her. There was no turning back from this. I was... A sound came from Kimi. I suppressed a groan. Kimi first then. I was still going to touch my wife in this process. I wanted it, and at this exact moment, I didn't care.

I don't care. I pulled her back to me. My Naruto. My Kisarei. Mine. I set her between my knees and leaned her back onto my body. My breath hitched. Even through the sand I could feel her warmth. Her body stiffened and I shifted so she was better positioned. I could feel her heat on my thighs, on my legs.

"Gaara?" The soft question was more than I could handle and I was grateful for my position. I could hold back from what I really wanted to do, and just touch. I slid my hands down her sides, snaking my hands under her arms then up around her middle. My head fell into the crook of her neck. I breathed her in. Her. Mine. Kisarei. Wife. My thoughts jumbled and heat rose in my abdomen.

 _Mine_. I flattened my hands against her, feeling as much of her as I could then pressed her into my body as much as I could without hurting her. I hoped I wasn't hurting her. Was I hurting her? I breathed her in. Naruto. Kisarei. I had to let go of what she used to be, what we used to be. _Mine._ I don't care what the council says. I don't care what anyone says. If I fail the trial in two months, I would organize the marriage anyway. I want her. I need her.

She's mine. She belongs to me.

 _Mine._ Possessive. I never felt it so strong before. I wanted to keep her away from everyone, keep her here or in my new bedroom of the new house I would find us.

I would keep her in bed, keep her with child, keep her- I tightened the sand on my groin and breathed in her scent at the shock of pain it sent. No. Think. Restraint. Clear my mind.

I felt her breathe against my arms. The rise and fall of her ribcage as she drew in and let out breath. Alive. Naruto was to be let go into the past, but Kisarei was Naruto and Kisarei was very much alive. Alive, and very much my very female wife.

I felt her relax and more of her weight fell against me. After a moment, her breath quickened and she shifted. I wondered what she was thinking before her hands came up to my arms and held onto them. Touch. She was touching me. I craved to feel the touch of her fingers on my skin, but I knew it would be more than I could stand. Yet.

I want to withstand more. I want to feel her, her skin, her breath. I want all of it. Could I? Could I do it, with her, willingly? Could I let her body encompass me, could I allow myself such a sensation? The pain in my groin intensified with the thought and I winced.

She cleared her throat. "Does anyone know about her yet?"

Who know about what? I blinked and tried to focus on what she asked. Oh. Kimi. The people. I hummed, unwilling to move just yet. I felt a small shiver come from her. Was this good? I will have to try again. Speak. I needed to speak. I didn't want to. I wanted to keep like this, feel her, touch her skin. "The ceremony was scheduled by the council a week after her birth." Kimi. Not yet. Let it go, I will talk, just not now. Please... I slid my hands down. Skin. I needed her skin. A new wave of shivers erupted from her. I didn't know what they meant.

"The council knows about her then?" Her voice went high with the words. Nervous? Afraid? Her breath was uneven and shook as she drew in breath.

The one simple action made my mind race. Images of her floated in my head. Nude, beautiful, her lips and- "Yes." I growled out the word. Stop the thoughts. Clear my mind. This wasn't good. She cleared her throat. "So does everyone in Suna." The words crashed my mind back down into my body and I leaned back from her. This was not the reason I asked for this time. I wanted it, yes, but I had a lifetime ahead of me.

When I could prepare myself for the onslaught of feelings, sensations and emotions tied to the act of... Of the human mating ritual.

"And me?"

Wedding. My stomach twisted. Two months. Two months and I would need to know what to do for this. This... action. It was vulgar, messy and strange. I always thought the direct description was a disgusting thing, one I never wanted to be part of. I took a breath. No. I was not ready for this. No matter my bodily response to her.

"Gaara?"

I looked up to our baby. Ours. The proof I once was inside her body and left a part of myself behind to spark this tiny life. Proof it was possible for me to partake in such vulgar acts. My stomach twisted. Her creation was an accident. Thoughtless, panicked, needy.

I wanted more. I wanted to be prepared, ready for what was to come. I wanted to be the one who took her to my bed, make my name all she could think of. I wanted to be responsible for creating life inside her body.

I froze at the thought. I shouldn't, but I wanted more. I wanted more children. With her. I needed to research. I clenched my teeth. Yes, I must research how to proceed with this. I did not want to hurt her, I wanted to try to make another one. Another life. Could I do it? I felt my lips twitch and I reached for the one we had already made. I wanted her, yes, but this was what I wanted. More of this. My wife made a sound, but I ignored it. Instead, I pulled Kimi towards us and cushioned my Kisarei's arms with sand. I wanted her to hold her. I wanted her to see what we made.

What we might be capable of making again. I shifted closer to her. I want Kimi to get used to her mother. I had only two days for this to happen. Two short days.

"What are you-"

I hushed her and I could feel my own breath bounce back from her ear. Close. I could taste her from this- My eyes widened and I returned my attention to Kimi. I pulled her to me fully now, dissolving the bassinet, bringing her closer.

"What-"

"Shh." Louder this time. Quiet. Kimi was closer now. All I had to do was... The woman in my arms stiffened as I placed our child in her arms. A small noise came from her then I realized I left the sand on the bottom of her. Habit. _Sorry._ I pulled the sand away, letting her hold the baby without a buffer. Her breath hitched and I noticed she wasn't holding her quite right. I frowned and moved my arms beneath hers to adjust the position. Safe. There. I breathed out.

She was asleep yet, but I had done it. She was holding our child. Naruto, this is our child. Our daughter. Ours. I let her have the moment. Let her take her in. Love her. Love her as much as I love her. I knew I loved her, she was everything. My tiny child. I knew the moment I lost her in a possibility. I knew before she was born. I couldn't resist the urge to touch her and I shifted so I could reach her. I brushed her soft hair with my fingers and pressed my thumb over the marks on her cheek. The obvious thing she inherited from her mother.

How would I tell her? How could I? I knew I had to, before I lost my chance.

"Gaara, I-"

The door slammed open and it made my child wake. I stiffened and shifted my eyes up to the culprit, ignoring the sounds both my child and wife were making in result to the intrusion. This better be the delivery.

Kankuro stood there and held up his hands. "Gaara, we have a situation."

I narrowed my eyes at him. Could he not see I was attempting to bond with my wife? I growled and moved her off of me long enough to move from her. The loss of heat was immediate and I wanted it back. The desire disturbed me. I wanted her touch. I wanted it. This was taking it away from me. I set them back onto the bed and went to him. "Speak." The word was tight. Annoyed. I did not have time for this.

He took a breath. He leaned in to me and whispered. "That girl, Yumi is standing downstairs desiring an audience with you."

I groaned. Did she think me a suitable replacement for Shinki while he was away? Why would I want to see her? She looked too much like her uncle for me to want such a thing. I crossed my arms. "I do not desire a meeting with her. Tell her to return in two days, I have better things to attend to."

He scoffed. "Like molesting your wife?"

I looked back to her. Molesting? Was I molesting her? I felt the tightness between my brows and I pressed my fingers there to press it back into place. I took a breath. "Did she say what she wanted?"

"No idea. But she is holding the delivery guy hostage by pressing a knife to his neck. If you want that video, you probably should deal with it."

I stared at him a moment. "Why?" What could be so important she would hold my video hostage? I bit my cheek, realizing how loud I had said the word.

Kankuro held up his hands again. "Beats me." My traitorous brother looked past me to my wife. "Hey."

A small cry interrupted my anger. _Kimi._

"Gaara." I barely heard it, but the word was there. The look in Naruto's eyes made my heart twist. Fear. Worry. Fix. I had to fix it. I watched our daughter. Her arms pumped and her hands moved. Needy. My heart sank. Make her happy. Fix her. Make everything ok. I went to her brushing my fingers across her forehead. "Shh, it's alright little one. This is your mother, you will be fine. I promise." I leaned in to her. I muttered sweet nothings at her, mostly the made up words I had come to use to comfort her when she seemed to want to hear my voice and I had nothing to say. She calmed and I leaned back. She watched me. Innocent. I want to keep her this way. I brought my fingers to her hand and tiny fingers wrapped around me.

A warmth spread throughout my body and I smiled. How was something so perfect my fate? I looked up to her mother. I forced my face to blank. Stay. I wanted to stay.

I had to deal with the annoyance downstairs. Perhaps I would make it bleed for this. I stood, irritated I had to leave my daughter behind. She needs her mother. The vermin downstairs had a knife. It was safer for her up here, away from whatever lunacy the child was planning on. However, I did not want them alone. My wife was in no condition to protect Kimi, let alone herself.

She might never be.

"Kankuro, stay." I turned on the ball of my foot and left the room. I took the stairs two, three at a time. I hate these stairs.

I should replace them with a slide. It would be amusing, watching others attempt to climb it then. The thought kept me from wanting blood by the time I reached the end of the stairs. I stood there and crossed my arms. The girl stood there, her jaw set. Her knuckles were white on the blade.

"Lord Kazekage. I demand to speak with you."

I stared at her. Demand? "I do not recall caring of other's demands."

Her knife shifted closer to the delivery man's neck, causing him to whimper. "I'll end him if you don't."

I stared at her. Silent. I wanted to smile. This friend of my son's was beginning to interest me. I raised my brows at her. Her? "I never took you to be the sort who killed for profit."

An odd look passed her features. "I..."

Enough. This was annoying me. If it were any other day, I would indulge her, but I had less than two days left to spend with my wife before my trial began and I was not about to eat up my time on this thing. I pulled sand up from behind them. I didn't have time for this game. My fingers twitched on my arm. A familiar want filled me. Kill. Blood. Feel their bones crush. It would be easy. The girl, nobody would notice. Would they? Shinki.

Nobuo. I stiffened. His face flashed in my mind, the one which pleaded for me to stop. I pushed the sand between the man's neck and the blade and forced her from him. I kept my eyes on her. "Leave the delivery on the counter and leave. This matter is of no concern to you."

He muttered words and I heard something clack onto my desk. The door opened then closed. She pulled her hand free from my sand and tossed the blade towards me with all her might. I caught it in my sand easily and shoved it aside. This girl was not stupid enough to attack me with such a maneuver. She had to know it was pointless. She growled, then lurched forward. She hit me on my chest, a groan erupting from her throat, turning into a half cry. She shook out her hand. "Why? Why did you do it?"

I stared at her. Do what? I stiffened. Did she find out about her uncle? My mouth felt dry but she remained silent. Nobuo. It was his name, the name of the one I couldn't kill. "About Nobuo, I..." I trailed off. I had no idea how to tell her. I should tell her. He has family, people, precious things. I took it from him, all of it.

This time, it was her who froze. She looked up to me, her eyes wide. "You do remember him."

I winced and looked away. Not what she was asking. I was not good at reading people. "What were you talking about?"

"Shinki. You sent him to hunt for those people who attacked."

The sand shifted on my body. Sent him? "Do not presume to know what I have done." I narrowed my eyes at her. If I had my way, my son would be locked in his room right now. Instead, he was likely halfway to Konoha by now. My stomach twisted. Maybe they would change their mind. Maybe they would realize how personal a mission this was for him. Maybe Temari would sway the new Hokage...

"Then why would he be going? He said he didn't know when he would be back, he said-" I covered her mouth with sand.

"The new Hokage demanded him." I kept my voice low. "And this is more than you need to know."

She pulled at the sand. She looked like... She... A scream echoed in my head. Blood pouring out his mouth, the look on his face. Panic. Fear. I looked away from her and clutched at the fabric over my heart. I don't like this girl.

"You didn't want him to go." I didn't remember dropping the sand.

I didn't answer. I took a deep breath. Focus. I dropped my hand. "Why would you care?" Change the subject, forget who she reminds me of. "You are part of the rebellion, aren't you? Simply being here and leaving alive could have you killed." I smirked. It was true. They despised us. So much they would go as far as killing members of their own if they felt they were turning just to keep any details of their movement secret. Not that it happened often, and usually I only heard of it. There had never been an incident directly involving my family.

The girl flopped to the ground. "I'm sure it won't be long. Before they notice where I've been going. Before they realize the person I've been sneaking off with is the Kazekage's son." She gave a half laugh. "My family, we lost more than just my uncle to you. There are others, but he was the most prominent of them. They trust me so they don't usually keep tabs but..." She took a deep breath. "They will find out and they will either kill me or use me against him. I won't let them use me. Not like that." Her eyes glistened when she brought them up to me. Something inside me twisted. She wanted to protect my son? "So if you killed me, just now, it wouldn't matter, would it? To be killed by you is expected. I think, by them, it would feel worse. Don't you think?"

I knelt down to her. Did she really want to protect my son? "Shinki. What is he to you?" Before I made any decisions, I had to know.

She took a breath and looked away. She licked her lips. "Can't you just kill me?"

I was still. I felt no need to respond to her. My question stood where it was. No matter my desire to end the girl, I wouldn't. I owed it to Nobuo. For what I had done to him. This girl, she could be my retribution. A small piece of it.

A moment passed before she shifted. "He's a bit odd but, I care for him. Lord Kazekage, I..." Her hands bunched into her clothing.

I twitched my fingers and grasped her chin in my sand, forcing her to look at me. "Asylum would mean to never see your people again." Why was I offering this? The image of Shinki sitting on a bench with her talking flitted through my mind. I frowned. I wonder. "Are your feelings romantic?" I tilted my head at her. Curious. What was she to my son? Was she a friend, or was she more? She was of the opposite gender. They were together often since they met. I wasn't sure how I felt about the possibility, but I was aware it was one.

Her face turned red. "I... I don't know." I stared at her.

I reached out and touched the redness, forgetting my sand was gone. I quickly retreated from her. Hot. Her cheeks were hot. "You are embarrassed?"

She stared at me. A small smile twitched at the side of her mouth. "Shinki laughed at me when I asked him how he could stand living with you when you were so scary to be around. I think I get it now."

I blanked my face and stood up. I turned from her. He laughed when she mentioned I was scary? Did he think it so laughable? Even after he knew what I had done? I decided to ignore the girl and I reached out to grabbed the contraption from my desk. I looked at it a moment. This thing would show the naming ceremony? I held it up to inspect it a moment.

A hand pointed at a small button at the side. "This powers it on and," She moved her finger to a large button at the bottom of it. "This plays what's on it."

I looked over at her and she flashed me a smile. Then, the smile fell. "I'm sorry. I just... I had no idea how to get your attention and..." She trailed off.

I looked back at the thing in my hands, trying to remember what she said to push to activate it. "You are a friend of my son." You are the niece of Nobuo. I left this part out of it. I started to move toward the stairs. "It is something I do not take lightly. Friends. They are hard to find." I froze with the statement. Nobuo. Friend. If I had not injured him, if I hadn't taken everything, would he be my friend? I took a breath. "Yumi." I looked back at her. My stomach twisted.

"Yes?"

I swallowed. My heart beat hard in my chest. I took a breath. For Nobuo. "There is a doctor coming from Konohagakure."

She frowned. Her face scrunched up and she looked up past me. "Your point?"

"She is a friend of my wife." I wasn't good at this.

She mouthed something and pushed past me. Where was she going? "So, where am I going to stay?"

I stared at her, then followed her. "There is no safe house set up yet." I wasn't done talking yet.

"Then I'll stay here."

I froze. What? "I don't recall saying-"

"It's settled then." She looked down at me, flashed me another smile and bounded up the stairs. Past the guest rooms, past... My stomach lurched.

 _Why?_ I bounded up the stairs toward my room after her. Of all the places, why would she head there? Just because it was where I brought her to begin with, did it make it a free for all? Could I not just have a day? Just one day with her?

_Alone._

She slammed the door open and I winced. If she made my baby cry, I would rescind my offer. I glared at her. Then, I trained my face back to it's normal blank. I did not want to let on to my annoyance. The girl called out to my brother and wife and sat down in my chair. My chair. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep myself from reacting.

I eyed my wife and went back to the bed. I sat down on the edge of it, keeping my eyes on the girl. If she tried anything, relation to Nobuo and my son regardless, I would kill her. "Kisarei, Kankuro." Acknowledge. Everything is normal. This girl is nothing strange. She has nothing to do with my childhood, and is safe only because of my son. I withheld a growl.

A hand touched my arm and I flinched. I looked back at who placed it. Kisarei. She was frowning, her brows in a slight purse. I looked down at our daughter. Kimi. I took in a breath. "Yumi will be seeking asylum. I will allow her here within our household until a secure residence is found." When had I agreed to this? I looked back to the girl. "Soon." I stressed it. Her residence here was not a permanent one, and preferably short term.

"You sure that's a great idea?"

I wanted them out. I fisted my hand. My time. With my wife. Mine. "Kankuro, see to it she has a room, not the old guest room." It was Naruto's.

Kankuro nodded. Then, he turned to Yumi. "Alright you, I am pretty sure you aren't welcome in this place. Especially right now." He moved to tap her shoulder.

She gave a visible sigh and stood up.

Kimi started to cry and I looked down when Naruto, my Kisarei shifted our baby in her arms in an attempt to calm her. My heart swelled. Working. Everything was working.

"Aw, I think Kimi needs her bottle."

I froze. _Why?_ I wanted to scream it, but the sound came out as a muffled squeak. Kankuro took the sound as a 'get out of here as quick as possible' noise and was out the door before I could kill her.

Me. It was supposed to be me. I gathered my sand and shoved it against the door, hardening it there. No more intrusions. None. My wife. My baby.

_Mine._

"Kimi." She whispered the name and I shuddered.

I looked down at the smile playing on her lips. I felt sick. I had waited a month. I managed to keep it from her until now, minutes away from the reveal.

When I saw the vermin next, I would gut her. I would pull her insides out and force her to watch. I would play with them, twist them in the sand. Tie them in knots and wait for her to die.

"There are times I don't want to know what you're thinking." Her voice was low, almost acidic.

I blinked and raised a hand to my face. Smile, the one I got when thinking of causing death. I flattened my hand against my mouth to hide it as I worked at blanking my face again. I looked away. This was not a side of me I wanted her to know. It was one I was sure she would eventually figure out.

She sighed. "So. Her name is Kimi, isn't it?"

I ignored the question, not trusting myself with an answer just yet. I swallowed. I needed to feed Kimi. I didn't have anything. I needed to go out and... "The nurses said you have been giving milk for her." I groaned at my own words and looked back at her.

"I... Well, they come and half molest me if that's what you're talking about."

I took a breath, what was I suggesting? "She hasn't eaten in a while, and I didn't bring anything for her to eat." The only option beyond me leaving again was implied.

Naruto visibly stiffened. Her eyes widened and her mouth opened, but no words came.

I cleared my throat and went to stand. I would not force her to do something because I had forgotten my child's formula downstairs. I should have gotten it earlier, but Kimi was sleeping. She slept so long I had forgotten. A hand went to my arm mid motion and I stilled.

"Wait." Her voice was nothing more than a high pitched squeak.

I looked back to her. Her face had turned a deep shade of red and she stared at our daughter. Her fingers dug into the fabric of my sleeve. Her... I stiffened. Grey. Her hand was grey. I hadn't noticed before. I glanced at her other hand which looked normal and then back to the other. Her bandages. They were gone. I grabbed her hand to inspect it. "When..." I trailed off. The different color, I had assumed her bandages were still in place, but I never realized. I had heard the reason for the bandages was the loss of an arm, I had seen the stump once after it happened.

"Gaara." I didn't look up from her hand and the thing twisted in my hand and grasped onto me. "Prosthetic."

I continued to stare at it. I never seen it beyond the bandages. I wasn't sure what was beneath them. I sometimes figured if they came off her entire arm would flop off. I shuddered at the mental image the thought provided. "Why?"

She snorted. "I lost my arm to that loser Sasuke."

I brought my eyes up to meet hers. The bandages. I meant the bandages.

Her smile fell and she returned her eyes to Kimi. She took a breath. "I want to try." Her voice was tight. She was avoiding my question.

It was fine. I was avoiding things as well. We had time. I allowed myself to sit back down on the bed. A lifetime. I had the entire span of a lifetime to explore her and tell her of myself. I breathed in through my nose. This close. I was inches away from the impossible. My wife Kisarei, who once was the person I idolized, and our small impossible daughter.

"I don't have a clue of what I'm supposed to do." She sounded down.

I reached for our daughter. "I do." I met her eyes and the red on her face deepened. I decided I should explain. "They insisted for her health it was essential for her to feed from her mother. She fed this way until they had to switch what they fed you into a more long term sustenance."

She stared at me, her face a bit blank. "Huh?"

I sighed. "They had me learn how to feed her naturally while you were in your coma."

I watched as the realization of what I had said sunk in. Her face went from the confused blank of before to a wide eyed horror. "You messed with me while I was out?"

What? "Messed with?" I didn't understand the question.

"You know, fondled my chest and shit."

Fondle? I tilted my head at her.

A small smile crept onto her face. "Then, I remember who I am talking to." She laughed and moved her arms to the back of her head. The contrast of them were obvious, the grey to the normal skin tone as the outfit she wore slid up her arm at the angle.

I frowned at her. This statement was similar to the one Baki had used when informing me of Temari's eminent departure. "What does it mean? This statement, about remembering who I am?"

The smile fell from her lips. "Really?" She sat up a bit. Her lips pursed and her brow furrow. "Not sure if I can really explain it, but..." She trailed off. She took a breath. "It means I sometimes forget your nature, I think. Like, I am talking to you like your normal."

My stomach twisted. "Oh." Normal. I am not normal.

"Wait, Gaara, I didn't mean it like that, ok? It's just, you don't always get things sometimes. Kankuro, he said you were tested out as impotent, right?"

Kankuro told her about my previous condition? I gave a slow nod, making a mental note to confront him about this. When did he even have the time to tell her? While I was at the meeting? Likely.

She cleared her throat. "Well, I forgot you probably don't have that sort of, how do I say it." She flopped back onto the pillows. "You're probably not that perverted."

Perverted? I thought on the meaning of the word. I frowned. "Wouldn't I be?"

"Huh?" She stared at me a moment, then laughed, making our daughter fuss in my arms. "Oh man, sorry, I just, really?" She used her hand to cover her mouth, stifling the sounds.

I brought Kimi up to my chest and rubbed circles on her back. I felt the space between my brows tighten. "The meaning of perverted is sexually abnormal, is it not?"

She snickered. "Not in the way you're taking it." She propped herself back up. "Means abnormal as in excessive. All ya think about, all you want. It's why I called my godfather the pervy sage, ya know." She tapped the side of her head and gave me a wink.

I swallowed. The way I thought of her lately, it was possible. I shifted and averted my gaze.

"Gaara?"

I didn't want to admit to it. "What happened," My voice cracked, "with Kimi was of no consequence in this way."

She cleared her throat. "So, you still having problems with the whole, ya know, self medicating and crap?"

I felt myself get hotter and I felt the pinch of my embarrassment before it could be heard. Kimi continued to cry. I did not want to talk about this subject while holding onto my daughter. It was inappropriate. "Vulgar."

She sighed. "And there's the Gaara I know." A hand pressed to my arm. "I'm sorry, alright? Can you just... We can probably..." She trailed off.

I bounced the small person in my arms. Her cries more insistent. I nodded. She was hungry. I could tell, I knew this cry. It amazed me, how I could recognize the sound. I took a breath. I stood. "You will need to remove your clothing enough for her to be able to get to your chest easily." Don't think about it. This was natural. Don't look. Kimi needs to eat. Maybe this would help with their connection. I heard a shift of fabric, movement in the corner of my eye. I forced myself to stay still.

"Damn, this seems weird. I don't even remember Hinata doing this."

Hinata. The wife. The ex wife of my wife. I don't want to think about her. It made me think of her as him, and I it was something I wanted to move past.

"Um, now what?"

I breathed in through my nose. In theory, I should be fine. Kimi would latch onto her and feed somehow. In the same manner which she had fed while her mother was in a coma. The substance came from her chest, liquid. How? I was still curious how it came out and was produced. It was an oddity I needed to look up. Also, I knew I had a hard time not thinking of her as a possession to be touched as of late and for some reason her bare chest sparked the heat in my body. "Are you covered?"

Another shift then she cleared her throat. "Yeah."

I breathed out and turned to her. Her shoulders were bare and the blanket from the bed was pulled up over her, revealing only the slight rise of where her breasts lay beneath. Her head was up towards the ceiling, her eyes fixed on something. I looked up. The spiral. I frowned. Was something wrong? I reached out to touch her shoulder and she flinched.

An odd look I couldn't read passed over her features.

I shifted Kimi onto her, moving Naruto's arms up to hold her. Kisarei. I bit the inside of my cheek. After this, I would have to let go. Let go of the thought, the memory. The association of old with new. "Hold her for now."

She gave a slow nod, her eyes still fixated upward. Her hands moved and held onto the baby. I went to move the blanket and her breath hitched. The look on her face became something I recognized. Fear. I knew this emotion. It was not one I wanted to see on _her._

I stopped in the motion and waited. Kimi fussed and cried, but I tried to ignore it. I concentrated on my wife, her fear. "I could get her formula."

She swallowed and a soft 'no' left her.

I frowned and moved my hand to hers, entwining my fingers with hers from the back of her hand as she held onto our daughter.

She took a deep breath and looked at me. Her eyes glistened. I squeezed her hand and a small, tight smile formed on her lips. She gave a small nod.

I wasn't sure what she was afraid of. I reached my fingers to the corner of her eye and touched the tear which was ready to fall. "You are afraid. Why?" I wanted to know why. Was it me? The baby?

She half laughed. "I don't know, damn it I don't know." Her eyes went back up to the spiral and her breath quickened.

I had the feeling she did, but wasn't wanting to tell me. I shifted. I wanted to comfort her. How could I comfort her? I tilted my head. I pressed my fingers to my forehead. I could feel them there, over my scar and I remembered something. Both Naruto and my sister had done it when I was out of sorts. Maybe, maybe I could... I leaned forward and pressed my lips to the same spot on her forehead. She stiffened.

"Gaara?"

I leaned back and brushed my fingers through her hair. My heart swelled. I love this person. This person I managed to have a child with. The oddness of our situation dawned on me. Naruto. Naruto who was a man less than a year ago. Naruto who veered away from anything feminine was exactly that. Female.

I think I know what was wrong. This had to be hard for her as well. I should have been here sooner. I should have comforted her when she needed it. I didn't want to ask if I were correct. Not now. Instead, I would be here for her now. "Focus on me."

Her eyes widened. "Okay." It was the only word she said.

I would do this for her. Do what I had learned while she was not able to this for herself. I pulled the sand down behind her, laying her down towards an angle I had been accustomed to when I had done this before. She kept herself sitting and I pressed on her shoulder. "Relax."

Her face scrunched, but then did as I asked. I shifted so I had a better angle. I didn't want to let go of her hand so I used the sand instead to feel for the fabric covering her chest and lowered the side closest to Kimi's head.

Naruto gasped, then settled again. No. I wouldn't touch her directly. Instead, I returned my hand to her hair. Focus on me. Everything is fine. I lowered my eyes long enough to bring Kimi into the correct position, shifting Naruto's arms with my sand until our tiny bundle of cries and fussy limbs was stilled by finding what she needed.

A soft whimper erupted from my wife and I brought my eyes up to meet hers. Her eyes were wide but were focused on mine. A minute or two later her eyes widened and a small shudder went through her. "Whoa." She let out a breath and looked down at Kimi.

I dropped my hand and leaned back, taking in the sight of them. Naruto began to smile down at her and Kimi's hands gripped and let go of her mother's chest as she fed. The feeling which came was not one I was expecting. The same ticklish warmth which had been coming more and more often. I studied them. Happy? Was this feeling happy? I was thinking so. I lost the chance to tell her Kimi's name, yet... I felt okay with it now. I still wanted the formal introduction. "Kisarei."

Her eyes flicked up toward me. She hummed.

"I was not able to tell you her name."

A smile played at her lips. "Well, it makes us even."

I frowned. "Even?"

She returned to looking at the baby, shifting her some. She let out a breath. "Yeah, even." She smiled up at me. "I didn't get the chance to tell you what was wrong with me, so yeah, I consider it even." She broke into a wide smile.

The warmth spread into my chest. "Forgive me, but I prepared this for a while. Naruto, I want you to meet our daughter, Kimi the princess of Suna." I continued to watch them. It was strange but, I swear she glowed as she fed her, not in a literal way but... I took a breath. "We start here, don't we?"

She hummed, the smile never leaving her lips.


	44. Together

**Kisarei**

"Are you covered?"

I looked up to my spiral. Well, his, he drew this one, but it's based on the one I messed up downstairs, so still mine. I tightened my grip on the dress I slid off of my body and then shoved it aside. No. Not covered. I pulled up the blanket until I felt it near my collar bone. I cleared my throat. Not ready. "Yeah." Damn it. I kept my eyes fixated on the spiral.

This was happening. This shouldn't be happening. This was just so fucking weird. Did I agree to this? _Yes, you dumb ass, you kinda did_. Breathe. Stare at the spiral. This will be over soon. It felt weird enough to have the nurses come and mess with me. At first I protested but after a while, if they didn't come it felt as though someone slugged me in the chest so I figured it was just something for medical even though they used the word 'milk' in association with it. I never watched, I didn't want to. It felt wrong and honestly, it's just fucking weird.

A massive reminder of what I was now. Having something strapped to my chest and having something exit my body which could be technically consumed grossed me out a bit. I liked to look at them, sure, but I never had to face the fact they hold milk. I mean, even as a guy I thought the reason behind women having these things was weird and kinda gross, but actually having them, then using them for the reason... Well.

There was pressure on my shoulder and I flinched. I didn't mean to. Was it now? Was he going to put the baby there, her tiny mouth eating whatever came out of me? Was it really safe? Would it hurt? I felt sick. I don't want to do this. I can back out, can't I?

Something tugged on my arms and a small bundle of moving weight formed in the dip they made. Baby. Oh gods, this things was going to latch onto me like a damn leech and suck me dry. Was it going to hurt? It's probably going to hurt. I tried to keep my breath steady.

"Hold her for now."

I gave him a stiff nod. Okay. I can hold her. Holding her I could do. I gripped onto her. Daughter. Mine. My sweet tiny baby. What in the hell was wrong with me. I could do this. I somehow made her inside my body. I carried her. I gave birth to her. This was just part of the whole process, right? Yeah...

Fingers grabbed at the blanket covering me and I lost my breath. My stomach sank. No.

 _I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't._ The baby cried. I wanted her to stop. I wanted Gaara to take her, do whatever he did to make her stop. I wanted to get dressed. I wanted him to go get the bottle I wanted-

The blanket stilled. "I could get her formula."

The thought made me feel even sicker. Yes. Get it. Don't. I need to... I swallowed. I could do this. What the hell is wrong with me? "No." I barely said it, but it was there. I am her mother. Mother. Me. I had to do this. For her. Warmth exploded in my hand, fingers slid between mine, holding me, holding our daughter. Gaara. I took a deep breath. I forced myself to look away from the ceiling and towards my husband. Husband. Married. Tears stung at my eyes. Isn't this what you wanted, Naruto, you nitwit? _Yes._ The word resounded in my mind. Did Hinata go through this? Was it hard for other mothers, the first time? Hinata. Kids. My kids. My heart clenched. Damn. Damn, _damn_ it.

His finger reached to the corner of my eye and caught my tear. "You are afraid. Why?" He seemed sad, yet curious.

Damn him. I tried to laugh, but failed. Screw it. Truth. "I don't know, damn it I don't know." The acid in my throat threatened to rise up to my mouth and I returned to staring at the spiral above me. I don't know. Do I? No. Yes. Maybe. No.

Yes. What the hell was wrong with me? What was I doing? I'm not a chick. I'm not supposed to do this, I'm not supposed to be so damn selfish. I fought to control my breath. He didn't need to know what I was thinking. He had enough to deal with. This was all my fault. This. The baby. I was solely responsible for the turmoil likely going on at home. Home. Konoha.

Seriously, what the hell, Naruto? This wasn't some game. This wasn't a dream, a wish or... My kids. Oh gods, my kids. I gripped my baby tighter. Yes. I wanted this. I didn't deserve to want this. What the hell am I--

Hard rough warmth pressed to my forehead, my thoughts blanked and I tensed. What was he? "Gaara?" Did he just kiss my forehead?

He was still for a moment, so close I could see the grains of sand which made his skin. Weird. I breathed in through my nose. He leaned back, his hand reached out and brushed through my hair. I trained my eyes on his. His expression was soft and a small smile played at his lips. _What does happy feel like?_

Why did I have to fall in love with this person? Why did he even want me? After everything I've done, it made no sense to me. I forced him into being with me, I hid my pregnancy, I abandoned my... My everything. I started to feel sick again.

"Focus on me."

Focus? Oh. _Oh._ He was... "Okay." Not ready. I had to. This was my choice. I could have made another choice. One which could have ended me, but...

The sand behind my back fell away and I forced myself to sit upright. I gripped the baby. What the hell? Before I could retort a hand pressed to my shoulder.

"Relax."

Fucker. How the hell could I relax when... Oh. He meant literally. I let myself lean backward. Alright. I got this. He kept his fingers between mine, the soft warmth a reminder he was there. Breathe Naruto. Don't be so damned weird about all this. You're a chick now, this is what you're supposed to do. The pep talk to myself didn't help, but I still tried. Something tickled at my shoulder, my side. It crawled across my body and I felt the blanket over part of my chest move. His eyes glued to me and I stared into his. I love his eyes. Otherworldly. I gasped as the air hit my chest.

Happening. It's happening. Too late to back out. I took a breath. Then another. Gaara was still, then his hand went back to my hair. His presence demanded my attention and I gave it to him. My heart sped up when his eyes shifted down. The weight in my arms shifted and there was a small squeeze to my hand. The little bundle of limbs came in contact with my chest. Tiny hands gripped and let go of my skin and--

 _Ouch._ I let a whimper escape me before I could stop it. A sharp, pinching sort of pain erupted in my nipple. Weird. Oh gods, weird, weird, weird. Another sharp pain. Ouch. And it hurt. It really freaking hurt. I wanted her to stop. It isn't natural. What the hell, this was nothing like what the nurses did. Her mouth worked at my chest and it felt as though a thousand tiny needles pricked into it in that very spot. I wanted to pull her off of me, I wanted to keep her there. This is what babies do, right? How the hell could anybody stand this shit? No wonder they started to make formula for kids.

Kimi. This little one is Kimi. A sound came from her as she suckled at me. Freaking weird. Yet. This was getting weird. The pain began to subside. Something else edged away the pain. A strange feeling of relief accompanied by an odd tingling sensation. It was... "Whoa." I breathed out and looked down to her. Well, this was unexpected.

This was freaking weird. The rise in my chest was more than it should be, a tuft of red hair and tiny fingers gripping and releasing me as she suckled. The view was something I hadn't allowed myself to process entirely before, I refused to look down until now even though I had stared at my clones. It felt easier, assessing myself from an outside standpoint rather than a direct confirmation of what I was. Yet, here, with this tiny person attached to me, gripping at me with her tiny little hands it felt so natural somehow. I was feeding my baby. Mine. From my body. I smiled at the thought. Then, a massive warmth flooded my senses. I gripped her tighter. My baby. Everything faded away beyond her. _Protect. Keep. Love._ The intense sense of love was overwhelming.

"Kisarei."

Name. My name. I looked up to him, not wanting to take my eyes off the little red haired being attached to me. I hummed. What did he want? When did he move?

"I was not able to tell you her name."

The irony in the statement occurred to me immediately. I found it amusing and I couldn't keep the smile from my lips. "Well, it makes us even."

His lips turned down. "Even?"

Kimi made another tiny sound and a small pain came from her movement. Maybe... I shifted her some and the pain subsided again. I breathed out. Success. I did it. "Yeah, even." I looked back up to him, unable to keep myself from smiling. "I didn't get the chance to tell you what was wrong with me, so yeah, I consider it even." I smiled wide at him. Served him right for waiting so long anyway.

The smile was unmistakable on him. Wow, I wanted it to happen more. It wasn't the 'hey, I am thinking of terrible crap' smile I usually seen on him when I didn't want to know what he was thinking but more of a real one. "Forgive me, but I prepared this for a while." A small pause. "Naruto, I want you to meet our daughter, Kimi the princess of Suna."

I brought my attention back to my baby. My heart swelled. Kimi. Our daughter. It's strange, but I felt so crazy relaxed. Content. I think... I think I was meant for this somehow. I felt tired, but I wanted to stay awake.

"We start here, don't we?" His voice was soft, deep and raspy.

I hummed. I didn't have the energy to answer him. Start here, from this moment? Yeah, sounded great. Was it normal to get this sleepy? It was almost like she was draining my energy, or she just relaxed me so dang much I couldn't keep my eyes open. Maybe...

.*. .*. .*.

Something smelled amazing. Warm, maybe meat. I opened my eyes to the spiral on the ceiling. I took in a breath, savoring the smell. I sat up. The weight was gone. I looked around the room in a slight panic before my eyes caught sight of a tiny person being carried around by her father. I smirked at the sight. Somehow, a tiny kitchen had appeared in the room and she was half attached to his torso with sand, half held by one hand. His other hand held a spatula and sand whipped around him, grabbing random ingredients and utensils as though it were an extra pair of hands.

Creepy. Endearing, but creepy. He did use the stuff for everything. I had a feeling it was true and I wasn't sure I would get used to seeing it float around all the time. How much did he hold back when around people? If this was his every day in the house, I was sure it had to be a strain not to use it. I smiled at him. He was so focused on cooking he didn't even notice me. I didn't mind though.

I felt like I was watching an animal in the zoo while looking in through a window in a way. I scratched at my shoulder then froze. Cloth. I looked down at myself and noticed my grey dress was on. I swallowed. He dressed me? When I looked back up his eyes were fixated on me. Sand which held utensils and a bottle of spice hung in midair, perfectly still.

"You are awake."

This guy was amazing at stating the obvious. I didn't respond to his statement because I knew myself well enough, no matter my intention, I wouldn't hold back my sarcasm. Yeah, apparently. No, I'm sleep sitting. Yeah, better to keep quiet.

He looked around himself, then dropped the utensil and bottle of spice on the counter, the sand which held them floating back to him, disappearing onto his body. How was that any less creepy than using it to cook with?

I cleared my throat. "How long was I out, anyway?" I curled my legs up so I could sit cross legged and leaned forward on my knees.

Kimi moved about and he shifted her in his arms. With sand. Seriously, _everything_. He patted her back and she half cooed, her arms gripping at his clothes. I felt a pang of jealousy. "Three hours."

I frowned. Three hours and he managed to not only dress me, but transport an entire kitchen into the room without me noticing? "Dang, I must of been out of it."

He returned to cooking but using just his hands now. "I have become accustomed to being quiet while others are resting."

I stared at him. Right. I remembered back when I had him watch my son. How I woke to an entirely new place. I thought the whole moving stuff thing was a reaction to having to watch a baby. I recalled what Shinki said when he piled everything in the center of the room before I had her. Revenge, wasn't it? "The whole rearranging my house thing wasn't just something for me was it?"

He stiffened. Then, after a moment, returned to cooking. He wasn't going to answer me, was he?

I sighed. "So, what are you cooking anyway?"

"No."

Huh? "No what?"

His eyes flicked up to me, but then back down to what he was doing. Soon, he began to dish up whatever it was he was cooking and carried over two plates. Sand pooled up on the bed. "Arms."

I lifted them up off of my knees and a small table formed where they had been. It extended out over the side of the bed and he put the plates down in front of me. He turned and leaned over the bassinet, leaving the baby there. I looked down at the food in front of me. Eggs, toast and some sort of meat I didn't recognize. "Hey, what is this anyway?"

He stood up from the bassinet and sat down at the table. "Goat."

I scrunched my nose.

He stared at his plate his back hunched over it. When I gave up on him answering me he took a breath. "It is the most commonly available meat here. We mostly have goat herds, most everything else is imported beyond birds and the occasional desert haul."

Goat. Weird. I picked up my chopsticks and picked up a piece to inspect. His eyes drifted my way and he stilled. My heart sped as my eyes connected with his. I flashed him a smile and shoved it in my mouth. It was a little chewy but... I gave a small moan. Who knew goat tasted so good? I finished chewing it and swallowed. "Hey, it's pretty good." I downed another piece.

There was a small tension which seemed to leave his shoulders and he began to eat as well. His bites were smaller and he seemed to focus on his food instead of me. Which was fine. His stare was making me nervous. I mean, he always kinda stared at me, but the situation is different now. I was different now. I always took the stare either as a 'you fascinate me' or a 'I bet I could kill this thing this time'. The latter of the two the more worrisome option for me. The thing is, I think it was actually what went through his mind sometimes. There was no way I was ever going to say it out loud though, in case I either offended him, or found out it's true and he attempt it.

Now though. The stare seemed the same, but I was certain it wasn't anything to do with wanting me dead. Instead, while the first thought was still a there, I couldn't help but think there were different thoughts going through his head. I mean, I was married once. I remember how it was at first with Hinata. The way I would just stare at her and... But this guy. He's different. He wasn't exactly me, and I don't think he really had a lecherous bone in his body.

He might though. Someday, once he got used to everything. Once he got used to me would he-

"Still hungry?"

His voice interrupted my thoughts and I blinked at my empty plate. I gave a nervous laugh. "Ah, no. I'm good." I scratched the back of my head. "You seriously are good at this though. Why didn't you ever cook for me before all this?"

He stood from the table and gathered the plates, then returned them to the counter. He stood there a moment, staring at what he had just put down. He looked up to me. "I dislike thinking about things I cannot change."

Huh? "You aren't making any sense, you know that?"

The crease formed between his brows and his eyes narrowed, then shifted away from me. His hands clenched. My stomach twisted when the sand on his body floated off in places, then returned to him, disappearing back into his skin again.

"Um, hey." I gripped my blankets. "You don't have to say anything if you don't want." His behavior was making me nervous. What was he thinking? What had him worried? With him, it could either be something stupid or something terrible. I never knew when it came to this. Before all this shit went down, back when I was normal, I only saw him like this twice. Once he confessed to me he had disliked the cake I sent him as a congratulations on his son. The second time, he confessed he ripped the organs out of the man he was interrogating and didn't get the information he needed to before he died. I shuddered. Sometimes, seeing him like this it was easy to forget he could be like that.

He came over to the bed and sat down, his back facing me. He gripped the blanket below him. He sat, silent.

"Gaara?" I wasn't sure I wanted to know what he was going to say but whatever it is, it was bothering him.

"You asked about me moving things."

I stared at his back. I didn't know the question would make him freak out, damn. "It was an idle question." Idiot. I left the last word out. Nothing serious, come on.

"When I am bored and either want to talk or don't desire to think, I occupy myself by moving things. I've done it since I first moved here."

I sighed. Well, I guess we were talking about this. I leaned back and the table he made earlier disintegrated. My breath hitched when it did and I watched the grains fall down off the bed and blend into the floor. The floor? I wanted to ask, but I didn't want him to get distracted again. I felt he thought whatever this was is important, so I wanted to get it over with. "You could look at me while you talk, you know."

His shoulders stiffened and his grip tightened. His head shook 'no'. He didn't continue. Great.

Minutes passed and I started to feel antsy. I hate the silence. Always too damn quiet in this place. With someone so dang close, I wasn't going to be able to take it. It made it so much more obvious. I stared at his backside a while before I tried talking again. "Seriously, it's too freaking quiet, either say something or I will start talking." Threat. Truth. I can't stand it.

He let out a breath. "It annoys my siblings and Shinki put a lock on his door to keep me out, but I still do it every once in a while." His grip loosened. "I just received a bill for the room I fixed while waiting to return after hearing you were awake."

Eh? "You wanted to come back after hearing that?" He stiffened again and I regretted saying it. I put a hand on my mouth. "Sorry."

He looked over his shoulder at me, his face blank. "Do not be." He closed his eyes, then shifted his body so he was facing me, though kept his eyes averted. "You are not to blame for my inadequacy at dealing with my own emotions. I had not prepared myself for when you made it through, just..." He trailed off.

I scoffed. "Yeah, makes two of us."

This brought his attention back to me.

I gave him a half smile. "For a while there it was just, keep me and the baby alive, figure out how to get to Suna and tell you about it and not rope you into a forced marriage." I couldn't look at him for the rest. "Then, it was figure out a way to live through having her so I could at least see her. I never thought beyond the whole 'live through it', ya know?"

He was quiet long enough for me to look back to him. His face was still blank, and his stare was boring right into me. "You planned on coming to Suna?"

My stomach turned and I felt the acid rise in my throat. What? "I promised I would. I'm still pretty surprised you didn't notice the baby then, I mean, you practically laid on her when you popped up in the library. Just because I might never be a ninja again, doesn't mean I don't follow my nindo anymore."

His eyes widened and he stood up. He walked to the window, then returned, sitting down hard enough to jar me. His face was back to its blank and he leaned toward me. "The night I watched Boruto was a week after learning how children are made."

I stared at him. "We were in our twenties."

"Yes." The blank in his face reflected in his eyes. Confused.

I needed to phrase it different. "How did you think babies were made anyway?"

He sat back up. "I cultivate cacti."

"How does that explain anything?" This guy was still freaking weird.

He shrugged. "I thought there was a process similar to the cultivation of cacti. When a couple chose to create a child, they would somehow remove the essence of one and-"

I held up my hands. I felt if he continued, I would laugh, and damn it I didn't want to scare him off. "Ok, I get it."

He took a breath. "I was grossed out by it. Still am, but I at least understand the drive to do such an act now." He looked down at his hands. "Since finding out, I couldn't stop thinking about how my nephew came into being. The fact I wanted to rip off Shikamaru's head for doing such an indecent and disgusting thing to my sister. I imagined it to be a form of torture. Then, when I came to watch Boruto, I was presented with the fact you and Hinata had done the same. You asked me to watch him, and you entered the same room and..."

I stared at him. "All you could think about was how he was made, huh?"

He gave a slow nod. He looked away. "Thinking of it still makes me uneasy."

I reached out and grabbed his arm. I didn't know what to say to that. I needed to say something, so I settled on the truth, no matter his reaction. "I love Hinata. I always will. I don't regret what we had, our kids and I won't. I love them." I felt a shift in the muscles where my hand was. "Listen to me Gaara."

He looked up at me. This time his face was not blank, it held his emotion and it was easy to read. Uneasy, afraid.

I wanted to erase the look. I gripped his arm tighter. "I love her, yes, but it wasn't what I thought. I never felt I deserved her and I always tried too hard. When I couldn't keep it up, I distanced myself from her. She was everything I ever wanted, more and I couldn't be with her. It's messed up, I know, but..." I trailed off. I wanted this out. I wanted to say it so I didn't think it so much.

Gaara's eyes hooded and I forced myself to continue. I needed him to know where my head was, where it was now. "I didn't want her like that, Gaara. I tried, damn I tried, but..." I let him go. He needed to know. I leaned back into the pillows again. I looked up at the spiral. I wasn't sure I wanted to tell him everything, but I needed to, while he was here, while he was listening to me. I hoped it wasn't too much.

"I used my clones to be with her. It didn't feel right. Sometimes, it made me feel sick, but it was what I wanted. The whole wife, children job thing. I holed myself away, I studied until I could barely stay awake and eventually I ended up landing my dream job. Which opened up another out for me. Honestly, I am still not sure if I am technically the one who fathered Himawari." I covered my eyes with my arm. "I mean, I remember being with her, but I can't remember if I was actually the one with her. I wonder sometimes if it was one of my clones. I don't even know if it's possible, but I wonder." I gave a half laugh.

"Did she know?" The question was low, almost a whisper.

"About the clones?" I dropped my arm so I could see him and he gave a slow nod. I took a breath. "Not for a while. I got away with staying in the tower while one of them went to her and I would just work. I would spend time with Boruto the same way. Then, a couple years ago I was having a rough day and I didn't feel like going home and I..." Another breath. "He popped, right in the middle of it. I never admitted how often it happened."

His eyes widened for a split second, then hooded again. He looked away from me, the cracking sound I was coming to know as embarrassment sounded. "You were unhappy."

"Happy." The bit the old lady asked at the beginning of this rang through my head. "No, I guess not. I went through the motions. Did what I thought I needed to. Be the person I strove to be as a kid. There was never room for a different dream, and I would be a hypocrite if I just gave it all up, wouldn't I?"

He looked back at me, the cracks evident on his face, deep ridges etched out from his forehead and webbed out across his face. I studied them, how deep was it? "I do not think so. You should have stuck to what you wanted, and if it changed, then you should follow the new dream instead."

I smiled at him, leaned up and felt the cracks on his face. "Why do you think I'm here?" Truth. Gaara was my secret obsession. He was always up there on my list. Prove myself. Become Hokage. Hunt down that bastard Sasuke and make him see sense. Keep tabs on Gaara. After I found that bastard and lost my arm to get him to see some sense, I worked on the other two things harder. I ended up with Hinata and then, after seeing Gaara again when he showed up for my Hokage ceremony, I remembered. I put our picture up right with the family pictures. I kept a copy in my desk. Just go figure, the two most hated guys made it to Kage.

Gaara took my hand and brought it off his face. "You are here because you became pregnant and are not the sort of person to end an innocent life." He stared at my hand, the cracks on his face shifted and faded away.

I stared until they were gone. Freaky. Cool. Seriously this guy was freaking cool. I blinked and swallowed. I took a breath. "I'm here because I knew I had to come here. I would have tried escaping Konoha instead of seeking out Temari if I didn't think there was a possibility between us." I smiled. "I didn't think either of us would live. I was determined to get her to where she would survive. There were days I wanted to give up, let the pain win, then I would think of her, and you and I forced myself to bear with it."

He was silent. He didn't respond to me, just sat there staring at my hand. A movement caught my eye and the thing he set next to the door floated over on a wisp of sand.

"What's that?"

He let go of my hand and took hold of the object. "Why me?"

Huh? "What do you mean?"

"The wish, you could have thought of anyone, thought of your wife or..." His hands tightened on the thing. "I do not know why you would think of me in such a way, before this."

My stomach twisted. "Seriously Gaara, after everything..." I breathed in through my nose. "Since we were kids, there was always something about you. After I realized you mellowed out, ever since they tried to kill you like you were nothing." I leaned in. "Before I came, why didn't you fight them anyway? You were just sitting there, letting them at you, I don't get it."

He opened up the thing he had. It was some sort of video machine, an old one. He was inspecting it. "I have a video."

He was ignoring me. "Gaara." He wasn't going to get away with avoiding this one. I wanted to know. I asked before but he always skirted it.

He stiffened. He set it back on his lap. "I tired of fighting. I chose my path. I wanted to be different. A week before I had accidentally killed someone and I chose to enlist in the regular forces. Kankuro tried talking me out of it. Warned me the higher ups were wanting me gone. That Suna was still scared of me." His eyes moved up to meet mine. "My solitary path towards my goal, I had chosen it. I knew it was a long one, but I hoped they would just let me prove myself. Instead, they used my subordinates. I told them to leave. If I could just save them, then there were two lives to make up for the ones I had taken."

He shifted and the sand drifted below him until he was facing me fully. "In this moment I gave up. I would not use Shukaku. I would not harm these people who had every right to hate me, doing so would only condemn me further." He looked down to the video machine and a small smile formed. "Then, there you were, announcing you would save me. It shocked me, at the time and I decided to fight back. Not to kill, but to live. To prove I could become like you. I made my first friends during this mission." His eyes came back to me, the smile gone from him. "It is in this time I attribute the ability to find my true self, and the start of my path in forging my future."

I had no idea what to say after what he said. Instead, I hummed. I heard him. He was going to allow himself to die. If he had been paired with a different team, if I hadn't got to him in time, if... I gritted my teeth. I didn't want to think about it. The what ifs, the maybes. None of it mattered. What mattered was he made it out, became Kazekage and somehow fate plopped us together. I didn't know what else to call it. So then. Why him? There was physical proof for it. I sighed. Well, he already knew about him, might as well explain. "I learned my reverse harem jutsu when I was thirteen. I had to try and figure out what kind of guys women would creep on, found out while traveling with the old man the whole pervy thing went both ways. So, why not? The perfect guys. I created about fifteen versions, and every time I summoned them, there you were. Popped up every damn time."

He tilted his head. "I don't understand."

My stomach flipped and I swallowed a lump forming in my throat. Tell him, get it over with. "Don't get me wrong, but I always thought you were oddly perfect. Perfect skin, always had a thing for red hair and..." I cleared my throat. "Just figured if I were a girl, you would probably be who I'd want." I shrugged, glossing over it. "After a few weeks, he pointed out it probably wasn't a good idea for a naked version of Suna's jinchuriki popping up during a fight and taught me how to make him permanent, then wanted me to lock him up in my head so I would stop making him, since even when I tried not making you, well..." I trailed off.

A shadow passed over his face. "The thing who was with Kankuro."

I nodded. "Yeah." My voice squeaked. "Him. At first, it was pretty cool. He was just a clone, but would retain his own memories without popping and giving them to me. A different person, while not being one. Killed the boredom, and there was the bonus of being able to pretend I was hanging out with you."

"You wanted to be around me?"

I ignored the question. "Named him Narutwo. Dumb, I know but hey, I was a kid. We worked together for a year, he helped me train, he worked at getting his own personality and well..." I looked away from him. "Then it got weird. There is about two months I just don't remember and afterwords he named himself Gaaruto, came up with that weird pheromone jutsu and kinda hated me. Still hung out with him, but it was never the same and it only got worse as time went on. No idea why, but it's been his mission to make my life miserable ever since."

He stared at me. "He exists because you wanted to be around me?"

Same question again? I suppressed a groan. "So what's this video anyway?" I tapped the machine he was holding. I was ready to move past this, move forward. What I told him felt necessary, but it didn't mean I wanted to keep talking about it.

He blinked and looked down at it. A small smile formed, then was gone as quick as it appeared. "Naming ceremony." He flipped the machine around and stiffened. He stared at it a moment. "I..." He looked up at me. "Do you know how to work this?"

I had to hold back a laugh at the lost expression he had on his face. He reminded me of a child who couldn't figure out how to open a box to get to a toy. I smiled and reached out my hand. "Here, let me help." The machine was shoved at me and I studied it a moment. It was old, but a pretty basic one. I took a breath. Konoha embraced technology more than Suna, and in a way I was happy about it. I looked up to him, his face still holding a child like expectation. My heart twisted and a warmth spread through me.

The look was both endearing and terrible. Endearing because he was oddly cute when he looked like that, but...

I gripped the machine. If it were at all possible, I was going to make this person happy. Give him the life he wanted most. He deserved it more than anyone. More than me.

I needed him to be happy. _What does happy feel like?_ I will make sure he knows and never has to wonder again.


	45. Mending

**Gaara**

I felt numb. Words I did not expect to hear echoed in my mind. _I love Hinata. I always will._ I had confessed the reason behind what triggered the house redecoration when I watched her son, but it was not the response I had expected. I was not sure what I expected. Words were hallowed, pointless. "Listen to me Gaara."

I looked up to her and her grip on my arm tightened. _I love Hinata._ I didn't want her to continue. I didn't want to hear what she would say. If she were to admit I was a mistake, I was not sure how I would react.

Words followed, a steady stream of them, but all I heard was the inflection of her voice. I didn't want to know. If I tuned it out, I would be fine. There was a small pause in the voice and my body felt heavy. Don't listen, don't find out. If I ignored her unhappiness with me, I could look past it. She would never leave anyway.

Never.

She started up her voice again, and I just listened to the tone. She could be describing all the ways she wanted to kill me, but in the tone she was using, I doubted it. She let go of me, leaned back and started to speak again. She droned for a while when her arm went up over her face. Here, I did hear what she said. "I wonder sometimes if it was one of my clones. I don't even know if it's possible, but I wonder." She gave a half laugh and I tried to piece together what she was talking about.

Clones? For what? I closed my eyes a moment. Words. I wanted to remember her words. I was not paying attention and I was not about to ask her to repeat herself. She was talking about Hinata. Clones. Fake my way out, pretend I was listening. "Did she know?" I half whispered it, hoping it would at least sound like a plausible question and if she didn't hear it, then I would be fine. I hoped she hadn't.

"About the clones?" She heard me.

My breath caught and I nodded when her arm dropped so she could look at me.

She took a breath. "Not for a while. I got away with staying in the tower while one of them went to her..." Her voice blurred out to me again. I should listen. I wasn't interested. I should be. When she took a breath I forced myself to hear her. "He popped, right in the middle of it. I never admitted how often it happened."

In the middle of... With Hinata. What could... Oh. My eyes widened with the realization of what she was talking about. _Oh._ My face heated up and I looked away from her before the pinch of my sand started to spread across my face with revealing cracking noise I couldn't hide. Why would she send a clone for the act of human reproduction? The act itself, while being vile and disgusting, was not an unpleasant one. Did he not want to be with her then? Naruto always seemed happy to me, bright. Yet, I remember the circles under his eyes, how tired he looked. Perhaps I just assumed it. "You were unhappy." It was a question without being a question. I wanted to know the answer as much as I didn't want to. The feeling which came with it was inexplicable. Complicated.

I preferred not to feel.

"Happy." A small pause, "No, I guess not. I went through the motions. Did what I thought I needed to. Be the person I strove to be as a kid. There was never room for a different dream, and I would be a hypocrite if I just gave it all up, wouldn't I?"

The question brought my attention back to her. Her eyes always held so much light, and now, they were focused on me. Had they shadowed in time and I never noticed? How much of her life was I unaware of? To follow a dream which made her unhappy, it made no sense to me. "I do not think so. You should have stuck to what you wanted, and if it changed, then you should follow the new dream instead."

A small smile formed on her lips and her hand came to my face. Her fingers traced over my skin and I realized she must be tracing the cracks which formed. "Why do you think I'm here?"

The words hit me like a weight. Why? Because she had my child. Because she lost consciousness and had no choice in it. I reached up and took her hand from my face and brought it down to my lap. This hand is hers. It is Naruto's. Kisarei's. Small, delicate. This is not the hand which reached for me in the darkness, yet it was. "You are here because you became pregnant and are not the sort of person to end an innocent life." I kept my gaze on her hand. I didn't want to see her reaction. What I said was the truth. The fact she was here, my wife, the mother of my child was not a choice but a forced situation. A situation I was grateful for, a situation I hoped she would come accustomed to. I worked at fixing the cracks on my face, shifting the sand on my skin until the pinching sensation ceased.

"I'm here because I knew I had to come here. I would have tried escaping Konoha instead of seeking out Temari if I didn't think there was a possibility between us." Possibility? "I didn't think either of us would live. I was determined to get her to where she would survive. There were days I wanted to give up, let the pain win, then I would think of her, and you and I forced myself to bear with it."

A pain grew in my chest with her words. Give up. Inside her words she wanted to end, even for a moment. Why didn't she tell me? Why wouldn't she let me help her? My presence somehow made her better in the time of her transition and... I reached out. I don't want to think. These thoughts were pointless and I would not dwell on them. I could mend our future, make it bright. She was here now, no matter the way she arrived. Escape Konoha? Her words were pretty, but pointless. Excuses. If she left, she and Kimi would be dead. I grabbed hold of the contraption which held Kimi's naming ceremony. The official Suna broadcast which reached every household in the city. I pulled it to me. I was not going to add to this conversation.

Any more words on it would only end in anger and this was not the reason I was here. Yet, questions of our situation, how we ended here continued to run through my mind.

"What's that?"

The video player was close enough to grab hold of and I let go of her hand in order to hold it. A singular question. I wanted to know. "Why me?"

"What do you mean?" She said it quickly, without thought. How could she not know what it meant?

I thought back to the clones when she first came, the ones who seemed to care for me more than I ever knew. I wanted to know from her, directly from her. "The wish, you could have thought of anyone, thought of your wife or..." I didn't want to think of the woman she was married to before. The family, the home. I gripped the video. No matter how I looked at the situation, I still could not understand it. Of everyone she could want, me. Was she so delusional to what I was? Before the situation, before the now, I just couldn't see it. There were no indications beyond friend with her. None. "I do not know why you would think of me in such a way, before this."

"Seriously Gaara, after everything." A breath."Since we were kids, there was always something about you. After I realized you mellowed out, ever since they tried to kill you like you were nothing. Before I came, why didn't you fight them anyway? You were just sitting there, letting them at you, I don't get it."

A lump formed in my throat and I opened up the player. Then, I froze. No. I couldn't remember what Yumi told me to do. What button did I need to push? There were multiple on the machine. "I have a video." Ignore the question, let it drop. I had successfully avoided the topic every other occasion.

"Gaara." Her voice was low.

My muscles tensed. Usually, my avoidance was easily heeded and I would get away with it. Now, this person was the one I was married to. She likely deserved an honest answer. She would not like it, but it was deserved. I quickly worked out how to say it in my mind and set the device back into my lap. I told her what was in my mind then. I told her of my choice, I told her of Kankuro's warning. I looked up to her here. Instead of being difficult to say, it almost felt freeing. Naruto had been the only one to notice the hesitation, the lack of drive before he came to save me. The motion of caring whether or not I die the motivation I needed to move forward again.

I told her of my subordinates, how I wanted to save them and decided I wanted to face her more. I moved until I was sitting cross-legged in front of her. I told her of my desire to end, the desire to no longer harm those who had the right to hate me. I looked back to the video. In just a few minutes, this story would be done, and I could share the naming ceremony. Remembering this moment, it solidified the emotion I felt towards my wife. I told her about how shocked I was when she came. The look she had in her eyes then, back when she was he and he was Naruto. It made me smile, the determination to save me, to keep me safe. I worked the smile from my face and looked back up at her. "It is in this time I attribute the ability to find my true self, and the start of my path in forging my future."

She merely hummed in response. I watched her face, curious about what she thought of what I had told her. Would she ask more questions of it? Would she answer my question? Would I just figure out this thing I was holding and just show her the video?

She sighed and I stopped breathing for a moment. "I learned my reverse harem jutsu when I was thirteen. I had to try and figure out what kind of guys women would creep on, found out while traveling with the old man the whole pervy thing went both ways. So, why not? The perfect guys. I created about fifteen versions and every time I summoned them, there you were. Popped up every damn time."

I stared at her. What did this have to do with anything? What did she mean I was there? I tilted my head. There was no relevance to what she was telling me. "I don't understand."

This time, I listened when she spoke. She admitted to thinking I was perfect back then, and she had made the clone who looked like me into a permanent one. I listened and she seemed embarrassed by it. She had cleared her throat once and hadn't finished her sentence. What was so embarrassing about... Gaaruto. The lecherous creature who was wandering around with my doctor at the moment. The way I had found my brother hunched over him who had Naruto's body and my face. "The thing who was with Kankuro." I spit out the words, not wanting to remember the incident.

She nodded. "Yeah." Her voice went higher than normal with this word. I wasn't sure I wanted her continued explanation, but I listened anyway. "Him. At first, it was pretty cool. He was just a clone, but would retain his own memories without popping and giving them to me. A different person, while not being one. Killed the boredom, and there was the bonus of being able to pretend I was hanging out with you."

Hanging out? Wasn't this meant as spend time together? A tickling sensation filled my chest. "You wanted to be around me?" Back then, back before we were closer, before I told him I considered him my friend?

More words, but not an answer to my question. She droned on about the creature I could care less about, I wanted to know, for sure the answer to my inane question. She looked away from me and rattled on about losing her memory and how he had changed. Odd, but still, this did not matter to me at this moment.

I waited until her voice stopped to ask my question again with a slightly different phrasing. "He exists because you wanted to be around me?"

Her face twisted. "So what's this video anyway?" She tapped on the player in my lap.

I stared a moment then blinked. She wasn't going to say, was she? I looked down to the machine. Change of subject, fine. I wanted her to see this, see the moment when our Kimi was named. I smiled, then remembered what else she would see. The bandages at my neck, a glaring obvious change to my regular appearance. I was surprised many had not asked about them, but I assumed it was more because most preferred not to confront me. About anything. At all. I found it to be absurd, annoying and was also partially thankful for the peace it offered as well. I was their Kazekage, I should be questioned. It merely reminded me of the fear they still held of me. "Naming ceremony."

I wanted to get this over with, unsure with which of my warring emotions to focus on. I went to play it. I opened it up and looked at the buttons again. Was it this one on the top, or was it the one on the side? My muscles tightened. I can't remember. Why did I always forget things like this? I stared at it, willing my memory to return, but to no avail. My memory was getting bad again, I would have to rest after this. When was the last time I had allowed myself to rest? In the desert after destroying my house? I cannot recall if I had rested when I had my last episode... "I..." I trailed off, unsure of what to say a moment. I looked up to her. I had to ask. I did not want to lose the footage just because I pushed the wrong button. "Do you know how to work this?" I had no real idea. These things confused me, but her home village had taken to technology more than we had, likely more than we ever will.

Her face made an odd expression, one I was unsure how to read. Almost a smile, but not, a small crease formed between her brows furrowed. Soon, it even out to a regular smile. "Here, let me help."

I pushed it to her. If there was a way to get it figured out without having to holler for help after closing off everything downstairs with a sand barrier, I was going to go for it. I didn't desire to explain why I moved our entire kitchen into my room, nor why I couldn't operate a simple video when I had insisted on being the one to play it. I watched her. She had to know how to work it. Please, know how to work it.

She looked back up to me. Well? Had she figured it out? I wanted to ask but resisted. Her hands tightened on the machine and a soft smile formed. Happy? No, it didn't seem like a happy one. What was wrong?

An apology smile? Maybe. "You don't know how to work it?"

Her grip loosened. "Oh, yeah, I can figure it out." Her smile widened. "It's kinda old, but the symbols are the same. Used to have a more advanced version of this in my old apartment." She looked down to it. "When I was twelve." The statement was low and she cleared her throat. "So, are we both watching this, or..." She trailed off, letting the question hang in the air.

If I was not planning on watching it with her, why would I have waited on showing it to her? I blinked, the answer obvious to me. I looked down at the machine and realized what she meant by the question. The way we were sitting, there was no way I could also see the video and the screen was small enough if I set it sideways, neither of us would see. I took a breath and looked over to Kimi. "Yes." I shifted the sand beneath me so I could sit next to her. Our bodies were close, yet not touching. I could still feel her heat radiating into my sand, her very presence obvious to me.

She was still a moment, but I did not look her way, instead keeping my eyes on the machine. I wanted to watch. I wanted her to see. I wanted to get this over with and hopefully ignore the questions she was bound to ask about my person after watching it. After a moment, I heard a small sigh and the machine shifted so it sat on both of our laps. "Ready?"

I nodded. She pressed a few buttons, and the screen came to life. Four people sat around a table facing us. The man on the right came into focus. He leaned forward. "Coming live from Suna One, the event the entire nation has been eagerly waiting for. In just moments the Kazekage will be leaving his house and heading to the tower. We are still unaware of what this holiday has been called for, but for those unable to attend, you will find out first here."

The camera backed out to the four again. The man who spoke earlier turned to another man to his left. "Ebisu, what speculations have been made on what this could be about, and which theories hold the most possibility of this ceremony? We have on trusted sources the elder council has been called in as well, so it narrows down what it could be. Your speculations?"

The camera zoomed into the man I assumed was Ebisu. He gave a slow nod. "Absolutely. There have been many rumors about what is going on. There are people saying the Kazekage was injured in the attack a while back, but there has been no confirmation on this matter so this is a grey area for us. Also, the Kazekage has an amazing defense and ever since his kidnapping years ago has shown no signs of falling."

Someone off the viewing window screamed out 'long live the Kazekage!' and a thrumming of feet hitting the floor sounded out. I groaned. The video paused. I avoided looking over to my wife.

"Gaara?"

I cleared my throat. "The support of me ranges from obsessive to absolute hatred. There are a fair amount of Sunaites who do this. Disconcerting."

"I think it's kinda cool."

I looked over to her with a small frown. "Play the video." I had no desire to discuss this.

The video resumed, the picture backed out to the four again. There was a small laughter from them and a woman on the far left clasped her hands together and gave a small shake, a smile on her face. "The support in this room is strong for the Kazekage. Blessings to you my friends."

Ebisu turned to her. "Katura, you are the liaison of the elder council, have you any words on what their involvement in this matter is, and what it is we may expect before delving into the possible outcome of this day?"

Her hands folded in front of her and she bowed her head just enough to register movement. "The council is keeping the matter silent as well. All I know is there must be a change within the family. There would be no other reason for the council to be summoned beyond this reason. As for the precise reasoning behind this, I am unsure."

The woman next to her rolled her eyes. Rin. I knew this one, personally. A retired ninja who left the forces after the war. She had been part of the front line behind me in battle, a decent warrior. Annoying personality. "We all know he is probably naming that kid of his the official heir. He's getting close to the age and is actually a year older than the Kazekage was when he took position. I'm sure the council's been after him to make it official. All you crazies and the whole tradition thing you obsess over."

"Rin!" The man next to her spoke her name in a whisper through clenched teeth.

The woman shrugged. "It's what everyone's thinking. What else is there?"

Katura cleared her throat. "There are other possibilities. Ebisu, you were going to speak to the speculations of this holiday."

He gave a nod. "Yes. The first is what you mentioned. As this is likely a family matter, there is always the possibility of a marriage announcement but usually, such matters are much less formal. Beyond this, it is also speculated the Kazekage will be stepping down, but this is also a stretch. There have been no other instances where a child with the Kazekage sand defect has been found but there is a possibility he has chosen to adopt again or is forcing the council to recognize Lord Shinki beyond paper."

Rin groaned. "Right, the council would budge just because the Kazekage threatened them. Wouldn't the kid have been recognized years ago if that was the case?" She leaned back and crossed her arms. "Honestly I can't help but think this entire day is a waste."

Here the image changed and my house appeared. "Soon," the original speaker continued, "there will be a hint as to what this day has been called for. We have it on good standing if the Kazekage appears first, it is likely he will be naming his heir. If he does not, then we must play it by ear."

There was silence, a view of my house remaining in view. The reporters whispered random history and facts and soon the door opened. "The moment of truth, people of Suna, the first glimpse at the ceremony begins."

My family left the house, dressed in the traditional black clothing and the most basic of the ceremonial face paint. My brother in law and nephew wore black, but they did not sport the face paint. Part of the royal family but able to remove themselves from the direct line. I smirked at this. Adopting Shinki saved them from this and I was glad for it.

A clatter sounded and the image split into two. Katura was standing, her hands on the table in front of her, a look of surprise on her face. The others looked to her. "Katura, what is it?"

She swallowed. "I have no idea what is about to happen."

"Katura, please, sit down and tell us what this means."

She gave a half nod and sunk back down to the chair. "You see not only the Kazekage's family from Konoha left but also Lords Kankuro and Shinki. They were dressed only in the simple garb and the basic royal face paint. This means they are required present, but this ceremony has nothing to do with them. Ornamental and nothing more." She looked to her colleagues. "It means this is not a meeting to decide an heir. Even though Lady Temari has not appeared, if this were for the matter of an heir, the garb on all family members would be more formal and the Kazekage would appear first. There are a few possible ceremonies which require this, but I must wait to see how the Kazekage exits towards the ceremonial procession to be sure."

The door opened again and Temari emerged. Her head was held high and she walked out into the street and waited until my form joined her there. I winced. There they were. The telling bandages on my neck. The tiny bundle which held Kimi away from prying eyes for the last few moments before the ceremony. There was complete silence as we moved the streets. I dared a glance at my wife, but there was no change in her face to show she noticed them. Maybe I would be lucky and she not notice.

"What's the Kazekage holding onto? Is it a baby? It looks like a baby." The voices blended together and it was hard to tell who said what.

"I believe this is a naming ceremony." Katura's voice was soft. "Though, there has not been an announcement of any birth. Lady Temari is walking with the Kazekage. Is it possible she had a child and is giving it to the Kazekage as a blood heir?"

"No." Rin leaned forward. "I am in strict confidence this would be a pointless endeavor."

The image went full again of me and Temari walking down the street. The line made me curious from the first time I watched this through. Pointless. She must have faith in my son. If I were to ever see her I should thank her for this.

The broadcast went silent and centered on what was going on. The video paused. "Hey, was it so crazy to think you had a kid their first thought really went to your sister?"

I looked over to Naruto, making sure my face held nothing. "Before this, I was confirmed as incapable of such a feat, or do you not remember this?" Kimi, my body's reaction to my wife, everything was a small miracle for me. It allowed me a family, the possibility of continuing to grow this family. I wanted it. I wanted to control it. I hoped it would continue and I not return to the way of before. Before Naruto's wish. I looked back to the still image on the screen. Kimi, even tinier than she was now hidden in my arms. I didn't want to ponder this.

"Yeah, I remember." There was a pause then, "I don't remember anything like this. If there was some major newscast I should have known about it, shouldn't have I?"

I allowed my face to scrunch in confusion to the question. "You were in a coma during this, there would be no way for you to remember."

She groaned. "Not this, idiot, Shinki. Wouldn't he have gotten one of these?"

My body stiffened. "No." I felt the sickening sensation of bile rising in my throat. I moved from the bed and paced for a moment.

"Gaara?"

I stopped my pacing but kept my eyes on the floor. "The council acknowledged him as my adopted son, yes, but they have always refused him as part of the bloodline. I queried for it, but was denied." I rose my eyes to meet hers. "I also never had a ceremony such as this for my own birth. My existence was far from celebratory."

"I..." She trailed off.

I clenched my teeth, my hand fisted and I turned from her. Shinki. Was he going to be ok? I wanted to run after him, make him return, convince the Hokage sending him was a terrible idea. I felt numb. I didn't care anymore. I didn't want to do this. I headed to the bathroom and paused at the door. I gripped onto the wooden slab and looked over my shoulder at her. I went to say something but decided against it. I let go, then headed in, shutting myself off from her.

I wanted to be alone, but I didn't want to leave. This was enough. Far enough away. I had so little time, but...

I let out a breath and slumped down to the floor then leaned back against the wall. I looked up at the ceiling. I wasn't good at this. I only had through tomorrow to get Kimi used to her mother. Tell her mother about her condition. After this, she would be in attendance of another. Someone who could never know who she used to be. As long as she still wanted to marry me. I would have to ask. Tomorrow. Tonight...

Tonight, I would rest. I needed to clear my mind. I should tell her. I needed to tell her. I needed to be better. I ran my hands through my hair. I grimaced. My hair felt disgusting. Oily, unkempt. When was the last time I did anything to my hair anyway? I groaned in realization the last time I did anything to it beyond a simple finger comb and a light dusting with sand was when Temari was here.

I pulled the sand from my scalp and worked at washing it, pulling the grease and oil from the strands. When it was done, I moved the sand to the trash and removed the particles which weren't my sand. I should start changing it out again soon. I hadn't kept a continuous supply since I was killed all those years ago. Clean it, remove the human debris. I stared at the bits left behind then turned from it. How much was dirt, how much was blood, how much was bone? I had no idea. I glanced at the door.

After we were wed, I would have to tell her. Tell her what I used to be. Tell her about Nobuo. Show her the files. I swallowed. I hated them. I was sure it wasn't everyone I had killed, but the names were in the thousands.

 _Thousands_.

I was sure she would hate me for it, look at me differently. I told her before I was a monster, but she never knew the extent of it. I reached my hand forward and brushed the door with my fingers. Keep him at a distance. Keep him close. Be content with being friends and acquaintances. I could handle it. It was enough.

Now though, I knew it was never enough. The feeling I received when she became mine, came into my life, I craved it now. Happy? It's possible. I pushed open the door to my wife frowning at me.

"What the hell, Gaara?"

I went back next to the bed. _I'm sorry. Forgive me?_ "I am exhausted."

She stared at me, an expression I couldn't place scrunching up her face.

I stiffened my back and brought Kimi to the bed. "If she wakes, she will either need changing or fed." I looked away from her. "I must rest."

"Wait, I don't-"

I ignored her and moved to the chair in the corner of the room where I had set up my makeshift office while she slept last night. Tired. I was so tired. I paid no heed to the words from her and allowed my body to relax. My eyes hooded and I pulled the room's sand to me. Swirling, standing guard as I allowed my mind to blank.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only a few more chapters before Leaves is done. Due to the length of this section of their lives, I am breaking it up into two books, so the next one will be 'Bearable Weight of Ink'. I will take a small hiatus between books to finish the second part of the Inheritants series. The Weight of Love series makes me so crazy excited to write I can never keep my hands off it though, so who knows if I will completely finish it before starting the next part of this lol.
> 
> Anyway, thank you, everyone, for your continued support and as always, reviews/comments serve to inspire.


	46. Bonding

**Kisarei**

Everything was beyond anything I ever expected. This video, Gaara... Just, everything. From what I had seen, this whole fiasco was over Kimi. Gaara was watching, he seemed content, then, me being the idiot I am, destroyed the day with my damn mouth. Idiot.

I tried to figure out something to say to fix the whole thing about bringing up Shinki, but I was never good at the whole serious talking bit. "I..." Something, I needed to say something.

He turned from me and moved to the bathroom. He opened the door, his hand tightened on it a moment as he looked over his shoulder, but then let go and shut himself away from me.

I stared at the door. "Damn it." I shifted on the bed, setting the machine to the side and leaned forward as much as I could. "Gaara, we haven't finished the video yet, get your damned ass back here, will you?"

I was answered by silence. Jerk. No, I'm the idiot who brought up his son. I shoulda known it was a sensitive topic. I groaned. Then, I picked up my pillow and hurled it towards the bathroom door. It only made it a few feet in front of the bed. Well, at least it was off the bed. I sighed. So much for that. "Come on, I'm sorry ok? Don't... Just..." I didn't finish what I was saying. It was pointless anyway. Maybe he just had to go.

Right. Like I ever saw Gaara go to the bathroom. Ever. Now I was thinking about it, I wasn't sure I ever actually seen him... Well. Ew. I know he washed himself with sand somehow, but sometimes it was just freaking weird what he did with the shit. I groaned. Literally, if what I was thinking was true. "Eck." I brushed my hands on my arms. I looked down to the machine and narrowed my eyes at it. "Your fault."

The screen blanked as though to answer me. I closed it. "Don't yell at me, I don't need to deal with this." I stuck my tongue out at it and crossed my arms. Great. Now I was talking to object. Wonderful. Just freaking wonderful. I watched the bathroom door,willing the thing to open. "Open, open, open, open."

Nothing. What the hell was he up to in there anyway? I glared at it. Everything was doing so damn good too. I had my baby, I got to hold her, I got to feed her and... I shivered. I fed her. The entire idea of it was still freaking weird to me, but it happened and... I kinda liked it. I bit at my lip and looked at the bassinet she was in. I want her. There was no way for me to get over there if she needed anything. What if she started to cry? What if she needed something while I was over here, unable to help? Would Gaara notice?

Probably, he seemed a little obsessed with her. I wanted to be irritated with this, but I couldn't keep the smile from my face. I was able to give something to Gaara nobody else could. Something which made him happy. Yet, I kept pissing the guy off. I sighed and looked back to the door, willing him to come back out. I wanted to continue what we were doing, I wanted him near me, I wanted to talk to him, I wanted to finish the video with him. I could promise to keep quiet.

As quiet as I could get anyway. I leaned on my knees. Noises sounded from behind the door and I tapped my fingers on my leg. Seriously, what in the hell was he doing in there? I looked down at my hand. Grey. I frowned down at it. I needed to figure out how to hide it without wrapping it up in bandages. It was too obvious. Not many had these sorts of prosthetics and no matter how much I boasted the whole 'I'm my own twin sister' routine, there was going to be someone who figured it out. It wouldn't take much to, and they wouldn't even have to have the Nara crazy smart intelligence thing going for them . I groaned. Yet something else to figure out. Great.

My stomach lurched as the door to the bathroom opened. I frowned at him. "What the hell, Gaara?" Seriously, what were you up to in there?

He came up to me, leaned some over the bed. His face was completely blank, devoid of any emotions. "I am exhausted."

Huh? Wait. I stared at him. He wasn't going to try sleeping, was he? Hell no, I don't care if he was stronger than me, I would keep him awake. Especially with Kimi in our room.

His stood back up, stiff, then sand carried my daughter to the bed next to me. "If she wakes, she will either need changing or fed." He looked away from me. "I must rest."

Feed her? I looked around, change her? With fucking what? "Wait, I don't-" I stopped talking when he blatantly ignored me and headed to the odd little office set up in the far end of the room. I groaned. "Damn it Gaara, listen to me will ya? I don't even have any..." He fell into the chair at the desk there. Shit. "Gaara!" Nothing. "Damn it Gaara, I don't have any diapers, how in the hell am I going to, damn it, Gaara, don't ignore me." Sand erupted off the walls, from the floor and from the furniture. "The hell?" No damned wonder with what happened with Kimi. I wondered where all the sand come from. Leave it to Gaara to imbed it into everything. I groaned as his eyes hooded and his shoulders slumped some. Sand began to whirl around him in small wisps in all directions. "Shit." I said it with a groan and soon the small bundle left next to me began to stir. She hiccuped awake and soon a soft cry erupted from her.

"Shh, Kimi, everything's ok." I reached down and scooped her up into my arms. I smiled at her, even with her tiny face all scrunched up she was the most precious thing in the world to me. "Hey, you want to watch a video with me?"

She continued to cry and I brought her up to my shoulder. "What's wrong, baby?" I gave soft pats on her back. "I can't help if I don't know. Let da-" I choked on the word I almost said and cleared my throat. Daddy. Seriously Naruto, you need to stop this. "Let momma know what you want, ok?" Mom. Mother. Me, a mom. I took a breath. I was alone with her. No help, Gaara was as good as out cold right now, and I had nobody else near who could help me figure it out.

"Man, I have no idea how to tell what you need." I looked around and took a breath as my heart sped up. I was starting to freak out and I knew I needed to keep this tidbit to myself. Because sand, damn it. I couldn't protect me, let alone her from it if she had another outburst. I breathed in through my nose. I moved my hand to her bottom and groaned. Well, this problem was obvious, however, her idiot father abandoned me without diapers. I looked around to find something suitable, and the only thing I could think of was the pillow case.

"Hold on, Kimi, I'll make it all better, ok?" She whimper cried and I groaned. Great, I was reduced to using a pillowcase to tend to my daughter's dirty diaper. I wrinkled my nose. I hadn't changed a diaper since... I froze. Since Boruto? I had changed Boruto, didn't I? I blinked. Don't be stupid, of course I had. I remembered changing diapers, it's just... I think Hinata might have finished it off.

Every time.

Shit.

Again, literally. I set Kimi back down and I pulled on of the pillows from the pile behind me then yanked off the material. I moved to rip it to make a smaller piece for the diaper. The fabric pulled, but nothing else. I readjusted my hands and tried again. Then again. "How the hell weak am I?" I gripped the fabric as tight as I could and pulled with all my might. I let out a small cry in my efforts but still nothing happened. I slumped over. Great. I was going to have to try and fashion a diaper out of an entire pillowcase. I breathed in through my nose and straightened my back. "Alright, Naruto, you've got this. Kisarei. Hell, who freaking cares right now?" I flashed Kimi my widest smile and worked at folding the thing into something which could maybe resemble a diaper. Kind of.

I finished my folding and held it up for Kimi to see. "See, what do you think?" I gave a half laugh.

She cried at me.

"Yeah, I wouldn't like it either, but hey, it all I've got, ok?" She wriggled on the bed and I worked at removing her dress. Pink, lacey and covered in tiny flowers. Cute. "Hey, this thing is cute, you know that?" More cries. "Ok, ok, I'm working at it, hold on."

As soon as the frilly thing was off of her, she kicked out her legs and her arms pumped in protest. I groaned. "Come on, hold still. I frowned down at the diaper. Cloth? Who used cloth diapers anymore? I looked around in hopes of fining a trash can of some sort near the bed, but the closest thing was near Gaara. Figured. I removed the pin from the diaper and removed it from her. "Ugh, for something so damn tiny, you reek." I scrunched my face at her. I worked at cleaning her off with a corner of the cloth from her diaper and then used the glass of water near the bed to try and finish it. Well, I might get thirsty, but it was better than having a dirty angry baby.

Then, it came to putting on the pillowcase 'diaper'. I took a breath and worked out a way to tie it on. Kind of. I used the pins from the other diaper to hold it in place and decided with this huge thing on her, it was pointless to try and put her dress back on. After everything was done, she calmed and stared at me, her eyes wide and bright. Pupiless, like her father. She was so pale I could see some of her veins in her arms and legs. I brushed my fingers across her cheek, feeling the small ridges which matched my own marks. Three, like mine. "You really do look just like your dad." What part of me did she have anyway? Besides the whisker marks.

She wiggled and started to coo and I took her into my arms. Her eyes were so focused on me, as though she were memorizing my features. I closed my eyes. What do I do now? I was holding her in my arms, something I craved to do while I was pregnant with her. So, I'm able to hold her now. I should have the ability to see her grow, be there for her first steps, her first words. I felt the sting in my eyes as tears formed and I opened my eyes to her, uncaring if she were blurry from them. "Kimi..." I held her closer. "To the moon and back. I love you." I brought her up and kissed her forehead.

She made a gurgling sort of noise and continued her stare. I looked up to the swirling sand and the figure beyond it, barely visible. I had the feeling he would be like that a while yet, so I smiled down to my daughter. "Your father brought me a video, want to watch it with me?"

She merely stared at me, then brought her fist up to her mouth and nibbled at it.

"I will take that as a yes then." I giggled and reached over for the machine I set aside when Gaara went to the bathroom. "Hope he doesn't care I watch it without him." I nestled her into my lap a moment while I opened up the machine and hit play, then brought her back into my arms. Naming Ceremony. I smiled. Everyone knew of her. She wasn't a secret. I looked up at the screen.

The newscast split into two, one section following Shinki, Kankuro, Shikamaru and Shikadai on one side, Gaara, Temari and Kimi on the other. The anchors remained silent as the procession continued on, both parties entering the Kazekage tower at separate times. People lined every nook and cranny, both on the street and within the tower. It was awesome to see their support when we were able to bring him back alive after his death, but this was something else entirely.

It made my heart skip a beat. They were there for him, for our daughter. Anxious to see what was happening. A lump formed in my throat as he went up the escalator. At this time the other group was introduced to the hall they entered and ushered to the back of the room where they stood, straight backed and emotionless. A woman's voice sounded on the screen. "It begins."

A group of men dressed in some sort of uniforms exited the sidelines in a single long stride. A drum sounded and the men started a stationary march. The drum hit a louder sound and they started to move. Soon, they were forming a 'v' and the drumming stopped. The hall became silent until the door opened revealing Gaara and Temari. They stepped in and the door closed behind them. The man at the front of the formation moved forward and his heels clacked on the floor when he stood in front of them. "The council of Suna accepts your presence, Lord Kazekage, and is willing to hear your request. Are you ready to present your request before the council?"

I paused the video and snorted out a laugh. The guy was stiff, blank faced like Gaara, his voice a monotone and almost sounding bored. I looked down to Kimi. Her eyes were still glued to me. "I hope you don't pick up the blank look like your dad though." I smiled and brushed at her hair. "Your brother already has that trait, there doesn't need to be more of you." I tried to tickle her and a sweet sounding giggle erupted from her. A tickle erupted in my stomach and I couldn't stop the smile from forming on my lips. She laughed.

I actually got her to laugh! I did it again, making her giggle once more. I joined her this time and then she grasped onto my finger. "Hey you." I moved my finger as though I were shaking her hand. I giggled and moved her up to my chest. I snickered, remembering something I used to do to Boruto when he was a baby. I brought her up further then I blew a raspberry on her belly. A squeal sounded from her. I smiled down at her. It worked. I love this little person. I love her so much.

A small pang hit my heart. Boruto. I frowned. I wonder how he was doing. How Himawari was doing. I closed my eyes and took a breath. Dead. I wonder if Hinata...

I pushed the button on the machine as a weight formed in my stomach. No. I wasn't going to think about this, not now. Not while holding my daughter. While feet away from her father, my new husband. Gaara. I swallowed and forced myself to watch. Don't think.

Just don't think. On the video Gaara's eyes shifted to his sister and a small wrinkle formed between his brows. She gave a partial nod and stepped forward. "I invoke the right to speak upon the behalf of the Kazekage. I am the eldest daughter and child of the fourth Kazekage."

The man who addressed Gaara did a half step, his heels clacking once more on the floor as he faced Temari. "State your full title."

I groaned as Temari's face went blank. "I am Temari, First daughter to The Fourth Kazekage, Rasa and his wife Kurura. The elder sister to Kankuro and the Fifth Kazekage, Gaara of the desert, active Kazekage of Suna."

What was with the giant titles in this place? Was it really all that better than a last name? I frowned. Also, why was Temari doing this? Gaara half lived for the tedious shit that centered around tradition.

"We of the elder council shall recognize this request, Temari, elder sister o Lord Gaara, Fifth Kazekage of Suna. Are you ready to present your request?"

"I am."

The man gave a short bow and the men behind him silently moved from a v shape until they made a small hall of people. The room was elaborate. Gold on the floor, people crowded on the outside of the line of men and flags on both sides. At the end was a raised bench where several older guys sat down looking way too annoyed. I looked over to Gaara. I wanted to ask, but he was barely visible beyond his swirling sand barrier. I sighed and decided to just watch Gaara. The man walked away from him and he took a deep breath, his eyes widening for a split second before his features returned to his normal blank. Then, I noticed it.

I gripped onto Kimi. There was a bandage at his neck? I didn't remember anything in the reports Temari brought me which would have indicated an injury from the attack. If it weren't from the attack then what was it? They all moved forward and the guy who was speaking earlier brought a megaphone up to his mouth and started to drone on with all the honorifics attached to Gaara. I didn't care. I wanted to see the bandage better. What happened to him? I looked back up to the current Gaara. I wanted to shove through the sand and demand to know what happened. What in the hell did happen while I was out? I had no idea. I think Kankuro mentioned he'd been through a lot, but...

A loud, constant drumming brought my attention back to the video. Now what? I looked down just in time to see Temari give a small nudge to Gaara and he moved forward.

A voice sounded. "Lady Temari, we are ready to hear your request."

She stepped forward. "We ask of the council to accept into records the addition of a new member of the Kazekage clan." Here is where the silence broke. Voices sounded from the crowd, though I was unable to hear what they were saying it was probably from the surprise of the addition.

"They weren't ready for you, were they?" I tickled her again, but this time she whimpered. Hmm? I paused the video and looked down at her. "What's wrong?"

The whimpering continued and soon turned into a small cry. My throat tightened. What do I do? What was wrong with her? Did I hurt her somehow or...

My breath caught. Was she hungry? My fingers gripped around her little body. If she were hungry, then I would have to... I would... I swallowed then let out a shaky breath. I wasn't sure I was ready for that again. So soon. Then again, how long ago had I fed her? I had no idea. It was still the same day, but how often did babies need to eat? I looked at the clock and groaned. Evening already. Had an entire day gone by already? Looks like it. "So, you hungry then?"

She continued to cry and I closed my eyes. Come on, I did this before, I can do it again, right? I opened my eyes again and sent a small glare towards her father. Damn him, resting without leaving me any kind of instructions on her. I took a breath. "Alright then, I'm gonna try feeding you ok, so stop crying will ya?" I patted her back, then went to remove my dress. Did I have to remove all of it? I clenched my teeth. Nah. I don't think I do. I removed one arm and my nerves jumped as air hit my skin. "The hell." I let out a long breath. Idiot. I could jump headfirst into a battle, allow myself to turn into a damn girl, lose my arm while saving my friend without thought and this, feeding my own baby, is what gets my nerves jumping out of my skin.

Screw it. I'm this kid's mother, I was going to be the best damned mother I could possibly be. Watch me. I shifted her up and winced as she latched onto me. What was I thinking? I shivered and soon the pain ebbed into the odd feeling I felt before. Well then. Ok. I can deal with this. I let out my breath and watched her a moment. Every movement, every breath, every beat of her heart was because of a choice I had made.

Her life, it made me smile. I could get used to this whole woman thing, couldn't I? I still wasn't sure I was ready to let go of being a ninja though. Would I ever be strong enough to be a ninja? Would they even allow me to be one, as the wife of the Kazekage, even if I ever became strong enough to be one again? I had no idea. I still didn't want to deal with it, not yet. For now, I had my daughter. Gaara was talking to me again.

For now, it was enough. Before I could think of anything else, I was going to learn to walk again. I wasn't going to be stuck in a bed for the rest of my life. I could manage a few steps, but I was going to do more. There was no use thinking about being a ninja when I couldn't even manage to walk across the floor on my own, or throw a pillow further than a few feet. I brushed at the fuzzy hair of my daughter and grit my teeth. I was going to walk again. If it took everything I had left, I was going to figure out a way to grow with her. What use was living to see her if I was stuck in a room? "Hey," I whispered, "Don't you ever worry. I'm going to be around to keep you safe, alright?"

I could feel it again. The overwhelming need to protect her, the feeling had a grip deep inside my gut and ebbed out into a stranglehold on my heart. She was different. I wasn't sure exactly how, but different from my other kids. I swallowed down a wave of guilt for the thought. Was this feeling what came with being a mother? Did Hinata feel this way about our kids?

If I ever saw her again, I would ask her. I took a breath. I missed her. I missed her smile, her soft words of comfort, her... I moved my grip on Kimi and turned the video back on. I wasn't thinking about that. Not now. I relaxed into the feeling of connection I had with my little girl and cleared my mind, only allowing the events on the screen to fill it.

A booming 'silence' sounded and everyone quieted. "We accept this request." The man with the megaphone spoke to the members of the crowd.

Here, Temari held out her arms towards Gaara. He hesitated, took a step forward and pulled the covering hiding Kimi from all the prying eyes. I could see the muscle in his jaw jump and the crease between his brows form as Temari took her from him, then held her out. The view centered on her and our daughter, her features now easy to see. Kimi looks enough like her father, there could be no doubt the child was his at this point and I waited to hear the reaction.

Temari smirked. "Members of the Elder council, I present to you the daughter of Lord Fifth Gaara of the Sand and his wife, the Lady Kisarei." My heart leapt to my throat. She mentioned me? My eyes widened and I leaned some towards the screen, as much as I could without jarring Kimi, who was still feeding.

There was a crashing sound. "Wife? There has been no-"

"Sit down." The word was harsh, but the off screen chatter ceased, however the crowd within the hall started again, but was silenced with the sound of a drum.

Temari took a deep breath. "The granddaughter of Lord Fourth Rasa and Lady Kurura. Descendant of the renowned yet disbanded Uzumaki clan." Another drum sounded to silence the crowd again. "Niece of Lady Temari and Lord Kankuro. Sister to Lord Shinki, son of Lord Fifth Gaara."

"Damn, you have a long freaking title." I rubbed her back.

Drums sounded in succession and the crowd clapped in sync with the sound. I felt my heart race. What an amazing production. After a couple minutes, the drum was accompanied by a few more and the hall went completely silent. "The council accepts your presentation. It is asked you reveal this child's name for the record of Suna proper."

Temari spoke again. "This child is Kimi, daughter of Lord Fifth Gaara, current and active Kazekage of Suna and his wife the Lady Kisarei, Uzumaki descendant." Uzumaki. They would know my lineage. I really hoped everyone would buy the whole twin idea. If there were no specific reports from Konoha, I might be able to pull it off.

Gaara glared at Temari, the malice obvious on his face. What was he mad about? Even when he was mad, he didn't always show it.

"The council accepts Kimi of the Kazekage clan into full and proper record."

Temari turned and stood next to Gaara again, handing Kimi back to him.

"People of Suna, today we welcome a new princess of Suna! Today is a day to rejoice for the Kazekage has presented us a daughter! Behold, Lady Kimi, daughter of Lord Fifth, Gaara of the Sand!"

Gaara outstretched his arms and held Kimi up for the world to see. The view centered on her and a loud roar of cheers sounded. They stood like that for a minute and he lowered her back to his chest. He leaned over to Temari, held a hand to his neck and said something in her ear. She visibly stiffened, then nodded. I frowned. What had he said? I looked down to Kimi. "You any idea what he said?"

She merely continued to suckle and I sighed. I was feeling tired again. What was with this feeling anyway? Not like I was doing much, just laying here, letting her feed. It shouldn't feel so damn tiring, should it?

"There is no denying it, the child looks too much like the Kazekage to not be his blood child."

"The simple fact the council heard the naming ceremony in full should solidify the fact it is in fact his child. There was no ceremony held when Lord Shinki was put into record as his son."

"This is all just surprising. There has been no announcement to any marriage of the Kazekage. Who is this Lady Kisarei? There must be some sort of word from our sources as to what is going on now the announcement has taken place."

I looked down. I was sleepy, but I was curious to what they thought of me, even though I had not been present.

A woman, who sat with her hands folded in front of her, spoke. "I have just received a notice from the elder council. It states the recent negotiations with Konoha last year solidified a political marriage with a close blood relation to the Seventh Hokage, Naruto Uzumaki. There is no mention how she is related to him, but it is suggested to either be a sibling or cousin of his." The words were soft spoken.

"Naruto Uzumaki." The other woman spoke this time. "There is no need to worry then. Anything connected to him is an asset in all matters regarding the Kazekage."

"We owe a great debt to him. If the only way we have to honor his life is to accept his relative as our Kazekage's wife, then we as a nation will come together and honor it."

I stopped it there. Owe me a great debt. For what? I've never understood why they felt they owed me anything, and it wasn't the first time I heard anyone say it from Suna. On a live broadcast though? Seriously, what in the hell had I ever done, before this, which made everyone think they owed me something? All I did was beat the royal shit out of Gaara as a kid, the rest he did on his own. It still amazed me. While I was out training, he managed to reach Kage level. There was always a gap between us.

Always. Until now. I wouldn't have the ability to fight him anymore. Even if my body were normal I had no intentions of doing that, and haven't, not in a long time. I wasn't sure I could fight him, as acting Hokage, even if I had to. I was halfway sure, if he went insane again, I wouldn't be able to stop him. Wouldn't want to stop him, because it might of meant killing him and I knew there was no way I could do it. I wouldn't handle it. I barely made it through Neji's death. Jiraiya. Gaara though, it would kill me. We were the same person, just different sides, different paths.

I looked down and studied our daughter. This whole thing was almost laughable. Me turning into a chick, marrying the guy I've secretly fawned over since I was a kid and somehow creating the tiny miracle in my arms. Laughable if it weren't true.

It was too quiet in the room. The sand didn't make a sound as it floated around him, just an eerie presence and reminder he was there. I didn't want to watch more of the video. I didn't have any books and the only thing I could think of was Hinata, the kids, and the odd reality my life had become. It feels like a dream, still.

I wonder when the feeling would go away. I closed my eyes a moment. No, it was bad to think of that. I didn't want to feel down, not when I was holding onto my baby. My sweet daughter. I rubbed her back. Think. She detached herself from my body and squirmed. "Oh, done already, huh?" What now? I stared, then remembered I should try to make her burp or something.

I pulled her up to my shoulder and softly patted at her back. It took a little bit but soon she belched and I brought her back where I could see her. "Hi there." I smiled down at her. Her eyes were focused on me again. "Have you remembered me now?" I rested a finger on her palm and tiny fingers wrapped around it, making my smile grow wider. I kept my voice low, soft for her. The sound still was foreign to me, off, but it seemed to make her happy. So, in my need to continue to hear sound, I kept talking. "I'm sorry I wasn't around for so long, can you forgive me? I promise I won't do it again, ok?" Little legs kicked and she pumped the hand that held my finger and I giggled. "Damn, you're cute, you know?" Her little voice made an unintelligible sound.

"You want to hear a story? I think I can come up with a story, does that sound good to you, hm?"

She continued to squirm in my arms.

"I'll take it as a 'yes, mommy I want to hear a story'." I felt my body stiffen. Mommy. The words came without thought. Mother. I swallowed. Don't think about it Naruto, you've got this. Kisarei. I am Kisarei. Woman. Wife. Mother of this little girl. I took a breath in an attempt to ignore the beat of my heart which made itself more known. What story could I tell? I didn't remember the books I read to her while I was pregnant well enough to recite them. My eyes widened. Well, I could try. "Once there was a little ninja. He grew up all alone, but was determined for others to notice him. He tried and tried and one day, when he thought all was lost, someone did notice him." The words felt easy, natural. My own story, dumbed down without the harder things added in. I continued on, speaking soft, keeping her attention.

Kimi, my beautiful daughter, I will do everything in my power to never have you feel alone.


	47. Truths

**Kisarei**

I woke to bright light and I squinted to see. Kimi's weight was gone from my chest and I hurried to sit up to see if anything happened. I let out a breath when I took in the sight of Gaara sitting on the window sil sideways, his foot propped up on the ledge, his arm resting on his knee. His other arm cradled Kimi. Safe. I reached up expecting my arm to be out of my sleeve yet, but it was back in place. I was too sound of a sleeper anymore. With a baby nearby, it probably wasn't a good thing.

I watched Gaara for a while. He hadn't noticed I woke up yet and stared out the window. When had he come out of his rest? I had no idea. Sometime between when I fell asleep telling my story to Kimi and now, obviously. I tried to study his neck, but either there were no remaining marks, or he covered them up with sand. It was bugging me. This, and I was still curious what he said to Temari. I took a breath. "What happened to your neck?"

His back straightened, then he turned to me. "You finished it."

I narrowed my eyes. "That wasn't an answer."

He looked back out the window and hummed. "You slept well?"

"Damn it, why do you always avoid everything I-" Sand rushed up at my mouth and clamped down on it, forcing me to quiet. I pulled at it, but the stuff wouldn't budge from my skin.

He looked back to me again. "I had an injury." There was a darkness in his expression I couldn't read. Unease maybe.

I swallowed and the sand fell from my face. I rubbed where it had been and chanced another question. "What did you say to Temari then? It's my only other question." I sounded too down for my liking and tried to hide my disappointment with a smile. Fake. He probably could tell.

His eyes drifted down to Kimi. "I described in what way I wanted to kill her."

A cold chill passed over me. He wasn't being serious. Was he? "Why?" Call his bluff.

His eyes shifted back to me. "Her name was to be Kimiko."

Kimiko? "Isn't that the name of that weird doctor? Why name her after someone like that?"

For a few minutes, I didn't think he was going to respond. He sat, his expression the same as always, holding the stare which always made my skin crawl a little. He broke his stare and looked back out the window. "You and Kimi are only alive because of what she has done."

Alive because? "What did she do?" What could she have done to save us? I don't even remember outside of what she injected in me. Wait. "Was it something to do with whatever she injected into me before I had Kimi?"

I heard the sound of cracking sand and soon cracks formed in the visible parts of his arm and hand. The substance peeled off of him, swirled around and settled back down only to rip off again and start the process. "No." He looked at me. "Yes." Then down to Kimi. "Both."

"I don't think I'm following." I frowned and pulled my legs under me.

He sighed. "I don't want to remember what happened." His eyes shifted upward. They glistened, tears unshed. The muscle in his jaw flexed and he took a deep breath. "You deserve to know. I met Kimiko as a child and saved her."

Saved her? "Hold on, if you were still a kid, why did-" Sand returned to my mouth, muffling me. I brought my hand back to it.

His hand was positioned on his knee yet with his fingers splayed out. "Let me finish, or else I won't."

I nodded and his hand relaxed, the sand retracted from my face.

He closed his eyes a moment then moved from the window and came to sit next to me on the bed, facing away from me. "I destroyed a couple of vermin calling her a monster. It confused me they were more afraid of her when it should naturally have been me." Here he looked back to me, an odd smile on his face. A smile hinting at his past, the part of him which creeped me out more than anything. "She wiped their blood from my face. Promised me she would return. I had no idea it was my doctor all along. She sees the future, Na..." His head swiveled away from me and his back tensed. "Rei. Is it alright if I call you Rei?"

"Yeah, I guess. Why not? Temari already did."

"I see." He relaxed again, his shoulders losing some of their tension. "Kimiko showed me what would happen until I was able to kill all of them. If it wasn't for her, you would have been killed and Kimi..." His voice cracked and he left the sentence to hang. He moved his other arm to the bundle he was holding, bringing it closer to his chest. "Do you understand?"

I stared at his back. My mouth went dry as he spoke, a growing lump in my stomach grew with every word. "She can show others the future?"

He nodded and the lump in my stomach dropped. I felt sick. There was only one thing which came to mind from what he was telling me. If she showed the future, and he knew we would have died then... I hoped it wasn't true. Even if it didn't happen, I knew what it was like to lose him. He had died on me. I had to hold his lifeless body, I had to grieve, even if for only a day.

"You watched me die?" I had to know. I didn't want to ask, but I just had to know.

Stiffness returned to his shoulders, then he stood from the bed. He used the sand to move Kimi to her bassinet. He twisted to face me, opened his mouth, pointed at me, then turned again. My throat tightened.

"Gaara." I choked out his name. He had. I could tell by his reaction.

Instead of answering me, he crumpled to the ground and his hands grasped at his hair. A muffled cry sounded from him and he doubled over on himself, his body shaking.

"Gaara..." I moved my legs to the side of the bed. I wanted to go to him. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted... Hell with it. Even if I didn't get but one or two steps in, I would drag myself to him. I was alive, somehow I had managed to live through all this. It's what I told myself about him, he was alive. It didn't matter if he was dead for a day or more, he was alive now and it was all that mattered. I gripped the bed. Come on. It was just halfway across the room. Just a few steps wouldn't hurt. Much. I breathed in through my nose and shoved myself up. I stood, my legs shaking beneath me. Alright, progress. I clenched my hands into fists and forced my leg forward. It was a stiff movement, but it moved. I planted my foot to the ground and moved my other foot forward. It landed and I smiled in spite of myself.

Two steps. Two solid steps, it was more than I had managed before. I took a third, then a fourth. A quarter of the way there. I could do this, I could actually do this! I took a deep breath and took another step. He was fully balled now, his hands at the top of his head, spikes of red hair clenched between his fingers.

The next step was my last. My heel hit the ground and a sharp shock of pain erupted up my leg, spreading out to my spine. I cried out and found myself on the ground. Damn it. Damn, damn, damn. I growled out a cry from frustration and hit the floor. I hissed at the impact and shook out my hand. Walking was out. I would have to pull myself to him.

A sob sounded from him and I knew I had to move. Damn my stupid body. I grit my teeth and worked at scooting myself over to him. It was slow going, but at least I was moving. Inch by precious inch I neared him. I'm alive Gaara. Look at me, everything is ok, I'm alive. "Gaara, come on, everything is OK, look, see, I'm alright. Please." The words felt pointless, but the shuddering in his shoulders ebbed. I breathed out a sigh and worked to get closer. "Listen, my legs might not work yet, but you know how determined I get. I won't let it keep me down long. I give you my word. I will walk again. I will be whatever I need to be in order to be a good mother, as weird as it still sounds to me. If it means never being a ninja again..." I let the words trail off there. I couldn't promise it wouldn't bother me. I just couldn't. I was sure it would. Giving up my identity was hard enough, but being a ninja was part of my very soul.

If it means never being a ninja again, it was with those words his whole body stiffened. His hands dropped from his head. He mumbled something inaudible, only the dark rumble which indicated he spoke was heard.

"What?" I pulled myself closer. Almost there. Just a couple more scoots, and I would have him in my grasp. He didn't answer my question, he just remained still, unmoving. An easy target. Once I was close enough I grabbed onto his shoulder. His muscle jumped beneath my hand and I felt something crawl across his body. Sand. I shuddered but continued on. "Gaara." With one more scoot forward I was able to wrap my arms around him. "To this day I have nightmares. Sometimes it is just the memory, sometimes my mind plays a trick and carries through with the what if and..." I trailed off. A deep breath. I needed to say this. "I am not sure if I would have been able to come back after losing you. Really losing you. I lost it, for a while I lost it, I didn't care who lived or died, I just wanted..." I buried my head into his back and squeezed him as tight as I could.

"I remember how it felt to carry your body. To see you lifeless on the ground, cold with the stiffness of death set in. Nothing more than a shell of you." The words brought the memory back and my throat tightened. I pushed it away, I didn't want to remember, but this felt necessary. "You were dead, actually dead. Not a vision of the future, it happened. Damn it, you were dead for at least a day and I had to-"

"I would have killed everything."

I froze, a cold chill entering my veins from the soft injection. "Everything?"

"Suna, then anything else."

I swallowed. With him, it wouldn't have been an exaggeration. "I should stay alive then, huh?"

I felt his body relax. "I would recommend it, yes." He unfurled from his previous position and heaved a sigh.

Sand gathered around my body without my notice and I was back in the bed before I realized fully what was going on. "Wait, I-"

He was standing next to me, his arms crossed. A definitive frown was settled on him, the wrinkle between his brows present. His bright eyes were boring into me. Studying me. It made my heart race, wondering what he was thinking. "It isn't a matter of 'if'." His eyes broke contact and moved away from me.

There was a small lurch in my stomach. "If what?"

He knelt down and rested his arms on the bed. "If you will be a ninja again. It isn't a matter of if, nor when." He stared at the bedding, a muscle in his jaw jumped as he pursed his lips.

"What do you mean?"

"I need to tell you now before I lose the chance to do it myself I..." He took a deep breath and raised his eyes up to meet my own. "You will never again be a ninja. What happened to you, it has destroyed your entire chakra network. I looked at it myself, it is beyond repair."

Beyond... "I don't get it, if my chakra system is off, wouldn't I be a vegetable or something?"

"I called in Sakura." Sakura? Why Sakura? "She knows your anatomy better than anyone else. If there is anything to be done, she will know how to go about it." He raised from his place and crawled up to the bed, sitting next to me. My question must have shown on my face for him to answer so quickly.

"I don't want to see her. Not yet."

He hummed. "It is necessary." His arm raised and his fingers traced along my jaw. "The nine tail fox was removed from you, your ability to heal is the only thing I attribute to your life right now. I want to ensure there is no repercussions from losing him."

 _Kurama._ "He has a name. Had." I choked on the word.

"Did he change his name as well?" Gaara's face blanked.

I stared. Was he being serious? "He died, didn't he? I was selfish, Gaara." I run a hand through my hair. "I picked Kimi and you over Kurama and my own life, and he paid for it."

"He's not dead." He tensed again. "He is here, in this room."

My heart shot up from my chest and lodged within my throat. "He is?" I shuddered. Alive. I hadn't killed him. I let out a shaky breath. "Where? If he isn't in me, then where would...?" I let the question hang.

His eyes drifted over to the bassinet, a darkness passed over his features a moment before his expression went blank again. The bassinet? What could... Oh.

 _Oh._ Numb. It was the only feeling I could register. Kimi. He... "How?" My voice felt tight and I wasn't sure any sound came with the question.

He took a breath. "No idea. He was inside her when she was born." His eyes were fixed on me, intense. "Like I was." A frown formed on his face and his intense gaze fell. "It is not fair, she too must deal with what we had."

She, our daughter, she had... She... "But... How. Seriously." I flopped back onto the bed, still trying to process everything. I brought my arm up to my face. Not fair, huh? I had to hide my face because I could feel the numb ebb away and what was replacing it wasn't anything I wanted to have Gaara see. Not when he was so concerned, worried. The smile formed beneath my arm.

Kurama was alive. I hadn't killed him. My decision hadn't killed anyone except the old me and my clone. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to cheer. He was my friend, he would do right by my daughter. I knew he would. "Doesn't matter does it?" I pulled my arm back down, letting my smile show. Hell with it, let him see.

"You..." A pause. "You are happy for this?"

"I knew Kurama was gone, I thought he had died. He's my friend, Gaara."

"But-"

I leaned forward, pressing my hand to his mouth. He allowed it to stay, but his eyes narrowed at me. My smile softened and I let go. "Just... Just let me finish." I leaned back and looked up to the spiral on the ceiling. "It's not like she inherited Shukaku, I would be more worried about him than Kurama. Besides, I know he would never do anything to hurt her. He would protect her, for me. I'm going to miss him, you know. Every once in a while we would talk when I thought I had nobody else to talk to." I wrapped my arms around my middle. "So, there's nothing wrong with her having him. Besides, Kimi will have us. It's more than either of us had growing up, right?" I turned my head to him. He was watching me with wide eyes. He gave me a slow nod and I continued. "Me, you, Shinki, Kankuro. She has family who cares, and between you and Shinki, she can learn to control her abilities, right?"

Another nod, this one more hesitant than the one previous. "She is strong, Rei." He stood. "I barely could hold the sand still during her burst. It was the first, the only time it has happened, but..." He trailed off.

"We will figure it out. I give you my word."

His eyes closed and he breathed in through his nose. "My death bothered you?"

My stomach twisted. Why the change back to that? "What the hell kind of question is that?" I sat up. I didn't really want to talk about it anymore.

"It was you." He opened his eyes back up and looked down at me. "You who brought me out of it. I was alone, surrounded by darkness. I knew I hadn't done enough. What a fitting ending to me, to be alone. Then, in the distance, there you were. Running at me, coming for me. Screaming at me to wake, telling me I wasn't alone." He grasped at the fabric over his chest. "You gave me a piece of your life so I would live again." He tilted his head at me. "I have never asked, but why?"

I stared at him a moment. I swallowed. "I didn't know what I was doing at the time, I just needed to bring you back." His eyes shifted away from me. I groaned. "Hell, if it would have taken every ounce of my life to save you, I would have. I didn't care. I had to do something. That old lady said she could do it. She was about to pass out so I helped her with whatever the hell she was doing. I didn't know she was exchanging her life for yours. Even if I did know, I would have done it. I can't..." I trailed off, noticing his eyes back on me. "I can't exist without you. We were the same. If one lived, both of us should live. If you died..." I let it hang. I didn't care about the implication. Life without Gaara. I didn't want to imagine it. My clone killed himself with the thought of no contact.

Gaara studied me for a few minutes in silence, then created a chair out of sand and sat next to my bed.

I groaned. "You know, there are real chairs everywhere. There is actually one right next to you." I pointed at the thing not even three feet away from him.

He didn't move, look or acknowledge what I said. Instead, he continued to stare at me in silence. "If Kimiko had not allowed me to see the future, I would have been called to a meeting that day." His voice was low, almost a growl. "The explosion would have happened while I was there. I would have arrived just in time to see a sword plunged into your chest, and it would have been too late. You were too weak to heal yourself, I was too late to heal you. I would have tried saving her, but she was still too little. She died in my hands. Our Kimi, if it weren't for her, she..." His eyes hooded. He took a breath. "I didn't want to become attached to her. Not before I knew if she would live. Your life was more important to me, yet I knew, in the moment I lost her, I needed to have both of you."

I hummed and thought about what was told to me before. Gaaruto following her around everywhere like a watchdog. We owed her. "So that's why."

He tilted his head, his curiosity betrayed by the slight sparkle in his eyes.

"Gaaruto. Why he follows her around. We are different now, but we came from the same place. He knows we owe her for our life." I smiled at him.

"Owe her for..." He trailed off, his eyes widened and he stood up, the chair he was in disintegrated and disappeared into the floor, invisible to the eye. He swept out his arm and sand rose from the floor, took hold of a table at the end of the room and placed it near where he was standing with a thud. "We shall play a game."

I stared at him. Was he hiding something? I sighed. Did it matter? This whole thing felt... Different. I needed to just go with it. Take my moment with him before he flaked on me again, and who knew when that would be? "What are we playing?"

He came to the bed and his arms went behind my shoulders and legs. There was a hard pressure and then I was against him. It made my breath hitch and I grabbed the cloth at his chest. "Cards." I felt the rumble in his chest as well as heard it.

"Ok." Can't argue with that.

He carried me a few steps, then leaned down. I was set into a chair next to the table and he moved it in. "I am sure you want out of bed, so why not sit here for now?"

My throat was too tight to speak so I nodded. Yeah. Okay. I can handle sitting at a real table. Why not? He sat down across from me after retrieving a pack of cards from his desk drawer and started to deal.

We played in silence. It was the same game he played with me when I was pregnant, so I didn't need any instructions, nor was I ready to speak again. Every so often I would peek up at him and every once in a while, our eyes met. We remained silent.

It was fine. I was happy to have him there, even in the silence.

* * *

A few hours in, Kimi woke back up and demanded attention. Gaara went to her and tended to her diaper. I frowned, noticing for the first time the pillowcase I wrapped her in earlier was gone. "You changed her while I was sleeping?"

He didn't bother to look back at me. He merely hummed and finished what he was doing. Once he discarded the other diaper into the bathroom, he returned to the table holding her to his chest. "I have been told I too was premature and small." His eyes did not leave her as he spoke, a soft smile gracing his porcelain features. She cooed at him, her small body wiggled as she did.

I smiled at them. My family, my new family. The thought made the smile falter as the memory of Hinata, Boruto and Himawari floated in my mind. I looked down at the cards. Family. This was something new for Gaara, and I didn't regret it. I didn't but...

I already had one. A family. I gave them away to be with him, to give life to Kimi. Her life had been an accident, I wasn't given a choice, Gaara was never given a choice. If I knew this was going to be the outcome, I wondered if I would have chosen the same path. If I would have given up my life in Konoha, my position in favor of having a chance with him.

Considering I always thought Gaara never had a desire for such things, I doubted it. I swallowed. I wanted to be angry with Hinata. Choosing this for me, planting the idea in my head. She had given up on me, let me go and never gave me any hints to what she was doing.

I felt sick. Acid rose in my throat and I set my cards down. Pointless. I didn't feel like playing anymore. I wanted to, I wanted to enjoy having Gaara for myself, our child. Ours. Because of Hinata. All of this was because of my wife. My ex-wife. She effectively killed me off, ruined any chance of me fixing whatever was wrong with me and...

"There is something wrong."

I stiffened and met his eyes. He frowned at me, his hands entertaining Kimi still, yet all his attention was on me.

"Nah, I'm fine."

His eyes narrowed at the lie. "Do not keep hiding things from me, Naruto." He stressed my name through clenched teeth.

I took a breath. I went to talk, but for once, words failed me. Personal. Painful. I did not want to burden him. I didn't want to think about it.

"You kept your condition from me for months. I did not learn of it until I was forced into a marriage with a mystery woman after the death of the seventh Hokage." A frown settled on his face, his brow line furrowed. I idly wondered what he would look like if he had them.

"I'm sorry." The distraction allowed me to speak.

He stared at me, the same irritated look stayed on his face. He didn't bother to hide it from me. "Do not keep things from me." His voice dipped lower and a shiver run up my spine at the depth in his voice. A depth, not only in sound but in meaning.

My throat tightened again and I nodded. I swallowed to ease it and looked down to my hands. My right hand stood out more than with the bandages on, the grey of the skin unnatural against the other. "I was thinking of my family."

He didn't respond, not at first. He settled back into the chair and shifted Kimi so she was facing him. He started to rub her back and his eyes hooded. "If it were a conscious wish, would you have wished for this?"

My eyes widened. "Well, no."

"I see."

"Not... Don't take it that way."

"How else should I take it? It is a pointless question, your answer does not matter."

I took a deep breath. Damn it. I leaned forward. "Don't get me wrong, but even with a wish I highly doubt I would have ever considered turning into a girl, somehow getting you to marry me and having your kids anything beyond an insane fantasy which was better to keep to my damn self." I slumped over. "You think I haven't thought of it. I wi..." I stopped myself from saying the word 'wish'. So far the word hasn't gone well for me. "If there were a way to go back in time, where it could have been a choice, if... I've thought about it. I've had a lot of time to think about it. I don't know how it could have gone any different and still be here, in this situation. Consciously wanting this would have meant deliberately hurting Hinata and the kids, and no matter what I wanted, I would never have done it. It makes me sick, you know. Not so much on Hinata, but the kids. They didn't deserve me leaving and I have no idea if they think I'm dead or if they know what-" My voice broke. "What would they think? I'm a chick, what in the hell would they think?"

I planted my elbows on the table and buried my head in my hands. Now my mind was on it, it wouldn't budge. I abandoned them. Would they think I preferred my kids with Gaara? My stomach knotted, knowing I would want another one. One we chose, one we deliberately created. How could they forgive me for it? They wouldn't. I was sure they wouldn't.

"Will you regret us?" The question was soft, almost a whisper.

I took a deep breath in through my nose and let it out slow in an attempt to calm my thoughts, my nerves. Regret. I looked up to him, the forced blank of his face and his eyes which held so much apprehension to the question. I could feel it in his stare, the way his hand trembled just so on Kimi's back. A warmth flooded me with the thought of our future. Having him near, raising her and the maybe of another. My lips twitched upward. "Not you, never you. It's still weird to me, I'll admit it." I shoved off the table and leaned back in my chair. "The whole 'I'm a chick' thing. I've always been straight, you know. I like girls, don't know if that will ever fully go away. My first kiss was with a guy though."

His face scrunched. "I know." He lowered Kimi to his lap. "Uchiha." The name was venomous.

"Still hate him, huh?" I sighed. I wasn't able to convince everyone he was a decent guy underneath it all.

There was a moment of silence before he spoke. "I dislike him, I have had cordial relations with him in the past and will continue to as the need arises. I will not go out of my way to seek him out, nor will I ever choose to do so." His tone of voice was diplomatic, as though he had been through this spiel more than once.

I decided not to push him on it. Sasuke was a weak point between us, even in later years. I took a breath. "This is the most we have talked. I think, ever, the past couple days."

He hummed. Kimi moved and he brought her up to sit on his lap and bounced her.

I watched. Amazing. Really, this was amazing. He was so awkward with Shinki, petrified of him I never thought he would be so good with a baby. Maybe it's because he had to watch her alone for so long? Probably. Though the length of time left a sour taste in my mouth, I smiled. I wanted to clear my mind. I wanted this moment to last forever. I wasn't ready to deal with everything else. I didn't want to deal with everything else. I had Gaara in my room, talking to me about things which were personal and...

I just wanted to focus on this one small win. "My deal, right?" We were in the middle of a game, but to be honest, I couldn't even remember whose turn it was now.

Gaara looked up at me, gave a slight tilt to his head, then nodded. "Kisarei." He paused long enough to draw my full attention. "You will never be a regret of mine."

I stared. Once the words fully processed in my mind, I gave him a slow nod, then started to deal the next hand. After this, we remained mostly silent. Passing time. Enjoying the presence of each other. I was able to tend to Kimi, change her. Feed her. So beautiful.

Like her father. I felt content. My thoughts from earlier didn't plague me and I was able to focus on my new little family.

I prayed to whatever might be listening, the nagging feeling of hopeless inadequacy would stay away this time. Let me enjoy them. Let me have this, please, let me have this.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's creeping closer to the end of this. Only a couple more chapters to go before Leaves is done. I will be focusing on my book after this is complete, but by the end of this I will come up with a solid date for the release of the first chapter of 'The Bearable Weight of Ink'. There's still a long way to go with this story and I hope you all continue to read and enjoy :)
> 
> As always, comments/reviews serve to inspire <3


	48. A New Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note
> 
> Alright, I couldn't get past how terrible the past couple of chapters were to me. So, before I finished this where it was I had to go back and fix what I had put out. After catching back up to this, I aim for a once a week update until the end of November. (This isn't the thing I am working on for NaNoWriMo so this will be a fit it in while still hitting my word counts on book 3 of Inheritants) I already have the first chapter of Ink done as well, so this is more of a backup and redo.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it better now I am working the kinks out of these chapters. I think I got too excited to move on to the next book of this series I was rushing it. Sorry for the delay in the story <3
> 
> As always comments/reviews serve to inspire.

  


 

**Gaara**

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

My stomach twisted as the clock's second hand moved closer to the twelve. It was almost over, my two days of asylum, and I would have to leave. I would have to see what they wanted on the other side of the sand. I would have to go back to work. I would have to figure out a schedule to give to my wife's new attendant to coordinate visitations. I would have to figure out what exactly I should do in order to please the requirements of the minimum amount of outings the council required, including the specific locations they placed inside my list of demands. I didn't want to think on this part. It was almost too much to think about the basics required in just the tradition. This I would focus on, get to the engagement announcement then. My heart leapt to my throat and I shifted my eyes from the clock to my sleeping wife.

One week of outing. Then, a public announcement on the possibility of engagement.

An engagement to be engaged. I couldn't even tell her. It would be a surprise. I wondered if the attendant would tell her. This was going to be excruciating. Difficult. Annoying.

Worth it. As long as I could figure out what happened to the engagement necklace I had given my wife. I could not have the public announcement without it, so what happened to it? Naruto was holding onto the box then she went into labor. Beyond this moment, I hadn't thought of it, until now. It wasn't in the room, I checked. I had no idea. I suppressed a groan and returned my eyes to the clock.

Tick.

Tick.

Ileapedted. Just a mere four measly minutes left. I watched the second hand continue to tick on. I was holding onto my Kimi. I didn't want to leave and take her with me, but in three minutes, forty seconds, I would not have a choice. I would leave her here with her mother, but I couldn't chance it. Not when I didn't know what could trigger her ability, if there was in fact a real trigger. I'd never forgive myself if I allowed Kimi to asphyxiate her own mother with sand just because I was not there.

Three minutes, seven seconds. I let my eyes wander back over to my wife. Her sleeping form looked both peaceful and uncomfortable. How could she sleep in such odd positions? Roughly two hours after she had fallen asleep, this happened. I don't understand sleep. Anything I knew of it was it was supposed to be healing. This, I cannot imagine how such a posture was good for anyone.

My nerves rose and I forced my eyes back to the clock again, my fingers twitching on my daughter. My breath caught and I stilled, hoping I didn't wake her. Two minutes, twenty two seconds. There was no extra movement in my arms, nor sounds so I took a breath. I could still feel the disturbance to my sand barrier downstairs. More than one person now. I wondered what could be so important they would attempt such a thing. They knew better than to disturb me when I had one in place.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

I stood from my chair, then lifted up the makeshift kitchen. It could be this, couldn't it? What the demanding thumps were for. I was careful when I opened the door. I filed the appliances out of the room, then thought better of the counter. This, this might serve useful in this space. I set it back down against the far wall and looked back at the clock.

Forty eight seconds. I glanced at her and accidentally tightened my grip on our daughter. She made a small sound and I patted her back. My heart lept up to my throat. Two more months. Two more months and this woman will officially be my wife. There would be no question, no backlash. I knew she would win over Suna, perhaps even some of those who did not care for me. In a mere week, they would present her. I read over the paper again. After the first round of outings, they would announce our engagement. I swallowed.

They would love her. To them, she would be his sister. To them, they owed everything to him. To accept a close relative, one who managed to settle me down enough to provide the village with a new line of children.

Children. There was the thought again. Of course, it would be more convincing if I could find the necklace. My heart jumped up to my throat. The necklace. I didn't see it in my room. Perhaps it was boxed and taken care of by Kankuro or one of the nurses? I would have to check.

Tick.

I have to go. I twisted out of the door and released the barrier of sand, allowing my intruders their shot at me. Soon a muffled voice became more clear. "Damn it Gaara, what the hell did you do to my kitchen, and another thing, I-" With every step his voice was easier to hear and soon, I passed him by.

I didn't respond to him and tuned out the complaints which erupted from the orifice within his face. Behind me was the small arsenal of kitchen equipment, which I continued to carry down to where I had stolen it from. Borrowed. Commandeered, actually. The counter I would claim as stolen.

I didn't say anything while I set the kitchen appliances and most of the counter tops back into place. It didn't take me long to get everything back into place and reconnected. After it was done I sat down, heavily in one of the dining room chairs. I stared at the empty space on the wall where the counter I left upstairs was supposed to be.

Soon, he blocked my vision and pointed at the empty space. "Care to elaborate on that?"

"I will replace the counter."

Kankuro leaned against the wall opposite where the kitchen appliances should be and crossed his arms. "Replace, huh? Don't get me wrong here Gaara, but in about a day you will complain about there being no counter and ask me to make another one." He sat down next to me. "And I know you will because you will want it to be exact and match what's already here."

I kept my eyes trained on him, but did not respond. Mainly because he was correct in his assessment and I would want an exact replacement. I did not, however, have a desire to express this.

Kankuro sighed. "Now you're done with whatever the hell that was, I want to know how it went." He sighed, brought his hand to his face and rubbed his chin. "No. While I want to know, you need to call Temari and you have roughly an hour to do it. It's why I've been trying to get to you."

Temari? I tilted my head. "Why?"

"She's been calling here for the past four hours. Something important I think."

Important? A lump formed in my throat and I secured Kimi to my chest with sand to free my hands. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" I leaned up over the table, placing my hands firm on the surface. The only important thing she could have called over would be Shinki. For Shinki, I would have come down.

His face fell. "Really?"

I stared at him. Temari broke down my sand barrier, he surely could have if he felt it important enough. I chose not to voice the opinion and I looked at the phone. The odd contraption on the wall. I would need to return her call. I took a breath. "Will you..." I trailed off. I hated those things. It was difficult enough to make calls within Suna, but it was impossible once directed out of our area. It was exhausting. My monthly calls to Naruto felt pointless, yet necessary. I had stopped after what happened. I barely talked to him on a normal basis, how could I after-

"Fine." He shoved off from the wall, grabbed the offensive thing and pressed a series of numbers. Then, he tossed it at me. He smirked at me then saluted. "Good luck."

I caught it and brought it up to my ear. I swallowed. I didn't want to talk. "Why?" The word was barely audible. Couldn't he just do this for me? I gripped it a bit too tight.

"Consider it payment."

I stared.

"For the counter." He pointed at the empty spot on the wall.

I groaned and was about to respond when a female voice came from the earpiece. "Hello?" It was not a voice I recognized. Who had he contacted?

"I..." I swallowed. My mind went blank. What was I doing? Temari. Right. "Speak with Temari." My voice cracked while I spoke. I was not prepared for this. I had not worked out a conversation, I did not weigh out the possible questions, answers nor had I created a written script to follow. I should have waited. I didn't have time.

"Um, alright. Who is calling? What is the surname?"

I froze. "I-" Nothing. My breath caught. "I am..." I trailed off.

There was a groan and the thing was plucked away from me. "Yeah, hi. This is Kankuro." A pause. "Uh, huh." Another pause. "Yes, this is coming from Suna, and yes I understand there is still a communications issue. This one is personal." He flashed me a quick smile and raised his thumb. "Just connect me with my sister will ya?" He looked up to me and his smirk widened. "It'll be a sec. They are kind of used to me."

I clenched my jaw. I was sick of relaying information through Kankuro to my own sister. Why were they so much closer? An image of them fighting over a toy while I watched from the top of the stairs floated through my mind, creating a twinge in my heart and I grabbed the phone back from him. My call. I didn't need him to do this for me. I was the Kazekage. I could do this, it's part of my job, wasn't it? Besides, it was only my sister on the other line. I gripped it again and held it to my ear. I listened. I could do this. Talking to Temari would be fine without a script, wouldn't it?

It was silent. I waited. Still more silence. What was taking so long? If something happened to my son while on the way to Konoha, I would decimate them. Turn everyone in the village to sand. Allow their blood to replace his, then turn my wrath on the council. Having him go on this mission was not my choice, it's ranking was far too high for him. Another year or two and he would have more experience to deal with a situation such as this, but now was not yet time for him. Not when it was this personal. Not when his emotions may outweigh the mission. I needed him to have more experience. More willpower against things which would go wrong. Prepare. I did not trust his judgement, yet. If this mission killed him-

There was a loud crack near my ear as the apparatus in my hand began to crack. I could feel my desire to feel blood coat my body rise and I forced myself to calm down. The day had been a lazy one. A day filled with needed conversation then just some time to be. Just simply... Be. Be with my wife, be with my daughter. Breathe, exist. The time I spent upstairs calmed my nerves and in a single moment it came crashing back to me.

I growled. What in the world was taking so long for sound to pass through this infernal device? I moved it from my head, gave it a firm shake and pressed it back to my ear. "Is there any person attached to the other end of this?" I glared at Kankuro who was watching me with an annoying smile plastered to his face.

"Should be." He gave a half laugh. "Not my fault you locked everyone out of your little meeting with the idiot upstairs, she's probably asleep now." He gave a shrug. "As I said, it's been hours."

I narrowed my eyes. I wanted to interject with a statement defending my wife, but there was no use denying my wife had idiotic tendencies. Such tendencies I blamed for our current predicament, and I was not about to complain about them. If she weren't inherently an idiot, I would not have a wife nor child right now. I support my wife's idiocy.

"Hello?" The voice over the receptacle startled me out of any retort I could have said.

Was this Temari? I wasn't sure. "Yes." I cringed inwardly at my own word.

"Gaara?" Temari's voice sounded strange on the thing next to my ear, but with my name I was at least able to connect the voice to the person now.

"Yes." I froze, my mind went blank. "I." I swallowed, hoping to clear my mind. "You are in Konoha?" My grip tightened on the phone. I hate these things.

"Um, yeah, I am." There was a yawn.

There was a moment of silence and I gave Kankuro a quick glare. "I see." I still had no idea what to say. I wanted to ask about Shinki, but was unsure yet of how to word the question.

"It is you then." She took a deep breath. "I've been calling for hours, where have you been, anyway?"

With Naruto. I didn't want to answer, but when she didn't continue I forced myself to speak. "Upstairs." Why did it matter? She should have known I was to have those two days with her.

"You..." She trailed off then sighed. "Alright, I get it. I just wanted to let you know I appealed the assignment with Shinki."

My heart leapt up to my throat. Shinki. I straightened my back, both apprehension and excitement warring to take hold of me. "Did they rescind the proposal?" _Please._

"Gaara." She emphasized my name in a long, drawn out tired voice. She took a deep breath then the line went quiet.

Quiet long enough I wasn't sure if she hung up on me. I shifted the thing in my hands and moved it to my other ear. My stomach twisted and I swallowed my heart back down into my chest. "Temari?" My voice cracked and I clenched my jaw, annoyed my emotion came through my voice.

There was another moment of silence.

"Tem-"

"The Hokage is adamant about sending him." Her voice was rushed, quiet.

The crack was audible from the plastic cracking beneath my grip. Why? "Did you bring up how the mission would be personal for him?" It didn't make sense to me. Why send for, and send a lower ranked ninja with a personal connection towards their death?

"It didn't matter. Said it was more personal to them, considering everyone loved Naruto. Gaara, I tried but I couldn't change their minds."

I didn't respond. How could I? I let the phone fall against the wall and paced a moment before returning to it. My last hope was in them changing their minds about sending him off towards an enemy even I had trouble with. He was still too young. Too impressionable. I closed my eyes and brought it back up to my ear. I tried to speak, but nothing came.

"I need to let you know they are not able to spare anyone until this mission is complete. Sakura asked me to let you know. Once all teams are back within Konoha, she'll come check on your wife. I'm sorry. So is she."

I stared at the wall. I didn't need her just for Naruto- no Kisarei, but for Nobuo. Now I had allowed myself to think of releasing my largest secret, I wanted it over with. I should have done it sooner. Gave him a shot at life sooner. I breathed in through my nose. Why, after all these years was his well being so important to me now? My wife's image floated in my mind and I took a breath. The wait wasn't important. Not right now. There were other things to worry about. "Temari."

There was a small moment of silence. "Yeah?"

"Keep him safe."

"I promise you, I will bring him home with me."

I steeled my shoulders. Images of when I killed him in my vision floated through my mind. No, he wasn't allowed to die. Not yet. I would destroy them. All of them. "Alive." I whispered it, but I placed as much weight into it as possible.

"He is my family too, Gaara." When I didn't respond, she sighed. "Yes, alive. I will bring him back alive."

"I will expect it." I shoved the piece in my hand back onto the receiver. I was done talking. I wanted to leave. Clear my head. I looked over to Kankuro. "I'm going outside."

His face twisted. "Uh, Gaara, what the hell?"

I shoved past him, ignoring his protests as I did. I didn't care. I didn't want to tell him. Tell him Shinki had no out for this mission. Tell him if it weren't for a seer showing me where all of our attackers were, all of them would already be dead. That I would have killed my own son- _his_ son. Technically. I didn't even want to think about that. He was mine.

I didn't want to tell him about Nobuo. Not yet. I wasn't ready. I couldn't. I needed to get away. I grabbed Kimi from where I had set her and left through the door after securing her to my chest. The sun heated my sand and I pushed myself forward. I added another layer around Kimi, who calmed with the growing presence of sand. I slowed my pace and brought my arms back around her, letting them sink into the sand until my skin met the cloth which surrounded her. I stopped where I was and looked upward.

Without thinking I headed to the outer edges of Suna. The bluffs beyond the main city were always unoccupied and were only used in the more populated areas as open space for children to play. I forced my nerves to calm, allowing Kimi's presence to bring me back out of my thoughts.

"I never took your brother there." I rubbed her back and gathered the sand beneath my feet. I lifted us up and moved us toward the bluffs. I felt the cavern near where I used to play as a child. Were there others in other parts of the city or was it the only place I could use for my idea for my wife? My family. With Kimi showing signs of having my abilities, it would be important to create a safe haven for her. Away from prying eyes, away from judgement where she can play the way she wants to. Just... Away.

These thoughts pushed me to move faster. The pace made it a quick trip to my destination and soon I was standing on the sandstone above Suna, looking over the village. I moved the sand around Kimi so she was covered in a sand umbrella from above to protect her from the glaring sun then uncovered her. I shifted her in my arms so she could face outward. "This is Suna. There are many people who live here who I must protect." _People I must also protect you from, little one_. I left this part unsaid and looked down to her, then pressed my lips to the top of her head. I lingered them there allowing the soft pressure against the sand which covered them. My precious child. I breathed her in. "Your brother will be back soon." The words felt empty, and I knew they were meant for my own peace of mind.

I sunk down to the ground to sit and closed my eyes. The reason I came here beyond wanting to clear my mind. I looked out across Suna to the far side where I grew up, barely visible from where I sat. There, deep within the rock was a cavern, one large enough to create a small sanctuary if I chose to. If there was one there, there was a small possibility there were others like it, hidden inside the rocks surrounding Suna. If there were, I was going to find them. If there were others, I could build the family home farther away from my old district. I would have to anyway. I clenched my jaw. I had to find something. I took a deep breath and felt into the rock, looking for an open space. Nothing was close to the surface, so I felt deeper. Deeper.

Nothing. I groaned, knowing my silent hope of finding a new cavern without much effort was no longer a valid one. I didn't bother to stand, instead opting to lift us up in our current position with sand and deposited us further down the ridge line. After I was centered in the area, I repeated the process. Then, after no results were found, I moved further. Closer to the old fields, closer to where the original desert roses grew. Abandoned and left to die. Old, petrified vines covered the ground here, near the edge of the rock wall. I moved us to the edge. The corner of my lips twitched upward, threatening a smile. I allowed it, with only Kimi here to see, there was no reason to hide the emotion. History, here below us. Why hadn't they tried to preserve it? It was too late now, it would take a lifetime, possibly more to restore it to the original state it was in so long ago.

Yet, it held my curiosity for a while. The dilapidated stone fence, a few rotted pieces of semi petrified wood marking where the house once stood. In my minds eye I could see it in its historical glory as I played it out in sand during my proposal. A cabin surrounded in fields with a goat pasture as the man who would one day marry the woman of his dreams worked at proving himself.

I clenched my jaw and scanned the area, feeling out for life in the nearby vicinity. Nothing. I stole a glance at Kimi. "Want to see a story?"

She responded with just her continued pump of her arms and legs.

"Someday, I will teach you to do this." I raised my arms, forcing the sand up from the ground. I followed the lines of the fence, the fallen areas of the house and rebuilt them. I formed grasses and fields, fences and roses. I looked at the cabin I recreated, then expanded it. I added another story to it and then a figure of a woman at the door. Then, I added the man from the story followed by a stray goat. I wonder.

Did they live here after they married or had they remained at the old family's residence? There was no way to know, not for certain.

I let everything fall with a sigh and felt down into the rock to continue my original process, expecting nothing. I froze, my eyes widened. I felt down again. Then again. I stood and used my feet to feel down into the rock as I walked along the ridge line. A cavern existed here. I could feel it. It was large, the crater obvious as I felt through rock, my energy returning in waves, creating an almost visual to what lay beneath me. This cavern was larger than the one I already knew of and more than I expected when I started to look for another. I swallowed. I was a good five miles away from where I found the original cavern. Were the two connected? Were there more? A single cavern I could work with, transform. But a network of them? It would mark a dangerous flaw in the Suna border if they were undocumented. If I were able to find these then others could find them and use them as a way to infiltrate us easily without notice.

A lump formed in my stomach. What if they were already known by outsiders? What if this were the means we were invaded for the attack on the hospital, the attack on my Kisarei and Kimi? I steeled my shoulders. No matter my personal agenda, I would need to bring this to the attention of the council. I jumped from the cliff and caught myself with sand within a few feet, unsure if Kimi could take the fall and not wanting to remotely chance it. I pushed myself forward, to the Kazekage tower. To alert the council of a possible breach.

I would not allow a breach in security in my home. Not now, when I had more to protect than ever before.


	49. Visitors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I was mostly ok with this one minus some obvious grammatical errors and some of the Gaaruto/Kisarei convo lol. Still, hope you liked the changes to the last chapter.

 

**Kisarei**

Silence. After the past two days, it felt off to me. My baby was gone and so was her father. I knew he would eventually leave, but I hoped it would last just a bit longer. Or, hoped he would have told me he was going. Something. I sighed and watched the door. He even took the kitchen with him. Either he was crazy stealthy at moving things, or I slept too heavily. Probably a combination of both, since it seemed he had a habit of doing this to people. I stretched my legs, then wiggled my feet.

I was going to walk. I made it a few steps yesterday. What was with the pain though? It wasn't just as though my legs weren't working, they seemed to be working fine enough. I moved in my bed, my steps were wobbly, yes, but I was able to move. It was the pain which made my stomach fluttered with nerves. Something else was wrong with me, but what? I swallowed. Sakura was coming. I didn't want to see her. She was the best chance at getting to some kind of normal.

Normal. What the hell is normal anyway? I felt sick. I remembered Gaara's words from yesterday. I would never be a ninja again, there was no hope for it. So then, what would I do with myself? Gaara kept Kimi with him most of the time so what would I do when I was alone?

There was a knock on the door. "Hey, you descent?"

I let out my breath and called out to Kankuro. "Yeah."

He came into the room, his mouth twisted up in a smile. "Didn't take advantage of my baby brother again, did you?"

I groaned. "Does it look like I'm in a position to do anything like that?"

The smile fell into a soft frown. "Well, yeah. Gaara is pretty easy once you figure him out, I'm sure. Especially concerning you." He stiffened his back and pointed a finger at me. "Seriously. If I ever come back from a mission and this place is redesigned into a giant monument to you because you joked about it and he took you seriously, I swear."

I stared at him. "He wouldn't..." I trailed off. I was about to defend him, but I had a feeling there was an air of truth behind the accusation.

"He would. Now he has you here and has gotten over his aversion to you, I worry for the health of Suna." He gave a half laugh, but I felt as though there was a note of seriousness behind the statement. He strolled over to the dresser and started to open drawers. "Say, uh, you wouldn't happen to know where your engagement necklace went to, would you?"

I stared at him. My engagement necklace? Memories of a story followed by a beautiful necklace and... I brought my hand to my mouth, my eyes widened. The last thing I remembered before having Kimi was the kiss. "Nah, I don't. I remember it, but..." I trailed off. I had no idea how not to sound sarcastic seeing the proposal ended with me giving birth to his niece and falling into a coma.

"Yeah, yeah I know." He brushed me off and continued looking.

"So..." I leaned forward. "Why are you looking for it? He change his mind or something?"

He stiffened and a wave of nausea passed through me. Joke. I was joking. "I can't say, but closer to the 'or something'. Trust me, he has every intention of going through the traditional ceremony with you."

I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. Why would it bug me if he didn't go through with it? We were already married, why was the ceremony important? Choice. It would happen only because we chose to. Everything else was in a way forced on us, the wish, the moment in the cave, me being here. "Wouldn't Gaara have it?"

Kankuro moved to the next set of drawers and started to rummage through them. "Considering the chaos that night, no. Said he idly looked in the places he thought he left it, and just now realized it is missing."

His hand reached for the bottom drawer. Wait. I know that drawer. "I wouldn't."

He paused mid-motion. "What?"

"I think there are bones in that one."

"Bones?" His face went blank a moment, then he laughed. "Oh, right. I forgot about those." He pulled the drawer out and hummed. "Empty." He looked back up to me with an amused smile. "See, happening already. You are inspiring him to behave himself. Those things have been in there for years."

"Could be the wrong drawer." I kept my voice low.

"Nope." He reached in and pulled out a collar. "See? This would have been the drawer. Gaara's first and only pet. He always felt a little bad about killing it and kept the bones in a drawer in here. Creepy as hell, but it's Gaara so..." He shrugged, put the collar back into the drawer and closed it. He sighed. "You sure you haven't seen it?"

I stared at him a moment. "Don't get me wrong, but how exactly would I have explored the room?" I made a double-armed motion towards my legs.

He snorted. "Don't pull that shit with me. I know you've made clones." He closed the drawer and stood back up. His jaw tilted upward, the muscles set and crossed his arms. "Which, if I'm not wrong, is still dangerous for you." His eyes narrowed down to slits, even without the makeup on his eyes were thin, adding to the harsh aura building around him. "If you injure yourself due to your idiotic negligence, you will have to deal with me. I don't care what Gaara's reaction would be. Got it?"

I swallowed. I gave him a hallow nod, my throat feeling dry in an instant. This pose, the way he held himself just then was how he presented in battle. He was ominous. There was a reason he became Gaara's bodyguard, and it wasn't only because he was Gaara's brother. He might be sarcastic with a joking streak which could rival my own, but he was every bit as scary as Gaara could be once he set his mind to fighting. Especially when it came to his little brother. I cleared my throat and looked away. Give up making clones? How could I? "I'll get stronger. Even if I never fight again, I will walk. I will have the ability to make at least one clone. It's part of me, Kankuro." I clenched my hands into fists. What else did they expect me to give up? Give up my clones? There was no way.

He sighed. "Just wait until you see that doctor from Konoha then, will you? Expending chakra when it isn't needed and when you don't have much to spare in the first place is almost suicide."

I flinched at the word. "The Hokage committed it." The other me. My clone.

"Oh, right. Sorry." I heard a scraping noise and I looked over to see him pulling a chair up next to my bed and he sat in it backward, his arms resting on the back of it. "You know, sometimes I forget exactly who you are. You look so damn girly now." He frowned at me.

I gave a half laugh. "Yeah, go figure." I smiled at him and took a breath. "I got to hold her." I wrapped my arms around my body in a self-hug. "She looks just like him."

Kankuro's lips turned upward at the statement. "He was just as cute back then. I can remember it, when we got to actually see him. He was such a crazy calm kid too." He shrugged. "At least until our Uncle took the mission our dad gave him." He heaved a sigh.

I frowned at the reminder of what happened back then. Then, I remembered the distress he felt over his uncle. "Do you think he was trying to kill him or save him then?"

His head bent down and rested on his arms. "No idea. I heard him argue with Dad once about having to take care of him, but he was still a baby then. Seemed he liked him after a while, but since he died the way he did, there's no way of knowing for sure." He took a deep breath. "That attendant of yours is supposed to be in later today."

"What attendant?" I frowned at him.

"I think Temari introduced you two before she took off with Shinki." He shrugged. "Haven't met her yet myself. Annoying, if you ask me. The council always expects us to bend over backward for them, it's bad enough they conned Gaara into sending Shinki on a mission above him, but then to impose somebody living at our house..." He trailed off.

"Live with us?" I felt the blood drain from my face as the words squeaked out of my mouth. Why?

"Yup." He smiled at me. "So, no slips on who you are. Gaara told me you want to be called by your Suna name now. Well, perfect time to stick to it." His smile widened. "Kisarei."

I gave a shallow nod. I made the decision, yes. I was adamant about leaving my old self behind, but I kept making slips. Gaara made slips. What if one of us did it in front of her? Did the council all know my true identity, or was it only a select few? I swallowed. "Yeah." The word stuck in my throat. The word was followed by my heart. How long? How long would it take for Naruto to fade away, as though I never was that person? How long before Kisarei was more prominent, more me than who I was once?

"Hey, everything ok?"

I took in a shaky breath and nodded, not trusting my words. Why was this still bothering me so much? I made the decision, it was one which needed to be made. Kankuro was still looking at me as though he didn't believe me so I plastered on my widest smile. I'm fine, ignore it. See, why would I smile if I wasn't?

"I don't buy your stupid smile, idiot. What the hell is wrong?"

Damn it. I let my smile fade and sighed. "How would you feel if you suddenly turned into a girl, moved somewhere you know almost nothing about and you couldn't even let your own family know your ok?" I bit my lip. I spoke more than I should have.

He stared at me and I looked away from him. "Hey, you know, I can't even begin to understand what you're going through. Not close. Don't want to know either." There was a thump on my shoulder and I brought my attention back to him. "You saved my little brother. It was the only thing about you I ever liked. Beyond that, I always found you to be an idiotic waste of time no matter what you seemed to do for the rest of the world. I tolerated it because of Gaara's unwavering devotion to the idea you were the best thing since the creation of the sun." He leaned back and folded his arms.

I rolled my eyes. "Was that supposed to make me feel better?"

He gave a half laugh. "Nah, but..." He trailed off, then closed his eyes a moment, taking a deep breath. "Since all this, since you are here, since you are family now, I want to.. No. I need you to know, no matter what I think about who you were, who you are still in a way, we are family. I never pegged you for a girlish kind of guy and to say I am still surprised by you doing this for Gaara is still a bit of an understatement."

I smiled. "Yeah, still a bit surprised by it myself." I let my smile widen. "I wonder if I can pull off being a decent girl."

He snorted. "Probably not." A small smile appeared on his own face. "Even in that body, you're still too much of a guy to pull off the whole woman thing."

I laughed. "Yeah." I looked down at my hands and the laughter faded away. "I am going to have to figure out something about my arm. Even with the excuse I'm my own damn twin someone is bound to figure out both of us having the same arm prosthetic is too damn convenient." I flexed my fingers on my right hand, reminding him of my issue.

He grabbed it and started to inspect it, bringing it closer to his face. "I should bring it to Gaara's attention. He might be able to get that doctor of his to come up with something until Sakura comes from Konoha. This thing was made there, maybe she would have a solution."

I yanked my arm back from him. "Maybe."

He stood. "I should get going. Gaara is going to want to figure out what happened to the thing or get another one made, though it would be interesting to explain the expenditure." He winked at me, headed to the door and gave a small wave. "Later." And was gone.

I sighed. Well, maybe it wouldn't be so bad having that guy around. Maybe.

.*. .*. .*.

I officially met Chuyo last night. She was brought in by Baki, and honestly, he held my attention more than she had. He stared at me the entire time he was in my room, not that I blamed him. I had the creeping suspicion he knew exactly who I was and it creeped me out. I barely even remembered anything said beyond the formalities between us and I couldn't help but think I missed something in the exchange. I sighed. I still hadn't seen Gaara since he stayed in my room. Kankuro had brought me Kimi for a while this morning though, and after feeding her and giving her back to him, I was feeling sleepy again.

I wasn't sure what it was about feeding her that made me feel so relaxed but damn. I felt the pull of desire to have her near me, thinking about it. I laid back on my pile of pillows and stared up at my spiral. I found myself wondering what my life would be like, once I was announced.

I heard the door but didn't look over. It was probably either a nurse, Chuyo or Kankuro. Gaara walked quieter than this person. The chair legs scraped against the floor then after a moment, there was a sigh.

I looked over then. I stared. Who the hell was this? Some guy, brown hair, brown eyes, and a definitive frown plastered on his face. "What are you doing in my room?"

The frown deepened, but he didn't speak.

My heart raced. Something felt odd about this, but I couldn't put my finger on it. "Fine, at least say who the hell you are."

The man's eyes widened and he leaned back into the chair, sliding forward some. "You really couldn't tell, could you?" The voice was too familiar and a lump formed in my stomach. His eyes wandered upward and I knew he spied the spiral.

"Gaaruto." I felt sick. Why was he here?

"Well, at least you recognize your own voice." He didn't look at me. "How am I supposed to ensure you are safe if you don't even recognize my chakra. Can you feel anyone? Tell when there is someone else in the room, down the hall, outside the window?"

I stared. No. I couldn't. I didn't want to say and focused instead on what he said at the beginning of it rather than focusing on the thing which bothered me as well. "Why the hell would you want to protect me?"

His eyes slid back down and we stared at each other for a moment. "I take your redirect as a no."

Damn him. "You didn't answer me either." I don't want to talk about it.

"Because I don't feel like answering your question any more than you feel like answering mine." His lips twisted up in a smile. "I could leave it at a: you die, I die sort of thing, but there's always more to it than that, precious Other." He sat back up and propped himself up by leaning his elbows onto his knees.

"What's with the weird doctor?" I wanted to switch subjects. There was something unnerving about the way he spoke. A hidden meaning to his words. Gaaruto leaned more towards demented after the memory blank in my childhood. Ever since then most of my meetups with Gaaruto were never pleasant or had some kind of ulterior motive involved.

The smile fell, his voice was low. "We owe her."

"For what?" I wanted more details. Something happened at the hospital attack, and he knew. He knew something I didn't and I hated it, something which pertained to Gaara. More things he knew and I didn't.

He studied me a moment. "What do we owe her?" His fingers started to tap at his arms.  He looked away from me for a second, heaved a sigh.  "Fine, I hunted her down thinking she could save us.  Then..."  He trailed off, his demeanor shifting away from his usual annoying into something darker.  "We owe her for everything. The fact we are still breathing, for your life here, with Gaara. For Kimi. For..." He took a deep breath. "And I personally want to pay her back for tricking me in order to do it." The usual smile returned, the one which meant he was up to something. "Haven't figured out the how yet, but I will. Besides, having a willing supply nearby keeps my head clear." He tapped his head. "Don't have to mess with as many people, though there have been some interesting ones since we moved here."

I groaned. Interesting ones. I wanted to ask but decided against it. Who the guy slept around with wasn't my concern. No, it should be my concern, but at the moment, I couldn't bring myself to care. Yet. "Why do you have to be so freaking weird?"

He shrugged. "It's fun."

"Jerk."

He laughed. Outright, full body laughed. "You are one to talk. You ass. You almost killed all of us, and I," he stressed the word, "am the jerk."

I stared at him. "What exactly, do you think I could have done differently?"

His eyes widened in a look of shock. "Differently? Everything. I mean, a clone?" His tone started to change, his usual demented playful look I attributed to our difference gone into one of anger. "That idiot killed himself, how in the hell was that a good idea?" He started to outright yell at me, half standing from the chair. "If it wasn't for the stupid wish, we probably would have died. Get it?"

I was at a loss for words. What? Why would we have died?

My confusion must have shown on my face because he sighed and sat back down. "Not like you would even remember, so why in the hell bring it up?" He buried his head in his hands a moment. "You'll never remember, so this argument is for nothing." He leaned back in the chair with a heaving sigh. "I only came because I needed to return something I took." He gave a half laugh. "Pretty sure Gaara would try his luck at killing me if I didn't."

I frowned at him. What could he have taken that... "The necklace?"

He shrugged. "Thought it looked cool. Spied it when you were trying to off yourself by pushing that kid out of your body. Hid it, then swiped it when I came back with my real body. Actually, a bit surprised he didn't notice I did it." Another shrug. "Didn't know what it was though. Would have left it if I knew." He smirked.

I laughed at that. "Sure." I rolled my eyes. Like he would do anything to make my life easier.

"Maybe." The smile fell. "Besides, Gaara knows how to torture without killing." His voice went low and a visible shiver went through him.

I stared at him. What exactly happened while I was out of it? "What are you talking about?"

His back straightened, a grin spreading across his lips before he licked them. "The day I came to you and tasted those sweet lips." He bit at the bottom of them, a glint in his eye. "I went and seen that gorgeous husband of yours. Showed him exactly what it was you wished for." A large smile appeared. If this were anyone else, I would think they were kidding me. But it was Gaaruto.

I watched him a moment before I felt the blood drain from my face. _The day I came to you and tasted those sweet lips._ The memory of him holding me down, forcing me to kiss him crashed back into my mind. "Ass." I threw a pillow at him and smiled when it hit him. Finally, a target close enough to feel the wrath of my new, special jutsu!

He gave a small groan. "You throw like a girl."

I stared a moment. _Well, maybe because I am one now, you idiot_. "Why are you talking to me?" I looked away from him.

The chair scraped against the floor. The sound was followed by silence. It lasted long enough I looked over to the door to see him standing next to it, his shoulders slumped down, his hand on the doorknob.

Well, that's different. "Gaaruto?" I wasn't sure I wanted to know. I didn't get him. How he thought, why he did the things he did. Maybe if I could just remember what happened between us, I could figure it out.

His shoulders stiffened, then relaxed into a regular posture. I did notice though, his knuckles were pale from his grip on the door. He looked over his shoulder and flashed me a smile. "Nothing. I will talk to you again. Though..." The smile fell. "If you had figured out you were in love with Gaara when you were younger, would you have still pursued Hinata?"

What? "What are you talking about?" If I knew I loved Gaara? Why would it matter?

A slight shadow passed his features, then the smile was back. "Never gets old, messing with you." He gave a slight laugh. "I'll never let you put me away again." He pulled the door open. The smile fell, the shadow returned. "Never." His voice was low, and before I could respond, he was gone.

"What the hell?" That thing confused me. He needed to be watched and monitored if he weren't stuck in my head with Neji. I took a breath with the thought of bringing him back out. I had no idea if I would ever have enough energy to even bring him back up to par. I hoped so. They were so different, Gaaruto and Neji. The way they worked. Gaaruto was different. I gave him everything I had at the time and somehow, he came up with the ability to create his own damn chakra. Neji never grew the ability though. I expected it, but it never happened. I always wondered why.

I stared at the door. Maybe, being free would fix whatever was wrong with him. There was a small pain in my chest and I tried to ignore it. Narutwo. What happened anyway? "You seem calmer than usual." I spoke it to the door. From what I could tell, Suna hadn't turned into a writhing central of insanity, so he hadn't been spreading his pheromones around like he usually did when freed in Konoha. Was it the doctor? The situation?

I felt a lump form in my stomach. _I'll never let you put me away again_. I took a long breath in through my nose. Maybe it was his freedom which kept him in check. He knew I had no power to actually put him back, even if I wanted to. And what was with that question? Was he in love Gaara too? Had he picked it up from me if he was?

I looked up to the spiral and held up my hand to trace the outline in the air. If I had known I was in love with Gaara, would I have still wanted to marry Hinata? I let my hand fall to the bed and sighed. "How in the hell am I supposed to know the answer to that?"

Had he known it, for sure back then? Was that why he hated Hinata so much? Because he knew? Did he know all this time? I gave an exasperated groan and flipped around on the bed. "Damn him." Even without being weird, he still frustrated me. I still wanted to know what happened between us. I wasn't sure I would ever know. I buried my face into my pillows and screamed. Louder than I meant to, but it was at least muffled this way. It allowed me to let out my frustration, yet more than my frustration.

When, after a minute or so of this I stopped, I felt lighter. I stayed in the position, half laying on my stomach. I didn't want to deal with the day. I closed my eyes and willed myself to sleep.


End file.
